Home » 21 Jump Street (2012) » S01E01 — 21 Jump Street (2012)

21 Jump Street (2012)

Season 1, Episode 1 — 21 Jump Street (2012)

#1
- Hey, Melodie. - Hey.

#2
Look, I know

#3
we've known each other for a really long time.

#4
And we live across the street from each other and stuff.

#5
And...

#6
I know, like, in four days,

#7
I'm sure, if...

#8
- You know, prom's, like, in four days... - Oh, my God.

#9
You're not asking me to prom, are you?

#10
Fuck, no.

#11
No, I... No, I just...

#12
- You're probably going with someone. - I'm sorry.

#13
I don't know how to put this nicely.

#14
There's not a nice way to put it.

#15
You're a f***ing nerd.

#16
And, you know... I don't know. She's hot.

#17
Look at her. Look at her.

#18
- Look at her. Look at her. Look at her. - I'll see you later.

#19
- Bye. - All right, buddy, good talk.

#20
Dude, classic.

#21
Greg Jenko to the principal's office. Greg Jenko to the principal's office.

#22
- Shit. - Good luck, bro.

#23
I said loud and clear,

#24
if you didn't get your grades up, you weren't going to the prom.

#25
You, my friend, are about to pay the piper.

#26
I should pay who?

#27
You're not going to the prom.

#28
Boy, you lucky you even graduating.

#29
But I'm going to be prom king.

#30
I'm glad you had a great time in school.

#31
'Cause you ain't learned nothing.

#32
Fuck! Fuck!

#33
Welcome to the Police Academy.

#34
Make sure your form is completely filled out, then move along.

#35
Not-so-slim Shady, what's up? Holy shit!

#36
Jenko, Schmidt, you're up.

#37
Oh, f***!

#38
- You're good at this, huh? - Yeah, I am.

#39
Thank you.

#40
Such bullshit.

#41
You're really good at this.

#42
Yeah, I am.

#43
Hey, you want to be friends?

#44
Come on. Come on, let's go.

#45
Come on, pick your knees up. Pick your knees up.

#46
I'm telling you right now, it's not a felony.

#47
Chill, all right? Look, if it has intent, it's a felony.

#48
What did I tell you? Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go!

#49
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.

#50
Faster. Let's go.

#51
Clear!

#52
Clear!

#53
Come on, come on, come on! Stop.

#54
Yes! Yes!

#55
Let me see. Let me see.

#56
Nice.

#57
Ten-hut! Ladies and gentlemen,

#58
I present to you the graduates of Class 137.

#59
Get ready for a lifetime of being badass motherf***ers.

#60
I am.

#61
I really thought this job would have more car chases and explosions,

#62
and less homeless people doo-dooing everywhere.

#63
Do you guys really think this is a police matter?

#64
To get your Frisbee back?

#65
Get your own f***ing Frisbee.

#66
Shit.

#67
Shit! Shit!

#68
Yours isn't loaded, right?

#69
We're supposed to unload them first, right?

#70
What, you... No.

#71
That's no fun. Come on.

#72
Sign says, "Do not feed the ducks."

#73
It's right there.

#74
- Don't you... Don't... - Don't. Stop it.

#75
Don't. You did it. You fed the ducks.

#76
You feel like a big shot?

#77
No f***ing way.

#78
One Percenters?

#79
These guys are, like, big-time drug dealers.

#80
If we could take them down as our first bust, we'd be off park duty for sure.

#81
You see what I see?

#82
Cannabis sativa.

#83
Chaka Khan.

#84
Chaka Khan?

#85
Gentlemen. We having a little party?

#86
Have we forgotten that the use of marijuana is illegal?

#87
I have glaucoma.

#88
I get nervous in crowds.

#89
Herpes.

#90
Then you won't mind if I search your bike, now, would you?

#91
Go ahead. You won't find shit.

#92
- Get up. - Cálmate, gringo.

#93
Man, you guys even real cops? You look like the kids on Halloween.

#94
If those boys is cops, I'm DEA.

#95
I know, right? I know.

#96
It's hilarious.

#97
So why don't you show us a little respect?

#98
- Fuck you, pig. - Hey.

#99
You want me to beat your dick off?

#100
You want to beat my dick off?

#101
I'll beat your dick off with both hands. What's up? Let's go.

#102
- That's weird, man. - I think what he was trying to say was,

#103
he's going to punch you so many times around the genital area

#104
that your dick's just going to fall off.

#105
Why do you have salt in your...

#106
- That's actual drugs. - Oh, my God.

#107
Get on the ground! Hey!

#108
- Come here now! - What do I do?

#109
- Chase someone! - Chase someone?

#110
Are you leaving your bike here?

#111
Okay. All right.

#112
Don't run from me! You're making it worse for yourself!

#113
No! Get out of the way!

#114
Stop!

#115
I'm going to shoot you if you don't slow down, man! Come on!

#116
Hey! Come here!

#117
I'm not playing anymore! I'm so not kidding!

#118
I got him. I got him.

#119
Freeze! Freeze!

#120
Hands up or I shoot you! Freeze!

#121
That's it! Come here!

#122
Freeze! Stop it!

#123
You're a pussy!

#124
You got the right to... Give me that! You got the right to...

#125
...to suck my dick, motherf***er!

#126
My elbow.

#127
- You got nothing. - How's my dick feel in your ass, huh?

#128
- Hey! Hey! - How's it feel? How's it feel now?

#129
That's right. Schmidt! Schmidt, we got one!

#130
We got one! I got him!

#131
Yes! Yes!

