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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S02E10 — Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad
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Season 2, Episode 10 — Dennis and Dee Get a New Dad
#1
Hey-o! What is up, bitches?
#2
I'm trying to revamp my MySpace page, but Dennis keeps criticizing
#3
every move that I make. - What is that?
#4
What in the hell is a MySpace page?
#5
- It's, like, that friends forum. - These things are awesome.
#6
You create a profile, put your picture on...
#7
... other people send you pictures and want to be your friend.
#8
So that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.
#9
How are we losers, dude?
#10
Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy. Computers are for losers.
#11
You're drinking a beer at 8:00 in the morning.
#12
- Whatever, dude. Irrelevant. - Holy shit!
#14
and I've just been blowing him off.
#15
- But he's saying that he's our dad. - Awesome. Crazy person.
#16
- Let me see. - No. Not awesome.
#17
Because look at the pictures he's sending.
#18
- Oh! Oh, look at that! - See?
#19
That's your mom, dude! There's, like...
#20
There's, like, a ton of pictures of this guy and your mom.
#21
Oh, you know what? He does kind of look like you, Dennis.
#23
This is bullshit! You guys have two dads, and I don't even have one.
#24
Yeah! That is bullshit! We don't even have one.
#25
What are you talking about? You have a father.
#26
But he's in prison. He's been there my whole life. It doesn't count.
#27
That does count! I never met my father!
#28
Take it easy, all right? This guy's not our dad.
#29
I don't know. This is really freaking me out.
#30
Look, Dee, this guy can't be our dad. That's ridiculous.
#31
Is it? Is it any more ridiculous than our dad having brown eyes...
#32
black hair and being 4'10"?
#33
This is really a nice place.
#34
It's about time you kids show me some respect.
#35
It doesn't really have anything to do with respect.
#36
We wanted to take you to a fancy place so you would behave yourself.
#38
- Shoot. - It's kind of disturbing.
#39
You two aren't banging, are you?
#40
- What? - No! What are you talking about?
#41
- That's disgusting. - Yeah. Yeah, it is.
#42
Stay away from that kind of thing. No good can come of it. Trust me.
#43
- That's not what we're here for. - It better not be
#44
because I don't want no... (grunts) grandkids.
#45
- I am not banging my sister. - Jesus Christ!
#46
- What have I walked into here? - Oh, my God.
#47
You two aren't having sex together?
#49
Sit down, please, Mom. Sit.
#50
I am not getting pulled into any sort of perverted sex talk.
#51
- It's not perverted. - Banging your sister is perverted.
#52
I am not banging my sister!
#53
- God! Can you just sit, please? - Please sit in the chair.
#54
- Frank. - Barbara.
#55
Your turkey neck is exceptionally attractive this evening.
#56
- You have turned into a retarded. - You're a retard.
#57
Can we use some adult language, just for a couple minutes?
#58
Let's get to it. There's this guy Bruce who contacted Dee on MySpace
#59
and he's claiming to be our biological father.
#60
We just wanted to ask the question and just get it out of the way.
#61
Is there a chance that that could be possible?
#62
- No. - Yes.
#63
- What? - Well, Bruce who? Bruce Mathis?
#65
There's a chance this guy could be our father?
#66
- No. Yes, he is your father. - What are you talking about?
#67
Do we really have to get into all of this?
#68
- My God! Yes. - Yes, we really have to.
#71
or whatever you want to call it.
#72
Long story short, he got me pregnant and I had to make a decision.
#73
Seeing as he had no money, I decided that the best thing for everyone
#74
was if I didn't tell Bruce
#75
and let your father think that the twins were his. End of story.
#77
Oh, I'm sorry. Would you rather I had them aborted?
#78
Children, would you like to have been aborted?
#79
I can't believe this. I just can't believe this!
#80
- Okay, Dad. Keep your voice down. - You whore!
#81
- Keep it down, okay? - Please don't make a scene.
#82
- Don't make a scene. - Sit back down.
#84
that my horrible, whore wife,
#85
has tricked me into raising two bastards...
#86
... for 30 years, and I'm being asked to not make a scene!
#87
Whoa! Oh, excuse me? Oh, did you bang my wife? Huh?
#88
Did you bang my whore wife? Anybody here have any illegitimate children
#89
with my whore wife that I should know about?
#90
- Jesus, Frank! - Jesus! Jesus, Frank!
#91
Jesus, Frank! Jesus, Frank! Jesus, Frank!
#92
Jes... Oh! Jesus, Frank! My life is a lie! My life is a lie!
#93
Somebody's got to get stabbed! Somebody's got to get sta...
#94
- No... - Sta... Sta...
#95
(people gasp)
#97
So, Dad. Kind of a funny story.
#98
Turns out my friends got some weird news the other day
#99
about their biological father...
#100
And it got me to thinking, about maybe reconnecting with mine.
#101
Uh-huh.
#104
... could all become, like... like, friends or something.
#105
Really? Okay. I'll tell you what. Maybe I got something for you.
#106
- It's a father-son type of thing? - Yeah.
#108
I was thinking of expanding. I'm gonna need people on the outside.
#109
Some really badass, tough guys.
#110
- Like where you're going with this. - Think you came to the right place.
#111
What do you guys know about...
#112
... smuggling heroin through your anus?
#113
You definitely look good. That's not what I'm saying.
#114
I just think you need to tuck it in in the back.
#115
- In the back? - Yeah.
#116
You button the top button and then they tuck it in in the back.
#118
- Is it bunchy? - It's not bunchy.
#119
- Let me see. That's exactly it. - How do I look?
