Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S15E05 — The Gang Goes To Ireland

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 15, Episode 5 — The Gang Goes To Ireland

#1
All right. Try to get it all the way up under her nose.

#2
I'm just trying to stick it in her mouth.

#3
Under her nose should do it, and let it waft up.

#4
She's starting to wake up.

#5
- Wakey, wakey, Dee! - There we go!

#6
Good. I'm getting sick of trying to keep the hair out of the soup.

#7
It's not soup, it's stew, and...

#8
Same thing, don't correct me.

#9
You shouldn't feed it to an unconscious person.

#10
I'm trying to wake her up.

#11
She's not gonna eat it.

#12
It's not gonna wake her up.

#13
I don't think stew is arousing.

#14
What are you talking about?

#15
- What's going on? - The smells,

#16
the flavors! That's the point of getting the stew.

#17
What is this? Where am I?

#18
Remember when you were waving the first-class ticket to Ireland at us

#19
and bragging about that acting gig?

#20
- Yeah. - Yeah?

#21
Then you drank until you passed out?

#22
I... Okay.

#23
Yeah, well, good news.

#24
We took that first-class ticket, divided it into five coach tickets.

#25
And gave you just enough sleeping pills

#26
to keep you asleep so you could

#27
wake up in Dublin fully rested.

#28
No! You didn't do this.

#29
This can't be happening, no.

#30
We did. That's exactly what we did.

#31
Because we wanted to be supportive.

#32
- You didn't! - We're always there for each other.

#33
- No, we're not! - Right? In good times and in bad.

#34
- We are. - And speaking of time, you are late.

#35
You got 15 minutes

#36
- to get to the studio. - God.

#37
- No. - Good thing you woke up.

#38
- This can't be happening... - Slow down.

#39
Be sure to look to the right if you go in the road!

#40
They drive on the other side here!

#41
No, no, no, no, no. No.

#42
Oh, God damn it!

#43
Taxi? Taxi!

#44
Taxi! Taxi!

#45
Car!

#46
I see it, Frank, I can handle driving.

#47
Just go faster, God damn it!

#48
I can't believe you did this to me.

#49
Dee, we are driving you to work.

#50
We brought you to Ireland. We brought you here, okay?

#51
We didn't have to. It was hard to get you through customs.

#52
- Wicked hard. - We're doing this for you!

#53
Whatever. I think the studio's right up here.

#54
I'll call you guys around 6:00 or whenever I'm off.

#55
- Why? - So you can pick me up.

#56
- What? - Dee, we're taking time

#57
out of our vacation to drive you,

#58
you want us to pick you up?

#59
"Vacation"? You just said you were here for me!

#60
Yeah, we're here for you,

#61
but also for our vacation.

#62
I'm back in the motherland finally!

#63
I've always wanted to trace my family lineage.

#64
As the most Irish person here, I really think...

#65
Wait a minute, wait. Dude, I'm Irish.

#66
But not as Irish as me.

#67
You don't know that.

#68
- How do you know? - I have a shamrock

#69
tattooed on my thigh.

#70
- So what? - I'm gonna show you! Want to see it?

#71
- You're squishing me! - Car!

#72
- I see the car! Mac, stop! - God damn it.

#73
You're kicking my seat.

#74
Keep your ugly shamrock tattoo in your pants.

#75
Why did you get the tiniest car possible?

#76
I'm getting squished and sucking in diesel fumes.

#77
What did you want me to do?

#78
Rent a big obnoxious American truck

#79
like that one over there?

#80
That's exactly what we're trying to get away from.

#81
The tiny car, that's all part of the charm of Europe.

#82
Like driving on the left side of the road.

#83
Dangerous for Americans like you.

#84
But it's authentic,

#85
and that's what I'm going for.

#86
An authentic Irish...

#87
Get fucked!

#88
...Irish experience.

#89
Okay, just pull over, all right?

#90
Pull over and let me walk.

#91
You goddamn bastards!

#92
Here I am! "Obnoxious American MILF" reporting for duty, sir!

#93
You were supposed to be here an hour ago.

#94
I know, I know, I hit a little bit of traffic.

#95
But if you think about it, in a way,

#96
the character would be late, too, so it's not that big of a...

#97
Luckily, we're behind.

#98
We don't need you for an hour.

#99
Thank God, okay.

#100
Jesus Christ. What happened to you?

#101
Ah! Ow.

#102
Well, that's...

#103
That's a doozy, isn't it?

#104
We can't shoot you like that, it's disturbing!

#105
Well, it's not, it's not even real.

#106
It's just makeup.

#107
It's makeup left over from the show

#108
- I did this morning. - That's makeup?

