Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S14E02 — Thunder Gun 4 - Maximum Cool

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 14, Episode 2 — Thunder Gun 4 - Maximum Cool

#1
I hope they don't show us

#2
some boring art house movie.

#3
Well, the title of the movie is terrible.

#4
I mean, Focus Group? What is that?

#5
Focus Group isn't the title of the movie.

#6
- We're in a focus group. - Huh?

#7
Charlie, we're here to watch, analyze, critique,

#8
and then, most importantly, judge

#9
whatever film we're gonna be shown.

#10
Uh, these filmmakers... they need valuable input,

#11
and we have been carefully selected to provide it.

#12
We were walking out of the mall,

#13
and they offered us Red Lobster gift cards.

#14
Nevertheless, you know, they've chosen wisely.

#15
Uh, good afternoon, everyone.

#16
I-I want to thank you for joining us today.

#17
Now, your feedback is very important to us.

#18
- Sweet. - I'm sorry.

#19
I'm just a little confused here,

#20
'cause I can't follow this movie.

#21
The movie hasn't started yet.

#22
Yeah, uh, Moderator, not to worry.

#23
I-I just want to assure you that your movie is in good hands.

#24
Y-You've chosen wisely.

#25
See, I, myself, am a prolific filmmaker.

#26
In fact, while you don't thrill me,

#27
I might even consider you for one of my roles.

#28
Well, thank you, um, but I'm not really a performer.

#29
I'll get a performance out of you.

#30
- Uh, where will we appear in the credits? - In the credits?

#31
- Are we gonna be at the front? - Yeah, for our contribution.

#32
- Sort of the beginning of the film, or...? - Yeah.

#33
Well, you-you will not be.

#34
But your opinions are valuable to us.

#35
- And you're gonna get a lot of them. - Oh, yeah.

#36
I'm already tearing this entire experience apart.

#37
- As am I. - Me, too.

#38
- Why don't we just start? - I'll tell you what. Why don't you

#39
- just go ahead and show us - Let's just, let's see.

#40
whatever piece of shit you're gonna show us, you know,

#41
- Yeah. - so we can tear it apart and get out to Red Lobster?

#42
- Yeah, I'm hungry. - Okay.

#43
So the title of the film is...

#44
Thunder Gun 4: Maximum Cool.

#45
- Oh! - What?!

#46
- Really?! - Holy...

#47
_

#48
Uh... uh...

#49
What was that?

#50
I, uh... I'm not sure.

#51
- Uh... - I-I was totally lost.

#52
Did they make Thunder Gun bad?

#53
- Yeah. - Okay. So,

#54
that was our movie.

#55
Now, clearly, the film is not done,

#56
but still a work in progress.

#57
- Oh. - Oh, thank God!

#58
- Okay, great. - Oh, Jesus.

#59
Okay, so let's adjourn to the conference room to begin our session.

#60
- Let's get into it. Yeah. - Yeah. Let's-let's fix it.

#61
- We can, uh, we can fix it. - Oh, yeah.

#62
Okay, why don't we just

#63
break it down, act by act?

#64
I'll play back a scene from the first act,

#65
and then we can discuss.

#66
- Yeah, okay. All right. - Okay.

#67
* Train roll on... *

#68
- Excuse me. - * On down the line... *

#69
Is your name John? John ThunderGun?

#70
Mm. Maybe once.

#71
Not anymore.

#72
I'm Dr. Ling.

#73
This is my assistant Max.

#74
I'm head of research and development for Com-Tec.

#75
We need your help.

#76
Why?

#77
You got a bottle of whiskey that needs draining?

#78
A man named Colonel Washington has stolen a formula

#79
from our lab.

#80
In the wrong hands, this formula could be used

#81
as a powerful weapon.

#82
A weapon that could destroy millions of lives.

#83
We need it back, but he wants something from us.

#84
Oh, yeah? What's that?

#85
Not what, but who.

#86
I am Colonel Washington.

#87
You know my reputation, so you'll give me what I seek.

#88
Where is ThunderGun?

#89
Right here.

#90
Me.

#91
I am ThunderGun.

#92
I am ThunderGun.

#93
I am ThunderGun.

#94
I am ThunderGun!

#95
I am ThunderGun!

#96
I am ThunderGun! I am ThunderGun!

#97
I am...

#98
Okay, who has questions about the setup?

#99
- Mm. - Oh.

#100
- Me, me, me, me! - Yeah.

#101
- Um, let's start with you. - What's being set up?

#102
Um... the entire movie.

#103
The, uh...

#104
So, the main characters, the story, the villain.

#105
That's where you lost me. Who's the bad guy?

#106
Well, Colonel Washington, obviously.

#107
That's not clear.

#108
In the old movies, the good guy wore white,

#109
the bad guy wore black, or was black.

#110
Well, depending on the hero.

#111
Right? It's-it's not a racial thing.

#112
- Mm. - It's about opposites.

#113
See, I want the bad guy to be different than me

#114
- so I know why I hate him. - Mm-hmm.

#115
- Mm. - I hate people who are different than me.

#116
Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like Rocky one.

