Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S15E06 — The Gang's Still In Ireland

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 15, Episode 6 — The Gang's Still In Ireland

#1
Get the stew right up

#2
- under her nose. - Okay. Okay.

#3
And let it waft up in.

#4
She keeps moving and her hair keeps getting in the stew.

#5
Guys, hey, guys. You can stop. Stew has never woken anyone up, ever.

#6
Here, give me stew. I'll eat it.

#7
All right, fine. But I feel like the stew... No, see?

#8
Oh, it worked! Here she comes!

#9
- Hey, Dee! - Don't worry, Dee...

#10
Hi, Dee. Was it the stew that woke you up?

#11
What happened?

#12
Oh, don't worry. We're, safe and sound in Patty's Pub.

#13
What? We're back home?

#14
- Oh, no, no, no. - No.

#15
- It's... "Patty's" with a T. - Yeah.

#16
- P-A-T-T-Y. - What is going on?

#17
What... What time is it? What day is it?

#18
Wait, did I miss the thing?

#19
- What thing? Oh, the show? - The acting thing?

#20
- Yeah, you missed it. - No.

#21
- No. - Did you still want to do that?

#22
You still want to do... That's not gonna happen.

#23
Oh, no! Goddamn you.

#24
You're not gonna be able to walk back to the city 'cause we're way out in the...

#25
What? No!

#26
Goddamn it!

#27
I cannot believe you guys did this to me.

#28
Dee, can you please be grateful about this experience?

#29
I mean, take it in, will you? Here we are. We're in this charming little pub.

#30
You can smell fresh peat grass burning in the fireplace.

#31
You know, along with the, uh, the evidence of Frank's involvement

#32
- in a sex trafficking ring. - Alleged.

#33
Yeah, Dee, you got to embrace this.

#34
You know? All you're doing is complaining.

#35
This place is amazing.

#36
With the exception of all the sheep wool.

#37
Is that bothering anybody else?

#38
No, because we don't have COVID like you do.

#39
- You're sick. - No, I don't have COVID.

#40
Even the beer here sucks. Will you look at this? It's all foam.

#41
What are you doing?

#42
Oh.

#43
Sorry. We run our own bar,

#44
so I forget and sometimes I serve myself. I'm just gonna squeak by you.

#45
Actually, while I got you here, can I ask you a question?

#46
Do you know a fella in this town, goes by the name of Shelley Kelly?

#47
Yeah, everybody knows him. He's the, uh, local, uh, cheesemonger.

#48
Oh! He's the... cheese mongrel.

#49
Wow, I did not know he was a mongrel.

#50
Uh, how severe is it?

#51
Can he walk? Does he drool, or...

#52
- Monger, Charlie. Cheesemonger. - Cheesemonger.

#53
Mon... Cheese... Why are you saying it that way?

#54
Is he a mongrel or a monster? That's all I want to know.

#55
- I wonder if he's cute. - Who?

#56
Your brother, the cheese monster.

#57
Do not have sex with my brother, Mac.

#58
You know, when I was Irish first,

#59
then I wanted to find out what my heritage was.

#60
But now that I'm gay first, and that's my identity,

#61
then maybe I should just be plowing a bunch of dudes,

#62
and maybe a bunch of cheese monsters. I don't know.

#63
- Would you just... - There's gay or badass.

#64
You need to shut up, okay?

#65
Identity doesn't have to factor into absolutely every decision you make.

#66
All right? If a man wants to stand, he doesn't go,

#67
"What would a Dutchman do? Would a Dutchman stand?" Okay?

#68
And if an Italian wants to eat a sandwich,

#69
he doesn't go, "I have to eat plates of spaghetti because I'm an Italian."

#70
He just eats the goddamn sandwich.

#71
Okay? Oh, you fool.

#72
If you want to go out and bang every single guy in Ireland,

#73
just go bang every guy in Ireland

#74
and forget what your identity has to do with it.

#75
Or you could just find one guy, fall in love, get in a relationship

#76
and shut the hell up about it.

