Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S15E02 — The Gang Makes Lethal Weapon 7

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 15, Episode 2 — The Gang Makes Lethal Weapon 7

#1
This is unbelievable.

#2
It's an outrage. It's un-American is what it is.

#3
I thought this was a free country.

#4
Free. This is censorship. That's what it is.

#5
What ever happened to free speech, huh? You tell me that.

#6
Frank, we don't know what the hell you're talking about.

#7
Lethal Weapon 5 and 6 are gone.

#8
Huh? What do you mean they're gone?

#9
They removed them from the library.

#10
- They got pulled? - Yeah. The lady said they took them down

#11
because of insensitivity.

#12
I'll be honest with you, I'm not sure

#13
how we got the library to display those movies in the first place.

#14
- Yeah. - They were works of art.

#15
They would've been works of art

#16
had Mac not ruined them with his blackface.

#17
Okay. Look, my heart was in the right place,

#18
and I feel awful about it now.

#19
Look, you never should've done it in the first place.

#20
- I told you not to do it, man. - I know, I know, but, look,

#21
I've done a lot of learning over the past year, as we all have.

#22
We've also done a lot of growing.

#23
That's true.

#24
A lot of learning, growing,

#25
- and being scared. - Yeah.

#26
And fear is a great motivator to do the right thing.

#27
Yeah, yeah. Frank, look, while it is awful

#28
that they removed our movies,

#29
I think it's probably best to just let sleeping dogs lie here.

#30
- Yeah, yeah. - Yes.

#31
We'll just move on.

#32
Yeah, yeah.

#33
Guys, Lethal Weapon 5 and 6 are in the past.

#34
- Right. - Now we have

#35
the path forward and the knowledge to do the right thing.

#36
I think it's obvious what that right thing is.

#37
Make Lethal Weapon 7.

#38
- Yes. - Absolutely.

#39
- Right? - Let's get going on it.

#40
- The show must go on, right? - Yeah.

#41
As we all know, guys,

#42
our Lethal Weapon movies were always intended

#43
to be a trilogy that followed a trilogy, plus a sequel,

#44
but the most important thing

#45
is making sure that this third movie in a series of seven

#46
can be seen and enjoyed by audiences

#47
of today's moral and ethical standards.

#48
Right, because we made that one mistake, and that was...

#49
Well, actually two, because you did blackface in the sequel.

#50
Right. The two mistakes.

#51
- Yeah, well, so did Dee, actually. - Okay, so three mistakes.

#52
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

#53
But you've also done multiple insensitive characters in the past,

#54
on and off-screen.

#55
I don't know if that's going into the conversation

#56
- we're having here. - It should.

#57
- Yeah, and Frank did red-face in... - What?

#58
- That's also frowned upon. - Christ Almighty.

#59
- It's also frowned upon. - You know what?

#60
Let's not... Six, seven, eight, nine, ten mistakes.

#61
It wasn't red, it was brown.

#62
Guys, let's not get into it, because Hollywood has a very clear moral code

#63
on mistakes. Okay, you get one, right?

#64
Like Woody Allen, right? Roman Polanski.

#65
One mistake and that was it.

#66
No, actually, those guys

#67
continued to make films for the next 40 years.

#68
Oh. Uh... Bill Cosby.

#69
Well, he made about 50 mistakes.

#70
And I would actually argue that

#71
all these things we're talking about,

#72
they weren't so much mistakes

#73
as they were violent sexual crimes.

#74
- Yeah. - Right.

#75
You know, but either way, look, the point is,

#76
I think we should make a few adjustments

#77
to the script, you know, and to our casting choices,

#78
to make sure that this film is palatable to a modern audience.

#79
Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

#80
Okay, as long as I get to bang the broad.

#81
Jesus.

#82
I think we might want to avoid that, as well.

#83
- How about a blow job then? - Um...

#84
Look, a hand job or I'm not paying for this.

#85
Aah...

#86
That's a very important part of the filmmaking process.

#87
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#88
I ain't paying for it unless I get a hand job.

#89
- You don't even like hand jobs. - Fine. You can get a hand job,

#90
but it's got to be under a towel or a blanket

#91
because I don't want to see your genitalia.

