Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S16E07 — The Gang Goes Bowling

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 16, Episode 7 — The Gang Goes Bowling

#1
I'm-a order some chili cheese fries.

#2
- Oh, yeah? Get me some. - Anybody else want an order?

#3
A delivery of chili cheese fries?

#4
They'll be mush by the time they get here. No way.

#5
- Aah! Shit.

#6
What are you doing, man? You can't hit it that hard.

#7
You got to use more finesse.

#8
Well, finesse isn't really my style, Charlie.

#9
I like to dominate the table into submission.

#10
Dennis, I got to head out. Tip me out.

#12
What tips, Dee? What are you talking about?

#13
Hey, any of you guys tip Dee today?

#14
- For what? - Hell no.

#16
Just give me 40 bucks from the register.

#17
What do you need money for?

#18
I'm going out. I just need a little cash.

#19
Where you going?

#20
I'm going to a fancy place with some fancy new friends of mine.

#21
- What friends? - What is happening?

#22
Why is everyone asking me questions?

#23
Well, it's 'cause you're sneaking around trying

#24
to steal money that you haven't earned

#25
and looking like Carmen Sandiego.

#26
I mean, what-what are we supposed to think?

#27
- W-What are you hiding, Dee? - What?

#28
- Let me see what's under that coat. - No.

#29
- I want to see what's under it. - No.

#30
- Show me. - She's hiding something, Dennis.

#31
You want me to hold her down and rip it off her?

#33
- Okay, okay... - Stop. Stop it. Don't touch me.

#34
Don't touch me. Okay?

#35
I decided that I want to take off the coat,

#36
'cause it's hot in here.

#37
Bowling? That's the fancy outing you were, uh, hiding from us?

#38
Dee, why were you hiding that from us?

#39
Because it's my thing, okay? It's not your thing,

#40
and I don't want you guys getting involved.

#41
- As if.

#42
- As if, Dee. - As if.

#43
- As if. - As if, Dee. As if.

#44
Yeah, okay. All right.

#45
Well, I'm gonna head out. You guys enjoy sitting around

#46
with your ding-dongs in your hand doing nothing all night.

#47
Ugh.

#48
- Ding-dongs in our hand-- What is she talking--

#49
- What a bitch. God. - Yeah.

#50
My ding-dong wasn't even in my hand. I mean, what do you...

#51
- Mine was. - Yeah, so was mine.

#52
Yeah, I was scratching mine when she said that.

#53
I-I had my hands fully down my pants,

#54
if I'm being honest.

#55
I had to push it to the left.

#56
- They get itchy in there. - That's a, such a coincidence.

#57
- That is a lucky guess. - That's a crazy-- yeah.

#58
- It was a lucky guess. - It was a lucky guess.

#59
But that's not the point. Look-look, the point is...

#60
...we have a lot better things to do

#61
than just go bowling.

#62
Oh, hello, ladies. You ready to roll?

#63
Why is everybody sitting on their butts?

#64
We've been waiting here for 20 minutes.

#65
Okay, well, listen, things are just gonna be

#66
a little different if you want me on your team.

#67
I show up when I want.

#68
Well, we don't want you on our team.

#69
It's just that our fourth didn't show up

#70
and literally no one else

#71
was free on a Friday night.

#72
- So you want me to be here. - Not really.

#73
Awesome. Good.

#74
Do you have the $35 team fee?

#75
- Ooh, I do not, but I have... - Okay.

#76
...something much more valuable:

#77
my expertise.

#78
So listen to me and you'll be in business.

#79
Anyone want to snort Jell-O shots?

#81
You're on the team?

#82
Yeah, I love bowling.

#83
The whole scene is so hot.

#84
I sucked off a rando in the parking lot.

#85
Ugh, my mouth hurts.

#86
Gross. Waitress, you're responsible for this?

#87
I'm not responsible for this, but this is my team, okay?

