Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S15E01 — 2020 - A Year In Review

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 15, Episode 1 — 2020 - A Year In Review

#1
What if we let off fireworks?

#2
- In the bar? - It's never been done before.

#3
That could be kind of good, right?

#4
You'll burn the place to the ground.

#5
But he's right. We have to have some flair for this business meeting.

#6
This guy's a potential investor.

#7
He could give Paddy's tons of money.

#8
I know, we need pageantry. We need...

#9
I just thought of something. What if it's not a guy, it's a woman?

#10
If it's a woman, I got flowers prepped for her.

#11
- Okay. - Oh.

#12
And if it's a guy, I got a football ready for him.

#13
- Nice. That's good. - No, well, no.

#14
Hold on. What if it's a guy who hates football

#15
- but loves flowers? - Right, right, right.

#16
Or a woman who loves football but hates flowers?

#17
Hates flowers.

#18
Or a woman who was assigned male gender at birth

#19
but has retained her traditional love of the game?

#20
- Yes. - Which she has the right to do.

#21
- That is her right... - Of course, it's 2021...

#22
That's fine. Yeah.

#23
Here's the bottom line, it's 2021, all bets are off, okay?

#24
The chances of this person walking in

#25
and being your typical vanilla white guy

#26
are slim to none.

#27
Hi. Sorry to interrupt. My name's Gary.

#28
I'm here to speak to the owners of Paddy's Pub.

#29
Oh, thank sweet...

#30
- All right! - Gary.

#31
- This is a relief. - Gary.

#32
- It is so good to see you. - Phew!

#33
This I can wrap my head around.

#34
We're gonna set up over here.

#35
- All right. Yeah. - We'll take care of you.

#36
We got you a little gift here,

#37
a token of our appreciation, and from the pub.

#38
- Yeah, that's from us to you, so... - Yeah, from us to you.

#39
Oh, uh... Thank you.

#40
Phew! All right. That's a relief.

#41
All right, now that we all know that we see eye to eye,

#42
let's talk about you giving us that PPP loan, huh?

#43
Oh, I'm so sorry. There must be some confusion.

#44
I'm not here to hand out PPP loans.

#45
I'm here to collect on ones you already have.

#46
In fact, as I believe, it's three separate loans,

#47
so I'll just need to know what you did with the money

#48
and what the business has been up to for the past year.

#49
- Uh-huh. - Yep.

#50
Gary, we saw 2020 as a year to, well, I don't know,

#51
capitalize on our many various interests.

#52
We got a lot of them.

#53
- When the world says slow, we say go. - That's right.

#54
- Or strike. Or attack. - See, normally,

#55
we're running a thriving bar here.

#56
- Yeah. - Yeah. But COVID forced us

#57
to close our doors to the community, so...

#58
What were we gonna do?

#59
We had to branch out. That's what we did.

#60
So why don't we just

#61
talk about the first loan, which is "Punch Incorporated"?

#62
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah. That was Mac and I.

#63
- So why don't we... Okay. - Yeah.

#64
That's a cool name, isn't it?

#65
- It's a very aggressive name. - It's very cool.

#66
As an out-of-work bouncer, I was looking to pursue

#67
my other interests that would be as intellectually stimulating

#68
as choking out a jabroni and leaving him out in the street.

#69
Like my longtime dream of becoming

#70
an international country teen pop sensation.

#71
Girl, you give me feels when I see them heels

#72
Let's ride on a horse, making love out in the fields

#73
Out in the fields

#74
Let me be your guy

#75
Never mind them flies

#76
Just get on the horse and...

#77
Wait, wait.

#78
Hold on a second. All right, man, look, the music is starting to come together.

#79
I like the music, but I'm struggling with the lyrics.

#80
- What's wrong with the lyrics? - It's the fly thing.

#81
Horses have flies. That makes sense.

#82
Yeah, but the lyric is, "Let me be your guy, never mind them flies."

#83
It feels like I'm asking her to forget the flies

#84
that are surrounding me, not the horse.

#85
Never mind them thighs

#86
- Thighs? Where... What? Why thighs? - Yeah.

#87
Whose thighs?

