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Season 1, Episode 11 — The Politics of Human Sexuality

#1
[♪♪♪]

#2
I booked a sketch artist,

#3
an improv troupe,

#4
and a laser projecting

#5
a burning pelvis

#8
This isn't

#11
awareness fair.

#13
Annie.

#14
Oh, STD fair, guys.

#15
Catch knowledge.

#16
Mm-mm.

#18
than me?

#20
You stick to quoting movie

#21
lines, I'll stick to sports.

#24
Well, you're not moving

#25
into sports.

#26
You and I are playing

#27
real basketball, right now.

#28
Sounds fun.

#29
No, it doesn't.

#30
And it won't be.

#32
Sorry, not interested

#33
in ignoring your

#34
very important cause.

#35
Hi, I'm Jeff Winger.

#36
Oh, Sabrina is my

#37
new secretary.

#42
Oh, gender saved.

#43
My casual friend

#44
and I

#45
gonna have

#46
a non-romantic breakfast

#47
if you'd like to join us.

#49
Fortune cookie?

#52
to catch a case of

#53
public-health fever.

#57
Because they keep

#58
getting stolen.

#59
Sabrina,

#60
take a note.

#61
I want hidden cameras

#62
in every stall.

#63
Problem solved.

#64
"You will get AIDS."

#66
"Unless you go

#67
to the STD fair."

#68
I wrote that.

#69
Congratu-- Horrible.

#70
See you later.

#71
Catch knowledge.

#73
PLAYING]

#74
♪ I can't count the reasons

#75
I should stay ♪

#76
Jeff,

#78
Okay.

#82
I have a new girlfriend.

#83
She is super-smart,

#84
if you know what I mean.

#87
You know, when you

#88
catch a big fish,

#89
you wanna stuff her

#90
and put her on the mantle.

#92
I doubt it.

#94
Don't gloat.

#95
It's impossible

#96
to guard you.

#97
Your eyes are too

#98
gentle and mysterious.

#102
BOTH: Ooh!

#103
You got that

#104
from "I doubt it"?

#105
Pierce has got

#106
a girlfriend.

#108
She's an escort.

#109
Oh.

#110
Some mysteries

#111
solve themselves.

#113
She doesn't escort me.

#114
No, no.

#116
And I'm taking Doreen

#117
to Annie's mixer tonight.

#119
Catch knowledge.

#120
Taking a call girl

#121
to an STD fair?

#122
There's a joke here.

#123
So, Jeff, dust off that

#124
black book

#125
and rustle up a honey.

#126
Is there a pill that

#130
BOTH:

#131
Ooh.

#132
I'm sure you're right.

#133
BOTH:

#134
Ooh.

#137
Jeff,

#138
for your feather flashing,

#139
when was the last time

#140
you scored?

#143
So there's no receipt.

#145
Ehh.

#146
Oh, come on.

#147
You shouldn't take pot shots

#148
at some woman

#149
just because you can't

#150
get a date.

#151
I can get dates

#152
any time I want.

#154
No, this is.

#155
"Don't eat the crab dip."

#156
Yeah.

#157
[♪♪♪]

#158
Ahh! You hear that,

#159
Annie?

#160
That's the sound

#161
of STDs screaming,

#163
"No. Stop being

#164
so aware of us."

#165
[IN NORMAL VOICE]

#166
And it's all thanks to you.

#169
Well, in recognition

#170
of all your hard work,

#171
I have decided that

#172
you should conduct

#173
the condom demonstration.

#174
You're gonna be center stage

#175
showing everyone

#176
how to put a condom

#177
on a, uh--

#178
Well, what my dad called

#179
a Jimmy Carter.

#180
Um, I don't know

#182
Don't worry.

#183
Not a real one.

#184
No, it's an anatomically

#185
correct model, you know.

#186
But trust me, eyes closed,

#188
Mmm. Okay.

#189
[WHIMPERS]

#190
[♪♪♪]

#191
[LINE RINGING]

#192
Hey, it's Jeff Winger.

#193
Well, I wanted to see

#195
Do I know your name?

#197
Of course I know.

#198
Well, if I answer now,

#199
you'll never learn

#201
Jennifer.

#202
Crap. Ugh.

#203
Pierce really

#204
got to you, huh?

#205
It has been a dry spell.

#208
Yeah, I can see that.

#210
"Car Wash Redhead."

#211
"Tube Top R.E.M. Concert."

#212
"Juror Number 6."

#213
That sounds aboveboard.

#216
Dude, not cool.

#217
You saying "dude"

#218
is not cool.

#219
What are you doing?

#221
[BRITTA CHUCKLES]

#223
You're welcome.

#224
This is the phone book

#225
of a man in his 20s.

#226
The women literally

#227
have no identities.

#228
It's pretty shallow.

#229
You're right.

#230
I can't believe I haven't

#231
seen it before now.

#232
Whatever. I'm gonna go

#233
study with Shirley.

#234
Well, I'll be here,

#235
rethinking my way of life.

#236
Mm.

