Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E04 — Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 4 — Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom

#1
(doorbell ringing)

#2
- What? - Hi, Mrs. Reynolds.

#3
What do you want?

#4
Frank sent me over to pick up his toupee.

#5
- His toupee? - Yep.

#6
What does he need his toupee for?

#7
I think he has a date or something.

#8
- Frank has a date? - Yeah, I guess.

#9
Well, he can't have it. It's mine.

#10
You own his hair?

#11
All right, fine. It's in a box in the hallway.

#12
I was gonna throw it away anyway.

#13
I'm really sorry about this. I know it's probably a tough time for you.

#14
Divorce is a tricky thing. Oh! I found it.

#15
I got the hair now.

#16
Found the hair. So I guess I'll just, uh, see myself out.

#17
Right. Thank you for the hair.

#18
Oh, shit.

#19
FRANK: Wait till you see the hair. Is really authentic-looking hair.

#20
- It looks good. - How do you know the chick, anyway?

#21
Angie Spinola. High school.

#22
Firecracker. Hung out all the time.

#23
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, we did everything together.

#24
Wild sex. Whoa! I mean...

#25
- You name it, we did it. - Well, she sounds awesome.

#26
They don't make women like Angie anymore. Tell you that right now.

#27
Charlie, you gonna be okay, I leave you alone at the bar here?

#28
I think things've been going pretty well since you put me in charge.

#29
Right. Keep your fingers crossed.

#30
What are you?

#31
Why? Why would a person wipe their own shit onto a wall?

#32
DENNIS: I don't know. (toilet flushes)

#33
What are you doing? I thought you were cleaning the toilet.

#34
What? Cleaning the toilet? No, that's what Charlie does.

#35
I'm not doing Charlie work anymore.

#36
Okay, Dad said we need to, so get back in there and clean the stall.

#37
Dee, Dee. Will you take it easy? I got a plan to get us out of it.

#38
You do? Oh, God, that's good news. What is it?

#39
Well, let's just say I got a little date tonight,

#40
and as soon as Charlie sees who it is,

#41
no more Charlie work for me. - How does that help me?

#42
- I guess it doesn't, really. - Mmm-mmm. It sure doesn't.

#43
You know, you should come up with a plan just like I did

#44
and then you can get out of Charlie work too.

#45
Oh, you think I can't come up with a plan? (door closes)

#46
- Hey! - Dennis, hey.

#47
- Got something for you. - What?

#48
Really? Wow! Oh, thank you. That's really nice.

#49
- Can I take your coat? - Uh, are we staying here?

#50
No, no. I just want to have a look at what you're wearing.

#51
- Okay. - All right.

#52
- So, what do you think? - Yeah, okay.

#53
That'll work. Are you not wearing makeup?

#54
- I'm wearing makeup. - Really?

#55
- Yeah. - Do you have any more?

#56
- No. I didn't bring makeup. - Mmm.

#57
Uh, okay. That's all right. Let's go say good night to Charlie. Come on.

#58
Uh, I don't think that's such a good idea.

#59
Oh, no, no. He's totally fine with the situation. It's cool. Come on.

#60
- Really? - Yeah, yeah.

#61
Okay.

#62
(door opens) (laughing) Hey, buddy.

#63
Please knock if you're gonna be coming into my off...

#64
What ya doin'?

#65
I was doing some office stuff.

#66
Well, listen, uh, we are gonna hit the town

#67
so we just wanted to pop back and say good night.

#68
Looks like you got everything under control back here.

#69
Yeah, I do.

#70
That's a nice house of cards, Charlie.

#71
Actually, no. I was doing some business stuff

#72
'cause I'm the manager now. - Great. Well, we're out of here.

#73
- Don't work too hard okay, bud? - Good night, Charlie.

#74
- Good night. - Could you give me one second?

#75
Yeah. Thanks.

#76
(chuckles) Okay, listen. Here's the deal.

#77
Uh, I'm gonna bang her tonight, probably around 10:30 or so.

#78
I really don't wanna do that, so all you have to do to stop me

#79
s call my cell phone by 10:30

#80
and say, "Dennis, you don't have to do Charlie work anymore."

