Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E07 — The Gang Exploits a Miracle

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 7 — The Gang Exploits a Miracle

#1
DENNIS: Most people would agree. DEE: I don't agree.

#2
- Will you look at your skin? - I am. What's the matter with it?

#3
- It's all blotchy. - How's it blotchy? I don't see it.

#4
Dad, look at Sweet Dee's skin and tell me that it's not all blotchy?

#5
Do I have to listen to this shit all morning?

#6
Frank, you've gotta be kidding with these receipts.

#7
We were actually doing better before you took over.

#8
Hey! Hey! What's up, guys? (sniffs) I didn't hear you guys come in.

#9
Uh, you know, I was actually in here early opening up this morning.

#10
We had an agreement. This is a place of business, not your home.

#11
Uh, yeah, I know that.

#12
Not supposed to sleep in the bar anymore, bro.

#13
- I wasn't. - You didn't come home last night.

#14
Oh, okay, okay. Well, guess what?

#15
I found some extensive water damage in the back office.

#16
- What? - Yeah, maybe I'm not such a bad guy

#17
for passing out in there and drinking too much or whatever.

#18
- That's a terrible excuse, dude. - I drank too much, so lay off.

#19
Holy shit! Guys, come here! Come here! Check this out!

#20
Look!

#21
- What? - What?

#22
That is the Virgin Mary.

#23
CHARLIE: What? - Oh, take it easy, bro.

#24
No, look. The head and the arms and the cape.

#25
- Does look like it. Weird. - I don't see it.

#26
What if it's a sign? You guys, remember, I wanted to be a priest.

#27
That's a water stain, dude.

#28
Or it could be a sign that we need to get our pipes fixed.

#29
What if it's a miracle? (arguing)

#30
Listen. It could be a miracle. It could be bullshit.

#31
There's only one thing we know for sure.

#32
- What's that? - It's a goddamn gold mine.

#33
Well, I'll tell you, Jim. I was in the back office,

#34
and I'd just finished praying on my rosaries.

#35
And I was doing some crunches, you know, working on my abs.

#36
And that's when I saw it.

#37
And I thought to myself,

#38
"That is definitely the mother of our Lord."

#39
Did my face look fat?

#40
Yeah.

#41
No, don't, don't screw with me here.

#42
- Seriously. It's just the TV, yes? - No, it's been looking fat.

#43
So if you like the Virgin Mary and you like beer,

#44
come on down to Paddy's Pub. We got 'em both.

#45
Welcome to Paddy's Pub, home of the Blessed Mother.

#46
- Would you care to make a donation? - How much should I give?

#47
Well, what price can one put on the viewing of a miracle?

#48
Give whatever you can.

#49
These people are pathetic.

#50
Yeah, Dad, I really don't feel very good about what we're doing in here.

#51
Well, don't get all high-and-mighty on me.

#52
I only made $4, Deandra. I think I can live with myself.

#53
Let's move, lady. We got a whole long line here.

#54
Don't be selfish. All right. Rollin' on in.

#55
This is one of the more ridiculous things we have ever done, dude.

#56
Ridiculous is taking advantage of the mother of God.

#57
Are you kidding me? That is a water stain, man.

#58
We are really pushing our luck with the big guy upstairs on this one.

#59
Dude, if you don't think you're already going to hell,

#60
you need to take a long look at yourself.

#61
- Go look at yourself, bro. - Okay, I'll do that.

#62
Yeah, do it. MAN: Dee Reynolds?

#63
Oh, wow. It is you. Matthew Mara.

#64
We were in physical therapy together twice a week after school.

#65
I was the only other person in physical therapy with you.

#66
- Huh. - I wore the giant leg braces.

#67
Oh, my God. Yeah, with the leg braces.

#68
- Wow. You look different. - Yeah, so do you.

#69
- No more back brace, I see. - Uh-uh.

#70
- You look wonderful. Yeah. - Oh.

#71
MAC: Matty Mara? - Hello, Mac.

