Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E10 — Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 10 — Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad

#1
Hey-o! What is up, bitches?

#2
I'm trying to revamp my MySpace page, but Dennis keeps criticizing

#3
every move that I make. - What is that?

#4
What in the hell is a MySpace page?

#5
- It's, like, that friends forum. - These things are awesome.

#6
You create a profile, put your picture on...

#7
... other people send you pictures and want to be your friend.

#8
So that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.

#9
How are we losers, dude?

#10
Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy. Computers are for losers.

#11
You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning.

#12
- Whatever, dude. Irrelevant. - Holy shit!

#13
This guy's been trying to contact me for, like, two weeks now

#14
and I've just been blowing him off.

#15
- But he's saying that he's our dad. - Awesome. Crazy person.

#16
- Let me see. - No. Not awesome.

#17
Because look at the pictures he's sending.

#18
- Oh! Oh, look at that! - See?

#19
That's your mom, dude! There's, like...

#20
There's, like, a ton of pictures of this guy and your mom.

#21
Oh, you know what? He does kind of look like you, Dennis.

#22
Don't jump to any conclusions here.

#23
This is bullshit! You guys have two dads, and I don't even have one.

#24
Yeah! That is bullshit! We don't even have one.

#25
What are you talking about? You have a father.

#26
But he's in prison. He's been there my whole life. It doesn't count.

#27
That does count! I never met my father!

#28
Take it easy, all right? This guy's not our dad.

#29
I don't know. This is really freaking me out.

#30
Look, Dee, this guy can't be our dad. That's ridiculous.

#31
Is it? Is it any more ridiculous than our dad having brown eyes...

#32
black hair and being 4'10"?

#33
This is really a nice place.

#34
It's about time you kids show me some respect.

#35
It doesn't really have anything to do with respect.

#36
We wanted to take you to a fancy place so you would behave yourself.

#37
- Yeah, yeah. - We need to talk to you, Dad.

#38
- Shoot. - It's kind of disturbing.

#39
You two aren't banging, are you?

#40
- What? - No! What are you talking about?

#41
- That's disgusting. - Yeah. Yeah, it is.

#42
Stay away from that kind of thing. No good can come of it. Trust me.

#43
- That's not what we're here for. - It better not be

#44
because I don't want no... (grunts) grandkids.

#45
- I am not banging my sister. - Jesus Christ!

#46
- What have I walked into here? - Oh, my God.

#47
You two aren't having sex together?

#48
- No, we're not having sex together. - What the hell is she doing here?

#49
Sit down, please, Mom. Sit.

#50
I am not getting pulled into any sort of perverted sex talk.

#51
- It's not perverted. - Banging your sister is perverted.

#52
I am not banging my sister!

#53
- God! Can you just sit, please? - Please sit in the chair.

#54
- Frank. - Barbara.

#55
Your turkey neck is exceptionally attractive this evening.

#56
- You have turned into a retarded. - You're a retard.

#57
Can we use some adult language, just for a couple minutes?

#58
Let's get to it. There's this guy Bruce who contacted Dee on MySpace

#59
and he's claiming to be our biological father.

#60
We just wanted to ask the question and just get it out of the way.

#61
Is there a chance that that could be possible?

#62
- No. - Yes.

#63
- What? - Well, Bruce who? Bruce Mathis?

#64
- Yeah. - Then, yes.

#65
There's a chance this guy could be our father?

#66
- No. Yes, he is your father. - What are you talking about?

#67
Do we really have to get into all of this?

#68
- My God! Yes. - Yes, we really have to.

#69
Everybody settle down. It's not the end of the world.

#70
A long time ago, I met Bruce and we had this little affair,

#71
or whatever you want to call it.

#72
Long story short, he got me pregnant and I had to make a decision.

#73
Seeing as he had no money, I decided that the best thing for everyone

#74
was if I didn't tell Bruce

#75
and let your father think that the twins were his. End of story.

#76
- End of story? - How could you do that?

#77
Oh, I'm sorry. Would you rather I had them aborted?

#78
Children, would you like to have been aborted?

#79
I can't believe this. I just can't believe this!

#80
- Okay, Dad. Keep your voice down. - You whore!

#81
- Keep it down, okay? - Please don't make a scene.

#82
- Don't make a scene. - Sit back down.

#83
Oh, no! I'm not gonna make a scene! I was just told, excuse me,

#84
that my horrible, whore wife,

#85
has tricked me into raising two bastards...