#88
Maybe he's got thick, grotesque thighs and he's embarrassed about 'em.

#89
Look, there's a bigger problem. Can I be honest with you?

#90
I'm having trouble concentrating on any of this stuff,

#91
because I can't stop thinking about the election.

#92
- The election. - The election. Yes. My God.

#93
Yes. Yes. I was, like, right there with you.

#94
- I can't focus on any of our... - The integrity of the election.

#95
- Because I... - Yes. Yes.

#96
- Our democracy is at stake. - Yeah.

#97
I feel like things aren't going well with the election

#98
and we need to get involved.

#99
We were concerned that our guy

#100
wasn't gonna get a fair shot in the election.

#101
Of course not, because he's an outsider

#102
that brings a fresh perspective to Washington.

#103
- Right. - I mean, we...

#104
not everybody likes him, but that's why we do.

#105
And we were really worried that the mainstream media

#106
wasn't taking him seriously.

#107
Do I want a bunch of eggheads who spend all day learning about shit

#108
influencing how I think about things? No.

#109
No. Plus, you want a guy who's lived a little.

#110
- You want a guy who knows how to party. - And our guy knows how to party. Right?

#111
Yeah.

#112
Our guy parties.

#113
Anyway, it was obvious

#114
that the integrity of the election was at stake here.

#115
So that's why we wanted to make sure

#116
that things went smoothly at the polling place.

#117
- Right. - Hence, we created Punch Incorporated.

#118
We used the loan to buy tactical gear.

#119
Look at this one, with the New York hat.

#120
She got bussed in from that liberal hellscape?

#121
All right, let's go find out.

#122
Let's talk to her. Excuse me.

#123
- Ma'am, yes. Hi. - Ma'am.

#124
Are you registered to vote here?

#125
Are you from Philly?

#126
Yeah, and we don't want to see

#127
any of that bogus fake I.D. stuff.

#128
We're gonna ask you a series of questions

#129
in no particular order.

#130
Why do we hate Chris Chelios?

#131
Who is Uncle Eddie Savitz?

#132
Who is a better athlete, Donovan McNabb or Rocky Balboa?

#133
- Where is...? - Hey... Well, hold on a second.

#134
I mean, that's too easy. McNabb, obviously.

#135
- I... - Well, I don't think it's that obvious.

#136
I mean, do you think Donovan McNabb

#137
could go toe-to-toe with Ivan Drago for 15 rounds?

#138
No, what I'm saying is that Rocky Balboa

#139
is a fictional character, so this isn't a conversation.

#140
Are you saying you want Sly Stallone

#141
to be the starting QB for the Eagles next season?

#142
- How is that gonna go? - What year is it? Is it early 1980s?

#143
'Cause the NFC East was not strong,

#144
and I say that Sly takes us to the playoffs.

#145
Sly Stallone is a meatball actor.

#146
Then why make statues to him?

#147
We don't... Hold on a sec. Wait, just... You're crazy.

#148
Okay, the guy is five-foot-nine, to start with...

#149
And by the way, that's a celebrity listing.

#150
- He's probably closer to 5'4". - So was Doug Flutie.

#151
- You saying he's an actor? - No, I'm...

#152
He's one of the greatest football players that Canada ever produced.

#153
So, I'm sorry, now you're comparing McNabb

#154
to a teeny-tiny little man

#155
who's named after a woodwind instrument?

#156
- What are we talking about? - What's up?

#157
- Good to see you again. - What's going on? You want us to...

#158
You want us back at the 100 feet?

#159
He wants us back at the 100 feet.

#160
We'll be less effective back there...

#161
The problem is, back there, we can't...

#162
- We can't keep... Yeah. - Okay. All right.

#163
- We'll go back to the 100. - Let's... We're gonna...

#164
Hey, you want us to go grab you a coffee?

#165
- We'll grab him a coffee. - We'll grab you a coffee,

#166
- and then we'll be back, but... - Thanks for keeping things safe.

#167
- We'll stay a little bit further away. - We'll keep things safe.

#168
Suffice to say, our arguing did not help the situation.

#169
Yeah, it turns out they had their own security there

#170
to keep things safe, and they just kicked us right out.

