Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E06 — The Gang Gives Back

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 6 — The Gang Gives Back

#1
MAC: Aw, come on! This isn't fair.

#2
You accidentally burn down a building,

#3
and you get 120 hours of community service?

#4
Now this says that I gotta work with kids.

#5
- Yeah, me too. - I don't like kids.

#6
- I don't wanna work with 'em. - I don't have time for this.

#7
- Yeah, I have 248 hours of, uh... - Interstate.

#8
Inter... Interstate.

#9
- Sanitation. Jesus Christ! - What is that... What is that?

#10
That's the guys with the orange vests who pick up trash.

#11
Oh, my God! And then what is this about the AA?

#12
- Alcoholics Anonymous. - For...

#13
- Six... months - Oh, my God.

#14
- That is so unfair! - What do you expect, Charlie?

#15
Why would you tell the judge you were drunk?

#16
- 'Cause I was drunk, Dee. - But why would you say that?

#17
I thought that would get me off the hook.

#18
That was dumb, wasn't it?

#19
I would rather pay a huge fine than have to give back to the community.

#20
- Holy shit! Look at this bill! - What?

#21
Those mimosas were like eight bucks a pop, Charlie.

#22
- Are you serious? - Well, you had like seven of 'em.

#23
Uh-oh.

#24
- I'm not paying for your mimosas. - No way!

#25
- I didn't bring enough money. - I don't have enough money.

#26
You don't have any money? What are you... Are you serious?

#27
Ah! Ah!

#28
(chattering)

#29
FRANK: Good. Good. Good. Go ahead. Go ahead.

#30
(traditional Asian music playing)

#31
(chattering continues)

#32
- I know what it is. - We can't go back.

#33
(chattering continues)

#34
I fold. Deal me out. Hey. Hey, gang, what's the action?

#35
- What's going on here? - Asians love gambling.

#36
- You know these guys? - Yeah. From 'Nam.

#37
- You were in Vietnam? - Don't get excited, Mac, all right?

#38
He was in Vietnam 10 years ago on a business trip.

#39
Beautiful country.

#40
Dad, please get these guys out of here.

#41
They're really weird and scary-looking.

#42
Hey, I own half this bar, too.

#43
You know what. You can't just come in here

#44
and start running our lives like this. It's not fair.

#45
- Wanna bet? - What?

#46
- Would you like to bet on it? - On what?

#47
- Whether or not it's fair? - Sure. Bet on whatever.

#48
You know what? This is exactly why I don't wanna work with him.

#49
- You know what I mean? - Yes.

#50
Because you start doing crazy shit like this all the time...

#51
And making crazy bets about absolutely nothing at all, Dad.

#52
You know what? If you don't go, me and Mac and Charlie,

#53
gonna sell our portion of the bar. - No, we're not.

#54
- Just back me up on this. - No, I can't really back you up.

#55
Why can't you just back me up on this?

#56
(shouts in Vietnamese) - You guys...

#57
(shouts) (shouts in Vietnamese)

#58
- Screw this. I'm out of here. - That just blew my mind.

#59
That was incredible.

#60
So today's speaker is David,

#61
for those of you who are new to the program.

#62
I know a number of you have heard David's story before.

#63
But a few of you haven't. I'm sure you'll find David's story...

#64
... has a lot of relevance to your situation. (bottle clinks)

#65
Uh, anyway, I'm gonna go ahead and...

#66
We have a late arrival here. (laughs)

#67
Hi. Do you want to introduce yourself?

#68
- Me? - Mm-hmm.

#69
- Oh. I'm Charlie. ALL: Hi, Charlie.

#70
- Here. Have a seat down front. - Oh. No. Okay.

#71
I knew this would happen. I'm not an alcoholic, actually.

#72
Yeah, I'm only here 'cause I got a little drunk,

#73
and I threw a flaming bag of feces into a building

#74
and I burnt it down a little bit. You know?

#75
But I wasn't trying to burn it down.

#76
I was trying to make the place smell real bad and get rid of this guy.

#77
So... This guy knows what I'm talking about.

#78
Look, uh, Charlie, the first step to recovery

#79
s simply admitting that you have a problem.

#80
I'm not an alcoholic, so it's cool.

#81
He was drinking a beer when he came in.

#82
Oh, my... Dude! Oh, dude, how are you gonna...

#83
Really? (scoffs)

#84
I thought you were cool, man, like...