#92
Can we just talk about the elephant in the room?

#93
Right? Let's talk about Murtaugh.

#94
Yes.

#95
Now, obviously, I will not be playing Murtaugh

#96
- in Lethal Weapon 7. - Yeah.

#97
- Right. - Yeah.

#98
Okay.

#99
I will be magnanimously taking a step back.

#100
- Right. - Yeah.

#101
I feel like you're talking really slow

#102
and taking a bunch of pauses. I don't know what's going on.

#103
I'm waiting for you guys to praise me.

#104
- What? - Why?

#105
'Cause I'm doing something anti-racist,

#106
and I think I deserve praise for that, do I not?

#107
You don't get praise for telling people you're not racist.

#108
Then why am I doing it?

#109
Why don't we just move on from this, guys?

#110
- Let's move past that. - Yeah.

#111
- Yeah. All right. - Yeah.

#112
- Yes, please. - Let's make the movie.

#113
- Let's make a movie! - Let's dive in.

#114
- Yeah, it's gonna be easy. - Okay. Let's make a movie.

#115
- It's gonna be fun. - We're over, we're overthinking it.

#116
G'day, former partner.

#117
Sorry I'm a little late.

#118
I got stuck up on some traffic on the 405.

#119
Yeah, I got off at Sepulveda,

#120
and then I made my way over to Moorpark.

#121
From there, I sort of wiggled down to Tujunga,

#122
then I ticky-tackied over to the, to the Laurel Canyon.

#123
Oh, my God, what is she doing?

#124
That accent is terrible.

#125
And what's with all the directions? Why is she explaining so much?

#126
- Well... - Oh, yeah.

#127
We found that people had no idea

#128
where the characters were in the first two,

#129
so we thought we'd clear it up.

#130
Everyone was confused about where things were happening

#131
and what things were happening.

#132
- Where props came from, et cetera. - Sure, sure.

#133
- Well, hopefully, Murtaugh's good. - Yeah.

#134
Who did you wind up getting for that?

#135
Well, so, Frank went under the bridge to get

#136
a prostitute for his sex scene.

#137
He talked the pimp into playing Murtaugh,

#138
so, you know, some guy named Pepper Jack,

#139
- or something like that. Yeah. - Okay.

#140
- Pepper Jack? - Yeah, you know this guy?

#141
- Yeah. - All right.

#142
Oh, cool.

#143
That's okay, partner. I'm just glad you're here.

#144
- Let's start the party now. - Yeah.

#145
Happy birthday, little baby ho. I wish your ho mama,

#146
Riggs' wife, and my daughter could be here to see this, but she died.

#147
Run along and play, little bitch.

#148
Have fun.

#149
Now, this is all wrong. I mean, he's playing it like a pimp.

#150
Well, he is a pimp.

#151
- So, give him the note. - So, you...

#152
- Give him the note. - Just tell him to tone it...

#153
Yeah, tell him to tone it down.

#154
- You mean... - Yeah.

#155
You guys can give it to him.

#156
No, you give it to him 'cause you're the director.

#157
Yeah.

#158
Oh! What's that?

#159
You know what? It's me phone.

#160
It's been in my pocket the whole time.

#161
Well, go ahead, answer it, bitch.

#162
Yeah. Okay.

#163
G'day. How you going?

#164
Sorry to interrupt, boys.

#165
I hope you're having as much fun as I am.

#166
I know we all enjoy a big bang.

#167
Wait, wait, wait. Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

#168
This ain't working for me.

#169
- It's not working for me. - Cut. Okay.

#170
- It's just not working. - Okay, cut,

#171
- cut, cut, cut, cut. No. - 'Cause...

#172
- Guys, take five. - Yeah, I say that.

#173
I say, "Take five." Also, I say, "Cut," guys, 'cause I'm the director.

#174
Okay, listen. Listen, Frank.

#175
I agree. It's not working. Okay, Dee is terrible.

#176
Okay. She's terrible, but it's not her, it's my thing.

#177
I'm talking about... Look, like, first of all, it's just,

#178
you know, I say, "Big bang." I ain't even banging this chick.

#179
Yeah, that's a good point. It's continuity.

#180
- Yeah. - Okay.

