Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E02 — The Gang Goes Jihad

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 2 — The Gang Goes Jihad

#1
DENNIS: I just need to get some leverage.

#2
CHARLIE: Just pull. DENNIS: I'm tryin' to pull it.

#3
DEE: Pull harder, Dennis.

#4
If I pull harder it's gonna dig into his leg.

#5
Don't yell at me.

#6
I need to jam the shears farther down jam 'em in there!

#7
- Pull harder and I will! - You should get a doctor to do it.

#8
Oh, look at me, the millionaire who goes to see doctors!

#9
(laughs) Come on. Just pull the damn crowbar.

#10
(screams) Charlie, you want the cast off?

#11
That's what you wanted. It's what you were asking for.

#12
Just soak it in hot water, and it gets soft

#13
and it peels right off piece by piece.

#14
What do you know about anything?

#15
- What are you even doing here? - Why are you still here?

#16
- Just want to be part of the gang. - You're not part of our gang.

#17
You're not part of the gang either, Dee, so forget that.

#18
- Yes, I am. - No, you're not.

#19
The gang is me, Mac and Charlie. That's the gang.

#20
Dennis, let your sister be part of the gang.

#21
- She can't be part of the gang. - Why would you say that?

#22
- Is she part of the gang? - What gang?

#23
I have no idea what you're talking about.

#24
- Come on! Pull on it! - Hello. I'm looking for the owner.

#25
- Yeah, that's us. - We're the owners.

#26
My name is Ari Frenkel. I just bought the building next door.

#27
- Oh! - Great, man. That's awesome.

#28
I purchased it a few months ago,

#29
but I was just able to move my family into Philadelphia.

#30
- Ah, yeah. Where from? - Israel.

#31
Just got to be too dangerous, with everything that's happening.

#32
That's a tough situation you got over there.

#33
- You got that whole tsunami... - No?

#34
- The superdome thing that... - Charlie.

#35
- No, there's no superdome. - It's one of those places there.

#36
It's a different country.

#37
- Never mind. I had a... - Why don't you shut up?

#38
Anyway, I just... It's all good. (chattering)

#39
- Stopped over to give you this. - What is this?

#40
- It's a notice to vacate. - What?

#41
According to the zoning grid, the piece of property

#42
that I purchased extends exactly 100 feet to the north.

#43
Anything south of that dividing line belongs to me.

#44
- Where's the dividing line? - Right about, here.

#45
- What? - Bullshit!

#46
Are you kidding, man?

#47
- Gonna need you out in a week. - You can't do that.

#48
Dad, stay out of this. We can handle it, all right?

#49
Look, man! I don't know how you guys do things in, what was it?

#50
- Israel. - Israel.

#51
Israel or whatever, but this is America!

#52
You can't just come in here and steal our land from us.

#53
I'm pretty sure that's how this country was founded.

#54
What are you saying? You're making things up.

#55
I don't know what that means. Does anybody know what...

#56
If you're talkin' shit about America, we're kicking your ass.

#57
- I'm sure you will. - This is our bar.

#58
Your bar is on my land.

#59
Goodbye, gentlemen.

#60
(door opens and closes)

#61
What are we gonna do?

#62
This guy comes...

#63
He really gets my goat. You know what I mean?

#64
You shouldn't be allowed to come in, tell people, "I own this and that".

#65
Okay, the butter goes on, then the peanut butter.

#66
- What are you doing? - Peanut butter go in the middle?

#67
- Do not put peanut butter on that! - What?

#68
A Grilled Charlie has peanut butter last.

#69
- Either inside or outside. - Peanut butter outside.

#70
Chocolate inside, butter inside, cheese outside. (knocking)

#71
- Go away. WOMAN: Frank, it's me. Open.

#72
- Oh, shit. It's my wife. - Okay.

#73
We talked about this. (knocking)

#74
We knew this day would come. We got to face it. We got... Okay.

#75
Breathe. Yeah. (exhales)

#76
Let it out. Say, "I can do this".

#77
- I can do this. - All right. Go answer the door.

#78
No, you answer the door. I don't want to get smacked.

#79
I don't... Look.

#80
Where are your balls, dude? Where are your balls?

#81
You're a grown man. Think about your balls.

#82
- Where are they? - Don't talk about my balls.

#83
Open this door!

#84
I can't even mention your balls around you.

#85
Charlie, she's all hopped up on amphetamines.

#86
- I'll get your back. - I can hear it in her voice.

#87
If you don't do this now, you're never...

#88
Frank, open the goddamn door before I put my foot through it!

