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Season 1, Episode 9 — Debate 109

#1
So then the guy says

#2
to the housekeeper:

#3
"Make sure she's dead."

#5
Would've been nice

#6
27 minutes ago.

#7
The housekeeper says,

#8
"We don't have a pool."

#9
And the guy says--

#11
Just a reminder,

#13
the championship tomorrow

#14
versus City College.

#15
Go, Human Beings.

#16
Great, now I gotta start

#17
the whole joke over again.

#19
No! I've got one for you.

#20
A doddering old fool

#21
walks into a bar,

#22
tells a stupid joke,

#23
and I crush his windpipe

#24
with my three-ringed binder.

#25
I don't get it.

#28
off your pointy face.

#32
I think you should.

#33
You lose weight,

#34
your skin looks great.

#35
I appreciate your support,

#36
but I've got to quit.

#37
You thought

#38
about hypnotherapy?

#40
Ten-to-one says it's him.

#43
Can you help me

#44
block out people's voices

#45
I find extremely annoying?

#46
Jeff, she's right there.

#47
Pierce,

#48
I would be grateful

#49
for your help.

#50
You would? Super.

#51
I'll set it up.

#52
What? I feel bad for him.

#55
Oh.

#57
Wow. Wow.

#58
Have you seen

#60
What do you think?

#61
All of Abed's films

#62
are about us.

#64
TROY: Check it out.

#65
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS]

#66
What else is new?

#68
Hola.

#72
Why are you living

#73
out of your car?

#75
That's eerie.

#76
Fine, it's true.

#77
I'm living out of my car.

#79
We had that

#81
But Abed posted

#82
this video two weeks ago.

#85
This is wrinkling my brain.

#89
Hi. I'm Pierce Hawthorne.

#90
Oh, come on.

#91
[THE 88'S

#93
♪ I can't count the reasons

#94
I should stay ♪

#95
There he is.

#98
I hang on every word.

#100
Correct.

#102
I'm barely listening now.

#106
Jeffrey, as debate coach,

#108
to spend a night

#109
drinking from the cup of life

#110
rather than romancing

#111
your nether regions.

#113
to really stick it

#114
to those City College snobs

#116
Mmm. Pass.

#119
Listen, jerk wad.

#125
is gay.

#128
Free meals?

#131
I'll do it

#132
for the parking space.

#133
If you promise

#134
not to tell me what you mean.

#135
WHITMAN: All right. Yeah.

#136
Pierce, thank you.

#137
I appreciate you

#138
helping me out.

#139
And I appreciate

#140
the opportunity.

#141
Sometimes I think

#146
and tell me

#148
No. Just checking the time.

#149
[WATCH CLATTERS]

#150
Close your eyes,

#151
keep them closed.

#152
And listen to the soothing

#153
sound of my voice.

#154
The only word

#155
that will bring you out is

#156
"gorilla."

#158
of your own breathing.

#159
[♪♪♪]

#161
to light up a cigarette

#164
Bad tasting food,

#165
sex with men,

#167
and--

#168
Oh, God,

#170
Somebody help me.

#171
Oh! Britta, wake up.

#173
Damn my talents. Aah!

#174
The topic for the debate is,

#175
"Are people inherently good

#176
or evil?"

#177
When do you want

#182
How was hypnotherapy?

#185
to make him feel

#190
♪ Wah-waah ♪

#191
Where's Abed? Need to talk

#192
about his films.

#193
He is prescient.

#194
He can read minds.

#195
[BOTH GASP]

#196
I know what you'll say.

#197
Watched my movies?

#199
Get him.

#200
Not a witch, a student

#201
of human character.

#204
Like, Shirley,

#205
I know you're a sweet,

#212
ABED:

#213
Here, check this out.

#215
Yeah.

#216
Jeff's character acts

#217
like nothing affects him.

#218
Things bother him

#219
more than he lets on.

#221
Gaah!

#222
He's also very vain.

#223
Ridiculous.

#224
ALL:

#225
Ohh.

