Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S07E03 — Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 7, Episode 3 — Frank Reynolds' Little Beauties

#1
No. We never had kings in this country.

#2
No.

#3
That was the whole point of this country

#4
- is that we didn't want a king. - We didn't want the king.

#5
Shit! Son of a bitch! Guys, guys, guys!

#6
Oh!

#7
- Oh! - Are you okay?

#8
- Oh! - Oh!

#9
Oh!

#10
I think you broke your nose.

#11
I'm screwed. I'm screwed.

#12
Ah!

#13
Oh, strange man, titty bar.

#14
A great investment opportunity.

#15
Beauty pageant.

#16
- Are you getting it? - Yeah, yeah, I think I got this.

#17
You met a strange man at a titty bar

#18
who offered you a great opportunity to invest in a beauty pageant?

#19
Everything looked very legit.

#20
It was all in place. He had all the connections.

#21
He wanted somebody to front the money, me.

#22
Okay, fine. I've always wanted to do a beauty pageant.

#23
Stop. Why?

#24
Because you make a lot of cash,

#25
and you ogle some broads.

#26
Yeah. I don't question that aspect of it.

#27
Yeah, that seems right up your alley, bro.

#28
Oh, this jerk gets pinched

#29
for coming on to one of the contestants,

#30
and now it looks like a whole scam.

#31
And if I don't legitimize this thing,

#32
everybody's gonna think I'm just like him.

#33
Why don't you just drop the whole thing?

#34
I can't, Charlie. It's already going. It's in motion.

#35
I mean, it's really a mess.

#36
Any second now,

#37
there's gonna be broads walking through that door

#38
- in swimsuits. - Awesome.

#39
That's a good thing.

#40
I don't see what the problem is here, Frank.

#41
Oh, oh, oh!

#42
Looks like somebody forgot their swimsuit.

#43
Come on, girls.

#44
That's the problem.

#45
A kids' pageant?

#46
- I didn't know. - Are you kidding me?

#47
I didn't know it was a kids' pageant.

#48
The guy didn't make that clear.

#49
Now I'm lumped in with a diddler. What am I gonna do?

#50
This is a mess.

#51
Well, I don't know what the big deal is.

#52
You know, I did pageants all the time

#53
when I was little.

#54
The big deal? The big deal is that

#55
mothers force their kids into this

#56
so that they can dress 'em up like dolls

#57
and parade them around like sex objects. It's creepy.

#58
My mother didn't force me into it.

#59
I entered them myself.

#60
Yeah, that's true. Actually, when Dee

#61
used to enter pageants when we were kids,

#62
Mom used to tell her not to waste her time,

#63
because she isn't pretty enough.

#64
Mmm-hmm. She would say that, and then I would jam it

#65
right in her face when I'd win them.

#66
How would you win pageants? Did you have a different face?

#67
No, she was a dog back then too.

#68
It's just that she worked at it.

#69
She used to go to tanning, and she practiced with her makeup.

#70
I'll give you that. You did a lot of that practicing.

#71
Thanks, Frank.

#72
Yeah, yeah, you guys got to change your thinking about child pageants.

#73
Child pageants, that's American tradition right there.

#74
Child pageantry?

#75
Think about it. In other countries, okay,

#76
women that can't show their ankles, right?

#77
They got to be in those big black tarps or whatever.

#78
- Mmm-hmm. - In America,

#79
we can show toddlers in tiny bikinis. We can make them tan,

#80
- because that's our right. - Mmm-hmm.

#81
As Americans, okay?

#82
Child pageantry is an essential part of the American fabric.

#83
You know what? We should dress up our little kids.

#84
Just to show other people that we can.

#85
- Yeah. - Mmm-hmm.

#86
I never thought about it that way.

#87
- This is about freedom, isn't it? - Mmm-hmm.

#88
We can do whatever we want with our kids.

#89
- Yeah. - And that's what America is all about.

#90
You know what you just did, Charlie?

#91
You just loaded up that train with coal,

#92
and now it's ready to tear down the tracks.

#93
Yes!

#94
That was inspiring as hell.

#95
Let's throw ourselves a pageant!

#96
- Let's do a child pageant. - USA.

#97
USA! USA!

#98
USA! USA! USA!

#99
Okay. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Good.

#100
Calm down, everybody. Calm down.

#101
Calm down. Thanks for coming to Frank's Little Beauties.

#102
I wanna thank you all for participating.