#72
I knew it! I called it from across the bar,

#73
even without the cripple braces. - So, what? You're a priest now?

#74
Wow! Look at you. Little Matty Mara all grown up, huh?

#75
Hey, Dennis, little Matty Mara's here. The priest.

#76
Hey, you come to witness the miracle for yourself?

#77
Miracle's a strong word, Mac.

#78
We don't just throw that around like a football.

#79
- Well, you should. - I just came out of curiosity.

#80
See what you had at this bar of yours.

#81
You have to admit it's her, dude.

#82
- Well, it's quite a likeness. MAC: Yeah. You think it's a sign?

#83
No, I think it's a stain.

#84
But, uh, it's an interesting stain. I'll give you that.

#85
- Hey, Matty. - Hello, Dennis. How are you?

#86
I've been better. I've been better. Let me ask you a question, man. Um.

#87
I know it's been years since we've seen each other,

#88
but does my face look fat to you?

#89
Well, we've all put on a few pounds since high school, so...

#90
Of course. Of course. But I don't look fat though, right?

#91
Um, no.

#92
- What did we call you in school? - Rickety Cricket, dude!

#93
That's right. Rickety Crickety Legs. (creaking)

#94
(creaking)

#95
Hey, remember how you would pass out at parties,

#96
and Dennis would tea-bag you? - Yeah, then I would take the photo.

#97
- We'd pass it around the school. - We'd pass it around the school.

#98
- That was so funny. - Everybody loved the photos, Matty.

#99
Hey, you still get balls-to-the-chin cracks?

#100
No. Actually, that was a long time ago.

#101
- It would be funnier as a priest. - Oh, my God. Those pictures.

#102
You don't understand how much everybody loved those.

#103
- My balls on your chin. - Everybody loved you, man.

#104
I think people still have copies. There's a lot floating around.

#105
- I saw them on the Internet! - You were, like, famous in school.

#106
Yeah, practically. Practically.

#107
- I got a shoe box of those things. - That's partially our doing.

#108
Well, let's, let's... I should get going, so, um...

#109
MAC: Okay. - Hey, hey. Check it out though.

#110
Um, why did you pause before you said "no" earlier?

#111
I'm sorry?

#112
Well, earlier when I asked you if my face looked fat, you kind of paused.

#113
I'm not sure.

#114
Uh, listen, Dee, it was great seeing you again.

#115
- Oh, yeah. You too. - Gentlemen.

#116
- Cricket. - Later, Cricks.

#117
- See you, Rickety Crickety. CHARLIE: I love that guy.

#118
- How do you know the priest? - We went to high school with him.

#119
We should get him to bless the stain.

#120
- Why? - This could be huge, Charlie.

#121
I mean, endorsement from the Catholic Church.

#122
No. No. See, you guys are taking this thing way too far.

#123
You know what I'm gonna do? Wash my hands of it.

#124
Washing my hands of the whole situation, Lord.

#125
He will smite you all. God will smite you all!

#126
Okay, uh, we should do it soon though

#127
because the pipe might leak a little more.

#128
The stain could fade. You think this priest would help you guys?

#129
I think Dee could get him to do it.

#130
- What? Why me? - Oh, "Why me?" she says.

#131
The guy was in love with her. He would do anything for her.

#132
No.

#133
All right. Remember the time you said you'd kiss him

#134
f he ate a horse turd? - He ate the whole turd.

#135
The guy eats the wholething. Then she doesn't kiss him 'cause she said

#136
his breath smelled like shit. - His breath smelled like shit.

#137
- That's my girl. - It didn't really happen like that.

#138
No. He ate the whole turd, and then she wouldn't kiss him.

#139
Hey, Dee, come on. This would be really good for the bar.

#140
No. Screw you guys. No way. I'm not doing that.

#141
That's a bad attitude. FRANK: Oh, you know what?

#142
I think the priest may not do it because she's getting a little old.

#143
Oh! Yeah. DEE: What is that?

#144
- Yeah, your skin's all blotchy. - No, it's not.