#77
- Please stop doing that. - Come on, man!

#78
If I got to stop mid-rant every time I want to order a beer,

#79
it's gonna interrupt my flow.

#80
Why don't you just keep track of what we're drinking

#81
and charge it to our individual rooms.

#82
Oh, there's only one room.

#83
- Hmm? - Yeah.

#84
One room? Wha... How's that gonna work?

#85
- Nah, that's good. - That's good?

#86
All of us crammed in one wool-infested room,

#87
that sounds good to you?

#88
You want an authentic European experience.

#89
- That's what it is. - That's too authentic, okay?

#90
I'm not staying here.

#91
I'm gonna rent a castle.

#92
Well, wait for me. I'm not staying, either.

#93
I'll tell you what, I'm not paying for this beer, okay?

#94
'Cause you can barely swallow this sludge.

#95
Oh, Dennis, hey.

#96
You should let me do the talking in there, okay?

#97
- Why? - Why?

#98
'Cause if you cough they'll not rent us the castle 'cause you have COVID.

#99
Dee, you bitch. I don't have COVID.

#100
Okay? I'm not gonna cough in there.

#101
You think I can't pinch off a cough?

#102
I will do the talking.

#103
Oh.

#104
Hi there.

#105
Beautiful day, isn't it?

#106
Grand, as you say.

#107
I think what they say is, "Top o' the mornin'."

#108
Uh, that's a stereotype. Yeah.

#109
Excuse my sister, she's, uh, not very good at talking.

#110
Um... So we're actually here looking...

#111
Uh-oh.

#112
Oh, gosh.

#113
You okay there, Dennis?

#114
Uh...

#115
Uh...

#116
Ha, looks like I'll be doing the talking.

#117
- No. - We would be looking for a castle,

#118
and we are very interested in modern amenities, please.

#119
You know, your thermostats and your remotes and shit like that.

#120
Are you jotting any of this down?

#121
Yeah, yeah, right. So... Sorry.

#122
You caught me a little off guard, is all.

#123
- So, you're-you're looking for a castle? - Mm.

#124
Mm-hmm.

#125
Is he all right?

#126
Yeah, he's okay.

#127
Well, yes and no.

#128
You know what it is? He's a mongrel.

#129
No.

#130
And that's why I've always been the talker.

#131
- Bitch. Bitch. - Oh, boy, did you hear that?

#132
Yep, here he goes. Here he goes.

#133
Yeah. We have to keep him in the basement in America,

#134
'cause one of his ticks is that he brutally masturbates himself.

#135
- No, no. - Oh, yeah.

#136
Yeah, he does a real number on it.

#137
Yeah. He's shredded it down

#138
- to a little tiny nub at this point. - No!

#139
Is what it is. No, no. He's saying,

#140
"Down there, there's barely anything left."

#141
- Damn it! - That's what he's saying.

#142
There's nothing left down there. Yeah, so,

#143
um, I don't see you doing a lot of castle searching.

#144
You bitch.

#145
He's also allergic to sheep.

#146
Go on, go on, out.

#147
Get out, you bastards!

#148
- Out. - Hello, sir?

#149
Oh, sorry. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I was...

#150
Just bashing some rats.

#151
I get it. It's cool. Don't worry about it.

#152
I bash a lot of rats in my business, too.

#153
And rats love cheese, so I imagine you get a lot of 'em here.

#154
- This is, like, the place for rats. - Yeah.

#155
Well, how can I help you?

#156
Uh, right, well, I'm looking for,

#157
a young man named Shelley Kelly. Is he around?

#158
I'm Shelley Kelly. Who's asking?

#159
Oh. I'm sorry...

#160
I'm looking for a younger man.

#161
I'm looking for the young Shelley Kelly. Is he around?

#162
Hey, you mind if I sample some of your jellies?

#163
Oh, no. Go on. Help yourself.

#164
Delightful.

#165
Well, I'm...

#166
I'm the only Shelley Kelly around here that I know of.

#167
Mm. Oh.

#168
This is the tits right here.