#88
So you can't just come in here and take over,

#89
come in late, not have your money, okay?

#90
I signed us up, I booked the lane, I made us shirts.

#91
I even found us an appliance company to sponsor us.

#92
- Frige-it. -"Frige-it Bitches"?

#94
- I'm not wearing this. - No, it's so funny.

#95
- It's not funny. - We've been laughing all night.

#96
- That doesn't surprise me. Now listen up. - Okay...

#97
- We're not here to laugh or be funny. - No, thank you.

#98
- We're here to win. - Oh, God.

#99
Which you can do if you listen to me.

#100
Or perhaps I should let my balls do the talking.

#101
- Please do. - Yeah.

#102
- Hot shit, Dee.

#104
- Oh, God. - What?

#105
Pretty nice roll, Deandra.

#106
Too bad it'll be your last.

#107
Can you please just leave and let me have one thing to myself?

#108
Nah.

#109
So these, uh, "frigid bitches,"

#110
these are your new "fancy friends"?

#111
What is this, some kind of women's league?

#112
It's a coed tournament.

#113
So you'll be competing against men?

#114
Vaginas and penises together again.

#115
I'll tell you what, why don't we join this league

#116
and have ourselves a little competition?

#117
Or are you too scared that you'll lose to us?

#118
He did one, so I thought we were doing... Okay.

#119
Shit.

#120
Anyone got a straw?

#121
- I didn't know. - Okay. - It's fine. All right.

#122
- Hey! - Hey, guys? - Let's have it.

#124
- Are you kidding me? - Please tell me

#125
you guys don't own this bowling alley.

#126
We got out of the video rental business

#127
just after the bubble burst.

#128
Bowling's always been in our blood.

#129
Ryan's got the forearms

#130
of an elephant wrangler.

#131
He could have been pro.

#132
I could have been.

#133
If not for my tragic accident.

#134
The story is too horrible for words, so don't ask me...

#135
- We-we... - We're not gonna ask. We don't really care

#136
- about that, yeah. - You can keep that to yourself.

#137
I'd tell you, but you wouldn't be able to handle it.

#138
- You clearly want to tell us, but we're not here for it. - We don't want to hear it.

#139
Listen, I'm moving past this. Can we sign up for the league?

#140
- Impossible. - Why, is it too late to sign up?

#141
No, you just couldn't afford it.

#142
- How much is it? -$35.

#143
- We got that. - Well, we got that, yeah. That's fine.

#144
Each.

#145
- Uh, do you mind covering us? - That's still...

#146
W-We're good, we're good, yeah.

#147
Hey, listen, can we play the Frigid Bitches first?

#148
Sure, whatever. I don't give a shit.

#149
You guys got chili cheese fries here?

#150
Franklin, we do have chili

#151
and we do have cheese and we do have fries,

#152
but combining them is strictly prohibited.

#153
- Why? - The story is too terrible to tell.

#154
- Oh, for Christ's sake. Nobody cares. - Oh, Christ's sake.

#155
- Sign us up for the league. - We won't combine the fries.

#156
Make sure we're playing the Frigid Bitches.

#157
Yeah, give us some shoes. W-What size shoe...

#158
- All right, how you doing? - We'll get the shoes.

#159
Three, two, one and smile.

#160
- Great.

#161
- Okay. - Let me check that picture.

#162
- How's my ass look? - Okay.

#163
- That looks pretty good.

#164
Oh, it looks huge. Sick.

#165
Can we take another? I wasn't sufficiently in character.

#166
- In character? - Yes, character.

#167
I'm researching a character I'm playing

#168
named Donna Brunswick of the Brunswick Bowling Dynasty.

#169
Oh, goddamn. You guys are not taking this seriously.

#170
Okay? Let's cut the BS.

#171
As your leader, I demand we cut the BS.

#172
Now let's talk order.

#173
I'm thinking Snail, Artemis,

#175
that you're not the leader and you can't be the leader

#176
'cause you don't even know everyone's names.

