Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E08 — The Gang Runs for Office

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 8 — The Gang Runs for Office

#1
FRANK (laughing): These things are hilarious.

#2
CHARLIE: These are priceless. These are priceless.

#3
DEE: What are you guys looking at? Uh, Garbage Pail Kids.

#4
FRANK: Heavin' Steven. Classic.

#5
Totally classic. I love Heavin' Steven.

#6
Are those those stupid cards

#7
where babies are doing disgusting things?

#8
They're the amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things.

#9
You got quite a collection there, buddy.

#10
Yes, I do.

#11
Hey, Charlie, how about givin' me a couple of these?

#12
Uh, no.

#13
I tell you what. I'll buy 'em from you. You got a ton of 'em.

#14
No, no. These are, like, an investment.

#15
This is my future here, okay. So don't mess with them.

#16
Hey, have you guys seen this?

#17
We are getting blasted in the ass by the state liquor tax.

#18
"Blasted in the ass."

#19
Mac, we have this same conversation every year.

#20
There's nothing you can do about taxes.

#21
You guys might want to think about voting every once in a while.

#22
- What has voting ever done? - Why... Since wh... What has...

#23
- Why are you comin'down... Voting? - Who am I supposed to vote for?

#24
Am I supposed to vote for the Democrat

#25
who's gonna blast me in the ass...

#26
or the Republican who's blasting my ass?

#27
Politics is just one big ass blast.

#28
It is a coast-to-coast, nationwide ass blast.

#29
No more! You guys are such morons.

#30
If you knew about politics, you would know that that is not true.

#31
Deandra, it's just some jerk gettin' into office

#32
so he can get out for the payday.

#33
Right. The guy's runnin' for office. He's... What? What payday?

#34
I see it every year.

#35
Some clown runs for office, drops out of the race

#36
and gets a big chunk of dough.

#37
I mean, you have to be a real low-life piece of shit

#38
to get involved in politics.

#39
Okay. I just got off the phone with the city clerk.

#40
Turns out there's an election comin' up.

#41
Local, small-time shit. Anybody can run.

#42
- What's the position? - "South Philly, Zone 2,

#43
"District 37 Comptroller."

#44
- Nice. What's a comptroller? - Who gives a shit, dude?

#45
We're doin' it for the bribe. I nominate Dennis.

#46
- I accept your nomination. - Wait a minute.

#47
How come he gets to be the candidate?

#48
Take a look at that hair... Kennedy hair.

#49
Note the bone structure. It's like a young J.F.K.

#50
I got the same bone structure.

#51
(hemming and hawing)

#52
What are you making that noise... What is that about?

#53
You got something funky goin' on in the forehead area.

#54
- Five head. - Did you say five head?

#55
I don't have that.

#56
Deandra, a woman in politics is like a donkey doing calculus.

#57
Come on. There are plenty of amazing women politicians.

#58
- Name one. - Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton.

#59
- Awful. - How is she awful?

#60
- Hates freedom. - Uh...

#61
Okay, Dennis, you are gonna need a campaign manager. That's me.

#62
- So... - We should put that one to a vote.

#63
'Cause I'd be a good campaign manager.

#64
It's too late. I already have the clipboard. You can be my assistant.

#65
- Mmm. Assistant is... - Should I wear a blazer for this?

#66
- Yes. - No.

#67
I like what he said.

#68
Charlie? Campaign manager. You don't need a blazer.

#69
- A blazer's gonna look... - I like where he's goin'.

#70
- What am I gonna do? (sights) - You get to be the intern.

#71
- Yeah, the intern. - What does an intern do?

#72
- Cut limes. - Stock glasses.

#73
- Serve drinks. - No. No. Come on. Damn you!

#74
- I'm not doing that. - Hold it! Hold it!

#75
If my son is gonna solicit a bribe, he's gonna do it the right way.

#76
- I'm gonna be campaign manager. - Like hell you are.