#103
I know some of you may have heard about that other guy.

#104
I am not gonna diddle your kids.

#105
I'm not like that. That's not my thing.

#106
- I met that guy in a titty bar. - That's enough.

#107
- It's like a... - That's enough.

#108
Hi, there. Dee Reynolds, former pageant winner.

#109
I know how these things work,

#110
so, uh, your kids are in good hands.

#111
Go ahead and talk amongst yourselves.

#112
Frank, will you.

#113
Frank, your nose is bleeding all over the place.

#114
Do I look suspicious?

#115
You look grotesque.

#116
Magic night for us

#117
A magical night

#118
"Magic's in the air."

#119
- Magic's... - Magic's in the air

#120
- See, this is fun. - Yeah.

#121
We shouldn't be looking at this pageant as a problem.

#122
We should be looking at this as an opportunity

#123
to do something we've never done before.

#124
This is right in our wheelhouse.

#125
I'm having a blast putting this...

#126
hey, I'm thinking maybe we could actually be in this thing.

#127
I'm glad you said it, because I'm desperate to be in this thing.

#128
Oh!

#129
I didn't realize it was even a conversation.

#130
I always assumed we would be heavily involved.

#131
This is bad.

#132
We gotta definitely write a song about how we do not diddle kids.

#133
Do not diddle kids

#134
It's no good diddling kids

#135
There is no quicker way for people to think that you are diddling kids

#136
than by writing a song about it.

#137
You gotta write a song. It's like...

#138
Ooh, I wouldn't do it with anybody younger than my daughter

#139
And no little kids

#140
Gotta be big, older than my wife

#141
Older than my daughter

#142
Something like that.

#143
- Don't write a song about that. - No.

#144
I'm cloudy. I got a headache.

#145
Uh, excuse me. Who's in charge here?

#146
Well, usually that's whoever yells the loudest,

#147
but I am the only one here right now, so I am in charge.

#148
Oh, hi. Uh, my name is Walter Harris.

#149
Hi.

#150
I'm with the family association

#151
for the protection of children.

#152
No! Ooh, ooh.

#153
Okay.

#154
Uh, you know, I'm... I'm pretty much...

#155
I'm in charge of this, the chairs and...

#156
- setting up the chairs. - Mmm.

#157
But there's a guy. Uh, there's a fat guy.

#158
Uh, his face is busted to bits, and he's in charge.

#159
He's the guy that you wanna talk to.

#160
He might be this way, so I'll go...

#161
I'm gonna go back here and look for him.

#162
Uh, you check it out around the corner.

#163
Real jacked up face, and fat.

#164
So, how's everyone doing today? Is everyone feeling safe?

#165
The FAPC, huh?

#166
That's what he said.

#167
They're siccing the dogs after us. We're screwed.

#168
Hey, we're fine, Frank.

#169
- We got nothing to hide. - Yeah, you know what?

#170
To be honest with you, I'm glad he's gonna observe us.

#171
I mean, somebody should be looking out for these kids.

#172
Yeah, those mothers just left their kids here in a bar,

#173
with complete strangers in a pageant that's under investigation.

#174
They're terrible parents.

#175
- Yeah. - This is a mess!

#176
Frank, why don't you go lay down and put some ice on your face,

#177
'cause you look terrible.

#178
Jesus, Frank, fix your face, for God's sake.

#179
Relax.

#180
- Go. Go. - We'll take care of everything in here.

#181
- Everything's gonna be fine, Frank. - Yeah, we got it. We got it.

#182
It's all gonna be fine.

#183
Now, you pinned the whole thing on him, right?

#184
Oh, yeah, of course I did.

#185
- Good, good, good. - Good thinking.

#186
Okay, ladies, chins up,

#187
hands down, step forward.

#188
One, two, three. One, two.

#189
Fan, turn.

#190
Hit it! Stick it! Let me see it!

#191
Pose!

#192
Come on! Hit the line. Get in line.

#193
What is this? Guys, we gotta put on a show!

#194
I thought you were professionals.

#195
That's what I'm looking for,

#196
and I don't see professionals.

#197
I see amateurs.

#198
I see trash.

#199
Little pieces of trash on my stage.

#200
You guys are dummies. It's not even hard.

#201
You are dumb.

#202
It's not hard.

#203
Samantha's mean.

#204
Samantha gets to be mean.

#205
Because Samantha is a star, okay?

#206
Maybe one day you'll be a star,

#207
but right now you're not. You're junk.