#132
- Yeah! - We got an arrest!

#133
- Yeah! We got him! - Yes!

#134
- Yeah! Fuck you! Yeah! - Fuck you! Yeah!

#135
What's up?

#136
Drop my nuts on your motherf***ing forehead!

#137
Drop my nuts on your motherf***ing forehead!

#138
- That's right. - Fuck you, park!

#139
- We arrest people now! - What up, park?

#140
- What's up? What's up? - What up, park? Who wants one?

#141
Congratulations on the bust, boys. It sounds great.

#142
- Thank you, Cinnamon. - Are those new?

#143
The department was forced to drop the charges

#144
because you forgot to read him his Miranda rights.

#145
What possible reason is there for not doing the only thing

#146
you have to do when arresting someone?

#147
I did read him his right... I did a version of that.

#148
- Do you even know the Miranda rights? - Yes.

#149
Let's hear them, then.

#150
You got a lot of stuff to do.

#151
No, go ahead. You going anywhere, Schmidt?

#152
We got time.

#153
I had a thing, but I can probably push it back.

#154
Go ahead. It's four declamatory sentences, followed by a question,

#155
for a total of 57 words.

#156
Okay. Look, it obviously starts with, "You have the right to remain silent."

#157
I know you've heard this before. And then,

#158
I think it sounds something like...

#159
- "You have the right to an attorney." - Well, the thing... Yeah, right.

#160
"You have the right to remain an attorney."

#161
Did you say that you have the right to be an attorney?

#162
You do have the right to be an attorney, if you want to.

#163
Where were you?

#164
I was chasing my perp, sir.

#165
And how did that go for you?

#166
Honestly, he did get away,

#167
and he threw me down pretty hard.

#168
Actually f***ed up my elbow pretty bad.

#169
Can I see that?

#170
Yeah, actually, it hurts 'cause the dirt gets mushed into it.

#171
Wow.

#172
Fortunately for you two,

#173
we're reviving a canceled undercover police program from the '80s

#174
and revamping it for modern times.

#175
You see, the guys in charge of this stuff

#176
lack creativity and are completely out of ideas,

#177
so all they do now is recycle shit from the past

#178
and expect us all not to notice.

#179
One of these programs involves the use of young,

#180
immature-seeming officers.

#181
Sir, are you saying that you're going to send us into, like,

#182
a child sex slavery ring or something?

#183
Sir, if I have to suck somebody's dick, I will.

#184
It's just... I'd prefer not to.

#185
I think you idiots are perfect.

#186
You're officially transferred.

#187
- All right. Yeah. - That's great.

#188
Where should we report to?

#189
Down on Jump Street.

#190
37 Jump Street.

#191
No, that doesn't sound right.

#192
Is it...

#193
This has got to be a joke.

#194
This is it.

#195
Aroma of Christ Church?

#196
How's it going?

#197
This place is weird.

#198
Everybody comfortable?

#199
Yeah.

#200
Get your motherf***ing ass up when I'm talking!

#201
You will be going undercover as high school students.

#202
You are here simply because you look young.

#203
You some Justin Beaver,

#204
Miley Cyrus-looking motherf***ers.

#205
Captain Sassy.

#206
I know what you're thinking,

#207
"Angry Black Captain."

#208
It ain't nothing but a stupid stereotype.

#209
Well, guess what, motherf***ers.

#210
I'm black.

#211
And I worked my ass off to be the captain!

#212
And sometimes I get angry.

#213
So suck a dick!

#214
What I'm trying to show you is,

#215
embrace your stereotypes.

#216
Like this guy right here. Handsome.

#217
And he's probably a dummy.

#218
And then this guy.

#219
He's short and insecure.

#220
And he's probably good with money.

#221
- You are good with money. - What the f***?

#222
Didn't somebody tell you guys this was an undercover unit?

#223
I don't... I actually didn't...

#224
I didn't get a letter or anything.

#225
- Yeah, like, a start time... - With a dress code or anything like that.

#226
Teenage the f*** up!

#227
Rule number one at Jump Street. Fugazy.

#228
Do not get expelled.

#229
Nobody in the system knows you're here. All right? Nobody.

#230
You get kicked out of school,

#231
your monkey ass is getting kicked out of Jump Street.

#232
Rule number two. Burns.

#233
Do not have sexual relations with students or teachers, sir.

#234
You hear that? That's you.

#235
- Don't do it, man. - Why...

#236
- Keep that dirty dick in your pants. - Dirty?

#237
Don't f*** no students.

#238
Don't f*** no teachers.

#239
Sir, I know we come off as a couple of lady-killers,

#240
but I promise you we will be super professional on the job.

#241
Clearly, I wasn't talking to you, Big Titties.

#242
You cherub-looking motherf***er.

#243
I was talking to your partner over here.

#244
Fake-ass Handsome McGee.

#245
When I'm talking to him, I'm talking to him.

#246
When I say, "Shut the f*** up,"

#247
- I'm talking to you. - Cool.

#248
Now, you two sons of bitches, in my office now.

#249
Right now!

#250
Hi. I am Billiam Willingham.

#251
So I bought these,

#252
which is all anybody seems to be talking about right now.

#253
Cheers.

#254
It's a new synthetic drug.

#255
Goes by the street name H.F.S.

#256
Holy f***ing shit.

#257
Holy...

#258
They put this on the Internet for everybody to see?

#259
They're teenagers, man. They're really stupid.

#260
So you should blend right in.

#261
Jessica, will you go to prom with me? But I already know the answer. It's yes.

