Home » Scrubs » S01E01 — My First Day

Scrubs

Season 1, Episode 1 — My First Day

#1
[beeping]

#5
[growls]

#7
It's my first day.

#8
I'm the man.

#11
Could you go drop an NG tube on the patient in 234

#12
and call the attending if the lavage is positive?

#13
...I don't know Jack.

#16
♪ I'm no Superman ♪

#17
So this is my story.

#18
I'm supposed to be up in intensive care.

#19
Good, we just turfed him there.

#21
but orientation yesterday...

#23
The hospital doesn't wanna be sued.

#24
Being sued is not a good thing.

#25
- Hey, Turk? - What's up?

#26
You know how I'm totally down with the rap music?

#27
Dude, be whiter.

#31
Here's the thing. Tupac, DMX, Dr. Dre,

#32
in most of their songs, these artists use an extremely volatile racial slur...

#33
- The "N" word. - I got it.

#34
Right. My question is this: if we're both singing along,

#35
and knowing otherwise I would never use the word,

#36
- am I allowed to say... - No.

#37
That's good for me to know. I didn't know that.

#38
Finally, doctors, if there is a mistake,

#39
don't admit it to the patient.

#40
Of course, if the patient is deceased, and you're sure,...

#41
you can feel free to tell him or her... anything.

#42
[laughs nervously]

#43
Hey, I found us an apartment.

#44
Okay, gang, I'm Dr. Bob Kelso, and I'm your Chief of Medicine,

#45
so I just want to encourage you all to think of me as your safety net.

#46
Because I promise you, we're a family here.

#47
Now, then, go get 'em, doctors.

#48
The surgical interns are gonna go grab a beer.

#49
The medical interns are having a Pac-Man tournament.

#50
Apparently, we're all twelve.

#51
I love Pac-Man.

#52
Me, too. I love watching it, I, I, I love playing it,

#53
I love all of it.

#54
- I'm Elliot. - [as E.T.] Ell-i-ot...

#55
Yeah, don't do that.

#56
I'm J.D. This is Turk.

#57
Elliot, are you medical or surgical?

#58
Medical.

#59
[thinks] Ha-ha! Hello.

#60
Every male in my family is a doctor.

#61
My dad, granddad, brother. That's why Dad gave me a guy's name,

#62
made me play sports, date girls. I'm joking.

#63
I know. I would've laughed if you'd paused.

#64
Anyway, I know what you're thinking.

#66
- No, you don't. - I'm Miss "Hyper-Competitive."

#67
It used to be a big problem for me. Used to. Past tense.

#68
Hey.

#69
Are we, like, racing?

#70
Yes!

#71
Please, I'm not that desperate.

#72
No!

#73
[cheering]

#74
- [pants] - So, you do a lot of cardio?

#75
Oh, yes.

#76
Elliot Reid? John Dorian? Great.

#77
One, I am your resident, Dr. Jeffrey Steadman. Not "Jeff".

#78
Two, here are your manuals.

#80
I am a tool. I am a tool. I am a tool, tool, tool.

#81
- An unbelievably annoying tool. - Yeah.

#82
Yeah. Finally, these are your beepers. From now on, they control your life.

#83
Okay? Thanks. Move it.

#85
- I was, uh, I was paged. - Oh, first day, Bambi?

#86
Carla will take care of you. Don't look at me when we're moving someone.

#87
Why?

#88
- We're waiting for Dr. Cox. - [J.D.] Hi, doctor...

#89
- Place an IV for me. - We'll talk later.

#90
Carla, can I ask you a question?

#91
Do you spray the perfume on or fill your bathtub up

#92
- and splash around in it? - I smell nice.

#95
[whistles] Time's up. Carla, will you do it?

#96
- I need an ABG. - Why are you telling her?

#97
- Shut up and watch. - Be nice to Bambi.

#98
Why has this gomer got to try and die every day during my lunch?

#99
- That's a little insensitive. - [thunder]

#100
Mistake.

#101
Man's 92, has full dementia. He doesn't know we're here.

#102
He is inches from Carla's rack and hasn't even flinched.

#103
- Aw, that is so sweet. - Yeah, it is.

#104
What about his subconscious?

