Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S15E08 — The Gang Carries A Corpse Up A Mountain

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 15, Episode 8 — The Gang Carries A Corpse Up A Mountain

#1
Mmm, this stew is really doin' it for me now.

#2
Yeah, 'cause you're using it as food, instead of as a reviving mechanism.

#3
Look, there's that truck again.

#4
Oh, God damn it!

#5
You're telling me there's gonna be obnoxious Americans on this hike?

#6
That's the last thing I wanna see.

#7
- Hey, you guys. Wait up a second. - Oh.

#8
Why're you carryin' all that stuff? We're goin' on a day hike.

#9
Nah, I just wanna make sure Charlie realizes I'm still useful.

#10
In case he or Shelley needs a drink or something to eat.

#11
You got piss in that canteen?

#12
No, I got Gatorade in that canteen.

#13
The other one's got the piss, in case things go bad.

#14
Oh, there he is.

#15
- Oh. Hey. - Charlie!

#16
- Yo, pal. - Charlie.

#17
Oh, hello. I see you all fell for my ruse.

#18
What ruse? You asking us to go on a hike with your dad, and us saying yes?

#19
Oldest trick in the book.

#20
Asking someone to do something?

#21
Exactly.

#22
And then, them doing it?

#23
- Precisely, yes. - Wait a minute, where's Shelley?

#24
You said he was coming with us.

#25
Oh, Shelley's coming with us.

#26
Yeah, he's goin' on a hike all the way up the mountain.

#27
Only thing is, he can't really walk. So, we're gonna have to carry him.

#28
- Oh. - Uh...

#29
You know, no offense, Charlie, but Shelley's fat as shit.

#30
- Yeah. - No offense taken, Dennis.

#31
Because he is fat as shit. But, um...

#32
He won't really mind us saying that because he's dead.

#33
What? What the hell are you talkin' about?

#34
I'm talking about Shelley Kelly.

#35
My dad.

#36
He's dead.

#37
Oh, shit!

#38
But this is crazy.

#39
No, it's not that crazy, Mac, all right?

#40
It's a Kelly family burial tradition.

#41
We're gonna carry the man to the top of the mountain,

#42
then we're gonna chuck him over the side.

#43
I... I'm not gonna do that.

#44
Yeah, I'm not doing it either.

#45
Not because I don't think it's awesome.

#46
I think it's totally awesome.

#47
I'm a little worried about my back.

#48
- Your back? - Your back?

#49
You've always said that your back has the symmetry of the Vitruvian man.

#50
And it's the foundation of your structural essence.

#51
Well, why would I wanna ruin my essence, Mac? I'm not doin' it.

#52
The men in my family have done this for thousands of years,

#53
and it's really important to me that we keep this tradition going. Okay?

#54
Now, I hate to say this, you know, but it is an emergency,

#55
so I'm just gonna blurt it right out.

#56
Bros before hoes.

#57
- He's right. - Yeah. He's got us.

#58
- My God. - Bros before hoes.

#59
- Bros before hoes. - He's right.

#60
That doesn't fit here. "Bros before hoes"?

#61
What does that have to do with anything?

#62
It's a catch-all, Dee.

#63
Let's just grab a piece of the bag and we'll get it over with.

#64
- This'll suck... - Bros before hoes.

#65
- Bros before hoes, come on. - Fine.

#66
And hoes too!

#67
There's gotta be a better way.

#68
Isn't there, like, a sled or a wagon or something?

#69
No, they didn't slide my ancestors up the hill,

#70
they didn't wagon them. They carried them!

#71
I gotta be honest. I'm getting a little worried about my back.

#72
Can I suggest something?

#73
What if we burn the body and carry the ashes up the hill?

#74
No, no.

#75
I could consecrate them?

#76
Look, no one is going to torch or consummate all over my dad.

#77
Yeah, we're here for Charlie. Charlie, you hungry? You want a snack?

#78
I got egg or you want... Want some gorp?

#79
Or how about a... How about a wine spritzer?

#80
Ooh, I'll take a spritzer.

#81
Bros before hoes, Dee. Frank?

#82
Can I have a white wine spritzer?

#83
No, no. They're for Charlie. Charlie...

#84
Charlie, order me a wine spritzer.

#85
One spritzer for Mac, please, Frank.

#86
Charlie, order me one, then.

#87
It is bros before hoes and not all the bros have been spritzed.

#88
So, let's spritz Dennis.