#262
I could watch this kid all day.

#263
Man, this kid rules.

#264
Ruled.

#265
His parents found him OD'd in his room a few days ago.

#266
He's dead.

#267
Whatever he took, the lab has never seen it before.

#268
And as you can see, this kid is white.

#269
That means people actually give a shit.

#270
Sir, I just want to throw out to you that I would give a shit if he was black.

#271
Right now, H.F.S. is contained right there at Sagan High.

#272
Now, once this drug breaks containment, it goes viral in a few days.

#273
Jenko, I looked at your old transcript.

#274
I enrolled you in a bunch of bullshit courses

#275
like photography and drama.

#276
Get in with the burnouts and the cool kids.

#277
Find out who's slinging this shit.

#278
Schmidt, says you were a virgin

#279
- through high school. - It says that?

#280
No. I just assumed it,

#281
due to your many years on the honor roll and your membership to the juggling squad.

#282
It's the Juggling Society, but it's fine. It’s fine.

#283
They're stealing equipment from the chemistry lab.

#284
That's what we think they're cooking the dope with.

#285
I enrolled you into honors chemistry.

#286
Here's your new identities, all right?

#287
Brad and Doug McQuaid.

#288
The mission is this.

#289
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

#290
We get to be brothers?

#291
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

#292
But if we find the supplier first, we don't have to worry about the dealers.

#293
God damn. Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

#294
Hey, Korean Jesus.

#295
I don't know if you only cater to Korean Christians

#296
or if you even exist. No offense.

#297
I just...

#298
I'm really freaked out about going back to high school.

#299
It was just so f***ing hard the first time.

#300
I know we haven't made our first arrest, or maybe I'm not the best cop.

#301
Korean Jesus, I just really don't want to f*** this up.

#302
I'm sorry for swearing so much.

#303
The end?

#304
I don't really know how to end a prayer. The end?

#305
Yeah.

#306
Hey! Hey!

#307
Stop f***ing with Korean Jesus!

#308
He ain't got time for your problems. He busy!

#309
With Korean shit.

#310
- You two get to your mama house ASAP. - What?

#311
You're teenagers now, all right?

#312
You two are staying at Schmidt's parents' house

#313
for the duration of this assignment.

#314
Fuck me.

#315
This house is adorable.

#316
My baby's home! Come here.

#317
- You will always be my infant angel baby child. - There's my guy.

#318
It's great to see you guys.

#319
- Hey. - Schmidt family! Up top, Papa Schmidt.

#320
Oh, my God. Mama Schmidt, did you do all this yourself?

#321
- This is unbelievable. - Well, yeah.

#322
- I guess I did. - It's gorgeous!

#323
So are you.

#324
Honey, listen, I want to tell you, we did blow up the air mattress in your room

#325
'cause we're kind of using that as a workout area,

#326
so I hope you don't mind the elliptical.

#327
No, no! Jenko, Jenko, oh, my God, please. No, no.

#328
Don't touch that. We just brought it back from Sedona.

#329
Guys, can we get rid of this stuff?

#330
I mean, it looks like I died in a car crash

#331
- and you guys haven't moved on. - Rid of it?

#332
If we take it down, we have to stop bragging about you.

#333
I look like Fred Savage from The Wonder Years,

#334
but completely naked, wearing Indian friendship bracelets.

#335
That is a great picture, Morton.

#336
You look like a young Jay Leno.

#337
Am I even wearing underwear in this picture?

#338
No.

#339
I remember. You know why?

#340
Because I've told it to a therapist about 8,000 times.

#341
I mean, this is a fourth grade participation medal for soccer.

#342
It's literally a medal for sucking.

#343
- No, that is a medal for trying. - Yes.

#344
Let me tell you something. This guy was always a great tryer.

#345
That must be Phyllis. She is just dying to see you.

#346
What? Mom, you told Phyllis I was here? She's gonna tell the whole neighborhood.

#347
I told you, it's an undercover assignment. It's super secretive.

#348
"Undercover." That's so cute.

#349
- I'm going upstairs. - Okay, honey. I want you to know

#350
- we are so glad you're here. - Okay.

#351
That's great. Thank you.

#352
- All right. Where is he? - He's upstairs.

#353
He just needs to take a little rest, and then he's dying to see you, too.

#354
- Bye-bye. - I baked muffins!

#355
If you don't know your identity, we're screwed tomorrow.

#356
You got to study this stuff.

#357
Forget those identities. They're bullshit. They said I was held back a year.

#358
You were. You were held back two years.

#359
Just 'cause it's a fake backstory doesn't mean it doesn't hurt my feelings.

#360
Fuck! Socks don't match.

#361
I got to start all over.

#362
It's the first day of school, dude. I got to look awesome.

#363
You know, back in the day, you were super popular,

#364
and I wasn't as much.

#365
We didn't really get along in high school.

#366
You don't think that's going to happen again, do you?

#367
No. Come on, man. We're adults now. We're best buds.

#368
It's definitely not going to happen again.

#369
- We're good. - Cool.

#370
Beautiful day out there, boys.

#371
Just shut up.

#372
"Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

#373
"You have the right to an attorney.

#374
"If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed..."

#375
Dude, do you still not know the Miranda rights? You're a cop.

#376
Come on, man. They always cut away on TV before they finish them.

#377
All right, let's do it.

#378
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - What?

#379
What are you doing?

#380
- What? What are you talking about? - Are you two-strapping?

#381
- My backpack? Yeah. - Yeah, I got to be seen with you.

#382
You got to one-strap it.