#177
Mm, can you switch mine to "Donna"?

#179
the Frigid Bitches are going up against the Hanging Monster Dong

#180
Lucky Strike Chili Cheese Fryers.

#181
Is that your name? That's really stupid.

#182
- It's too many ideas, man. - I told you it was stupid.

#183
I-I knew they were gonna make fun of us

#184
- and they did make fun of us. - Yeah, 'cause it's stupid.

#185
You know what? Uh, but it doesn't matter,

#186
'cause you guys are dead meat.

#187
Hey, did Dee happen to tell you the history

#188
of her experience with bowling?

#190
- You tell them, you tell them. - Tell them, tell them. - I-I was about to.

#191
- I don't know. - Oh, you were? - I was about to. Yes.

#193
- Are we doing laughs? - Yeah, uh, no. I'll just tell it.

#194
- He's gonna tell you. - Okay, well, when she was a kid,

#195
she was, well, she was pretty decent.

#196
And I got to say, she worked really, really hard at it.

#197
So, she eventually became the captain of the girls' team.

#198
Can you believe that?

#199
Now, I'm no fan of women's sports.

#200
- Who is? - Yeah, they're not very popular. - Nobody is.

#201
Nobody watches-- Especially women.

#202
Women don't even like women's sports.

#203
So I wouldn't have it.

#204
And to prove that Dee's female mind

#205
was mentally weak,

#206
I started to go watch her,

#207
and I would say, "gutter ball"

#208
right before she rolled it, and wouldn't you know it,

#209
every time I said it,

#210
she'd roll a gutter ball.

#211
Since then,

#212
if I even so much as look at Dee when she bowls,

#213
she can't knock down a single pin.

#214
Not even one.

#215
Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration.

#216
Anyway, good luck out there.

#218
- Gentlemen.

#219
- That was so good. - That was really good.

#220
That was really good, Dennis.

#221
All right, I'm looking at their lineup and I'm wondering

#222
who should lead us off against Snail.

#223
I'll start. It'll be good

#224
to show our power and dominance, you know,

#225
- for intimidation. - Uh, Frank?

#226
You should go against Artemis. She's next.

#227
Okay? And-and you should go up after that, 'cause it's

#228
The Waitress, and you're gonna irritate the shit

#229
- out of her and that-that's a good thing, okay? - Yeah.

#230
Oh, shit.

#232
Some kid's having, like, a birthday party in the arcade

#233
- or something. - Okay. So what?

#234
- It looks fun. - Charlie, do not be that guy

#235
that everyone's looking for when it's their turn.

#236
- Oh, yeah. Yeah. - That shit drives me crazy.

#237
- Please don't be that guy. - Yeah. Yeah.

#238
Okay, I'll go last against Dee because it's gonna be

#239
- a lot of fun getting in her head, so...

#240
It's gonna really mess her up. It's gonna be awesome.

#241
All right. Hands in, boys. Say it on three.

#243
- Chili Cheese Fryers!

#244
- Cheese fries. Yeah. - Oh, now I should go...

#245
- Let's do it, bud.

#246
Let's go, man.

#247
Stride, stride, stride, execute.

#248
- Okay, not bad, not bad, Mac. - Not bad.

#249
Not bad, dude.

#250
Come on, Snail.

#251
What the...

#252
What? What?

#253
Okay,

#254
why are you so happy right now?

#255
Gail. What the hell was that?

#256
- Ooh, my cooter's on fire for Mac. - Ew.

#257
I want to have his baby.

#258
Your cooter is most likely on fire from a yeast infection.

#259
Go in the bathroom, rinse it out and be better next time.

#260
Dennis, cover me. Cover me.

#261
Ryan's eyeballing me and I'm trying to mix these.

#262
- I can't do that right now. - What? Just go, go...

#263
- No, I got... - Go stand over here.

