Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E03 — Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 3 — Dennis and Dee Go on Welfare

#1
- Dennis, stop acting like a child. - I don't wanna hear it, Dad.

#2
Deandra, move the pool table so you and your brother can lay some grout.

#3
- I am not laying grout. - You guys are being babies.

#4
We're being babies, Mac? Why don't you go work for your dad all day?

#5
- My dad's a meth dealer. - "Oh, no! My daddy's in prison!"

#6
"My daddy used to give hot shots to prostitutes. Feel sorry for me!"

#7
- I got the grout. - You're not even listening to us.

#8
- Are you really leaving? - Yes!

#9
- Later, bitches. - Yeah, have a good life now.

#10
All right, look. I know what you're doin'.

#11
I can play this game. Mac and me and Charlie can run the bar.

#12
- Great. Terrific. It's a good idea. - We got better things to do.

#13
Please. What are you two gonna do?

#14
Dee and I have a little something we like to call "goals", okay?

#15
We have aspirations outside of this bar.

#16
We got big dreams, Mac. We're gonna go follow 'em.

#17
You guys have nothing without this bar.

#18
Don't worry about us, Mac. We'll be just fine.

#19
DENNIS: So what are your dreams? DEE: Hmm?

#20
Your goals, what are your aspirations?

#21
- Were you serious about that? - Yeah! What are you doing?

#22
Signing us up for unemployment benefits.

#23
Unemployment? No.

#24
Dee, that's for deadbeats. Come on.

#25
We got a golden opportunity here. You know?

#26
We can do anything we want if we put our minds to it.

#27
Well, I could use this time to get my acting career off the ground.

#28
- And I fully support you. - You do?

#29
Absolute. Look, the old Dennis would have said,

#30
"Dee, your sad little acting ship sailed a decade ago. It's pathetic."

#31
But the new me says that it's not my place to kill your pipe dreams.

#32
- You should go for it. - Really?

#33
Yes! Come on. This is America! We're gonna go for it!

#34
We're gonna work hard! We're gonna reach for the stars!

#35
We're gonna become more successful than our parents.

#36
- We can shove it in their faces. - Make 'em eat shit!

#37
- Oh, look, we qualified. - Really? How much?

#38
- $400 a week. - $400.

#39
- It's more than we made at the bar. - I know.

#40
Okay, new plan.

#41
- We're gonna go on unemployment. - Yeah.

#42
- That's what it's there for, right? - In the meantime, we will focus...

#43
Work hard and keep our nose to the grindstone.

#44
Right?

#45
Absolutely.

#46
CHARLIE: Ready? One, two, three.

#47
(grunting)

#48
- God damn it! - Why can you not lift your end?

#49
I don't know, dude. Let me figure out what is happening.

#50
Are you lifting with your back?

#51
Of course I'm lifting with my back, Charlie, okay?

#52
But I think your end is just lighter

#53
cause the balls have rolled down to this end.

#54
No! You got to snap your back up and lift.

#55
I'm jerking my back up!

#56
- What do you want from me? - Hey, what's the ruckus?

#57
I'm trying to conduct important business back there.

#58
We finished with the tile, and we're trying to move the pool table back.

#59
All right, all right, all right. Have you done the urinal?

#60
Because the urinal, you flush it, and it sprays all over the place.

#61
- Yeah, I know. I know. - Look, bro.

#62
You got to stop bossing us around, okay?

#63
I mean, look at Charlie. You're breaking his spirit.

#64
Look at me. I'm broken, dude. Look, I'm...

#65
You guys need a father figure. And I'm trying to be that father figure,

#66
and someday you're gonna thank me for it.

#67
And that's all there is to it. Trust me. Trust me on that one.

#68
You're gonna thank me for it. (door closes)

#69
I don't want a father figure.

#70
BOTH: #Oh, baby, you You got what I need

#71
#But you say he's just a friend But you say he's just a friend

#72
#Oh, baby, you#

#73
Come down just a little bit. He's not hitting it that high, you know?

#74
- #Oh, baby, you# - Now you split the difference.

#75
- You got to split the difference. - Yeah, split the difference.

#76
What the hell is this?

#77
Living the dream, bro. Living the dream.

#78
I thought you two were out looking for careers or something.

#79
We are, man. We're just getting a little bit of assistance

#80
to help us out over the hump.

#81
And this unemployment thing is so great,

#82
because we've made really big plans.

#83
- I'm gonna be a veterinarian. - Yeah.