#86
... for 30 years, and I'm being asked to not make a scene!

#87
Whoa! Oh, excuse me? Oh, did you bang my wife? Huh?

#88
Did you bang my whore wife? Anybody here have any illegitimate children

#89
with my whore wife that I should know about?

#90
- Jesus, Frank! - Jesus! Jesus, Frank!

#91
Jesus, Frank! Jesus, Frank! Jesus, Frank!

#92
Jes... Oh! Jesus, Frank! My life is a lie! My life is a lie!

#93
Somebody's got to get stabbed! Somebody's got to get sta...

#94
- No... - Sta... Sta...

#95
(people gasp)

#96
Let's get out of here.

#97
So, Dad. Kind of a funny story.

#98
Turns out my friends got some weird news the other day

#99
about their biological father...

#100
And it got me to thinking, about maybe reconnecting with mine.

#101
Uh-huh.

#102
And, you know, Charlie never had a father.

#103
And, uh, I thought that maybe the three of us...

#104
... could all become, like... like, friends or something.

#105
Really? Okay. I'll tell you what. Maybe I got something for you.

#106
- It's a father-son type of thing? - Yeah.

#107
I got a business I been running in here the last couple of years.

#108
I was thinking of expanding. I'm gonna need people on the outside.

#109
Some really badass, tough guys.

#110
- Like where you're going with this. - Think you came to the right place.

#111
What do you guys know about...

#112
... smuggling heroin through your anus?

#113
You definitely look good. That's not what I'm saying.

#114
I just think you need to tuck it in in the back.

#115
- In the back? - Yeah.

#116
You button the top button and then they tuck it in in the back.

#117
- It is tucked in the back. - Is it?

#118
- Is it bunchy? - It's not bunchy.

#119
- Let me see. That's exactly it. - How do I look?

#120
- That's gonna impress your dad. - It is gonna impress my dad.

#121
You piece of shit! You no-good piece of shit!

#122
Whoa, whoa, Frank! What's going on in here? What happened?

#123
- I had a minor stroke. No big deal. - What's with the gun, dude?

#124
I'm trying to find the son of a bitch who fathered my children.

#125
- What? By doing MySpace? - I did everything they said to do.

#126
I put a picture, a profile.

#127
And won't tell me where the bastard lives.

#128
- Did you send him a friend request? - I don't want to be his friend.

#129
I want to shoot him in the face. Can you help me?

#130
- No. You... - Yes, absolutely. But no killing.

#131
- Needs to be killed. - Doesn't need to be killed.

#132
He could take a good ass whupping. And we're down with that.

#133
- Are you crazy? - No, dude!

#134
- Give us one second here. - Charlie.

#135
This is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected.

#136
No one is more respected than dudes in prison, right?

#137
- Yeah. - And what are dudes in prison?

#138
- Hard? - Right. Is our chance to get hard.

#139
Okay. I just don't know if this is the best way to get hard.

#140
Of course it is. This is totally hard.

#141
- You want to get hard, don't you? - I want to get hard.

#142
I want to get very, very hard.

#143
Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?

#144
I don't want to shove anything in my ass.

#145
This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are

#146
and not shove anything into our asses!

#147
What in God's name are you two talking about?

#148
- Frank, we're in. - Great.

#149
Oh, God! This is so weird. I'm really nervous.

#150
I really hope he's not an asshole.

#151
I don't think I can handle two asshole dads.

#152
Are these my beautiful children?

#153
I can't believe what a miracle this is after all these years.

#154
Oops.

#155
You know, I loved your mother more than I can say.

#156
And I'm sure she had her reasons, but she never told me.

#157
Yeah. Well, this whole thing is very strange for all of us.

#158
- We've got a lot to catch up on. - Yeah. Tell us about yourself.

#159
- Yeah. - Where to begin, uh...

#160
I met your mom here in, uh... in Philadelphia.

#161
It was just before I shipped off to Alaska with Greenpeace.

#162
I do a lot of environmental work and work with kids.

#163
And we were in Alaska. And then we went to Africa, to the Sudan.

#164
We... Here.

#165
This... This is my adopted family.

#166
- Oh. - You adopted them?

#167
- Yup. In fact, um... - Huh.

#168
Hello. Those are your brothers and sisters.

#169
Your family just got a little bigger today.

#170
- It sure... It sure did. - You want to know their names?

#171
No. We'll do that later. Because it's... it's hard to remember.

