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Season 1, Episode 1 — Pilot

#1
PELTON:

#2
Good morning.

#3
Many of you

#4
are halfway through

#5
your first week here

#7
I thought I would share

#8
a few thoughts of wisdom

#9
and inspiration.

#10
What is community college?

#11
Well, you've heard

#12
all kinds of things.

#14
for remedial teens,

#15
20-something dropouts,

#16
middle-aged divorcees,

#17
and old people keeping

#18
their minds active

#19
as they circle

#20
the drain of eternity.

#21
That's what you've heard.

#22
However, I wish you luck.

#23
Okay, you know-- Uh-oh.

#24
There's more

#25
to this speech.

#26
There's a middle card

#27
that's missing.

#28
Can we look around

#29
our immediate areas?

#37
But not angry at America,

#38
angry at my mom for leaving.

#39
She did leave

#40
because he was angry

#41
and he was angry

#42
because she's American.

#43
My name's Abed.

#48
that I had?

#49
Oh, uh--

#50
Five after 11

#51
when you asked.

#52
Abed.

#53
Yeah.

#58
I talked to her once while

#59
she was borrowing a pencil.

#60
But her name is Britta,

#61
28, birthday in October.

#62
Has two older brothers.

#63
One works with children

#64
who have a disorder

#65
I might look up.

#66
She thinks she's gonna

#67
flunk tomorrow's test.

#69
if that makes her seem cold.

#72
That's the nicest thing

#73
anyone's ever said to me.

#74
DUNCAN:

#75
Jeff Winger,

#77
You gotta stop saying that.

#78
I will never do that.

#79
Sit down. Sit down.

#80
So, what is my lawyer

#81
doing here?

#82
I'm a student.

#83
Well, that cannot be

#84
an inspiring journey.

#87
my license.

#89
was less than legitimate.

#90
You had a bachelor's

#91
from Columbia?

#92
Now I have to get one

#93
from America.

#94
It can't be

#96
Well, you've picked

#97
a fine school.

#98
Yes. And I'm hoping

#99
that our friendship

#102
Yes.

#104
Every answer to every test

#106
that I'm taking.

#111
Waster. Not a bathroom.

#112
Not a bathroom.

#114
less into integrity

#116
12 of your peers

#118
on the freeway

#122
was loving America.

#124
Thank you.

#126
Jeff, are you familiar

#127
with the adage

#128
"Cheaters never prosper"?

#129
No. And if I wanted to

#130
learn something,

#131
I wouldn't have come

#132
to community college.

#133
[♪♪♪]

#134
Oh, hey, Spanish.

#136
Whoa.

#142
on his iPhone

#145
I'm taking the class

#146
as an easy credit.

#148
Board certified.

#150
[IN SPANISH]

#151
I really need help

#152
with Spanish.

#153
I was willing to bet.

#154
I'm Jeff.

#155
Or jefe.

#156
We meet

#157
at the library at 4.

#158
Yeah.

#159
Britta. Thanks.

#160
[♪♪♪]

#161
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

#162
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

#163
Hey, all right, come on in.

#164
I rented the table.

#165
Yeah, here's the, uh,

#166
contact sheet.

#167
Just put your stuff there.

#168
That's--

#169
Man, the rest of the group

#170
is running late.

#171
But you and I

#172
can get acquainted.

#174
this morning,

#176
Yeah. I like big talk.

#178
That's not small talk?

#179
What's your deal,

#180
and is God dead?

#181
All right,

#183
Mm.

#187
Yeah.

#189
I'll like you.

#190
You lie to me,

#194
Uh-- I would have to go--

#195
I would have to say,

#196
um, honesty.

#197
Because I would say anything

#198
to get what I want,

#199
and I want you to like me.

#200
So, uh...

#201
Well,

#203
For now,

#209
Whoo! Whoo!

#210
Whoo. Why?

#211
Britta invited me.

#212
Is that cool?

#213
Oh, I can't think of a single

#214
logical reason why not.