#105
Eisenhower... was a sissy.

#106
I think by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay.

#107
Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room,

#108
you're definitely not allowed to talk.

#109
Now, Dr. Dorian, can you tell me what ailment most often...

#111
- [bell] - What is uremia?

#112
That's my boy. Hey, nice clean job on the foley catheter.

#115
Dr. Reid, you're late.

#116
I got puked on.

#117
You're off the hook if you can tell me what to look for in a uremic patient.

#118
Anyway, I'm going for it.

#119
- [whispers] Infection. - Infection?

#120
That's my girl. Moving on.

#121
- I knew the answer. - I'm sure you did.

#122
- I'm just frazzled. - How could you not be?

#123
- With the... - I know, yeah.

#124
Thanks. If there's anything I can do for you...

#125
You could let me take you to dinner tomorrow night.

#126
Around seven?

#127
Or eight?

#128
Why not?

#129
Nice!

#131
"Why not?"

#132
Daddy, why did you marry Mommy?

#134
and she screwed my brains out.

#136
[more laughter]

#137
[TV audience whoops]

#139
Did you actually just page me

#140
to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs. Lenzer?

#141
I was worried it could exacerbate...

#142
It's regular-strength Tylenol. Here's what you do.

#143
Get her to open her mouth, take a handful, and throw it at her.

#144
Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.

#145
And under no circumstances are you to compromise our no-talking agreement.

#146
Dr. Kelso is always saying "You gotta stay posi..."

#147
I'm gonna go ahead and say this just as carefully as possible,

#148
so I don't overstate it.

#149
Dr. Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet

#150
and may in fact be Satan himself.

#151
It's just that this isn't what I expected, you know?

#152
Most of my patients are...

#153
older, and sorta checked-out, mentally.

#154
Pumpkin, that's modern medicine.

#155
Advances that keep people alive who should've died a long time ago.

#156
Back when they lost what made them people.

#157
Now, your job is to stay sane enough

#158
so when someone does come in that you actually can help,

#159
you're not so brain-dead you can't function.

#160
For the love of God, what?

#161
Should we be talking about this in front of...

#162
Her? She's dead.

#163
Write this down, newbie. If you push around a stiff,

#164
nobody'll ask you to do anything.

#165
You've been like a father to me.

#166
Fair enough. Want some real advice?

#167
If they find out nurses are doing your procedures,

#168
you'll be kicked out so quick, your head will spin.

#169
And there it is.

#170
Have a terrific day.

#171
I'm not really dead.

#172
Okay, Bambi, here's Mrs. Lenzer's tox screen,...

#174
- I am such a stud. - Probably not.

#175
This morning, I had my hands inside of a guy's chest.

#176
I couldn't even see them. I should not be allowed to do stuff like that.

#177
Wassup?

#178
- You weren't scared? - One way or another,

#179
everyone stops bleeding.

#180
- That is so deep. - No, it isn't.

#181
It's a little deep.

#182
Hey, about the apartment...

#183
T-Man! [roars]

#184
[Turk laughs] What up, boy, how you doing?

#185
- All right. - Todd, J.D.

#186
J.D., this is my man Todd.

#187
What's goin'... Ow!

#192
You got a stain. [laughs]

#193
...we're the chess club.

#194
[Muzak]

#195
I just have bad gas. What are you testing me for?

#196
We need to know if your gas could be harmful to others.

#197
[ding]

#198
He's just scared. Talk to him.

#199
Look, Mr. Burski, I heard a systolic murmur in your heart,

#200
which is most likely nothing, but if I don't check you out,

#201
- I'll worry about you all day. - Then I'll do it. For you.

#202
You're a good man.

#204
Dr. Farley, call O.B.G.Y.N.

#205
I'm waiting for someone.

#206
The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.

#207
Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.

#208
- Why a penny? - I don't know.

#209
- Did you stick a penny in it? - No, I was making small talk.

#210
If I find a penny in there,... I'm taking you down.

#211
Welcome to rounds, kids.

#213
She is my dream girl.

#214
The necrosis and infected stool

#215
most likely indicate what, Dr. Dorian?

#216
[ticking]

#217
[horn]

#218
[whispers] I don't know.