#237
[♪♪♪]

#238
Call "Mommy."

#239
Guys, I have a problem.

#248
Well,

#250
Do you have a banana?

#252
model I'll be handling.

#253
Real whatchamacallits

#254
are nothing like bananas.

#255
Are they?

#257
Shh!

#258
Annie, being a virgin

#259
in this day and age

#260
is something to be proud of.

#261
You're like a unicorn.

#265
We did it

#267
on the floor

#270
look at it.

#272
He's gay now.

#273
[WHISPERS]

#274
He was gay then.

#275
So you never seen one

#276
when you were growing up?

#277
Like, on the Internet, in a

#278
picture, or Harvey Keitel's?

#282
on the actual model.

#283
But the dean has

#284
it locked in his office.

#287
No. I--

#291
and get it over with.

#293
and I want him to know

#297
I have no problem

#298
with that.

#299
BRITTA:

#300
I think I could do that.

#301
[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING

#302
OVER SPEAKERS]

#304
Hi, Pierce.

#305
I was just going

#306
into the fair

#307
to wait for my

#308
smoking-hot date.

#310
How about you?

#311
Uh, were you ever able to,

#313
No, no,

#315
because taking a date

#317
Don't worry about it,

#318
kid.

#319
What you're going through

#320
is a dry spell.

#321
From my experience,

#322
they don't last any more

#323
than 12, 13 years.

#324
Excuse me.

#335
Yes, on single.

#336
She likes hip-hop and horses.

#337
Dislikes beards--

#338
I was done talking.

#339
Is it me or are horses

#340
the most beautiful creatures?

#342
Totally.

#347
Do you own a horse?

#348
Can you ever really

#349
own a horse?

#351
Yeah?

#352
This is Sabrina.

#353
Thirty seconds

#354
after you walked away,

#355
I asked her to be my date

#356
and she said yes.

#357
You must have a great

#358
personality.

#359
Thank you.

#360
Jeff, you proved me wrong.

#361
You got a girl.

#363
Oh.

#364
This is Doreen.

#366
Yes, I am.

#367
Wait, how'd you do that?

#368
[♪♪♪]

#369
Is this the best safe-sex

#370
fair or what?

#371
Check out these condoms.

#372
All along the side

#373
it says, "Greendale!"

#374
Exclamation point,

#375
my idea.

#376
[BOTH CHUCKLING]

#377
Wow. Me,

#378
in a dune buggy,

#379
with syphilis.

#382
Doreen is tonight.

#383
Hey, can we--?

#385
for the evening.

#386
You wingman me,

#387
I wingman you.

#388
Maybe we split up

#389
for a little hoo-ha

#391
for eggs and details.

#392
That sounds like the worst

#393
combination plate ever.

#395
Argh!

#396
I can't believe

#397
you beat me again.

#398
Do you want

#399
my stuffed animal?

#400
We're arm wrestling.

#401
[GRUNTS]

#404
The rules are, "You suck."

#405
Let's go.

#406
I wanna wait for a more

#407
inspiring song.

#408
This score isn't right.

#409
There we go.

#410
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING

#411
OVER SPEAKERS]

#412
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

#413
[YELLING]

#414
Oh, my God.

#415
You broke my hand,

#416
you bastard.

#417
[♪♪♪]

#418
I can't do anything

#419
with this.

#423
[BRITTA AND ANNIE GASP]

#424
SHIRLEY:

#425
Oh, yeah, thar she blows.

#426
I wanna see, I wanna see.

#428
Go ahead.

#432
It's okay.

#433
Oh, boy.

#434
Oh, I had it wrong.

#435
Is that considered large?

#437
Yes.

#438
What in the reverse Porky's

#439
is going on here?

#440
You know, Doreen

#441
speaks six languages.

#442
You should hear her

#443
order wine in French.

#444
Hey, honey, say,

#445
"Cabernet sauvigonenon."

#447
You know a lot

#448
about wine?

#453
Honey, you're boring

#454
the crap out of Jeff.

#455
Be right back.

#456
I have to make tinkles.

#457
Well, then, I'm gonna go

#458
get us another round.

#459
You know,

#460
you are not what I expected.

#463
They're in the shop.

#464
You know,

#465
despite what people think,

#466
I actually spend

#467
most of my time talking.

#469
spend time with someone

#470
they can have a real

#471
conversation with.

#472
That is going to suck.

#473
"Going to," Jeff?

#474
Come on, Sabrina's cute,

#475
but she thinks that

#476
Monty Python

#477
is the evil snake

#478
from Harry Potter.

#479
Trust me,

#481
who are way more annoying.

#482
I will take "tinkles"

#483
over

#484
"we need to talk" every time.

#485
Hey, babe.

#486
Ready to show me

#487
that Lexus?

#489
Doreen,

#490
it was very nice

#491
to meet you.

#493
Here.

#494
Oh, they already left?

#495
What a couple of nincompoops.

#496
Uh, before I buy dinner,

#497
I have to ask.

#498
Is there any lovemaking

#499
on the table?

#507
200 bucks.

