Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E05 — Hundred Dollar Baby

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 5 — Hundred Dollar Baby

#1
CHARLIE: Dee, I think what Mac's trying to say

#2
s that it's probably the greatest movie of all time.

#3
DENNIS: That's 'cause it is.

#4
"Rocky IV" is not the greatest movie of all time.

#5
Dee, what do you consider to be a good movie?

#6
I don't know "Million Dollar Baby".

#7
Are you kidding me? That is ridiculous.

#8
- Come on. It won an Oscar. - "Rocky IV" has Stallone in it

#9
and he bashes a Russian's face to all smithereens.

#10
Lifting anvils and shit, and pulling trucks through the snow.

#11
"Million Dollar Baby" is totally unrealistic.

#12
Girls can't fight. They don't have muscles.

#13
- It's true. - That's a horribly sexist.

#14
It's not sexist. It's just truthful.

#15
Girls can't pull trucks through snow.

#16
- Can you pull trucks through snow? - I absolutely could.

#17
- You can barely walk in the snow. MAN: Excuse me.

#18
- That's true. - Time out.

#19
- Is the truck parked in neutral? - That's a good question.

#20
- Hey! - What, dude?

#21
Empty your pockets.

#22
- Now. - Okay.

#23
Hey, let's just all stay calm.

#24
(groans)

#25
Nice friends.

#26
Maybe, one to two inches of snow?

#27
- One to two inches. - And a Ford F-150.

#28
Right. In park, but no emergency brake.

#29
- Maybe I could pull it four feet. - I'd give him four feet.

#30
I'd give him five. What's with the gym bag?

#31
Just got back from a "Boxercise" class at the gym.

#32
"Boxercise"? (laughs) What kind of queer shit is that?

#33
- I'm learning self-defense. - Deandra.

#34
You wanna learn self-defense, you come to Daddy.

#35
I mean, all during the '60s, before I met my whore wife, I was a boxer.

#36
- They called me Frankie Fast Hands. - Frankie Fast Hands, everybody.

#37
Yeah, keep livin' in the past, Dad.

#38
Is this about that stupid "Million Dollar Baby" movie, Dee?

#39
No, actually, Mac, it's about being left in an alley with a mugger

#40
because my chickenshit brother and his friends ditched me.

#41
- You ditched your sister? - Absolutely.

#42
- With a mugger? - The guy had a knife.

#43
Of course we did. What were we supposed to do?

#44
If I was there, I would have used my Frankie Fast Hands technique.

#45
Dad, technique don't mean shit out on the streets. Guys have knives.

#46
Yeah. In boxing, there are rules. On the streets, we ain't got no rules.

#47
Ain't no rules out on the streets.

#48
You guys got no rules on the streets, you.

#49
FRANK: Oh, please. Will you stop talking about the streets,

#50
you three jackasses, like you've been there?

#51
Any underground street fight in Philadelphia,

#52
you'd find tons of technique. - You think you could teach me?

#53
In a month I'll have you kicking all their asses.

#54
Right. See you then. Dennis, I have an idea.

#55
(indistinct shouting)

#56
- Well, this is awesome. - Yeah. This is amazing.

#57
There's blood everywhere. It's beautiful.

#58
Yeah, and we were totally right. These guys don't have any technique.

#59
They just get all cranked up like a bunch of animals

#60
and beat the Christ out of each other.

#61
DENNIS: Look at all this money being thrown around.

#62
- Dude, we gotta get in on this. - Oh, yeah.

#63
Really, I think it's about who can take the biggest beating.

#64
- Yeah. (crowd shouting) MAN: Get up!

#65
You know who can take a really good beating?

#66
- Charlie. - Charlie.

#67
Here she is, the old gym.

#68
(sniffs) Smell that?

#69
- That's the smell of hard work. - And feet.

#70
That's the smell of big dreams. The smell of glory.

#71
- It smells like feet. - And feet. Does smell like feet.

#72
- Frank? - Oh, shit.

