Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E01 — Charlie Gets Crippled

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 1 — Charlie Gets Crippled

#1
MAC: Come on. One more race. DENNIS: When we race, you lose.

#2
CHARLIE: You always lose.

#3
MAC: One more and we'll go to the strip club.

#4
DENNIS: Three, two, one.

#5
- Goddamn it! - What is wrong with you?

#6
- Super slow drinker here. - Do you have a little throat?

#7
- Dennis, we gotta get out of here. - Why?

#8
I got off the phone with Dad. He wants to stop by and talk to us.

#9
- What does he want? - I don't know!

#10
Let's go before we have to deal with this!

#11
Let's get out of here before you guys get around your father.

#12
Let's just take care of one more... Don't... Don't be grabby.

#13
- Dennis, I need to borrow $20. - What, dude?

#14
- Just give me some money, man. - How come you never have money?

#15
- Dee? Moneys? - No way.

#16
What are you gonna do at the strip club with...

#17
- Will you just get in the car! - No!

#18
It sucks for me 'cause you guys get all the girls and the attention!

#19
My dad's gonna be here in a second! Will you get in the car!

#20
No! I'm going home! I'm going home.

#21
- Can we go? Please! - Yeah, we can go. We can go.

#22
- Dennis! - Oh, Jesus!

#23
CHARLIE: Dennis, no! (loud thud)

#24
CHARLIE: Dennis, you son of a bitch!

#25
DENNIS: What the hell is wrong with you, Dad?

#26
Why would you sneak around the bar at night?

#27
You don't snoop, sneak, appear in front of cars and yell names!

#28
- No! - I had something important to tell.

#29
Really? What's so important it can't wait till morning?

#30
Nothing's more important than we hitting our friend with a car.

#31
Oh, yeah? Try this on for size. Your mother's dead.

#32
- No. - What?

#33
Oh, my God! (sighs)

#34
No, she's not dead. We're gettin' divorced though.

#35
- Why... - Why...

#36
- What... - What...

#37
- Why would you say she's dead? - It's a business tactic.

#38
You drop the bomb, then you soften the blow. You never tried this?

#39
- That's a terrible business tactic! - You are a horrible father.

#40
That's what I came to talk to you about.

#41
I hate the kind of person that your whore mother turned me into.

#42
The big house, the big car... I'm giving it all away.

#43
- Hmm? - Giving it away how?

#44
For starters, I'm giving all my money to charity.

#45
Then I'm gonna hang out with you two.

#46
That's what this is all about, spending time with my kids.

#47
- Hold on a second. - I wanna be the father I never was.

#48
- Shh, shh, shh. - Getting to know them.

#49
What did you say about the money?

#50
- I'm giving it all away. - That is a very stupid thing to do.

#51
You're a very stupid, stupid man. Who are you gonna give it to?

#52
I don't know. Poor people.

#53
- Poor people? - Poor people?

#54
What... What is your... Okay, where's Mom?

#55
Mom? She's on vacation banging one of the boys she hangs out with.

#56
Dennis, your mother is a dirty, dirty whore.

#57
Goddamn it, Dad! First you force me to run over my friend Charlie

#58
and then you start talking about Mom like she's dead.

#59
- Now she's a dirty whore? - And the money.

#60
You can't waltz back into our lives and be our dad again!

#61
- And the money. - It doesn't work that way.

#62
- You can't just barge in! - And the money!

#63
And the money! My God, Dad!

#64
All of our money? (gasps)

#65
- Well, that was awkward. - Yes, it was.

#66
- Sort of a private conversation. - Very much a family-type moment.

#67
- We didn't need to hear that. CHARLIE: Not for our ears.

#68
Wanna go to the strip club?

#69
(rock music playing) I don't know.

#70
I've been manically depressed for the past couple of years.

#71
I just feel like I need a serious change or I'm gonna kill myself.

#72
Right, so when you say you're giving your money away to poor people,

#73
do you mean "Mexico" poor or can it be "Me and Charlie" poor?

#74
I haven't given that much thought.

#75
Put some thought into that one. Consider that.

#76
Yeah, man. Give that some thought.

#77
In the meantime, you wanna get shit-faced, bro. So I tell you what.

#78
Before we get crazy giving away our money here,

#79
what do you say we buy a couple of pitchers,

#80
maybe a few tequila shots, a few rounds of kamikazes.

#81
After that, we'll hit the town, tie on a serious buzz. Alright, bud?

#82
Oh, my God! You poor baby. What happened?

#83
My best friend ran me over with his car.

