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Season 1, Episode 11 — The Politics of Human Sexuality
#1
[♪♪♪]
#2
I booked a sketch artist,
#3
an improv troupe,
#4
and a laser projecting
#5
a burning pelvis
#8
This isn't
#11
awareness fair.
#13
Annie.
#14
Oh, STD fair, guys.
#15
Catch knowledge.
#16
Mm-mm.
#18
than me?
#20
You stick to quoting movie
#21
lines, I'll stick to sports.
#24
Well, you're not moving
#25
into sports.
#26
You and I are playing
#27
real basketball, right now.
#28
Sounds fun.
#29
No, it doesn't.
#30
And it won't be.
#32
Sorry, not interested
#33
in ignoring your
#34
very important cause.
#35
Hi, I'm Jeff Winger.
#36
Oh, Sabrina is my
#37
new secretary.
#42
Oh, gender saved.
#43
My casual friend
#44
and I
#45
gonna have
#46
a non-romantic breakfast
#47
if you'd like to join us.
#49
Fortune cookie?
#52
to catch a case of
#53
public-health fever.
#57
Because they keep
#58
getting stolen.
#59
Sabrina,
#60
take a note.
#61
I want hidden cameras
#62
in every stall.
#63
Problem solved.
#64
"You will get AIDS."
#66
"Unless you go
#67
to the STD fair."
#68
I wrote that.
#69
Congratu-- Horrible.
#70
See you later.
#71
Catch knowledge.
#73
PLAYING]
#74
♪ I can't count the reasons
#75
I should stay ♪
#76
Jeff,
#78
Okay.
#82
I have a new girlfriend.
#83
She is super-smart,
#84
if you know what I mean.
#87
You know, when you
#88
catch a big fish,
#89
you wanna stuff her
#90
and put her on the mantle.
#92
I doubt it.
#94
Don't gloat.
#95
It's impossible
#96
to guard you.
#97
Your eyes are too
#98
gentle and mysterious.
#102
BOTH: Ooh!
#103
You got that
#104
from "I doubt it"?
#105
Pierce has got
#106
a girlfriend.
#108
She's an escort.
#109
Oh.
#110
Some mysteries
#111
solve themselves.
#113
She doesn't escort me.
#114
No, no.
#116
And I'm taking Doreen
#117
to Annie's mixer tonight.
#119
Catch knowledge.
#120
Taking a call girl
#121
to an STD fair?
#122
There's a joke here.
#123
So, Jeff, dust off that
#124
black book
#125
and rustle up a honey.
#126
Is there a pill that
#130
BOTH:
#131
Ooh.
#132
I'm sure you're right.
#133
BOTH:
#134
Ooh.
#137
Jeff,
#138
for your feather flashing,
#139
when was the last time
#140
you scored?
#143
So there's no receipt.
#145
Ehh.
#146
Oh, come on.
#147
You shouldn't take pot shots
#148
at some woman
#149
just because you can't
#150
get a date.
#151
I can get dates
#152
any time I want.
#154
No, this is.
#155
"Don't eat the crab dip."
#156
Yeah.
#157
[♪♪♪]
#158
Ahh! You hear that,
#159
Annie?
#160
That's the sound
#161
of STDs screaming,
#163
"No. Stop being
#164
so aware of us."
#165
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
#166
And it's all thanks to you.
#169
Well, in recognition
#170
of all your hard work,
#171
I have decided that
#172
you should conduct
#173
the condom demonstration.
#174
You're gonna be center stage
#175
showing everyone
#176
how to put a condom
#177
on a, uh--
#178
Well, what my dad called
#179
a Jimmy Carter.
#180
Um, I don't know
#182
Don't worry.
#183
Not a real one.
#184
No, it's an anatomically
#185
correct model, you know.
#186
But trust me, eyes closed,
#188
Mmm. Okay.
#189
[WHIMPERS]
#190
[♪♪♪]
#191
[LINE RINGING]
#192
Hey, it's Jeff Winger.
#193
Well, I wanted to see
#195
Do I know your name?
#197
Of course I know.
#198
Well, if I answer now,
#199
you'll never learn
#201
Jennifer.
#202
Crap. Ugh.
#203
Pierce really
#204
got to you, huh?
#205
It has been a dry spell.
#208
Yeah, I can see that.
#210
"Car Wash Redhead."
#211
"Tube Top R.E.M. Concert."
#212
"Juror Number 6."
#213
That sounds aboveboard.
#216
Dude, not cool.
#217
You saying "dude"
#218
is not cool.
#219
What are you doing?
#221
[BRITTA CHUCKLES]
#223
You're welcome.
#224
This is the phone book
#225
of a man in his 20s.
#226
The women literally
#227
have no identities.
#228
It's pretty shallow.
#229
You're right.
#230
I can't believe I haven't
#231
seen it before now.
#232
Whatever. I'm gonna go
#233
study with Shirley.
#234
Well, I'll be here,
#235
rethinking my way of life.
#236
Mm.
#237
[♪♪♪]
#238
Call "Mommy."
