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Season 1, Episode 7 — Introduction to Statistics

#2
As you know,

#3
all faculty at Greendale

#4
are required to give

#5
extra credit

#6
to students who organize

#10
No student

#11
in any department

#13
until now.

#14
[CHUCKLES]

#15
Tonight, in the library,

#16
I will be hosting

#19
Día de los Muertos,

#20
or Day of the Dead,

#21
is sometimes referred to

#22
as Mexican Halloween.

#24
to people

#26
as a sexual position.

#28
you get extra credit.

#30
See you tonight.

#32
[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

#33
Um...

#34
Most of you responded

#35
to my e-vite,

#36
but some of you

#37
remain evasive, so...

#38
Count me in.

#40
I got some tequila,

#42
the Rise of Taj, and look.

#44
My husband's been gone

#45
for six months.

#46
I think it's time for me

#47
to embrace being single.

#48
Message received.

#49
I'm waiting to hear

#50
from Jeff and Pierce.

#53
Access e-mail.

#54
You're not going

#55
to Annie's party?

#56
Oh, it conflicts

#60
It's like I'm my mother.

#61
VOICE [ON PHONE]:

#62
Calling mother.

#63
What?

#64
Speaking of enjoying life,

#65
I don't wanna beat

#66
a dead horse,

#68
anything non-platonic

#70
I'm sure.

#71
Good. One of my professors

#72
is really hot.

#73
And I wanted to give you

#74
first right of refusal.

#75
WOMAN [OVER SPEAKERPHONE]:

#76
Hello? Pierce?

#78
How's school going?

#79
Are you popular?

#81
right now.

#82
[STAMMERING]

#83
Wrong number.

#84
Has that boy Jeff

#85
stopped teasing you?

#87
[THUDDING]

#88
I saw your father's ghost

#89
again.

#90
He's still angry.

#92
PLAYING]

#93
♪ Give me some more

#94
Time in a dream ♪

#95
♪ Give me the hope

#96
To run out of steam ♪

#97
♪ Somebody said

#98
It can be here ♪

#99
♪ We could be roped up

#100
Tied up dead in a year ♪

#101
♪ I can't count the reasons

#102
I should stay ♪

#103
♪ One by one they all

#104
Just fade away ♪

#105
The Bernoulli Distribution

#106
is the number of successes

#107
in a sequence of

#109
Okay. For the quiz, Monday

#112
Bernoulli's one of

#113
my favorites.

#115
were not his only love.

#117
used on meat and poultry.

#118
That's béarnaise.

#119
We may need to settle this

#120
at a restaurant.

#121
That's cute.

#122
A little aggressive.

#123
But as a busy,

#125
I'm attracted to men

#126
who take charge.

#127
Are you being sarcastic

#128
or am I nailing it?

#129
You were nailing it

#130
until you had to ask.

#131
Oh, damn it.

#132
Starting over.

#134
I'd like to, Mr. Winger.

#137
to know I'd never feel

#139
Thank you.

#140
Only problem,

#141
I don't date students.

#142
[♪♪♪]

#143
JEFF:

#145
Oh. Hey. Awkward.

#146
How small is this campus?

#147
Bastard.

#149
It's disgusting

#150
the way men behave.

#152
Heigl movie poster,

#153
where Gerard Butler

#157
I don't care what Jeff does.

#159
I'm barely a student.

#160
I'm older than you,

#161
I drive a Lexus.

#165
It's uncanny

#166
how many of my buttons

#167
you're finding,

#168
but I have a personal rule

#169
about this and I stick to it.

#171
I can change your mind.

#172
I know you can.

#173
That's why you're not

#174
getting the chance.

#175
Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo.

#176
Are you coming to my party?

#177
I'm definitely gonna try

#178
to swing by.

#179
Then I can mark you down

#180
as definitely being there

#181
from 7:00 sharp

#182
until question mark?

#186
do you understand?

#187
I am being assertive,

#190
Are you trying to get

#191
formidable with me?

#193
Infomercials work on Pierce.

#195
If you show up, it will be

#196
the first party I host

#197
where everyone doesn't say

#199
for the news.