#172
- Okay, thank you very much. - Anything here is yours.

#173
Anything in my life is yours.

#174
- These are cool speakers. - Yep. They're yours. Take 'em.

#175
- No, no. I was kidding. - It was just a joke, I think.

#176
But if you want them, just... Uh... Africa.

#177
- Yes. Yes, Africa. - Right? Sudan.

#178
I went from the Sudan... I was in Darfur.

#179
We had a water-purification program there.

#180
So much work to be done there.

#181
And then I... I spent a little time in Afghanistan.

#182
We were doing a literacy program for women

#183
who were resisting the Taliban.

#184
Well, for better or worse, I came back here a couple of years ago.

#185
And I think it was for better, 'cause I'm doing this work,

#186
starting some programs for Sacred Cross Hospital,

#187
which I think is very promising. And... My story is boring. I...

#188
What about you? What are your passions?

#189
You know, what are you doing with your lives?

#190
There's been a lot of...

#191
- Oh, so many things we do. - Phases.

#192
- Oh, God. Where do you begin? - Yeah.

#193
- Something like... - I know. I know. It's...

#194
- A lot of different... - Chapters.

#195
- Kinds of... kinds of things. - I want to hear anyth...

#196
- Just tell me chapter one. - A lot of this kind of stuff.

#197
- Yeah. - These guys.

#198
- A lot of... - These guys are important to us.

#199
I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

#200
Son of a piece of shit!

#201
Hey, you gotta relax there, Frank.

#202
Seriously, bro. You're gonna have another stroke.

#203
He won't make me his friend.

#204
How am I gonna find him if he won't make me his friend?

#205
- Be patient. It's a process. - Yeah, bro. Come on.

#206
It's been days. I got no friends.

#207
- Stop. You have friends. - I got you. I got this guy Tom.

#208
And that crazy woman who claims we had a one-night stand 30 years ago.

#209
Tom doesn't really count though. He kind of, like, comes with it.

#210
Screw this! I'm gonna just follow Dennis and Dee around.

#211
Sooner or later, they're gonna bump into this bastard.

#212
We're gonna jump him and beat him over the head with a baseball bat!

#213
Frank, come on. They're gonna see that coming a mile away.

#214
Man, we need to be more devious, more cunning!

#215
- Uh, that's not very hard. - That's some weak ass-buster shit.

#216
This bastard destroyed my lineage. He must be smashed.

#217
We're gonna smash him good, friend. We know people.

#218
Look, Frank, uh, we know a guy on the inside we can talk to.

#219
He might be willing to help us out with the situation here.

#220
You guys are fast. I'm proud of you.

#221
- Thanks, Dad. - Now, here's how it's gonna work.

#222
I'll have a guy meet you in the bathroom in about 10 minutes.

#223
Now he doesn't mind sifting through the feces, so don't hold back.

#224
Uh, yeah, here's the thing about that, Dad.

#225
We don't have anything in our butts.

#226
No. We don't have anything in our butts. We're working on that.

#227
- But we're still hard. - Should see how hard we're getting.

#228
Oh, we are getting so hard. It's, like... Whew!

#229
We actually came by 'cause we need your help.

#230
Let me get this straight.

#231
You come to me empty-handed and you want my help?

#232
Yeah. And, look, we are really, really sorry about that, Dad.

#233
But if you could give us some advice on how to handle a situation,

#234
then we promise we will come back with our butts filled.

#235
Oh, so filled. So filled for you.

#236
We need to find our friends' father so that we can give him a beating.

#237
Oh, we're gonna kick the crap out of this guy.

#238
And check it out. We can't find him.

#239
Right. Why don't you just follow your friends around for a while?

#240
They're bound to contact him at some point.

#241
When they do, just jump him.

#242
Beat him with a baseball bat.

#243
- That's pretty badass. - That could work.

#244
Now, you listen to me. Do not come back here...

#245
... without anything up those asses!

#246
Okay?

#247
BOTH: Okay.

#248
#Save the children

#249
#Save the children

#250
#Save, save, save, save, Save, save, save, save, save

#251
#Save the children Save the children

#252
#Save the children Save the children

#253
#Save the children#

#254
Thank you! Thank you. Thank you, Philadelphia.

#255
The Juvenile Lupus Association

#256
thanks you, and the children thank you.

#257
- Oh, saving the kids, huh? - Yeah, I guess.

#258
Those little angels, they're the future.

#259
That's my dad up there. He put this whole shindig together.