#169
Yeah, no, that... that doesn't make sense.

#170
See, Shelley Kelly is a kid like me. We're pen pals.

#171
Sweet Jesus.

#172
Charlie?

#173
That's a miss.

#174
It's got something in it like sand.

#175
It's full of sand.

#176
Yeah, I... I'm Charlie.

#177
I know what it is.

#178
It's seeds.

#179
Is there seeds in it?

#180
And there's too many of 'em.

#181
There's a lot of seeds.

#182
Uh... Uh...

#183
It was a bad one.

#184
That's buried in there.

#185
That's gonna be in there all week. Oh, God.

#186
What'd I miss?

#187
Hello! Hello... Hello?

#188
Oh, Father, Father, Father, I've got news.

#189
I've got wonderful news.

#190
Okay, so, I used to be Irish,

#191
and now I'm Dutch.

#192
Of course, I was badass the entire time, but when you surround yourself

#193
with people who aren't as badass as you, that tends to be quite isolating.

#194
The point is, I was confused.

#195
To be honest with you, I wanted to run through a bunch of pipe,

#196
if you know what I mean... You know what I mean.

#197
But then I decided, you know what?

#198
I only want one man inside of me.

#199
The Big Man. The Big Man upstairs.

#200
The only man that can fill me up.

#201
Well, and his son. And the Holy Spirit.

#202
I'll take all three of them at once. I've done that before.

#203
That was more in a physical sense, not a spiritual one.

#204
And believe me, it was messy.

#205
Totally worth it, though. I loved it.

#206
Either way, Father, what I have decided is that

#207
the most important aspect of my identity,

#208
it's not being gay.

#209
It's not being Irish. It's not being badass.

#210
It's being Catholic.

#211
Therefore, I want to become

#212
a Catholic priest!

#213
- Well, that's nice to hear. - Yeah, yeah.

#214
But perhaps we could talk at a more appropriate time.

#215
Oh. Uh...

#216
Yeah. Sorry. Sorry, everybody.

#217
I'll just get in the back of the line, and then, get the cracker,

#218
and then we'll talk later. Okay.

#219
Oh, Goddamn it, what the hell is this?

#220
That realtor screwed us. Probably because you caused a scene.

#221
What are you talking about, Dee? This place is amazing.

#222
I mean, I saw an old bell tower outside and what I think used to be a moat.

#223
Okay, this place is perfect.

#224
This place is not perfect.

#225
It's a ruin. We can't sleep here.

#226
Dee, I'm sure there's, like, a furnished area

#227
with, like, bedrooms and shit somewhere. I mean,

#228
what do you want to walk into a castle and have it feel like a Hyatt?

#229
- I mean, where's the charm in that? - Whoa.

#230
This place has a dark past.

#231
Murder, betrayal, beheadings.

#232
Well, you know, it's a castle, Dee.

#233
You know, people were going crazy in castles all the time.

#234
And beheading people, well, that was just

#235
their way of solving problems back then, you know.

#236
- That's tenth century charm for you. - Yeah.

#237
Yeah, this was in 2008.

#238
Two... What?

#239
Yeah. A mother went insane and beheaded all four children.

#240
- Just chopped their heads right off. - Well, that is...

#241
that's decidedly less charming, isn't it?

#242
It is. I'm not sleeping here, Dennis. It's very creepy.

#243
No, Dee. This is gonna be great. Trust me.

#244
This is gonna be awesome, okay? Just...

#245
I don't care for all the sheep, though. That's my only thing.

#246
All... all what sheep?

#247
- We haven't seen a sheep. - The sheep, the sheep.

#248
I'm sure they've been passing through...

#249
They've been passing through the castle?

#250
Why else would I be coughing and wheezing?

#251
You have COVID.

#252
To Charlie, my son.

#253
To the dad I didn't know I had.

#254
Well, I'm just sorry that I didn't get a chance to see you growing up.

#255
Yeah.

#256
And for what it's worth,

#257
I did love your mother.

#258
So did I.

#259
We all did.

