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Season 1, Episode 8 — Home Economics

#3
There will be--

#4
What's this?

#5
It's okay, it's okay.

#6
Do it.

#7
[LAUGHS]

#8
Buenos dias, Winger.

#9
Ah. Class dismissed.

#10
[♪♪♪]

#11
TROY:

#12
Hey.

#13
Shirley, look.

#14
I'm Annie's backpack.

#15
Stop it, Troy.

#23
Well, they could do

#24
something on campus.

#25
Tomorrow, there's a picnic

#26
with live music

#27
on the east lawn.

#28
They're calling it

#29
A Night Under The Stars.

#32
Randi?

#33
Oh, I thought--

#34
Oh. You thought--

#36
like that.

#37
Listen...

#38
Randi can be the name

#39
of a guy or a girl.

#40
And in this case,

#43
You're welcome.

#44
And I hate you.

#45
And I wanna have

#46
your children.

#47
Damn, I picked the wrong

#50
Are you okay?

#53
In fashion, I'm what's known

#54
as a tastemaker.

#56
of your face shaving.

#57
And next month,

#58
so will Gwen Stefani.

#59
Here comes Vaughn. Bye.

#60
Oh, crap.

#61
Vaughn? Vaughn.

#63
you did it with.

#64
Oh, God.

#65
Hi, Vaughn.

#67
I'm sorry

#69
Well, I'm sorry

#70
I can't accept your apology

#71
because you're toxic,

#72
Britta.

#73
You know what?

#75
of an antioxidant.

#76
Yeah.

#77
I got band practice.

#79
Can't we still be friends?

#80
Isn't the word "later"

#81
already short enough?

#89
Don't talk to Vaughn.

#90
Your hormones

#92
Don't talk to Vaughn.

#93
That is girl

#94
for "talk to Vaughn."

#95
[♪♪♪]

#96
Ooh.

#99
Shirley.

#100
What is he doing?

#101
Oh, I know exactly

#102
what he's doing.

#108
[GRUNTING]

#109
[♪♪♪]

#111
in the '70s.

#113
on the vinyl back seat

#114
of a Skylark.

#115
Of course,

#116
we didn't have the same

#117
safety standards

#118
back then, so...

#119
[WHISPERS]

#120
No condoms.

#121
I tell you, before AIDS,

#123
Hence, AIDS.

#124
Oh, Brittles,

#125
I forgot to tell you.

#127
What?

#129
things between you.

#130
You really

#131
did a number on him.

#132
Good news is, I'm the new

#133
keyboardist in his band.

#138
I'd like to be there

#139
when the band finds out.

#140
Oh, hi, Jeff.

#141
We were just talking

#143
Mm-mm! Living in your car.

#145
Sorry, I'm not good

#146
at being coy.

#151
with my condo.

#154
They'll put my locks back

#156
How are you gonna

#157
get the money?

#158
Believe me, kitten,

#159
Winger's got moves.

#160
Jeff, do you need

#161
a place to stay?

#162
I'd offer, but my dad's

#163
kind of racist.

#164
Stay with me in the dorms.

#165
My room has a bunk bed.

#166
A misnomer,

#169
charity or pity

#170
will be mentioned by name

#171
in my suicide note.

#172
Oh.

#174
thanks for your advice

#176
Of course.

#177
Anytime, ever.

#183
shop for this stuff?

#185
Really?

#187
No.

#188
Thanks. Later.

#189
Bye.

#191
Hey. Wanna see my place?

#194
No, my real place.

#195
Look at that.

#196
The condo board's

#197
trying to bluff me

#198
by listing my place

#199
as available.

#200
But look at those faucets.

#201
Handcrafted in Italy.

#209
Move on with my life?

#211
This condo is all

#212
that's left of me.

#213
Every part of it

#214
is a part of who I am.

#215
Is that a bidet?

#216
That part's for resale

#217
value.

#218
And Saturday afternoons.

#219
You know,

#221
is your chance

#225
the more you can be.

#227
There's a silver lining here,

#228
isn't there?

#229
You're attracted to bums.

#231
Come on.

#232
Why don't you have dinner

#233
at my place?

#234
I got a hotplate that plugs

#235
into a cigarette lighter.

#237
being towed.

#238
Stop!

#239
That's my house!

#241
Yeah, cool.

#243
or bottom bunk?

#244
Top.

#245
Me too.

#246
Race you for it.

#247
I win.

#250
It's an emergency

#251
situation.

#254
I mean, the premise alone

#255
is priceless.

#256
The guy has the powers

#257
and strength of a spider.

#258
No, your incredulity

#259
perplexes me, nerd.

#261
about farm animals

#262
or Brian Williams?

#264
Cool.

#265
Cool, cool, cool.

#266
Lucky Charms?

#271
than cereal?

#273
into cold milk

#274
and drink it like

#275
a cold hot chocolate.

#276
I call it special drink.

#279
You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.

#281
You're Goldie Hawn.