#181
- Doesn't make sense. - You're right. Maybe you could say,

#182
"I'm sick of getting jerked around.

#183
- "I'm ready to explode." - Yeah.

#184
Look, I don't think it's too much to ask

#185
for me to have a little real stuff.

#186
Okay, listen, Frank,

#187
you should not be actually having sex with anybody.

#188
It's called acting, Dennis.

#189
- No. - Marlon Brando

#190
got to jam butter up his costar's orifice

#191
against her will and got nominated for an Oscar.

#192
We could make this more of an art house film.

#193
- I'm open to it. - She is a prostitute, so I don't know

#194
- what the rules are... - I don't want butter to get involved.

#195
- It's gonna get... - Excuse me, gents.

#196
Yeah, uh...

#197
So, uh, how'd I do?

#198
- Oh, Mac. Yeah, you were... - Yeah, Mac had a note.

#199
- You were gonna give some notes. - Yes. Uh... Yes. Uh...

#200
Whoa, whoa. What's this? Now, I hope you're not hating on Pepper Jack's flow?

#201
No. No, no, I'm not hating on your...

#202
I mean, I feel, like, I'm in the way here.

#203
- Are my headphones working? - Well, you guys, you're not in the way.

#204
- Are yours, are yours working? - You guys are... Yeah.

#205
No. I think what...

#206
Your flow is great. I think what you're doing's great.

#207
The thing is, maybe this next take,

#208
you could do it a little bit more...

#209
A little more...

#210
- ...Pepper Jack. - Yeah.

#211
A little bit more Pepper Jack.

#212
- That's what I was thinking. - Okay.

#213
- Yeah. Okay. - Well, okay then.

#214
- Now we cooking. All right. - Okay. We're cooking.

#215
- Thank you, Pepper Jack. Thank you. - Hey, no problem, man.

#216
- Little more Pepper Jack. - Hey, man,

#217
you didn't give him the note.

#218
Yeah. Well...

#219
Guys, look, I just don't think

#220
we should be silencing Black voices.

#221
Guys, there's a larger issue at play here,

#222
and that is that all the people of color that we know

#223
are people of the bridges and the streets, okay?

#224
Look, they're pimps and prostitutes, which, I tell you,

#225
says a lot more about us

#226
than it does about them, that's for sure.

#227
- That's not a great look. - That's not...

#228
We're gonna have to do some real soul-searching.

#229
- We should really open up our... - Yeah, absolutely.

#230
We got to dig real deep into our contacts,

#231
and we got to find, like, diverse voices that don't...

#232
- Yeah. - Oh, guys, actually,

#233
I think I know how to kill two birds with one stone.

#234
Thank you for the opportunity,

#235
and I'm hip to your hustle.

#236
Bringing a woman of color to spice things up.

#237
Wait, where is she? Where is she?

#238
The woman of color? Is right here.

#239
You're a woman of color?

#240
Yeah, I'm Persian.

#241
That's the ethnicity from Iran. Hello?

#242
- He's ignorant. - Anyway,

#243
there's a dearth of Iranian female directors, so thank you.

#244
Uh... Yeah, to be clear, you will be the assistant director.

#245
Okay, we'll see. Now, let's talk about payment.

#246
I will accept the following things:

#247
coins, cash,

#248
checks,

#249
food, vape pens, pens in general, scissors.

#250
Sure. Let's move on from this.

#251
Guys...

#252
I made a few changes to the script

#253
because Dee was, well, she was terrible.

#254
Ooh, I could see that.

#255
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I sent her out to lunch,

#256
and I'd like to shoot before she gets back.

#257
- So can we do that? - Let's do this.

#258
Let's shoot. Okay, guys, let's get to places.

#259
Okay, guys, let's get to places.

#260
- Well, I... That's what the director... - Well, let's get to places.

#261
Let's get to places. Director in the house.

#262
- Okay, fine. I'll give the note. - Can you just let her speak?

#263
- Well, you... Okay. Yes. - Can you let her speak?

#264
Wow.

#265
Good day, former partner. Sorry I'm late.

#266
I got a little up-jammed traffic on the 504, 450,

#267
on the highway.

#268
I got off on "Spelly-ba-da,"

#269
but I took that all the way down to Moorpark.

