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Season 1, Episode 6 — Football, Feminism, and You

#1
A small, fading remnant

#2
of a star.

#4
That's right.

#6
Dwarves hate

#9
And what does a star turn

#10
into after it collapses?

#11
A movie of the week.

#13
Right.

#14
Troy,

#15
you could be an astronomer.

#17
worth studying.

#18
It's called Sagittarius A.

#19
It's located in the center

#20
of our galaxy,

#21
and it has the density

#22
of 40 suns.

#29
Poo-poo head.

#30
Hi, everybody. Ha, ha.

#31
Well, look at this group.

#33
and being so diverse.

#34
There is just-- Boy--

#35
There is just one of

#39
Uh, Pierce, that's the dean.

#40
You kidding?

#41
Sorry. Just my luck.

#42
Don't let me interrupt.

#43
Sometimes,

#44
I just roll around campus

#45
like a little football.

#46
I can't believe this.

#47
Here I am in a random

#50
star quarterback

#53
has a football team?

#54
Did you know

#55
they had a football?

#56
Ah. Heh. Good.

#57
That's very funny.

#58
Troy, I was so sorry to hear

#59
about your injury,

#60
but now

#61
that you have recovered,

#62
we would love for you to play

#63
for the Human Beings.

#64
The team's name

#65
is the Human Beings?

#67
Grizzlies, but I thought--

#69
A lot of these students

#70
have been called animals.

#75
in image management,

#78
Ooh. Well,

#79
aren't you found money.

#80
Troy, all of your friends

#81
are lining up

#82
to turn Greendale around.

#83
How about you?

#86
in football.

#87
Getting injured was the best

#88
thing that ever happened.

#89
Whoa. Yoko Ono much?

#90
[DEAN LAUGHING]

#91
Bros before ho's, Troy.

#97
Dean, I'm sure Troy

#98
will sign up for football,

#99
if and when

#100
some accident damages

#101
the part of his brain

#102
that feels pride.

#103
Until then, excuse us.

#104
If you change your mind,

#105
the field is always open.

#106
Figuratively speaking.

#107
Wednesdays and Sundays

#109
for the megachurch. Okay.

#110
Now let's meet

#111
the minimum requirements

#112
for a language credit.

#118
[♪♪♪]

#119
What? She's offended?

#120
Girls go in groups.

#121
Did you learn nothing

#125
I'll go next time.

#127
mainstream feminine stuff.

#128
Then you should know

#129
nothing says,

#130
"I'm a woman"

#131
like doing it with me.

#132
Nothing says,

#134
Will they or won't they?

#135
Sexual tension.

#136
It makes the group

#139
That's sort of my gimmick.

#140
But we did lean

#143
[THE 88'S "AT LEAST

#144
IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

#145
♪ I can't count

#146
The reasons I should stay ♪

#147
JEFF:

#149
on the team?

#150
It looks like

#151
they won something once.

#152
"Most Valued Customer,

#153
Henderson Trophy Cases."

#154
So we should still study

#157
or some Mars bars.

#158
Or pancakes.

#159
JEFF:

#160
"I'm Jeff and I'm a student

#161
at Greendale"?

#162
Well, that's not good.

#163
WOMAN:

#165
because it reacts

#166
spontaneously to--

#167
[CELL PHONE RINGING]

#168
Seriously.

#169
We've talked about this.

#171
your cell ph--

#172
That's mine. My bad.

#173
[WHISPERING]

#174
I'm going to the bathroom.

#176
Well, yes. Yes, I would.

#177
Oh, that's nice.

#178
Okay, what's it called?

#179
Antoni--? Hold on.

#180
Does anybody have a pen?

#181
A pen?

#182
No one has a pen.

#184
to class?

#186
Ha-ha-ha.

#191
loser swooped in.

#192
I couldn't believe it.

#193
BRITTA:

#194
Maybe he didn't see you.

#196
on too.

#198
Maybe.

#200
BRITTA:

#201
Yeah. Whatever.

#202
My mom

#203
might visit this weekend.

#204
She and I are gonna

#205
get makeovers--

#206
Makeovers. They sure

#211
Something

#212
I thought might be fun.

#214
might be fun.

#215
Let's find the number of

#218
It's zero.

#230
Thanks for offering

#233
Heh. That's no problem.

#234
I took the liberty

#235
of thumbnailing a prototype,

#236
uh, which I modeled

#239
The penis is a little small.

#240
Oh, okay.

#244
you know,

#247
what message are we sending?

#248
Our symbol needs

#249
the diversity of our school

#251
So black?

#252
No, because we're not

#253
the Greendale Blacks

#254
or the Greendale Asians,

#255
we are

#256
the Greendale Human Beings.

#258
Yeah.

#264
Uh-- Absolutely.

#267
[GASPS]

#268
Whoa-oh.

#269
Ah. Good, a pencil.

#271
Oh, well,

#272
you're a very photogenic man.

#273
Is that real bed head,

#274
or do you put something

#275
in there? Can I?