#208
I have to go to the bathroom.

#209
You belong in the bathroom.

#210
Go! Let's take a five. Let's take a break.

#211
I'm so upset. Are you okay? You're doing great.

#212
We'll be dressed very stylishly for the performance.

#213
It's gonna be a great performance, Walter, very classy.

#214
I look forward to seeing it. Just make sure that the children are featured.

#215
That is who this is about.

#216
- Yeah. - Yeah.

#217
It's about the kids.

#218
- Absolutely. All about the kids, yeah. - Absolutely, yeah. No, totally.

#219
Hey, Walter, you wanna come sit with us?

#220
Yeah, come sit with...

#221
- You lost him. - Hello, everybody.

#222
He's all business, that guy, you know?

#223
He is all over us, man.

#224
We gotta put on a good show, you guys. We got to.

#225
Hello.

#226
That was some pretty impressive work out there, Samantha.

#227
Excuse me. I'm eating my lunch.

#228
Well, don't get sassy with me.

#229
I'm trying to pay you a compliment.

#230
You know, I see a lot of myself in you.

#231
You're not like me. You're ugly.

#232
You don't... That's not something you say.

#233
You're mean. You're the meanest girl in the world.

#234
Okay, you know what?

#235
You better thank your lucky stars I'm not in this competition

#236
because I would eat you for breakfast.

#237
You're driving me nuts.

#238
I don't like your hair. It's dumb.

#239
Your hair looks like it's dead.

#240
All right, that's it.

#241
You listen to me. All hair is technically dead,

#242
you stupid idiot smarty-pants, stupid, stupid idiot.

#243
You better watch yourself, Samantha. Do you hear me?

#244
Because I am coming for you.

#245
- Knock, knock. - Who's there?

#246
Terrible breath.

#247
Wheezing.

#248
Dude, you're wheezing now. Slow down.

#249
Breathe and eat separately.

#250
This is what America is about, okay?

#251
Being able to eat at any rate you want to eat.

#252
Shut up.

#253
Stop making all of these things about America.

#254
You're fat, not because of America...

#255
Can we just change the conversation?

#256
Can we just focus on something else?

#257
Did you guys see the boy that's here?

#258
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

#259
I mean, what's that all about?

#260
I imagine Dad probably skipped town.

#261
Mom always wanted a daughter,

#262
so she sticks her little boy in the pageant, right,

#263
so she can play out her little fantasies about having a little girl.

#264
That kid does not want to be here, you know.

#265
A kid like this needs guidance.

#266
He needs real men showing him what it's like...

#267
Would you like to see my dance?

#268
Uh, yeah.

#269
- Yeah. - Sure.

#270
I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy

#271
A Yankee Doodle, do or die

#272
A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam...

#273
I don't think this boy is being pushed into this at all.

#274
This is a boy who genuinely loves pageantry.

#275
Yeah.

#276
You know what? I bet he's never won one of these.

#277
We should help him win. For once, let's let

#278
- the boys in America win. - Totally.

#279
Well, maybe we could make a few adjustments to the song,

#280
maybe update it a little bit.

#281
Yes, the song needs an update.

#282
All these old patriotic songs need updates.

#283
Yeah. They're like 200 years old. That's why nobody wants to listen to 'em.

#284
I am that Yankee Doodle boy

#285
- Hey! - All right, man.

#286
All right, hey.

#287
Good job, Benjamin.

#288
- Hey, Justine. - Hey.

#289
Hey, can we talk for just a quick sec?

#290
Yeah, I really need to do my homework, but...

#291
I know, but I'm the adult and I said we were gonna talk,

#292
so that's what's gonna happen.

#293
Listen, I bet you wish you could win this pageant, don't you?

#294
My mom says I'm not pretty enough.

#295
Your mom doesn't know dick. She's a dumb, fat cow. And your sister,

#296
she is a stupid little shit-mouthed bitch, isn't she?

#297
You just said a lot of bad words.

#298
Here's what's gonna happen, Justine.

#299
You are gonna win this pageant.

#300
You are gonna win this pageant!

#301
And I am gonna be the one who pushes you to do it.

#302
What do you think about that? Are you excited?

#303
Are you excited about that?

#304
Yeah, I don't really care about any of that.

#305
I know, but it's not what you care about. It's what I care about.

#306
- Okay. - Okay, ready?

#307
Oh, we got a lot of work to do.