#219
Sir, I have no idea.

#220
Dr. Reid, can you help him out?

#221
I'd say it's superior mesenteric insufficiency.

#222
[horn]

#223
That's my girl. Patient number two.

#224
"I'd say it's superior..." [babbles]

#225
[reggae music]

#227
- Circles for you. - Shut up and do it.

#229
This needle's too big. I'm gonna get a nurse.

#230
Learn by doing. Learn by doing.

#232
Okay, maybe the needle was a little too big.

#233
- [J.D.] You think? - What's going on down there?

#234
Nothing, ma'am. This is totally normal.

#235
So are you gonna move your stuff in or what?

#236
That's why I came by. I think it's better if we both branched out a little.

#238
Yeah. I feel the same way.

#239
[reggae grows louder]

#240
So what's it like being a young hotshot doctor?

#241
It's like, did you ever go see a movie everyone told you was great

#242
then because of all the expectations,

#243
you ended up disappointed?

#244
Movies nowadays have too many special effects.

#245
Yeah, that was pretty much my point.

#250
What, am I crazy?

#251
Ah!

#252
You chicken.

#254
Charged. Clear.

#255
- [screams in agony] - Oh, my God!

#257
I thought we cared about each other...

#258
If you didn't want to sleep with me, you'd have done the same.

#259
The last thing I wanna do is sleep with you now.

#260
- Do me right here. - Okay.

#261
- See? - [growls]

#262
[door handle clicks]

#263
Right. Pass me a trach kit.

#264
Thanks.

#265
Our date is, is totally canceled.

#268
and she kicked me. Hard.

#270
Come on, I got like ten minutes to sleep.

#271
Wait.

#272
Tell me if I'm going too fast, okay?

#273
Lose the clothes.

#276
Damn, this is hot.

#277
Nice.

#278
Your turn.

#279
No, I gotta get back, but very nice.

#280
Oh, hey, Bambi. [chuckles]

#281
So, uh, I'll call you, okay?

#282
- Give me a big "ahh". - Ahh.

#283
- A big-boy "ahh". - [louder] Ahh.

#284
Turk practically had sex in the on-call room.

#285
You realize, of course, I have no idea who Turk is,

#286
but good for him.

#287
You see, Billy, it turns out that sex is life-affirming.

#288
Now, what do you say, Champ, got a urine sample for me?

#289
But I just did five minutes ago.

#290
I know you did, but here's the thing.

#291
Take this cup, put it on the ground, close your eyes,

#292
and just go nuts. What do you say?

#293
- Cool! - Attaboy. Go get 'em, Champ.

#294
- Why are you here? - Seems like a good kid.

#295
Worried about being on call tonight, aren't you?

#296
Yeah.

#297
Look, worst-case scenario,

#298
you kill somebody,

#299
and that hangs over your head the rest of your life.

#300
But that is the absolute worst-case scenario.

#301
Just have the nurses do all the stuff you're still too chicken to do,

#302
which I assume is everything, and if you have a really rough admission...

#303
Call you?

#304
No, I was gonna say go hide in the closet again.

#305
- [flushing] - [Billy] Yeehaw! This is fun.

#306
- [man] Hey, nurse? - I'm a doctor, okay?

#307
The stethoscope, the beeper, a doctor, got it?

#308
- Relax. - I just hate it.

#309
I hate "darlings" and "sweethearts".

#310
You don't need to tell me how hard it is being a woman around here.

#311
You're furthering the cause by wearing a thong and hooking up in the on-call room.

#312
- [screeching of tires] - Word gets around.

#313
You talk like that, do you even know my name?

#314
I spend every second of my life either here or taking care of my mom,

#315
so, yeah, maybe I needed a little closeness.

#316
I'm sure you never had a quickie at the club, right?

#317
Or snuck some skinny, flat-butted college boy up to your sorority room.

#318
And my thong? I happen to think it makes my ass look good.

#319
And some days, I need to feel good about something here.

#320
And you judge me? Well, guess what?

#321
Word does get around, Ms. Out-For-Herself.

#322
So you can dump on everyone here if you want, but you will not hurt me.

#323
Her name's Carla, by the way.

#324
- [patient] Ouch. - [J.D.] Yeah.

