Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S15E07 — Dee Sinks In A Bog

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 15, Episode 7 — Dee Sinks In A Bog

#1
Dennis.

#2
Wake up, buddy.

#3
Smell the stew, okay?

#4
Breathe in the arousing aromas

#5
of this delicious st... Ah, screw it.

#6
What the hell was that? That's hot as shit

#7
Yeah, that's a bowl of stew you took right in the grills.

#8
See? It does wake people up.

#9
Why am I in a hospital?

#10
And why is your head still on? Did they reattach it?

#11
Left the skin pretty loose I see.

#12
You didn't behead me, you idiot.

#13
You had a 105 degree fever

#14
and you were hallucinating.

#15
You were too weak to even lift the ax.

#16
You did collapse, shit yourself, and stink up the castle.

#17
You know, Dee, I, uh...

#18
I'm starting to think I might have had COVID.

#19
- Oh, yeah? You think? - Yeah.

#20
Mr. Reynolds, you're finally up.

#21
What is that?

#22
- It's stew. What's the update, man? - Stew.

#23
Uh, okay. How are we feeling?

#24
Uh, outraged, violated,

#25
disgusted at the looseness of my sister's neck,

#26
covered in stew,

#27
dragged to a dingy hospital where I'm

#28
about to be saddled with an enormous bill.

#29
Ah, there is no bill. It's free.

#30
Ireland has public health care.

#31
Well, then that'll be fine.

#32
It's free, huh?

#33
Then maybe I ought to get my neck done.

#34
Yeah, your sister's a stitch.

#35
Oh, yeah? Have you heard the one about the hot Irish doctor

#36
who has a fling with the hilarious American tourist?

#37
I could give you the punch line over drinks tonight, my place.

#38
Sure. Yeah, yeah. Sounds great.

#39
- Tonight it is. - Tonight it is.

#40
Looks like mama's about to have a little of the old 'luck of the Irish'.

#41
You know, I'm just so glad you're feeling better,

#42
Dennis, I really am.

#43
A couple of things about the castle.

#44
I do need you to clear out of here for the night.

#45
- What? - Mm.

#46
Dee, I haven't begun to do half the things I want to do,

#47
- now you're asking me to leave? - Yeah.

#48
Oh, Christ!

#49
Frankenstein in the house.

#50
- What is this? - What are you doing?

#51
Just want to reconnect with my kids.

#52
Not you so much, more Dennis.

#53
Like, you know, father-son thing.

#54
I mean, it's one of the strongest bonds there is.

#55
- Come on. Give me a kiss. - What are you doing?

#56
- A kiss? No! - Give me a kiss.

#57
Give your daddy a kiss.

#58
No! God. Get your lips away from me, Frank.

#59
What?

#60
- What's your angle? - What're you doing here?

#61
Charlie's got a new dad.

#62
A-a new dad?

#63
- Weird. - Yeah.

#64
I want to humiliate the jerk.

#65
I want to send his Irish ass packing.

#66
- He's jealous. - Yeah.

#67
Listen, I don't have any interest

#68
in the interpersonal dynamics between an old man

#69
- and his roommate/surrogate adult son. - Yeah.

#70
But if we can incorporate the castle into it in some way, then I'm in.

#71
- Done. - No.

#72
- No. - Yes.

#73
Goddamn it, no! You listen to me.

#74
This trip has been absolutely ruined because of you, okay?

#75
I have one chance tonight to have a good time.

#76
So here's what is going to happen.

#77
I'm going to go down to the bog to gather peat moss

#78
to burn it to get rid of the shit smell Dennis stunk up the castle with.

#79
Do not be here when I get back.

#80
Cool.

#81
She's...

#82
- Bent out of shape. - Yeah.

#83
Just me and you?

#84
Yeah.

#85
It's a little odd being one-on-one, though, you know.

#86
- I feel like we usually have a buffer. - Yeah.

#87
Yeah.

#88
So, Mac, when did you hear the call to become a priest?

#89
When God took away my Irish identity,

#90
and made me Dutch to smite me for the urges that He gave me

#91
when I made the original sin of being born.