#85
MAC: Sorry, I'm not gonna sell my piece of the bar.

#86
- You're being a dick about this. - I'm being a dick?

#87
What do you want me to do, get another job?

#88
Well, try to think where I'm coming from in all this.

#89
- I'm coming from a selfish place? - Just shut your mouth.

#90
- Shut you the mouth. - Can I help you?

#91
Yeah, we are here as part of our community service.

#92
Always a bunch of clowns.

#93
- Excuse me? - All right.

#94
We need volunteers for our Sunday basketball league.

#95
You're gonna be coaching the teams.

#96
I got two positions left,

#97
so I'm gonna have to put two of you together.

#98
Great. Dennis and I will coach a team.

#99
I think I'd rather split you two up.

#100
(chattering)

#101
Charlie. Hi.

#102
Hey. Wow. I didn't know you were in AA.

#103
- Yeah. - Where were you sitting?

#104
I, um, kind of slumped down in my seat

#105
when I heard your name so you wouldn't see me.

#106
Right.

#107
Listen. I didn't realize you were an alcoholic.

#108
It actually explains a lot of your past behavior.

#109
Check this out. I'm not an alcoholic.

#110
See, I have to be here 'cause the court...

#111
- I threw this flaming bag of feces. - Okay, okay, okay.

#112
You don't have to give me explanations. I understand.

#113
I've maybe been a little too judgmental of you.

#114
I mean, I know what it feels like to have alcohol run your life.

#115
- Doesn't run my life. - And I... I want to maybe help you.

#116
Are you saying you want to go out on a date with me?

#117
- No. No, Charlie. - No?

#118
I don't... I never want to go out on a date with you.

#119
Great.

#120
What I'm saying is maybe I could be your sponsor.

#121
Oh!

#122
But you can't ever hit on me.

#123
- No. - Because that's never gonna happen.

#124
- Yeah, I heard. You said that. - Okay.

#125
- So, sponsor. That's cool, yeah. - Okay. Okay.

#126
- I wrote down my phone number. - Wow.

#127
Please, Charlie. Please don't make me regret giving this to you.

#128
No, absolute... Absolutely not.

#129
No, this'll be a platonic sponsor-sponsoree kind of a thing.

#130
Great.

#131
Oh. No shit! I was so close.

#132
All right, kids, kids. Uh...

#133
Why don't you line up on this free throw line over here?

#134
All righty. Uh...

#135
You, you, you, you and you,

#136
come over here.

#137
All right.

#138
Now the rest of you kids can go with those two losers right there.

#139
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the hell's goin' on over here?

#140
- Pickin' my team. - No. No, you can't take all...

#141
- I can't pick the... - You can't pick all...

#142
- What should I not pick? - You know exactly what you've done.

#143
- Okay, everybody back. - Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's my team!

#144
- No, we're startin' over. - All right. Fine. But I pick first.

#145
Fine.

#146
- You. - You.

#147
- Uh, you. - You.

#148
- You. - Hey! What's goin' on over here?

#149
- Pickin' teams, Sir. - The teams are already picked.

#150
You two have the Ducks, and you have the Wildcats.

#151
(laughs) Ducks.

#152
Are you kidding me? Are... You guys are the Wildcats?

#153
Jesus Chri...

#154
Is anyone absent?

#155
Anyone tall? What are those, flip-flops?

#156
Jesus, kid. Did you not wear shoes?

#157
You don't know? Did anyone else not bring shoes?

#158
- All right. Everybody take a knee. - Go ahead and kneel.

#159
Apparently there is some confusion as to who is the head coach here.

#160
Yeah, it could be a guy who's never participated

#161
n any kind of sporting event ever.

#162
Yeah, or it could be a girl. That's enough said, right?

#163
Mac and I are gonna play a quick game to 21.

#164
And the winner will be head coach.

#165
You guys might want to pay attention,

#166
'cause you'll probably learn a thing or two watching us.

#167
Absolutely. Try to remember what she does wrong.

#168
That's the first thing.

#169
Terrible. Take a lap.

#170
Godawful. Get goin'.

#171
Oh, that's a great shot, Chris. Come here.

#172
You're gonna be the saving grace of the team, you know that?

#173
Everybody try to be a little bit more like Chris.

#174
- What the hell is that? - I don't know.

#175
- It's diet. - Oh.