#84
(gasps) Yeah.

#85
- Oh, my God! That's terrible! - Yeah, yeah.

#86
- Do you want a lap dance? - Oh...

#87
- I don't have any money. - Oh!

#88
- I could give you one for free. - Really?

#89
Okay. Okay.

#90
Oh, my God! You poor baby. What happened to you?

#91
His friend ran him over with a car.

#92
- That is so sad. - I know.

#93
I was gonna give him a free lap dance.

#94
- She totally was. - I'll join you!

#95
That's great! Do one of you girls wanna hook my boy up over here?

#96
- He's really down in the dumps. - Okay!

#97
- No, no, no. I don't... I don't... - Oh, come on, buddy!

#98
- You gotta do this! - Embrace it. Get in the spirit.

#99
This is gonna cheer you up.

#100
Well, maybe just one. (all cheering)

#101
All right, Frank! See? That's the spirit that beat the Japanese!

#102
God. Stupid Dad! Never gave me a goddamn thing.

#103
Give his shit to poor people. Poor people? (glass breaking)

#104
(yells) Ooh! Ooh!

#105
Oh! Oh.

#106
Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?

#107
Same thing you're doing, Dennis.

#108
I'm not letting Dad give all this shit to poor people.

#109
I got here first. I'm taking the plasma TV and the fish tank.

#110
- How come you get to pick? - It's not that I get to pick.

#111
I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things.

#112
You're a woman. You're weak and you can't.

#113
- You're a woman and you're weak. - That doesn't make any sense.

#114
- You don't make any sense. - Great. I'll tell you what.

#115
I'm gonna take all the stuff I want and load it into my enormous SUV,

#116
and you can grab some trinkets and throw it in your tiny little car.

#117
I don't... All right, look. We don't need to be doing this, okay?

#118
You're my brother. We're... We're in this thing together.

#119
We don't need to make this a competition.

#120
Yeah. You're right.

#121
A competition. That's a good idea. I'll make you a deal.

#122
Whatever your feeble little arms can carry out of here, you can keep.

#123
And the rest is mine.

#124
God, I hate you so bad!

#125
- Okay, you ready? ALL: Yeah!

#126
On your mark! Get set! Go!

#127
(cheering and shouting)

#128
- Go, go, go! - Go, horsey!

#129
Come on! Come on!

#130
(exclaiming)

#131
No! Wait a second! Charlie, you hit me!

#132
- You hit me, Charlie! - So what? So what?

#133
- You are fast. - I was winning anyway.

#134
This one's too heavy! This one's too heavy!

#135
- You are freakishly fast! - Thanks.

#136
- Charlie, got any booze in here? - Yeah, yeah.

#137
Check under my bed or under one of my pillows.

#138
Hey, guys, I can't thank you enough. I feel so much better. So much.

#139
Yeah, man. Hey, you look great. Make yourself at home.

#140
- We gotta get him out of here. - What? Why, dude?

#141
Because there's two of them and three of us!

#142
Have a heart. The guy's going through a divorce.

#143
Since when do you give a shit about people?

#144
Maybe you should be the one that leaves, okay?

#145
Charlie. Don't you roll away when I'm talking to you.

#146
- I'm the reason they're here. - That is bullshit! You know it.

#147
- Do not ruin this for me! - I'm not ruining anything!

#148
Whoa! What are you guys fighting about?

#149
Nothing, man. We're just having a...

#150
Well, take it out in the hall. You're ruining the vibe.

#151
Okay. We'll go out in the hall.

#152
- Watch my... Watch my... - Shut up!

#153
Easy. Easy! Your behavior is unbelievable, man.

#154
- How are we gonna do this? - Okay.

#155
- Let's flip a coin. Loser leaves. - Great.

#156
- Okay, get a coin. - I don't have a coin.

#157
- Why don't you... - Give me a coin.

#158
- You have a coin? - Of course I don't have a coin.

#159
- Let's flip something else. - All right.

#160
Something in the hallway, like a feather.

#161
- That piece of wood? - That's not gonna work.

#162
- Something off the chair? - Yeah.

#163
Maybe we'll just break something off the chair.

#164
Don't... Don't break it too much.

#165
- That's not gonna work. - It's a rental.

#166
- Frank's got money. Let's ask him. - All right.

#167
It's locked.

#168
No. You gotta push it hard 'cause it sticks.

#169
- I'm telling you, it's locked. - Bang again! Frank!

#170
Frank, open the door, dude!

#171
- Hey. - Oh. Hey.

#172
You guys need to give me about 45 minutes in here, okay?