#216
JEFF: There you go.

#217
Put your info down

#218
right there.

#219
Cool, cool, cool.

#220
Cool, cool, cool.

#222
Breakfast Club, huh?

#224
I'm sure we've each

#226
that would make us cry

#227
if we talked about it.

#230
I got doozy in the chamber

#231
if things get emotional.

#232
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

#233
Hey, text message.

#235
Uh, er, it's probably--

#236
It's just for your eyes.

#240
That is weird.

#241
Do you have to pee?

#243
Hmm.

#244
Well, I'm stumped.

#245
That's very creepy.

#247
That makes two of us.

#250
ABED:

#252
It's just someone with

#254
I just need five minutes.

#255
So go ahead and study

#256
all the verbs in Spanish.

#257
[WHISPERS]

#258
Spanish.

#259
[♪♪♪]

#260
Suppose

#262
it was possible

#264
I would say go for that.

#265
And could have said so

#266
in a text.

#267
I'm asking

#272
I could make anything

#273
right or wrong.

#274
So either I'm God

#275
or truth is relative,

#281
You don't have to play shrink

#282
to protect your pride.

#283
I accept you're chicken.

#284
I'm a professor.

#286
A 6-year-old girl could

#287
talk to you that way.

#288
Yes, because

#290
No, because

#291
you're a 5-year-old girl,

#292
and there's a pecking order.

#294
Thank you.

#296
Yes, good.

#297
Why am I still shouting?

#299
You guys

#300
aren't gonna believe this,

#302
Is here.

#303
Are you

#306
right, Seacrest?

#307
I need to call my babysitter

#308
if we gonna be late.

#310
Where's Britta?

#311
Not sure. I invited people

#312
from Spanish class.

#314
It's the coolest.

#316
And bring my jacket,

#317
wallet and keys with me

#318
in case there's a fire.

#319
Should we go with him?

#320
Gonna leave my homework

#321
with Slumdog Millionaire.

#322
SHIRLEY:

#323
That's borderline racist.

#324
[♪♪♪]

#325
And busted.

#326
Listen.

#328
Yeah, but they're filtered,

#329
so that makes them safe.

#330
You ready to get started?

#333
a page on Craigslist.

#334
And I was trained

#335
never to say this,

#336
but I think that group

#337
may be untutorable.

#338
Oh, really?

#339
Why don't you and I

#340
go study over--

#342
Or drinks.

#343
I think, actually,

#345
and study first

#347
And if they really prove

#348
to be untutorable,

#349
we'll slip out early.

#351
[♪♪♪]

#352
[♪♪♪]

#353
JEFF:

#356
I can stay till 10.

#357
But who studies

#358
with strangers, right?

#359
My name is Jeff.

#360
Jeff, it's a pleasure.

#363
as in Hawthorne Wipes,

#366
I was just gonna ask.

#367
I'm a Toastmaster.

#370
You know Brittles.

#372
Abed. Abed the Arab.

#374
Sure.

#376
Troy.

#378
Annie.

#379
And this beautiful creature

#380
is named Shirley.

#381
Is that even close?

#386
Way more

#387
like Breakfast Club.

#389
We should get started--

#390
I've been a part of a lot

#395
Well, Annie, sweetie,

#396
it's not behind your back.

#398
and the "sweeties"?

#401
if anything,

#406
No, no, no. Don't.

#408
Shirley, go ahead.

#409
Okay, okay.

#410
I'm sure I've made

#412
And maybe Annie's

#413
decisions will be better.

#414
I think she needs to decide

#415
whether she wants to be

#417
because children get pity,

#418
but not respect,

#419
and adults, they get respect.

#423
"jukebox" in Spanish?

#425
JEFF: Pierce.

#427
Pardon you?

#429
I'm certified.

#430
Are you unaware

#431
that Shirley finds

#433
What advances?

#434
You have been

#435
sexually harassing me

#436
since the very first day

#437
of class.

#438
Sexually harassing?