#239
Guys, I have a problem.
#248
Well,
#250
Do you have a banana?
#252
model I'll be handling.
#253
Real whatchamacallits
#254
are nothing like bananas.
#255
Are they?
#257
Shh!
#258
Annie, being a virgin
#259
in this day and age
#260
is something to be proud of.
#261
You're like a unicorn.
#265
We did it
#267
on the floor
#270
look at it.
#272
He's gay now.
#273
[WHISPERS]
#274
He was gay then.
#275
So you never seen one
#276
when you were growing up?
#277
Like, on the Internet, in a
#278
picture, or Harvey Keitel's?
#282
on the actual model.
#283
But the dean has
#284
it locked in his office.
#287
No. I--
#291
and get it over with.
#293
and I want him to know
#297
I have no problem
#298
with that.
#299
BRITTA:
#300
I think I could do that.
#301
[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING
#302
OVER SPEAKERS]
#304
Hi, Pierce.
#305
I was just going
#306
into the fair
#307
to wait for my
#308
smoking-hot date.
#310
How about you?
#311
Uh, were you ever able to,
#313
No, no,
#315
because taking a date
#317
Don't worry about it,
#318
kid.
#319
What you're going through
#320
is a dry spell.
#321
From my experience,
#322
they don't last any more
#323
than 12, 13 years.
#324
Excuse me.
#335
Yes, on single.
#336
She likes hip-hop and horses.
#337
Dislikes beards--
#338
I was done talking.
#339
Is it me or are horses
#340
the most beautiful creatures?
#342
Totally.
#347
Do you own a horse?
#348
Can you ever really
#349
own a horse?
#351
Yeah?
#352
This is Sabrina.
#353
Thirty seconds
#354
after you walked away,
#355
I asked her to be my date
#356
and she said yes.
#357
You must have a great
#358
personality.
#359
Thank you.
#360
Jeff, you proved me wrong.
#361
You got a girl.
#363
Oh.
#364
This is Doreen.
#366
Yes, I am.
#367
Wait, how'd you do that?
#368
[♪♪♪]
#369
Is this the best safe-sex
#370
fair or what?
#371
Check out these condoms.
#372
All along the side
#373
it says, "Greendale!"
#374
Exclamation point,
#375
my idea.
#376
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
#377
Wow. Me,
#378
in a dune buggy,
#379
with syphilis.
#382
Doreen is tonight.
#383
Hey, can we--?
#385
for the evening.
#386
You wingman me,
#387
I wingman you.
#388
Maybe we split up
#389
for a little hoo-ha
#391
for eggs and details.
#392
That sounds like the worst
#393
combination plate ever.
#395
Argh!
#396
I can't believe
#397
you beat me again.
#398
Do you want
#399
my stuffed animal?
#400
We're arm wrestling.
#401
[GRUNTS]
#404
The rules are, "You suck."
#405
Let's go.
#406
I wanna wait for a more
#407
inspiring song.
#408
This score isn't right.
#409
There we go.
#410
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
#411
OVER SPEAKERS]
#412
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
#413
[YELLING]
#414
Oh, my God.
#415
You broke my hand,
#416
you bastard.
#417
[♪♪♪]
#418
I can't do anything
#419
with this.
#423
[BRITTA AND ANNIE GASP]
#424
SHIRLEY:
#425
Oh, yeah, thar she blows.
#426
I wanna see, I wanna see.
#428
Go ahead.
#432
It's okay.
#433
Oh, boy.
#434
Oh, I had it wrong.
#435
Is that considered large?
#437
Yes.
#438
What in the reverse Porky's
#439
is going on here?
#440
You know, Doreen
#441
speaks six languages.
#442
You should hear her
#443
order wine in French.
#444
Hey, honey, say,
#445
"Cabernet sauvigonenon."
#447
You know a lot
#448
about wine?
#453
Honey, you're boring
#454
the crap out of Jeff.
#455
Be right back.
#456
I have to make tinkles.
#457
Well, then, I'm gonna go
#458
get us another round.
#459
You know,
#460
you are not what I expected.
#463
They're in the shop.
#464
You know,
#465
despite what people think,
#466
I actually spend
#467
most of my time talking.
#469
spend time with someone
#470
they can have a real
#471
conversation with.
#472
That is going to suck.
#473
"Going to," Jeff?
#474
Come on, Sabrina's cute,
#475
but she thinks that
#476
Monty Python
#477
is the evil snake
#478
from Harry Potter.
#479
Trust me,
#481
who are way more annoying.
#482
I will take "tinkles"
#483
over
#484
"we need to talk" every time.
#485
Hey, babe.
#486
Ready to show me
#487
that Lexus?
#489
Doreen,
#490
it was very nice
#491
to meet you.
#493
Here.
#494
Oh, they already left?
#495
What a couple of nincompoops.
#496
Uh, before I buy dinner,
#497
I have to ask.
#498
Is there any lovemaking
#499
on the table?
#507
200 bucks.
