Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E09 — Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 9 — Charlie Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass

#1
MAC: Well, then what would you say? DENNIS: She's a quitter.

#2
DEE: You know what? I don't even care!

#3
And that proves my point. Because you don't care, you never succeed.

#4
Right. Failed.

#5
Failure implies that she actually tried to be an actor.

#6
Okay, I did try. It just didn't happen to work out.

#7
It's not your fault, sweetie. You're just not pretty enough.

#8
Oh, thank you! That's my dad, everybody! Great!

#9
I killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.

#10
- Good work. - No, no, that's not good.

#11
I am done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar!

#12
- That's why we call "Charlie work." - No, dude. Not Charlie work.

#13
There's an emotional toll that comes out of this. You kill one of...

#14
- Are you kidding me? - What? What?

#15
You're blowing smoke directly in my face when I'm trying to talk to you.

#16
What is he talking about?

#17
If you want to smoke, you should have to take it outside.

#18
- That's it. I'm done with this. - It's a bar.

#19
- Yeah. It's a bar, dude. - Charlie, I think you're right.

#20
- We should ban smoking in here. - What are you talking about?

#21
- That's completely ridiculous. - How is that ridiculous?

#22
There are smoking bans in a lot of states now.

#23
Uh, yes. And it's completely un-American.

#24
If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.

#25
I work in this bar. I work here.

#26
But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here.

#27
Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom.

#28
- They strip 'em away from smokers. - Look, I didn't go to Vietnam

#29
just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.

#30
You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!

#31
And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop!

#32
- God! You're out of your mind. - Look, look.

#33
The point is that if Charlie took any time to study in school

#34
he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom

#35
to blow smoke all over his face. - You gotta be...

#36
You don't know shit about the Constitution, man.

#37
He knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.

#38
- Thank you. - Charlie, we hate freedom. Hate it.

#39
- Hate it. - I'm un-American?

#40
You're practically a Vietcong.

#41
Oh, is that right? Okay, you wanna talk America?

#42
You wanna learn something about America?

#43
- Dee, let's roll out of here. - Where are we going?

#44
We're gonna go America all over their asses!

#45
MAN (over megaphone): It is time for the truth!

#46
Five million people will die this year of smoking-related illnesses!

#47
These body bags, these represent the number of people...

#48
that will die in this city alone today!

#49
It doesn't have to be this way! Let's make smoking history!

#50
(applause) Yeah!

#51
Yeah!

#52
- Yeah! Yeah, man! - Yeah.

#53
U.S.A., baby! Whoo!

#54
- That's what America's all about! - Yeah.

#55
- Right here! This is the U.S. A! - Oh, my God!

#56
That guy really knew how to pull an audience.

#57
I tell you what. Let's get in on this.

#58
- Hey, bro. Great job out there. - Oh, thanks.

#59
You really... You had me like hook, line and sinker with that...

#60
It was awesome, dude. It was awesome. I want in on the cause.

#61
Oh, okay. Just go to the Web site and you can check out...

#62
I don't want to do that. I wanna be on the front lines like you, bro.

#63
- To join the team or something. - Naw, it's really complicated.

#64
There's a lot of red tape. You really can't...

#65
Uh, excuse me, sir.

#66
But just what in the hell do you think you're doing?

#67
Oh, dude. This is just an acting gig.

#68
Like, I'm not really part of any cause.

#69
- Oh, you're an actor? - Mm-hmm.

#70
- Oh. But not a real one? - What is that supposed to mean?

#71
No, just... I mean, you're on the sidewalk.

#72
Right. You know what you're talking about. How old are you? Like, 40?

#73
I live in New York, okay?

#74
Street theater is the only organized artistic expression that we have...

#75
What a crock of shit, man! You're living a lie, bro!

#76
- Dude, relax. - Oh, relax? Oh, I'm gonna...

#77
Gonna throw with me? Little actor boy, wanna throw with a patriot?

#78
- Back off! Back off! - I'm not 40.

#79
- I don't need this. - Get in your van and go, okay?

#80
'Cause I'll throw down! I'll throw down any day of the week!

#81
Get in your little van and drive out of my face! Okay?

#82
Before I go America all over your ass!

#83
You know what? Screw Dee and Charlie.

#84
I'm sick of people telling us what we can and can't do

#85
with our own bar, you know? What happened to this country?

#86
Why can't we stay open past 2:00 a. M?