#84
And I am gonna move to New York, and I'm gonna be on Broadway.

#85
What? It's 1:00 in the afternoon, and you're piss-ass drunk.

#86
Well, you know, it's a slow process, man. It takes a little time.

#87
- But we trust the system. - Is that a new watch, dude?

#88
- It is. It's awesome. - Oh, and I got a Jesus chain.

#89
- It's good. Look at it. - All right, look, guys.

#90
We want you to come back to the bar, okay?

#91
- Why in the hell would we do that? - You're not even listening to me.

#92
- Did you see my Jesus chain? - I'm busting my ass in that bar,

#93
and you guys are sitting on the stoop getting drunk all day long?

#94
(mock crying) What, this again? What, this again?

#95
- I have to work! - Cry for me. Cry for me.

#96
I don't know how to take advantage of government programs.

#97
Unemployment runs out, all right?

#98
And once it does, you guys are gonna be back out on your asses.

#99
Once it runs out, we're gonna go on welfare, dude.

#100
- Welfare? - Mmm-hmm.

#101
- You guys can't go on welfare. - Oh, really?

#102
It's reserved for people who need it, you know?

#103
Like poor people who need some help...

#104
(stereo plays) It's set up...

#105
- To continue... - #Oh, baby, you#

#106
It's not for over privileged pieces of shit

#107
who want to waste millions of dollars in tax...

#108
You want to play this game? We gonna play this game now?

#109
- #But you say he's just a friend# - God damn you!

#110
- #Oh, baby, you# - God damn it!

#111
#Got what I need#

#112
Charlie, sign here, here and here.

#113
So, you're giving me all your money.

#114
Charlie, for the 500th time, I'm not giving it to you. It's not yours.

#115
I'm just setting up a temporary account in your name.

#116
What my wife can't find, she can't get.

#117
Right. This is good. This is shady, Frank. I like this kind of stuff.

#118
But you will be handsomely rewarded

#119
f you just keep your hands off this money.

#120
Right, right. So what's the vig?

#121
- The vig? - Yeah, man.

#122
You know, what's... What's the vig on this action here?

#123
Do you even know what vig means?

#124
Hey-oh! What's up, bitches?

#125
Get your gloves. I got a lot of grout work for you to do.

#126
Forget the grout.

#127
I have been doing a little research that will change our lives forever.

#128
Turns out there's a little program called Work for Welfare,

#129
n which businesses hire potential welfare recipients,

#130
the government subsidizes their wage,

#131
and the IRS affords thousands of dollars in tax relief.

#132
Oh, I don't know what you're saying. Dude, is that a question?

#133
I don't understand. What's going on?

#134
Don't you get it? We will never need Dennis and Dee again.

#135
We hire a couple people, pay them nothing,

#136
and get them to do all of our work for us!

#137
- We just pay them nothing? - We pay them nothing!

#138
- That's incredible. - It's incredible!

#139
- What do you think, Frank? - If we do something like this,

#140
we got to make sure we don't abuse anybody.

#141
No. Oh, my God! I know what it's like to grow up poor, you know.

#142
We got to treat people with respect.

#143
Respect is the name of the game. Respect is number one!

#144
- The name of almost every game. - Absolutely.

#145
Because we understand the plight of the worker.

#146
- The plight! - Respect.

#147
Respect the plight.

#148
What do you think, Frank?

#149
I'm good. Go get us some slaves.

#150
(phone ringing)

#151
CHARLIE: No, dude. That's not what I'm saying.

#152
All I'm saying is that "slaves" is not a racist term.

#153
Look, dude, I'm... Okay, look.

#154
I'm saying over the history of time, right?

#155
There have been slaves of many different races.

#156
There's been Jewish slaves. I mean, uh, Italian, uh...

#157
I recognize that, Charlie. But in this country,

#158
we have to understand that it is a sensitive issue, okay?

#159
- I understand that. - What about that one?

#160
He seems strong.

#161
- Look at those massive thighs. - Yeah, those are good thighs.

#162
Yeah, but you're gonna have a problem with work ethic.

#163
That's what I'm talking about. You can't be saying things like that.

#164
No, dude. I'm not saying that because he's black.

#165
He's asleep in his chair. You know, like what...

#166
(sighs)

#167
- What about that one? - Don't do that.

#168
I knew you were gonna do that. 'Cause, why are you going to him?

#169
That's like reverse affirmative action, dude.

#170
You don't want to do that.

#171
You could cheat yourself out of a good slave here, man.