#279
and I thought,

#281
The soul?

#283
poster design?"

#284
Those were

#285
less than personable.

#286
Which is why I went

#287
with the full bodies

#288
in these mailers

#289
we have going out.

#290
Ta-ta-ta.

#293
Did you not read

#294
the release agreement

#295
on the back

#296
of your registration?

#297
I'm starting to see why

#298
someone used to be a lawyer.

#299
Look, if someone

#304
at a community college,

#308
Oh.

#309
Goodness. Look what

#310
we have stumbled onto.

#311
An opportunity to help

#312
each other out.

#313
I suppose I wouldn't need

#314
this promotional campaign

#315
if I could announce

#316
to the press

#317
that Troy Barnes

#318
is playing football here.

#319
He's been pretty clear

#321
If you said jump,

#322
he'd say, "How high?"

#323
If you said stop,

#324
he'd say "Hammer time."

#325
You get what I mean? Hmm?

#327
You know,

#328
I didn't realize before,

#329
but we should send those out

#330
to local businesses.

#331
Law firms, lawyer companies,

#332
legal gatherings.

#334
I think so.

#338
[♪♪♪]

#341
[♪♪♪]

#342
Oh, hi, Abed.

#344
Bye. He's just laying low.

#346
to the bathroom?

#349
You know what? I'm good.

#351
had to go number two.

#352
Okay, what's

#355
Ha-ha-ha.

#357
but it shows

#359
Can I talk to you for a sec?

#362
The galaxy's

#363
not going anywhere.

#364
I'll bring him back.

#365
JEFF:

#368
at something.

#370
TROY:

#374
After the dean talked

#375
to you about football,

#376
you and I were thinking

#377
the same thing.

#379
We were thinking,

#380
what if Troy did play?

#381
You'd be surprised

#382
at how many of

#383
your favorite players

#384
got started

#385
at community college.

#386
Really? Name one.

#388
Me. Whoa.

#389
Maybe you

#390
and I should go

#391
check out

#392
the Greendale Thunderdome.

#393
[IMITATES CROWD CHEERING]

#395
The dome arrives later.

#396
It comes with thunder.

#398
about me.

#399
Every day,

#400
on my way to school,

#401
I drive through downtown,

#402
past the courthouse,

#403
just to get a glimpse

#404
of the world I once ruled.

#405
And I just wanna jump out

#406
of my car,

#407
run up the steps and exploit

#408
the legal system for profit.

#409
But I can't. I'm locked out

#410
of my old kingdom.

#411
You're not.

#412
You see what I'm saying?

#413
You're saying

#415
I'm saying

#416
you're a football player.

#418
That's racist.

#420
That's racist.

#422
That's gay?

#424
That's black.

#426
Damn.

#427
When you played,

#428
you were a god.

#429
You're not playing

#430
and you're not.

#431
I'd tell you do the math,

#432
but math isn't important.

#433
The only thing

#434
important is this.

#436
Annie said Benjamin Button

#437
was compelling.

#438
A smart girl, but

#439
sometimes she's just wrong.

#440
Eighty-five, go long.

#441
It's like a drug, isn't it?

#442
Feel it, Troy. Throw it!

#443
The scoreboard lights up.

#444
There will be

#445
a scoreboard there.

#446
It's complete. Nice catch.

#447
The girls, the glory,

#448
the scouts, the career.

#449
It starts

#450
when you join this team.

#453
You can meet them later,

#454
but this decision

#455
has to be yours, T-Bone.

#456
And this decision

#457
has to be yes.

#458
How did you know

#460
You're a football player

#461
and your name begins with T.

#462
Your name begins with T.

#463
[♪♪♪]

#464
Britta?

#465
Oh, are you finished?

#466
I have to go, but apparently,

#467
I failed yesterday's tryouts

#468
for the position

#469
of bathroom companion.

#470
I wasn't trying

#472
You didn't hurt

#473
my feelings, Shirley.

#474
I don't need to go

#475
with other people.

#476
I was just trying

#477
to throw you a bone

#483
the stranger's side?

#487
because we want makeovers.

#493
I even like that

#499
Women have always hated me.

#500
I don't even know

#501
how it started.

#502
Maybe it was when I got boobs

#503
before everybody--

#504
Shh.

#507
Whoo! Ha, ha.

#509
You dropped your books,

#510
Poindexter. Heh-heh-heh.

#513
It's all right. I'm worth it.

#515
♪ Riverside got the broom

#516
Don't need a mop ♪

#517
♪ Put your team in a box

#518
A ribbon on top ♪

#519
♪ Not John Kerry

#520
We don't flip flop ♪

#522
♪ Say, ho ♪

#523
why are you doing

#526
been playing football?

#527
Threw the skin around.

#528
I still got it.

#529
Uhn, uhn, uhn. Doosh! Uhn.

#530
But you knew we had

#532
Class blows.

#533
What I need to know

#534
about the universe

#535
is I'm at the center

#536
of it.