#89
I don't want one. Can I suggest something else?

#90
What if we... Now, bear with me, here.

#91
What if we chop the body up? And we carry it up in pieces, right?

#92
Or melt it somehow.

#93
- Yeah, like you did to Dee's doctor guy. - What?

#94
- Frank, shut up. - You didn't tell her?

#95
Tell me what?

#96
Well, when that doctor showed up at the castle, you weren't there.

#97
So, Dennis poured hot oil on him.

#98
- Charlie, you sure you... - What?

#99
- Dee, you gotta... - Shit! Ah! Come on!

#100
- Can we not drop my dad? - Come on!

#101
What is he talking about?

#102
Don't worry about it, Dee. Come on. It... It wasn't even that hot.

#103
Did you use the murder hole?

#104
Dee, don't get mad at me, okay?

#105
The guy showed up when you weren't there.

#106
What was I supposed to do?

#107
Oh, I don't know. Not scald him?

#108
Come on. You weren't there to enjoy him, so I enjoyed him.

#109
Per the castle's wishes.

#110
You still talking to the castle?

#111
I thought that was a COVID thing.

#112
- Oh, Dee, let it go. Let it go. - Oh!

#113
Oh, my God. I cannot believe this. I'm out of here.

#114
Hey! Wait, wait, wait, wait. You can't go.

#115
You killed my dad with your stupid banshee curse.

#116
- My stupid what? - That's why he died.

#117
Every Kelly saw a banshee right before he died.

#118
My dad saw you. So, you gotta be here.

#119
Charlie! Banshees aren't real!

#120
- Is that what it was? - Don't look.

#121
Yes, that could be it.

#122
You know what, fine! Go! We don't even need you.

#123
We were probably gonna throw you from the top, anyway.

#124
- I thought about it. - Did you think about it?

#125
- I did, too. - I was too.

#126
We gotta play it safe, you never know.

#127
- Gotta be sure. - What if she's a witch?

#128
What if she's a witch?

#129
Oh, yeah, I'm...

#130
- Frank? You okay? - I'm all good, yeah.

#131
- We're almost at the top. - I see it.

#132
- Here we go. The corner, here. - Yeah.

#133
Hate to admit it, but this is a lot heavier without Dee.

#134
- How much weight was she bearing? - I don't know.

#135
Well, it's that monstrous spine of hers,

#136
the scoliosis hardened it into petrified wood.

#137
Unlike my back, which is pretty much all muscle...

#138
Whoa! Whoa!

#139
- You okay? - You all right?

#140
Yeah. I'm good, I'm good. I just...

#141
What did you trip on?

#142
I don't know. Just something on the ground or something.

#143
Let me go jump back in there.

#144
Wait, wait a second.

#145
Did you guys notice that the body didn't get heavier when Dennis let go?

#146
No, if anything, it feels lighter.

#147
Significantly lighter.

#148
That's odd.

#149
Uh, well, I don't know how something like that could possibly happen.

#150
What would explain something like that?

#151
Could it be, maybe, the banshee curse? Does it...

#152
Were you not carrying it?

#153
What are you talking about? Not carrying it?

#154
Yeah, I was carrying it.

#155
Why did it get lighter?

#156
My God! It looks like he was draggin' his feet back here.

#157
- Were you hanging on it? - No.

#158
He must've tripped and lost his grip, and that's how he fell.

#159
Oh, God damn it!

#160
- You weren't holding it. - Mac, no... Come on...

#161
Time out. Guys, can we please not make dropping my dad a thing, right?

#162
If you get frustrated, just place the man down.

#163
I'm sorry. I get frustrated, I throw.

#164
All right, listen, guys. Yes. Fine.

#165
Yeah, I was hanging on the bag a little bit,

#166
just from moment to moment, just a tiny, tiny bit, okay?

#167
I was trying to decompress my Vitruvian spine.

#168
I'm sorry! I told you guys it was something I was worried about.

#169
Guys, we got bigger problems than this.

#170
How we gonna get that up that hill?

#171
- All right... - That's steep.

#172
It's gonna suck, but we'll just have to carry it.

#173
Hold on a second, Charlie. Let's think about this.

#174
Now, while I do not approve of Dennis riding your dead dad,

#175
I think we have to think about this from an engineering perspective.

#176
Now, as a Dutch man, I think I would look at this the way

#177
I would think of a windmill or a dam.

#178
Cool. How's a windmill gonna help us?