#383
Seriously, I would no-strap it if that would even be possible.

#384
Okay, what makes you the expert?

#385
I was cool in high school, and you weren't.

#386
Okay, that makes sense. Continue.

#387
The Three Keys of Coolness in High School, by Jenko.

#388
One, don't try hard at anything.

#389
Okay? Two, make fun of people who do try.

#390
Three, be handsome.

#391
Four, if anyone steps to you on the first day of school,

#392
you punch them directly in the face.

#393
Five, drive a kick-ass car.

#394
Shit.

#395
All right, but just don't be driving it like teenagers,

#396
revving up the engine and shit, okay?

#397
We would never.

#398
Come on, Hoffs. Give us a little credit.

#399
- Hey, you ready? - Go!

#400
That was awesome! That was amazing.

#401
- Was I flying? - That was amazing.

#402
All right, do mine, do mine.

#403
- Okay, ready? Here I go. - Yeah, yeah.

#404
You okay?

#405
I think I shit my pants.

#406
Hey, park in that handicapped spot.

#407
- It'll make us look cool. - That's awesome.

#408
Dude?

#409
- Everybody's two-strapping it. - Just stay with the one-strap.

#410
I can't. I can't. I can't right now.

#411
What are you doing? What are you doing? Don't succumb to the peer pressure.

#412
- What are you doing? - You're supposed to use two straps.

#413
- One strap is peer pressure. - No. No. You're f***ing up right now.

#414
Okay, those are Goths.

#415
Those are nerds.

#416
I don't know what they are.

#417
What the f*** are those things?

#418
I'm so confused right now.

#419
Whoa.

#420
- Hi. - Hey.

#421
- Hey. - Good morning.

#422
Hey, yo. Hey.

#423
- Is that your car? - Yeah.

#424
What's that thing get, 10 miles to the gallon?

#425
No, try, like, seven.

#426
- What about you? - Biodiesel, dawg.

#427
Smells like egg rolls.

#428
Yeah, it does. Runs on leftover fry oil from Hunan Palace.

#429
But we try to ride bikes when we can. Global crisis and whatnot.

#430
Whatever, man. I don't care about anything.

#431
You don't care about the environment? That's kind of f***ed up, man.

#432
Hey, hey, will y'all shut the hell up?

#433
I'm trying to study. Thanks.

#434
Look at him. He's trying.

#435
He's actually trying. What a nerd.

#436
Look at the nerd. Look at the nerd.

#437
- Look at him. Look at the nerd. - Who you calling a nerd, man?

#438
I'm sorry. What...

#439
- Shit! - Shit, dude.

#440
Are you okay, man? Hey, what the hell? Are you serious?

#441
Well, turn that gay-ass music off.

#442
- You punched me because I'm gay? - What?

#443
No. Come on.

#444
That's not cool, man.

#445
That is really insensitive.

#446
I didn't punch him because he's gay.

#447
I punched him, and then he happened to turn out to be gay afterwards.

#448
- I was gay when you punched me! - In a weird way,

#449
it might have been homophobic not to punch you

#450
- just because you were gay. - Right.

#451
You punched a little gay black kid in the face,

#452
and it's not even second period. How do you explain that?

#453
Mr. Dadier, I'm so sorry about that. I just...

#454
Look, guys, I'm going to relate to you, okay?

#455
A kid died the other day from drugs,

#456
and nobody, including me, is doing anything about it.

#457
That's weird, guys.

#458
And then you two show up, with 30 days left,

#459
causing trouble in my school.

#460
I am one more black gay kid getting punched in the face

#461
away from a nervous breakdown. Do I make myself clear?

#462
You guys cross my line again,

#463
and you walk into this office, I'm going to expel you. You got me?

#464
All right, let's do this. Which one of you is Doug?

#465
Let's do that again and pretend you guys aren't weird.

#466
Which one of you is named Doug?

#467
- No, dude, I'm Brad. - Okay, good.

#468
So that means your name is Doug, son.

#469
- Yeah, I'm Doug. - Great.

#470
Here are your class schedules.

#471
Funny, I wouldn't have taken you for the brainy type.

#472
I wouldn't. But you as a drama geek, far less surprising.

#473
Thank you.

#474
Now we have the wrong identities, you dumbass.

#475
I'm in drama. I suck at drama. It's girly and embarrassing.

#476
Oh, my God. Relax, dude. Who cares?

#477
I can fake my way through band practice and app chemistry for a few weeks.

#478
AP Chemistry. AP Chemistry. And, no, you can't,

#479
because you don't even know what it's actually f***ing called!

#480
It's going to be fine. You go to my classes, and I'm going to go to yours.

#481
Okay, now, chemistry's the one with the shapes and shit, right?

#482
Fuck.

#483
So, we are going to hold auditions for the Peter Pan part today.

#484
Billiam would've wanted the show to go on.

#485
When I was a young actor just starting out in New York state,

#486
Albany, to be exact,

#487
- I booked a local television commercial... - Hey.

#488
...in which I had to play a young man...

#489
It's really sad about that kid. He was talented.

#490
So are you saying if he wasn't talented, it would be less sad?

#491
No. No, no, no, that's not what I meant.

#492
I was just busting your balls.

#493
Okay. Good.

#494
I remember, one time, doing cocaine with Willie Nelson's horse,

#495
and we were having so much fun.

#496
And then I realized that she was dead.

#497
I remember one summer...

#498
Do kids still do this stuff?

#499
Even after what happened to him?

#500
Everyone's saying that Billiam had a heart murmur.