#171
Anyway, the point is,

#172
the country was in turmoil, okay? Tensions were high,

#173
so Mac and I decided to pivot to a less controversial approach.

#174
Yeah, we went with gaining exposure for our budding musical interests

#175
as well as providing people with an opportunity

#176
to vote on another pressing matter.

#177
Freedom is the choice you have

#178
Is it Rocky or McNabb?

#179
Cast your vote and make it clear

#180
Place your voting choice in here

#181
Place your voting choice in here

#182
Place your voting choice in here

#183
Place your voting choice right up in here

#184
Right here

#185
Pop your votes right in that box there, folks.

#186
- If you want them votes to count. - That's right.

#187
Now let's take it one more time from the top

#188
before Brian Security gets here.

#189
- Yep. Let's do it. Here we go. - Yep.

#190
Now, the labeling in hindsight,

#191
was a bit obtuse and created a great deal of confusion.

#192
It kind of backed up the whole system.

#193
Right. Yeah, there was a whole kerfuffle,

#194
I don't know if you remember this,

#195
about, like, what votes were supposed to be counted

#196
and what votes aren't gonna be counted.

#197
And are these legitimate votes, are these not legitimate votes?

#198
What's this, what's that?

#199
I mean, we put our boxes all over the damn place.

#200
So, you know, we created a mess.

#201
I'm sorry, let me try to get this straight.

#202
So you're saying that you might be partially responsible

#203
for the voting count delays in the presidential election?

#204
No, no, I'm saying we might have been entirely responsible

#205
for the vote delays, but what I'm also saying is that

#206
we were two American businessmen who took out a legitimate loan

#207
for a legitimate business.

#208
Well, now that we've got that settled,

#209
I'll tell you what, why don't we play you

#210
a couple of our original songs,

#211
loosely based on the chord progressions

#212
of Emerson, Lake & Palmer?

#213
- No. - Yes.

#214
- No. I think we should just... - Yes.

#215
Actually, let's just keep moving on

#216
to the next loan, if that's okay.

#217
Uh... So, "Frank's Imports and Exports."

#218
Oh, that's this guy.

#219
- I'm gonna get a beer. - Boom.

#220
Go. What do you want to know?

#221
What were you importing?

#222
Inks, grease, paste.

#223
Sludges in general.

#224
Sludges, I see. All right.

#225
And what were you exporting?

#226
Hair dye.

#227
Frank, I'm worried about you, man.

#228
You're hitting it way too hard, pal.

#229
I was going hard.

#230
When society hits the brakes, I hit the gas, baby.

#231
Society break, I got gas.

#232
What? If you have gas, take it out in the hall, okay?

#233
Also, I need another bucket. I'm out of paint here.

#234
- Where... - I got no more buckets.

#235
Look, I shouldn't even be doing this, man. It looks terrible.

#236
You should get this done in, like, a salon or something.

#237
Salons are closed.

#238
I got to go, got to go, got to go, got to go.

#239
- Got to go? Where you going? - Yeah, I got to go.

#240
That's only half... You look crazy, dude.

#241
- Where you going? - I'm out.

#242
What... Well, take a mask, will you?

#243
- I mean, you got one? - I got... Yes, I got a mask.

#244
- You got to wear it, though, Frank. - It's on. I got it on.

#245
Yeah, but you got to cover your nose, dude.

#246
You got to...

#247
Why does nobody old know how to wear a mask?

#248
I was sick of staying inside.

#249
So I went to my favorite bookstore to clear my head.

#250
Fortunately, my favorite bookstore never closes,

#251
and they never judge their customers.

#252
Oh, hey, you got to wear a mask.

#253
I got a mask.

#254
- Oh. I didn't see it. - Right.

#255
- You're good. - Thank you.

#256
So I grabbed a few titles

#257
and I went in the back to do some light reading.

#258
There I was, staring at my idols,

#259
Peter North, T.T. Boy, the late, great D.J. Ram.

#260
And that's when I noticed it.

#261
The bad dye job. Who had I become?

#262
I was letting the pandemic get the best of me.

#263
It had taken my manhood.

#264
Well, I went home

#265
and immediately did something about it.