#439
What--?

#440
That makes no sense to me.

#441
Why would I harass somebody

#442
who turns me on?

#443
Saying she turns you on

#444
is the harassment, dude.

#445
Hey.

#448
dinner guest.

#452
This teenage boy

#455
Troy.

#457
How'd you know I went there?

#460
Were you that girl that got

#462
You're little Annie Adderall.

#466
in a keg stand.

#467
Keg flip.

#468
Very hard to pull off.

#471
[GROUP ARGUING]

#472
You know what I got

#473
for Christmas?

#474
It was a banner year

#475
at the Bender family.

#476
I got a carton of cigarettes.

#477
The old man grabbed me.

#478
He said,

#479
"Hey, smoke up, Johnny."

#480
No, Dad, what about you?

#482
The Breakfast Club.

#485
[CELL PHONE RINGING]

#486
Dirty Dancing. Hello?

#487
DUNCAN [IN DEEP VOICE]:

#488
It's Professor Duncan.

#492
[PHONE BEEPS]

#493
I'll be right back.

#494
But while I'm gone,

#495
you guys need to

#496
hash this stuff out.

#497
No stone unturned. Go.

#498
[GROUP CHATTERING]

#499
[♪♪♪]

#500
Every answer

#501
to every test

#502
in your curriculum

#503
this semester.

#505
Thank you.

#506
Whoa, there, grabby grabby.

#507
What do I get?

#509
Even, fairness, right, wrong.

#510
There is no God.

#513
Your Lexus.

#515
worth of answers?

#516
Will it be just a semester,

#517
though, Jeff?

#518
Won't you be taking

#519
the easy way out

#520
for the next four years?

#521
I want payment in advance.

#522
I want leather seats

#523
with built-in ball warmers.

#529
Take this car.

#530
It's good for the Earth.

#532
with a leaf,

#533
but it's not

#535
JEFF:

#536
Golf cart.

#539
Yeah. Untutorable.

#540
You like Thai food?

#541
I love Thai food.

#545
for a shot

#547
Why can't you see that

#550
What do you want me to do?

#555
I'm the Barack Obama

#556
of this room.

#557
Okay, if I do that,

#558
then dinner, right?

#559
[SCOFFS]

#560
Yeah, fine, whatever.

#565
when you see my new car.

#566
[♪♪♪]

#568
All right, everybody!

#569
I wanna say something.

#570
Sit down.

#573
from other animals?

#574
Feet.

#577
We're the only species

#578
on earth

#579
that observes

#580
"Shark Week."

#581
Sharks don't even observe

#582
"Shark Week," but we do.

#583
For the same reason

#584
I can pick up this pencil,

#585
tell you it's name is Steve

#587
Oh.

#588
JEFF:

#589
And part of you dies

#590
just a little bit

#591
on the inside.

#592
Because people can connect

#593
with anything.

#594
We can sympathize with

#595
a pencil,

#596
we can forgive a shark,

#597
and we can give Ben Affleck

#598
an Academy Award

#599
for screenwriting.

#600
PIERCE:

#601
Big mistake.

#602
People can find the good

#603
in just about anything

#604
but themselves.

#605
Look at me. It's clear to

#609
But what I can do is see

#610
what makes Annie awesome.

#611
She's driven.

#612
We need driven people,

#613
or the lights go out

#614
and the ice cream melts.

#615
And Pierce,

#616
we need guys like Pierce.

#618
The Dalai Lama and I--

#620
We should listen to him.

#621
We wouldn't regret it.

#622
And Shirley,

#625
but as a woman.

#626
Don't test her on that,

#627
because that thing

#628
about the jukebox

#629
was too specific

#630
to be improvised.

#631
And Troy.

#632
Who cares if Troy thinks

#633
he's all that?

#635
And Abed. Abed's a shaman.

#636
You ask him to pass the salt,

#637
he gives you a bowl of soup.

#638
Because you know what,

#639
soup is better.

#640
Abed is better.