#92
That's not the way God works, Mac.

#93
He doesn't smite us.

#94
Yes, He does. Remember the flood that took out the whole world?

#95
Remember? Then Noah made that ark, and he saved himself but not women,

#96
which was really cool.

#97
Not sure how he made more people after that.

#98
Could've been another rib situation. Then God made the Ark of the Covenant

#99
where he promised to never, ever do it again.

#100
Then people looked at it.

#101
He didn't like that, so he blasted them, too.

#102
The Nazis got their faces melted off.

#103
The guy with the whip and the hat was cool.

#104
I think you've mixed that story up with Indiana Jones.

#105
Oh. I did?

#106
Yeah, but listen,

#107
many of the stories in the Bible are metaphors.

#108
Parables with lessons.

#109
What's the lesson of the last one?

#110
You're looking at this all wrong.

#111
The Bible is a guidepost.

#112
Interpretations can change over time.

#113
They can?

#114
Yes, and so can the Church.

#115
Our God, the God we teach here, is a merciful God.

#116
One that loves us for exactly who we are.

#117
Otherwise, why would He have made us that way in the first place?

#118
Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

#119
Thanks, Gus.

#120
That's John Patrick Kelly. Killed by the plague.

#121
And his son William, also the plague.

#122
And Michael Kelly.

#123
He was attacked by the village loon, became a loon himself.

#124
He died from eating rocks, which he thought were eggs.

#125
Oof.

#126
Yeah, I've made that mistake, yeah.

#127
So, are all the Kellys' buried here?

#128
Uh...

#129
Honored, yes. Buried, no.

#130
They were all thrown from a cliff into the sea.

#131
You see, legend has it

#132
that only when a man is thrown from a cliff into the sea,

#133
may his soul be released.

#134
When I pass, I'll have the same done for me.

#135
All Kelly men must be thrown from a cliff into the sea.

#136
Wow.

#137
- That's pretty cool. - Yeah.

#138
What about the women?

#139
The women are thrown from a cliff as well.

#140
Mostly alive.

#141
Just to see if they can fly, as they're presumed to be witches.

#142
Right. Right.

#143
Well, we... we honor their spirits.

#144
Yes, their spirits watch over us. The men, that is.

#145
Ah.

#146
The women roam the land as terrible hags and banshees

#147
whose wailing warns of impending death.

#148
If you ever see a gruesome woman

#149
covered in filth with long, stringy hair,

#150
who's horribly shrieking in the night,

#151
the end is near.

#152
Whoa.

#153
I mean, how am I supposed to know what peat is?

#154
What am I? A botanist?

#155
Hey-o. I'll burn you.

#156
Be like lighting a match. That works.

#157
Oh.

#158
Hey-o. That's my guy.

#159
A selfie? You got it.

#160
Goddamn it.

#161
Dennis got me all worked up about my neck!

#162
Here.

#163
I mean, that's just insane.

#164
Maybe if I stand back a little bit.

#165
Let's see here.

#166
Oh!

#167
Ew.

#168
Oh shit.

#169
Oh... Help!

#170
Dennis!

#171
This is crazy, but I think I'm stuck!

#172
Am I sinking?

#173
Oh, shit, I'm sinking.

#174
Yes.

#175
Yes.

#176
- You're right. - Huh, who you talking to?

#177
- Nothing. It's just the castle. - The castle?

#178
Yeah, don't worry about it.

#179
- Yeah, no. - Okay, we've got it.

#180
- What? - It'll be a dinner!

#181
- Hmm? - A banquet of humiliation.

#182
Wait a minute. The old turd in the soup trick.

#183
- We're not... - Turd in the soup.

#184
We're not putting a turd in someone's soup.

#185
Can we be a little more sophisticated than that?

#186
All right, so you invite them to a classy dinner.

#187
You wine and dine the man while also pointing out all of his character flaws,

#188
and then you lure him over to the castle's murder hole.

#189
Is that like a glory hole?

#190
A predecessor to the glory hole, perhaps.

