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Season 1, Episode 12 — Comparative Religion

#2
Happy last day before

#3
winter break.

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Some of you will travel

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as far as three miles.

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Don't forget to visit our

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winter wonderland,

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where we're giving away

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catalogues

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Mr. Winter

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is on his way

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[GRUNTS]

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[CHUCKLING]

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PCness. Now I get it.

#34
Well, it's still Christmas

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to all of us.

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And I made you all

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a little gift,

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because you're like

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my new family.

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If that stands for

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"What would Billy Joel do?"

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I'll tell you right now,

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Oh, well,

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thank you, Shirley.

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closest to my heart.

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you put them on.

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Everybody put them on.

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[♪♪♪]

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Hey. Hey.

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You took all

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the Winter-Doodles.

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What are you, a douche bag?

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I have a tree-nut allergy.

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Stay away from

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Ha-ha-ha! That did not

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even make allergic sense.

#74
What are you, an idiot?

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Oh, look at that.

#79
Pretty boy,

#80
standing up for bird-face

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over here.

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Give me a Winter-Doodle.

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by its name.

#86
Oh, you're funny,

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you're a funny man.

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Wanna hear

#89
something funny?

#90
Knock, knock.

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My fist up your balls.

#92
Who's there?

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PELTON:

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Ho, ho, ho!

#95
Merry happy.

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This ain't over.

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[♪♪♪]

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Still waiting on

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those cookies, Abed.

#103
PLAYING]

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♪ Give me some more

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Time in a dream ♪

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♪ Give me the hope

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To run out of steam ♪

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♪ Somebody said

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It can be here ♪

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♪ We could be roped up

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Tied up dead in a year ♪

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♪ I can't count the reasons

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I should stay ♪

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♪ One by one they all

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Just fade away ♪

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Jeff protected my honor.

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It was like My Bodyguard,

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but I was the kid

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from Meatballs,

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Jeff was from

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Full Metal Jacket,

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of the guy in Entourage.

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I'm over 23.

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I'm proud of you for

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boy. Heh-heh-heh.

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Let's see them.

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Nonsense. Men were wired

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to fight each other

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so women could choose

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the right mate.

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No, the real reason

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men fight is to release

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their pent-up gayness.

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That guy wasn't gay,

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he had a mustache.

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Are we cramming

#150
for Spanish or not?

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I need a 65

#153
[GASPS]

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credit if you knew

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[WHISPERS]

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that you were failing?

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Quick question.

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Are you all coming to my

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or are you stopping home

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to change into

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your Christmas outfits?

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[♪♪♪]

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I guess I could wear

#170
Ah. Annie, I didn't know

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Yep, one might

#173
even say I'm Jewish.

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Oh, that's good for you.

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That's wonderful.

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I respect all religions

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of the world.

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Jehovah's Witness.

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The Lord is testing me.

#183
conflict, can we please--?

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I'm agnostic.

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[ALL BOOING]

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Oh!

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in my friend's hot tub.

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in my Buddhist community.

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That does not sound like

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Buddhism.

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You sure

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you're not in a cult?

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Just by asking me

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that question,

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you put me back down

#202
to a level four.

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You now owe me

#204
2000 Energon Cubes.

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Do you know how foolish

#206
you sound right now?

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What else do you believe in,

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blood transfusions?

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of Christian, right, Troy?

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Yeah, but we don't celebrate

#212
birthdays or Christmas,

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and we can't drink.

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But it helps.

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You're like a Muslim.

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Assalamu alaikum.

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Shama-lama-ding-dong.

#218
Well, don't we have

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a diverse little family.

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to all faiths.

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I brought

#223
my Star of Bethlehem,

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which led the wise men

#226
And you guys can bring

#227
a little trinket

#228
or doodad from your

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philosophies. Sounds good?

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As an agnostic, I'm gonna

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bring my winning smile.

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[ALL GROANING]

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[♪♪♪]

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Ugh! So boring.

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Done. Hee, hee!

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Feliz navidad.

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"True or falso

#238
or none of the above?"

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[CHUCKLING]

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Hey, look at that,

#242
Forehead's taking a test.

#243
Why don't you get going,

#244
Chuck Norris?

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Did you just shoo me?

#247
already?

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down your throat.

#250
Señor Chang, can you do

#251
something about this?

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I'll allow it.

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Qué pasa here, huh?

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It's usted, dude.

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Even I know that.

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[LAUGHING]

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It's on.

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He's doing this for me.

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He's my bodyguard.

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To some show tunes?

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Three o'clock.

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where they're building

#279
the wheelchair ramp.

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Best exam ever.

#282
[LAUGHING]

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That guy's awesome.

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[♪♪♪]

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So help me, if that

#286
jerkweed made me fail.

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Well, I aced it, amigo.

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That means cousin.