#109
Yep, nothing to it but latex and blush.

#110
You know, I just forgot to... wash it off.

#111
Probably 'cause I never wear makeup in real life.

#112
'Cause natural beauty. I'll tell you what,

#113
since I do have time, I should pop out and wash

#114
my face and come right back, it's not a big deal.

#115
Just go on. Be back in an hour.

#116
- Don't be late again. - I won't.

#117
I'm one wet wipe away from being your MILF.

#118
Can we get cracking here, people?

#119
You're gonna want to F this so bad!

#120
This is so exciting.

#121
I already feel like I'm home.

#122
I cannot wait to see the house that my dad grew up in.

#123
Apparently, it's been in my family for generations.

#124
- Cool. Yeah, I mean, I dig it here, man. - Yeah.

#125
You get all the comforts of Philly.

#126
You got drunks, you got Irish people, you got...

#127
I guess that's the same thing,

#128
but you also get the mystical element of this place,

#129
you know, the banshees and the spirits and the sprites!

#130
And Shelley! Shelley's here, which is pretty cool.

#131
That's all made up, including Shelley.

#132
- He's not made up. - He's an imaginary friend

#133
- you had since you were a kid. - He's not imaginary,

#134
he's my pen pal.

#135
He's Irish, it's why he's Shelley.

#136
A pen pal that writes to you in a magical language.

#137
Dude, the guy's real, okay? And this is why

#138
- I know more about Ireland than you. - Stop!

#139
Stop right there!

#140
This is why Irish people hate Americans.

#141
You've got, like, two percent Irish in you,

#142
and you think you know more about Ireland?

#143
Do you have a shamrock tattoo on your body? No.

#144
I do, because that's my primary identity.

#145
Number one, Irish. Number two, gay.

#146
Number three, badass.

#147
You're none of those, so don't talk of them.

#148
Are you talking about how you identify or what you are?

#149
They're the same thing now, Charlie.

#150
I can have you canceled for even suggesting otherwise.

#151
- Right. - I have the power.

#152
Because I'm a gay man and you're just a straight, white cis male.

#153
Yeah. And Irish, so...

#154
Will you just be here for me?

#155
- Okay. - This is a huge day for me

#156
and I feel like you could...

#157
- you could support me... - All right!

#158
This is the circle of life coming full...

#159
Oh! It should be coming up right here.

#160
Yeah, the House of McDonald is at this address...

#161
here.

#162
Wow.

#163
Yeah, nailed it.

#164
Cool, so your dad grew up in a McDonald's or...

#165
No. No, my dad didn't grow up in a McDonald's.

#166
Sure? 'Cause this is the House of McDonald.

#167
You know what, dude?

#168
Maybe you are, like, from the McDonald family?

#169
Like, are you "the" Ronald McDonald?

#170
Is the hamburger clown named after you?

#171
I can't tell if you're making fun of me right now.

#172
Oh?

#173
We got to go find out.

#174
Want to get more information?

#175
- Let's get some information. - 'Cause you could be entitled to money.

#176
What the hell is this, Frank?

#177
Thought we were going to a distillery.

#178
You want an authentic Irish experience?

#179
There's nothing more Irish than a corporate tax shelter.

#180
Welcome to the worldwide headquarters

#181
of Frank's Fluids.

#182
Goddamn. What's that smell?

#183
What smell?

#184
Oh. It's Ralphie.

#185
Must've got trapped in here.

#186
Looks like he's fused to the carpet.

#187
- Uh-huh. Is that a cat? - It was.

#188
Okay, well, that is, that is grotesque.

#189
- I can't believe I don't smell that. - It stinks.

#190
- I don't smell it. - Guys! Acting emergency.

#191
Oh, goddamn, what is that smell?

#192
- That's Ralphie. He's fused. - Yeah.

#193
- Oh! - Whoa! Dee!

#194
- That looks bad. - I got myself a bit of a hematoma.

#195
- Can you guys help me? - It's okay, Dee. I got you.

#196
- Okay. - This is why we're here.

#197
- Yes. - I happen to have experience

#198
covering up blunt-force trauma, so...

#199
Oh. Uh-uh.

#200
- Good, so... - Yeah.

#201
- Simple fix. - Great.

#202
We simply need to redistribute the blood.

#203
- Great, do it, let's go. - That...

#204
- Okay. - Do it, bitch, go!

#205
All right.

#206
Oh, God!

#207
Ooh.

#208
Wow. Look at that.

#209
Let me see here.

#210
Oh!

#211
- Oh, shit. That's like magic. - Yeah.

#212
Now you guys can help me with my thing.