#73
Frankie Fast Hands! (laughs)

#74
Holy crap. I knew it was you. I haven't seen you in years.

#75
(stutters) Hey, Frankie, it's me. Bobby Thunderson.

#76
- Yes. Yes. Yes, Bobby. - Look at you!

#77
You really let yourself go.

#78
Are you trying to get back into fighting form?

#79
No, I'm actually, teaching my daughter some self-defense.

#80
Holy... Holy shit, man. I'm training my daughter too.

#81
Hey, what do you know? Hey, look at her. Look at her over there.

#82
Look, look, look. Oh! (grunts)

#83
Amazing. Hey, she's pretty too, huh?

#84
Like her old man, huh? (laughs)

#85
Well, it's really nice seeing you, Bob. Come on.

#86
Hey, don't listen to everything this guy tells you.

#87
You don't wanna get knocked out in the first round.

#88
Oh, my God, that's an annoying sound he makes.

#89
- Asshole. - Yeah, asshole.

#90
Okay, don't listen to anything he says. He's a real creep.

#91
All right, now. Here, we're gonna start weight training.

#92
First things first, squats.

#93
- Okay. That's it. - Uh, that looks really heavy.

#94
Look. This is not gonna be a half-assed workout.

#95
We gotta really get into it. It's gonna hurt.

#96
Yeah, but I can't lift that.

#97
Just position yourself under the bar and listen to me.

#98
All right. You're gonna take all the weight on your neck.

#99
Then you're gonna jam your legs down and hyperextend your ankles

#100
and then shoot back up and lock your knees in place.

#101
Not one of those things sounds right to me at all.

#102
Look. You wanna fight like a man?

#103
You gotta train like a man. Now, come on. Give me a squat.

#104
- Ready. Go! Go. (grunts) - Oh, my God!

#105
- Keep it up. Keep it up. - Daddy, I can't. It's... I can't.

#106
At least I got the one. Right?

#107
Yeah. Get out, get out, get out.

#108
We got a lot of work to do.

#109
(Charlie groaning) MAC: Good, good.

#110
- Ah! - Mmm-hmm.

#111
(moans) What are we doing?

#112
Charlie, you're, like, the toughest guy we know.

#113
- Yeah? - Nobody can kick your ass, right?

#114
- Practically invincible. - Yeah.

#115
- Yeah, what's your point though? - Here's what's gonna happen, pal.

#116
Dennis and I are gonna train you

#117
to be an underground street fighter. - What? That is brilliant.

#118
- Yeah, it is. - Okay, what's the first step?

#119
Well, first step is getting that shirt off.

#120
Yeah, let's go ahead and get that shirt off.

#121
- Why would I do that? - She's just gonna weigh you down.

#122
Yeah, and Rocky never wears a shirt when he trains

#123
so let's just go ahead and rip that bad boy off.

#124
I think I'm gonna wear it.

#125
That's ridiculous. You can't train and wear a shirt, dude.

#126
Now it's becoming this whole big thing. It feels a little gay.

#127
It's not gay, Charlie. Just take your shirt off.

#128
Why can't I just get, like, all excited

#129
and passionately rip it off in the moment?

#130
Why can't you just take your shirt off for us?

#131
Just drop it for now. It's not that big of a deal. (mutters)

#132
- All right, all right. - Maybe you should punch something.

#133
- There you go. - Yeah, you should punch something.

#134
- Why don't you punch this board? - Okay. Hold it steady for me.

#135
- Watch your eyes. - All right, come on.

#136
- Oh! MAC: Oh, that's... (groaning)

#137
- That looks like it stings. - God. What's that made out of?

#138
It's a board, so it's, you know, made out of wood.

#139
- It's, like, particle board. - It's harder than wood, dude.

#140
No. It's actually softer than wood.

#141
- Yeah, it's a lot softer than wood. - Petrified wood.

#142
- What happened? I thought you... - I guess I wasn't drunk enough.

#143
Oh, yeah. You should probably be really drunk for this.

#144
- We should all be drunk for this. - Let's get really drunk.