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Uh, maybe you should

#293
just hang back.

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Shirley about the fight.

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No.

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because it gets me chicks.

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He used to be a nerd,

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now he's a meathead.

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Dangerous combo.

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Tyson, Lou Ferrigno,

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Rosie O'Donnell.

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You're a pretty big dude.

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You've probably got moves.

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Yeah, I got some theories.

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Technically, no.

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I guess I'm too charming

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Mm.

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been punched in the face?

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No, thank God.

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This is the moneymaker.

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But then I was like,

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"This is a story."

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Yeah.

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Every man should be

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punched in the face.

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It's a rite of passage.

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In my day, Friday night was

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smoke a doobie,

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feel up a gal

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and then get your teeth

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knocked out

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by a Republican.

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We have to teach Jeffrey

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how to fight.

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I know a few moves.

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Troy, I assume you're

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handy with a switchblade.

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try to find a chicken

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for Jeff to chase.

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Guys, I appreciate

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the enthusiasm,

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but I think I got this.

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MIKE:

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Oh, well, look who it is.

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We got Forehead, Old Head,

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See you at 3, Forehead.

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[♪♪♪]

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Give me a snowman, dork.

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See this, funny guy? Huh?

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[STUDENTS GASP]

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[LAUGHING]

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Huh?

#365
Classic Rosie.

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Fight lessons

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in a half an hour?

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Good plan.

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♪ Joy to the world

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The Lord is come ♪

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Hello.

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Oh! Is this your

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Hanukkah holder?

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It's, uh-- It's pretty.

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We'll just, uh--

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Let's just put it here.

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There we go.

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That's nice.

#380
So I can't believe

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I'd say the whole word

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next time.

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So do you think everyone

#385
will start arriving soon?

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I think they're gonna come

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after Jeff's fight.

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After Jeff's what, now?

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[♪♪♪]

#391
On Christmas?

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Can you finish

#395
the manger scene?

#397
What's up? What's up?

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What's up?

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he does not.

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Then you give them

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Oh, that's pretty good.

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Hold it. Then,

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I'm sick and tired of you

#417
In boxing, you fight for

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the purse and a belt.

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I've gotta write a paper

#420
about that.

#421
Let's see what

#422
we're working with.

#423
Go ahead,

#424
throw a few at the old paws.

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What are you?

#427
A North Korean seamstress?

#429
Get mad, come on!

#430
If it helps, think of me

#431
as somebody who annoys you.

#432
[GRUNTS]

#433
That's it. That's good.

#434
Britta,

#435
put your blouse back on.

#436
Ohh! Ow!

#437
This is not a game.

#439
Dude, that is not cool.

#440
Well, that foxy black girl

#441
thinks it is.

#442
Hm? Aah!

#445
What is going on?

#449
I couldn't think

#450
of another word.

#451
Idiot.

#452
He meant we were figh...

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...ting. It is hard to

#454
think of another word.

#457
to the most important day

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of the year.

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It's our Christmas.

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And I'm having a party.

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Due to my divorce,

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party I throw this year.

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Will you be there

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letting me down?

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I told him not to fight.

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He wouldn't listen.

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I don't know

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what that is.

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Jeffrey, I have two boys.

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And when we have

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a serious discussion,

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I find that a brownie

#477
helps them to relax.

#478
So why do you

#479
hate me and Jesus?

#480
I don't think

#482
Don't do something so ugly

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You think religion is stupid.

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Jeffrey, I forbid you

#499
from fighting.

#500
[♪♪♪]

#503
You're right, but if you

#504
show up for the fight,

#507
don't be mad.

#508
I'm not mad,

#509
I'm disappointed.

#510
That's Mom for mad.

#511
[♪♪♪]

#513
Oh, hash browns

#516
smell?

#519
Looks delicious.

#520
I'm guessing as a woman

#522
That's too bad.

#523
Oh, look, Britta brought

#524
what she believes in.

#525
Nothing.

#526
Where should I put

#527
my Buddha incense holder?

#528
I'm pretty sure

#529
that's a bong.

#530
Where's Jeff?

#531
I guess he made his choice.

#533
As I told Jeff,

#535
can come to my party.

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He's dead to me.

#537
And if any of you leave

#538
you'll be dead to me too.

#539
Let's sing.

#541
♪ Jesus is a friend of mine ♪

#542
Everybody.

#544
Come on, everybody.

#545
You don't know it?

#546
You're banning Jeff

#547
from the party?

#548
That doesn't seem

#549
very Christian.

#551
point of view

#552
coming from an atheist.

#553
I did my best to create

#554
a special Christmas

#555
for my one intact family.

#556
And, ahem,

#557
this is the thanks I get?

#558
Shirley, you are

#559
a guilt machine.

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Say the whole word.

#563
Jewie?