#172
Well, how do you know he's not gonna be a good slave?

#173
Come on.

#174
- Look at that. - This is complicated and confusing.

#175
And, like, I don't even understand.

#176
We got to talk to someone. Let's just talk to someone.

#177
Hello. Hi. We are here to sign up for the Work for Welfare Program.

#178
Yeah, my associate and I were just out on the floor.

#179
And we're looking for a suitable candidate, but...

#180
The problem is it's really tough to tell by eyeballing these people.

#181
So we were wondering, like, do you have, like, a Facebook?

#182
Or anything that we can go over, like physical stats?

#183
- And some kind of numbers... - Excuse me?

#184
Something to just expediate the whole process...

#185
It doesn't work that way.

#186
Why don't you read up on some of the program's stipulations?

#187
- Oh, that's big. - The Facebook?

#188
No, "Rules and Regulations". It's, uh, sort of a legal document.

#189
- Now, is there any way around this? - None whatsoever.

#190
- Okay. - All right, well...

#191
- Thank you for your time. - We got this, so we'll read it.

#192
Have a good one. I'm not reading that.

#193
- No, I'm not reading this either. - We'll get Frank to do it.

#194
Maybe get a slave to do it.

#195
- Oh, look what the cat dragged in. - Oh, well...

#196
I see you've decided to steal our welfare idea.

#197
- I can't say I'm surprised. - We're not stealing your idea.

#198
Let's all recognize that this is a little awkward situation

#199
between friends at the welfare store.

#200
- Let's go our separate ways, okay? - You guys can't get welfare!

#201
- Uh, yeah. We can. - No, you can't!

#202
They don't give it to any jackass that walks in here.

#203
It's reserved for people who need it, okay?

#204
- Drug addicts, mentally disabled... - Mac, we've got it covered. Dee?

#205
Your bicycle helmet.

#206
Later, boners.

#207
(sighs) - That's an awesome helmet. - What? Go! Out!

#208
Hello.

#209
Hi. Um, I'm a recovering crackhead.

#210
This is my retarded sister that I take care of.

#211
I'd like some welfare, please.

#212
You're a recovering crack addict?

#213
- Yep. - Mmm-hmm.

#214
And she's mentally retarded?

#215
Oh, most definitely.

#216
You have the proper medical paperwork?

#217
Medical paperwork?

#218
We're gonna need a physician's report

#219
to confirm your sister's mental illness,

#220
and your blood work to confirm your...

#221
... crack addiction.

#222
Well... Can't you see how retarded she is?

#223
(grunting)

#224
(sighs) Lose the helmet, sis. We can't prove that you're retarded.

#225
- I want that welfare, Dennis. - I know you do. So do I.

#226
You don't understand. I got a taste of my dream. I can't go back.

#227
I got to get to Broadway, and welfare's the key.

#228
- What do you wanna do? - Oh, they wanna play rough?

#229
We can play rough. Let's go buy some crack.

#230
(sirens wailing) (dog barking)

#231
Okay, thank you. We're all set. Friday, 3:00. Full blood work.

#232
- We'll just smoke a little bit. - A little bit.

#233
- Enough to get into our system. - And then we'll go to the doctor.

#234
We'll get all of our paperwork and we'll get full benefits.

#235
Then we'll collect for just a little while until we get settled.

#236
- And then I'll take the MCATs. - I'll move to New York. Perfect.

#237
(gasps) Oh, my God!

#238
- Oh, Jesus! - Oh, wow, you scared us.

#239
Oh, not 'cause you're black. No, no, no.

#240
- No, we're not racist. - No, no, no, no. God, no.

#241
- The neighborhood is scary. - If you were another ethnicity...

#242
- You really did pop up. - But it's a nice neighborhood.

#243
- It's the nature of this... - Roll your window down.

#244
Okay.

#245
- What you need? - Uh, one, please.

#246
- One what? - Uh, one rock of crack.

#247
A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough?

#248
How much would you recommend for a first-time user?

#249
Tell you what. I'll make you a deal.

#250
Two for the price of one.

#251
- Really? - Oh, that sounds good.

#252
- That's very nice of you. - How much?

#253
Uh, $200?

#254
- Okay. Uh-huh. - Sounds reasonable. Great.

#255
Okay. Let's see here, uh...

#256
That should be about 200. Thanks for being so kind.

#257
And patient.

#258
Pick it up down there.

#259
- Wait. Where? - Which...