#308
Screw this homework, right? Come on!

#309
- Great to see you. - Pleasure to meet you.

#310
- Thank you so much. - Thank you very much.

#311
Guys, Walter's here. He looks very pleased.

#312
- Good. Good. He should. This is like... - Yeah.

#313
- Okay, good. - I'm here.

#314
- Oh. - What on earth did you do to your face?

#315
I had it done at a funeral home.

#316
Why? Why? Why?

#317
Where in the hell am I gonna go,

#318
to the goddamn makeup counter at Macy's?

#319
You go to a funeral home to get gruesome repairs.

#320
Look.

#321
You look like you're at your own wake.

#322
Frank. Frank,

#323
I need some water.

#324
My mouth is dry.

#325
Your mouth is dry.

#326
Go into the toilet and run your mouth under the sink.

#327
- Okay. - Yeah, can I? Could I? Can I?

#328
- I have a... - Who's that?

#329
He's the mortician. I invited him.

#330
Oh, you brought the mortician. Well, that's not gonna

#331
seem strange to anybody at all.

#332
I figure he's a cretin.

#333
Why would I have a cretin like that near me if I had something to hide?

#334
Hmm.

#335
Associating with a man like that's not gonna make you look any better.

#336
Hey, hey, hey. You're on in five.

#337
- Oh, whoa. - Good.

#338
Artemis, what are you doing here?

#339
She's working the soundboard, okay?

#340
- Relax. - Is that a good idea?

#341
Does she know how to work a soundboard?

#342
Who else are we gonna get?

#343
- We don't have a very deep bench, Dee. - Okay.

#344
- I'm gonna go get high before the show. - Okay.

#345
- Seems like a bad idea. - Don't get high. It's making us look bad.

#346
I'm sweatin' like a pig. I gotta get my makeup redone.

#347
- Okay, showtime, showtime. - Let's get ready, guys.

#348
Showtime, showtime, showtime.

#349
- Whoa! - Showtime.

#350
Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

#351
Give me a beat.

#352
Magic's in the air

#353
Magic's in the air

#354
- Lace and silk is everywhere - Lace and silk

#355
- Struttin' with dramatic flair - Dramatic flair

#356
And bright smiles

#357
So everyone prepare

#358
For something special tonight

#359
Here she is

#360
Frank's Little Beauties

#361
Your heart'll go into a cardiac arrest

#362
Cause Frank's Little Beauties

#363
Are nothing but the from state to state and town to town

#364
These girls will turn your frown upside down

#365
Uh-huh, uh-huh

#366
Who's brass and class and all that stuff?

#367
These girls'll show you that they're good enough

#368
They're good, all right

#369
So put your hands together and settle in

#370
'Cause tonight we're gettin' down

#371
Only one contestant wins

#372
Frank's Little Beauties crown

#373
Is that it, Artemis?

#374
Very nice performance.

#375
Very nice and clean performance.

#376
Welcome.

#377
Welcome to our legitimate

#378
show of kids.

#379
Uh, very, very, very nice.

#380
Which one of these talented,

#381
uh, entertainers,

#382
who I am not attracted to at all,

#383
will be the winner?

#384
I'm not attracted to any of them,

#385
none of them.

#386
And that's the way it is.

#387
Anyway, everybody put your hands together and clap for the kids.

#388
Clap. Clap.

#389
And you wave goodbye.

#390
Wave. Wave goodbye.

#391
Go to your dressing rooms. We're gonna start the show.

#392
- Go on. - Bye, Frank.

#393
Okay, just don't touch. Go on in there.

#394
- Their dressing room... - Bye, Frank.

#395
...over there on that side of the stage.

#396
I am going to my dressing room.

#397
We will be right back. I'm over here.

#398
Aw!

#399
Ow! My hair hurts.

#400
I know. I know. Mine too. We look good.

#401
Okay, finish up that coffee.

#402
I don't like it.

#403
You do too like it.

#404
It doesn't matter whether you like it or not.

#405
You need to be high energy, okay?

#406
Do you wanna win this thing or not?

#407
I don't care.

#408
Yes, you do care, all right? Pop your teeth in.

#409
- Pop your teeth in right now. - Really?

#410
Let's see 'em.

#411
You look fantastic.

#412
Now let's go show those stupid moms, huh?

#413
- Mmm. - Come on.

#414
Moms stink

#415
P.U.

#416
What are you gonna do?

#417
Yeah!