#270
And then I took that down to "Ta-ca-ha" Cucamonga.

#271
And then I tackied all the way over to Laurel Canyon. Ticky.

#272
This is gonna be tough to cut around.

#273
Artemis, did you give Pepper Jack the note?

#274
Yes. Yeah, I simply asked him

#275
if he's ever been to a child's birthday party.

#276
He said yes. I said, "Take us to that place.

#277
"Make it authentic to your experience."

#278
What? What do you mean this is not my kid?

#279
Are you motherfuckers kidding me?

#280
I've been paying child support for five years,

#281
and Pepper Jack's pullout game is strong.

#282
So, if I don't get some answers real fast,

#283
Pepper Jack about to cut all of y'all.

#284
Oh, shit.

#285
Go with it, Charlie. We can use it.

#286
What's next? Come on. The phone.

#287
The phone. The phone. We're going to the phone bit.

#288
- Fix it, Charlie. Fix it. - All right, yeah.

#289
Oh, man, I would cut, I would cut someone, too. Damn.

#290
Yeah, I'm sure you do have a good pullout game, Pepper Jack.

#291
Uh-oh. What's that? This is phone,

#292
that I've whole had on me this time.

#293
Hello, who's this? It's Charlie... Riggs.

#294
Sorry to interrupt, boys.

#295
- I hope you're having as much... - Honey, what is the matter?

#296
I'm fine. Keep going, keep going.

#297
I don't think your dick work.

#298
He might need an anal stimulant.

#299
Candy, get the butter!

#300
No! No butter. There's no butter involved.

#301
What about the Brando thing, Frank?

#302
- It don't work the other way. - Yeah, it does.

#303
Oh, Frank?

#304
You gonna have to pay Pepper Jack,

#305
whether you bust a nut or not.

#306
You understand that, don't you?

#307
I don't know what's happening. Are we still in the scene?

#308
That's my Fraggle Rock thermos. He stole that from me.

#309
Wha... What's this?

#310
- Are you guys shooting without me? - Dee's here.

#311
- Cut. - Goddamn it, Dee!

#312
- Cut. - Yeah, cut.

#313
- Cut. - Goddamn it, Dennis.

#314
- Let's take a five, everybody. - Let's take a five.

#315
Listen. Guys, none of this is working.

#316
You think we got to fire Pepper Jack?

#317
No, no, no, no, no.

#318
His anger and intensity are good, you know?

#319
Just not for this role.

#320
I think we need to recast Murtaugh.

#321
We need someone lovable, someone versatile,

#322
someone with the skill, range,

#323
and talent of one of the best actors of our generation.

#324
We need Don Cheadle.

#325
You know Don Cheadle?

#326
No. But I know the guy that plays him.

#327
- Hey, partner. Happy you made it. - Sorry I'm late.

#328
People be driving like bitches on the 405.

#329
And my level of intensity

#330
is because I am crazy on account of my wife's murder.

#331
In case anybody is feeling uncomfortable about it.

#332
I think this is working. This is, like, way better.

#333
That's okay. I'm just glad you're here.

#334
Huh. Man...

#335
We getting too old for this shit, huh?

#336
Well, yeah, we are.

#337
Hey. Happy birthday, baby girl.

#338
Now, I...

#339
I...

#340
I know I haven't always been there for you,

#341
but I want you to know I'm always,

#342
always with you.

#343
Right here.

#344
In your heart.

#345
- Whoa, he's really good. - He's good.

#346
- He's really good. - He's the... He's a real actor.

#347
- He's the real deal. - Okay. Here comes our new villain, guys.

#348
Fingers crossed it works.

#349
Hold that thought, son. My shit be blowing up.

#350
Talk to me.

#351
Excuse me?

#352
What are you doing in this park in my neighborhood?

#353
Who is this, bitch?

#354
It's Karen. Karen White.

#355
And I live in this neighborhood, and I am sure that you do not.

#356
And if you don't leave right now, I will call the police,

#357
and I will tell them you attacked me.

#358
I just don't understand how this is a villain.

#359
Well, one of the last socially acceptable groups to villainize

#360
are entitled white women.

#361
It's just, like, making me uncomfortable.