#179
I haven't been Dutch long enough to know.

#180
If we had a really giant windmill, we could just blow him up the hill.

#181
Giant windmill. We could blow him up.

#182
Do you have your giant windmill in your bag?

#183
Hold on a second. Let me suggest something else.

#184
What if we, uh... What if we slide him up the steep part of the hill?

#185
Yeah, wait. Frank, do you have a tent in that bag?

#186
Yeah, I got a tent. I got a tent.

#187
How's that for being resourceful, Charlie?

#188
- Okay. Now, this is good. - Okay, okay.

#189
Charlie, we're still honoring your dad.

#190
We're just sliding him up this one section. That's it!

#191
All right, fine.

#192
We'll slide the man up the hill. Just this part.

#193
But then we'll go back to carrying him. All of us, please

#194
Yeah.

#195
All right, pop the tent out. Let's get it.

#196
Help me with this thing. You gotta...

#197
- Keep it on. I'll get it out of here. - Okay.

#198
One, two, three. Go!

#199
One, two, three.

#200
One, two, three.

#201
- One. Two. - Two.

#202
Three.

#203
Fat bastard! Go, go, go!

#204
And we made it, yes!

#205
That worked out, good!

#206
I gotta say, that still felt respectful.

#207
- That was okay. - Exactly.

#208
I actually feel like that was a back-strengthening exercise for me.

#209
- Awesome. - Right, good.

#210
Let's just take a rest here. All right?

#211
- Okay. - You want gorp? Anybody into gorp?

#212
- Yeah! Yes! - Let me get it out.

#213
Maybe, guys, let's have a couple of spritzers.

#214
Spritzer for Mac, spritzer for Dennis.

#215
And then we'll get this old bitch up the hill.

#216
All right, it's gonna be good.

#217
Whoa! Whoa!

#218
Shit! My God!

#219
Whoa!

#220
Oh! Ooh!

#221
Oh! Oh, he's still going.

#222
Oh...

#223
Oh...

#224
- Okay, that's my bad. - Okay.

#225
That is, uh... That's gonna be a mess inside that bag, guys.

#226
Oh, yeah. That's one big sack of Irish stew.

#227
Yeah, yeah. Okay, all right.

#228
Okay, this isn't a problem. All right, I...

#229
What do you say, we go back down there

#230
and we dump out whatever liquid is probably in that body bag

#231
and then that'll lighten the load.

#232
- Okay, that works for me, yeah. - Okay.

#233
And then we can carry it up, no problem.

#234
All right. I'm starting to see myself as more of a problem-solver.

#235
I think that actually could be a new identity.

#236
I'm gonna put that on the list. You'll wanna hear this.

#237
So, uh, Dutch first,

#238
Dutch first, then gay, then problem-solver.

#239
Can you repeat that back to me?

#240
Shut up! Oh, my God! All right? You're Irish, Mac.

#241
Yeah. You're not Dutch!

#242
- What? - You're Irish.

#243
But we knew you were gonna be so annoying about it on the trip,

#244
that it'd be the only thing you talk about,

#245
so we paid your mom to say you were Dutch.

#246
- It cost us a couple of loosies. - Yeah.

#247
Your mom does not like you, dude.

#248
Yeah, I mean, Luther Vandross, Mac, really? Luther Vandross?

#249
- Come on. - But somehow it's made it even worse!

#250
You're talking about your identity even more. I can't believe it!

#251
- Why would you do that? - By the way, the tattoo?

#252
Can we talk about that? The shamrock tattoo...

#253
- Wanna see it? - No, I don't wanna see it!

#254
You're getting rid of all the other tattoos and not the worst tattoo?

#255
- You're keeping the shamrock? - I want it gone. We want it gone.

#256
- It's a bad tattoo, Mac. - Get rid of the shamrock.

#257
You thought you'd unravel my entire identity?

#258
- Nothing's unraveled! - We didn't unravel anything!

#259
You've always been you!

#260
Fine, you know what? You take that liquid meat body bag,

#261
you get it up the hill by yourself, I'm out.

#262
Is he getting rid of the tattoo?

#263
Are you getting rid of the tattoo?

#264
You're getting rid of the tattoo?

#265
I'll get another shamrock tattoo on the other leg.

#266
- Don't you dare! - Oh, I'm gonna do it.

#267
Don't you dare get another shamrock tattoo, you son of a bitch!

#268
- Ah, God damn it. - All right.

