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Season 1, Episode 6 — Football, Feminism, and You
#1
A small, fading remnant
#2
of a star.
#4
That's right.
#6
Dwarves hate
#9
And what does a star turn
#10
into after it collapses?
#11
A movie of the week.
#13
Right.
#14
Troy,
#15
you could be an astronomer.
#17
worth studying.
#18
It's called Sagittarius A.
#19
It's located in the center
#20
of our galaxy,
#21
and it has the density
#22
of 40 suns.
#29
Poo-poo head.
#30
Hi, everybody. Ha, ha.
#31
Well, look at this group.
#33
and being so diverse.
#34
There is just-- Boy--
#35
There is just one of
#39
Uh, Pierce, that's the dean.
#40
You kidding?
#41
Sorry. Just my luck.
#42
Don't let me interrupt.
#43
Sometimes,
#44
I just roll around campus
#45
like a little football.
#46
I can't believe this.
#47
Here I am in a random
#50
star quarterback
#53
has a football team?
#54
Did you know
#55
they had a football?
#56
Ah. Heh. Good.
#57
That's very funny.
#58
Troy, I was so sorry to hear
#59
about your injury,
#60
but now
#61
that you have recovered,
#62
we would love for you to play
#63
for the Human Beings.
#64
The team's name
#65
is the Human Beings?
#67
Grizzlies, but I thought--
#69
A lot of these students
#70
have been called animals.
#75
in image management,
#78
Ooh. Well,
#79
aren't you found money.
#80
Troy, all of your friends
#81
are lining up
#82
to turn Greendale around.
#83
How about you?
#86
in football.
#87
Getting injured was the best
#88
thing that ever happened.
#89
Whoa. Yoko Ono much?
#90
[DEAN LAUGHING]
#91
Bros before ho's, Troy.
#97
Dean, I'm sure Troy
#98
will sign up for football,
#99
if and when
#100
some accident damages
#101
the part of his brain
#102
that feels pride.
#103
Until then, excuse us.
#104
If you change your mind,
#105
the field is always open.
#106
Figuratively speaking.
#107
Wednesdays and Sundays
#109
for the megachurch. Okay.
#110
Now let's meet
#111
the minimum requirements
#112
for a language credit.
#118
[♪♪♪]
#119
What? She's offended?
#120
Girls go in groups.
#121
Did you learn nothing
#125
I'll go next time.
#127
mainstream feminine stuff.
#128
Then you should know
#129
nothing says,
#130
"I'm a woman"
#131
like doing it with me.
#132
Nothing says,
#134
Will they or won't they?
#135
Sexual tension.
#136
It makes the group
#139
That's sort of my gimmick.
#140
But we did lean
#143
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST
#144
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]
#145
♪ I can't count
#146
The reasons I should stay ♪
#147
JEFF:
#149
on the team?
#150
It looks like
#151
they won something once.
#152
"Most Valued Customer,
#153
Henderson Trophy Cases."
#154
So we should still study
#157
or some Mars bars.
#158
Or pancakes.
#159
JEFF:
#160
"I'm Jeff and I'm a student
#161
at Greendale"?
#162
Well, that's not good.
#163
WOMAN:
#165
because it reacts
#166
spontaneously to--
#167
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
#168
Seriously.
#169
We've talked about this.
#171
your cell ph--
#172
That's mine. My bad.
#173
[WHISPERING]
#174
I'm going to the bathroom.
#176
Well, yes. Yes, I would.
#177
Oh, that's nice.
#178
Okay, what's it called?
#179
Antoni--? Hold on.
#180
Does anybody have a pen?
#181
A pen?
#182
No one has a pen.
#184
to class?
#186
Ha-ha-ha.
#191
loser swooped in.
#192
I couldn't believe it.
#193
BRITTA:
#194
Maybe he didn't see you.
#196
on too.
#198
Maybe.
#200
BRITTA:
#201
Yeah. Whatever.
#202
My mom
#203
might visit this weekend.
#204
She and I are gonna
#205
get makeovers--
#206
Makeovers. They sure
#211
Something
#212
I thought might be fun.
#214
might be fun.
#215
Let's find the number of
#218
It's zero.
#230
Thanks for offering
#233
Heh. That's no problem.
#234
I took the liberty
#235
of thumbnailing a prototype,
#236
uh, which I modeled
#239
The penis is a little small.
#240
Oh, okay.
#244
you know,
#247
what message are we sending?
#248
Our symbol needs
#249
the diversity of our school
#251
So black?
#252
No, because we're not
#253
the Greendale Blacks
#254
or the Greendale Asians,
#255
we are
#256
the Greendale Human Beings.
#258
Yeah.
#264
Uh-- Absolutely.
#267
[GASPS]
#268
Whoa-oh.
#269
Ah. Good, a pencil.
#271
Oh, well,
#272
you're a very photogenic man.
#273
Is that real bed head,
#274
or do you put something
#275
in there? Can I?
#279
and I thought,
#281
The soul?