#362
You know what I mean?

#363
- It's not fun, is it? - It's no fun.

#364
- No. She's a cunt. She's a cunt. - You want our movie to be fun.

#365
She's a little bit cunty. It's just too real.

#366
Damn it, guys. I really wanted this to work.

#367
I really did, but maybe putting up any group of people as villains

#368
these days is potentially problematic. I don't know.

#369
Yeah.

#370
Maybe villains shouldn't be people at all, huh?

#371
Wait, you're totally right. Right?

#372
Like what if we make the villain,

#373
like, a big dog or something, right?

#374
Or a bunch of raccoons

#375
stacked up in a trench coat? You know?

#376
Or a trench coat full of bees flying around?

#377
Like, that would scare me. Imagine seeing that.

#378
Bees! Bees are cool.

#379
- Bees are scary. - What about, like, a plague?

#380
An act of God.

#381
All the best villains in the Bible were acts of God.

#382
- A tsunami. - Yes!

#383
But, you know what? Let's call it a tidal wave.

#384
That feels less racially charged.

#385
- Yeah. Right, right. - I don't want to say that...

#386
I don't want to say that all waves are Asian.

#387
Yeah, you want to make sure that waves are, you know...

#388
- Just neutral. - Yeah. Not culturally...

#389
That's good, that's good.

#390
Hey, happy birthday, baby girl.

#391
I know I haven't always been there for you.

#392
But...

#393
I'm always with you.

#394
Right here, in your heart.

#395
Hold all that crying, man.

#396
Let me... I... My shit be blowing up.

#397
Yeah, yeah. Go on.

#398
Oh. It says, "Look behind you."

#399
Oh, no!

#400
Tidal wave! Where'd that come from?

#401
Well, no country specifically.

#402
Just an act of God, I guess.

#403
No God specifically, just the universe or whatever.

#404
- This is a piece of shit. - Yeah.

#405
- I can't work like this. - No.

#406
We can't even get past the first scene.

#407
Well, I don't know what the point of making a movie is

#408
- if we can't even be in it. - Yeah, or bang whores.

#409
All right, guys, listen.

#410
We can still do this. Okay, what about this?

#411
What if Riggs and Murtaugh

#412
start to shoot out a path so that the tidal wave moves

#413
to a field that's been decimated by climate change.

#414
- That doesn't even make any sense. - Climate change? That's so dumb.

#415
That sucks, man. I don't want to watch that movie.

#416
Guys, I know it's not great, all right?

#417
But it's the right thing to do,

#418
and we have to do the right thing.

#419
Since when do you care about doing the right thing?

#420
Guys, guys, listen, listen.

#421
Over the course of the last year,

#422
I've learned to listen, to not talk, to grow.

#423
Guys, I'm woke.

#424
Okay? Now, let me tell you how I reached this awakening.

#425
I was on a date, and, as usual, I fibbed about my age a bit

#426
so I could score a younger prospect.

#427
The woman was in her 20s, and the date

#428
was going quite well, or so I thought.

#429
It becomes just, like, so clear

#430
that the patriarchy

#431
is really just an off-shoot of privilege.

#432
100%. Yeah.

#433
No, I... Yeah.

#434
You know, you have the most beautiful eyes.

#435
Thanks.

#436
Don't you agree with what I was just saying, though?

#437
Abso... Yeah. Tot... I mean, yeah. Whatever.

#438
- Whatever? - Listen, can...

#439
Can we just keep this light, you know?

#440
I'm less interested in politics

#441
and more interested in what makes you tick.

#442
Oh, my God.

#443
Oh, you're gross. God.

#444
The young generation

#445
on the left seemed to be a tough nut to crack,

#446
so I turned my attention

#447
to the youth of the right.

#448
Socialists are ripping away our freedom.

#449
- Totally. - It's a slippery slope

#450
until we are living in a failed welfare state.

#451
Right. Hey, what do you say we get out of here

#452
and get into our own slippery state? You know what I mean, Lisa?

#453
No.

#454
I'm talking about us banging, you conservative little minx.

#455
Pig.

#456
I was learning.

#457
This generation is more socially active

#458
on both sides of the aisle, so...

#459
this time, I engaged.