#283
No.

#284
In Overboard,

#285
she was just like you.

#288
Then she fell off her boat

#289
and it was good for her.

#290
Ultimately, she realized

#291
she was happier poor,

#292
raising unruly boys

#293
with Kurt Russell.

#295
Do whatever you want.

#296
You just have to know

#297
what that is.

#298
For me, it's Lucky Charms

#299
and TV.

#300
I could use a break.

#301
A picnic blanket.

#302
Genius. I was gonna

#303
lay down newspaper.

#306
Yeah?

#307
That's pretty hot.

#309
Oh.

#311
It's scary.

#312
If he's not interested,

#314
You could.

#317
the dice.

#320
I'm going to roll them.

#321
I am.

#322
I just-- I need

#323
a few more shakes.

#324
Mm. Shake them

#326
If you'll excuse me,

#330
Kind of hoping for

#332
VAUGHN:

#333
This is for you.

#336
No.

#338
to help smooth things over.

#339
♪ Saying goodbye to Britta

#342
And a liar ♪

#343
♪ There ain't nothing left

#344
To woo ♪

#346
♪ What am I doing?

#347
I'm getting rid of the B ♪

#349
VAUGHN:

#351
♪ I'm getting rid of the B ♪

#352
♪ She's a GDB ♪

#353
VAUGHN:

#354
Take it, Pierce.

#355
Same as a 45-year-old,

#356
except he doesn't

#357
get as tired.

#358
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV]

#359
We can pick them

#360
from the cream...

#361
Great to have somebody

#362
to watch stuff with.

#363
My dad never wanted

#364
to watch anything,

#365
so I was raised by TV.

#369
at the zoo.

#373
Cop Rock.

#374
Cop Rock.

#375
That sounds cool.

#377
Hey.

#378
Wow.

#379
You guys are really

#382
I've spent a quarter.

#383
We're having the time

#384
of our lives.

#385
See?

#388
faucets in here?

#390
down the hallway.

#391
It actually helped me come

#393
You don't sit on a toilet

#394
like that

#395
until you've left

#398
Hey, bros.

#399
This is Pavel.

#400
He lives next door.

#402
[SPEAKS IN POLISH]

#403
Britta?

#406
Excuse me. I have a future

#407
murder victim to visit.

#409
Cool.

#411
[SPEAKS IN POLISH]

#412
[BAND PLAYING]

#413
Guys, what the hell?

#414
"Getting Rid of Britta"?

#416
to me

#417
and to the definition

#418
of rhyme scheme.

#419
Wow. If you don't

#420
like my song,

#421
you don't have to listen,

#422
all right?

#423
I'm an artist

#424
and I write what I feel.

#426
PIERCE: Oh, oh.

#430
for a second?

#434
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

#435
Your song?

#436
We wrote it together.

#437
Are you trying

#438
to Garfunkel me?

#439
Maybe, assuming

#440
to Garfunkel someone

#441
is to

#442
keep putting up with them

#443
even though

#444
they're a fat, lazy cat

#445
who hogs the spotlight

#446
and eats all the lasagna.

#447
I get it.

#449
What? Why?

#451
these skinny jeans,

#452
my ass looks like

#453
a baby pumpkin.

#455
a small-nippled,

#456
credit-hogging jag

#457
who only knows

#459
My band, my song.

#460
You want that, huh, Pierce?

#461
How do you like that?

#462
I'm out!

#463
You get on that horse.

#464
VAUGHN:

#465
Lates!

#467
my honor?

#468
Huh?

#469
Oh, yeah. Totally.

#470
You'll light the candles

#471
and you'll take a bite

#472
and she'll take a bite

#473
and you'll laugh.

#474
[LAUGHS]

#475
And you'll offer her

#476
your letter jacket

#479
And she'll feel like

#481
Right.

#482
I couldn't have done this

#483
without your help.

#484
You're really nice.

#485
We should've hung out more

#486
in high school.

#488
to be my backpack?

#489
Oh. Yeah, yeah.

#490
I'm funny.

#491
All right. Ah.

#492
I gotta go get ready.

#493
Troy, wait.

#494
I have to tell you.

#495
My appendix is bursting.

#497
Yeah. Yeah.

#498
My appendix is bursting.

#499
[SCREAMS]

#500
Oh. Oh, no.

#501
Okay, two young students.

#505
right?

#506
[LAUGHS]

#507
Us? No.

#509
and I have appendicitis.

#510
Oh.

#516
Cool. I'll see you.

#517
[SCREAMS]

#518
God. Where does it hurt?

#519
Everywhere.

#520
We have to quarantine you.

#521
We gotta get you

#522
to a safe distance.

#525
Great.

#526
Wait, wait.

#527
This is a date?

#528
Yeah, you need these.

#529
Nice.

#530
I'll be thinking of you.

#531
Okay, I need to go.

#532
No, we--

#533
We have to observe you

#534
overnight. It's policy.