#201
This won't work.

#202
The last time you did this,

#203
I saved a vial of your tears.

#204
And I've been slowly

#205
building up an immunity.

#206
I was so unpopular

#207
in high school,

#208
the crossing guard

#211
at being hip, cool,

#212
laid-back.

#214
Thank you.

#215
I'm putting you down

#216
for two bags of ice

#218
[♪♪♪]

#219
Taking a pill?

#221
"Xenolovaden."

#224
Fantastic.

#232
Heard stories about it.

#234
with no pants on,

#235
which in the Gaza Strip

#238
be careful.

#239
Look, I really don't need

#240
your advice,

#241
and I'm not your pantsless

#242
grandpa.

#243
"Pantsless grandpa."

#244
[LAUGHS]

#245
[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING

#246
OVER SPEAKERS]

#247
ANNIE:

#248
Scary.

#249
You look great.

#250
Hi.

#251
Britta,

#253
Thank you.

#255
as an excuse

#256
to dress up like sluts,

#257
you know?

#258
Yeah.

#259
Okay, everyone.

#260
I think we can begin.

#261
I've got everyone's

#263
por tradición.

#264
And, in a few minutes

#265
we're going to start

#266
the Dance of the Dead,

#267
La Danza de los Muertos.

#268
You don't have to keep

#269
doing that.

#270
Party on.

#271
Nice of you to be here,

#273
with your hot professor.

#274
It's funny.

#280
CHANG:

#281
Professor Slater?

#282
She's not grading papers.

#284
Oh, look.

#286
Are you saying

#287
my people are sneaky?

#288
What?

#291
on the horizon.

#295
Hey. Can I ask you something

#296
I always wanted to ask

#298
Yeah.

#299
Am I good-looking?

#301
young man.

#302
I knew it.

#306
I am the Beastmaster.

#308
What rock

#310
What are you going as?

#311
A gay douche bag?

#313
Nice one.

#315
You're not much of

#317
Oh. Body blow.

#318
Is that liquor?

#319
[IN ENGLISH ACCENT]

#320
Hello.

#321
Here's your drinks, mates.

#322
JEFF:

#324
[IN NORMAL VOICE]

#325
I'm Harry Potter.

#327
What up, Urkel?

#328
[♪♪♪]

#329
[TOILET FLUSHES]

#331
Oh!

#332
All right.

#333
What are you taking?

#334
Huh? Oh.

#335
You know,

#336
the usual cool stuff.

#337
I've got 'ludes, dreamers,

#338
Johnny Boys.

#341
I don't know,

#342
Star-Burns, I'm--

#344
with the Beastmaster.

#345
Hey. Who said you weren't?

#346
Saddle up, fruit pie.

#348
May I?

#349
Here, take this.

#350
Give anyone that shows up

#351
their stupid credit.

#353
Make me your plus one.

#354
Give it up, Winger.

#355
Professor Slater

#356
doesn't date students.

#357
Or married Asians

#358
who drive mopeds.

#359
I'll give you 20 bucks.

#360
I'll bring the hog around.

#361
Okay, it's time

#362
for the Dance of the Dead.

#363
Everyone form a circle.

#364
Lights. Music.

#365
Is it under genre

#367
Hey, man,

#371
What did you slip me, man?

#372
My heart stopped racing

#373
and I can't pee.

#374
Now, for the first dance,

#377
Jeff Winger?

#378
[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING

#379
OVER SPEAKERS]

#380
Jeff?

#381
Where's Jeff?

#382
Please slow down.

#385
JEFF:

#386
Watch it!

#387
Is Jeff gone?

#388
You know, I'm gonna go.

#390
News.

#391
He just stepped out.

#393
He's going to

#394
the faculty party.

#397
No, it's not about her,

#398
Shirley.

#399
I can't believe that Jeff

#400
would do this to Annie.

#401
Yes, absolutely,

#402
it's about Annie.

#403
We should go find

#404
that bitch's car

#405
and snap off her antenna.

#406
It's like high school

#407
all over again.

#408
Everyone's leaving.

#409
Not me.