#87
Yes! And why can't we sell booze before noon on Sunday?

#88
These puritanical restrictions are killing this country.

#89
This is why people flock to places like Las Vegas

#90
and New Orleans and spring break.

#91
Because they're free to go wild. The girls go wild.

#92
The girls in Philly need a place to go wild.

#93
Right. New Orleans was washed away in that terrible storm.

#94
We need to open up Paddy's as a haven for freedom.

#95
A replacement for the tragic loss of New Orleans.

#96
- We should have gambling too. - And we should have gambling too.

#97
- Sure. - I'm gonna get the ball rolling.

#98
Okay, great.

#99
We will open up Paddy's as the most American bar in all of America!

#100
- A place with absolute freedom! - With no gambling restrictions.

#101
Sure, whatever. Listen. We should head down to sorority houses, right?

#102
Spread the word, you know? Hand out some leaflets or something.

#103
- We should go to the library. - The library? Why?

#104
'Cause at sorority houses you're only gonna find tramps and whores.

#105
- Those girls are already wild. - Perfect!

#106
No, no. Mac, you're not listening to me.

#107
We don't want wild girls.

#108
We want real girls going wild.

#109
It's important to see the transition.

#110
You want to watch the process.

#111
Dee, what the hell is the point of this stretching?

#112
Charlie, if we're gonna put on our own demonstration...

#113
then your body needs to be in tip-top shape out there.

#114
My body is in tip-top shape.

#115
Maybe for a small, fat person, but not for an actor.

#116
- Fat person? - A chunky... chunky...

#117
- Chunky? Where're you getting that? - A husky person.

#118
Since when? Oh!

#119
- Really? - All right, forget it.

#120
- I'm not an actor anyway. - I know.

#121
Yeah. Well, then I'm a protestor, right? I'm a patriot. Give me that.

#122
- Okay. - That's my bag.

#123
What I need from you is for you to feed me some lines.

#124
- I can feed you lines. - And then I'll go from there.

#125
- I just don't need all the... - I can take over.

#126
- What do you want me to do? - Focus on finding your breath.

#127
- What? - Where is your breath?

#128
- In my mouth? - No, it starts in your chest.

#129
- Got to focus on your diaphragm. - What the hell's a diaphragm?

#130
- Here. Putting your diaphragm... - No. The diaphragm is a...

#131
- No. Really? That's all you know? - It blocks the babies out.

#132
Okay, yeah. That's what... How'd you make it this far in life?

#133
This is ridiculous. Let's just get out there. Let's speak the truth.

#134
Let's kick a little ass America style. We'll get all up in it!

#135
I'm trying to protect you. I don't want you freezing up outt here.

#136
- What? Freezing up? - Yeah.

#137
All those people staring at you and judging you...

#138
and-and-and-and not liking the stuff and talking about you.

#139
- Are you serious? - Yes. Your body could betray you...

#140
... in any number of ways... - Like how?

#141
You know, one of... Locking up and maybe throwing up and stuff.

#142
- Really? - You want to find your breath?

#143
- Yeah. - Yeah.

#144
It's in my mouth.

#145
TOGETHER: One, two, three!

#146
- Hey! - Oh, my God!

#147
- You girls have gone wild! - You went wild!

#148
- You're wild! Way to go! - You girls went wild!

#149
Nice. This is what it was like to have a bar in New Orleans, bro.

#150
Oh, man! New Orleans really had their shit figured out!

#151
They totally had their shit figured out.

#152
- Except for the levees. - Right. Except for the levees.

#153
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and the evacuation plan.

#154
- Hey, oh! - Oh! You've gone wild!

#155
- You've gone wild! - You've gone wild! You went wild!

#156
- This is what America's all about! - This is America!

#157
- We have set up an American utopia! - Yeah!

#158
That could be a bit of a problem back there though.

#159
(indistinct chatter)

#160
MAC: Yeah, that could get weird. - Yeah, it's really smoky.

#161
I didn't want to say it because of the spirit of this whole thing.

#162
But I think you're right. It's a little much.

#163
These fellows don't mess around.

#164
This is high-stakes shit. Think you can get one of these white broads

#165
to come over and do a table dance for Alan and the boys?

#166
No table dances, okay? That's what we were worried about.

#167
If you can keep those guys as far jammed into that corner as possible.

#168
- Push 'em into the corner. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Segregation!