#77
You are way too old. Politics is a young man's game.

#78
Mac, I think you might be in over your head here.

#79
- Over my head? - Yeah. Listen.

#80
Everybody who's in favor of firing Mac as campaign manager

#81
raise their hand.

#82
- For God sakes! - The people have spoken.You're out.

#83
So that's it? I'm fired? This is bullshit!

#84
- That's politics, man. - That's politics? That's politics?

#85
This is wonderful. This is just wonderful. You know what?

#86
I'm walkin' outta here. I don't need this shit.

#87
I'm washin' my hands of the whole situation. Show you, bitches.

#88
- Can I grab that clipboard? - No. That's mine.

#89
Dee, check out my blazer.

#90
- Yeah. It's too small. - Nah. It's perfect.

#91
- How's the bar? - Full of hoboes. A lot of hoboes.

#92
- Watch your ears. There you go. - Frank.

#93
Frank, I don't think this is the best idea for our candidate's image.

#94
This is a brilliant idea... "hobo-vertising".

#95
Come on. It looks good. Beer him.

#96
- We gotta fire Frank. - He's my dad. I don't know.

#97
But, Dennis. Dennis. Hobo-vertising?

#98
- That's not you. It's cheap. - Ooh.

#99
It's cheap politics. It's not gonna get us that bribe.

#100
I mean, you need to be out there.

#101
You gotta be shakin' hands. You gotta be kissin' babies.

#102
- I don't like babies. - No babies. Don't kiss babies.

#103
Just get out there into the world, and...

#104
You gotta let me be your campaign manager.

#105
I mean, I can really drive this thing in a different direction.

#106
I mean, when I look at you, I see success.

#107
I see... You're top-notch. You're Goin' all the way with this thing.

#108
- Oh. - Frank's just gettin' in the way.

#109
Give me this chance. Just give it to me.

#110
I didn't realize I was gonna have to make so many tough decisions.

#111
Take him down.

#112
This is a goddamn coup!

#113
Don't take it personally, Dad. That's just politics.

#114
You look like a dick in that tiny jacket.

#115
- Let's not attack my candidate. - Don't go after the jacket.

#116
- Shut up, Charlie. - The jacket's good.

#117
I can talk to my son any way I want.

#118
- Give him the clipboard. - No. No.

#119
- Clipboard belongs to the manager. - I want that clipboard.

#120
- Go to hell. - Oh, that was ugly.

#121
- That was uncalled for. - Mmm.

#122
Wow. That was, uh, a lot easier than I thought it was gonna be.

#123
- I can get a clipboard anywhere. - Yeah.

#124
- All right. - Don't do that.

#125
- I want you to run for comptroller. - What?

#126
I'm gonna be your campaign manager.

#127
We're gonna stroll right into that comptroller's office

#128
and solicit a bribe.

#129
- Forget it. I am not helping you. - Deandra, we'll get this bribe...

#130
and we'll shove it right in your brother's face.

#131
We'll screw those guys.

#132
I would like to shove it in his face.

#133
Okay.

#134
Okay. Now let's get you ready for the ball, Cinderella.

#135
- What are you doing? - The bangs, they... The five head.

#136
Let me get this straight. You want to try and solicit a bribe?

#137
Yes!

#138
You want my union to back your roommate

#139
for South Philly District 37 Comptroller?

#140
- Yes. Correct. - But not to win.

#141
- It sounds illegal. - Aw, for God sakes.

#142
What is with you two? Come on!

#143
Like, in the movies, union guys are, like, tough and shady and shit.

#144
- Sorry to disappoint you. - You're, like, a couple of nerds.

#145
All right, look. Let me take you bitches to school for a second.

#146
In this country, in the real world, people make money.

#147
Somebody is gonna make a ton of money off my roommate.

#148
- I want it to be you. - Let me make one thing clear.

#149
We are not a criminal organization.