#89
Just do it. Just deal with the bitch.

#90
- Hey, Barbara. - Don't you "Hey, Barbara" me.

#91
Jesus Christ, Frank. This place is a shithole!

#92
Is this how you've been living?

#93
- We make it work. What do you want? - I want to talk.

#94
I tried to talk to you weeks ago. You went on vacation.

#95
I was trying to scare some sense into you.

#96
You were talking about giving away all of our money.

#97
My money. I made it, you spent it.

#98
Burn. There you go, buddy.

#99
How can you say that to me? After everything I've done for you.

#100
While you were out making money who do you think was at home

#101
cooking and cleaning and raising your children?

#102
A series of Mexican women.

#103
A series... Unbelievable, dude. You're on fire.

#104
You can choose to live like an animal if you want to,

#105
but I refuse to be subjected to it.

#106
I want my shit back.

#107
You took my shit from our home and I want it back.

#108
- I didn't take anything. - It's empty. Someone took it.

#109
Maybe you should have somebody deported like you used to.

#110
Beautiful.

#111
- Oh! Oh! - I can't even talk to you anymore.

#112
Standing up for yourself. Standing up for immigrants!

#113
I don't know what you're turning into, but it's making me sick!

#114
- Stings, doesn't it? - Yeah.

#115
(chuckles) It hurts really bad.

#116
Yeah. You got a little hand mark.

#117
- Dude, you're burning! - Oh, shit!

#118
- All right. With the peanut butter. - You have ruined this one!

#119
- No, put the peanut butter on. - You ruined that one.

#120
Apparently, Mr. Frenkel is citing a zoning grid

#121
that was created by the original city planners.

#122
Wait. So this asshole's using a law that's 300 years old?

#123
- That's bullshit! - You can't do that.

#124
You had an opportunity to buy the land at the time of the purchase.

#125
- You declined. - So what?

#126
You also had a second opportunity when the fiscal quarter.

#127
- Let's not get into the blame game. - Solutions.

#128
How do we get this guy out of our bar?

#129
Unfortunately, it doesn't seem you guys have any legal recourse.

#130
We don't have any legal recourse.

#131
No.

#132
All right. I think I follow, fellas. All right.

#133
We don't have any legal recourse.

#134
What you're saying is we got to get creative.

#135
If you're implying that I'm advising you to do anything illegal,

#136
then I'm afraid you're mistaken.

#137
- Of course we're mistaken. - Yeah, no.

#138
We're mistaken.

#139
We would never want to implicate certain parties in certain matters.

#140
But parties who has certain experiences...

#141
- Or connections. - Certain affiliations.

#142
Affiliations could give us some tips or pointers.

#143
Or even, you know, connect us to one of his guys.

#144
We could really...

#145
Get out.

#146
Okay. I think the lawyer's right.

#147
We gotta send this guy some kind of message.

#148
Time to take action, but we should be careful

#149
'cause I don't want to come off as anti-Semitic.

#150
- This guy's a Jewish person. - What's that have to do with it?

#151
We don't have a problem with Jews. It's this guy in particular.

#152
Jewish, okay? He's Jewish. Don't use the word "Jew."

#153
I don't appreciate that. Nah, that's okay.

#154
That is a racial slur, Charlie.

#155
Calling somebody a Jew who is a Jew, is not a racial slur.

#156
Will you please not use the word "Jew"? It makes me uncomfortable.

#157
- It's not anti-Semitic. - It's about the context.

#158
If you use the right context, you're good.

#159
You're the most misinformed person I've ever met.

#160
You don't even know what's going on in Israel.

#161
That's right. You don't know what's going on in Israel.

#162
- Maybe you shouldn't talk about it. - Are you serious?

#163
Maybe you should leave it to me.

#164
Do you know what's happening in Israel?

#165
- Of course. I read the newspaper. - Okay. You know what?

#166
Why don't you crack an egg of knowledge all over me?

#167
- Okay. Can I start? - Yeah.

#168
Well, okay. There's a war on terror, Charlie.

#169
Have you ever seen CNN?

#170
- George Bush right now... - Start from the beginning.

#171
- Saddam Hussein, has the oil. - Yeah.

#172
- Okay? - Okay.

#173
Charlie, it is a war on terror.

#174
We decided to help the people of Israel...

#175
- To give our oil back to us. - By defeating Saddam Hussein.

#176
- My head's swelling with knowledge. - It's freedom, Charlie.

#177
- Wonderful knowledge. - You're being sarcastic.

#178
- When we're talking about... - Oh!

#179
You can't hide from it forever.