#641
You are all better

#642
than you think you are.

#643
You are just designed

#644
not to believe it

#646
Soup?

#647
Look to the person

#648
to your left.

#649
Sorry. Look at the person

#650
sitting next to you.

#651
SHIRLEY:

#652
Look at her. Okay.

#654
JEFF: Yeah.

#655
I want you to extend

#656
to that person

#658
to sharks, pencils

#659
and Ben Affleck.

#660
I want you to say

#661
to that person,

#662
"I forgive you."

#663
BOTH:

#664
I forgive you.

#666
I forgive you.

#670
"I forgive you."

#672
I forgive you.

#673
You've just stopped

#674
being a study group.

#675
You have become something

#676
unstoppable.

#677
I hereby pronounce you

#678
a community.

#679
Oh, that's nice.

#680
I like that.

#681
[♪♪♪]

#683
anymore.

#684
It's Stripes or Meatballs.

#685
Anything with Bill Murray.

#686
I agree with Abed that

#688
And now,

#689
if you'll excuse me,

#690
I have a dinner engagement

#691
with Britta.

#693
I lied.

#694
Thanks for calming

#695
everyone down.

#698
just a lying creep

#700
in an attempt to get with me,

#701
I'd appreciate it if you left

#705
Fine.

#706
And I'm happy to report

#707
that one of the benefits

#708
of being a lying creep

#709
is having all the answers

#710
to tomorrow's test.

#713
more than they wasted mine.

#714
Jeff, if you have

#715
all the answers,

#716
why the hell did you start

#717
this study group?

#718
I don't have a study group.

#719
I made it up.

#721
JEFF: That's what I do.

#722
I make things up.

#723
And I got paid

#724
a lot of money to do it.

#725
Before I came

#728
[ALL GROAN]

#729
SHIRLEY:

#732
Bill Murray.

#735
Yeah?

#736
Well, you have Asperger's.

#737
[ANNIE GASPS]

#739
Ha, ha. Ass burger.

#741
It really is.

#745
Heh, heh.

#747
Burger for your ass.

#748
[♪♪♪]

#749
[CHUCKLES]

#750
Before you say anything,

#751
you might wanna think

#754
No. No, not that.

#755
An important lesson.

#757
to survive out there

#758
will not help you here

#759
at Greendale.

#760
What you have, my friend,

#761
is a second chance

#762
at an honest life.

#763
Give me my keys.

#765
for the lesson.

#769
PIERCE:

#770
I like you, Jeffrey.

#772
at your age.

#773
I deserve that.

#775
seven times?

#776
Sometimes I think

#778
You keep getting married.

#779
I never

#782
Yeah, things got kind of

#783
boring after you left.

#785
on a bed covered

#786
in test answers?

#788
I'm gonna flunk the test.

#789
If you just, like, study

#791
You seem pretty smart.

#792
You got a sports coat.

#795
is you can get

#799
how to do that.

#801
[MOUTHING]

#802
Please? So sad?

#803
[MOUTHING]

#804
He makes me wanna:

#805
What's going on?

#806
Can you guys hear me?

#807
Am I deaf?

#809
right now?

#811
That's good.

#812
You know what?

#813
Jeff, actually,

#814
we didn't get that far

#815
without you.

#816
So if you wanna come

#817
back upstairs--

#818
Really?

#820
so--

#822
Sounds good.

#824
Pressure.

#825
[THE 88'S "DON'T YOU

#826
FORGET ABOUT ME" PLAYING]

#827
♪ Will you walk on by? ♪

#828
I'm sorry I called you

#829
Michael Douglas.

#830
And I see your value now.

#831
♪ Come on, call my name ♪

#832
That's the nicest thing

#833
anyone's ever said to me.

#834
♪ I say, la

#835
La la la ♪

#836
♪ La, la, la, la ♪

#837
♪ La, la, la, la, la

#838
La, la, la ♪

#839
♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

#840
♪ La, la, la, la ♪

#841
[♪♪♪]

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