#145
- All right. - Yah. I'll get some beers.

#146
- Come with me. - Wait, wait, wait. Let him go.

#147
- Mmm. - I don't know what happened.

#148
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

#149
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Deandra, we've been at this for days now.

#150
It's like you have no motor skills.

#151
Just grab that bar and jerk it down behind your neck.

#152
Hey! How's the chip off the old block doin'?

#153
Bobby, not now, okay?

#154
Hey, your old man ever tell you how we fought back in '61?

#155
They billed it as, "Beauty Versus the Beast". (laughs)

#156
Wasn't much of a fight. First-round knockout.

#157
(sputters) - He went down like a... - Wait, wait. Hold on a second.

#158
What's goin' on with you? What, are you trying to humiliate me?

#159
Uh, I think you did that to yourself 40 years ago.

#160
You know damn well you hit me after the bell.

#161
- That was a cheap shot. - What... excuses are like assholes.

#162
Everybody's got one, and they all stink.

#163
- You wanna go at it right now? - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#164
You wanna settle this now? Let's do it right here.

#165
Let's settle this son of a bitch right here.

#166
Take it easy here. Come on. Jesus. Show a little class, will you?

#167
Geez. Look, I'm an old man. I don't fight no more.

#168
I let my daughter do my fighting for me.

#169
And maybe in a couple years, when this little graham cracker

#170
might have the stuff to compete, maybe we'll see.

#171
Wait. You know what, asshole? Why don't you go to hell?

#172
Dee, stay out of this. - No.

#173
This guy has been all over us since we walked into this place.

#174
I tell you what, jerk. Why don't you take your big mouth

#175
and go someplace else with it? - Listen, little buttercup,

#176
I'm just bustin' your old man's balls.

#177
You don't have to get your panties in an uproar.

#178
- Oh, my God. - Are you standing there? Move.

#179
- That guy is such an asshole. - Don't blame it on him.

#180
You're not makin' any progress. I'm goin' to get the jump rope.

#181
- Men are such pricks. - Oh, tell me about it.

#182
I bet you're real tired of them pushing you around.

#183
- Oh, God, you have no idea. If- only there was a way

#184
that you could be physically tough enough to intimidate men.

#185
I'm sorry. Do I know you?

#186
Let's just say I provide a much needed service around this place.

#187
Step into the shadows and, uh, we'll talk.

#188
(knocking on door) Yeah?

#189
MAC: Mac and Dennis, dude. Open the door.

#190
- What? - Mac and Dennis. Open the door.

#191
DENNIS: Open the door, bro.

#192
All right, guys. Hang on a second. It's like, uh...

#193
It's like 11:00 in the morning here.

#194
- We don't care. Open the door. - Surprise, bitch.

#195
(laughter) (yelling)

#196
- You're hittin' me with that? - Charlie, let's be honest.

#197
Punching boards isn't your thing.

#198
- But that's okay. - Yes, that's okay,

#199
because for you it's not gonna be about inflicting punishment,

#200
t's gonna be about having punishment inflicted upon you.

#201
We need to smash things all over your body.

#202
- Yes! - No.

#203
Charlie, we need to build up your tolerance to beatings.

#204
- Hence the smashing. - We used a trash can,

#205
but Dennis wanted to use a chair. - I think he's ready for a chair.

#206
- That's way too excessive. - That guy's ready for a chair.

#207
- No, he's not ready for a chair. - I'm tellin' you, he's ready.

#208
Hey! Guys! I can handle a chair. Go get a chair.

#209
See what you're doing to him? You're getting him all worked up.

#210
- He's the toughest guy we know. - Yes, he is, but he...

#211
Hey, Mac! Get a chair, smash it on my back.

#212
That's the right attitude. He's got the right attitude.

#213
I'll tell you what. Charlie, go put on those little short-shorts.

#214
Let's take things to the next level.

#215
But first things first, let's get good and drunk.

#216
- Let's get drunk. - Yeah!

#217
(whooping)

#218
(cheering) Drink this. Drink this.

