Home » Scrubs » S01E04 — My Old Lady

Scrubs

Season 1, Episode 4 — My Old Lady

#1
- Just let it go? - No.

#2
A simple question. Why wouldn't I wanna go to the symphony?

#3
- I didn't mean anything by it. - Of course you meant something.

#4
- We've got to do something. - No, we really don't.

#5
Carla's your girlfriend, Elliot's my friend...

#6
Dude, trust me. Don't get involved.

#7
She's from el barrio, she must not like music.

#8
Classical music isn't for everyone.

#9
[Carla] I didn't grow up with a nanny and Vera Wang diapers...

#10
[sighs]

#11
You got something to say?

#12
Well, yes. I think you're being condescending,

#13
and you're being overly sensitive.

#14
[both speak at once]

#15
Excuse me for a second, just one second.

#16
[machine squeaks]

#17
[tape rewinds]

#18
She's from el barrio, she won't like music.

#19
Classical music isn't for everyone.

#20
[Carla] I didn't grow up with a nanny and Vera Wang diapers...

#21
[sighs]

#22
You got something to say?

#23
[J.D.] Nope. Not this time.

#24
Well, yes. I think you're being condescending,

#25
and you're being overly sensitive.

#26
[both speak at once]

#27
Damn it!

#30
♪ I'm no Superman ♪

#35
or the emergency room,

#38
that's admitted to this place

#39
will die here.

#40
[all] Hi, I'm gonna be your doctor.

#41
Yoo-hoo, I'm the doctor.

#42
I'm... I'm the doctor.

#43
- What are you, 16? - This is unacceptable.

#44
Did you have coupons for this hospital, Mom?

#45
That's enough!

#46
Sure, he's young but he's probably a very good doctor.

#47
- Are you a good doctor? - Kinda too soon to tell.

#48
Honesty, I like that.

#49
You probably want these people to wait outside.

#50
That'd be nice.

#51
Make 'em know you're a man, not a boy.

#52
Uh, would you guys mind...

#53
I'm fine where I am, thank you.

#54
Make me.

#55
Do it.

#56
Everybody outta here, now!

#57
- [woman] Don't wake the dead. - [man] Jeez, snippy.

#58
- Now! - That was manly.

#59
That's what I'm talking about.

#60
- Want a hard candy? - Yes, please.

#61
[TV in background]

#62
I'd say this is a simple laparoscopic hernia repair.

#63
This is embarrassing, you guys are wearing the same outfit.

#64
Don't sweat it. I'm not wearing pants.

#65
[patient] Come on, that was funny.

#66
Great. Moving on.

#67
Where you going? ESPN Classic's showing

#68
the '82 NFC championship. It's the Catch!

#69
We could have some nurses over.

#70
I called down and requested a Spanish-speaking nurse.

#71
So, no English, huh?

#72
I'm a chunky monkey from funky town.

#73
I'm gonna have a little trouble translating that.

#74
Oh, good. It's you.

#76
I admitted this really neat old lady today.

#77
Neat?

#78
Dude, the 1930s called and they want their lingo back.

#79
We had, like, this connection, you know?

#80
No, I don't know. Now please, let me get my sweat on.

#84
I feel like you're missing out. This Ms. Tanner,

#85
she's got this incredible energy and warmth.

#86
Dude, the League of Women Voters called.

#87
They want to know where to send your membership info.

#88
You use that "somebody called" joke a lot.

#89
I know, I can't help it.

#90
I got a hernia patient to take care of.

#91
- What's his name? - His name's Hernia Patient.

#92
But we've gotten close so I call him Hernia.

#93
He must feel so safe and taken care of.

#94
Shut up.

#95
I paged Dr. Cox and he should be here any second.

#96
[translates into Spanish]

#97
[speaks Spanish]

#98
What did she say?

#99
She says it's amazing your fancy school didn't teach you Spanish,

#100
considering a third of patients speak it as a primary language.