#150
Why are you talking to me like I'm a jackass? I am not a ja...

#151
Oh. I see what you're doin'.

#152
(loudly) Okay. Nobody here is a criminal. No, sir.

#153
(whispers) I think we're speaking the same language.

#154
- Are we? - Oh, yeah.

#155
We're being listened to. Bugged. The feds. I get it.

#156
I read. I see movies. I understand. Okay.

#157
I want you to contact me at Paddy's.

#158
- I'm gonna get the ball rolling. - Mm-hmm.

#159
It's safe there.

#160
(loudly) Okay, gentlemen, sorry we couldn't work anything out.

#161
But, uh, I'm gonna go home and pay my taxes.

#162
Right?

#163
- You want me to call the cops? - Not yet.

#164
I've got a better idea. Let's screw this son of a bitch.

#165
Come on, Morris. We don't have time for this.

#166
He called us nerds, Gary.

#167
Nerds.

#168
Are you gonna take care of the crime problem here?

#169
Absolutely. I say we put 'em on busses, ship 'em over to Iraq

#170
make 'em fight the terrorists. - You're very handsome. (giggles)

#171
- Thank you. - This is going very well, man.

#172
- People are responding to me. - They love the bone structure.

#173
- They like the Kennedy hair. - I've been looking for you guys.

#174
I've been thinkin', and I feel like I could be a real asset to you guys.

#175
- I want to help. - What? Wait, wait.

#176
First you wash your hands of politics. Now you want back in.

#177
That's called flip-flopping. That's what Democrats do.

#178
Hang on a second. Let's give the guy a chance to prove himself.

#179
Yeah. Give me a chance. What should I do?

#180
"What should I do?" Strike one, buddy.

#181
You gotta bring something to the table, Mac.

#182
All right. Ah, check this out.

#183
Excuse me. Hi.

#184
I couldn't help but notice your adorable baby.

#185
- Oh, thank you.

#186
Yeah, I was wondering if you wouldn't mind

#187
f that handsome young gentleman over there kissed it.

#188
- Excuse me? - Oh. I'm sorry.

#189
He's running for District 37 Comptroller, so it's cool.

#190
- You know, I'd rather not. - It's good for him, and for you.

#191
- You should just give me the baby. (crying) - Please leave me alone.

#192
Okay, lady.

#193
If you give me the baby, I could get it over with.

#194
- I said no! - Goddamn it! Just give me the baby!

#195
- Somebody help me! - Lady! Give me the ba...

#196
- This is campaign suicide, dude. - Let's get outta here.

#197
There, there, there.

#198
There, there, there. Take a look.

#199
- Got it on? Sure? - Yeah. Take a look.

#200
- What do you think? - I think I look like a whore.

#201
- I'm trying to make you sexy. - This is not sexy.

#202
- What is this? What's this? - It's the bed look.

#203
The tossed look. The ruffled look.

#204
You look like you just... Anyway, we have to convince this guy...

#205
That we're a legitimate threat to his campaign.

#206
There is nothing more threatening to a man

#207
than a woman who is smart and attractive.

#208
- We have to pretend you're both. - Wow. You're a horrible father.

#209
- Let's just go. Let's get it done. - Great. Great.

#210
Now, Daddy hates to say this, but...

#211
I think we should talk about the breasts.

#212
"Oh, don't hurt my baby." Like I'm gonna hurt somebody's baby.

#213
You know what I mean? Goddamn Dennis. Fire me?

#214
- I'll fire you. - Mac. Get in.

#215
We got a bribe for your roommate's withdrawal from the race.

#216
Really? Wow. You nerds work fast. All right. How much did we get?

#217
We don't get any money until you pull your guy from the race.

#218
Oh.

#219
Okay, uh...

#220
That's not gonna be a problem, is it?

#221
- No. That's not gonna be a problem. - Better not be, Mac.

#222
Otherwise, Marvin here is gonna have to take care of you.