#173
Hey, Charlie, here's five dollars.

#174
Go down to Wawa, pick me up a couple of sodas.

#175
I got a feeling I'll be pretty thirsty after this.

#176
- Yeah. Hey... - Oh... (lock clicks)

#177
Son of a bitch.

#178
(music)

#179
Over the line. Over the line!

#180
I'm... I'm on the line.

#181
On the line is over the line. Get your foot on your side.

#182
Which side? This one? Is this the side?

#183
- No. - This the one you're talking about?

#184
Get... All right. You know what? Oh, what is this?

#185
- Do you recognize this lamp? - Where'd you get that?

#186
I think this is the lamp Dad got you in China.

#187
- Give it back. - As I recall.

#188
- Give me my lamp. - Must have gotten it of your room.

#189
- It's mine. - Let me put it on your side.

#190
- You... - Oh, that is a shame.

#191
- That's fine. I don't care. Yeah. - It slipped.

#192
By the way, I wanted to show you something

#193
my feeble little arms were able to carry.

#194
By all means.

#195
- Mr. Tibbs. - Oh, is that it?

#196
Is that Mr. Tibbs? Is that what they call you? Mr. Tibbs?

#197
- What do they call you now? - Whatever.

#198
I don't care. (shudders softly)

#199
(door opens) Hey-o!

#200
(grunts) - What's up, bitches? - What... What?

#201
Dennis, you would not believe how great this thing is.

#202
People give you free shit

#203
and women treat you like a puppy they found out on the street.

#204
- Really? - Yeah. Dude, I was thinking.

#205
You pick up one of these bad boys, we head down to the mall.

#206
There's a ton of talent down there. We've been looking for a new angle.

#207
- That does sound like fun. - Yeah. Yeah, that'll work.

#208
Oh, I'm sorry, Dee.

#209
We're putting ourselves into the shoes of the unfortunate,

#210
see what their world's like, maybe gain a little perspective.

#211
- What do you do? - I don't take advantage of people.

#212
Oh! Look at Sweet Dee sitting on her cloud of judgment,

#213
handing down life lessons to all the sinners.

#214
Come on, Mac. Let's go get crippled.

#215
(music)

#216
Charlie.

#217
- Charlie, buddy. Charlie. - Oh, my God, I'm cold.

#218
- We gotta talk, Charlie. - Oh, yeah, Frank. We have to talk.

#219
Last night was one of the greatest nights of my whole life.

#220
I'm sure it was.

#221
I used to live like this in squalor and filth,

#222
always trying to get over on people, scamming my way through situations.

#223
- I don't care! - I wanna live like you again.

#224
I wanna be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopeless.

#225
- I am not ugly. - It's the change I've looked for.

#226
- I wanna move in with you. - Are you out...

#227
Are you out of your damn mind? You made me sleep out in the hall.

#228
You ignored my cries for help at night.

#229
I'll pay for your rent for six months.

#230
- Twelve. - Six.

#231
- Ten. - Six.

#232
- Nine. - Six.

#233
- Ten. - Six.

#234
- Twelve. - Four.

#235
- Six. - Deal.

#236
- No more sleeping in the hall. - I can't promise that.

#237
- Let's get ready. - Where are you taking me?

#238
- Back to the strip club. - All right. Strip club...

#239
(screams) - Dude! My legs! - Hold on a second.

#240
This is going to be like shooting fish in a barrel for us.

#241
It's gonna be awesome. What's your backstory?

#242
What do you mean?

#243
Bro, your backstory. How'd your legs get crippled?

#244
- I don't know. - Check mine out. I had polio. Okay?

#245
That's why I'm rocking the FDR look with the blanket and everything.

#246
I got a problem. My legs are really muscular and athletic.

#247
So nobody's gonna believe that they're dead.

#248
With the blanket, everyone will assume that underneath,

#249
my legs are withered and useless.

#250
- That's a good idea. - Bro, it's brilliant.

#251
I have polio, too.

#252
You can't have it. That's my disease.

#253
- You gotta pick your own disease. - But I want polio.

#254
- Well, you can't have it. - What the hell is this?

#255
Are you sure you're okay?

#256
It's really important that I do this myself.

#257
You are so brave. (chuckles)

#258
(chuckles)

#259
- I got it! All by myself, I did it. - Yeah, you did. That's awesome.

#260
Goddamn it.

#261
What are we gonna do? We can't go back in there.

#262
- Everybody's desensitized. - Look.

#263
We'll go to Crate & Barrel. Maybe we can find some cougars or something.