#260
- Really? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.

#261
Well, I mean, I helped, of course.

#262
I mean, this whole lupus nightmare has gone on long enough...

#263
... you know? - Yeah.

#264
Ladies and gentlemen, sometimes a father has the privilege

#265
of playing a little music with his daughter.

#266
Would you please welcome Deandra Reynolds?

#267
(indistinct talking)

#268
BOTH: #I believe the children Are our future#

#269
Juvenile Lupus Association. What a bunch of bullshit.

#270
- Mac, I got one question for you. - What?

#271
- What's the plan again? - Are you kidding me?

#272
I swear, Charlie, you're, like, a retard.

#273
We're gonna bash him with the bat when he comes out.

#274
- You wanna huff some of this glue? - No! Put the glue away!

#275
- Please. Huff a little with me. - All right, fine.

#276
- Fine! - We just need to keep an edge.

#277
We got to stay hard, dude, because you can't do it if...

#278
This is Elmer's glue, for Christ sakes, Charlie!

#279
#If I fail If I succeed

#280
#At least I live as I believe

#281
#No matter what They take from me

#282
#They can't take away My dignity

#283
#Because the greatest#

#284
- Do you have the camera? - Yeah, I got the camera!

#285
- I just don't know what it's for! - I'm gonna bash you with this!

#286
When he comes out, I'm gonna smash his face.

#287
You're gonna take a picture. We're gonna show it to my dad...

#288
- Show it to your dad. - To prove how hard we are!

#289
#Find your strength

#290
#In Love#

#291
(crowd cheering) Whoo!

#292
No, dude. We shouldn't do this. I'm backing out.

#293
You can't back out. Frank is waiting in the car.

#294
- He's gonna be pissed. - Let Frank wait in the car.

#295
We owe this to him. This guy banged Frank's wife.

#296
- So did you. - Yeah, but it's different.

#297
- How is that different? - I don't know, Charlie! Focus!

#298
(gasps) There they are. Just relax, dude.

#299
He's hugging them. They're hugging him back!

#300
This is crazy. We shouldn't do this.

#301
We should bash all three.

#302
This is it. Let's go. You ready? Don't be a pussy.

#303
- Let's go. - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

#304
Oh. Hi.

#305
Hi.

#306
- Can I help you? - Can I help you?

#307
- Can I help you? - Can I help you?

#308
Uh, okay.

#309
Um...

#310
It's... It's okay. It's okay.

#311
I got it.

#312
Have a good night.

#313
What the hell was that shit? What did you do?

#314
- I freaked out. - You totally freaked out!

#315
- I was gonna hit him. - I took a picture of the guy.

#316
- Hey! - What?

#317
- Snap out of it! Okay? - Okay! Yes.

#318
Now we got to think of something to tell Frank.

#319
- Hey! Look at me. - Yeah?

#320
Ow!

#321
(breathing deeply)

#322
- Let's tell him the truth. - Let's tell him the truth.

#323
- Blood! There's so much blood! - What happened?

#324
- We bashed him good! - We bashed him so good!

#325
- We bashed him good! - I think we killed him.

#326
Drive! Drive! Drive!

#327
(tires screeching)

#328
Jesus, children! This isn't exactly what Mommy needs right now.

#329
No. No, no, no. Mom, Bruce is so awesome. He...

#330
- We had the best time last night. - Bruce is the coolest.

#331
We went to this lupus event last night. Lupus is awesome!

#332
You should give Bruce another chance.

#333
Barbara.

#334
- My God. You still look amazing. - Wow.

#335
The years have treated you well.

#336
I would have thought living in poverty

#337
for a quarter of a century would have taken its toll.

#338
Well, when Father died, I was left with all that money.

#339
There's only so much you can give away before you finally realize

#340
t's okay to spend a little on yourself.

#341
- On you. - Yeah, on me.

#342
Father? Wealthy? I never knew.

#343
I guess it never came up. So you guys ready?

#344
I am! I'm up for anything.

#345
Okay. But first things first.

#346
- Oh. - Yeah. Let's just put these on.

#347
One for you. One for me.

#348
Great.

#349
Okay, let's go spread somejoy.

#350
Right. Uh...

#351
Ooh. Okay. Um, hey.

#352
Hey, pal. How... How you feeling?

#353
It hurts everywhere.

#354
- Well... - Well, everything's gonna be okay.

#355
- You don't know that, Deandra. - Shut up, Mother.