#145
He's not gonna do it. You got the crow's feet.

#146
- No, I don't. - You're getting the lines there.

#147
- Mmm. Fivehead. - Laugh lines.

#148
You know what? You guys are such assholes.

#149
I'm gonna see what I can do.

#150
Matthew, hi.

#151
Dee. Wow. What a nice surprise. What brings you here?

#152
The guys and needed somebody to bless that stain in our bar.

#153
(chuckles)

#154
- Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.

#155
Dee, I'm not gonna bless a water stain.

#156
We don't do things like that. The Catholic Church...

#157
Oh, no, no, no. I know not them.

#158
But I was just hoping you could just do me a little favor.

#159
Dee. Okay.

#160
I realize you were able to get me to do things for you in school, but...

#161
Oh, you know what? I did.

#162
I kind of led you on a little bit back then, didn't I?

#163
But I wasn't always a tease, you know?

#164
Remember? I let you do all my math homework.

#165
Not sure I follow your logic.

#166
Well, what about that time we almost kissed?

#167
You made me eat a...

#168
Look, I'm not blessing the stain, okay?

#169
- Oh, no. Hold on a second. - The taste of that thing alone...

#170
- No, I can't imagine. - It haunts me.

#171
Of course it does. I'm sorry, okay? Forget...

#172
Forget I came by about the stain. I don't care about that anymore, okay?

#173
I just... I know you really liked me back then,

#174
and I know I wasn't very nice to you.

#175
And I think that's just because I was too stupid to realize

#176
how wonderful you are. I'm sorry.

#177
And...

#178
For the record, I think that you grew to be very handsome.

#179
You do realize you're leading me on right now? I'm a priest.

#180
- Am I? Oh, I didn't even know. - Yeah.

#181
But if you wanted to grab a drink sometime...

#182
- You're still doing it. - Oh, my God. I don't...

#183
Wow, I... I think it's just 'cause you look so handsome in...

#184
- Please leave. - Okay, I'm gonna go now.

#185
- Thank you. It would be best. - All right.

#186
- God bless. - Yeah.

#187
Would you care to make a donation

#188
n the name of Paddy's Pub to the Holy Blessed Mother?

#189
- Mm-mmm. - Hey, Charlie, this needs to stop.

#190
If you guys don't do it, I'm gonna do it myself.

#191
You're telling me. I'm sick of doing this.

#192
God is going to show his wrath, Charlie.

#193
WOMAN: Excuse me.

#194
Are you the young man to whom the Holy Mother first appear?

#195
- Yeah. - Could you bless me, please?

#197
Uh, yeah, sure, I guess.

#198
- In the name of the Father... - Right hand.

#199
... the son, Holy Spirit. Amen. - Gracias.

#200
You're welcome.

#201
Did you see that, dude? (chuckles)

#202
I just blessed that woman.

#203
I may have saved that poor, wretched old person's life.

#204
Well, I don't know about that, but, uh...

#205
This could be my calling, Charlie.

#206
What happened to "God's wrath" business, and "this has to end..."

#207
Yeah, no, don't worry about that, dude.

#208
I think this could actually be a good thing.

#209
- We could change the world. - Okay, okay. All right.

#210
New plan, all right? Let's go around, let's bless people.

#211
Well, actually, I should bless people though,

#212
but you could be my right-hand man. You could be my Peter.

#213
Oh. Okay, I'll be your Peter.

#214
Dress a little nicer though, 'cause you look like shit. (door opens)

#215
(door closes) Hey. How'd it go with the priest?

#216
- Not gonna happen. - Did you put the moves on him?

#217
First, gross. I don't think you're supposed to whore out your kids.

#218
Second of all, that guy is a really good person, you know,

#219
and I've treated him like shit his whole life.

#220
For once I'm gonna do the right thing.

#221
- He thinks you're too old, huh? - Goddamn it.

#222
- Why do I speak to you, ever? - Hello.

#223
Oh, wow.

#224
What is wrong with you?