#101
Like every doctor here speaks Spanish!

#102
[speaks Spanish]

#103
[Spanish]

#104
What now, Dr. Barbie?

#105
Mrs. Guerrero is a lupus patient with shortage of breath

#106
so I started her on a heparin drip and ordered a VQ scan.

#107
- I wanted to run that by you. - One.

#108
Two.

#109
- Three. - So, shall I...

#110
It's really important you let me get to ten.

#111
- Why... - Listen, Cookie.

#112
You've been here over a month.

#113
This is Medicine 101.

#114
I don't want every little thing run by me.

#115
I don't wanna give my two cents but if you do want my opinion,

#116
rest assured it will always be that you're an incredible pain

#117
and every time I see your Kewpie-Doll face

#118
it just makes me want to pick you up and shake you

#119
until all the hours of my life that you've wasted

#120
fall out.

#121
- Now laugh. - What?

#122
Laugh so that she doesn't think I'm yelling at you.

#123
How fun was that?

#124
- Just initial. - Ah.

#125
Dr. Kelso.

#126
Hi, could I have your opinion on a patient?

#127
- Mm. - She's uh...

#128
...a 74-year-old renal failure, Mrs. Tanner.

#129
Oh, of course. One of our frequent flyers.

#130
- She's a neat lady. - That's what I said.

#131
Nobody likes a brown nose, son. Let me see that chart.

#132
[silently]

#133
Why?

#134
- You put her on diuretics? - Yeah, I ordered them.

#135
These labs don't look good,

#136
it's time she got started on dialysis.

#137
You know what you should do first, kiddo?

#138
- What's that? - Find her.

#139
[dogs bark, siren wails]

#140
Freedom!

#141
"Went to the park." She...

#142
She went to the park.

#143
[crowd roars on TV]

#144
It's the Catch. The Catch? I say "Catch", no response.

#145
How can no one here know what the Catch is?

#146
Niners-Cowboys. Joe Montana to Dwight Clark,

#147
deep in the end zone, zero time left. Kid, please.

#148
Don't insult me.

#149
Come on, man. It's the fourth quarter. Got a minute?

#151
- Sure. - Cool.

#152
- David, right? - Yeah.

#153
- I'm Turk. - What's up?

#154
- Want some IV? - No, I'm good.

#155
- You sure? - Mmm.

#156
- Mrs. Tanner. - Here's the party.

#157
I don't know how it's been with other doctors,

#158
but under my care, you stay in the hospital until I say it's okay to leave.

#159
We saved you a plate.

#160
I don't care about food right now.

#162
It's Samantha's fifth birthday. You're not gonna make me miss this?

#163
Couldn't you have got her a big cake?

#164
[machine beeps]

#165
I'm gonna order an ABG just to be safe.

#166
- Don't you think? - That's probably a good idea.

#167
Teach me to tell her she's doing fine.

#168
Um... okay.

#169
Say...

#170
Está progresando muy bien.

#171
Mrs. Guerrero?

#172
Está progresando muy bien.

#173
Ay, gracias!

#174
It worked!

#175
Listen, the important thing to remember

#176
is this is not going to hurt as much as you think.

#177
I'm ready.

#178
Yo!

#179
Okay, you know what, Mrs. Tanner...

#180
Just until Samantha blows out her candles.

#181
What are you gonna wish for, honey?

#182
- A bike? - Nope.

#183
- A doll house? - Nope.

#184
How about the ability to make quick decisions?

#185
- Nope. - How about this?

#186
[guests gasp]

#187
- Uh, a pony? - No!

#188
Okay, enough. I don't think you realize how serious this is.

#189
Right now, we need to be worried about your mother.

#190
Your grandmother, your...

#191
I'm sorry, we haven't met. I'm Dr. Dorian.

#192
- You're very cute. - Thank you. Come on, let's go.

#193
- Candles are still lit. - Okay.

#194
Here we go. Blow!