#418
Me and you should go into a secret world

#419
Where no one tells us what to do

#420
Moms are stupid

#421
Doy!

#422
I'd like to throw them all in the trash

#423
Yeah!

#424
They're nothing but a big humongous pain in the butt

#425
A big, humongous pain in my vagina

#426
Moms are ugly

#427
Boo!

#428
People of earth,

#429
prepare for the future of patriotism.

#430
Yankee Doodle went to town

#431
Riding on a pony

#432
Stuck a feather in his cap

#433
And called it macaroni

#434
Rone, rone, rone, rone

#435
Rone, rone, rone

#436
Hey!

#437
Yankee, Yankee, Yankee, Yankee Doodle

#438
Yankee, Yankee, Yankee, Yankee Doodle

#439
Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.

#440
The only thing we have to fear is

#441
fear itself.

#442
Hey, hey, what is this?

#443
- What are you people doing to my son? - Go back to your seat.

#444
All right, who's in charge here?

#445
Sir, go back to your seat.

#446
Stuck a feather in his cap

#447
And called it macaroni

#448
Rone, rone

#449
Someone should have worn a shirt, right?

#450
Probably the kid.

#451
The kid definitely.

#452
- Yeah. - It felt uncomfortable.

#453
But at a rave, I feel like that would have been awesome.

#454
- I know, but the kids make it weird. - It did get a little weird.

#455
I can't figure this tie out here.

#456
I got... I got a question about you morticians.

#457
You bang the dead bodies?

#458
Mmm... No.

#459
Imagine stuff like that goes on all the time, right.

#460
I mean, I don't give a shit.

#461
If I was dead, you could bang me all you want.

#462
Who cares?

#463
Dead body's like a piece of trash. I mean

#464
- Shove as much shit in there as you want. - Turn his mike down.

#465
I'm trying. I don't know how.

#466
- You don't know how? - I don't know which one it is!

#467
Fill me up with cream. Turn me into cannoli.

#468
- What's going on, you idiot? - Make a stew out of my ass.

#469
What's the big deal?

#470
Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river.

#471
Who gives a shit? You're dead, you're dead.

#472
Oh! Ooh, shit.

#473
Is my mic on?

#474
- Oh, God. - Oh.

#475
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

#476
That was a mistake.

#477
The janitor got ahold of the PA system.

#478
Puerto Rican guy.

#479
You know, the kids are great. Uh, I love the kids.

#480
Not in a sexual way.

#481
No, I was married 20 years, and she was a bitch,

#482
but she was old, and I never had a problem getting it up with her.

#483
What is this?

#484
Get the girls.

#485
Well, wait. All right, Artemis,

#486
could you, um, give me a little music, please?

#487
- Play something nice. - Play something.

#488
- Play him out of here. Play some music. - Yeah, okay, okay.

#489
It's a grand old flag a high fly...

#490
I don't know this. I do not know this one.

#491
Give me something like...

#492
Walter, come up and help me and, uh, help the people.

#493
- Let's just leave. - Yeah, let's go.

#494
Let's go, 'cause this is a bad...

#495
I just want you to be having a great time.

#496
- Police. - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

#497
Whoa. Oh, that's it.

#498
I'm done. I'm going away.

#499
Get your hands off me, pigs.

#500
Why are you taking Walter?

#501
Man's a diddler.

#502
Sick son of a bitch goes around to all these kids' pageants,

#503
pretends he's an inspector.

#504
We've been looking for him for a while.

#505
I'm just glad we finally got him off the street.

#506
You got your man.

#507
So, there's another unrelated diddler in the mix?

#508
Well, these things are just magnets for those people.

#509
It's like throwing a picnic at the beach

#510
and getting pissed when the seagulls show up.

#511
- Yeah, you have to expect it. - Totally.

#512
I tell you, children's beauty pageants are an American tradition,

#513
- but not a proud one. - Nope.

#514
- I'm gonna go. - Me too.

#515
Let's go, because it still doesn't...

#516
Wait! Wait! Who won?

#517
Uh, um, Samantha.

#518
- She's the prettiest, right? - Yeah.

#519
- Come on. - Yeah.

#520
Yay! I'm the winner!

#521
Yankee, Yankee, Yankee, Yankee Doodle

#522
Yankee, Yankee, Yankee, Yankee Doodle

#523
Yankee Doodle went to town

#524
Riding on a pony

#525
Stuck a feather in his cap

#526
And called it macaroni

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