#501
Pretty much everyone I know does it, but it's not my thing.

#502
It's not really my thing, either,

#503
but a buddy of mine really wants it.

#504
Who would he call if he wanted it?

#505
Well, you can tell your friend

#506
that if he really wanted it,

#507
it's not so hard to find.

#508
When to take it. He shouldn't have been taking it at all.

#509
Drugs are bad.

#510
But they can have their place in the life of a professional actor.

#511
- Thank you. - You're welcome.

#512
Notice the distinction. I said "professional actor."

#513
New person. Mr. Texty Texty.

#514
Since you have so much to say to Molly,

#515
let's see if you can be Peter to our Wendy.

#516
You look like you might have a little Peter inside of you.

#517
I can't. I'm fine just being a tree or something.

#518
Doug, you never won't know

#519
what you can't achieve before you don't achieve it.

#520
My point is,

#521
you have to. Everyone auditions for Peter.

#522
Yeah, sure.

#523
My favorite molecule is water.

#524
I'd marry it, unless it was my daughter.

#525
Its solid form floats on its liquid form, which makes it far outside the norm.

#526
It allowed life to form on ancient Mars, and we use it to wash our cars.

#527
H2O.

#528
H2O. H2O.

#529
- H2O. - It's okay. Thank you.

#530
Thank you, Zack. So good.

#531
All right, anybody else for Molecule Mondays? Anyone?

#532
Okay. Time for a pop Quiznos.

#533
A what?

#534
I'm sorry.

#535
What is your name? Brad?

#536
- Brad. Yes, ma'am. - Wow. Look at you,

#537
Brad. Big.

#538
What is a pop Quiznos?

#539
It's a quiz, and the first who finishes gets a $10 gift certificate to Quiznos.

#540
- Today's quiz is on... - You look really old.

#541
- Were you held back or something or... - No. You look super young.

#542
Were you held forward?

#543
I went to school in France, so...

#544
And they do, like, two extra years of middle school there. It's so lame.

#545
French, the language of love.

#546
That's cool, man. It's nice to meet you also.

#547
Hey.

#548
Good luck.

#549
I've gotta crow

#550
I'm just the cleverest...

#551
Okay.

#552
Maybe try one cooler.

#553
And faster.

#554
And louder. And better.

#555
And less insecure and more just cool.

#556
Okay, yeah, those are great notes.

#557
I'm going to run outside,

#558
and I'm going to utilize those, and I'm going to come back.

#559
It's such bullshit.

#560
Wow. You're fast.

#561
Not like that. Just, let me check you out.

#562
Let me check out your chest.

#563
Check out your test... Let me...

#564
Let me grade your quiz.

#565
Can I go take a dump?

#566
Yeah, okay. That's cool.

#567
We have this "hurry back" rule,

#568
so if you're not back in six minutes, I have to send you to the principal.

#569
Rules are rules, so,

#570
I guess this will have to be a quickie.

#571
- Which way is yearbook? - I don't know.

#572
- Is it this way? - I don't know!

#573
- Yo. - Hey.

#574
You guys, huh?

#575
That was a total mix-up, what happened earlier.

#576
- Yeah. - He feels awful. He feels...

#577
Totally, very nervous.

#578
You're the dealer?

#579
- You're the dealer guy? - Is that you?

#580
Yep.

#581
So do you make the stuff or...

#582
Do I look like a f***ing scientist? No, I just sell it.

#583
- Yeah, he just sells it. Come on. - Yeah, no, I'm sorry.

#584
- I meant I just... - How many you guys want?

#585
20 bucks a pop.

#586
One each? One pop each of drugs.

#587
You guys aren't narcs, are you?

#588
Whoa!

#589
- Dude, come on. - No! Maybe you're a narc.

#590
You know who calls people narcs?

#591
Narcs, narc.

#592
First of all, your argument kind of just collapsed on itself,

#593
because if you call us narcs,

#594
if narcs call people narcs, and you call us narcs, then that's kind of...

#595
- 'Cause you just said that. - They call people...

#596
Look, I don't have time for this shit. You guys want to do this or not?

#597
- Jesus. - Yes.

#598
- Yes, yes. - No problem.

#599
All right, take it here so I know you're cool.

#600
I'm sorry. What?

#601
- We were going to take it home. - I gotta go back to class,

#602
- is the only thing. - I was thinking that I was gonna go home,

#603
maybe turn down the lights,

#604
getting snuggy, get a little weird.

#605
I was going to take it, and then masturbate later.

#606
Okay, I'm not asking. Take it now or get the f*** out.

#607
I got to finish the girls' volleyball page by lunch.

#608
Yeah?

#609
Yeah, no, it's all good.

#610
- I love doing drugs at school. - I'll just take the drugs right here,

#611
in our mouths.

#612
There you go. That's it.

#613
What is that? Barbecue? Cool Ranch?

#614
Have fun.

#615
- You got to pull the trigger! - Okay.

#616
You got to pull the trigger!

#617
- We got to throw up, man. - I can't.

#618
We gotta throw up. That kid, Billiam, died. We got to throw up.

#619
Just think of something gross. Think of something gross.

#620
- You f***ing think of something. - Okay, all right, all right.

#621
Your grandma's vagina, and there's a dick going into it.

#622
- What the f*** are you saying? - I don't know! I'm just trying!

#623
- I'm trying my best! I'm just trying! - Fuck! Come on, man!

#624
Dude, let's just finger each other's mouths.

#625
- No! - Yeah.

#626
No, you're not fingering my mouth.