#169
That's segregation! That's not what this is all about.

#170
America is a melting pot.

#171
It might be good to set up some boundaries.

#172
Boundaries?

#173
Sounds like it's coming right out of Stalin's mouth.

#174
Stalin's mouth? That is not what we'retalking about.

#175
I don't know who Stalin is. Who the hell is Stalin?

#176
- How do you not know? - Just keep them under control.

#177
You betcha. Oh, here.

#178
They want you to play this Vietnamese music.

#179
They don't like what's playing here.

#180
Okay, listen. Compromise. Tonight we keep things the way they are.

#181
Tomorrow night, we'll play this shit.

#182
Good. I gotta get back there now because Alan

#183
s just about to bet his wife's glass eye in the next hand.

#184
Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to speak the truth.

#185
We're not gonna spout a bunch of words that are facts,

#186
like some big jerk from New York who thinks he's great.

#187
We're gonna show you a dramatic interpretation. (clears throat)

#188
Hello, young man. I'm a bigwig from Big Tobacco.

#189
I work over here at T.J. Boris. Can I offer you a cigarette?

#190
(retches)

#191
Goddamn it, Charlie!

#192
(Vietnamese music playing) (chattering)

#193
Let's try and look at the bright side here.

#194
This music sounds like whales raping each other.

#195
It does. It does indeed. But the T-shirts are working.

#196
Isn't that amazing?

#197
You ask to see a woman's breasts on the street, you get slapped.

#198
You give her a free T-shirt and videotape it,

#199
and the clothes come right off. - I love this country. Hey, yo!

#200
- Hey, sweetie. You want a T-shirt? - Okay.

#201
BOTH: All right.

#202
- What? Why'd you stop? - What's wrong?

#203
- What's wrong? - What happened?

#204
- Whoa! Come on, pal! - Dude.

#205
- What are you doing? - You're blowing up our spot!

#206
- You're just standing there? - Take a walk!

#207
- It's time we set up some rules. - We can't do that. No rules.

#208
Your father is killing our freedom!

#209
- I know! I know! - Hey, you still want that T-shirt?

#210
- Yeah. - Yeah? All right.

#211
- Okay, any time you're ready. - Okay.

#212
- Oh, what? What's wrong now? - Ruined again!

#213
- Whoa! Jesus! - Hey, man.

#214
- I thought you guys were in jail. - Parole.

#215
We heard you guys have a, uh, "anything goes" type situation here.

#216
Can we get a couple glasses of milk?

#217
- What? No. You can't have milk. - No. You can't have milk.

#218
- Come on, man. - You know what? Get out of here.

#219
Could you guys go over there for a second? We gotta talk for a second.

#220
- What are we gonna do? - I did not see this coming.

#221
We cannot have the McPoyle brothers in here creeping everybody out.

#222
What if Charlie comes in here? He sent them to jail.

#223
- They may be planning to stab him. - They bang each other, Dennis.

#224
And they bang each other. They bang each other's...

#225
All right, let's set up a couple rules. We'll set up a couple rules.

#226
Okay, guys, you can stay. But none of your weird shit.

#227
I don't follow.

#228
All right, listen. We've heard some things about you two.

#229
I'm not gonna get into the specifics.

#230
We just don't want it in the bar, okay?

#231
It's a free country, bitch.

#232
We may have a problem on our hands, dude.

#233
Do we have any sharp knives?

#234
- What? - These guys are maniacs.

#235
They wanna start bettin' fingers.

#236
- Fingers? - What are you talking about?

#237
If Alan loses this hand, he's gonna start chopping off his fingers.

#238
- I've never seen anything like it! - This has gone way too far!

#239
This is getting ridiculous. Your friends, they gotta go!

#240
- Bullshit! - You are killing our freedom, man!

#241
This is what freedom's all about. I'm living on the edge.

#242
Okay, we're gonna find a compromise here, all right?

#243
Uh, we'll take the bar and you can have the basement!

#244
- Yes! - Want to put me in the basement?

#245
- You can do whatever you want! - Anything goes in the basement!

#246
- If I go, I can do anything I want? - Anything you want!

#247
- No holds barred? No limits? - No limits!

#248
- None. - Right. I'll take the basement.

#249
- Great. - And now, if you don't mind,

#250
I'll take those knives. - All right. Get the knives.

#251
Yeah. And use 'em.

#252
- What the hell happened in here? - Looks like "Jonestown".