#269
Nobody admit this to Mac, but I feel like he was carryin' a ton of weight.

#270
Yeah. That would be another one of his annoying identities.

#271
- The man who could carry stuff. - Yeah.

#272
Wait, I gotta take a break.

#273
- I gotta take a break. - All right.

#274
Guys, please, just say, "I gotta take a break,"

#275
and gently place him down.

#276
Stop droppin' him over and over again!

#277
Look, this isn't working, okay?

#278
You don't wanna burn the guy?

#279
Fine. Personally, I don't understand it.

#280
There are other solutions to this problem.

#281
Let's just chop the body up. It's already mangled.

#282
I'm just trying to get him to the top of the mountain as per his wishes.

#283
He lived a hard enough life.

#284
You know, he slaved away as a cheese monster or whatever.

#285
He died with his lungs filled with fluid,

#286
he was gasping for air.

#287
The least we can do is send him off with some dignity.

#288
Wait a second, what did you say?

#289
- How did your dad die? - He died from a banshee curse. You know.

#290
No, the thing about his lungs being filled with fluid?

#291
When we got to the hospital,

#292
the doctor said his lungs were filled with fluid,

#293
he couldn't really breathe.

#294
They tried to get him on a respirator. There was no time. He died.

#295
- Oh. - Well, buddy, that sounds like COVID.

#296
COVID? What... So, the poor guy's dying from a banshee curse

#297
and he's gotta deal with COVID on top of everything else?

#298
Did you give him COVID?

#299
Me? I never even interacted with the man.

#300
I was behind a stone wall and a painting that night.

#301
You think I'm shooting COVID laser beams out of my eyeballs?

#302
I don't know how it works.

#303
You're the only one who didn't get vaccinated.

#304
I got the shot. Frank got the shot.

#305
The shot? The government shot? I didn't do that.

#306
What? You're not vaccinated?

#307
Oh, yeah. I'm fully vaccinated.

#308
I got the non-shot kind.

#309
What? Non... There is no non-shot kind, Frank.

#310
Of course there is.

#311
The... The hydro-pills and the bleach

#312
and the... the horse dewormer.

#313
The President's stuff. It was...

#314
Ah, Jesus. Why would you not take the shot?

#315
Well, they put the thing in your arm, with the chip.

#316
And it goes inside your body.

#317
Yeah, I heard the nerd on the island talk about it.

#318
Once they get that thing inside of you,

#319
they can control your thoughts.

#320
They take your thoughts, download 'em, put 'em into a manatee.

#321
What's he talking about?

#322
Why is he talking about manatees?

#323
This is what I'm learning. I had COVID,

#324
I gave it to Frank, he gave it to your dad.

#325
- Frank killed your dad. - God damn it!

#326
Wait a minute. To be fair, COVID killed your dad.

#327
I just gave it to him.

#328
Well, this is insane. This is insane, all right?

#329
I'm outta here. I can't do this.

#330
You're leaving?

#331
Well, go...

#332
There it is, there it is.

#333
God damn it! This is exactly what I was worried about. Oh!

#334
It's the end of the Vitruvian era. It's over.

#335
God damn! God damn!

#336
My essence has been ruined by tiny cars, castle beds, and...

#337
God damn! I hate this godforsaken country!

#338
Ah, man.

#339
Hey... Probably fakin' it. Yeah.

#340
Eh...

#341
Look.

#342
I'm sorry if I gave your dad COVID.

#343
I mean, if that's the case.

#344
I mean, we don't have proof.

#345
It's like the Epstein thing.

#346
Look, Frank, you can stop.

#347
I forgive you, all right?

#348
A Kelly always forgives.

#349
Uh, the men, that is.

#350
- Not... Not women, so much. - Mmm.

#351
For what it's worth,

#352
I'm sorry I'm not your real dad.

#353
Thanks, Frank.

#354
I'm kinda sorry, too.

#355
But don't you worry. I'll always be there for you.

#356
I'll always have your back.

#357
- Yeah. - You thirsty?

#358
- Yes. - Oh! Here, try some of this Gatorade.

#359
- Thank you. - There you go.

#360
- Is that piss? - Whoa!

#361
Oh! That's not supposed to be the piss one.

#362
Why do you have a piss one?

#363
- Oh, here, here. - Why is there always a piss one?

#364
- Wash it out with Gatorade. - God damn it, Frank!

#365
That's piss, too.

#366
- Oh, no! - What the fuck?

#367
I must've got confused and pissed in 'em both.