#191
It's a discreet opening concealed in plain sight,

#192
except, instead of for sex, it's used for murder.

#193
- You didn't see that? - No.

#194
No. Yeah, so you'll lure him under the hole,

#195
where I will douse him with boiling oil

#196
or hot tar or really any scalding substance.

#197
- Wait, you're gonna char the guy? - Yeah.

#198
- Gonna char him up? - Yeah.

#199
I'm not gonna kill him. It's got to be hot enough to be annoying.

#200
- Yeah. Burn him. - He's gonna get burned.

#201
Charlie's got to see him so we can expose him

#202
as the child-abandoning monster that he is.

#203
- Exactly. - FYI, I'll know exactly

#204
when to pour the boiling substance

#205
because I'm going to be hiding in this passageway here.

#206
I'm gonna take this painting, cover up the passageway.

#207
I'm gonna cut out the eyeholes so I can see everything that's happening.

#208
That's something I've wanted to do. It takes advantage of the castle.

#209
It happens to be the castle's preference for how this is all gonna go down.

#210
- Oh, right. - Yeah.

#211
Wow. I wouldn't have been able to think of this all by myself.

#212
I mean, you know, the sickness and anger inside of you is diabolical.

#213
- Way to go, son. - Well...

#214
I suppose all of your years of neglect and misdeeds

#215
have allowed me to harness the darkness inside me

#216
and to unleash it without conscience, so...

#217
Yeah, perhaps I owe you a...

#218
thanks for making me the man I am today, Frank. Thank you.

#219
You're welcome.

#220
Yeah, maybe I'll just um...

#221
- There. - Oh.

#222
Was that okay to do?

#223
Yeah, it was nice.

#224
Good.

#225
So, you're telling me

#226
that the Cain and Abel thing didn't actually happen?

#227
Metaphor.

#228
This is all so confusing.

#229
Yes, look...

#230
Our faith is... it's complicated.

#231
Can I admit something?

#232
You said you were born a certain way. You're... different.

#233
You have urges that, traditionally,

#234
the Church has been very clear about.

#235
Well... I have those urges, too.

#236
- You do? - Yes.

#237
I, too, have an eye for the lads.

#238
It's not uncommon. There's nothing wrong with it.

#239
It's who He made us.

#240
But, uh, our path,

#241
this path, is very clear.

#242
We must never act on those urges.

#243
That's gonna be really hard for me.

#244
That's what he said.

#245
- That's really good. - Thank you. I'm sorry.

#246
It just slipped out.

#247
That's what he said.

#248
Shh! Shh.

#249
Sorry.

#250
Help!

#251
- God, help. Hello? - Hello?

#252
- Hello? - Hello!

#253
- Hello... - W-W-Waitress?

#254
Oh... my God.

#255
What the hell are you doing out here?

#256
What are you doing out here with a toiletry bag?

#257
Are you gonna brush your teeth in a stream?

#258
No. I was gonna shave my legs.

#259
Ew. Gross.

#260
Um, hey, can you help a girl out and get me of this bog?

#261
Are you stuck in there?

#262
Yeah.

#263
I know.

#264
I also seem to be sinking.

#265
- And, uh... I know. - Uh-oh.

#266
And I have a date tonight with a real hot Irish doctor.

#267
Is he meeting you here, or...

#268
You got me. No, no. He's meeting me out there.

#269
- I bet. - That's why I want to get out.

#270
I also don't want to die.

#271
Give me a tug. I bet you could get me out.

#272
Yeah. Here. I got you. Let me just...

#273
- You're a livesa... - Grab my hand, and I'll... Psych!

#274
"Psych"?

#275
Your face. I'm kidding. No, I got you.

#276
- Okay. - Psych!

#277
Two times.

#278
- I will get you. - Hey, well, just quick tip for you.

#279
Nobody does "psych" anymore.

#280
- Do they not? - No, it's dumb.

#281
- I feel like it's classic. - You got me.

#282
- I got you. - I got you, you got me.

#283
Okay.

#284
It's fun. Here we go. Psych!