#176
Do I look like I need to be on a diet?

#177
I don't know.

#178
Terrible. Take a lap.

#179
This one? Gonna get it this time? (grunts)

#180
See, kids, that's 18-0. (groaning)

#181
Fundamentals don't mean shit if you got no strength.

#182
- My knee hurts. - We're almost done.

#183
(groaning) Oh, God. You son of a bitch.

#184
So this is your place? Wow!

#185
You know, it actually looks a lot like my apartment...

#186
- Don't sit on my bed. - No. No. Wasn't gonna.

#187
That's a good bed though. That's a beautiful bed. Nice and soft.

#188
Charlie, are you here to try to have sex with me?

#189
I can't believe you could ask me a question like that

#190
n my time of need. - I'm sorry.

#191
That's okay. We... We got a history, and you're suspicious.

#192
I get that. We got a crazy history, you and me. Oh, well.

#193
You know, maybe I'll just... get a little comfortable,

#194
and I won't talk, and you can just kinda...

#195
- Just watch your feet on the... - Tell me about...

#196
- I'll take my shoes off. - No. Don't take your shoes off.

#197
I'm really more comfortable if I take my shoes off.

#198
- Charlie. - So tell me about you.

#199
What kind of music are you into? What's your favorite color?

#200
You ever... You ever owned a dog? Do you want a dog?

#201
(sighs)

#202
This thing is cozy.

#203
Just ice it and it will go down.

#204
- I know what you do to it! - Hey, what's the action?

#205
Oh Jesus Christ! Are you gonna keep saying that?

#206
- Is that your catchphrase now? - Dad, can you get me some ice?

#207
What happened to your eye?

#208
Well, Mac plays basketball with his elbows. That's what happened.

#209
Youse were all playin' basketball?

#210
Yeah. It's a part of our community service.

#211
Gotta coach kids as part of our, uh, sentence.

#212
Like two teams playin' against each other?

#213
Yeah, that's generally how basketball is played.

#214
Basketball, huh? Here.

#215
And go! Very nice.

#216
Lot of tight footwork. That's it. Very good.

#217
Chris, doin' really good. You got some good moves.

#218
Dad, what the hell are you doing here?

#219
Oh, well, I just came because you were late. I volunteered.

#220
- Hey, do some ball work. - Why are you doing this to me?

#221
I figured maybe you and I could do a little father-son bonding.

#222
I don't wanna bond with you. Go back to bonding with Charlie.

#223
- Charlie's with a girl. - What girl?

#224
- You know, the waitress girl. - The waitress hates Charlie.

#225
How do you know that?

#226
Because he's obsessed with her and won't leave her alone.

#227
Quite frankly, I don't see what all the fuss is about.

#228
I banged her. I don't get it.

#229
Dennis, you shouldn't be sleeping with your friends' girlfriends.

#230
Are you handing down life lessons? Get the hell outta here!

#231
- Get off my court! - What? Your court?

#232
- Yeah. - Wanna shoot for it? Free throws?

#233
- Shoot for what? - Throw me the ball.

#234
All right. Well, best out of three gets to be the coach.

#235
Dad, you don't wanna shoot me for it, because you'll lose.

#236
You wanna bet?

#237
Kids, keys to the game. Elbows. Knees. Say it with me once. Ready?

#238
TOGETHER: Elbows. Knees.

#239
Excellent. Excellent work. You're gonna want to utilize both of those

#240
over the course of the season, okay?

#241
Because the referees in this league aren't gonna call 'em.

#242
But they might, which is why you have to be very careful.

#243
Fouls can lose a game for even the most dominant of teams.

#244
Yeah, kids, could you excuse the assistant coach and I for a second?

#245
We'll be back.

#246
Don't you ever contradict me in front of my team like that.

#247
These kids need to know who their coach is.

#248
Well, I can see how they might be confused. Are those combat boots?

#249
Don't get all high and mighty because you got a pantsuit.

#250
You look like Big Bird! (whistle blows)

#251
I got the season schedule right here.

#252
- Get back! I can handle this. - I have to see.

#253
- What's up? - Why are you here?

#254
- I'm coaching Dennis's team. - Not coaching my team.

#255
- You lost fair and square. - Dont give a shit.

#256
- You're not coaching my team. - It is on! We play you guys first!

#257
We are gonna school your sorry-ass team!

#258
- Wanna make it interesting? - Dad, you don't wanna do that.