#460
- I mean, don't you agree? - Yes.

#461
We need to allow others a chance to speak for once.

#462
Well, yes, but even by saying, "Allow,"

#463
you're implying that you have all the power.

#464
But I thought you were saying I did have the power?

#465
Are you twisting my words?

#466
No. I'm just...

#467
I'm just trying to understand

#468
what the hell you're talking about. I can't follow.

#469
See? This is exactly what old people always do.

#470
- Old people? - Uh-huh.

#471
I'm 26.

#472
But my rational thinking

#473
and my desire for an open dialogue were a dead giveaway.

#474
It was all starting to make sense.

#475
See, this generation doesn't even understand

#476
half the shit that they're saying.

#477
They aren't more ethical than us.

#478
They just want to be perceived as such.

#479
And who could blame them?

#480
I mean, they've spent their entire adult lives

#481
only 280 characters away

#482
from being tweeted into oblivion.

#483
Either way,

#484
I took a new tack...

#485
We need to use our privilege

#486
as much as we possibly can to protect people.

#487
How can you not see that?

#488
We need to use our privilege

#489
to protect people as much as we can.

#490
How can I not see that?

#491
- Because if we don't, who will? - Because if we don't, who will?

#492
Exactly. What we need is a revolution.

#493
Exactly. What we need is a revolution.

#494
Simply regurgitating back to them

#495
exactly what they're saying to each other

#496
in their ridiculous echo chambers is all they want.

#497
And then, we can get what we want.

#498
Yes, Daddy!

#499
Daddy!

#500
Also they're riddled with insecurity

#501
and have serious daddy issues, so that helps.

#502
Guys, we have to listen to the young.

#503
Otherwise, we are doomed to have sex

#504
with only old people for the rest of our lives,

#505
and I won't do that.

#506
- No. - Right.

#507
Oh, my God.

#508
I never thought about that, man.

#509
So, you know what I say?

#510
Finger on the pulse, finger on the puss.

#511
- Eww... - That's gross.

#512
- I see what you're saying now. - So what do we do?

#513
I'll tell you exactly what we're gonna do.

#514
All right.

#515
Uh... Hi.

#516
- Hey, hey. - Mr...

#517
Cheadle... Donovan McNabb...

#518
Tiger Woods, Elvin...

#519
whatever your name is. Listen,

#520
we have come to the conclusion that

#521
you and only you have the knowledge,

#522
the experience and the authenticity to tell this story.

#523
So, we are gonna do the right thing. We're gonna, we're gonna

#524
do the woke thing,

#525
and hand complete creative control

#526
over to you...

#527
I feel like you were gonna say something else?

#528
- Well... - I think he was waiting for applause.

#529
Well...

#530
Oh. Okay. Uh...

#531
- Yeah! Yay! - Sure, sure.

#532
If you must.

#533
It's nice when it happens, isn't it?

#534
- Feels nice. - Sure. Nice when it happens naturally.

#535
When it happens naturally, I like it.

#536
Yeah, listen, the point is,

#537
we want you to know that we are allies.

#538
Great.

#539
- Okay? - We are allies.

#540
- We are your allies. - Up top.

#541
- Allies! - Yes, yes, yes.

#542
We're on your side.

#543
But were they?

#544
Lethal Weapon 7 was destined to be an inferno

#545
of quasi-wokeness and,

#546
good old-fashioned racism.

#547
Out of the smoldering ashes, however, I pieced together

#548
a cautionary tale.

#549
An exploration, not of what is gained by learning,

#550
but of what is lost

#551
by staying ignorant.

#552
Thank you. Thank you so much. Wow.

#553
Oh, my God. This is so humiliating.

#554
Where does he get off telling our story

#555
without even including us at all?

#556
And he made us look like assholes.

#557
- I feel used. - I feel misunderstood.

#558
What does he know about our experience?

#559
Yeah. I'll tell you, there's only one thing left to do.

#560
Make Lethal Weapon 8?

#561
- Yup. - Yeah, right?

#562
Yes. Yes!

#563
- I'll play Murtaugh. - Goddamn it, Mac.

#564
- I'll play Murtaugh. - No! No, no, no, no.

#565
- Did you not watch the... - I'll do it good.

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