#253
- Oh, look who it is! - Come to join the party, huh?

#254
- No. We came back to work. - Oh, have you?

#255
- I guess the strike's over, Mac. - The workers have returned.

#256
Uh, I wasn't on strike, okay? I still need to make a living.

#257
What been going on in here? And where is that music coming from?

#258
From the basement. Frank and the boys have been rocking all night.

#259
- Doing what? - Have no idea. But I bet it's fun.

#260
We've had a line of 50 people outside every night.

#261
Yep. See, our bar is about fun and freedom.

#262
I don't know if you guys have ever heard of that. Freedom?

#263
Stick around, bitches. You might learn something

#264
about the good old U.S. Of "A".

#265
Hey, Charles.

#266
- Holy shit! - How's it hanging?

#267
What? No! What? No! What are these guys doing here?

#268
- Charlie, settle. - Yeah, man. Chillax. We're cool.

#269
Bump it.

#270
I'm not gonna bump your... Please go.

#271
Please walk away. Please walk away from me.

#272
Walk away.

#273
- How could you do this to me? - We don't want them in here either.

#274
But freedom has a price.

#275
The McPoyles are probably gonna stab me.

#276
If freedom has its price... I can't believe you guys! You know what?

#277
Let me kick down a thing to you

#278
that our founding fathers kicked down to me. "Don't tread on me".

#279
And right now you guys are treading all over me!

#280
- Dee, let's roll. - I don't want to go with you.

#281
- What? - Mm-mmm.

#282
- You're my actor. I need you. - But you're so bad at protesting.

#283
- Come on, Dee. You're my actor. - I don't want to go.

#284
- Now you're treading on me! - I'm not treading on you.

#285
Yeah, you are. You're treading on me. And you're not supposed to!

#286
- I don't want to go. - Is everyone gonna tread on me?

#287
Oh, my God. Okay. Okay.

#288
#I'm gonna rise up I'm gonna kick a little ass

#289
#Gonna kick some ass In the USA

#290
#Gonna climb a mountain Gonna sew a flag

#291
#Gonna fly on an eagle

#292
#I'm gonna kick some butt I'm gonna drive a big truck

#293
#I'm gonna rule this world I'm gonna kick some ass

#294
#I'm gonna rise up I'm gonna kick a little ass

#295
#Rock, flag and eagle#

#296
(door opens, closes) So you're still trying to be an actor then?

#297
- Shut your mouth, Dennis. - So now I can call her a failure.

#298
- I am not a failure. - What is it that you call it

#299
when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?

#300
- That would, in fact, be a failure. - Dee's a failure.

#301
Okay. You want to see some acting? You want to see some acting?

#302
Guess what. I am gonna act the shit out of somebody's ass.

#303
So here's the thing, Artemis. I know last time we saw each other

#304
things got kind of awkward when you licked my brother's face.

#305
But I need some help from an actor

#306
'cause I've been doing this gig with my friend Charlie,

#307
and he is really bringing me down.

#308
- Oh. Not everyone has the gift. - Hmm.

#309
Want to smoke some hash?

#310
No. Thank you. So can you help me here?

#311
- What's the venue? - The sidewalk.

#312
- I don't do sidewalks. - Okay. See, that's what I thought.

#313
But then I realized if you think about it street performing,

#314
t's the last true form of organic artistic expression.

#315
- Is that so? - Yes.

#316
I think you and I need to get out there.

#317
We need to prove to the world that we still got it.

#318
Sweet, Sweet Dee...

#319
... it's not something you can lose, okay?

#320
Right. So let's go show the world.

#321
Is there any nudity involved?

#322
- No. - Can there be?

#323
No.

#324
I'll do it anyway.

#325
(indistinct chatter)

#326
I don't understand this.

#327
McPoyles. McPoyles everywhere, dude.

#328
Girls don't want to go wild in this environment, not even for T-shirts!

#329
Hey, man. My sister wants to ask you something.

#330
- What? - She's mute, dude.

#331
Mute? Okay, what?

#332
She wants to show you her boobies.

#333
- What? No! No! No! - No. No.

#334
Trust me. They're top-notch.

#335
- Goddamn it! Goddamn it! - That is disgusting!

#336
- What is wrong with you people? - That's your sister!

#337
Hey, man. There's nothing wrong with us. We're just expressing ourselves.

#338
Society has the problem.