#81
- You're won't get away with this. - Oh, yeah, I will.

#82
I'll get away with it. 10:30, okay?

#83
10:30.

#84
Gonna blackmail me? You gonna blackmail me, Dennis Reynolds?

#85
- You ready? - I'm ready. Let's roll.

#86
- Hey-o! What's up, buddy? - Hello.

#87
- What's that? - It's your dad's hair.

#88
- Gross. - Yeah. Is Charlie here?

#89
Yeah, man. What's up with you?

#90
- You seem flustered. - Where's Charlie?

#91
- He's in the back office. - I wanna talk to him.

#92
- Okay. Go talk to him. - Okay.

#93
Great. Yeah.

#94
- Uh... Bye, Dennis. - See ya.

#95
Charlie, I have a real dilemma on my hands.

#96
Normally I wouldn't talk to you about this 'cause you're unreliable,

#97
but Dennis, Dee and Frank are all directly involved in this,

#98
and I gotta tell somebody, man. I am bustin'. Okay.

#99
Dennis's mom tried to have sex with me.

#100
- Interesting. - She got naked, she came on to me.

#101
I mean, that woman is straight crazy but I think I wanna bang her, man.

#102
- I know I shouldn't do it. - I think you should do it.

#103
- What? - An opportunity like this

#104
only comes around once in a lifetime, right?

#105
And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.

#106
Yeah, that's what I'm thinkin', but it's Dennis and Dee's mom.

#107
Well, that means that no one ever, ever is gonna find out.

#108
- That doesn't make sense. - It doesn't have to make sense.

#109
You're right. I'm gonna do it. (both laughing)

#110
- Okay. Okay. Oh, this is good. - This is good.

#111
I gotta meet Frank. I gotta give him his hair.

#112
You go, 'cause I gotta plot, and I gotta think.

#113
- Great. - Get outta here. God, this is good!

#114
Dennis's mom. Yes, he is.

#115
- I'm busy. - I want my job back.

#116
- Look, I'm... What? - I want my job back.

#117
Well, I'm...

#118
And you shall have it.

#119
Oh, Dee.

#120
It looks like we both need things from each other.

#121
I am not having sex with you, Charlie.

#122
No. It's not sex I want from you.

#123
It's sex I don't want from Dennis.

#124
Hmm?

#125
Mmm. So you gotta tell me about all the shit you been gettin' into.

#126
You must have a police record a mile long.

#127
- Oh, God. No. - Don't be modest now.

#128
You remember all the shit we used to get into?

#129
You remember that night in the graveyard?

#130
- How could I forget? - That slab was cold, baby.

#131
And remember the time we robbed a motorcycle and ran it into a river?

#132
Well, you must be doin' shit like that now, huh? Come on.

#133
Well, I've slowed down quite a bit once I met my husband, Carl.

#134
Oh, you told me you weren't married.

#135
Oh, I'm not. Carl passed a few years ago.

#136
Once I met him and had kids, I pretty much stayed at home.

#137
Carl had two children from a previous marriage

#138
and then we had five of our own.

#139
Oh, shit.

#140
Hi. I'm Jenny. I'll be your server this evening.

#141
Are you ready to order, or do you need some more time?

#142
Well, I think we need just a little more time.

#143
Okay, I'll be back in a second.

#144
- Isn't having children a blessing? - What?

#145
Isn't having children such a blessing?

#146
- What the hell you talking about? - Well, I mean, when Carl passed,

#147
my children were an enormous source of strength.

#148
- I mean, I thought... - Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

#149
- Angie, I'm gonna have to stop you. - I'm sorry?

#150
- This is not gonna work out. - What's not going to work out?

#151
- You, me, talking like this. - Why? What's wrong?

#152
For starters, you've got kids and shit. And you talk about 'em.

#153
You talk about your kids, you talk about your dead husband.

#154
- It's kind of bummin' me out. - Oh, you know, I'm sorry.

#155
It's not your fault. Just, maybe... I think you're too old for me.

#156
Frank, I'm two years younger than you.

#157
That's what I'm talkin' about.