#325
Carla.

#326
Hey, Champ. First night on call starts soon, huh?

#327
Gosh, you must be excited.

#328
[screams internally]

#329
You betcha.

#330
[chuckles] Oh, about Mrs. Pratt.

#331
I heard you wanted to put her on the hospital's transplant list.

#332
I just thought I'd recommend keeping her on dialysis a little longer.

#333
- Maybe we'll get lucky. - No problem, sir.

#334
Great. Have a ball.

#335
On call. [chuckles]

#336
Little poem for ya.

#337
- [beeping] - [sighs]

#338
[phones ring, overlapping chatter]

#339
Bambi, come on, let's go.

#340
I'll check on you every ten minutes, Mrs. Marino, okay?

#341
I need to see you in Mr. Burski's room.

#342
Are you flirting with me?

#343
You are, aren't you?

#344
He crashed. The attending thinks it was a pulmonary embolism.

#345
No way anyone could've caught it.

#346
- You have to pronounce him. - Why didn't anybody page me?

#347
Could you just pronounce him so I can go home?

#348
I'll never forget that moment.

#350
only completely different.

#352
Time of death 02:00.

#353
I just wanted to help people.

#355
Don't worry, man, you're gonna be fine.

#356
Hey. I lied before, man.

#357
I'm scared every second.

#358
Really?

#359
It's a good thing they make surgical masks, 'cause if they didn't,

#360
everyone would know my face was like this the whole time.

#361
Well, I think it's okay to be scared.

#362
I need you to tell me that every once in a while.

#363
He needs me?

#364
Anyway, I just came to check up on you, see how you're doing.

#365
Ask him to move in again.

#366
You know, Turk, the offer still stands...

#367
Yo. I already took the keys out your bag.

#368
I love you.

#370
[high-pitched] I'm watching you.

#372
I saw that you're still pushing to put Mrs. Pratt on the transplant list.

#373
Bad news, though, sport. She doesn't have the insurance to cover it.

#374
Yeah, but she's, like, a second away from total renal failure.

#375
Okay...

#376
Uh, did you ask the Burski family for permission to do an autopsy?

#377
They're still in there with him.

#378
It's a teaching hospital, son, you gotta ask.

#380
Sir, do you think I could skip just this one?

#381
Why, sure, sport.

#383
In fact, why don't you just head on home?

#384
You look kinda tired.

#385
I am pretty tired.

#386
Dr. Dorian, do you not realize

#387
that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me?

#388
The only reason I carry this chart around

#389
is so I can pretend to remember your damn names.

#390
Now, look, if the patient has insurance, you treat them.

#391
If they don't, you show them the door.

#392
And if somebody dies, you get the autopsy.

#393
Get it by rounds tomorrow morning

#394
or I'll be scratching your name off my chart. Are we clear?

#395
[demonic voice] Answer me!

#396
Crystal clear.

#397
Great, sport.

#399
[beeper]

#400
...then who's the good guy?

#401
Car accident. Crashed in the elevator on the way up.

#402
Gotta relieve the pressure on his chest. J.D., do it.

#403
Oh, God, no.

#404
Look at me. You can do this.

#405
- And I believed him. - [squeaky] Chest tube tray.

#406
You know, kind of.

#407
Come on, baby, let's go. Chop chop.

#409
J.D., cut him or lose him.

#410
Okay, give me the tube.

#411
I can't get through the pleura.

#412
Don't be gentle, get it in there.

#413
Okay, connect it, please, Carla.

#414
- Normal rhythm. - [laughs] No way.

#415
Nay? It's a piece of cake. It's your patient.

#416
You're leaving?

#417
That's your patient, doctor.

#418
Good.

#419
- That's enough. - Sorry.

#420
It's a very big moment for me.

#422
You finally off?

#423
Almost. I have one more really annoying thing I gotta do.

#424
If it's the Burski autopsy, I called the family

#425
and they said fine, and to thank you, and I'm sorry.

#426
They didn't say that last part, I did.

#428
I forgive her.

#430
I'm a dork. A dork. I'm a dork.

#433
Bambi, get out while you still can.

#434
You know, what the hell.

#437
I'm the man.

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