#339
Where do you keep your Pledge?

#340
- Get out of here. - Get the hell out of here.

#341
- Go with your brother and sister. - Take a walk.

#342
Dee, thank you so much for this acting opportunity.

#343
I can tell it is going to be a glorious performance.

#344
Those guys are full of shit, Artemis. There's not 50 people here.

#345
- Focus, Dee, focus! - That's the reason why we're here.

#346
Those guys said there would be a big crowd.

#347
- We'll draw them in. - All right.

#348
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please gather around.

#349
You're about to see an original street performance.

#350
Take yourselves to the foggy streets of London.

#351
The year is 1888.

#352
There's a killer on the loose. His name, Jack the Ripper.

#353
Two women walking alone home from a holiday cotillion.

#354
(clears throat) - I say... - Get out of here! Get out of here!

#355
If you come to this bar, you're gonna get cancer and die!

#356
- What are you doing? - We're protesting the bar!

#357
Attica! Attica!

#358
Attica, man! Attica, man!

#359
- Attica, man! Attica! - What are you doing?

#360
- Whoa! Man! What are you doing? - Tying off.

#361
No! No! No! Go tie off somewhere else!

#362
- Thought we could do what we want. - Give me the hose.

#363
Give me the little rubber hose. Whoa, he's got a knife!

#364
Okay, great. He's got a knife. Of course he does! Why not?

#365
You know what? Keep the little rubber hose! Good luck with that.

#366
Good life decision, man.

#367
Mac, I think we gave people too much freedom.

#368
Yeah, you're right, man. I'll call the cops.

#369
No, no, no, no, no. We can't call the cops. That's admitting failure.

#370
Dennis, we gave people too much freedom. That's the problem!

#371
- All they do is exploit it! - It's becomes anarchy.

#372
That is not what America is all about. America is... Oh, my God!

#373
Yeah.

#374
Come on, Dee! Don't quit! Come on. We just rocked out there, Dee!

#375
- Oh, we did? Yeah, we did. - Don't be a quitter. Okay?

#376
I don't care. I don't want to act anymore. I quit. I want to drink.

#377
That's what I would like to do for the rest of my life. Leave me alone.

#378
Can you imagine an America where everyone just gives up?

#379
- I don't care. - Okay, great. Let's just give up!

#380
- All right, Charlie. - Hi. How you doing?

#381
Have you come to gloat and shove it in my face?

#382
No, it's okay. You can. You know why?

#383
I give up. I'm living in give-up America now.

#384
- Will you shut up? - Look! I'm gonna be a smoker too.

#385
- You don't have to smoke, Charlie. - No, we can. You know why?

#386
'Cause we give up. We live in give-up America.

#387
We're living in America... Hey, Ryan. How are you doing?

#388
Look, man, I'm sorry to interrupt you, ut if you're not too busy

#389
showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me,

#390
you mind lighting my cigarette?

#391
Thanks, bro. Hey, Liam. I'm sorry I sent you to jail, man.

#392
But any time you wanna stab me, it'd be really great for me.

#393
- That's what you get, Charlie! - Get the hell out of here!

#394
- You get fork stabbed! BOTH: Get out!

#395
- Fork stabbed! - Get out!

#396
And don't try to mess with us 'cause now we're even!

#397
- Get out of here! - Nobody messes with the McPoyles!

#398
Oh, you had to make a scene, Charlie!

#399
You had to run your mouth in front of psychopaths, didn't you?

#400
- I just got stabbed with a fork! - Whose fault is, Captain America?

#401
- Way to go! - It's Dee's fault

#402
for quitting on me. DENNIS: Oh, it's Dee's fault!

#403
How is it... Maybe it's your fault for being horrible at everything!

#404
Here we go with this again.

#405
Everybody pass the buck, the blame!

#406
Dennis, we have to admit, it's over. It's done.

#407
We gotta get all of these assholes out of here right now.

#408
Dee, you get everybody out of the bar.

#409
Charlie, you're a disappointment.

#410
Come on. Let's go get everybody out of the basement.

#411
God only knows what's going on down there. (sighs)

#412
(men shouting)

#413
(shouting in Vietnamese)

#414
(gun chamber spinning)

#415
(speaking Vietnamese)

#416
(cocks gun)

#417
(gunshot)

#418
(body thuds)

#419
(men shouting) (sighs)

#420
I'll call the cops.

#421
Frank!

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