#180
- You're an idiot. - You're an idiot.

#181
Here you go. Stupid customers.

#182
- It smells like urine in here. - Mama, you're back.

#183
I'm not gonna get scurvy if I come any further, am I?

#184
How are you?

#185
I'll tell you how I am, Deandra. I am devastated.

#186
I don't understand what's going on with your father. And I...

#187
- What the hell is this? - What? Oh!

#188
- Are those my earrings? - Oh, yea... yeah.

#189
But here's the thing about the earrings.

#190
You're stealing from your mother now?

#191
What kind of monster are you?

#192
Dad said he was gonna give your stuff away

#193
and it was actually Dennis's idea...

#194
Don't blame this on your brother. How low can you sink, Deandra?

#195
I haven't seen you for a month and I'm standing here in a neck brace.

#196
Are you gonna ask how I'm doing or what happened or...

#197
I assume you did something stupid.

#198
- Dennis ran over me with his car. - There you go again!

#199
Don't you think it's time you start taking responsibility

#200
for your actions?

#201
- I... - I want my possessions returned.

#202
I was eating that, mother.

#203
I've been running around. I haven't had time to feed the dog.

#204
Could you stop thinking about yourself for once?

#205
And besides, you don't need it, sweetie.

#206
(gasps, growls) Well, that's attractive.

#207
Maybe if you took a bit more pride in your appearance

#208
you could find a man and then you wouldn't steal from your mother!

#209
I mean, look at your skin, Deandra.

#210
Christ, there is a sun in Philadelphia.

#211
He's already got a construction crew in there working?

#212
God, dude. I am sick of staring at this building, guys.

#213
- We gotta take some action. - Okay, I'll tell you what.

#214
Let's throw a flaming bag of poop in the window.

#215
What? Why?

#216
Because they stamp it out and they get poop all over their shoes.

#217
What in the hell is that going to accomplish?

#218
Poop on their shoes. Their shoes, dude.

#219
- Are you retarded? - Poop on the shoes.

#220
- Are you a retarded person? - Poop on the shoes!

#221
I got it!

#222
- You do? - Yeah.

#223
Let's come back tonight. I got a plan.

#224
- Yeah. This ought to do it. - Okay, so what's the next step?

#225
There is no next step. This is it.

#226
- This is it? - Yeah.

#227
- This is your plan? - It's awesome.

#228
This isn't gonna do shit!

#229
What do you mean this isn't gonna do shit?

#230
There needs to be a next step!

#231
Do you know how hard it is to get toilet paper

#232
off a building, especially if it rains?

#233
- This Jew's in for a ton of work. BOTH: Oh!

#234
- What? - Come on, man.

#235
- You can't say things like that. - What did I say?

#236
- You dropped a hard "J" on us. - Yeah.

#237
- Jew? You guys said it... - Shh!

#238
You can say it, but it has to be in the right context.

#239
- You said I could say "Jew". - You can, but in the right context.

#240
- What is the right context? - All right.

#241
- This, you know... - Person of the Jewish faith...

#242
In a group of other people from the Jewish faith...

#243
This guy's got a ton of work to do! I think it's okay that he's Jewish.

#244
- That is not what I'm... - That's not what he's...

#245
Hold on a second...

#246
You guys don't know what the hell you're talking about.

#247
This man is in for a ton of work. He's Jewish.

#248
- We know what we're talking about. - Don't worry about that.

#249
(doorbell rings)

#250
Hello, Frank!

#251
I noticed you changed the locks on the door.

#252
You didn't have to do that because I'm never coming back again.

#253
I'm looking forward to that.

#254
You seem happy.

#255
I think I'm feeling satisfied for the first time in my life.

#256
- What is that, musk? - That's my new friend.

#257
I met him outside of that disgusting bar our children own.

#258
That's his Mercedes across the street.

#259
His wife's dead. Goodbye, Frank.

#260
Hey. Hey!

#261
You! What are you doing here with my wife?

#262
Soon to be ex-wife.

#263
I'm not doing anything. She invited me over for coffee.

#264
Are you bangin' him? You bangin' this guy?

#265
Not yet, but I'm giving it serious consideration.

#266
(chuckles) Is there some problem here?

#267
(shattering) Adultery. That's what this is. That's it.

#268
Animal! (door slams)

#269
Sorry about that.

#270
He used to beat me, you know.

#271
(alarm chirps)

#272
- Change of plans. - What happened?

#273
- Your mother seems happy. - Shit!

#274
- I just can't have that, Dee. - Well, what do you want to do?