#535
We don't want another

#537
She was the Typhoid Mary

#538
of herpes.

#539
I'm kind of the Hawkeye

#540
around here,

#541
so it's kind of a--

#542
Are you seeing anybody?

#545
Knight Rider

#546
marathon.

#547
The shadowy flight

#550
[MUMBLING]

#551
Britta, may I have a word?

#553
You need to take Jeff back.

#554
Never had him,

#556
He's got a real

#557
Phil Spector vibe going.

#558
ABED:

#559
He's like E.T.

#560
He crashed in my place

#561
and we're friends now,

#562
which is great for me,

#563
but bad for him.

#567
Abed.

#568
Don't be naive.

#569
The charge between you two

#570
is keeping him going.

#572
if he takes a shower

#574
I'm heading back.

#575
Pavel's making babka.

#576
Do it, Britta.

#577
Seduce him.

#578
Draw the tapeworm of Jeff's

#579
old self out with the milk

#581
No.

#582
Then say goodbye to E.T.

#585
And your wife is married

#586
to an idiot.

#587
What's wrong now, woman?

#588
LOUISE:

#589
You.

#590
You can't see further

#591
than them--

#592
What are you doing?

#594
I was wrong, okay?

#595
Material possessions

#596
are important.

#602
What about good cars,

#603
good lobster?

#604
What about that sport

#605
where the British people

#606
ride the horses

#608
Jeez, you are way out

#609
of your element here.

#611
a single word

#612
I am saying for me.

#613
But for you?

#615
rare people

#617
the surface.

#619
on a turd,

#620
you don't get a diamond.

#621
You just get a turd

#623
Thanks, coach.

#624
Can you turn the TV back on?

#625
[GROANS]

#628
These look like--

#629
Wait.

#630
I made this notch

#631
to indicate

#633
for combination skin.

#634
These were mine?

#635
For a fancy condo,

#636
you've got awful security.

#638
so that every day,

#639
when you're spending way

#643
I can do it again."

#644
Yeah.

#647
Look at all this work

#648
you're doing

#653
You are the worst.

#654
Yeah, clearly.

#655
Sorry. Ahem.

#656
I want you to know

#657
I haven't changed my mind

#658
about the band.

#659
I'm out.

#661
We wanna recognize

#662
a couple of sponsors.

#665
Lay off Britta.

#666
I mean, she may walk

#668
but underneath all that clown

#669
makeup, she's a good kid.

#671
I've moved on.

#673
Lates, okay.

#674
Snakes. What--?

#675
Greendale!

#676
[CROWD CHEERING]

#677
[BAND PLAYING]

#678
♪ Pierce, I don't need you

#679
In my band ♪

#680
♪ I don't need your heart

#681
Or your hand ♪

#682
♪ I am my own person ♪

#684
Yeah, you heard me say it.

#685
♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪

#686
ANNIE:

#687
No!

#688
Before you two proceed,

#689
I have one thing to say.

#691
I want my nana's

#692
blanket back.

#693
Do you guys mind?

#694
Could you scoot over?

#695
It's an heirloom.

#696
I want it.

#697
Thank you.

#698
Have a nice date.

#700
For me, that was huge.

#701
I know, sweetie.

#704
Yeah, cool, thanks.

#705
♪ This a song for Pierce

#706
'Cause him so old ♪

#707
♪ His body made

#708
Of wrinkles and folds ♪

#709
♪ Stupid and ugly

#710
He smells like a fart ♪

#711
♪ Poo-poo in his pants

#712
And poo-poo in my heart ♪

#713
Hey, look what the cat

#714
dragged out and licked clean.

#721
Thanks.

#722
For caring.

#723
Hey.

#726
I checked into a motel

#728
You would've been fine

#729
with me staying forever?

#730
Yup.

#733
Thanks.

#734
ALL:

#735
♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce ♪

#736
♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪

#737
I'm Pierce.

#738
Yeah, song's about me.

#739
♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce

#740
Pierce, you're a B ♪

#742
MAN 1: Yeah!

#743
VAUGHN:

#744
Come on, sing it for me.

#745
ALL:

#746
♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce ♪

#747
♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪

#748
MAN 2:

#749
Yeah, he is.

#750
ALL:

#751
♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce ♪

#752
♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪

#753
VAUGHN:

#754
Ow!

#755
We are Some Worries!

#756
Good night, Greendale!

#757
♪ East side, west side

#758
North side, south ♪

#761
♪ This rap is by Pierce

#762
Vaughn is dumb ♪

#763
♪ He wears diapers to bed

#766
Wishing he was me ♪

#768
With a glass of pee ♪

#769
♪ Then he goes to school

#770
Where he's stupid again ♪

#771
♪ And everybody hates him

#772
Even all his friends ♪

#774
Then the battle is on ♪

#775
♪ So this rap goes out

#776
To stupid Vaughn ♪

#778
This isn't over.

#779
[HIP-HOP BEAT

#780
PLAYING OVER KEYBOARD]

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