#225
Oh, well, I've been fasting for three days, so I probably look good.

#226
You haven't eaten anything for three days?

#227
- And I feel great. - Why the hell are you fasting?

#228
I thought I would get in the spirit

#229
of the religious aspect of what we got going.

#230
It's 'cause we said his face looks fat.

#231
It is not. People have been fasting for thousands of years...

#232
... for health and religious purposes.

#233
- Moses... - Fat face.

#234
Jesus and Moses in the woods and in the desert...

#235
- Please listen to me. Please. - Forget it.

#236
Yeah. All right? The priest thinks Dee's old for him.

#237
We gotta go to plan B. I know another guy who could help us.

#238
(knocking)

#239
Father O'Grady? Uh...

#240
I'm Frank Reynolds. I was in your parish.

#241
What do you want?

#242
We came to talk to you about a stain.

#243
No! Uh, wait a second. We just wanna have a few words with you.

#244
We found a stain in our bar that resembles the Virgin Mary.

#245
- Cats are brown now. - What?

#246
- The cats are brown. - What is he talking about?

#247
This guy's perfect. Let's go clean him up.

#248
(humming) #I got the Lord I got the Lord

#249
#I got the good Lord He's goin' down on me

#250
- #Down on me... I got the Lord - What are you doing?

#251
#I got the good Lord Is goin' down on me#

#252
The Lord is going down on you? What's that suppose to mean?

#253
- Why are you dress like this? - Come on. It's perfect.

#254
- Where did you get it? - I have my sources.

#255
Charlie, I told you to dress nice.

#256
We look like salt and pepper shakers.

#257
- Ah, we look good. - All right. Let's just get started.

#258
- Uum... - Mmm. (clicks tongue)

#259
Ah. Uh, excuse me, sir.

#260
- Hello. Would you like a blessing? - From who?

#261
Well, it was to me that the Virgin Mary first appeared.

#262
- I found it. - What?

#263
Well, I'm just saying I was the one who found it.

#264
Yes, but I was the one who first recognized it was the Virgin Mary.

#265
- I found it, if you want the truth. - You thought it was a stain.

#266
- I'd prefer a blessing from him. - Why?

#267
He seems a lot more religious than you.

#268
Okay, but he is my number two and doesn't really do the same...

#269
Well, maybe I could just throw you one of...

#270
Don't do it. (humming) Don't do it, Charlie. Don't do it! (sighs)

#271
- Ha! - Thanks a lot. I appreciate it.

#272
Okay, feel better. You're looking better already to me.

#273
You are completely betraying me.

#274
What are you doing? You're supposed to be my Peter.

#275
You know what, dude? Hear me out for a second.

#276
Now, technically, that stain did appear to me.

#277
Also, I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is,

#278
so am I the messiah?

#279
I don't know. Could be. I'm not ruling it out.

#280
- The messiah? - I'm just not ruling it out is all.

#281
You gotta be kidding me, dude.

#282
Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

#283
I knew you were gonna ruin this. God damn it.

#284
Ooh. I really wish you wouldn't take my name in vain.

#285
(humming)

#286
#I got the good Lord All up inside of me#

#287
How are we gonna get this guy to bless anything? He's out of mind.

#288
Well, I'm hoping it's mostly the booze talking.

#289
Let's find some coffee. We can sober him up.

#290
- Did you hear me? - Hmm?

#291
Dennis, I think you really gotta eat.

#292
No, I just spaced out for a second. What's up?

#293
Find some coffee. We don't have a ton of time.

#294
Here's a confession. I'm in love with a man.

#295
What?

#296
I'm in love with a man.

#297
A man called God.

#298
Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God?

#299
- You betcha. -Can I talk to you, please?

#300
- Speaketh. - In private.

#301
(chuckles) Okay.

#302
Well, congratulations, Jim Jones.

#303
You found the four people on the planet

#304
dumb enough to listen to your shit.

#305
Oh, forgive him, Lord, for he know not what he say.

#306
Give it a rest. You're not the messiah.