#285
My God. Come on. Knock it off. Cut the shit. Get me out of here.

#286
I will. All you have to do is one thing.

#287
Yes. Great. What?

#288
Say my name.

#289
Hmm?

#290
Just say my name. What is it?

#291
Oh, o... kay, yeah.

#292
Yeah, yeah.

#293
- It's... That's easy. - Okay.

#294
Just, just give me, give me a second.

#295
Well, Mac, this is it.

#296
The end of a typical day in my life.

#297
It's modest, pious, and somewhat dull,

#298
but, I can't imagine my life any other way.

#299
- What do you think? - Gus, knowing that there's somebody here

#300
that's exactly like me gives me the courage

#301
to want to do it, too.

#302
So, tomorrow, I am going to join the seminary.

#303
Grand! I am so happy for you.

#304
And I must admit, I'm happy for myself, too.

#305
Having someone here

#306
who knows how I feel will help keep me

#307
- on the straight and narrow. - Yes.

#308
And no matter how strong those urges get,

#309
and they will be strong,

#310
we must never give in to them. We would get kicked out.

#311
- Good. - Yes.

#312
And we'll never leave each other alone in the room with the wee lads.

#313
Yes, and I also think...

#314
Wait, what?

#315
Or the wee lasses, whatever you're into.

#316
There's no judgment here.

#317
And, of course, you know, if you do slip up,

#318
you go to a new parish, they sort the family out,

#319
have some chats, some money changes hands, perhaps not.

#320
No harm, no foul. You come back, you're grand.

#321
Yeah, I'm gay. What are you talking about?

#322
No. I'm gay. That's it.

#323
I'm a gay man.

#324
I'm a gay man who has trouble controlling his...

#325
urges with other gay adult men,

#326
and that's the end of it.

#327
Goddamn it.

#328
Welcome, welcome. Come in, come in.

#329
- You're leaving us out there forever. - Come on in.

#330
Welcome. Shirley, let me take your coat.

#331
Frank, his name is Shelley, okay? You know this.

#332
You couldn't take his coat if you tried.

#333
It's buttoned to his pants in Irish style.

#334
I'm not wearing a coat.

#335
Right, he's not even wearing a coat, man.

#336
Look, we brought you this. We made it ourselves, with love.

#337
You made cheese together?

#338
I think cheese should be sprayed out of a can,

#339
but to each his own.

#340
Normally, I would agree, but Shelley's opened my eyes.

#341
Oh, yeah? Well, that can be very blinding.

#342
But I'm sure, by the end of the evening,

#343
we'll all be seeing clear.

#344
Let's sit down.

#345
I don't like how you said that. I don't like how he said that.

#346
- Yeah. - Wow.

#347
- Well, come on in. - Cool.

#348
- Wow. Okay. - Very nice.

#349
Put it right there. Welcome. Sit down there.

#350
- Went all out? - Shirley, there.

#351
- Charlie, there. - Here?

#352
Welcome, and thank you all for coming.

#353
You know, it's been a very trying time

#354
with Charlie finding his biological father,

#355
who abandoned him when he was a child, by the way.

#356
Not judging, just the facts.

#357
Okay, I can't read the tone of this dinner. It's confusing.

#358
Are you being mean? Nice? What are you doing?

#359
No, I want everybody to be happy.

#360
In the spirit of that, I bought everybody a gift.

#361
So, just look under your seats,

#362
and you'll see a nice gift for you. Shelley, you go first.

#363
- Oh. - Wow.

#364
- Yeah. - Okay.

#365
Very nice.

#366
Swim goggles?

#367
Yeah, they're good ones, too.

#368
They'll protect your eyes from any chlorine

#369
or oils or any other hot liquid that might come in contact with your face.

#370
That's kind of you, Frank, thanks.

#371
- I'm not seeing a present for me. - No.

#372
Just the one gift, for Shelley.

#373
Eat up. Yeah.

#374
Eat it while it's hot.

#375
It's, uh, butternut squash soup.

#376
And for the special guest, there's a couple meatballs in there.