#260
- This one. It's got to be that guy. - Don't say "this one".

#261
Maria, after you're done in the bathroom you come look for me,

#262
because I got some boots to be shined, all right?

#263
Tony, go chase that leak down in the basement, all right?

#264
Okay, boss. (exhales)

#265
Mac, I got to hand it to you. This is brilliant.

#266
That's how I roll. Charles?

#267
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna get nice and drunk,

#268
play some video games until my eyes bleed.

#269
- Amen to that, brother. - Me too. I wanna play Charlie.

#270
Uh... Don't you have, like, some stuff that you need to do?

#271
- No. - Yeah, managerial stuff.

#272
- Managerial stuff! - No, I got that all cleared up.

#273
And then I thought after we played a video game,

#274
the three of us go outside,

#275
throw the pigskin around, play some two-hand touch.

#276
- Hey, that's not gonna work out. - I'll teach you how to play.

#277
- Yeah, I already know how to play. - Not properly though.

#278
- Kind of properly. - Right. Oh, Charlie. You know what?

#279
We got to get into the bathroom to show Maria...

#280
Charlie has this thing, the scrubbing.

#281
Charlie has this scrubbing thing with the Brillo.

#282
- I have a Brillo. - He has a method.

#283
- And we got to show her. - Make sure that she's got it down.

#284
- I'll get myself a beer. - Yeah! Yeah, get a beer.

#285
We'll work it out over here.

#286
Well, this is a development I did not expect.

#287
It's like he's really trying to become our father.

#288
- I know how to play football. - I know you do, bro. I know you do.

#289
(sighs) Do you want me to leave?

#290
Huh? No, you're good. Make sure you really work the sponge in there.

#291
Because otherwise, that stain, like, it'll...

#292
- It's not clean if you don't. - Yeah. It's gonna get worse.

#293
Charlie, what are we gonna do? We got to ditch him or something.

#294
Tell you what. How about you and me, we go out on the town?

#295
You know what I mean? We celebrate this whole...

#296
(whispers) Slave situation.

#297
I'd love to, Charlie. I really would but we don't have any money.

#298
- What are we gonna do? - Oh, I got money.

#299
- What? - I got a whole bunch of money, bro.

#300
Frank's been hiding all of his money in my account.

#301
And why was I not made aware of this before?

#302
Uh, it's got something to do with the vig.

#303
What's a vig?

#304
Well, you know how gangsters, they talk about a vig?

#305
- Yeah? - And it means...

#306
- Yeah. Oh, a vig! - A vig.

#307
- Yeah. Well, you should have a vig. - I should have a vig, right?

#308
- And Frank didn't give me one. - It's bullshit! You deserve a vig.

#309
- I do. I'm a good guy, right? - You're a great guy.

#310
We're all great guys who deserve vigs. We're good people.

#311
All right, here's the plan. We're gonna slip out of here, okay?

#312
We're gonna hit an ATM. We'll take out just a little bit of cash.

#313
- Just a little. - Just enough. He won't even notice.

#314
Just enough to have a quiet night out.

#315
(whooping) Here's some for you! Here's some for you!

#316
And here's some for you! (laughs)

#317
(rooster crows) (alarm clock rings)

#318
Oh, God.

#319
Oh, shit!

#320
Dennis!

#321
- Dennis! - What happened?

#322
It's 4:00. (shudders)

#323
I'm freezing and I'm sweating all at once.

#324
I think I may have peed in my pants.

#325
We missed our doctor's appointment.

#326
Well, only by an hour. If we hurry, maybe they'll still see us.

#327
It was yesterday. We missed our appointment by an hour and a day.

#328
We slept through a whole day?

#329
- I feel awful. - I feel like I'm gonna die!

#330
I don't wanna feel like this anymore, Deandra.

#331
Mmm-mmm. Me either. Okay, listen.

#332
Maybe if I make a phone call right now,

#333
we'll be able to make another appointment.

#334
You think he'll see us on such short notice?

#335
We have got to try.

#336
Hey, man. Thanks for seeing us on such short notice.

#337
- That's what I do, baby. - Two more, please.

#338
That guy. Yeah.

#339
No, these are old, and I need to get new head shots.

#340
Because you can't have an agent without head shots.

#341
Dennis, when you become a veterinarian,

#342
will you buy me some new head shots? Please? Dennis?

#343
- Hey! Dennis! Hey, Dennis. - Huh. What?

#344
When you become a veterinarian, will you buy me head shots, please?