#307
You don't know dick about the Bible.

#308
You know, it really sounds like somebody in this room is jealous.

#309
Because it's bullshit! I'm the one that wanted to become a priest.

#310
I'm the one that knew it was Mary. The one that should have followers.

#311
- Sorry, bro. You suck at it. - You wanna have a competition?

#312
- Like what? - A toe-to-toe on the Bible, bitch.

#313
Ask and ye shall receive, sucker.

#314
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

#315
It has been 10 years since my last confession.

#316
(sighs)

#317
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit,

#318
what's on your mind, my dear?

#319
I'm in love with a man that I can't have, Father.

#320
And he used to love me, too, but then I was really mean to him,

#321
and now we'll never know what could have been.

#322
Well, it's too late now.

#323
He's made a commitment that can never be broken.

#324
(sighs) Let's drop this act, Matty.

#325
Listen, I think I have really strong feelings for you.

#326
- Dee, please don't do this. - You know what?

#327
It just seems like some kind of cruel joke.

#328
I mean, you wanted me once, and now that you can have me...

#329
And, oh, Matty, I mean you could really, really have me.

#330
You don't want it anymore?

#331
Well, God has a plan for everybody.

#332
- Well, that seems dumb. - Well, it's not. It's God's plan.

#333
Yeah, well, God's plan sucks this time. You know why?

#334
- 'Cause I think I love you. - Don't say that, Dee.

#335
I have to say it, and I'm gonna tell you why.

#336
Because if I don't say it, I'm gonna regret it for the rest of my life.

#337
Okay, maybe that's not "God's plan" or whatever. I don't care.

#338
I want you to know something. I love you.

#339
And I, I could be your wife,

#340
and I could spend the rest of my days making you happy.

#341
- Dee? - Yes.

#342
- It's me. - I know it's you.

#343
- Just please, please leave. - No, listen. Wait, wait, wait.

#344
I don't know what God wants for us, all right?

#345
But I do know God brought you into our bar,

#346
maybe that was just so I could say I'm sorry, but that sounds stupid.

#347
I don't think that's why. That's not big enough.

#348
He works bigger than that. Maybe his plan is for us to be together

#349
because he did have you come to our bar. Hey. Matty?

#350
- What? - Open the door.

#351
- No. - Matty, open the door.

#352
(sighs) I love you.

#353
- I know that. - Okay.

#354
- Say seven Hail Marys. - Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

#355
I love you.

#356
"When the Lord saw that he had gone over to look at the burning bush,

#357
"God called from within.

#358
"'Moses, come no closer! Remove your sandals, for...'"

#359
Uh, let's stop there. Why is God asking Moses to remove his sandals?

#360
Well, you didn't let me finish, dude.

#361
It's because Moses is about to walk on holy ground.

#362
- No, actually, it's not. - Yes, it is. That's the next line.

#363
"'Remove your sandals,

#364
"'for the place where you are standing is holy ground.'"

#365
But what's in between the lines?

#366
What's in between the lines is that he has to take off his damn sandals

#367
because it's sacred ground. - No! Sacred ground? Sacred ground?

#368
God doesn't worship the ground. God made the ground.

#369
And Moses is about to step near a burning bush. That is gonna be hot.

#370
God doesn't think Moses is gonna do it.

#371
"Hey, Moses, kick your shoes off.

#372
"Come on. Walk around a burning bush"?

#373
That's like asking me to take my shoes off and stand on a hot plate.

#374
I'm not gonna do it. Unless God asks me to.

#375
And then I am, just like Moses. Why? What's gonna happen to Moses?

#376
His feet aren't gonna get burned.

#377
No. God is gonna reward him with some sweet-ass shoes.

#378
It's like, "Oh. Oh. You risk your feet, you get some shoes."

#379
That's the way God works, 'cause God loves us.

#380
Trust in God, He'll give you shoes.

#381
(applauding)

#382
Are you kidding me? You're buying this crap? You...

#383
FRANK: All right. Here we go. (door closes)

#384
Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.