#195
Increase the heparin to 1,500 units per hour.

#196
Does that sound like enough?

#197
Should be.

#198
Speaking of heparin, have you slept with Turk yet?

#199
- What?! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

#200
Too personal.

#201
I like to wait. I like a guy to want it so bad

#202
he basically thinks he isn't gonna get it ever.

#203
When he's lost the will to live, I jump him.

#204
- So how long does that take? - A month, maybe two.

#205
What about you?

#206
I like to use sex as an ice-breaker.

#207
And how's that working out for you?

#208
I guess I don't have what you would call high self-esteem.

#209
[Dr. Wen] Let me know when you find the hernia.

#210
[Turk] You got it.

#211
- We're so lost. - We are not lost.

#212
- Go left here. - It's a right.

#213
You passed his Cooper's ligament three times.

#214
- Stop and ask for directions. - You wanna drive this thing?

#215
'Cause I will pull over and let you drive this thing.

#216
Wait a second.

#217
Go back to where you just were.

#218
What is that?

#219
[machine beeps]

#220
Hey, her O-sat's in the 80s.

#221
And take a look at her heart rate.

#222
Shoot!

#223
So that's basically it.

#224
Your kidneys aren't responding to medication any more.

#225
I'm afraid we're gonna have to start you on dialysis.

#226
I'm not a big fan of dialysis.

#227
Yeah, unfortunately, we don't really have a choice.

#228
Actually, I do have a choice.

#230
I think I'm ready to die.

#231
I've got a ton of bricks for Dr. Dorian.

#232
Can I get that pen back?

#233
You're gonna have to shut your mouth at some point.

#234
Sweetie, I'm 74 years old. I'm ready to go.

#235
With dialysis you could live another 80 or 90 years.

#236
I think you're being a little irrational.

#237
- No, I'm not. - Everybody dies sometime.

#238
No, they don't.

#239
Sir, we're really lucky we found the lymphoma when we did.

#240
Of course. I'll wait till you get here before I tell David.

#241
See you soon.

#242
I hope you're not using that phone to make a personal call.

#243
No, actually. That was David Morrison's father.

#244
He's a patient of mine. Dave's a good kid.

#245
He sounds terrific. You two are becoming best pals, huh?

#246
What we should do is the three of us play a game of stick ball.

#247
- Sir? - All we need is a stick, a ball

#248
and a pocket full of dreams.

#249
Or we could take turns bowling your patient

#250
down the hallways of my hospital.

#251
- Listen, sir, I can explain. - Spare me.

#252
Spare you. That's good, sir, 'cause of the bowling thing.

#253
- You're not making a joke. - Not at the moment.

#254
I just think he's a good kid and he needed a friend.

#255
Young man, your patients don't need friends,

#256
they need a doctor.

#257
Her BP's dropping. Maybe it's time to push thrombolytics.

#258
If you were her doctor, what would you do?

#259
That's way out of my league.

#260
I don't know about waiting. She seems to be decompensating

#261
but thrombolytics scare me.

#262
A lot of times the patient bleeds out.

#263
She needs to know what's going on.

#264
Uh, I'll be right back.

#265
[Cox] She doesn't want dialysis?

#266
- [J.D.] What does that mean? - If she declines dialysis,

#267
there is no ethical dilemma.

#268
But what about our duty to do everything in our power...

#269
[pretends to cry] "What about our duty as doctors...?"

#270
Look, this has nothing to do with the patient.

#271
This is all about you. You are afraid of death.

#272
And you can't be. You're in medicine,

#273
you gotta accept that everything we do here, everything,

#274
is a stall.

#275
We're just trying to keep the game going, that's it.

#276
But, ultimately, it always ends up the same way.

#277
- I win. - Where? I don't see.

#278
Here, diagonally.

#279
Pretty sneaky, Death.

#280
Hope I helped.

#281
That Dr. Kelso really came down on you, huh?

#282
Yeah, but he's got a point. This is a hospital.