#264
I got Liam over here eyeballing me.

#265
I mean, I...

#266
I think he is. Little hard to tell with the eyepatch.

#267
Ah. Anyway, it's your, it's your roll, man.

#268
- Go, go, go. Go, yeah. - Oh. I'm up?

#269
- Yes, you're up. - Up.

#270
- Artemis. - Frank.

#271
How about we, uh, test out the back seat

#272
of my LeBaron after the roll?

#273
Everybody stop trying to have sex with each other.

#274
Hey, you know, another reason why

#275
men and women can't compete, Dee.

#276
It's too sexually charged.

#277
Come on.

#278
- All right. - Donna Brunswick...

#279
Strike.

#280
- Oh! - Hey!

#281
Nice.

#282
- Artemis, you can bowl? - No.

#283
My character can. Me, I can't bowl for shit.

#284
Oh.

#285
Oh, my God.

#286
It's not gonna make it.

#287
Strike.

#288
- Oh, ho. - Oh.

#289
All right, Frank.

#290
Good job, Frank.

#292
No, come on, that doesn't count.

#293
Uh, no, the computer counted it, so it counts.

#294
- That counts. - Hey, Artemis, let's mush.

#295
What? No. No. You're not gonna miss your turn, okay?

#296
If you must mush, mush later.

#297
A quickie.

#298
- Quickie it is. - What?

#299
My character is also a giant whore, which is what

#300
attracted me to the role in the first place, so...

#302
Well, mush fast!

#303
- Come on. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#304
I'm going, I'm going. Oh!

#305
Hey, Tyrone, do not take my spot!

#306
Do not take my spot at the air hockey table.

#307
- Charlie, shut up. - You should see the party they got going there.

#308
- It's great. They got one of those... - I don't care.

#309
...punching machines that rates how, like,

#310
- how much power you have in your punch. - I don't care.

#311
- Shut up, I'm trying to focus. - It's totally crazy.

#312
By the way, your hair looks great.

#313
Charlie, shut up, I'm trying to focus.

#314
- Did you, like, change your hair or something? - Oh, my God.

#315
Elbow in, slight bend in the knee,

#316
- and... - What the...

#317
- Oh...

#318
- God! - Tyrone!

#319
All right. I'm coming!

#320
- Charlie, Charlie, where you going? - Where you going?

#321
- Put the cake down... - I'll be back.

#322
- Dee, you want to go first? - Don't... Stop it.

#323
- I know what you're doing. - I'm not gonna say anything.

#324
I swear to God. Please, I insist.

#325
I'm not.

#326
- Fine. - All right. Come on, Dee.

#327
Gutter ball.

#328
You-you dick.

#329
- Sorry. I'm sorry. - That's not funny.

#330
I couldn't resist. It's... Sorry.

#331
Strike.

#332
Don't say it again.

#333
- Okay? Just leave me alone. - I'm not. I just... I'm not.

#334
Gutter ball.

#335
You goddamned son of a bitch!

#336
How are you gonna talk to me about form

#337
- after you bowl like that? - Get off my back, you frigid bitch.

#338
I knew inviting you was a bad idea.

#339
Well, then, don't invite me. Then don't invite me next time.

#340
- I didn't invite...

#341
Oh, isn't this fun?

#342
Yeah. Yet another reason why women can't compete with men.

#343
Besides your physical limitations,

#344
if given the opportunity to either work together

#345
as a team or tear each other apart,

#346
you will always choose the latter.

#347
Because women are

#348
devious a-and destructive

#349
and will always default to using their insidious venom

#350
on the most sought-after victim of all...

#351
...each other.

#352
Okay, Dennis is right. Just hear me out.

#353
If we want to win, we can't compete like men,

#354
but what we can do is use those skills

#355
of mental manipulation against them.

#356
Do you want to know why?

#357
Why?

#358
Because... they're stupid.