#266
After I popped off.

#267
I got right to work on creating the perfect hair dye.

#268
Shoe polish, India ink, permanent marker.

#269
I tried 'em all.

#270
Until I finally hit pay dirt.

#271
Whoa.

#272
Chinese motor oil.

#273
Bingo.

#274
For the first time in a long time,

#275
I felt like somebody again.

#276
I couldn't let this opportunity go to waste.

#277
I opened a chair.

#278
I became the most sought-after underground hair stylist

#279
for like-minded older men

#280
yearning for a sense of community during the pandemic.

#281
I had my PPP loan, and business was booming.

#282
Then one day, this guy comes in.

#283
Not even the usual clientele.

#284
Didn't even look at the magazines.

#285
Said he just needed a place to cool off.

#286
Next thing you know, he's in my chair.

#287
We talked about the election,

#288
and our mutual disdain for insider Beltway politics.

#289
He wasn't from the neighborhood.

#290
Said he was in from New York, doing some business

#291
at a fancy hotel down the street.

#292
He said his boss was a very connected man

#293
who needed a situation fixed.

#294
And this poor bastard was in the eye of the shitstorm.

#295
I did him up real nice.

#296
Little did I know, my work was about to be

#297
in the national spotlight,

#298
on the head of America's mayor,

#299
Rudolph William Giuliani.

#300
I was proud of how my work stood up in the spotlight.

#301
He became my biggest client.

#302
Funny thing about the spotlight, though,

#303
sometimes it burns too bright.

#304
And that was the moment I knew it was coming to an end.

#305
It was my own fault. I got sloppy.

#306
Started cutting corners, using American motor oil.

#307
And to top it off, my guy didn't win the election.

#308
The whole thing was a fiasco.

#309
I blame myself.

#310
Wait, so you're saying that the hair dye that's dripping down your face

#311
is the same dye used by Rudolph Giuliani

#312
during the presidential election?

#313
Yeah.

#314
Okay. Let's just move on to the next loan.

#315
Um... A clothing line. Something called "Garments and Varmints"?

#316
- Yo! That's us. Yeah. - Yep. Yeah.

#317
Yeah, the name's a little confusing,

#318
'cause it did end up being mostly costumes.

#319
Yeah, yeah, but it's not really confusing, you know,

#320
because varmints definitely played, like, a key role in it.

#321
- So it's not confusing. - It's confusing.

#322
- It's incredibly confusing. - I'm sorry.

#323
- But we can go on. - Yeah. Yeah.

#324
I am confused.

#325
Well, of course, you're confused, Gary.

#326
That's 'cause you're not a moron.

#327
All right, let me explain what happened here, all right?

#328
We've been on top of each other for a long time.

#329
Yeah.

#330
We bubbled together during the pandemic

#331
because, well, we're both essential workers at the bar.

#332
Yeah, yeah. Charlie and I, we're the last tit on the hog

#333
before the asshole.

#334
I am so sorry for my partner's blue language.

#335
It does not represent our business,

#336
- and it's extremely off-putting. - It was just a joke.

#337
Just stop. Okay.

#338
The point is, we were pretty deep in the pandemic

#339
when we, uh, got a pretty good idea.

#340
We were gonna sell masks.

#341
The world needed masks, and once our loan came in,

#342
we got all kinds of materials.

#343
Only, there was one problem.

#344
Bam. Check that one out.

#345
- What the hell is that? - That's a mask.

#346
Yeah, of Ronald Reagan, but...

#347
Ronald Reagan? That's Dennis.

#348
- That's not Dennis? - Whether it's Dennis or Ronald Reagan,

#349
it's not gonna stop the spread of COVID.

#350
Stop COVID?

#351
Well, we don't need any more of those kind of masks.

#352
Everybody's making those masks.

#353
Well, they're trying, right?

#354
But, see, my angle is, mine are funny. Look at this.

#355
"Fauch the Grouch."

#356
Right?

#357
Fau... That's a great name.

#358
- Who is that? - I know.

#359
"Fauch."

#360
Okay, how about this one?

#361
"Mama needs wine."