#223
Take care of me how?

#224
I'll probably stab you in your throat.

#225
Jesus Christ! Stab me in my throat?

#226
- Are you serious? - Pull your guy out, Mac.

#227
I'm gonna pull him out. I'm gonna pull him out, Marvin.

#228
Marvin, I'm gonna pull him out. Okay.

#229
Who's the nerd now, bitch? (chuckles)

#230
That was fun. I feel like a gangster.

#231
Shut up, Gary.

#232
I'm not dropping out.

#233
- Bro, you have to drop out. - Why?

#234
I didn't wanna say this before, but you don't have Kennedy hair.

#235
- All right! Oh, God! - You don't have thejawline.

#236
- How could you say that? - If I hear one more flip-flop...

#237
I'm gonna throw up in my mouth.

#238
- You ready to do this? - I'm just doing some fine-tuning.

#239
- It looks good. - Just trying to get my tan on.

#240
Let's hurry. The battery on this drains like a tub.

#241
What is going on in here? Are those beach towels?

#242
We're gonna shoot a commercial,

#243
getit on public access, get the message out.

#244
- It's a million-dollar bill pal. - Yeah. A million-dollar bill.

#245
You guys are never gonna get a bribe.

#246
- It's not about the bribe anymore. - We don't care about that.

#247
- I could be a real politician. - He's goin' to the top.

#248
- Really do some good in here. - Are you listening to yourself?

#249
You've never done any good for anybody ever!

#250
I do good! I do good!

#251
- You never do anything! Loser! - You're just jealous!

#252
- I'm not jealous! - All right! All right! That's...

#253
That's no way to run a campaign, boys.

#254
- Let's have the talk outside. - All right. We'll talk outside.

#255
- Yeah, we'll make you happy. - You're droppin' out of that race.

#256
- We'll work it out. - I'm droppin' out of shit.

#257
- We'll work it out. - We'll work it out. You and me...

#258
- Did you just lock this door? - Yes, I did.

#259
- You are going to hell, little man! - Mmm, I don't think so.

#260
- That's politics, bitch. - I hate you, Charlie!

#261
- You ready? - I'm ready.

#262
Get in front of the flag and the million-dollar bill.

#263
Dude, you and my dad share this futon?

#264
No.

#265
No, we... No, we got a whole different situation worked out.

#266
- What's the situation? - It's... I sleep on the... And...

#267
You got the script that I wrote? Grab the script.

#268
I've been meaning to speak to you about this.

#269
I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.

#270
- It's good. - I think you might be dyslexic.

#271
- No, no! Please. Read it. - I think you might be dyslexic.

#272
- Read the script. - You want me to read the script?

#273
- Yes. And action. - All right.

#274
I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello, fellow American.

#275
"This you should vote me. I leave power. Good.

#276
"Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I am hot."

#277
What?

#278
"Taxes. They'll be lower, son.

#279
"The democratic vote for me is right thing to do, Philadelphia.

#280
"So do." This doesn't make any sense.

#281
Well, then just say whatever you want.

#282
The battery's dead. It's gone. I gotta charge it up again.

#283
This one piece is makin'me nervous.

#284
- You need to stop touching me. - This right here.

#285
Please stop touching me. This is really ridiculous.

#286
I'm stuffed in here like a jerk.

#287
- Deandra, you look sensational. - No, I don't.

#288
Just remember. Let Daddy do all the talkin'. (door opens)

#289
Sorry I'm late. (chuckles)

#290
- Jack Stanford. - Frank Reynolds.

#291
- This here is my daughter, Deandra. - Hi.

#292
Hi. Well, I never like to keep a beautiful woman waiting.

#293
- Oh. Thanks. - You see, uh, Mr. Stanford...

#294
I myself am a problem solver

#295
and you got a big problem on your hands.

#296
- I'm afraid I'm not following. - Check out the goods to my right.