#411
I love you.

#412
[CHATTERING]

#413
[BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYING

#414
OVER SPEAKERS]

#416
What are you doing here?

#418
I have to admit,

#420
I may or may not

#421
have been deflowered

#422
by a junior rodeo champion.

#423
You remind me

#424
of my first time too.

#425
You lost your virginity

#426
to Robin Hood?

#428
at a party.

#429
We seem destined

#430
to repeat history.

#431
I told you, no students.

#432
It's unseemly.

#433
I go out with you,

#434
you tell your friends.

#435
What friends?

#436
I have no friends.

#437
I hate everyone here

#438
but you.

#440
What are you doing here?

#442
You should be over

#443
at the library with Annie.

#446
a costume guy.

#447
Had to have one to get in,

#448
squirrel.

#452
I don't know

#453
what you're getting at.

#456
And it is tight too.

#459
I'd say yes.

#460
Hi, Michelle Slater, PhD.

#461
Britta Perry, GED.

#462
Oh, are you a classmate

#463
of Jeff's?

#464
When you say classmate,

#465
it sounds like

#466
we take naps together

#467
and eat paste.

#468
What's great about

#469
community college is

#470
is that a lot of the students

#472
Jeff, you must return

#473
to Annie's party.

#474
She's feeling unpopular.

#476
and he is tripping balls.

#477
He's touching people

#478
and dancing weird.

#479
It's like Grumpy Old Men,

#480
but not hilarious.

#483
You're all being unseemly.

#486
Why is Urkel ripping

#487
the antenna

#488
off Professor Slater's car?

#489
[CROWD GASPS]

#490
That's right,

#493
you steal Jeff

#494
from a good woman.

#495
[CROWD GASPS]

#496
No, Abed.

#497
[LAUGHING]

#498
[PIERCE MUMBLING

#499
INDISTINCTLY]

#500
[MEOWING]

#502
Yeah.

#503
Enough.

#507
Abed, you're not Batman.

#508
Pierce, Pierce, Pierce.

#510
Studies department.

#512
I'm old?

#513
What do you mean old?

#514
Whose hands are these?

#515
[GROANING]

#517
Way to go.

#521
She's pretty hot.

#522
Well, where were we,

#523
little doggie?

#525
Yeah, crap.

#526
[THUDDING

#527
AND GLASS BREAKING]

#528
BRITTA:

#529
Shirley?

#530
[GRUNTING]

#531
Shirley?

#532
This is Professor

#533
Robin Hood's office.

#537
Why?

#538
To teach that long neck,

#539
weave-having bank teller

#540
she can't steal another

#541
woman's man, that's why.

#542
Uh...

#543
I have a confession to make.

#544
I think some

#545
of what I just said

#546
may have more to do

#547
with my situation.

#548
Yeah, the long neck,

#549
weave-having bank teller

#550
didn't feel universal.

#551
My ex-husband

#552
came by this morning,

#553
and he asked

#554
for his ring back.

#555
It was his mother's,

#556
and he wants to give it

#557
to his new girlfriend.

#558
Shirley, that sucks.

#559
The best thing that ever

#561
I just always thought

#562
he'd come crawling back,

#563
and I'd get to tell him

#564
to go to hell.

#565
[CRYING]

#566
He couldn't even

#567
give me that.

#568
You know what the crazy

#569
thing is?

#571
It's like I was too proud

#572
to admit I was hurt,

#573
so I had to pretend

#574
that you were.

#575
I totally get that.

#576
I feel better now.

#577
Let's go check on Annie.

#578
Can you believe

#581
I bet she's nice.

#582
BRITTA:

#583
Yeah.

#584
Nice and pretentious.

#585
[DISTORTED FOLK MUSIC

#586
PLAYING]

#587
Pierce, are you okay?

#588
[LAUGHING

#589
IN DISTORTED VOICE]

#590
Hey, man, what's going on?

#592
Just relax. Relax, man.

#593
Just relax, okay?

#594
JEFF:

#597
You're going to die.

#598
JEFF:

#600
Tell me about The Beatles,

#601
Pierce.