#508
That is a pretty

#509
big discount.

#510
♪ In the middle

#511
Of the darkest night ♪

#512
♪ I see a light shining ♪

#513
♪ Right into your eyes ♪

#514
♪ I lose control

#515
Again and again ♪

#516
I had no idea alcohol

#517
would make people horny.

#518
It makes me sleepy.

#519
I don't--

#521
Yeah.

#524
597? There's a dog-fighting

#525
ring in my office?

#526
No.

#527
I'm gonna turn him around

#529
Okay, ladies,

#530
I am shocked

#534
I don't see

#535
what the big deal is.

#536
Annie needed to look

#537
at the model of the pen--

#538
Okay, the P-word

#544
record, to ensure

#545
we discuss

#548
manner.

#549
I think everyone

#550
should say "penis"

#551
so we can take away

#553
Yeah? So everybody.

#561
who won't say "penis."

#562
[♪♪♪]

#564
so express yourself.

#565
You know what?

#566
I don't want

#567
to express myself.

#568
I don't wanna sit

#569
in a room full of people

#570
and say...

#571
the P-word.

#572
I like being repressed.

#573
I am totally comfortable

#574
being uncomfortable

#575
with my sexuality.

#576
And maybe, just maybe,

#577
if everyone were

#578
a little more like me,

#579
we wouldn't have

#580
to have an STD fair.

#583
Mm-hm.

#587
was about.

#589
Whoop-dee-doo!

#590
[DOOR OPENS

#591
THEN CLOSES]

#592
[♪♪♪]

#593
[SABRINA GASPS AND MOANS]

#594
[PHONE VIBRATES]

#595
You have a really

#596
awesome body.

#597
You probably hear that

#598
all the time.

#599
Not as much

#600
as I should.

#601
[SABRINA MOANS]

#602
Professor.

#603
What?

#605
But you're at Greendale

#606
and you're old.

#607
I'm a student.

#608
Yikers.

#611
Well, I guess I can make

#612
an exception, professor.

#613
[MOANS]

#614
You know,

#615
I can't do this.

#616
What?

#617
But this is your car.

#618
Keep it.

#619
But--

#620
[♪♪♪]

#621
Yes, yes, yes.

#622
Yes! How do you like

#623
those apples?

#628
Troy.

#629
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING

#630
OVER SPEAKERS]

#634
Shut up, Ben.

#635
MAN:

#637
[ALL LAUGHING]

#639
Dude,

#640
these are leaking.

#641
[LAUGHING]

#642
CHANG:

#643
Oh, my God.

#644
That's why you don't

#645
print things on condoms.

#648
[♪♪♪]

#649
Oh, man.

#650
Troy,

#654
and make an announcement

#655
before everyone leaves.

#656
Dean, I am not the best

#657
athlete on campus.

#658
Abed is.

#659
I know you let me win

#660
the race.

#662
That's because...

#663
I wanted it to be true.

#665
No, Abed.

#667
For the love of God, run!

#668
Okay.

#669
TROY:

#670
Go, Abed, go.

#671
Before people

#672
sex one another.

#673
[CROWD CHATTERING]

#674
There he is.

#675
Back already.

#676
Detail time?

#677
I stopped.

#680
I think this place

#682
Oh, it's not Greendale,

#683
Jeff, it's you.

#684
You're becoming more mature.

#685
A man reaches a point

#686
in his life

#687
where he stops looking for

#688
a place to hang his underwear

#689
and starts looking

#690
for a place to hang his hat.

#691
Oh, I'm sorry.

#693
inappropriate or racist.

#696
Oh, uh,

#697
she said if I wanted to

#698
continue, I'd have to pay.

#699
Oh, man,

#700
that is rough.

#701
No, it was

#702
a wake-up call.

#703
Doreen is a special lady.

#704
I did not treat her right.

#705
I have stuff to work on,

#706
you know?

#707
You'll get there.

#708
We're both gonna get there.

#709
Here's to being better men.

#710
Cheers.

#711
So can I borrow 200 bucks?

#713
You know, for 220,

#714
I can get--

#717
Now I can get it twice.

#718
Ah, college.

#719
Best years of our lives.

#720
[THE FRATELLIS'

#722
Oop.

#723
♪ So if you're lonely ♪

#724
♪ Why'd you say

#725
You're not lonely ♪

#726
♪ Oh, you're a silly girl ♪

#727
♪ I know I hurt you so ♪

#728
♪ It's just like you

#729
To come and go ♪

#730
♪ And know me... ♪

#731
ABED [OVER PA]:

#733
Don't use the condoms.

#734
If you're going to have sex

#735
tonight, don't use condoms.

#736
[ABED PANTING]

#737
♪ A girl like

#738
You's just irresistible ♪

#740
to donate or accept a proton

#741
"cannot be quantified

#742
for individual species.

#743
"Comparing two

#744
donor-acceptor systems,

#745
the proton transposition

#746
HA plus H2O..."

#748
Yeah, Troy?

#750
of water?

#751
Mm, Sure.

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