#385
Hey. What are you guys doing? Who's this?

#386
This crazy, drunk priest...

#387
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no.

#388
You get a drink after you bless the stain.

#389
Shh! Ooh, cats! And they're brown!

#390
Oh, this guy is great. Hey, you think he'll bless me?

#391
- Love to. - Great. Hey!

#392
It's okay, Frank. Hey, everybody, gather round.

#393
This priest here is going to bless me.

#394
Then after he's finished, I will honor each and every one of you

#395
with a blessing of your own. You can take that with you.

#396
Okay, Father. Anytime you're ready.

#397
The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

#398
What is wrong with you, old man?

#399
Why would you bring somebody like this into the bar? (mouthing words)

#400
Charlie, get the camcorder. The Father's gonna bless the stain.

#401
Right foot, left foot. There we go.

#402
- Dee. Dee. - Whoa. You are not lookin' good.

#403
Truth, truth. Face fat?

#404
No, you idiot. Your face is fine.

#405
I just got mad that you called mine blotchy.

#406
- Oh. (stammering) Why... - What?

#407
- Why'd you do that? - Oh, because you're a bad person.

#408
- Charlie, you got the camcorder? - Oh, yeah, yeah, I got it.

#409
Oh, Mac, Mac. This endorsement's gonna put me over the top.

#410
Go to hell, Charlie.

#411
Oh, these people are gonna be eating out of my divine hands.

#412
These people are gonna catch on to your shit.

#413
Are they really? Hello.

#414
#When Irish eyes are smilin'

#415
- #Sure, 'tis like a... ? - No! No, get away from there!

#416
- Get him away! - Get... Back off. Oh.

#417
What did you do, you shithead? You ruined it

#418
Oh! It's gone!

#419
- Uh, no, actually, it's not gone. - It's gone!

#420
- The Virgin Mary has left us! CHARLIE: She hasn't left us!

#421
You can see the outline.

#422
She abandoned us 'cause we listen to a false prophet!

#423
- No! False... - False prophet.

#424
- That's what you are. - Hey. Where are you going?

#425
Looks like your followers are leaving you.

#426
- Don't go. - She'll come back.

#427
- Dee. - Matthew? What are you doing here?

#428
I thought about what you said, and I think you're right.

#429
I mean, in some weird way, this was God's plan for us.

#430
I mean, I had to become a priest to reconnect with you,

#431
and I had to leave the priesthood to have you.

#432
Huh?

#433
Mr. Reynolds, I'd like to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage.

#434
- Done. - Okay, hold on one second.

#435
- Bless you. - Hold on.

#436
Did you just say that you left the priesthood?

#437
Yes! Yes, I had to.

#438
Matty, wow. You should not have done that.

#439
- What do you mean? - You gotta...

#440
You should go and undo that right now.

#441
- Uh, but you said... - Yeah, I know what I said.

#442
There were a lot of things, and I meant all of them. I did.

#443
But the thing is, I didn't know you were actually gonna leave the Church

#444
which is why I felt safe saying those things in the first place.

#445
So wait. Wait. So...

#446
- So you don't love me? - Oh, Matty.

#447
I think you are a great guy.

#448
(Mac and Charlie wincing)

#449
- My life is... My life is ruined. - No.

#450
- It's... Yes, it's ruined. - No. It's not.

#451
What about this? Why don't you go back to the priesthood?

#452
I can't, okay? (stammering) I can't.

#453
You can't just go back, Dee.

#454
"Yeah, I wanna become a priest again." You can't. Okay?

#455
But are you sure? Did you double-check that?

#456
Oh, my life is ruined. - - Hmm. So...

#457
I'm the bad person, huh?

#458
(groans)

#459
That's what you get for not eating.

#460
Hey, Cricket! You know what would make you feel better?

#461
What could possibly make me feel better?

#462
MAC: You wanna tea-bag Dennis?

#463
- I'll get the camera! - Yeah!

#464
- Polaroid, Polaroid, Polaroid. - Whoo!

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