#359
Hey, Mac, how come you throw the ball so straight?

#360
I throw the ball straight because, as a man,

#361
dominance is my sporting style.

#362
Uh, I heard it's 'cause you have no finesse.

#363
- You don't know how to spin the ball. - What?

#364
- Yeah. - I have finesse. I could spin the ball.

#365
- You want to see me? - Yeah.

#366
- Yeah... - Hey, uh, Mac? Mac?

#367
Can I talk to you for a second?

#368
Yeah.

#369
Do not try and spin the ball.

#370
She said that I can't spin, and I can spin.

#371
- You-- Do not try it. - But Dennis, she said I have no finesse,

#372
- and you know that I have finesse. - Don't-don't do it.

#373
- Don't do it. Just play your game. - Can I just spin one?

#374
- I don't care... - Let me spin one.

#375
You don't need to spin it.

#376
You just play your game and we're gonna win.

#377
Okay? Do not spin it.

#378
Do not do it.

#379
Okay, fine.

#380
I won't, I won't spin it.

#381
I won't.

#382
Stride, stride, stride, spin!

#383
Oh, goddamn it!

#386
Wait, I'm coming, I'm coming.

#387
Hey, Tyrone, double or nothing!

#388
'Cause there's no way you're beating me

#389
two out of three, dude!

#390
- Hey, Charlie? Excuse me.

#391
Can I, can I ask your advice on something?

#392
- Yeah. - Well, you're just such a good natural bowler...

#393
- Yeah. - ...and I'm having a hard time, so I was wondering,

#394
where are you putting your elbow

#395
- when you're rolling? - My elbow?

#396
Yeah, before you throw the ball, where is your elbow going?

#397
You-you want me to show you where my elbow goes?

#398
- Yeah. - Oh, I'm...

#399
- My-my elbow's like... - Uh-huh.

#400
That looks good.

#401
Oh.

#402
Gutter ball.

#403
Uh...

#404
Holy shit. It's working.

#405
- There we go. - Okay.

#406
Okay. It's okay.

#407
Damn it!

#408
- Just walk. - What are you doing?

#409
Stride, stride, stride, spin! Come on!

#410
- Gutter ball. - S-Stop it.

#411
Gutter ball.

#412
- Gutter ball.

#414
- Gutter ball.

#415
- Gutter ball.

#416
You want one?

#417
Wh-- Hey!

#418
- What happened?

#419
What the hell happened?

#420
In the third act of my play, Donna rolls a gutter ball

#421
in the big match against her rival high school.

#422
- Are you serious? - Oh, my God.

#423
Can you knock it off with the play, please?

#424
Ah, well, well, you done good, ladies.

#425
Your little mind games-- they got you pretty far,

#426
but unfortunately...

#427
...still 11 points shy in the final frame.

#428
Now, technically, I could pick up this spare

#429
and push the lead even further, and I...

#430
think we all know Dee's about to roll two gutter balls.

#431
So I'll tell you what. Dee, if you would like,

#432
uh, you could just quit now

#433
and you could all admit that you're inferior

#434
in every single way,

#435
and we could just call it a night.

#436
Okay, you know what, dick?

#437
I don't like your sister. She's a terrible person.

#438
- She's a bitch and she's ugly

#439
and I didn't want her on the team.

#440
And she's gross.

#441
Sure, and she's gross.

#442
But you know what? You're even worse.

#443
And I am not gonna sit here

#444
and let you just shit on her all night long.

#445
You think you're physically superior?

#446
- Yeah. - Then I challenge you to a test of strength.

#448
This isn't fair.

#449
Oh. Is it not fair?

#450
Okay, well, if you're scared, we don't have to do it.

#451
Okay, well, listen, if you insist, that's fine.

#452
- I do. Okay. - Let's do it. Yeah.

#453
Ladies first.

#454
- All right, let's do it. - Oh, thank you.

#455
Go, Waitress, go.