#226
[TROY'S CHARACTER CRYING]

#231
I hurt my leg. Ah!

#232
[♪♪♪]

#233
What up, happy people?

#235
evil wizard.

#239
demonstrates, man,

#241
will descend

#242
into chaos and evil.

#244
Jeremy Simmons.

#245
[CHEERING]

#246
STUDENTS [CHANTING]:

#247
Jeremy. Jeremy.

#248
Jeremy. Jeremy.

#249
There were 23,000

#250
kidney donations

#251
in America last year.

#252
Man is good.

#254
for a man in a community

#255
is 23 years longer

#256
than a man alone.

#257
Man is good.

#258
And just 10 minutes ago,

#259
a bald, bespectacled man

#260
held the door

#261
for a man in a wheelchair.

#262
Man is good.

#263
Oh. I hate this guy.

#264
By the end of this debate

#265
I will prove

#266
with facts and data

#268
[CHEERING]

#273
with my mother.

#274
JEFF:

#275
This feels so formal.

#276
Let's just talk.

#277
People are evil.

#278
They can't help it.

#279
I didn't catch your name.

#281
Take Jean here.

#282
She spent a lot of time

#283
this morning

#285
Tell me, how many people

#286
told you how great you look?

#288
Man is evil.

#290
But you just said

#291
how great I looked.

#292
For my own selfish purposes.

#293
The fact is,

#294
as hot as you look

#295
and it is quite hot,

#297
When I talk about people

#298
being evil,

#299
I could cite quotes

#300
or dig up statistics,

#301
but those are just words

#302
and numbers.

#303
I think we could have

#304
a little more fun

#306
ALL:

#307
♪ Evil woman ♪

#308
♪ Evil woman ♪

#309
That's my time, everybody.

#310
Thank you very much. Yeah.

#311
[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

#312
At the end of round one.

#313
City College, 50.

#314
Greendale, eight.

#315
[♪♪♪]

#316
JEFF:

#317
I got eight?

#319
She got eight.

#320
You got zero.

#322
Nice work, L.A. Law.

#323
All sizzle, no steak.

#325
I'm doing this

#328
Let's go, boys.

#329
I wanna see some hustlers.

#330
By Zeus.

#333
We reserved the gym

#334
for practice so...

#335
Yup, they reserved it.

#336
Okay,

#338
The debate is suspended

#339
until tomorrow.

#340
Hopefully, by then

#342
COACH:

#344
When are we getting together

#345
to prepare for tomorrow?

#346
Never. Because it's stupid

#347
and I don't care.

#348
Bite me.

#349
Maybe Simmons is right.

#351
and no steak.

#353
What do you mean?

#357
No.

#359
Abed is right,

#360
you act like things

#362
Six months ago

#364
I used to say stuff

#366
Now I'm losing

#369
Hey, Winger.

#370
You like to sing?

#371
I like to sing too.

#372
♪ Zero for Winger ♪

#373
Kick that.

#374
♪ Was a big shot lawyer ♪

#375
♪ Now he's a loser ♪

#376
Lay off. Jeff didn't

#377
understand the rules.

#378
Yeah? What's your excuse,

#379
eight points?

#381
♪ Little Annie Adderall

#388
No, you're right,

#389
my feet are long and stupid.

#390
You can't unring that bell.

#391
Oh, no.

#393
What do you need a paper for?

#395
you Magic Eight Ball.

#396
Pierce hurt his leg.

#397
Britta made Troy cry.

#398
What's my destiny?

#399
Am I gonna die in a car?

#403
feel better,

#406
[SHIRLEY SCREAMING]

#407
Were-- No. Were...

#408
Sorry, is that me being

#409
chased down by a werewolf?

#412
The situation being me

#413
being chased by a werewolf?

#415
And that's Jeff

#416
locking lips with Annie?

#418
You're a fool.

#420
into prisoners and guards.

#422
Ugh!

#425
It's a stress headache.

#428
Get to used to it.

#429
You're knee-deep in it.

#430
This is debate.

#431
If you wanna win,

#432
you need to prepare.