#260
A wonderful woman.

#261
I banged her, too.

#262
All right, well, Mom got around.

#263
Well, yeah.

#264
Hey, this is jammed in there.

#265
What do you call it? What is that? A lingonberry seed or something?

#266
- The important thing is you're here now. - Yeah.

#267
And I don't want to waste any more time.

#268
No, neither do I. I mean, God, I've...

#269
I've always had so many questions, you know?

#270
About who I am and where I come from.

#271
And my...

#272
My family heritage, and... You know, it's good to have some truth about...

#273
Will you stop? You're just... You're sucking and slurping away.

#274
I'm trying to have a conversation

#275
- with my father. - It's jammed in there.

#276
I don't care, go to the bathroom...

#277
- I'm gonna need a jackhammer. - You're using a screw.

#278
You're embarrassing me in front of my dad here, man.

#279
Sorry about him.

#280
Charlie, I'm just glad that you're sitting here now.

#281
Yeah.

#282
My boy has found me, and now I'm glad

#283
Yeah, I get it.

#284
A dad I didn't know I had

#285
The first time round is a bitter pill

#286
But the second chance is better still

#287
And then we find new seeds to sow

#288
To grow our love we didn't know

#289
The Kelly lads, the Kelly boys

#290
We drink and laugh and make our noise

#291
We'll sync right up with all our songs

#292
So come ahead and join along

#293
Hooray! Hurrah!

#294
A fiddle-dee-doo, a fiddle-da-da

#295
The Kelly lads, the Kelly boys

#296
They drink and laugh and make their noise

#297
We sync right up with all their songs

#298
So come ahead and join along

#299
And I am Frank and I factor in somehow

#300
- I shouldn't have used a screw. - Jesus, Frank.

#301
- Oh, I'm gonna... - Go to the bathroom and clean it up.

#302
- Go, go. You're embarrassing me. - Where's the bathroom?

#303
Walking this path is a serious commitment.

#304
One that requires considerable training.

#305
Father, look, I've been S'ing and F'ing my way through life for far too long.

#306
I think it's time that I started sucking down the words of the Bible.

#307
And instead of looking for pieces of ass, I'd just look for peace.

#308
Well, your language leaves a bit to be desired,

#309
but your heart's in the right place.

#310
I think.

#311
So, to truly understand what this life is like,

#312
you need to spend some time with someone who's living it.

#313
Brother Thomas, I'd like you to meet someone.

#314
And I can't fight this feeling anymore

#315
I've forgotten what I

#316
Started fighting for

#317
It's time to bring this ship into the shore

#318
And throw away the oars

#319
Forever

#320
'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore

#321
I've forgotten

#322
Not him. Give me somebody else.

#323
- I'm sorry? - Father...

#324
I'm gonna be alone in the seminary

#325
with him, in the rectory?

#326
I mean, these are very triggering words.

#327
I will S and F him into oblivion.

#328
I mean, he looks like Paul Bunyan.

#329
I need more of, like, a... Elmer Fudd. You got any Fudds?

#330
Let me take a look.

#331
Yeah. What about this guy? What's his story?

#332
Gus?

#333
Gus? Yeah, I ain't falling in love with Gus.

#334
- Gimme him. - Ah.

#335
Sure.

#336
See, Dee? The bedroom's perfect.

#337
Dude, I think you need a ventilator.

#338
I just need a good night's sleep.

#339
Just go to bed.

#340
Oh, I agree with you, I just...

#341
Well, I don't know what to do with her.

#342
- What? - What?

#343
Who you talking to?

#344
Nobody. You're hearing things Dee.

#345
I think what I'm hearing is fluid fill up your lungs.

#346
Dee, just go to bed.

#347
Okay.

#348
It has to be tonight?

#349
Okay, Dennis, I don't like that.

#350
I don't like it.

#351
I'm not even talking to you. I'm talking to the castle.

#352
You're talking to the castle?

#353
Is... is it talking back?

#354
Dee, just go to bed!

#355
It's the hair, by the way.