#537
♪ Oh

#538
Bing, bong, sing along ♪

#539
♪ Your team's Al Gore

#540
Your views are wrong ♪

#542
Don't become

#547
ignored the only people

#548
that liked him

#551
because

#555
Jeff said you'd say that.

#556
Jeff-- What now?

#557
Troy. Troy, Troy, Troy.

#558
That's my name.

#559
I think if we add in a little

#560
bit of Phylicia Rashad,

#562
Right.

#563
That beige is light.

#564
Um-- Wow.

#565
Yeah, yeah.

#566
We are developing

#567
the perfect mascot.

#568
No stereotypical identifiers

#569
from any race or gender.

#571
we're staying away from.

#572
Pan-Asian eye folds, uh,

#576
It goes from Seal

#577
to Seal's teeth.

#579
JEFF:

#580
I think

#581
not being racist

#582
is the new racism.

#583
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#585
Ooh, I left the nose

#586
in the kiln.

#591
Which means

#592
I'll be getting rid of these.

#597
I want him

#601
the new mascot

#602
and things are finally

#608
Ooh. Ow.

#609
I'm gonna get

#610
some more coffee.

#612
A Desmond Tutu

#613
with enough cream to make

#614
a Lou Diamond Phillips.

#615
La Bamba. Got it.

#616
[♪♪♪]

#619
I've been following you.

#620
How much did the dean

#621
pay you to make Troy play?

#623
with someone

#625
Because I'm right?

#626
Because I'm not in

#629
of me.

#632
For that,

#633
you've convinced Troy

#634
to flush his life down

#635
football's toilet again?

#636
Britta's right. You are

#637
the most selfish person.

#638
All that is gonna end now.

#639
I'm telling him what kind

#640
of friend you are.

#642
in love with him.

#643
High school

#646
to notice you.

#651
or were you worried

#658
what he wants,

#661
Because, really,

#665
You're right.

#666
I could never be

#667
as good as you.

#668
Probably,

#669
because I actually care.

#670
Profound,

#675
because it won't happen.

#676
Yeah.

#677
[♪♪♪]

#678
[WHISPERS]:

#679
Damn it.

#681
to the bathroom with me?

#684
But, uh,

#687
on ourselves for men?

#688
I don't know, sweetie.

#689
Maybe it's because men

#690
make the world go around?

#691
Kleenex?

#696
of the litter,

#697
and I'll never

#699
Oh, Annie, screw him.

#700
There are guys out there

#702
If Troy isn't one of them,

#703
that's him failing

#704
your standards. You got that?

#705
You're right.

#708
I wouldn't want to.

#710
Britta.

#713
Yes.

#715
[ALL GIGGLE]

#717
I did it. I did it.

#718
Oh, yes, you did.

#719
[♪♪♪]

#720
[CHANTING IN DISTANCE]

#723
Human Beings.

#725
Troy. Troy.

#727
What?

#729
to get in high school.

#731
and depression

#733
of that door.

#734
Is this your first

#735
pep rally or something?

#736
You told me football was

#737
the most important thing.

#739
It's kind of my gimmick.

#741
No, let me.

#742
That keg flip

#743
that cost me my scholarship?

#746
What?

#747
There was a scout coming

#748
to the final game,

#749
and I couldn't take

#750
the pressure.

#751
So I took the easy way out.

#752
When you showed me

#753
that field,

#754
I saw there was nothing

#755
to worry about.

#756
I could play football

#757
for fun.

#758
Have you seen these guys?

#760
Dude, we have feelings.

#761
I don't know about you,

#762
but I know I ended up here

#763
because things

#764
weren't that great out there.

#765
[♪♪♪]

#766
Try accepting

#767
where you're at, man.

#768
Take a pottery class

#769
or something.

#772
Nancy Pelosi is no fun ♪

#773
[ANNOUNCER SPEAKS

#774
INDISTINCTLY ON MIC]

#775
[♪♪♪]

#777
Hey.

#781
Look, I'm, uh--

#784
Really?

#787
Hmm. Okay, maybe I was

#788
a little more wrong.

#789
I should grow up

#791
It's not like Greendale

#792
is gonna kill me.

#794
[SCREAMS]

#799
for him to see.

#800
[MASCOT GRUNTING]

#802
But take it from me,

#803
that's human for "hello."

#804
Let's get you

#805
into the pep rally.

#808
We've solved racism.

#809
What's next?

#811
Let's do something

#813
PIERCE:

#814
How about little albinos?

#815
Has the potential to be

#818
♪ Please, please ♪

#820
♪ Please, do not go ♪

#821
♪ Please, please, please

#822
Do not go ♪

#824
Do not go ♪

#827
Here at Greendale.

#828
Greendale.

#829
BOTH:

#830
Say what?

#831
A few quick announcements.

#832
Number one.

#834
starting right now.

#836
butt soup.

#837
Announcement number three,

#838
I am not Hadji

#840
On security, you gotta

#843
MAN:

#844
Hey.

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