#345
Hey! Hey, get out of here, you piece of shit! (dog barking)

#346
Yeah, I'll buy you stuff.

#347
I'll buy you lots of things. (exhales)

#348
I'm definitely gonna buy a bunch of crack.

#349
(all laughing)

#350
- Hey! Hey, that's Dennis and Dee! - Driver, pull over!

#351
Hey, Dennis! Dee!

#352
- Oh. - Hey.

#353
- Guys. Hey. - Hey. Hey.

#354
- Hey, how's it going? - Oh, yeah. It's gonna...

#355
We're putting a couple things together lately.

#356
- Hey, uh, are you guys holding? - Holding what?

#357
Holding... Do you have any money?

#358
- Please? - Oh, um...

#359
- I just need a little bit of money. - Charlie, wait!

#360
DEE: Charlie, wait! DENNIS: No!

#361
Driver, we're done here. (all laughing)

#362
That's enough whining, for crying out loud!

#363
I think it might be broken.

#364
I told you not to act like such a nancy boy out there.

#365
Something was bound to happen.

#366
I didn't think it was full-contact.

#367
How do you expect to become a better player if nobody pushes you?

#368
Maria, go get us some ice and three beers.

#369
- I don't drink. - Me neither.

#370
You don't drink? Jesus Christ! You two are a couple of downers.

#371
You work hard, you don't drink. How'd you end up on welfare?

#372
It's a vicious cycle, Mr. Frank.

#373
I mean, one cannot support a family on a minimum-wage...

#374
(cell phone rings) Oh, shh-shh-shh-shh!

#375
Y'ello?

#376
This is Pam from First National Bank. Charlie Kelly, please.

#377
- Yeah, this is Charlie Kelly. - Hi. I'd like to speak with you

#378
about some recent activity on your new account.

#379
Some recent activity on my new account?

#380
- We got a big problem here, buddy. - All right. Try it again.

#381
I've tried it three times, okay? It's just not working.

#382
Need I remind you that the services have already been rendered, Charlie.

#383
- We got to pay these girls. - He cut us off.

#384
- Is there a problem? - No.

#385
- Not a problem here. - Yeah, I'm calling Hector.

#386
- No, no. Don't call Hector. - I'm calling Wallace.

#387
We shouldn't be calling Hector or Wallace or any other large pimp.

#388
Charlie and I are gonna handle this situation

#389
just like we handle every situation. - Yeah, we are gonna...

#390
Well, you know, we'll just go back to work for a little while.

#391
Just for a little while 'til we have enough money to buy some more crack.

#392
And then, we'll go on welfare, and I'll go be a star.

#393
And then I can be a veterinarian of some kind.

#394
- Maybe we should think about rehab. - Go to rehab as soon as possible.

#395
- In a couple days. - Yeah.

#396
Not now. (shouting)

#397
- Ah, Jesus Christ! That was close. - Oh, look who it is!

#398
- What the hell are you doing here? - We're getting our jobs back.

#399
- You can't have em! - We might have a drug problem.

#400
Oh, see, I might not really care. Your positions have been filled.

#401
- So we're gonna take yours. - You're not gonna take our jobs.

#402
My dad called and said that we could have your jobs.

#403
We need money to pay our hookers, okay? So you can't have 'em.

#404
- But we need money to buy crack. - Oh, I'm sorry.

#405
Did you get addicted to crack? Did somebody get addicted to crack?

#406
(mock crying) I sweat uncontrollably!

#407
I can't get somebody to have sex with me unless I pay for it!

#408
(arguing) Children, what's all the fighting about?

#409
Did you tell them that they could have our jobs?

#410
Why don't we go on inside where it's nice and warm

#411
and we can settle this like a family?

#412
- Yeah, what about the slaves? - Slaves are gone.

#413
They were bringing me down. Plus, you know they don't drink?

#414
- Drink? I want a drink. - Wait, wait, wait!

#415
Stop a second. There are gonna be some changes made. All right?

#416
First of all, you two from now on are gonna do all of Charlie's work.

#417
- No. Not his. - Stop!

#418
Charlie, you got a lot of balls stealing my money.

#419
This shows leadership. I am promoting you to management.

#420
- That's why I did it. - That's fantastic!

#421
That's why I did it too, Frank. I stole lots of money. What do I get?

#422
You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.

#423
How come Charlie? Not fair.

#424
- How come Charlie? - Why would you do this to us, Dad?

#425
Because you are crackheads, children.

#426
- Crack. - Crack.

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