#283
poster design?"
#284
Those were
#285
less than personable.
#286
Which is why I went
#287
with the full bodies
#288
in these mailers
#289
we have going out.
#290
Ta-ta-ta.
#293
Did you not read
#294
the release agreement
#295
on the back
#296
of your registration?
#297
I'm starting to see why
#298
someone used to be a lawyer.
#299
Look, if someone
#304
at a community college,
#308
Oh.
#309
Goodness. Look what
#310
we have stumbled onto.
#311
An opportunity to help
#312
each other out.
#313
I suppose I wouldn't need
#314
this promotional campaign
#315
if I could announce
#316
to the press
#317
that Troy Barnes
#318
is playing football here.
#319
He's been pretty clear
#321
If you said jump,
#322
he'd say, "How high?"
#323
If you said stop,
#324
he'd say "Hammer time."
#325
You get what I mean? Hmm?
#327
You know,
#328
I didn't realize before,
#329
but we should send those out
#330
to local businesses.
#331
Law firms, lawyer companies,
#332
legal gatherings.
#334
I think so.
#338
[♪♪♪]
#341
[♪♪♪]
#342
Oh, hi, Abed.
#344
Bye. He's just laying low.
#346
to the bathroom?
#349
You know what? I'm good.
#351
had to go number two.
#352
Okay, what's
#355
Ha-ha-ha.
#357
but it shows
#359
Can I talk to you for a sec?
#362
The galaxy's
#363
not going anywhere.
#364
I'll bring him back.
#365
JEFF:
#368
at something.
#370
TROY:
#374
After the dean talked
#375
to you about football,
#376
you and I were thinking
#377
the same thing.
#379
We were thinking,
#380
what if Troy did play?
#381
You'd be surprised
#382
at how many of
#383
your favorite players
#384
got started
#385
at community college.
#386
Really? Name one.
#388
Me. Whoa.
#389
Maybe you
#390
and I should go
#391
check out
#392
the Greendale Thunderdome.
#393
[IMITATES CROWD CHEERING]
#395
The dome arrives later.
#396
It comes with thunder.
#398
about me.
#399
Every day,
#400
on my way to school,
#401
I drive through downtown,
#402
past the courthouse,
#403
just to get a glimpse
#404
of the world I once ruled.
#405
And I just wanna jump out
#406
of my car,
#407
run up the steps and exploit
#408
the legal system for profit.
#409
But I can't. I'm locked out
#410
of my old kingdom.
#411
You're not.
#412
You see what I'm saying?
#413
You're saying
#415
I'm saying
#416
you're a football player.
#418
That's racist.
#420
That's racist.
#422
That's gay?
#424
That's black.
#426
Damn.
#427
When you played,
#428
you were a god.
#429
You're not playing
#430
and you're not.
#431
I'd tell you do the math,
#432
but math isn't important.
#433
The only thing
#434
important is this.
#436
Annie said Benjamin Button
#437
was compelling.
#438
A smart girl, but
#439
sometimes she's just wrong.
#440
Eighty-five, go long.
#441
It's like a drug, isn't it?
#442
Feel it, Troy. Throw it!
#443
The scoreboard lights up.
#444
There will be
#445
a scoreboard there.
#446
It's complete. Nice catch.
#447
The girls, the glory,
#448
the scouts, the career.
#449
It starts
#450
when you join this team.
#453
You can meet them later,
#454
but this decision
#455
has to be yours, T-Bone.
#456
And this decision
#457
has to be yes.
#458
How did you know
#460
You're a football player
#461
and your name begins with T.
#462
Your name begins with T.
#463
[♪♪♪]
#464
Britta?
#465
Oh, are you finished?
#466
I have to go, but apparently,
#467
I failed yesterday's tryouts
#468
for the position
#469
of bathroom companion.
#470
I wasn't trying
#472
You didn't hurt
#473
my feelings, Shirley.
#474
I don't need to go
#475
with other people.
#476
I was just trying
#477
to throw you a bone
#483
the stranger's side?
#487
because we want makeovers.
#493
I even like that
#499
Women have always hated me.
#500
I don't even know
#501
how it started.
#502
Maybe it was when I got boobs
#503
before everybody--
#504
Shh.
#507
Whoo! Ha, ha.
#509
You dropped your books,
#510
Poindexter. Heh-heh-heh.
#513
It's all right. I'm worth it.
#515
♪ Riverside got the broom
#516
Don't need a mop ♪
#517
♪ Put your team in a box
#518
A ribbon on top ♪
#519
♪ Not John Kerry
#520
We don't flip flop ♪
#522
♪ Say, ho ♪
#523
why are you doing
#526
been playing football?
#527
Threw the skin around.
#528
I still got it.
#529
Uhn, uhn, uhn. Doosh! Uhn.
#530
But you knew we had
#532
Class blows.
#533
What I need to know
#534
about the universe
#535
is I'm at the center
#536
of it.