#627
- Do you wanna die? Do you wanna die? - Okay, fine!

#628
Let's go. Come on. Come on! Come on!

#629
What are you doing? Are you trying to find my G-spot?

#630
- Just stick it in! - I don't know. I've never done this!

#631
Just stick it in! Go!

#632
Cut your f***ing fingernails!

#633
Oh, God!

#634
Is it me?

#635
I'm sorry.

#636
I just can't sometimes.

#637
Think we're going to be fine. I don't feel anything.

#638
Me, neither.

#639
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#640
You got a pass for running around the hallways like a couple of ding-a-lings?

#641
Pass, in your hand.

#642
Hello.

#643
Damn. You guys are late.

#644
Now I'm going to have to take you to the principal's office.

#645
- No, no, no, man. Come on, please. Sorry. - Come on, please.

#646
You have exceptional muscle tone there, young man.

#647
When'd you go through puberty? Like, at seven or something?

#648
You look like you're in your mid-20s, for crying out loud.

#649
McQuaid, huh? Doug McQuaid.

#650
I read your file.

#651
You got a lot of something special going on there, young man.

#652
What the hell was that? God damn it, son!

#653
Don't ever raise your hand to me like that again, all right?

#654
I consider that a threat.

#655
I was just saying that I'm Doug.

#656
I'm Doug McQuaid. See, that's Brad.

#657
That's Brad.

#658
You're the new kid who's All County in track?

#659
Yes, I'm Doug McQuaid,

#660
the track star, and this is Brad, the science prodigy.

#661
He's really fast.

#662
Is this funny to you guys?

#663
So you're Doug. You're Doug. You're Doug.

#664
You're Doug. You're Doug.

#665
Here's the deal.

#666
My track team is full of physically incapable rejects.

#667
I mean, if I wasn't the coach, I'd be laughing my ass off

#668
at how spastic they are, but I am the coach,

#669
so I need you.

#670
I need me some Doug McQuaid.

#671
Understand?

#672
I need you to run anchor on the 4 X 400 at today's track meet.

#673
You do that, and I'll sign this pass.

#674
Don't blow on me, son.

#675
I haven't trained.

#676
Guys, don't make me take you to the principal's office.

#677
Do we have a deal?

#678
Yes.

#679
Nice.

#680
I don't like that. Put your tongue back in your mouth.

#681
Put your tongue in your mouth, and close it.

#682
What are you doing? Stop it.

#683
Actually, that's not bad.

#684
All right, here you go.

#685
Are you guys on drugs?

#686
Okay.

#687
One particle of Unobtainium has a nuclear reaction with a flux capacitor.

#688
Carry the two, changing its atomic isotoner into a radioactive spider.

#689
Fuck you, science!

#690
All right, all right, we're good.

#691
We're good. We're good, man. We're good.

#692
We're good, baby.

#693
Good work. Hit that shit.

#694
I've gotta crow

#695
I'm just the cleverest fellow

#696
'Twas ever my fortune to know

#697
I taught a trick to my shadow

#698
To stick to the tip of my toe

#699
I've gotta crow

#700
I've gotta

#701
Crow!

#702
Christoph, did you feel that?

#703
Who are you?

#704
Welcome aboard, Peter.

#705
No, keep it going!

#706
Keep it going. That was so tight!

#707
No, no, no, keep it going. Keep it going.

#708
All right, let's go, McQuaid!

#709
All right! Yeah!

#710
I like it! I like the confidence, son!

#711
I know y'all seen this shit before.

#712
I know you've seen this shit before.

#713
Huge lead! Huge lead! We got this. All right.

#714
You're looking amped!

#715
Here we go.

#716
Here we go! Here we go!

#717
Hey, pick it up!

#718
Hey, no, McQuaid, pick it up. What are you doing?

#719
What are you doing? Pick it...

#720
What? McQuaid!

#721
Don't throw the baton, you jackass!

#722
Come on!

#723
McQuaid!

#724
Run that way!

#725
Spike that! Fuck you, Miles Davis!

#726
Let's go, God damn it! Let's do this!

#727
Let's go! Come on!

#728
Oh, my God.

#729
No, no.

#730
No, stop.

#731
Come here. Come here.

#732
Don't make a...

#733
That is a baton penis.

#734
Speak of the devil!

#735
Dude, that was awesome how you sabotaged that track meet, man.

#736
Organized sports are so fascist. It makes me sick.

#737
That's just what I do.

#738
Okay. Shit, man. See you around, all right?

#739
I don't get this school.

#740
That was awesome.

#741
Okay, so we stayed up all night making this.

#742
It's awesome. You're really going to like it.

#743
All yarn work was done by Jenko.

#744
Okay, Captain, look, the dealers are the popular kids,

#745
but they're not normal popular.

#746
They're these crunchy granola dudes that have convinced everyone

#747
that they're cool, and they're not cool.

#748
It's backwards and unnatural, and it's got to be stopped.

#749
Lead dealer, Eric Molson. Alpha dog.

#750
Sick chicks, killer steeze.

#751
Did the AIDS run this year.

#752
He's getting into Berkeley, early admish,

#753
and he totally gets me.

#754
Who put this together? Are you autistic?

#755
It is artistic, sir, because the thing is,

#756
- the yarn actually indicates... - We're compiling a list

#757
of suspicious types at school. The users are here.

#758
This kid was actually talking to a tree this morning.

#759
Cut the bullshit!

#760
I want to know who's the supplier.

#761
We don't know. That's why there's a question mark on his face.