#283
It's not a playground.

#284
Well, if it isn't the medulla oblongata.

#285
That's about 50 points there, wouldn't you say?

#286
I won. I'll just take your fruit cup and be on my way.

#287
I talked to my Dad today.

#288
- He's coming out. - Cool.

#289
And that nurse came by to shave me again.

#290
- I didn't tell her to do that. - You didn't?

#291
No. I think she's got a crush on you.

#292
Come on, dude, what's going on?

#293
Okay, uh, here's the deal.

#294
She's telling her family.

#296
[floor polisher hums]

#297
[revs engine]

#298
- You didn't tell them, did you? - It didn't come up.

#299
Look, they don't need that burden.

#300
Besides, they'd give me a bunch of reasons to change my mind.

#301
Speaking of which, I took the liberty of jotting down

#302
a few things I think everybody should do

#303
at least once in their life.

#304
Okay, Number One: eat a sausage and pepper hoagie from Enrico's.

#305
Of course I've done that.

#306
Number Two:

#307
go to Asia.

#308
[speaks Japanese]

#309
I'll take that as a yes.

#310
And I'll also check off "learn a foreign language".

#311
What the hell happened to "I'll be right back"?

#312
I can't believe I started to think I'd been wrong about you.

#313
That woman needs her doctor to tell her something - anything - and you run away?

#314
Are you even gonna look at me?

#315
Um, I've been trying to decide what drink to get.

#316
Standing here trying to choose between cherry soda

#317
and, uh, ginger ale, and you know what?

#318
It's a toss-up. Either way I get a cold drink.

#319
It would be almost impossible for me to kill someone with this decision but...

#320
I still can't make it.

#321
I think I'm in trouble here.

#322
Look...

#323
I don't think these kinds of decisions are easy for anyone.

#324
If it's any consolation, one of the reasons I never liked you

#325
is you're already better than most of the doctors that come here.

#326
To be honest, I kinda liked being the only smart, strong chick in the joint.

#327
You sort of just complimented me.

#328
A little bit.

#329
Okay, I'm gonna have a ginger ale.

#330
Good start.

#331
That clot isn't going anywhere on its own,

#332
so let's push the thrombolytics.

#333
Okay.

#334
Here we go.

#335
Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

#336
- Done. - Fine.

#337
Go to the top of the Meiffel Tower.

#338
- Now you're making stuff up. - No, I'm not. It's right here.

#339
Listen, Dr. Dorian,

#340
there is not one thing I regret as I lay here right now.

#341
I'm ready. I really am.

#342
You have had an amazing life.

#343
Good. Now we agree.

#344
Aren't there other patients you need to be seeing?

#345
Me? No, I've been off for two hours.

#346
So with your precious free time you've been in a hospital room talking to an old lady.

#347
What about your list? How many of those things have you done?

#348
For that matter, how many times have you sat on the grass and done nothing?

#349
You need to start taking some time for yourself, young man.

#350
Promise me you'll do that.

#351
- I will. - Good.

#352
Now, get outta here.

#353
Go on.

#354
I just wanna check out a few things before I get going.

#355
[beep]

#356
Uh-huh.

#357
[beep]

#358
Uh-huh...

#359
Are you okay?

#360
I'm scared.

#361
Come here.

#362
Come here. Come here.

#363
Oh, now, now, now.

#364
You're okay.

#365
You'll be just fine.

#366
Not to worry.

#367
[beeping]

#368
[continuous beep]

#369
I just wanted you to know she went very peacefully.

#370
I know you did everything you could for my son.

#371
I can't tell you how glad I am he had a friend here with him.

#372
Don't second-guess yourself. You made the right call.

#373
You did.

#374
I know.

#375
Basically, your mother's kidney...

#378
[all] I'm really sorry.

#381
Hey, I'm Turk.

#382
Anything.

#383
Her BP's 120 over 80... Let's keep it that way.

#384
Anything at all.

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