#356
I don't think we should be lying to the sick children.

#357
- I was trying to be encouraging. - What if he doesn't get better?

#358
- You're gonna look like a fool. - I gotta say I agree with Dee.

#359
The kid's gonna die anyway. What difference does it make?

#360
I can hear you.

#361
Oh, you heard... Well, you know what? Disregard that.

#362
- We weren't even talking about you. - No. No.

#363
We were talking about your sick and dying friend in the next bed.

#364
Mother! What are you doing?

#365
- Nothing! - Oh, my God!

#366
You can't steal the children's medication.

#367
I'm not.

#368
- Let me see in your purse! Openit. - Don't be ridiculous!

#369
- Really? - Everything okay over here?

#370
- Yes. - A slight glitch here.

#371
- This is kind of bumming me out. - Yeah, this is not fun.

#372
Yes. I'm not exactly sure what it is we're trying to prove.

#373
We're not trying to prove anything. We're just helping the kids.

#374
- Who are we really helping? - Yeah?

#375
I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

#376
Well, listen, it's one thing to rock out, raise some cash.

#377
But it's a totally different thing to put our lives at risk.

#378
Oh, yeah. I mean, there's all these diseases floating around in here.

#379
Yes. I mean, how can we help anyone if we're all getting sick?

#380
- I mean, use your head. - Plus, it's freezing in here.

#381
You think you could talk to somebody about cranking the heat up a little?

#382
- This isn't good for us. - You're not serious?

#383
I don't think it's a lot to ask to have them turn the temperature up.

#384
It's easy. You just push a button or, like, crank a thing over.

#385
- Are you guys getting hungry? - Oh, yes.

#386
- I am starving. - Yeah, I could eat.

#387
- Is there a cafeteria in here? - No, come on. Gross.

#388
- I'm not eating in a hospital. - That's a good point.

#389
Brucie, do you know a nice restaurant in the area?

#390
I'm gonna want those noses back.

#391
Please. Give it a rest with that martyr nonsense.

#392
Yeah. Who is he? Patch Adams?

#393
You know who never acts like he cares about kids?

#394
- Dad. - Dad.

#395
All right, buddy. Baking soda, lube, balloons.

#396
This is how it's gonna go. I'm gonna jam this into your rectum.

#397
And then, woo! Like that, it's gonna expand in your colon, okay?

#398
- It's gonna be that big? - Absolutely. Drop those pants.

#399
Hey, guys. What do you think?

#400
That's a good look. That's a good look for you. Where're you headed?

#401
I tell you what, I feel like a hundred dollars.

#402
Ever since you guys beat that guy up, I got to thinking.

#403
Hey, what am I gonna do? Huh?

#404
Dive into some kind of depression over this? No.

#405
I'm gonna jump right back on the horse.

#406
So I contacted that woman on MySpace

#407
who claimed that we had a one-night stand.

#408
Turns out she's single and ready to go.

#409
- Give me some skin. - Good work.

#410
(knocking on door) There you go, Frankie!

#411
- Might be her. Mac, get the door. - Let me clean this up.

#412
- Hide that balloon. - That's gonna kill your date.

#413
- Where's my dad? - So he's your dad now...

#414
- Get out of the way. - Daddy.

#415
Don't Daddy me.

#416
You blew your chances with this daddy. You're dead to me.

#417
- No. Just listen for a second here. - No. No.

#418
We've had a change of heart. We've decided to forgive you

#419
and to allow you to be our father again.

#420
I'm not into being your dad anymore. Don't want to be your dad.

#421
- Kinda giving you a second chance. - Daddy, yeah.

#422
- No. I'm over it. - You can't be over it.

#423
- No, no, no. - I'm over it.

#424
- He can be over it. - Shut up! What is with you two?

#425
- I am over over over it! - You're not allowed to be over it!

#426
(knocking on door) DEE: Don't yell at me!

#427
- Charlie? - Hey, Mom.

#428
What... What are you doing here?

#429
- I'm confused. Do you live here? - Yeah.

#430
- Bonnie? - Frank!

#431
How do you guys know each other?

#432
- This is my date. - Whoa! Wait a second.

#433
I thought you were going on a date

#434
with a woman you had a one-night stand with 30 years ago.

#435
- Yeah. - Yeah.

#436
So if you guys had a one-night stand 30 years ago, and I don't...

#437
You know, I don't know who my... father...

#438
You could be my...

#439
Dad?

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