#762
That's not the way his face looks. That's just a question mark.

#763
Infiltrate the dealers, find the supplier.

#764
Simple.

#765
Sounds like you guys really cracked the whole case.

#766
Great job. You guys are on fire.

#767
- So proud. - Like you could do any better?

#768
We just brought down a group of wannabe thugs

#769
stripping down cars in the Garfield High metal shop.

#770
- What? - Meanwhile, you two were standing around

#771
finger-popping each other's assholes.

#772
We're not finger-popping each other's assholes.

#773
What we're doing is getting shit done.

#774
Yeah, as a matter of fact,

#775
I'm about to infiltrate a super high-tech

#776
drug manufacturing ring in the chemistry classroom.

#777
- Password! - Open the door!

#778
- You have to say the password. - I'm sorry. What?

#779
What are you...

#780
Geez.

#781
What are y'all doing? How'd you get a key in here?

#782
Ms. Griggs gave us one so we could work, tutor, deal Bakugan.

#783
Bakugan? You dealing drugs?

#784
- Let me see. You dealing drugs? - No.

#785
It's just a card game. It's, like, a hybrid card game.

#786
- See? They open up. - Battle Brawlers.

#787
- You're not doing anything illegal? - No.

#788
- What are you doing in here? - I'm here to study.

#789
Good. You could use it. You're pretty far behind, so...

#790
You're behind. I'm ahead.

#791
- I know everything. - Really?

#792
What's a covalent bond?

#793
Fuck you, man. I don't need to tell you.

#794
I wasn't trying to be rude. Sorry.

#795
I just... I don't think you know everything.

#796
I know everything.

#797
Okay.

#798
What kind of bullshit do they say about a covalent bond in this school?

#799
They say it's when two atoms share both their electrons.

#800
It helps them to stick together.

#801
I could help you out if you want, tutor you for the test.

#802
What are you doing with all those phones anyway?

#803
I crack and jailbreak kids' phones to try and save for college.

#804
You know, I switch their wireless carriers, get them restricted apps.

#805
Can you listen in on phone calls and stuff?

#806
No, no, I can't install a spyware to remotely monitor calls

#807
or anything that the mic picks up.

#808
- I can't do that at all. - Wait, you can't do it?

#809
No, I can't.

#810
- Is he being sarcastic? - I don't know.

#811
So you can.

#812
Liking comic books is popular.

#813
Environmental awareness, being tolerant.

#814
If I was just born 10 years later, I would have been the coolest person ever.

#815
I know. It's bullshit.

#816
You know what?

#817
I totally know the cause.

#818
Glee. Fuck you, Glee.

#819
Man, I got to say, this is kind of awesome.

#820
I might become popular. I might get in with the popular kids.

#821
We just have to do something wildly irresponsible to earn their trust.

#822
You saying we should throw a party?

#823
I'll invite Molly, and then Molly will invite Eric,

#824
and that'll be the quickest way for me to bro down with him.

#825
Wouldn't it be better if we both infiltrated the cool kids' group?

#826
I think it would be better if you get in

#827
with the nerdy kids and see what's going on over there.

#828
That'd be the best thing for the case.

#829
Yeah. I mean, I guess that makes sense.

#830
- Hello? - Hey. Is this Molly?

#831
Speaking.

#832
Hey. It's Schmidt.

#833
It's Doug Schmug McQuaid.

#834
Hey, man.

#835
It's so weird that you're calling me.

#836
I pretty much text except for when a random old relative calls.

#837
I was just calling 'cause we're costarring in this play together,

#838
- and... - Hello?

#839
Mom, get off the phone!

#840
Sorry, Doug,

#841
- my teen son. - Mom!

#842
I love you, honey, Dougie, Doug, Douglas McQuaid.

#843
Mom, so serious right now! Stop!

#844
I'm sorry. My mom's such a dick.

#845
She just, like, smothers me with affection and makes me feel like I'm five years old.

#846
Wow. You're a sharer. I dig that.

#847
Well, I'm 18 years old, and my mom still packs a lunch for me every day.

#848
There was this one month where she bought me 43 stuffed animals.

#849
The doctor thought I was gonna spontaneously grow a vagina.

#850
I didn't, though, just to be clear.

#851
Yeah, because you already had one.

#852
Exactly. I already had one.

#853
And you don't need two vaginas. You just don't.

#854
Although you could use one as a coin purse.

#855
I never got any stuffed animals growing up.

#856
Wait, actually, that's not true. I did.

#857
My dad gave me a stuffed puppy the day he bailed on us.

#858
I'm just f***ing with you.

#859
That is a weird joke.

#860
I thought your dad abandoned your family.

#861
No, he did walk out on us, though.

#862
But he didn't even leave me a stuffed puppy.

#863
Just broken dreams.

#864
Oh, man. Well, I guess, to that, I would say,

#865
well,

#866
that there are some good guys out there,

#867
and I wouldn't let, you know, one experience

#868
taint your memory.

#869
Oh, my God.

#870
Are you getting choked up? I'm sorry if I made you upset.

#871
No, it's just, you know, I don't like when guys are mean to girls.

#872
Yeah. Well, thanks.

#873
Normal transition here.

#874
Actually, I'm having a party next weekend. You should come!

#875
You and Eric and Juario, whatever.

#876
Do you mind if I just put, like, a posting on Facebook?

#877
Okay. Yeah, yeah!

#878
I should call you back.

#879
Well, all right, I'll see you at school. You're a great person.

#880
- Bye-bye. Bye. - Bye.

#881
What the f*** are you...