#362
Right? And this is funny

#363
'cause women are alcoholics who hate their kids.

#364
Yeah, yeah. But I... You're, like,

#365
you're missing the big picture here, Dee.

#366
- Right? 'Cause, dude... - What do you mean?

#367
...the real money is in the Halloween costume space.

#368
Think about it, man. Everyone's been stuck together at home,

#369
they're all worried and shit.

#370
They're gonna want to come together

#371
at the end of next year, so, like,

#372
Halloween store owners, they're gonna be, like,

#373
some of the richest people in America, Dee.

#374
We're not gonna do that. We're not gonna do...

#375
Let's just do the medical mask thing.

#376
Number one, it's easier, and number two,

#377
- it actually makes sense. Right? - Okay. All right.

#378
- Well, fine, we'll try your thing. - Logical.

#379
- Okay, fine. - Okay.

#380
Anyway, we made the stupid masks,

#381
but the next challenge was marketing them.

#382
Sweetie, if you're not gonna help me homeschool these kids,

#383
can you please at least do the dishes?

#384
I need to drink wine.

#385
I know you do, but, honey, I got you a gift.

#386
You did? What?

#387
A custom-made mask.

#388
Are you looking to party this Halloween?

#389
Are you sick of being jerked around by the fat cats

#390
in the Halloween industry?

#391
Then we've got the fix for you. Garments and Varmints.

#392
And now it's all starting to make sense, right?

#393
What? No.

#394
It makes less sense than it did in the beginning.

#395
- You're telling it wrong. - Gary gets it.

#396
- No, I don't get it. - Point is,

#397
for reasons we would find out

#398
much later, we did end up getting a rather sizable order

#399
for costumes from one group.

#400
Yeah, and these guys were out of state, right,

#401
- and they wanted them really fast. - We were in a rush.

#402
So we were stressed out.

#403
Now, luckily, I was pretty handy with the old girl,

#404
so we were able to fill out most of the order.

#405
Although we were running out of material.

#406
- Okay, what else do we need? - What?

#407
- What else do we need? - Uh... Pelts.

#408
- Get more pelts. - What pelts?

#409
The pelts! The pelts, you bitch!

#410
- Pelts for what? - You bitch.

#411
You insufferable bitch.

#412
I... Am I supposed to even know what that means?

#413
- Animal pelts! - What are we doing with animal pelts?

#414
I can't sew without the pelts!

#415
Get the pelts, you bitch!

#416
Yeah, now, normally,

#417
I don't call Dee a bitch.

#418
That's sort of Dennis's thing.

#419
- Dee's a goddamn bitch! - Yeah.

#420
But, you know, her vulgar language was rubbing off on me,

#421
you know, which wasn't a good look for the business.

#422
The pelts that Charlie's referring to,

#423
they're from raccoons that he was tanning

#424
in the basement of this bar.

#425
Yeah, well, you see, the pandemic had kind of disrupted

#426
the bar's natural ecosystem.

#427
There was a real uptick in raccoons,

#428
which consider rat brains a delicacy,

#429
which of course you know, Gary,

#430
and now it's all starting to make sense.

#431
It doesn't make sense.

#432
At least now he understands why we called the business

#433
- Garments and Varmints. - He doesn't care what we call

#434
- the business. - I believe that the man does!

#435
I'm taking over the whole story!

#436
- Okay? - Please go ahead.

#437
It took us three hours, but we finally arrived

#438
at the place where we were gonna meet the customer.

#439
- Gentlemen. - You got the stuff?

#440
- Absolutely. Give me one minute. - Hey.

#441
Digging that face paint. Very festive.

#442
What are you gentlemen celebrating?

#443
- We're protesting the election. - Yeah!

#444
Okay, well, I can get behind that, 'cause our guy did not get a fair shake.

#445
- Oh! - The whole thing is a sham.

#446
- Yeah, our guy got screwed, man. - Sham.

#447
Okay, so there's the costumes.

#448
I'm especially proud of the stitching on the animal skins.

#449
- That was all Charlie. - You know what I'd like to do?

#450
I'd love to throw in this cool hat for free.

#451
I think it really completes the look.

#452
- Let's see. - You know? Let's see it there.