#275
What's the thing your mother loves more than anything in this world?

#276
- That teeny, tiny little dog. - Let's go steal it.

#277
(music)

#278
(whispering) - What are you doing? - Go get the dog, Deandra!

#279
What are you doing with your hands? What does that mean?

#280
- What's all this? - Dog. Kitchen.

#281
That's "kitchen"? Why can't you go get the dog?

#282
Because I got a cast on my foot. I got a neck brace.

#283
Deandra, I'm your father. Go in and get the dog.

#284
You mean the "dog"? You're out of your mind.

#285
Oh. Hello.

#286
Please, don't bite me. Okay. Do not bite me.

#287
Here we go. Nothing weird is going on.

#288
(clanging) Shit!

#289
Run! Run!

#290
(dog barking)

#291
Gentlemen, I've got something here

#292
that's gonna send our friend on the first train back to Israel.

#293
- Eggs? - Yeah. These eggs are organic.

#294
They're three times the size of normal eggs and twice the price.

#295
If this doesn't show this guy we mean business, nothing's gonna.

#296
- I'm in. CHARLIE: Okay.

#297
- What are you talking about? - It's something, Mac.

#298
Oh, it's something. Let's just do something.

#299
I wonder how long it took him to get the toilet paper down.

#300
Didn't even notice the toilet paper.

#301
- What? - Where does...

#302
What the hell is this? He put up a fence.

#303
He didn't notice the toilet paper? He put up a fence.

#304
- He walled us in. - He walled us in!

#305
Where does it end and where does it begin?

#306
- This guy's good. - This guy wants to get extreme?

#307
Let's get extreme. Screw the eggs.

#308
- How far does this thing go? - Back to the bar. Plan "B".

#309
- It's locked. You guys have keys? - Go around front.

#310
- Go, go, go. - Fine. Fine. Fine.

#311
Wait. Hold on. It gets thinner. Squeeze through there.

#312
Dennis! Wait! Don't push me!

#313
Wait! My toe's caught in the fence!

#314
- Go back! Just go back. - I can't move! I can't...

#315
- Come on! You guys gotta go! - Stop yelling!

#316
- Stop yelling! - Go over! I'll lift you.

#317
Don't climb! Don't climb, Dennis!

#318
That son of a bitch! He put up a wall!

#319
- Hop over! Climb over! - Hop?

#320
(yells) Climb over and get help!

#321
Oh, this son of a bitch! You son of a bitch!

#322
(screams) (shrieks)

#323
Okay. Now what are we doing, holding it for ransom or something?

#324
I haven't thought this all the way through.

#325
You haven't thought it through? It destroyed my apartment.

#326
Look. We're living in the moment.

#327
We're running around stealing things.

#328
- We're doing anything we want. - Stop talking like that.

#329
You and I ought to team up on stuff like this more often.

#330
Oh, no, we shouldn't. You're not on my team.

#331
Also, I want to team up with Mac

#332
because he seems stupid enough to do anything.

#333
Knock it off. You're not teaming up with any of us.

#334
Nobody wants you around. (knocking)

#335
God damn it. That doesn't... I'm gonna sit here until you use words.

#336
That doesn't mean anything. This doesn't mean anything.

#337
Your mother might be here, so take the dog into the bedroom.

#338
- That's fine. You take it. - You take the dog! I'm telling you!

#339
Fine. This is exactly why you're not part of our gang.

#340
God damn it! Where'd it go?

#341
What the hell do you want?

#342
Your wife says she's afraid of you. I'm here for the dog.

#343
Ooh! That woman is amazing. She is amazing.

#344
You just met her. She's already got you running errands for her.

#345
- She's good. She is good. - Just go get the dog.

#346
I don't have the dog.

#347
So you've been in here tearing apart pillows and...

#348
... pooping on the floor?

#349
Yes.

#350
I'm starting to lose patience with you people.

#351
I've already had to deal with your son and his retarded friends.

#352
My contractor just told me there's a gas leak

#353
n that goddamn building I just bought.

#354
The whole thing is becoming a big pain in my ass.

#355
Go get the dog.

#356
I have a little business proposition I want to talk to you about.

#357
Out in the hallway.

#358
CHARLIE: You guys feeling extreme?

#359
Ah, this looks beautiful.

#360
- You ready for this? MAC: I'm ready. Let's do this.

#361
Okay, okay. And... action.

#362
(speaking mock Arabic)

#363
Cut, cut, cut! What the hell are you doing, dude?

#364
What those tapes sound like.

#365
Why don't you read the script I wrote?