#882
Are y'all throwing a party?

#883
- What? - There's rumors in the Twittersphere.

#884
And if any of my officers

#885
are caught giving alcohol to minors,

#886
they'll find theyself in prison

#887
with a snorkel duct-taped to they mouth

#888
and me shitting down that snorkel.

#889
That's extremely vivid. Thank you.

#890
You're the best. You are the best.

#891
- Oh, my God. - We love you.

#892
- Enjoy the vineyard. - You boys be good, now.

#893
Yeah, I can't believe you guys did this for us.

#894
Bye!

#895
"We love you"? What are you doing? Why you saying "I love you" to my mom?

#896
- I'm in character. Shut up. - It's weird.

#897
Look, dude, it's kind of like we're brothers.

#898
Wait, how are we going to buy alcohol?

#899
Dude, I don't have a fake ID.

#900
How are we going to get drugs for the party?

#901
Oh, no.

#902
We got a pound of coke.

#903
We're trying to show them a good time, not ruin their f***ing lives.

#904
Pound of marijuana?

#905
- Best party ever. - Boo-yah!

#906
To a brilliant idea

#907
from my brilliant brother

#908
that I love so very much.

#909
And this is going to f***ing rock.

#910
- Cheers, man. - Cheers.

#911
- Who invited you guys? - I did!

#912
The party's here!

#913
- What's up, Zack? - Hey, buddy.

#914
What's up, Roman?

#915
This is crazy. This is, like, the craziest thing I've ever been a part of.

#916
Where is Eric, man? He said he'd be here.

#917
Do we have enough chips?

#918
Is this playlist too dance-y?

#919
- Feels too dance-y. - Too dance-y?

#920
- What are you talking about? - I don't know, it just feels dance-y.

#921
What are you doing?

#922
- That's my mom's Kokopelli vase. - I got it, I got it.

#923
Doug, Doug, hey!

#924
Hey, Paul Blart: Molly Cop.

#925
Such a bad joke.

#926
Terrible, terrible.

#927
- You guys know each other, right? - Yeah.

#928
Get ready, get ready, there's Eric. Wait for the signal.

#929
And then you come in here looking like a rock-solid 10.

#930
What?

#931
What's up, man, how you doing?

#932
Eco Suave.

#933
Whoa.

#934
Wow, so I'm really digging this decor.

#935
Very Native American.

#936
Yeah, our parents are actually

#937
- really into Native American... - Let's rock and roll.

#938
- Sorry. - What are y'all doing?

#939
- Come on. - Did you guys even see Eric?

#940
Seriously, did you not see Eric?

#941
No offense, man, but your brother sucks.

#942
Yo, this is butt. There's, like, no hot dudes here.

#943
- Man, let's bounce. - We're out of here, man.

#944
No, no, no, come on, you guys just got here, you just got here.

#945
Come on, let me at least give you a tour.

#946
Okay, boys, come on, we did it, we can do this, just go,

#947
just go as fast as you possibly can.

#948
Taking out the SIM card.

#949
Taking out the SIM card.

#950
Taking down Eric with the SIM card information

#951
Come on, CSI the shit out of this thing.

#952
- Are you drunk? - No.

#953
Have you even been drunk before?

#954
- No, but... - Give me this.

#955
- What? - Can we get some bitches up in here?

#956
'Cause it's just boys right now.

#957
No, you can't get any bitches up here.

#958
This is my parents' bedroom.

#959
- What the f***, bro? Some privacy! - Shit, shit, shit!

#960
And that is a really gross three-way.

#961
But what was the girl in the back doing?

#962
Warehouse rave in Ellsworth.

#963
Cool, yeah.

#964
Hey, man, thank you for the hospitality,

#965
but we got to get going. You know how it is, yeah?

#966
Dude, tell me about it.

#967
Is it ready? He's gonna leave right now.

#968
It's extracting right now.

#969
Dude, it's now or never! Is it ready or not?

#970
Read this. "Please wait. Extracting data from SIM card."

#971
Shit! It's a bust.

#972
- Keep it casual. - Yeah.

#973
- Go with the flow, dude. - Cool, man.

#974
- I don't like to make plans or whatever. - You got it.

#975
- Thank you again, though, man. - All right.

#976
Eric, Eric, Eric. Hey, man, what's up?

#977
Hey, why you here, Scott?

#978
What, Kennedy High isn't having any parties tonight?

#979
No, I heard you guys were partying with some new stuff.

#980
Wanted to know your hookup so me and my boys can get in on it.

#981
Got other commitments on that front, so, you know...

#982
I wasn't asking.

#983
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#984
Take five, take five, man, let me get this. I got this.

#985
- Yeah? You sure? - I got this one.

#986
Hey, big player, I don't know who you are.

#987
- Don't worry about who I am. - I'm worried about it.

#988
- Why? - 'Cause you're at my party now, dude.

#989
This is my temple, this is where I come to find peace, dawg,

#990
and you're coming in here like an emotional bull in a china shop,

#991
metaphorically knocking over vases, messing with my crew,

#992
and I'm like, "What, Scott, what, Scott, what, what, what, what, Scott?"

#993
- It's that kind of party? - Yeah, dude.

#994
Matter of fact, it's getting hot in here, huh?

#995
- No, it's getting real. - It's getting very real.

#996
Yeah. It's like seven strangers living in one house. True story.

#997
- You want Real World? - Yeah, let's do it, man.

#998
- Come on. What's your Real... - Here's Real World.

#999
What was that? Did you hear that?

#1000
Real enough for you?

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