#456
- Let's go. - Give it all you got.

#457
- Oh!

#458
Shit.

#459
- Didn't know you could kick it. - Oh, yeah, you could kick it.

#460
- And that's fine. Okay. - Yeah, yeah, okay. Do it.

#461
Show them what you got, Dennis. Come on.

#462
Let's go, buddy.

#463
I summon the very fact that I am a man!

#464
- Aah! Aah...

#465
I have defeated you.

#466
And of course I have.

#467
I've been blessed with the genetic gifts to do so.

#468
I've broken every single bone in my hand.

#469
I cannot bowl.

#470
- What? - Really? - L-Listen to me.

#471
There's nothing solid left in there.

#472
It's just bloody soup and bone broth.

#473
All right? Now, I need to scream.

#474
And I need you to find me somewhere to scream

#475
so I don't have to do it here.

#476
No, wait a minute.

#477
I'm going to scream here, and now,

#478
'cause I can't hold it in, so here we go.

#479
♪ Oh, yes... ♪

#480
Ryan, I need you to bowl for me.

#481
I'll never bowl again.

#482
- Come on, man. - Why not? What's the big deal?

#483
The story's too horrible to tell.

#484
- Oh, with this stuff. - For fuck's sake, just spit it out.

#485
Yeah, you clearly want to tell it, man.

#486
Fine.

#487
- But brace yourself.

#488
There I was,

#489
practicing for the state semifinals.

#490
I was on my way to a perfect game.

#491
I was enjoying some chili cheese fries.

#492
They were delicious, and I offered some to Ryan.

#493
I accepted, but not realizing

#494
my other hand was in the ball return lane.

#495
I never should have allowed myself such indulgences,

#496
because little did I know,

#497
my ball was returning.

#498
It pinched it really bad.

#499
I had a nasty bruise for a week.

#500
- That's it? - That's why you won't bowl?

#501
- You pinched your finger? - You pinched your finger

#502
- and you won't bowl? - Big deal, man.

#503
I'll bowl for you... Dennis.

#504
- Okay, fine. - Okay. - Wait, what's happening?

#505
What-what are you saying? What?

#507
- Nothing. - What?

#508
- N-Nothing. - What's going on?

#509
Liam's gonna bowl for me

#510
because I hurt my hand a little bit.

#511
O-Ow!

#512
Ow, I just, I just twisted my ankle.

#513
- No. - Yeah, and I need Ryan,

#514
I need Ryan to bowl for me.

#516
and I need Ryan to bowl for me.

#517
- That... - That is bullshit.

#518
This is incredibly weird.

#519
Ryan!

#520
Brother! Brother, what have I done?

#521
No!

#522
What the...

#523
Well, well, well, Dee, it looks like

#524
you're gonna have to roll after all.

#525
Fine. No problem.

#526
Gonna make my team proud.

#527
Oh, well, maybe you will.

#528
Or maybe...

#529
you'll roll a gutter ball.

#530
One pin. That's all.

#531
You can do this.

#532
- Gutter ball. - No. No.

#533
Just don't think "gutter ball," that's all.

#534
Oh, hi, Dee.

#535
I'm in here, too.

#536
Gutter ball.

#537
- Gutter ball. Gutter ball. - Gutter ball. Gutter ball.

#538
You goddamned son of a--

#539
bitch!

#540
Gutter ball.

#541
- Oh. - No, no...

#542
- No, no, no... - No, no...

#543
No, no, no, no...

#544
I did it! In your faces.

#545
Ha... Uh... What's going on?

#546
- Where'd everybody go? - Frank's having a threesome

#547
in the bathroom with Gail and Artemis,

#548
and, um, yeah, I think the guys went to the Sixers game.

#549
What?

#550
Oh, goddamn it.

#551
Well, why aren't you celebrating?

#552
Um...

#553
yeah, honestly?

#554
I don't give a shit about women's sports.

#555
Well...

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