#297
This pretty little lady is not only my daughter.

#298
She happens to be your biggest opponent in the election.

#299
- Beauty and the beast. (laughs) - You're funny.

#300
Let the men do the work here, Dee.

#301
Now we can make this problem go away

#302
before it becomes a more expensive problem...

#303
f you catch my... drift.

#304
Are you trying to solicit a bribe from me?

#305
- I don't know. Am I? - 'Cause if you are...

#306
... not only is that illegal and highly unethical...

#307
... but you're doing it with the subtlety of a baboon.

#308
- Let me take another approach here. - I tell you what.

#309
Why don't we discuss this over dinner?

#310
Dinner. That sounds good.

#311
- I was talking to her. - Look, Jack,

#312
my little girl don't go nowhere without her old man.

#313
- Isn't that right, sweetie? - You're fired.

#314
Frank. Frankie, I gotta talk to you.

#315
- Not interested. - Look, I'm in a lot of shit here.

#316
- So? - I need to destroy Dennis.

#317
What do you have in mind?

#318
When Dennis Reynolds was a counselor at Camp Cumberland

#319
he was sent home for the statutory rape of a teenage camper.

#320
A vote for Dennis Reynolds is a vote for underage rape.

#321
Dennis Reynolds... baby rapist.

#322
Don't let him rape you, Philadelphia.

#323
- This is a goddamn smear campaign. - You raped a girl?

#324
No, no. Okay. Rape?

#325
I was accused of... Okay, statutory, first of all.

#326
Not... I kissed her. She was a year younger than me.

#327
That's not... even statutory or anything.

#328
What's the note say?

#329
All right. Yeah. All right.

#330
Uh, "Meet"...

#331
Starts out "Meet", and then there's, like, other stuff.

#332
"Meet me in the parking garage. Frank."

#333
- Yeah? - Yeah.

#334
You clearly have a learning disability, dude.

#335
- This is a trap. - It's not. Go see what he wants.

#336
- It's a trap. - It's not! Make this thing go away.

#337
Okay. I'll get the master.

#338
- Did you come alone? - Yeah.

#339
Where'd you get that trench coat?

#340
- It's cool, huh? - It's very cool. Was a smart buy.

#341
- All right, you got the tape? - Affirmative.

#342
Okay, what's this gonna take?

#343
You and Dennis gotta bow out of the race.

#344
- Not gonna happen. - Gotta happen.

#345
Not gonna happen. I want that tape.

#346
I'm gonna need you to beg.

#347
- Don't make me beg. - You gotta beg.

#348
- Seriously? - Seriously. Down. Down.

#349
All right. I know what you're talkin' about.

#350
- What do you say? - Please, can I have the tape now?

#351
- No. - God! What's this gonna take?

#352
What the hell is that?

#353
Charlie traded me his whole collection

#354
of Garbage Pail Kids for the tape.

#355
Oh, my God. This is bad. This is so bad, man.

#356
These things, Mac... You don't know how rare they are.

#357
These are rare. You can't find these.

#358
Bro, I am in some serious shit. I needed him to drop out.

#359
I don't care what you need. That is politics, bitch.

#360
I wanna tell you somethin'.

#361
- I'm really glad you asked me out. - Me too.

#362
- How's that drink comin'? - Strong.

#363
I should really probably think about gettin' something to eat.

#364
Yeah. Still got a little left there.

#365
Not for long.

#366
Hey, have mine.

#367
Oh. You're such a gentleman.

#368
Are you gonna buy me some food at some point? Or...

#369
What do you say we get outta here?

#370
- Oh. - Who's the slut?

#371
- Honey, this isn't what... - Another one of your whores?

#372
Who do you think you are... Bill Clinton? You're a comptroller.

#373
Did he tell you he had a wife?

#374
- Did he tell you that, you whore? - No.

#375
- Whoa! Whoa! All right. - You bitch!