#213
We got to shred a bunch of documents.

#214
What? What are you talking about?

#215
Well, the thing of it is...

#216
that Frank's Fluids may or may not have been

#217
the official beverage supplier of Jeffrey Epstein.

#218
- What? - Jeffrey Epstein?

#219
Yeah, but before you judge me, know this.

#220
Yes, I was on the sex island,

#221
but only for the snorkeling!

#222
I didn't know about the kid stuff.

#223
Look, 95% of what went on down there

#224
- was not pedophilia. - Oh, yeah?

#225
No, the other five percent,

#226
that sullied the whole operation.

#227
- It sure did, Frank. - Sure did.

#228
Well, you know, it ain't just me.

#229
Your names are on those documents, too, remember?

#230
- What? Still? - God damn it, Frank!

#231
- Son of a bitch! - I don't have time for this!

#232
It'll be quick. It's only a couple boxes.

#233
Aw, shit!

#234
God damn it.

#235
Bullshit.

#236
This one's bullshit.

#237
All these family tree books...

#238
This one just fell apart.

#239
There's so many "Mc" and "Mac" names, too.

#240
How do we find anything?

#241
I found one in this gibberish book.

#242
There's a section on McDonald.

#243
It's not gibberish, you just can't read, dude.

#244
Well, no, I can read this. Here, check this out.

#245
"The McDonalds of County Cork

#246
"settled in the Lee Valley

#247
- "as far back as..." - Wait a second.

#248
This is, like, Irish or Gaelic

#249
or whatever they call it. You can read that?

#250
Well, if "Gaelic" or "Irish" is what you call

#251
the magical language that my pen pal taught me,

#252
yes, Mac, I can.

#253
You're telling me you can't read English,

#254
but you can speak and read a different language?

#255
I can read it, I can't speak it.

#256
Read something you can't speak?

#257
- Makes no sense. - I don't know,

#258
it's the mystery of the magic.

#259
Plus, these are Irish words,

#260
and my mouth is made for American words...

#261
So your imaginary pen pal was a real person?

#262
That's what I've been telling you.

#263
My mom was invested in me having a pen pal

#264
so she found me this kid, Shelley Kelly.

#265
I'm sorry, your pen pal's name was Shelley Kelly?

#266
- Yeah. - Have you thought

#267
maybe you were related?

#268
- Why? - Because you have the same last name.

#269
- He's from Ireland! - Jesus Christ! Okay, look.

#270
Follow me for a second.

#271
Your mom was a giant whore.

#272
- Yeah. - Okay.

#273
So maybe she banged her way through Ireland

#274
in the '70s, right?

#275
And maybe this is your half-brother.

#276
Dude, wait a second.

#277
Now you're making some sense here, because, like,

#278
this guy is the Irish version of me.

#279
You know? We're into the same shit.

#280
Cheese, ghouls...

#281
ghouls, cheese...

#282
Holy shit, man, this is crazy.

#283
The problem is, this library's got too many books.

#284
- What I got to do is... - You need a phone instead.

#285
- Well, I got to go to the source. - Of?

#286
I'm gonna call my mommy.

#287
Mmm?

#288
- Hey, Mommy! - Who is this?

#289
It's... it's me, Mac.

#290
Oh.

#291
Yeah, I'm in Ireland.

#292
I miss you, too.

#293
- She didn't say that. - Yes, she did.

#294
- Nah, she didn't. - She did. Hey, Mom?

#295
So, anyway,

#296
we're in Ireland, and I was looking for Dad's house,

#297
but the address you gave me was wrong,

#298
and I kind of can't find the Luther McDonalds anywhere.

#299
Yeah.

#300
What do you mean, "yeah"?

#301
Do you have any information on Dad or our heritage?

#302
- No. - What do you mean, "no"?

#303
You're not Irish.

#304
I'm not Irish?

#305
- Yeah. - Are you joking?

#306
- Nope. - My last name is McDonald.

#307
No.

#308
Are you saying Dad changed his last name?

#309
- Yep. - What's Dad's last name?

#310
Vandross.

#311
Dad's name is Luther Vandross?

#312
- Are you messing with me? - No.

#313
- Are you Irish? - Uh-uh.

#314
- What are you? - Dutch.

#315
- What's Dad? - Dutch.

#316
Am I Dutch?

#317
Yeah.

#318
No, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, slow down.

#319
Slow down. Be serious, Mom, be serious!

#320
Am I Irish?

#321
No.

#322
Please tell me that's not true.

#323
Please tell me that I'm...

#324
No! No!

#325
You Dutch?

#326
No, there's no way I'm Dutch.

#327
There's no way I'm...