#158
- I had a really good time tonight. - I had a good time too.

#159
- Okay, what's the deal with that? - What?

#160
Why do you keep checking your cell phone?

#161
I've just been, I've been expecting an important phone call.

#162
- I'm sorry. - Right. No, good luck with that.

#163
Wait, wait, wait. Don't... Don't go. I wanna go inside.

#164
No. I'm not gonna ask you inside, Dennis.

#165
- Why not? - Because I really like you.

#166
Well, yeah. I mean... I really like you too.

#167
- Then let's take it slow, okay? - Oh... Oh, wait.

#168
Uh... I love you.

#169
(laughs) I kind of don't know what to say.

#170
I kind of don't want you to say anything.

#171
(cell phone ringing) Oh, uh, hold that thought.

#172
- Yo. CHARLIE: I'm ready to talk.

#173
Cuttin' it pretty close there, pal. I almost sealed the deal.

#174
Just meet me at Paddy's and we'll work it all out.

#175
(laughs) Sorry about, uh...

#176
I feel like maybe I was being a little judgmental.

#177
- You're good. - Okay. Well, let's go.

#178
No. You were right. I should, I'm gonna go.

#179
Yeah. I'm gonna go now. We should take it slow. You were right.

#180
Really? Because I don't need to now.

#181
I think it's good. I think it's real good.

#182
Call me. (chuckles)

#183
Charlie?

#184
You called just in the nick of time, buddy. I was...

#185
Looks like we got a blown fuse in here.

#186
Better get on that. Blown fuses count as Charlie work.

#187
Oh, I don't think I'll be changing any fuses any time soon.

#188
I know something you don't know.

#189
That was, like, the best sex I've ever had, Mrs. Reynolds.

#190
- Like something magical happened. - Hmm?

#191
I was just saying that that was, like, so special, and...

#192
I mean, it was like magic.

#193
You're not gonna start talking about your feelings and shit, are you?

#194
No. Gay.

#195
No. It's just that, I mean, unless you want to, 'cause...

#196
No.

#197
I got a better plan.

#198
Okay. All right. So can I call you sometime?

#199
- I have your number, right? - No, I don't think so.

#200
Well, I know how to find you. Why don't we just leave it at that?

#201
All right. Did I do something wrong? I mean, was the sex bad?

#202
- Don't worry about it. - I can make adjustments.

#203
'Cause I've had to do that before, and it hasn't been a problem.

#204
- I'm shutting the door now. - If I could have a kiss goodbye

#205
that would be really great for me.

#206
If I gave you a kiss goodbye, would you let go of the door?

#207
- Yeah. - Fine.

#208
Oh, my God.

#209
- Oh! - Yeah. It's a terrible thing.

#210
It's a terrible thing for you to see that.

#211
- I'm gonna kill him. - No. No. Wait, wait, wait.

#212
What are you gonna do, punch him in the face? Throw him? Work the body?

#213
That's not gonna help. No, no, it's not gonna help. I'll tell you why.

#214
It doesn't un-bang your mom. No, you gotta do something worse.

#215
Something much, much worse.

#216
You're gonna have to bang Mac's mom.

#217
MAN (on TV): I thought I was.

#218
- Hi. - What?

#219
I'm looking for Mrs. Mac. Is she in?

#220
- Yeah. - I'm a friend of her son's.

#221
- I know you, Dennis. - Oh.

#222
Oh, my God. Oh.

#223
It's been a long time.

#224
Haven't seen you in a while. You look different.

#225
- I've gained a little weight. - Is that what it is?

#226
- Looks good on you. - Yeah.

#227
Yeah.

#228
Do you mind if I sit?

#229
So. Watching a little TV outside, huh?

#230
I like the fresh air.

#231
Probably gets a little lonely, though, every once in a while,

#232
watching TV out here by yourself. (chuckles)

#233
Every once in a while you probably want a man, right?

#234
(exhales) Someone to fulfill your desires.

#235
Oh.

#236
Not interested.

#237
Don't fight it, Mrs. Mac.

#238
Why don't we go inside and have a little fun?

#239
- Don't find you attractive. - What?