#259
- Our kids are terrible. - That's what a bad coach would say.

#260
- A hundred bucks says we win. - You're on.

#261
I'm gonna coach the shit out of this team.

#262
- Well, assistant coach. - Let's make it 200.

#263
- How about five, bitch? - What are you doing?

#264
You scared? You wanna quit? You can back out.

#265
'Cause I can coach this team better than you or Dennis or Dad...

#266
Or any other goddamn man any day of the week.

#267
Whoo! Whoo! That's it! Gambling!

#268
(grunting)

#269
Oh, I can't tell you how great I'm feeling.

#270
I haven't been this healthy in, like, a crazy long time.

#271
It's having amazing effects on my body.

#272
That's probably the best thing about it.

#273
Yeah. Wow.

#274
So you can probably stop coming over here all the time then, huh?

#275
Uh, well, I don't know. I just don't know if that's safe.

#276
Yeah, I think it's safe.

#277
Maybe if you think it's safe, I'll consider it. But, whoo...

#278
- Hey, um, how's your friend Dennis? - Hmm?

#279
I haven't seen him around much lately. What... What's he up to?

#280
He's, like, working at some stupid youth center thing.

#281
- He works with kids? - Yeah. But he has to. That's why.

#282
Oh, my God. That is so sweet.

#283
Do you think maybe we could go down and see him?

#284
Why don't we roll down there today?

#285
You know, you and me. Celebrate the three days sober.

#286
- Great. I'll get changed. - Great.

#287
So get out.

#288
Actually I need to take a shower, 'cause I'm crazy sweaty from those.

#289
Charlie.

#290
I'm an alcoholic trying to get better,

#291
and I'm getting kicked out on the street. All right.

#292
Jesus. You can start.

#293
MAC: These are wristbands, and these are safety pins.

#294
I want everybody to insert their safety pin into their wristband,

#295
sharp side out.

#296
All right, if you come down right on the top part

#297
and smash down with all your weight,

#298
you'll break the kid's foot in three places.

#299
What if I get hurt?

#300
That's a good question. Now as long as you hurt the other kid

#301
as bad or worse than he hurts you,

#302
you'll have done your job, and I'll be proud of you.

#303
Look how good he is with those kids.

#304
You like that, huh? (sighs)

#305
Tell you what. I'll be right back.

#306
Okay, here we go. Lay it up. (groans)

#307
Shoot it up. Let's see. Whoo. Very nice.

#308
Okay, everybody take five. Chris, come on over here a minute.

#309
I'm gonna talk to you. Let's see.

#310
Go on over there. You go... You guys go.

#311
Now listen. Clearly, you're the best player on the team.

#312
All right? Now I wanna give you a couple lessons

#313
that maybe Coach Dennis hasn't covered with you.

#314
Lesson number one, winnin' ain't everything.

#315
Lesson two, do you own a bike?

#316
Hey.

#317
- Dennis, hey. - Hey.

#318
(laughs I haven't seen you in a while.

#319
You haven't come by the coffee shop.

#320
Uh, yeah.

#321
Um, so I know that it was kind of... It got weird after the...

#322
- Right. - When we...

#323
Um...

#324
Anyway, I thought maybe we could spend some time together again.

#325
Um, haven't you been spending a lot of time with Charlie lately?

#326
I'm helping him get sober.

#327
Right. Well, good. That's a good thing.

#328
- Thank you. - Yeah.

#329
So I don't want to get in the middle of thaT.

#330
So we shouldn't talk at all while that's going on.

#331
Oh.

#332
- Good. All right. I'll see you. - What... You will see me.

#333
- I'll see you. - Yep, yep, yep, yep.

#334
- Charlie, this isn't working out. - Huh?

#335
I don't wanna be your sponsor anymore.

#336
It's starting to get in the way of my personal life.

#337
(scoffs) What are you talkin' about?

#338
I only offered to be your sponsor

#339
so I could get closer to your friend Dennis.

#340
- What? Dennis? - Yeah.

#341
Come on! That guy, he's like one of those cheesy...

#342
Oh, he's so phony. No. You know what? We can't do this action.

#343
You gotta... 'Cause what if I start drinking again?

#344
That's a risk I'm willing to take.

#345
I hope you guys are ready for the pain.

#346
Oh, we'll be bringing a little pain of our own.

#347
- You guys are goin' down. - We'll see.