#328
You shush! You shush!

#329
Everybody was on the island that weekend.

#330
Jizzaline...

#331
The computer guy with the little weird glasses?

#332
He didn't do anything with the kids.

#333
But he was really into the manatees.

#334
Which, by the way, also got very sexual.

#335
Frank, can you just stop talking about sexual things with manatees?

#336
The following year, he doesn't show up,

#337
the manatee's all bent out of shape.

#338
Frank, can you please stop?

#339
I'm looking for someone

#340
and you're distracting me.

#341
I mean, this manatee was so depressed,

#342
she actually swam into a boat propeller.

#343
Boom! Blammo!

#344
Mantacide.

#345
The moral of the story is

#346
the heart wants what the heart wants.

#347
It was all consensual.

#348
Except for the kids, thus the shredding.

#349
Ugh.

#350
Wait. Frank, Frank, I've found her.

#351
Who? The perfect woman with

#352
the perfect head of Irish hair.

#353
What the hell is that?

#354
With the hair thing, what are you, some kind of freak?

#355
Here's the thing.

#356
I've always noticed that redheads have a distinct odor.

#357
A pleasant odor, to be clear.

#358
But a peculiar scent

#359
that is quite different than all other hair types.

#360
And I've always wondered, is that a genetic thing?

#361
Or is it some sort of mutation that sprung from generations

#362
of being away from the motherland, so...

#363
I wanted to find a native with an authentic head of Irish hair.

#364
And this little lass over here

#365
is the perfect specimen.

#366
The perfect woman, I mean.

#367
Woman.

#368
She's the perfect woman.

#369
I'll be back.

#370
Yeah.

#371
Hi, how are you?

#372
- Lovely. How are you? - Great.

#373
I'm great. Are you from Ireland?

#374
How'd you guess?

#375
Oi!

#376
- Liar! - What the hell are you doing?

#377
What the hell are you doing? You're not Irish.

#378
Or if you are, that's a wig.

#379
There's no smell at all to you.

#380
Am I to believe you're a natural redhead with no odor?

#381
No odor at all? No, I don't believe you.

#382
Are you okay, hon? You seem a little nutted.

#383
No, I'm fine. If anyone's nutted, it's you.

#384
If "nutted" means that you're a liar.

#385
- Have you got a temp check? - What are you...

#386
Don't point that thing at me.

#387
Jesus. You have a fever.

#388
Okay, well, if I'm hot,

#389
it's only because you've riled me up with your lies.

#390
My friend and I have traveled a long way to this country and...

#391
- Is that him? - Yeah.

#392
You can't dump your rubbish in the beer!

#393
That's not rubbish, it's shredded documents

#394
from a sex island... I'm not gonna explain it

#395
to you because it sounds worse than it is.

#396
You need to leave!

#397
I'm going to leave. I want to.

#398
I'm gonna go find real Irish people,

#399
who have odors and don't make people smell them

#400
only to find out that they have no odor at all!

#401
That's crazy!

#402
Good day to you.

#403
Hey, Frank, we got to go, man, come on.

#404
We're getting kicked out. Someone lied and I got angry.

#405
Oh.

#406
Wait a minute.

#407
Hold on a second.

#408
- Hey, Charlie! - Yo, Frank.

#409
Hey, man. Can you come pick us up?

#410
We got booted out 'cause Mac's freaking out.

#411
He just found out he's Dutch.

#412
Oh, that's gonna be a whole thing.

#413
Oh, dude, it's a whole thing already. He's being annoying about it.

#414
Well, we just got tossed out of this pub

#415
because Dennis was smelling somebody's hair.

#416
You can't smell something that's got no odor, Frank.

#417
Really? Weird.

#418
Hey, look, dude, I found out

#419
I might have a half-brother or something.

#420
Maybe we can take this trip to the countryside?

#421
I'd really love to meet up with him.

#422
A brother? That's weird.

#423
Well, the country sounds good.

#424
I can fold in my shred-and-spread.

#425
You're doing a shred-and-spread?

#426
We haven't done one in years!

#427
I'm gonna kill myself, Frank.

#428
He's not really gonna do it, he's just being dramatic.

#429
- Do it, bitch! - Yeah, do it, bitch.

#430
I'm not... It's a cry for help.

#431
Yeah, no shit! Come pick us up, all right?

#432
All right, all right, goodbye!

#433
Wait, let me get this bag...

#434
Let's get this out of here.

#435
This is ridiculous, man.

#436
You're throwing it in a keg?

#437
What are you gonna do? I got to get rid of 'em.

#438
She has arrived!

#439
The obnoxious American MILF is walking.