#366
You wrote it in English and riddled with spelling errors.

#367
You know what I'm trying to write. Say it.

#368
I'm gonna mumble guttural sounds. Let's do another one.

#369
- He's not gonna understand! - Then we'll do subtitles.

#370
I feel like I should have something in my hands.

#371
- You don't need anything. - Like a weapon.

#372
A machete or a machine gun or something.

#373
Why don't you head down to the Wawa and pick up a machine gun?

#374
- Read the script. - I'm not reading it.

#375
Who's the director here?

#376
I don't care. I'm not reading the script.

#377
Fine. Action!

#378
Can I get my towel over my face?

#379
- Put it on your face. - Here we go.

#380
Action! (speaking mock Arabic)

#381
- I'm gonna get a weapon! - You don't need a...

#382
He's gonna get a weapon, everybody! Everybody! Everybody get a weapon!

#383
(sighs)

#384
Can we... make this look more like a cave?

#385
(speaking mock Arabic)

#386
You not make restaurant here. Bad decision.

#387
(speaking mock Arabic)

#388
We will crush your skull with our weapons!

#389
- We can't send this. - Nope.

#390
- What are you talking about? - We're gonna get arrested.

#391
Yeah, or murdered. This is too extreme, Charlie.

#392
- Man, I feel sick. - Me too.

#393
You think I don't feel sick? Okay. I'm sick.

#394
I feel very sick, but I directed the shit out of this video.

#395
This stuff is gold.

#396
You're not the one on TV

#397
dressed like a terrorist threatening Jews, Charlie.

#398
- Mac. - The context was fine, Dennis.

#399
Trust me. I was thinking about it when we were watching the video.

#400
What are we supposed to do then? (sighs)

#401
Can I throw a bag of poop through the window?

#402
BOTH: Yes.

#403
I have better aim. I should throw the bag of poop.

#404
I sat over the bag for 20 minutes. I'm throwing it.

#405
- Hey, guys. - Hey, Dee.

#406
What are you doing?

#407
We're throwing a bag of poop through a guy's window.

#408
You wanna come?

#409
Yeah.

#410
Hey, there's no one even in there!

#411
Well, just throw the bag in anyway, dude.

#412
Yeah, but no one's gonna get poop on their shoes!

#413
Just throw the damn bag, Charlie.

#414
(exclaims)

#415
DEE: Why are we doing this?

#416
- We're gonna teach him a lesson. - Awesome.

#417
(laughs) This is gonna be great. It's gonna smell so bad in there.

#418
I just hope he gets the message... (explosion)

#419
(car alarms wailing) (dogs barking in distance)

#420
I think this is the wrong message.

#421
Yeah.

#422
#Then you wouldn't have to say

#423
#That you love me

#424
#'Cause I'd already know

#425
#What would you do

#426
- All right, so this here... - #If I...#

#427
... is the pillar that I want to remove.

#428
I want to get this out of here so there's a nice wide open space

#429
when people walk into the bar.

#430
- What are you doing, Dad? - In a second, Dennis.

#431
And go into the bathroom. Check out the fixtures.

#432
- I'll be in in a second. (scoffs) - What the hell's going on?

#433
- He's renovating my bar. - Your bar?

#434
Yeah, my bar.

#435
You see, the property that I just purchased

#436
extends from Morgan Street all the way to right here.

#437
What the hell are you talking about? The property you bought?

#438
The building you blew up. The building you set on fire.

#439
What'd you think, I wasn't gonna find out about that?

#440
I'll give you two choices.

#441
I'm part of the gang...

#442
... or I send your asses to jail.

#443
I would rather go to jail than work with you.

#444
Yes!

#445
For the record, I would rather not spend my life in jail.

#446
- I'll tear this bar to the ground. - I'll kick the pillars in!

#447
Nobody's kicking anything. There's no tearing. It's all fine.

#448
Here's what we're gonna do! Everyone, relax.

#449
Frank, congratulations. You're captain of the gang.

#450
DEE: No! Charlie... DENNIS: Charlie, shut your mouth!

#451
Why can't you die and leave your money to your kids

#452
like normal parents of America?

#453
You sound like your mother. DEE: You say that to my face!

#454
- Excuse me. - I will kick and tear...

#455
Excuse me!

#456
Thank you. We're looking for the owners.

#457
Oh. We're the owners.

#458
I'm Detective Tanner. This here is Detective Volpe.

#459
Gentlemen, we're gonna have to talk to you for a moment.

#460
About what?

#461
You gentlemen know anything about this?

#462
Shit.

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