#537
♪ Oh
#538
Bing, bong, sing along ♪
#539
♪ Your team's Al Gore
#540
Your views are wrong ♪
#542
Don't become
#547
ignored the only people
#548
that liked him
#551
because
#555
Jeff said you'd say that.
#556
Jeff-- What now?
#557
Troy. Troy, Troy, Troy.
#558
That's my name.
#559
I think if we add in a little
#560
bit of Phylicia Rashad,
#562
Right.
#563
That beige is light.
#564
Um-- Wow.
#565
Yeah, yeah.
#566
We are developing
#567
the perfect mascot.
#568
No stereotypical identifiers
#569
from any race or gender.
#571
we're staying away from.
#572
Pan-Asian eye folds, uh,
#576
It goes from Seal
#577
to Seal's teeth.
#579
JEFF:
#580
I think
#581
not being racist
#582
is the new racism.
#583
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
#585
Ooh, I left the nose
#586
in the kiln.
#591
Which means
#592
I'll be getting rid of these.
#597
I want him
#601
the new mascot
#602
and things are finally
#608
Ooh. Ow.
#609
I'm gonna get
#610
some more coffee.
#612
A Desmond Tutu
#613
with enough cream to make
#614
a Lou Diamond Phillips.
#615
La Bamba. Got it.
#616
[♪♪♪]
#619
I've been following you.
#620
How much did the dean
#621
pay you to make Troy play?
#623
with someone
#625
Because I'm right?
#626
Because I'm not in
#629
of me.
#632
For that,
#633
you've convinced Troy
#634
to flush his life down
#635
football's toilet again?
#636
Britta's right. You are
#637
the most selfish person.
#638
All that is gonna end now.
#639
I'm telling him what kind
#640
of friend you are.
#642
in love with him.
#643
High school
#646
to notice you.
#651
or were you worried
#658
what he wants,
#661
Because, really,
#665
You're right.
#666
I could never be
#667
as good as you.
#668
Probably,
#669
because I actually care.
#670
Profound,
#675
because it won't happen.
#676
Yeah.
#677
[♪♪♪]
#678
[WHISPERS]:
#679
Damn it.
#681
to the bathroom with me?
#684
But, uh,
#687
on ourselves for men?
#688
I don't know, sweetie.
#689
Maybe it's because men
#690
make the world go around?
#691
Kleenex?
#696
of the litter,
#697
and I'll never
#699
Oh, Annie, screw him.
#700
There are guys out there
#702
If Troy isn't one of them,
#703
that's him failing
#704
your standards. You got that?
#705
You're right.
#708
I wouldn't want to.
#710
Britta.
#713
Yes.
#715
[ALL GIGGLE]
#717
I did it. I did it.
#718
Oh, yes, you did.
#719
[♪♪♪]
#720
[CHANTING IN DISTANCE]
#723
Human Beings.
#725
Troy. Troy.
#727
What?
#729
to get in high school.
#731
and depression
#733
of that door.
#734
Is this your first
#735
pep rally or something?
#736
You told me football was
#737
the most important thing.
#739
It's kind of my gimmick.
#741
No, let me.
#742
That keg flip
#743
that cost me my scholarship?
#746
What?
#747
There was a scout coming
#748
to the final game,
#749
and I couldn't take
#750
the pressure.
#751
So I took the easy way out.
#752
When you showed me
#753
that field,
#754
I saw there was nothing
#755
to worry about.
#756
I could play football
#757
for fun.
#758
Have you seen these guys?
#760
Dude, we have feelings.
#761
I don't know about you,
#762
but I know I ended up here
#763
because things
#764
weren't that great out there.
#765
[♪♪♪]
#766
Try accepting
#767
where you're at, man.
#768
Take a pottery class
#769
or something.
#772
Nancy Pelosi is no fun ♪
#773
[ANNOUNCER SPEAKS
#774
INDISTINCTLY ON MIC]
#775
[♪♪♪]
#777
Hey.
#781
Look, I'm, uh--
#784
Really?
#787
Hmm. Okay, maybe I was
#788
a little more wrong.
#789
I should grow up
#791
It's not like Greendale
#792
is gonna kill me.
#794
[SCREAMS]
#799
for him to see.
#800
[MASCOT GRUNTING]
#802
But take it from me,
#803
that's human for "hello."
#804
Let's get you
#805
into the pep rally.
#808
We've solved racism.
#809
What's next?
#811
Let's do something
#813
PIERCE:
#814
How about little albinos?
#815
Has the potential to be
#818
♪ Please, please ♪
#820
♪ Please, do not go ♪
#821
♪ Please, please, please
#822
Do not go ♪
#824
Do not go ♪
#827
Here at Greendale.
#828
Greendale.
#829
BOTH:
#830
Say what?
#831
A few quick announcements.
#832
Number one.
#834
starting right now.
#836
butt soup.
#837
Announcement number three,
#838
I am not Hadji
#840
On security, you gotta
#843
MAN:
#844
Hey.
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