#368
- Wait, wait. I got a spritzer. - God damn it!

#369
- How about a spritzer? - I don't want a spritzer!

#370
Mac drank all the spritzer.

#371
Why do you have canteens full of piss?

#372
Why is it always something crazy with you? God damn it.

#373
Look, I'm gonna do it alone. I don't need your help. Just go.

#374
- No, Charlie. - Just go.

#375
I don't need your help, Frank.

#376
Charlie!

#377
- I hate this place. - It's the worst!

#378
If there's anything I have learned from this godforsaken rock,

#379
it is that I never wanna see any of you assholes ever again!

#380
Oh, Dee, don't worry about it.

#381
Because as soon as I figure out who or what I am,

#382
you'll never see me again!

#383
- You're Irish. - You're Irish!

#384
- You're Irish! - You're an Irish gay guy.

#385
Shh!

#386
You are screaming.

#387
Haven't you noticed that everyone else in here

#388
is speaking at a normal volume?

#389
Shut up! Shut up. Shut up.

#390
- You listen to me, you bitch. - Get her, banshee.

#391
I will speak at whatever volume I choose,

#392
and if you don't like it, you can suck my big, fat dick!

#393
One volume? For every single person in the whole wide world?

#394
That's socialism, and I won't stand for it!

#395
We should be able to speak at whatever volume we identify with!

#396
Because that is the American way!

#397
But you are not in America!

#398
We are America, sweetheart!

#399
And we carry our country with us wherever we go!

#400
Because we love her!

#401
And when you love someone,

#402
you can't bear to leave them behind!

#403
Not ever!

#404
God damn it!

#405
I can't do this!

#406
I'm sorry, Dad.

#407
I can't do it.

#408
This isn't fair.

#409
I shouldn't have to carry you up this hill.

#410
You never carried me up a hill.

#411
You never picked me up from school, you didn't read me bedtime stories.

#412
You didn't carry me on your shoulders.

#413
You didn't bounce me up... You weren't there!

#414
And I needed you!

#415
I needed you, Dad!

#416
You were supposed to carry me!

#417
You were supposed to carry...

#418
Oh, Frank's right. I'm glad you're dead.

#419
I'm glad you're dead.

#420
Now I don't have to spend the rest of my life

#421
waiting for you to pick me up.

#422
- Hey, buddy! - Hey!

#423
Charlie! I'm so sorry I killed your dad.

#424
But I'm even more sorry that we left you behind.

#425
We should've never left you, buddy.

#426
We should've never left America!

#427
- Yeah. - Should've...

#428
- I miss Philly. Let's go home. - Yeah, let's...

#429
I may be Irish, but I'm American-Irish first.

#430
How did you get the truck?

#431
The American way. I threw a lot of cash at the owner.

#432
Come on, let's put him in the back

#433
and throw your dad off the cliff.

#434
- Yeah. - All right, come on!

#435
Come on, Charlie!

#436
One. Two. Three!

#437
- Ooh! - Oh!

#438
Shit!

#439
Okay, uh...

#440
It was supposed to go in water. Maybe they do this at high tide.

#441
They probably do, yeah.

#442
- Yeah. - Yeah.

#443
The birds will get him.

#444
Should we try to scramble our way down and throw him in the water?

#445
I don't want to...

#446
There's a bunch of kids down there.

#447
There's kids? That's good.

#448
They'll find the body. They'll call the cops.

#449
It'll be like a Stand By Me situation.

#450
- It might be fun for 'em. - You know what, guys?

#451
Here's what I'm feeling. Forget this dude.

#452
He was a deadbeat. Can we just go home?

#453
- Yes, thank you. - Let's go home.

#454
- Let's go home. - Let's go.

#455
- Let's go. You wanna get some stew? - That stew's gross.

#456
It is kinda nasty.

#457
You guys wanna go to McDonald's?

#458
Oh, yeah!

#459
- Hey! Let's do McDonald's. Yes! - USA!

#460
- USA! USA! -

#461
USA! USA! USA! USA!

#462
♪ Born down in a dead man's town

#463
♪ The first kick I took was when I hit the ground

#464
♪ You end up like a dog that's been beat too much

#465
♪ Till you spend half your life just to cover it up now

#466
♪ Born in the USA

#467
♪ I was born in the USA ♪

#468
♪ I was born in the USA

#469
♪ Born in the USA now ♪

#470
♪ Got in a... ♪

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