#120
- That's gonna impress your dad. - It is gonna impress my dad.
#121
You piece of shit! You no-good piece of shit!
#122
Whoa, whoa, Frank! What's going on in here? What happened?
#124
I'm trying to find the son of a bitch who fathered my children.
#125
- What? By doing MySpace? - I did everything they said to do.
#126
I put a picture, a profile.
#127
And won't tell me where the bastard lives.
#128
- Did you send him a friend request? - I don't want to be his friend.
#129
I want to shoot him in the face. Can you help me?
#130
- No. You... - Yes, absolutely. But no killing.
#131
- Needs to be killed. - Doesn't need to be killed.
#132
He could take a good ass whupping. And we're down with that.
#133
- Are you crazy? - No, dude!
#134
- Give us one second here. - Charlie.
#135
This is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected.
#138
- Hard? - Right. Is our chance to get hard.
#139
Okay. I just don't know if this is the best way to get hard.
#140
Of course it is. This is totally hard.
#141
- You want to get hard, don't you? - I want to get hard.
#142
I want to get very, very hard.
#144
I don't want to shove anything in my ass.
#145
This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are
#147
What in God's name are you two talking about?
#148
- Frank, we're in. - Great.
#149
Oh, God! This is so weird. I'm really nervous.
#152
Are these my beautiful children?
#153
I can't believe what a miracle this is after all these years.
#154
Oops.
#155
You know, I loved your mother more than I can say.
#156
And I'm sure she had her reasons, but she never told me.
#157
Yeah. Well, this whole thing is very strange for all of us.
#158
- We've got a lot to catch up on. - Yeah. Tell us about yourself.
#159
- Yeah. - Where to begin, uh...
#160
I met your mom here in, uh... in Philadelphia.
#162
I do a lot of environmental work and work with kids.
#164
We... Here.
#166
- Oh. - You adopted them?
#167
- Yup. In fact, um... - Huh.
#168
Hello. Those are your brothers and sisters.
#169
Your family just got a little bigger today.
#172
- Okay, thank you very much. - Anything here is yours.
#173
Anything in my life is yours.
#174
- These are cool speakers. - Yep. They're yours. Take 'em.
#175
- No, no. I was kidding. - It was just a joke, I think.
#176
But if you want them, just... Uh... Africa.
#177
- Yes. Yes, Africa. - Right? Sudan.
#178
I went from the Sudan... I was in Darfur.
#179
We had a water-purification program there.
#180
So much work to be done there.
#182
We were doing a literacy program for women
#183
who were resisting the Taliban.
#185
And I think it was for better, 'cause I'm doing this work,
#186
starting some programs for Sacred Cross Hospital,
#187
which I think is very promising. And... My story is boring. I...
#189
You know, what are you doing with your lives?
#190
There's been a lot of...
#191
- Oh, so many things we do. - Phases.
#192
- Oh, God. Where do you begin? - Yeah.
#193
- Something like... - I know. I know. It's...
#194
- A lot of different... - Chapters.
#195
- Kinds of... kinds of things. - I want to hear anyth...
#197
- Yeah. - These guys.
#198
- A lot of... - These guys are important to us.
#200
Son of a piece of shit!
#201
Hey, you gotta relax there, Frank.
#203
He won't make me his friend.
#204
How am I gonna find him if he won't make me his friend?
#206
It's been days. I got no friends.
#207
- Stop. You have friends. - I got you. I got this guy Tom.
#209
Tom doesn't really count though. He kind of, like, comes with it.
#211
Sooner or later, they're gonna bump into this bastard.
#214
Man, we need to be more devious, more cunning!
#215
- Uh, that's not very hard. - That's some weak ass-buster shit.
#216
This bastard destroyed my lineage. He must be smashed.
#217
We're gonna smash him good, friend. We know people.
#218
Look, Frank, uh, we know a guy on the inside we can talk to.
#219
He might be willing to help us out with the situation here.
#220
You guys are fast. I'm proud of you.
#222
I'll have a guy meet you in the bathroom in about 10 minutes.
#223
Now he doesn't mind sifting through the feces, so don't hold back.
#224
Uh, yeah, here's the thing about that, Dad.
#225
We don't have anything in our butts.
#226
No. We don't have anything in our butts. We're working on that.
#228
Oh, we are getting so hard. It's, like... Whew!
#230
Let me get this straight.
#231
You come to me empty-handed and you want my help?
#233
But if you could give us some advice on how to handle a situation,
#234
then we promise we will come back with our butts filled.
#235
Oh, so filled. So filled for you.
#236
We need to find our friends' father so that we can give him a beating.
#238
And check it out. We can't find him.
#239
Right. Why don't you just follow your friends around for a while?
#240
They're bound to contact him at some point.
#241
When they do, just jump him.
#242
Beat him with a baseball bat.
#243
- That's pretty badass. - That could work.
#244
Now, you listen to me. Do not come back here...
#245
... without anything up those asses!
#246
Okay?
#247
BOTH: Okay.
#248
#Save the children
#249
#Save the children
#250
#Save, save, save, save, Save, save, save, save, save
#251
#Save the children Save the children
#253
#Save the children#
#254
Thank you! Thank you. Thank you, Philadelphia.
#255
The Juvenile Lupus Association
#256
thanks you, and the children thank you.
#258
Those little angels, they're the future.
#260
- Really? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
#261
Well, I mean, I helped, of course.
#263
... you know? - Yeah.
#265
of playing a little music with his daughter.
#269
Juvenile Lupus Association. What a bunch of bullshit.
#270
- Mac, I got one question for you. - What?
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