#376
Hey! Pour me a shot there, buddy boy. I got it.

#377
- Oh, what'd you get? - I got the smear tape.

#378
- Oh, hey, man. That's great. - Yes!

#379
Whoa. Sweet Dee. What the hell's goin' on with you?

#380
Screw politicians. Charlie, pour me a shot.

#381
No time for that. We gotta get back out on that campaign trail.

#382
- What do you say? - I was thinking about that.

#383
- I don't wanna do that anymore. - What?

#384
Oh, yeah. I googled "comptroller".

#385
Turns out that this guy's really just a glorified accountant.

#386
And I hate doing math. It sounds like a ton of work.

#387
- Do you understand me? I hate work. - No.

#388
These guys, they make less than teachers. It's a...

#389
- So what? - So I'm not doing it anymore.

#390
- No. You have to run. - No, I don't.

#391
Yeah. Yeah, you do.

#392
- No, I don't. - Yeah, you do.

#393
No, I don't. You're not the boss of me.

#394
- I'm the campaign manager. - You're fired. (yells)

#395
I traded all my Garbage Pail Kids for you.

#396
Well, that was stupid.

#397
Bit of an overreaction, don't you think?

#398
You look like a whore.

#399
- Psst. You come alone? - Yeah.

#400
Why couldn't we just meet in your apartment?

#401
- It's not safe. - Is that Frank's trench coat?

#402
- Yeah. Pretty sweet, right? - Totally sweet.

#403
Listen. I need your help. I'm in a lot of shit.

#404
- I'm listening. - I need to make Dennis disappear.

#405
Ah! Ah! That's what I'm talkin' about.

#406
- Really? - I was thinkin' that same thing.

#407
- I know you guys have become close. - Not that close.

#408
How do you wanna do this thing?

#409
If we use a gun, we're gonna need a silencer.

#410
- A gun? - Fine. No guns. Piano wire.

#411
Maybe we can use some piano wire. Look, whatever it is...

#412
I gotta be the guy to pull the trigger on this thing.

#413
Retard. I'm talking about taking Dennis to Atlantic City

#414
for a couple of days until the election is over.

#415
What are you talkin' about?

#416
Atlantic City. That's good.

#417
Just take him down to the shore for a couple days.

#418
- I'll take him to Atlantic City. - What's wrong with you?

#419
I give the guy my blood, sweat and tears, right?

#420
And my Garbage Pail Kids. And...

#421
And he just drops right out of the race on me.

#422
- Dennis dropped out? - He dropped right out of the race.

#423
So I'm out my Garbage Pail Kid... And, like...

#424
If we used piano wire on him... As long as we hurt him a bit...

#425
Sorry, Charlie. Plan's off.

#426
- What are you doin'? - I'm gonna go collect my money.

#427
Looks like you bitches shouldn't have fired me in the first place.

#428
Are you kiddin' me? Are you kiddin' me with that?

#429
I'm gonna buy a car and drive as far away from this goddamn city...

#430
Hey, Mac. Where you runnin' to?

#431
Huh?

#432
Goin' to visit your friend over at the union?

#433
What's goin' on? Is there a problem?

#434
I don't know. Phil, is there a problem?

#435
Conspiracy to solicit a bribe. Racketeering.

#436
I'd say there's a big problem.

#437
Your buddy over at the union came to see us recently.

#438
Told us about your interest in politics.

#439
- He ratted you out, Mac. - Apparently, you called him a nerd.

#440
Some people don't take kindly to that type of insult.

#441
Yeah. You're goin' away for a long time

#442
and prison can be a very unpleasant place

#443
for a good-lookin' young man like yourself.

#444
Oh, yeah. They're gonna tear through you like Kleenex.

#445
That is, of course,

#446
unless you got something to make it worth our while.

#447
Are you soliciting a bribe from me?

#448
Sorry, pal. That's politics.

#449
(both laughing)

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