#219
Now, just to be clear, these aren't steroids, right?

#220
No, no, no, no. Of course not.

#221
These are performance-enhancing supplements.

#222
Okay, so how long before I start to notice something?

#223
This is the good stuff. You'll feel it almost immediately.

#224
But I should warn you, you may experience some mood swings,

#225
some irrational thinking here and there,

#226
but it is nothing compared to the long-term effects.

#227
Which are what?

#228
You ever punched a guy so hard in the eye he swallowed it?

#229
I'll get some water.

#230
- How do you feel, man? You drunk? - Yeah. I'm pretty wasted.

#231
Great. All right. So what do we smash first?

#232
- I wanna smash a crate on his... - Yeah, a crate on his back.

#233
- Why don't you punch me? - Punch you? Punch you?

#234
I'm probably gonna get punched a lot in the tournament, right?

#235
Yeah. All right. Okay, that's a good point.

#236
So let's pop that shirt off, and we'll start punching.

#237
- Oh, my God. Really? - Yeah, man.

#238
Every time I'm gonna take it off...

#239
This is gonna be so much better with your shirt off, dude.

#240
- Why can't you just take it off? - Just take it off.

#241
You're ruining the moment.

#242
- What is with you and the moment? - You know what? Forget it.

#243
- Who do you want to punch first? - I don't care.

#244
- That was good. - Well, you caught me off guard.

#245
(groans) (laughs) That was a big part of it.

#246
That was the same spot. The same exact spot.

#247
Charlie, if we keep this up,

#248
you're gonna be the best underground street fighter ever, bro.

#249
- Okay. Okay, Deandra. - Just 10 more minutes.

#250
- No, no. That's it. Dee, that's... - I love it. I need more of it.

#251
Deandra, enough. Enough.

#252
Come on, what the hell has gotten into you the last couple of days?

#253
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

#254
You think I can't do this by myself? You think I'm on something?

#255
- "On something" I never said that. - Then don't. Don't start.

#256
Hey, now we're talkin' here. She's a killer.

#257
You're goddamn right I'm a killer.

#258
You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant makeup.

#259
- I will eat your babies, bitch. - Bring it!

#260
- Nobody's eating anybody's babies. - You lookin' to spar, little girl?

#261
- No. No fight. She's not ready. - Oh, I'm ready.

#262
- No, you're not ready. - I'm ready! Let me eat her babies.

#263
- What about next Friday, huh? - Yeah. How's Friday?

#264
- You're crazy. - How's Friday to you?

#265
What's the matter, "Frankie Fat Hands"?

#266
You're afraid she's gonna get knocked out just like you did?

#267
- Hey! - Get this liar off of me here.

#268
No! No! You stop it. This is my fight. Do you understand me?

#269
I'm sick of men getting in my way. This is my fight. You hear me?

#270
You hear what I'm saying?

#271
Maybe we should leave these two alone, huh?

#272
Okay. We'll see you next Friday, huh?

#273
"Beauty Versus the Beast II." (laughs)

#274
Come on, Brianna. Here we go.

#275
- You're not ready for this fight. - Oh, I have an idea, Dad.

#276
Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face and hold the bag?

#277
I'm gonna paralyze this bitch.

#278
(grunts)

#279
#Try to be best 'Cause you're only a man

#280
#And a man's got to learn To take it

#281
#Try to believe Though the going gets rough

#282
#That you gotta hang tough To make it

#283
#History repeats itself Try and you succeed

#284
#Never doubt that you're the one

#285
#And you can have your dream

#286
#You're the best around

#287
#Nothing's gonna ever Keep you down

#288
#You're the best around

#289
#And nothing's gonna ever Keep you down

#290
#You're the best around

#291
#Nothing's gonna ever Keep you down

#292
#Down

#293
#Fight till the end 'Cause your life will depend

#294
#On the strength That you have inside you

#295
#Oh, gotta be proud Standin' out on the cloud

#296
#When the odds in the game Defy you

#297
#Try your best to win them all

#298
#And one day time will tell

#299
#When you're the one That's standing there

#300
#You've reached the final bell

#301
#You're the best around (yells)