#377
Didn't put any meatballs in that soup.

#378
- Do you hear something? - Yeah.

#379
It's probably your stomach grumbling from hunger.

#380
- Eat up before they get cold. - Why don't I get any meatballs?

#381
Now, just for the special guest. Eat up, Shel.

#382
Wait. Don't eat that.

#383
What's in the soup, Frank?

#384
Just butternut squash. A simple soup.

#385
Are the meatballs turds?

#386
What? No, they're homemade meatballs.

#387
Shelley, eat them up before they get cold.

#388
- Go on. - No, don't eat them.

#389
- Go on, Shelley. - Frank, you eat a meatball.

#390
You want me to eat the meatball?

#391
Yeah, just eat a meatball. Eat one.

#392
- All right. - Grab a meatball, scoop it out.

#393
Delicious.

#394
Now, Shelley, have, have a meatball.

#395
No, no, no, no.

#396
No, Shelley doesn't want one yet.

#397
Chew it. Chew it.

#398
And then swallow it.

#399
Chew it up.

#400
Ah! I knew it! I knew it, Frank!

#401
You're not trying to bring us closer, you're trying to drive us apart!

#402
I knew you couldn't host a dinner without a motive.

#403
All right, you got me. Okay?

#404
I'm tired of you hanging out with him the whole vacation.

#405
I mean, go ahead, go, have your fun,

#406
but, when you get back to Philly,

#407
I don't want to hear the name Shelley.

#408
I'm not coming back to Philly, Frank!

#409
I think there's another man in this room.

#410
Never mind him. What'd you say?

#411
I said I'm not coming back, Frank.

#412
I'm gonna stay here, work in my dad's shop with him,

#413
if that's all right with you.

#414
That would make me the happiest man.

#415
Well, you do that,

#416
don't even think of coming back because we're finished.

#417
That's the end of it.

#418
If that's how you feel, we'll get out of your hair.

#419
Come on, Dad. I'm sorry about this.

#420
Thanks for the goggles, Frank.

#421
Frank! What the hell was that?

#422
Charlie picked Shelley.

#423
I... I'm talking about the turd soup, man.

#424
I'm starting to get caught up in this father-son thing, too,

#425
then you put a turd in your mouth. My God.

#426
He had me up against the wall, what was I supposed to do?

#427
Not eat a poopy.

#428
Clementine? Valentine?

#429
Diana? Denise?

#430
Dennis? Dane?

#431
Goddamn it!

#432
I've named every name in the world! How have I not gotten it yet?

#433
No, no, no. You got it a while back. It's just...

#434
I'm really enjoying watching you struggle.

#435
You drunk bitch!

#436
Okay.

#437
I'm gonna save you!

#438
Unlike you, I'm not a psychopath.

#439
Oh, ugh, God. Okay.

#440
Okay. Oh... Oh, God.

#441
Now I'm in it.

#442
Hold on. No. Let go. No, let go!

#443
- You're doing it. - You're pulling me.

#444
- Yes. - What are you doing?

#445
- No, no. - Thank you!

#446
It's working.

#447
- You're doing it. - Let me out.

#448
- You are my hero. - My legs are stuck.

#449
- Yes! - Wait!

#450
- Wait, now I'm stuck. - You're stuck?

#451
I would suggest don't move, you're gonna sink.

#452
Help me out.

#453
I'm not gonna. I got a date,

#454
- but I'll come back. - No.

#455
You can't leave me here!

#456
Oh, you dirty bitch!

#457
I'm gonna kill you!

#458
I'll be back after my date!

#459
Thank you so much!

#460
Help!

#461
I'm so sorry about Frank. I...

#462
He tried to feed you shit. I'll never forgive him.

#463
Charlie, it's good to forgive.

#464
You know, a true Kelly always puts things right with the men in his life.

#465
Yeah.

#466
Not so much the women.

#467
Thus, the curse of the banshees.

#468
Right.

#469
Help! Help!

#470
Help!

#471
- Help! - What is that?

#472
Are you seeing that? What is that?

#473
What was that?

#474
A banshee.

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