#508
That is a pretty
#509
big discount.
#510
♪ In the middle
#511
Of the darkest night ♪
#512
♪ I see a light shining ♪
#513
♪ Right into your eyes ♪
#514
♪ I lose control
#515
Again and again ♪
#516
I had no idea alcohol
#517
would make people horny.
#518
It makes me sleepy.
#519
I don't--
#521
Yeah.
#524
597? There's a dog-fighting
#525
ring in my office?
#526
No.
#527
I'm gonna turn him around
#529
Okay, ladies,
#530
I am shocked
#534
I don't see
#535
what the big deal is.
#536
Annie needed to look
#537
at the model of the pen--
#538
Okay, the P-word
#544
record, to ensure
#545
we discuss
#548
manner.
#549
I think everyone
#550
should say "penis"
#551
so we can take away
#553
Yeah? So everybody.
#561
who won't say "penis."
#562
[♪♪♪]
#564
so express yourself.
#565
You know what?
#566
I don't want
#567
to express myself.
#568
I don't wanna sit
#569
in a room full of people
#570
and say...
#571
the P-word.
#572
I like being repressed.
#573
I am totally comfortable
#574
being uncomfortable
#575
with my sexuality.
#576
And maybe, just maybe,
#577
if everyone were
#578
a little more like me,
#579
we wouldn't have
#580
to have an STD fair.
#583
Mm-hm.
#587
was about.
#589
Whoop-dee-doo!
#590
[DOOR OPENS
#591
THEN CLOSES]
#592
[♪♪♪]
#593
[SABRINA GASPS AND MOANS]
#594
[PHONE VIBRATES]
#595
You have a really
#596
awesome body.
#597
You probably hear that
#598
all the time.
#599
Not as much
#600
as I should.
#601
[SABRINA MOANS]
#602
Professor.
#603
What?
#605
But you're at Greendale
#606
and you're old.
#607
I'm a student.
#608
Yikers.
#611
Well, I guess I can make
#612
an exception, professor.
#613
[MOANS]
#614
You know,
#615
I can't do this.
#616
What?
#617
But this is your car.
#618
Keep it.
#619
But--
#620
[♪♪♪]
#621
Yes, yes, yes.
#622
Yes! How do you like
#623
those apples?
#628
Troy.
#629
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING
#630
OVER SPEAKERS]
#634
Shut up, Ben.
#635
MAN:
#637
[ALL LAUGHING]
#639
Dude,
#640
these are leaking.
#641
[LAUGHING]
#642
CHANG:
#643
Oh, my God.
#644
That's why you don't
#645
print things on condoms.
#648
[♪♪♪]
#649
Oh, man.
#650
Troy,
#654
and make an announcement
#655
before everyone leaves.
#656
Dean, I am not the best
#657
athlete on campus.
#658
Abed is.
#659
I know you let me win
#660
the race.
#662
That's because...
#663
I wanted it to be true.
#665
No, Abed.
#667
For the love of God, run!
#668
Okay.
#669
TROY:
#670
Go, Abed, go.
#671
Before people
#672
sex one another.
#673
[CROWD CHATTERING]
#674
There he is.
#675
Back already.
#676
Detail time?
#677
I stopped.
#680
I think this place
#682
Oh, it's not Greendale,
#683
Jeff, it's you.
#684
You're becoming more mature.
#685
A man reaches a point
#686
in his life
#687
where he stops looking for
#688
a place to hang his underwear
#689
and starts looking
#690
for a place to hang his hat.
#691
Oh, I'm sorry.
#693
inappropriate or racist.
#696
Oh, uh,
#697
she said if I wanted to
#698
continue, I'd have to pay.
#699
Oh, man,
#700
that is rough.
#701
No, it was
#702
a wake-up call.
#703
Doreen is a special lady.
#704
I did not treat her right.
#705
I have stuff to work on,
#706
you know?
#707
You'll get there.
#708
We're both gonna get there.
#709
Here's to being better men.
#710
Cheers.
#711
So can I borrow 200 bucks?
#713
You know, for 220,
#714
I can get--
#717
Now I can get it twice.
#718
Ah, college.
#719
Best years of our lives.
#720
[THE FRATELLIS'
#722
Oop.
#723
♪ So if you're lonely ♪
#724
♪ Why'd you say
#725
You're not lonely ♪
#726
♪ Oh, you're a silly girl ♪
#727
♪ I know I hurt you so ♪
#728
♪ It's just like you
#729
To come and go ♪
#730
♪ And know me... ♪
#731
ABED [OVER PA]:
#733
Don't use the condoms.
#734
If you're going to have sex
#735
tonight, don't use condoms.
#736
[ABED PANTING]
#737
♪ A girl like
#738
You's just irresistible ♪
#740
to donate or accept a proton
#741
"cannot be quantified
#742
for individual species.
#743
"Comparing two
#744
donor-acceptor systems,
#745
the proton transposition
#746
HA plus H2O..."
#748
Yeah, Troy?
#750
of water?
#751
Mm, Sure.
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