#240
I think you're an ugly man.

#241
- You think I'm ugly? - Yeah.

#242
- I'm not ugly. You're ugly. - Yeah.

#243
Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you, woman?

#244
You're saying that I'm... You don't find me attractive?

#245
- No. - You're not gonna have sex with me?

#246
- No. - It's ridiculous. I'm out of here.

#247
Wait. What? What just happened?

#248
I think you know exactly what just happened.

#249
No. No, come on. He did not try to have sex with that woman.

#250
He did, 'cause he's a dirty, dirty pervert.

#251
- I'm... I'm so confused. - Really? Are you? I can help you.

#252
Don't trust him. - But...

#253
(cell phone ringing) Uh-oh. Excuse me.

#254
- I need to get this. - Okay.

#255
Can you pop out real quick? (ringing continues)

#256
- Really? - Yeah. It's personal.

#257
You don't want to be rude, so... Excuse me.

#258
- Oh, my God. - Thanks.

#259
- Yeah. CHARLIE: How we doin'?

#260
- Cat's in the cradle. - Good, good, good.

#261
Time to move to phase two.

#262
There is no phase two. I'm not doing phase two.

#263
I did everything you said. And it's over.

#264
This isn't over until I say it's over!

#265
God. Sorry. Okay. Relax, dude.

#266
One more phase. That's it.

#267
(on machine) This is Barbara. Leave a message.

#268
(beeps) Hey, uh... Not answering my calls.

#269
I get it. You're busy. You're busy. It's a busy time of the week.

#270
Um, listen, I think you should give me a call back

#271
because I know what you're afraid of.

#272
You think Frank and Dennis are gonna find out,

#273
but they're not gonna find out anything, okay?

#274
I'm gonna keep my mouth shut on this one.

#275
And I know that you know that the sex was good, right?

#276
So I think maybe we should... (knocking at door)

#277
There's somebody at the door. I'm just gonna ignore it.

#278
I think that maybe we should get together... (pounding at door)

#279
They sound pissed. Listen, I'll give you a call back. Right.

#280
- Let's go for a ride. - Why?

#281
Grab your coat. We're goin' for a ride.

#282
- Are you going to kill me? - What? No.

#283
I just wanna go out and pick up some younger chicks

#284
and I need a wing man for that. Come on. Let's roll.

#285
(disco playing) How about the two out there on the dance floor?

#286
- Go on. Go on, break the ice. - Oh, come on, man.

#287
- Come on, man. Go. Go. - All right, all right.

#288
Hey, how ya doin'? I like your top. Lookin' good. Mac.

#289
- Hi. - Hi. I'm Frank.

#290
Wanna get down? Huh?

#291
What happened? What did you do?

#292
What are you talking about, what did I do? What was that little move?

#293
That move always works with the ladies.

#294
Frank, you have never gotten a chick with that move.

#295
What are you talkin' about? That's how I got my wife.

#296
- Really? - Yeah, don't go blamin' the move.

#297
The move works.

#298
So, uh, what other kind of things worked on your wife?

#299
- She likes money. - So she likes money and dancing.

#300
Can we stop talking about my wife for a second here?

#301
You're killin' the vibe. Let me see now.

#302
Over there. Try the move.

#303
You hang over here, this side. I...

#304
Hello, hello, hello. I'm Frank. Remember?

#305
#Go, go for it Go for it, ooh

#306
#Go for it, go for it. Ooh#

#307
Where'd he go? Mac!

#308
(knocking at door) Go away.

#309
- We need to talk. - Dee, now's not a good time.

#310
Charlie is making me have sex with him to get out of Charlie work.

#311
- What? - Yeah, I know. Really gross.

#312
Am I the only one around here who's not getting laid?

#313
Dennis, Charlie is forcing me to have sex with him.

#314
Mac's getting laid. You're getting laid.

#315
Now, even Charlie's getting laid? This makes me look terrible.

#316
Well, you know what? This is all Charlie's fault.

#317
None of this would be happening if Dad didn't put him in charge.

#318
You're right.

#319
- I'm gonna kill him. - No, no. Whoa.