#302
#Nothing's gonna ever Keep you down

#303
#You're the best around

#304
#Nothing's gonna ever Keep you down

#305
#You're the best around

#306
#Nothing's gonna ever Keep you down

#307
#Down

#308
#Whoa, whoa, Oh you're the best around

#309
#Nothing's gonna ever Keep you down

#310
#You're the best around

#311
(shouting) #Nothing's gonna ever Keep you down

#312
#You're the best around (laughing)

#313
#Nothing's gonna ever Keep you down#

#314
Yes, Dad, I know the fight is in a few hours, all right?

#315
I'm trying to find my goddamn headband. Is that okay?

#316
Is it okay with you if I find my headband before I come down there?

#317
Is that all right with you, Dad? Jesus!

#318
Why didn't we get the orange one like I said?

#319
This one might as well be goddamn camouflaged!

#320
Oh, good. Are you happy now?

#321
I just punched a hole in my wall!

#322
(sobbing)

#323
- Are you sure you're okay, dude? - No, I'm not.

#324
I start thinking, you know, and it makes...

#325
(growls) It makes me so angry.

#326
(laughing)

#327
What am I saying?

#328
Okay.

#329
We're gonna go. We're gonna go sign you up for the fight.

#330
- Yes! - You stay here and eat your eggs.

#331
Have the... Have... Make sure you eat some of the sandwich.

#332
MAC: Yeah, you can just meet us down there, all right?

#333
- Can you meet us later? - Yeah.

#334
- Meet later? Can I meet you later? - Are you gonna meet us down there?

#335
Yes, I'm gonna meet you there later!

#336
All right.

#337
(growling)

#338
(laughing)

#339
All right, sign here, here and here.

#340
- And what is this? - These are waiver forms

#341
n case your fighter is seriously injured or killed.

#342
Oh, we don't care about that. Sign away.

#343
- What's the fighter's name? - Clown Baby.

#344
- Clown Ba... Clown Baby? - Yeah.

#345
- You mean like a baby clown? - Not a baby clown. A clown ba...

#346
It's like a baby... It's like a clown that is a baby.

#347
- I said cl... Clown baby. - Mmm-mmm. You said baby clown.

#348
- I don't even care. - Yep.

#349
"Clown Baby"? What in the hell kind of a name is Clown Baby?

#350
Bro, it's perfect. Nobody's gonna bet on a guy named Clown Baby.

#351
He's gonna be a huge underdog.

#352
Which means we stand to make even more money off him.

#353
- Exactly. - Oh, that's brilliant.

#354
Hey, pal, 500 bucks on Clown Baby.

#355
Oh, Dennis. $500? That's all we got, dude.

#356
You saw Charlie. We turned that kid into an animal.

#357
Yeah? Call me a Holocaust victim? Say you're prettier than me?

#358
Okay, maybe that part might be a little bit true.

#359
We'll see how pretty you are as soon as I punch a hole in your goddamn...

#360
Wha...

#361
Where the... Who took my shit?

#362
I might have had some.

#363
What did you just say, you little bitch?

#364
I might have had some of your pills or whatever.

#365
Oh, yeah?

#366
I am gonna punch a hole through your face.

#367
- I'd like to see you try that. - Yeah?

#368
(table rattling)

#369
- Oh, you're gonna die! - Oh, I am gonna rip your face...

#370
Make a shirt out of it, and I'm gonna wear it.

#371
I'm gonna take one second to take my shirt off,

#372
and then you're gonna die!

#373
(grunts)

#374
What the... Hey, listen, lady.

#375
You wanna beat up on your little boyfriend, do it somewhere else.

#376
Watch the car.

#377
(snarling)

#378
- Dude, where is your fighter? - He'll be here.

#379
- He'll be here? When? - Yes! Soon!

#380
Okay, you have five minutes to put a fighter in that ring.

#381
Okay.

#382
- Just spooke with Charlie. - Well, where is he?