#564
You would never catch

#565
a Jehovah's Witness

#566
saying "Jewie."

#568
you never got.

#569
You know, there's an

#570
old Buddhist saying--

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You are not a Buddhist,

#572
you are in a cult.

#573
Suck it, Nietzsche.

#577
Guys, guys.

#578
Guys, guys,

#580
divide us like this?

#581
I think there's one thing

#582
we can all agree on.

#584
No, that we would all like

#585
to have Jeff at this party.

#587
BRITTA: Shirley.

#588
I get that this is

#589
your first Christmas

#591
And I don't know,

#592
maybe that's why

#593
you're being so stubborn,

#595
to recreate something

#596
that you're afraid

#597
that you've lost forever.

#598
But if you really want us

#599
to be your second family,

#600
then you've gotta start

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treating us like one.

#602
Even if that means

#603
supporting us

#604
when we do things

#605
that you don't agree with.

#606
And you can start

#607
by rooting for Jeff

#610
That's what I'm gonna do.

#611
[♪♪♪]

#612
The cranberry sauce

#613
has real cranberries.

#618
[♪♪♪]

#620
Oh, check him out. Ohh!

#621
What's up, dude?

#622
No backup today, huh?

#624
couldn't show up.

#625
Can I ask you a question?

#627
to the gym?

#628
Dude, my life is a gym.

#630
What's up, man?

#632
What's up? What's up?

#633
ALL:

#634
What's up? What's up?

#635
Whoa.

#640
All right.

#641
Dude, you wear a bracelet?

#644
So?

#646
I have a friend that believes

#647
this is the time of year

#648
where you put aside your

#649
differences and make peace.

#650
Me? I don't believe

#651
in any of that,

#652
but I do believe

#653
in friendship.

#654
And as much as I hate you

#655
and the cast of Breakin',

#656
I have to ask myself,

#657
what would Shirley do?

#658
[GRUNTS]

#660
What would Shirley do?

#661
I think that she would

#662
shake your hand

#665
[MIKE LAUGHS]

#666
Jeffrey.

#667
Kick his ass.

#668
Cavalry's here.

#669
Shirts off, boys.

#670
Come on,

#671
I'm being punk'd, right?

#672
Kick them. Come here.

#675
♪ You gave a kick

#676
I gave a slap ♪

#677
♪ You smashed a plate

#678
Over my head ♪

#680
[TROY YELLS]

#683
Ow!

#684
Not the moneymaker,

#685
not the moneymaker.

#686
Ow! Ow!

#687
You're welcome.

#688
SHIRLEY:

#689
♪ Sensible night ♪

#690
♪ Appropriate night ♪

#693
♪ Round yon purchase ♪

#694
♪ Of decorative things ♪

#695
♪ Tolerant rewrite ♪

#696
♪ Of carols to sing ♪

#697
♪ Function with relative ♪

#698
♪ Ease ♪

#699
♪ Function with relative ♪

#700
♪ Ease ♪

#701
Yeah.

#702
Thank you.

#703
Yeah.

#704
Yeah.

#705
Thank you.

#706
Thank you, I get it.

#707
Yes, it is I, Señor Chang.

#708
Shakira, hold this.

#709
So I have finished grading

#710
everyone's finals.

#711
And all of you

#712
are moving on.

#714
SHIRLEY: Yes.

#716
Yeah.

#717
Ha, ha. Except for Jeff.

#719
CHANG: It turns out, you--

#723
No!

#724
In Spanish 102, ha-ha-ha!

#726
And I'm the only

#727
Spanish teacher.

#728
Yay!

#729
I meant about Jeff passing.

#731
eh.

#732
Whoa.

#734
Actually, that was

#735
my present to Jeff.

#736
Ha, ha. I don't care.

#740
I got hit in the face, like,

#741
four times

#742
before you punched me.

#745
Pierce, thank you.

#748
when we fought

#749
those fly dancers.

#750
So, uh...

#751
SHIRLEY & ANNIE:

#752
Ooh!

#755
Actually, I was gonna say,

#756
"Merry semester and

#757
happy new one."

#758
[SHIRLEY GIGGLES]

#762
Okay, he's running out.

#763
He's running out.

#767
So brightly ♪

#768
♪ O Christmas Troy

#769
O Christmas Troy ♪

#770
♪ Much pleasure

#771
Thou canst give me ♪

#772
Why do you guys

#773
do stuff like this?

#775
Yeah.

#776
JEFF & ABED:

#777
♪ The sight of thee at

#778
Christmastide ♪

#780
Far and wide ♪

#781
ALL:

#782
♪ O Christmas Troy

#783
O Christmas Troy ♪

#784
♪ Thou tree most fair

#785
And lovely ♪

#786
Don't move.

#787
This nose smells

#788
like special drink.

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