#264
Hey, guys!

#265
Shit! What do we do? What do we do?

#266
Okay. Just play it cool, man. Play it cool.

#267
- Hey. - Hey.

#268
- How's it going? - I have polio.

#269
Oh.

#270
Okay.

#271
- And I have polio... - He has polio, too.

#272
All right.

#273
(music)

#274
So if you wanna shower, you gotta shower in the bar.

#275
- Shower in the bar? - Yeah. Shower in the sink.

#276
- In the sink? - You never showered in a sink...

#277
- Oh, oh, oh... Oh, my God! - What?

#278
- Do you see that? - What?

#279
I got a good idea, Frank.

#280
I know how we can really up our game at the strip club.

#281
How?

#282
Who gets more respect and admiration in this country than war heroes?

#283
- Athletes. - Yeah, that's true.

#284
- But after that. - Rock stars.

#285
- Also true. But after that, Frank. - Actors.

#286
- Yeah... Right. - Models.

#287
- Yes. Look... - Rich people.

#288
Okay, look! If you just buy me this costume,

#289
I'm gonna show them a war hero they can't take their eyes off of.

#290
I don't think the costume's gonna work.

#291
This costume... The chicks are gonna go crazy over this.

#292
FRANK: Maybe I should do the talking.

#293
It's gonna be like fish in a barrel. I got it covered. Watch and learn.

#294
Oh, look at you, sweetie. What happened?

#295
Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!

#296
- Excuse me. - What are you doing?

#297
- Hey, that was working. - Let me do the talking.

#298
- I'll take it from here. - Did you just box me in?

#299
You don't do that to a guy, Frank. You don't box in a vet!

#300
You don't stick a vet in the corner, Frank!

#301
He's a little loosey-goosey upstairs.

#302
I try to get him out as much as possible. It's very difficult.

#303
- Is he your... - He's my poor little crippled boy.

#304
Oh, that's so sad.

#305
I didn't fight no damn war so I could be boxed in

#306
by some square commie-ass piece of shit!

#307
Well, I feel awful.

#308
That's what happens when you meet an actual crippled person.

#309
- Brings you down. - Disabled.

#310
Whatever. Crippled, disabled... I don't care!

#311
I just wanna get out of here. This thing's ruined.

#312
I know! We should because you weren't pulling it off anyway.

#313
Hold on a second. Don't pull that shit with me, okay?

#314
- I didn't ruin this. You did. - How did I ruin it?

#315
Because I had a good polio backstory that the chicks...

#316
Nobody cares about polio or backstories or...

#317
You know what? I bet you a million dollars if I had talked to a girl...

#318
- For God's sakes! - About my withered legs, then...

#319
What are we doing? What are we doing?

#320
I think that there's only one true way to settle this like gentlemen.

#321
You're dead!

#322
Hey!

#323
No! No!

#324
- Oh, yeah, baby! - You cheated! You cheated!

#325
- Oh, yeah! Whoo! - You suck! All you do is cheat!

#326
How do you feel about that? How do you feel about that?

#327
What are you doing? You're just a sore loser!

#328
What's going on down there?

#329
Two guys pretending to be disabled and kicking each other's asses.

#330
What a bunch of scumbags. (scoffs)

#331
- Being handicapped sucks. - Oh, yeah. It's too much work.

#332
- There's nothing to show for it. - No advantages.

#333
- Look at this guy. - Another homeless guy?

#334
- Buddy. - Hey, pal, wake up.

#335
- Hey. - Charlie?

#336
- What the hell are you doing? - What time is it?

#337
Why are you dressed like that? What is going on?

#338
Why are you sleeping out here?

#339
Because I can't sleep in there! I can't get onto the stupid curb!

#340
Why would you wanna sleep in there?

#341
Your dad keeps swooping in, taking my chicks

#342
and locking me out of my apartment!

#343
Okay. Well, we were gonna go inside and get drunk. Wanna come with us?

#344
No. Look at me. I got a whole thing going on.

#345
- What... Really? - I'm going to... Don't touch that.

#346
I'm going to the strip club. I'm gonna get some girls...

#347
- With this? - Yeah, with this!

#348
I mean, the whole thing is... This is good as gold.

#349
Frank keeps coming in. He swoops in, takes my chicks.

#350
He doesn't care about me. What kind of a guy does that?

#351
Who comes into someone's apartment and just kicks him out?

#352
Like I'm a piece of crap. Like I belong on the street.

#353
Like I'm some kind of piece of dirt. That's bullshit, man!

#354
War hero coming through. How you doing? War hero. So...