#602
Tell me about Woodstock

#603
and sputnik, Pierce.

#604
[YELLS]

#605
[LAUGHING]

#606
[CRYING]

#607
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING

#608
OVER SPEAKERS]

#609
Do I feel a breeze here?

#610
Because someone

#611
just struck out.

#613
Chang.

#614
Is that what you have

#615
to fall back on?

#616
Look at me, bro.

#617
Look at me.

#618
I've got the body

#619
of a fifth grader, okay?

#620
If I was working

#621
with what you've got,

#622
she'd be at the Comfort Inn

#623
right now

#624
giving me

#625
a Mexican Halloween.

#626
It's this campus.

#627
It feeds on my coolness.

#628
I got no moves anymore.

#629
Moves?

#630
Everything's a game

#631
to guys like you.

#632
I know one move I bet

#634
What is it?

#635
Please sleep with me.

#636
Please.

#637
Pretty please.

#638
I'm so lonely.

#639
I haven't slept with anyone

#640
in a very long time,

#641
and you're so good-looking.

#642
Please do me the favor

#643
of having sex with me.

#645
and promise

#647
I promise. I promise.

#649
Everybody stay out

#650
of the library.

#651
Pierce, it's okay.

#652
Come out of there.

#653
PIERCE:

#654
No, I'm not ready to die.

#656
You're not gonna die.

#657
Look at me.

#658
Just keep walking.

#659
Don't make eye contact.

#660
Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.

#661
Pierce is freaking out.

#662
You're the only one

#663
that can help.

#665
PIERCE: Is Jeff there?

#671
I can't believe

#672
I'm doing this.

#673
I, uh...

#675
good night.

#677
guardian for these people?

#678
No. Um...

#679
They're my classmates.

#680
Good night, Jeff.

#681
CHANG:

#682
Loser!

#683
[♪♪♪]

#684
What in the Pink Floyd?

#688
Is that a death

#689
befitting a beastmaster?

#691
I never saw Beastmaster,

#692
I just wanted to be cool.

#694
[♪♪♪]

#701
we get what we pay for,

#702
don't we?

#703
I'm old, Jeff.

#704
Pierce, I don't know how

#706
but I know

#707
in the last two months,

#708
you've probably doubled

#709
the national average

#710
for amount of life lived

#711
per lifetime.

#712
Well, I do have a young

#713
African-American friend.

#714
Yeah, and more importantly,

#716
in a desk fort that you built

#717
during a bad trip.

#718
If life is just a series

#719
of ridiculous attempts

#720
to be alive,

#721
you're a hero to everything

#722
that's ever lived.

#724
Yeah.

#725
Yeah.

#726
[RUMBLING]

#727
[ALL GASP]

#728
[♪♪♪]

#729
Batman?

#731
Yeah.

#732
Are you staying

#733
for the party?

#734
If I stay,

#736
I must be out there

#737
in the night,

#738
staying vigilant.

#739
Wherever a party needs

#740
to be saved, I'm there.

#741
Wherever there are masks,

#742
wherever there's tomfoolery

#743
and joy,

#744
I'm there.

#745
But sometimes I'm not

#747
staying vigilant, watching.

#748
Lurking, running, jumping,

#749
hurdling, sleeping.

#750
No, I can't sleep.

#751
You sleep. I'm awake.

#753
Am I a bird? No.

#754
I'm a bat.

#755
I am Batman.

#756
Or am I?

#757
Yes, I am Batman.

#758
Happy Halloween.

#759
[IMITATING YODA]

#760
I'm Batman.

#762
[IN DEEP VOICE] I'm Batman.

#763
[IN DEEP VOICE]

#764
That's Batman.

#765
Candy corn

#767
Yeah, it sure does.

#768
At, like, a candy

#769
traffic school.

#772
Look out.

#773
We driving.

#774
Yeah, but you keep wanting

#775
to eat yourself.

#776
All day.

#778
What is?

#779
If I ever, like,

#780
woke up as a doughnut.

#781
You would eat yourself.

#783
Mm. That would be tasty.

#786
Yeah.

#787
Yeah.

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