#320
You gotta do something worse than that. Something much, much worse.

#321
(doorbell ringing)

#322
- Oh! Hello, Dennis. - Hello, Mrs. Kelly.

#323
- You look wonderful. - Thank you.

#324
Oh. Oh, my!

#325
Well, uh, it's good to see you, Dennis. What brings you by?

#326
I wanted to bring you some chocolates.

#327
- Thank you. - Do you mind if I come in?

#328
Okay.

#329
Oh, no.

#330
- That son of a bitch. - I know it.

#331
- No! No, he said he loved me. - How dare he do that?

#332
I'm gonna stab him.

#333
- I'm gonna stab his face off. - No. No, stabbing's bad.

#334
You need to do something worse. Something much, much worse.

#335
You gotta sleep with Charlie. (whimpers)

#336
Shh. Shh, shh, shh.

#337
I'm sorry, sweetie. I just don't find you sexually attractive.

#338
Are you kidding me? You don't find me sexually attractive?

#339
What in the hell is going on? What is wrong with you people?

#340
I am sexually...

#341
I am sexually attractive.

#342
I am an attractive man. (sobs)

#343
- Bam. - What the hell is that?

#344
$443.

#345
Listen, Mac, let's just end this right now.

#346
I only slept with you to piss Frank off.

#347
Afterward I felt like I was gonna throw up.

#348
- Frank makes you want to throw up? - No. You're not listening.

#349
It's you that makes me want to throw up.

#350
Oh. So you don't want to be my girlfriend anymore?

#351
- Jesus Christ. - Wait a second. Hold on.

#352
Wait! I'm confused. So you don't want to be my girlfriend anymore?

#353
- Hey. - Oh, shit!

#354
No, Mac, it's okay. It's all right.

#355
- Listen, uh... - Okay, let me explain.

#356
No, no. I understand, okay?

#357
- You do? - Yeah.

#358
Look, I... I think I know how you're feeling.

#359
Oh, man. That is such a relief.

#360
Check this out. I...

#361
- You've done well. - Thank you.

#362
And your date with the waitress is all set up.

#363
- That is so wonderful. - I have to ask you though.

#364
How did you know that your mom wasn't gonna sleep with Dennis?

#365
Hmm.

#366
Guess I kind of overlooked that detail. Okay, time for phase three.

#367
No, Charlie. You said there were only two phases.

#368
This one's easy.

#369
Okay. Phase three complete.

#370
- It looks good? - You look really good.

#371
- You sure? - Yes.

#372
- You're all done? - I'm all done. You look great.

#373
- Okay. Thanks for helping me out. - You're welcome.

#374
The waitress is gonna be here soon. I'm gonna go back to bartending,

#375
and you will go back to handling poo-poo.

#376
- Okay. Phase four. - No! No.

#377
- I got a quick phase four. - Charlie.

#378
- Let me squeeze a phase four in. - I won't. You cannot...

#379
- Just give me one little phase... - No. No.

#380
- Okay, fine! It's over. Okay? - Thank you.

#381
You are hereby released of all Charlie work.

#382
Hey, guys, uh, can you do me a favor and not get too drunk?

#383
All right? 'Cause I got some kegs that I need changing.

#384
Uh, there's, like, you know what? There's rats down in the rat traps.

#385
Hello, gang!

#386
You're lookin' at the new Frank. Ooh!

#387
#I've still got the moves

#388
#I've still got what it takes#

#389
- What the hell is she doing here? - "What the hell is she doing here?"

#390
Really? Really. I'll tell you what I'm doing here.

#391
You wanna know what I'm doing here, shit-for-brains?

#392
I had sex with your dad.

#393
That's right, I had sex with your father,

#394
because, just like you, I like my sex old and ugly.

#395
And with fake hair on their heads that falls off

#396
when you're having sex with 'em. It just falls off,

#397
because that's what you do, Dennis Reynolds.

#398
You like to have sex with old people and you said that you loved me!

#399
You said, "I love you" and so I thought, "Okay, I love you too".

#400
How do you show love? You go and have sex with old people.

#401
So that's what I did too!

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