#453
- Oh, shit. He's right. - Yeah.

#454
Thanks, brother.

#455
Now let's go save this country!

#456
- Whoo! - All right.

#457
They all seemed pretty amped up.

#458
But we were, too. I mean, people have been dragging

#459
our guy's name through the mud, saying he wasn't fit for office.

#460
Yeah, calling him a narcissist, saying he was mentally ill,

#461
and that all the people who showed up

#462
- for his events were idiots. - Yeah, but that's 'cause

#463
they've never seen the guy onstage.

#464
- I mean, he's electrifying onstage. - Yeah.

#465
All right, I'm sorry, let me try to make sense of this.

#466
You're telling me that you provided the iconic costumes

#467
at the Capitol riots?

#468
- Yeah. - Yep.

#469
Can't say they weren't good costumes, Gary.

#470
- They were great costumes. - Isn't that something?

#471
Well, listen, now that we've cleared up

#472
all those previous loans, we would like to talk to you

#473
about giving us a new loan for Paddy's Pub.

#474
Okay...

#475
- Oh my G... What was that? - Oh, sorr...

#476
Firework. Almost got you, pal.

#477
Sorry about that.

#478
- Fire. - Oh!

#479
Huh? What?

#480
Shit, I see it. All right.

#481
I got it. I got it.

#482
I got it. Sorry, everyone. All right.

#483
Sorry about that, everybody.

#484
Probably shouldn't have done that in the bar.

#485
- Is that right? - Yeah, I'm sorry, guys.

#486
- Yeah. All right, well... - I was trying to get

#487
a little fanfare for the loan.

#488
It was prett... It was kind of cool.

#489
So, hey, listen, um,

#490
listen, we really do believe that with a major cash infusion,

#491
we could turn this bar into something...

#492
No, no, no.

#493
...even more successful than it already...

#494
No, no, no. Stop. I have heard enough.

#495
You people have shamelessly gamed the system

#496
out of massive amounts of taxpayer dollars

#497
for fictitious businesses that have gone bankrupt,

#498
and still you have the nerve to ask for more money?

#499
Well, that's what makes America the greatest country in the world.

#500
When you're in need, the government comes in

#501
- and bails you out. - Nothing made me more money

#502
than businesses I sent into bankruptcy.

#503
- Yes... Yeah, yeah. - That's the American way.

#504
That's as American as it gets right there.

#505
That's right, and maybe if our guy had won,

#506
our businesses could succeed just like his.

#507
- They would've been huge hits. - Absolutely.

#508
- Yeah. - I think so.

#509
No, no, no, I... No...

#510
None of these idiotic businesses would have been successful

#511
whether Trump had won or lost.

#512
- Okay. - Trump?

#513
- Yeah. I'm sorry... - Yeah, why are you talking about Trump?

#514
- Where'd you get that? - Yeah, how are you getting to that?

#515
"Washington outsider, not taken seriously

#516
"by the liberal media, successful businessman,

#517
"unsuccessful in love, electrifying onstage."

#518
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, that's our guy.

#519
- Yeah, yeah, that's him. - Absolutely. Yeah.

#520
- That's Kanye. Kanye West. - Kanye West.

#521
- He's our guy. Yeah. - Have you seen him onstage?

#522
Wait, Kanye West?

#523
You all voted for Kanye West?

#524
- Absolutely. - Damn right.

#525
100%, pal.

#526
- You've seen him onstage? - All the way.

#527
Yeah, man. He's the best. He's the best.

#528
No. I do not believe you.

#529
I do not believe any of you. None of this happened.

#530
There is no way that you were all involved

#531
in every major event of the past year.

#532
- Why? - Why?

#533
Because you're not Forrest Gump!

#534
You'll be hearing from the IRS.

#535
- Okay. - I don't... I don't like him.

#536
I don't think he's gonna give us the loan.

#537
I don't think we're gonna get the loan, either.

#538
- No. - You know what we should do?

#539
Let's listen to some Kanye West.

#540
That's what we should do.

#541
That's gonna bring the mood back up.

#542
We all should be listening to Kanye West.

#543
Stop the count! Stop the count!

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