#437
Oh, my gosh.

#438
You're right.

#439
Simmons is so good

#441
to sell his points

#442
and here I am,

#443
like a spinster librarian

#444
with my hair pulled back.

#445
Yeah.

#446
[♪♪♪]

#448
Yeah.

#449
Thanks.

#453
Us kissing?

#455
Totally.

#456
[CHUCKLES]

#458
Yes.

#459
Okay. The--

#461
Oh, we can use

#462
this Hobbes quote.

#463
"Man is a collection of base,

#464
animal urges.

#465
To act on them

#467
would be morally no different

#468
than taking a breath."

#470
Yeah.

#472
Yeah.

#474
Uh-huh.

#475
That way, we can be

#478
Bye. What...

#481
The next time

#482
you even see a cigarette,

#483
you will think of things

#484
that disgust you.

#487
to slightly older men.

#489
with just enough tummy

#490
to love.

#492
Then go back to his hot tub.

#493
You'll invite one

#494
of your friends

#495
to join us for a three-way.

#496
Maybe someone

#497
with low self-esteem

#498
and slightly larger breasts.

#503
I know. I saw you.

#504
What do you think I am?

#505
Some joke?

#508
How dare you pity me.

#509
I may be a little older,

#510
my ideas may seem weird,

#512
but I have a lot to offer

#514
Do not help me up.

#515
And as German poet

#517
"Snow falls

#518
from the heavens pure.

#519
We cannot blame the snow

#521
Man is good.

#522
What? That dude gets it.

#523
Jeff Winger will now offer

#524
a two-minute rebuttal.

#525
Hey, sizzle.

#527
I'm in the mood for Sade.

#528
Okay.

#529
In the Stanford

#530
Prison Experiment,

#531
21 out of 21 students,

#532
when given absolute power,

#533
abused and tortured

#534
their fellow students.

#536
to pure falling snow.

#537
I would respond,

#538
"There is none righteous,

#539
no, not one."

#540
Now, I realize

#541
Mr. Simmons' quote

#542
was from

#543
the great Franz Wickmeyer.

#544
Mine was just from

#545
a simple desert handyman

#546
named Jesus.

#547
[♪♪♪]

#554
Nuclear bombs.

#556
Abu Ghraib.

#558
Double rejoinder.

#560
Organ donors.

#562
Executions.

#563
Ketchup is a vegetable.

#565
Oh, God, did I just say

#566
cross-burner?

#568
Oh, good.

#570
I know, we're so in sync.

#571
We're like a perfect duet

#572
or great se--

#578
They'll need a miracle

#579
to win in rebuttal.

#580
Simmons is finished.

#581
This is too much for me.

#582
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#583
He's going off-book.

#585
doesn't he need cards?

#586
It's a gambit.

#587
[♪♪♪]

#588
[♪♪♪]

#589
[ALL GASP]

#591
Man is good.

#592
[CROWD CHEERING]

#593
Damn.

#595
[JEREMY TUMBLES]

#600
& THE MAGNETIC ZEROS'

#601
"HOME" PLAYING]

#602
Greendale wins.

#603
Huzzah!

#605
Whoo!

#606
God!

#608
♪ Not the way

#609
That I do love you ♪

#610
Simmons got robbed.

#611
They kissed.

#612
You do have powers.

#615
Trust me.

#620
Pierce,

#621
I can't smoke a cigarette

#623
in your hot tub.

#625
Yes.

#627
You're a genius.

#628
Who's the third?

#629
You did great in there.

#630
Let's take

#631
this bacchanalia outside.

#632
Full moon tonight.

#636
Thanks, pal.

#637
Just pat me.

#640
♪ Me llamo T-Bone

#641
La araña discoteca ♪

#643
La biblioteca ♪

#645
El perro, manteca ♪

#647
Cut, cut.

#649
Do you hate this?

#651
Do you?

#653
Just hold on.

#654
[TROY & ABED WHISPERING

#655
INDISTINCTLY]

#656
Just have fun with it.

#657
Take 36.

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