#383
- He's in jail with Dee. - What?

#384
Apparently they got all hopped up on amphetamines or something

#385
and beat the shit out of some guy in front of the bar.

#386
- Amphetamines? - Yeah, steroids or something.

#387
- I don't know. - Damn it, Charlie.

#388
Look at the dude he was supposed to fight. He's the scrawniest...

#389
Charlie would have killed him. We're gonna miss out on all this money.

#390
- Anybody could kick that guy's ass. - I know.

#391
Come on. You could kick... You could kick that guy's ass.

#392
You think?

#393
Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you're the second toughest guy I know.

#394
I did bash Charlie good a couple times.

#395
- You almost hurt him once. - With the bottle, you mean?

#396
- Yes and that's next to impossible. - That was good.

#397
- You're... You're good. - I am good. Yeah.

#398
Tell you what. Um... Why don't you go stretch out?

#399
I'll talk to the bookie and let him know that Clown Baby...

#400
... has arrived.

#401
- Let's do it. - All right.

#402
God damn it.

#403
- Frankie, what's the deal? - She got arrested.

#404
Ah! I knew that skinny bitch would chicken out.

#405
So we'll never get the fight. That's a shame, Frankie.

#406
Lots of unanswered questions, huh?

#407
You want your fight? You got your fight. You and me, right now.

#408
- Well, I... No. - What? Daddy, you can beat him.

#409
- You're next. - It'll be just like the old days.

#410
- I will kill you. - I'll knock your nose off the face.

#411
You ain't gonna... You wanna knock something, you knock it off of me.

#412
- That's right. - All right, you got a fight.

#413
Greg, get my gloves.

#414
I'm sorry, bro.

#415
Sorry is not gonna get our money back.

#416
- He was so fast, you know. - You should have moved around

#417
a little more and tired him out. Now we have nothing.

#418
I don't know what to say, dude. I gave it my best.

#419
Yeah. You know what? Your best wasn't good enough.

#420
- Hey, you have the time? - Aw, not you again.

#421
Look, man, we don't have any money, all right? We just lost it all.

#422
- Empty your pockets. - Hey, meth-head.

#423
Are you listening to me? We don't have any money.

#424
Do it, or I will kill you both.

#425
Okay, here you go. Look. Empty.

#426
- Now you. - I don't have anything.

#427
- Do it. - I don't have...

#428
- Just empty your pockets. - No. I'm not emptying 'em.

#429
- I'm not even gonna... No. - Just empty your pockets.

#430
- No. It's a matter of principle. - A matter of principle?

#431
I don't feel like standing in an alley with a meth-head.

#432
- Yes! This is bullshit, dude. -I'm gonna stab you, man!

#433
For the love of God, empty your pockets.

#434
Okay.

#435
- What the hell is that? - Give it to me.

#436
You give us a second.

#437
Where did you get that money?

#438
I had to change the bet a little.

#439
- You bet against me? - I bet against you.

#440
- Why would you bet against me? - Well, it was the right move.

#441
I mean, you got your ass kicked.

#442
Why wouldn't you tell me?

#443
I could've taken a dive. I wouldn't have had to get my ass kicked.

#444
Mac, it had to look real.

#445
Were you gonna tell me eventually?

#446
- Yes. - Yeah?

#447
- I was going to tell you. - Yeah?

#448
You know what? Stab this son of a bitch.

#449
Oh, wait a second. Oh, come on, Mac.

#450
Don't be like that, man. You would have done the same thing, man.

#451
Come on, don't act like a baby.

#452
Please don't stab me.

#453
Bash this ugly jerk's face in, Daddy.

#454
- Your last chance to chicken out. - That ain't gonna happen, Bobby.

#455
I've been waiting for this for a long time.

#456
All right, Frankie. Seeing that we're a couple of old men here,

#457
I think we should lay down some ground rules.

#458
Now. Number one...

#459
(groans)

#460
(inaudible)

#461
(loud crunch)

#462
Holy shit!

#463
(theme music playing)

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