#356
Okay...

#357
right now, are you talking to me or the castle?

#358
You.

#359
We were talking about beheadings earlier.

#360
It's the hair.

#361
What's the hair?

#362
Well, that's the trouble with heads, isn't it?

#363
The hair's not authentic.

#364
It's... it's been tampered with.

#365
That's why there's no smell. It's a... It's a lie.

#366
The hair is on the head.

#367
The hair is a lie, and therefore,

#368
it's better to just remove the head altogether.

#369
Okay. Okay, Dennis, you're very, very sick,

#370
- and you need to go to the hospital. - Silence!

#371
Dee, I can't breathe. I need to go to the hospital.

#372
Yeah, no shit!

#373
My God. I'm gonna call us an ambulance

#374
- and get us out of here. - Yeah.

#375
No, no, my phone's dead.

#376
Oh, there's no electricity in this goddamn place.

#377
Then go get the car and drive me.

#378
The car's out of gas.

#379
Then ring the bell!

#380
What bell?

#381
Go to the old bell tower and ring the goddamn bell, you bitch!

#382
Oh, God...

#383
Um...

#384
Goddamn it. Where's the stupid bell tower?

#385
No. No, no, no, no.

#386
Jesus Christ.

#387
Oh. Oh.

#388
Get off me! Get off me!

#389
Okay...

#390
Hello?

#391
Who is that?

#392
Your head is a lie.

#393
Dennis? What are you doing?

#394
You've tampered with it, and...

#395
we won't stand for it any longer.

#396
Oh! Dennis, this is just the COVID talking, okay?

#397
You're hallucinating.

#398
I don't have COVID.

#399
No, Dennis, please.

#400
Please, Dennis, it's me. Snap out of it.

#401
Off with her head!

#402
So, that's the house.

#403
- Oh, this place is charming as shit. - Yeah.

#404
Dennis would be creaming in his pants if he saw this.

#405
Right, well, language, Frank,

#406
you know, 'cause we're guests, so, yeah.

#407
- Yeah. - It's a lovely home.

#408
Are you sure okay with us staying the night?

#409
Oh, I insist. Yeah.

#410
I have a spare room is down the hall, and, I set up a cot for you there.

#411
Oh. Well, we'll take the cot.

#412
You... You'll both sleep on the cot?

#413
Uh, I think I'd rather take the bedroom, Frank.

#414
Won't you get lonely in there? What if it gets cold?

#415
There are plenty of blankets.

#416
What if I poop the bed? Who's gonna be in there to laugh with me?

#417
- What? You might shit the bed? - No, no, no.

#418
If that's the case, I have other sheets.

#419
- No, no, no, he won't. - One time.

#420
- It was fun... - There was a one-time incident,

#421
- It was a fun thing. - and it was a joke,

#422
and it really wasn't that funny, so...

#423
- It wasn't? - Uh... No.

#424
- I thought you thought it was funny. - Nope.

#425
Well, uh, I'm heading off.

#426
Yeah. Sounds good.

#427
- Good night. - Yeah, yeah.

#428
Hey, um, good night...

#429
Dad.

#430
Ah.

#431
Good night, son.

#432
- Oh! Seed! I got you. - Yeah?

#433
I found you, seed. Look at it.

#434
- I coughed it out. - Yeah. Gross. Yeah.

#435
Oh.

#436
I thought you'd be happy for me.

#437
Uh... Sure, I guess. Sure.

#438
Oh.

#439
I should eat it again.

#440
Then it would be funny 'cause I didn't learn my lesson.

#441
No, that wouldn't be funny. It'd just be kind of dumb, you know.

#442
- Oh. - Um...

#443
I think I'm gonna go to bed.

#444
- All right. - Yeah.

#445
- Uh... - So you're gonna stay in the room?

#446
Yeah, I'm gonna go to bed in here and...

#447
- I'll stay... - I'll stay on the... All right.

#448
Good night, Frank.

#449
Good night, Charlie.

#450
Good night, Charlie.

#451
Good night, Charlie.

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