#355
Kind of a big deal. I'm a war hero. How do you... Hey, how you doin'?

#356
I'm a war hero. So I'll catch up with you. Alright.

#357
Okay. All right. Hey, war hero. So...

#358
All right. All right. Maybe hit the gym a little bit.

#359
What the hell?

#360
Yeah! (hooting and shouting)

#361
No!

#362
No! No!

#363
Charlie! Hey, this is my roommate, Charlie.

#364
- Girls, say hello to Charlie. - No!

#365
GIRLS: Hi, Charlie! - No! No! No! No! No!

#366
No, Frank! Come here! Come here!

#367
- What... What is this shit? - Well, it's just...

#368
I rigged it up. It's like...

#369
I'm really using my hands, but they don't know it.

#370
What are you doing with strippers? You're stealing my thing!

#371
What? Well, I figured, you know, I'd cut out the middleman.

#372
This way, everybody wins.

#373
I don't win.

#374
The other thing I figured out is the only thing

#375
that attracts the attention of strippers more than pity is money.

#376
And I brought a shitload of that. (cackling)

#377
- What... Charlie! - I'm gonna kill you!

#378
- You're blowing up my scene! - Are you crazy?

#379
This is the best thing that ever happened and you're ruining it!

#380
You come to my apartment! You lock me out!

#381
Take all my girls! It's not a win-win situation!

#382
- My thumb's on your neck. - Why can't you give me this?

#383
- This guy's a walker! - I'm gonna kill you.

#384
But I love the guy, all right?

#385
He's family, you know? I mean, we've been through a lot together.

#386
Okay? So, you know, is it wrong for me to love him?

#387
I don't know.

#388
If I have to listen to you talk about this stupid,

#389
goddamned stuffed elephant anymore, I'm going to punch you in the head.

#390
Hey! Mr. Tibbs was not just some stupid stuffed element...

#391
Elephant, okay? He was like a companion.

#392
Strip club!

#393
- All right. Let's go... - Strip club!

#394
Yeah. Let's go to the strip club.

#395
You're driving.

#396
All right.

#397
You know, I didn't realize that somebody

#398
n your condition could have so much energy.

#399
- Well, you gotta live, right? - God!

#400
You know, you... You are an amazing person.

#401
I'm scoring in there, and you come in there and blow everything!

#402
You shouldn't even be in there!

#403
You get your hands off my blow tube!

#404
CHARLIE: Go get your goddamn car and give me a ride home!

#405
- I'll give you a ride home! - Hey!

#406
(shouting) Ow, my legs!

#407
Oh, my legs! (groans) Frank, what are you doing?

#408
- Hey, Dad! CHARLIE: My broken legs!

#409
Why are you beating up a homeless person?

#410
What the hell's with the crutches?

#411
It's kind of a long story. I can't really go into it right now.

#412
Oh, yeah? Whether you like it or not...

#413
- Here! How about that? - Hey! Give...

#414
Whoo! That's right! We're going to the strip club!

#415
I'm gonna steal Charlie's girls at the strip club!

#416
I'm gonna buy you a lap dance. I'm gonna buy myself a lap dance.

#417
I'm gonna buy everybody at the whole strip club a lap dance.

#418
Whoa! Are you people all pretending to be handicapped?

#419
- Mind your business. - Give me the crutches back.

#420
- No! - Dad!

#421
(laughing)

#422
Who's acting like a child? You stole my stuff!

#423
- Oh! Whoo! - Whoo, baby!

#424
- I'm gonna count to three. - You don't get the crutches.

#425
- One thousand-two... - Here's the crutches.

#426
- Give me... - You can't have 'em!

#427
(arguing continues)

#428
BOTH: Oh, shit! (loud crash)

#430
Dr. Lyon, please report to the emergency room.

#431
We are so lucky that nobody got killed.

#432
- Oh, my God. - Well, yeah.

#433
Actually, Dennis is lucky that nobody got killed

#434
since he's the guy that just about killed everybody.

#435
- Maybe you killed somebody. - How does that make sense?

#436
Maybe you did kill somebody!

#437
You were standing in front of a driving car...

#438
- Yeah, well, driving a vehicle... - Shut up!

#439
Will you shut up, for crying out loud!

#440
Don't youse ever stop fighting and just shut the hell up?

#441
Now, who wants ice cream?

#442
- I do. - Really, Dad?

#443
Enjoy a nice ice cream

#444
and just thank goodness that nobody important got seriously hurt.

#445
(monitor beeping)

#446
What a bunch of assholes.

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