#440
The MILF is walking.

#441
- You're two hours late. - Am I now? Gosh. Well,

#442
I did get caught up in a shred-and-spread,

#443
plus the time difference is hard.

#444
You can show me to my trailer now.

#445
And I'd love a cup of coffee. Two creams, please?

#446
Holy shit.

#447
What?

#448
I am so confused.

#449
Is this more makeup?

#450
Oh, goddamn! I mean...

#451
Yeah, yeah, it looks as though the makeup

#452
did redistribute down into my eye area.

#453
I think just a quick touch-up

#454
from a professional would do the trick.

#455
Ma'am, I don't know what's going on,

#456
but please leave my set.

#457
No, no... Come on. Give me a chance, please.

#458
I can still be an obnoxious American mom you'd like to F!

#459
Please, just give me a chance.

#460
I'm sorry, we've already recast your part.

#461
You!

#462
You two know each other?

#463
- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here?

#464
- I asked you first! - Okay!

#465
I've been backpacking across Europe.

#466
Some guy approached me,

#467
said I'd be perfect for an obnoxious American MILF.

#468
- Here I am. - You're not even an actor.

#469
- Neither are you. - You bitch!

#470
- You dumb bitch! - Security!

#471
- Get her off my set! - Don't start!

#472
- Security! - Don't you...

#473
Come on, man! Okay, okay, it's fine!

#474
Okay, it's fine. Everyone, listen, please.

#475
Please, I'm begging you.

#476
I'm begging you. I need this so bad!

#477
I need this worse

#478
than I've ever needed anything.

#479
Please give me a role.

#480
A speaking role. I'll say anything.

#481
I'll also do anything.

#482
That won't be necessary.

#483
Is it the black eyes...

#484
Because I don't trade roles for sex.

#485
Goddamn feminists ruin everything.

#486
- Come on, man. - Okay.

#487
Look, we're casting for the role

#488
of "abused wife" for a scene that shoots tomorrow.

#489
- Huh? - It's only one line, but...

#490
I suppose given your current face situation...

#491
Yes, I'll take it! I'll nail it!

#492
I'm gonna be fucking hilarious! Oh, my God!

#493
You'll see, you'll see how funny I am.

#494
- The role is "abused wife." - Yeah.

#495
There's nothing funny about it.

#496
Oh! Dramatic role.

#497
Even better. That's where the awards are.

#498
Yeah, whatever. Just be here tomorrow at 7:00 a.m.

#499
- Okay, yep, yep. - Don't be late.

#500
I won't. Abused wife! Is it Abused Wife Number One?

#501
Or... It doesn't matter. Oh, my God, I'm gonna nail it.

#502
Well, gentlemen, this driving experience has

#503
become more charming now that I've

#504
switched to driving on the correct side of the road.

#505
See, the Irish are so accommodating.

#506
They don't want to drive headfirst into a maniac.

#507
They will simply move to avoid us.

#508
Uh-huh.

#509
Dude, are you sick?

#510
I'm not sick.

#511
I think I'm coughing 'cause of the European exhaust.

#512
The air is probably thick with petrol.

#513
He can't smell nothing.

#514
- Plus he's got a fever. - What?

#515
Do you think you might have COVID, dude?

#516
I don't have COVID, okay?

#517
It's probably just allergies or something.

#518
Swerve, asshole!

#519
You want to collide with an oncoming car?

#520
Oh, my God, I'm on a call sheet!

#521
That's my name! I can't believe this!

#522
I'm gonna be an abused wife!

#523
Oh, this is the greatest day of my life... Oh, shit!

#524
Got to look right in Ireland.

#525
That would've been stupid...

#526
- Oh! - Shit!

#527
- No. - That's not good.

#528
- Man! - God damn it, Dee!

#529
Why weren't you looking?

#530
- Well, she looked right. - You got to look both ways.

#531
I mean, that's standard shit, man.

#532
- Don't yell at her, she's unconscious. - Frank, give her some stew.

#533
- I finished the stew. - All right, maybe

#534
breathe your stewy breath in her face?

#535
Stew and stew breath have never...

#536
You definitely have COVID, man.

#537
You're the only one that didn't get vaccinated.

#538
I'm fine. Now, we told Dee that we were gonna

#539
pick her up from her acting gig.

#540
We're gonna pick her up.

#541
Pick her up? I mean...

#542
She's all gangly and I'm gonna be crammed

#543
in the backseat with an unconscious person.

#544
Like, is there anything else we can do?

#545
All right, this is just gonna be much better,

#546
- I think. - Should've done this from the beginning.

#547
Yeah!

#548
Guys, I think we're finally on vacation.

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