#348
- Kids, how are you feelin'? TOGETHER: Good.

#349
Good? Doesn't sound good. Are you drinking the Red Bull?

#350
- Come on. Chug 'em down. - I feel sick.

#351
That's the vitamins ripping out the inside of your stomach.

#352
- That's a good thing. Trust me. - Flop, come here for a second.

#353
All right. These are for you.

#354
And there's a steel toe in there. Don't be afraid to use it.

#355
- Thanks, Dad. - I'm not your dad.

#356
All right. Let's get this show on the road.

#357
All right, Team Wildcats! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

#358
All right, boys. Now listen up. This week... Where's Chris?

#359
- Uh, I don't know. - You don't know?

#360
You guys know where Chris is? TOGETHER: No.

#361
Ah, it's no big deal. We don't need him.

#362
It is a big deal. We can't play without Chris.

#363
I got 500 bucks on this game. Are you crazy?

#364
(stammering) Well, let's...

#365
You know what. I gotta find him. We can't play without him.

#366
No. You can't go.

#367
He lives a block away, be right back. Dad, I'll be right back.

#368
Let's go. Get ready. Put your shoes on.

#369
Hey, Chris, you in there?

#370
Chris, come on, buddy. Let's go.

#371
(bell ringing) Hey.

#372
What the hell are you doing? The game's about to start.

#373
I got a new bike.

#374
- So ride your bike after the game. - I'm not supposed to play.

#375
What do you mean, you're not supposed to play?

#376
You know what? I don't have to talk to you, shithead!

#377
You bought Chris a new bike to throw the game. The bet's off.

#378
- Whoa! - You can't call the bet off.

#379
- Dad's up to something. - I'm not up to nothing.

#380
- Excuse me. Hey, Dennis. - Yeah?

#381
Hey, um, just... I want... Just good luck out there.

#382
Okay, yeah. What are you talking about?

#383
- I just wanted to say good luck. - All right. Great. Thanks.

#384
Have a seat on the bleachers. I'm in the middle of something.

#385
No way. I'm not sitting up there. It's way too smoky.

#386
(shouting in Vietnamese)

#387
(sighs) You cheating piece of shit.

#388
(whistle blows) Oh, let's go!

#389
Let's... Let's play some basketball, all right?

#390
- Charlie, what are you doing? - I volunteered.

#391
- Let's play some ball. - Oh, my God.

#392
You know what, man? I don't know what you're doing here.

#393
But you gotta call this game off.

#394
Oh, you're dead to me. There's a dead man speaking to me right here.

#395
- Great. You're drunk. - I'm dead to you?

#396
Yeah, I am drunk. You know why? I don't have a sponsor anymore!

#397
- Whatever, Charlie. - Let's play basketball!

#398
You gotta call this game off, Charlie!

#399
- Let's have the teams! Let's play! - Let's play.

#400
- Not gonna get away with this. - What you're talking about?

#401
(whistle blows)

#402
(grunting)

#403
(shouting) (whistle blowing)

#404
(shouting) (whistle blowing)

#405
(shouting) (whistle blowing) Get him with the elbow!

#406
(grunts)

#407
(whistle blowing)

#408
(whistle blows) (indistinct)

#409
(shouting continues) (whistle continues blowing)

#410
(shouting continues) (whistle continues blowing)

#411
MAC: What the hell are you doing?

#412
(whistle blowing)

#413
(grunts)

#414
Hey, hey. Right?

#415
(grunts)

#416
(whistle continues blowing)

#417
(indistinct)

#418
(whistle blows) All right, Charlie, that's it!

#419
You call this game! This game is over!

#420
You got a problem? Button that lip!

#421
Don't tell me to button my lip, Charlie!

#422
- Is that a threat? - Yeah, that's a threat!

#423
- You're outta here! - Charlie, what are you doing?

#424
- I call 'em like I see 'em. - Come on, man. Calm down.

#425
- You're outta here! - Oh, my God!

#426
- Yes! I'm head coach! - This is your fault, Dad!

#427
- Why is it my fault? - Because you fixed the game!

#428
- You fixed the game? DEE: What are you talking about?

#429
- Yes, he fixed the game! - What are you talking about?

#430
How do you do something like that?

#431
(shouting continues) Do you see what you've done?

#432
DEE: Get out of here! You're in the showers!

#433
(shouting continues)

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