#117
Bad guy was black.

#118
Rocky II... another black guy.

#119
Rocky III... different black guy with a mohawk.

#120
- Right. - Yeah, but in Die Hard,

#121
- the bad guy was foreign, right? - Hmm.

#122
- Yeah. - So I know why I hate him.

#123
- There we go. - Yeah.

#124
People hate foreigners.

#125
- Right. - Yeah, we hate them. - Right? So in Thunder Gun,

#126
you don't have to do any reshoots, right?

#127
- Yeah. - Don't-don't make him black.

#128
- Just give him an accent. - What kind of accent?

#129
What about Australian? That's pretty foreign.

#130
No, that's not gonna work.

#131
'Cause they're white.

#132
No, because they're fun.

#133
They're a very fun group of people, right? I mean...

#134
- Yeah. - Try to hate an Australian.

#135
- It's impossible. - A bunch of rapscallions.

#136
- Little rascals. - Ooh, but French, though.

#137
- French. - Ugh.

#138
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Snobby. Snobby, yes.

#139
Yes, yes. You will definitely dislike him,

#140
but you won't fear him because he's most likely a pussy.

#141
- Oh. - Right. - That's right.

#142
- Not scary. Not scary. - Right, right.

#143
When in doubt,

#144
- go Eastern European, right? - Right.

#145
- That's a classically evil part of the world. - Uh-huh.

#146
- There you go. - That'd work.

#147
You know, let's talk a bit about the female character.

#148
- Nah. - Do we have to?

#149
- I would love to. - The studio needs

#150
a female perspective.

#151
What did you think of Dr. Ling?

#152
Oh, I think she sucks. First of all, she comes in

#153
with a whole plan, like she's starting the movie.

#154
So, you... you want the female characters to have less agency?

#155
Yeah. Look, I feel bad enough about myself as is.

#156
I don't need some super hot, funny, smart chick doing, like,

#157
roundhouse kicks and cracking computer codes

#158
- to make me feel worse. - Mm. Mm-hmm.

#159
No. No. I-I like the women of the old Thunder Gun days, right?

#160
Bed 'em and dead 'em.

#161
Look, first act, he meets a lady.

#162
She's super hot, but I'm smarter, right?

#163
And then he bangs her, and she gets dead.

#164
And-and later on, he meets someone.

#165
All right, this one's smart, I'll give her that,

#166
but I'm funnier.

#167
You know what I mean?

#168
He bangs her, she gets dead, and then,

#169
and in the end, he falls in love with an ugly one,

#170
and who cares about that? I don't care about that.

#171
And then she gets dead, and that sets up

#172
for the next movie, and I'm all in.

#173
Because all of the women are dead.

#174
You know? No competition.

#175
- Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. - Yeah.

#176
- Right? - Okay, yeah. Write that down.

#177
- Women hate women. - I...

#178
I think the studio was trying to get away

#179
from the female character just acting

#180
as a plot device or a sex trophy.

#181
- Ah, but, yeah, why? - Why?

#182
- But that works. - Okay, let's move past this.

#183
Let's take it into the second act with this next clip.

#184
I'm sorry I dragged you into this, ThunderGun.

#185
Don't lose hope.

#186
We may get out of this yet.

#187
But if we don't,

#188
I think there's something I should tell you.

#189
We've met before.

#190
Detroit.

#191
Winter.

#192
At a bar.

#193
I went home with you.

#194
The next morning, you were gone,

#195
and I never heard from you again.

#196
I'm sorry if I hurt you.

#197
I never was good at being tied down.

#198
No, it's not that. It's just...

#199
My assistant.

#200
You know Max.

#201
Well, he's not just my assistant.

#202
He's my son.

#203
- Are you trying to tell me... - Yes, John.

#204
He's your son, too.

#205
Max is your son.

#206
Okay.

#207
So, this is the midpoint twist.

#208
What is?

#209
Um, ThunderGun finding out he has a son.

#210
- Mm-hmm. - He has a son?

#211
Yes.

#212
But how is this the twist?

#213
I mean, because he's got a kid?

#214
I mean, he's probably got a thousand kids,

#215
all the raw-dog loads he drops.

#216
I don't know what "raw-dog loads" are.

#217
Sorry for him. But my disgusting friend

#218
does bring up a good point.

#219
I mean, every Thunder Gun movie

#220
has at least one very tasteful yet very erotic sex scene in it,

#221
- and this had none. - Mm.

#222
Yeah. I've... I've been waiting for the right time

#223
to bring this up, but I feel like we need to address

#224
the elephant in the room, no?

#225
- Yeah, this is a big one for us. - Might as well.

#226
- I've been thinking about it. - Might as well. - Yeah.

#227
Okay, so...

#228
where's the dong?

#229
The-the dong?

#230
- The dong. - Yeah, yeah.

#231
Yeah, the dong. The dong.

#232
John ThunderGun has hung dong

#233
in every chapter of this saga.

#234
And, well, I just watched 90 minutes of one,

#235
and yet not one hang.

#236
Well, I think that the studio was thinking

#237
the gratuitous nudity was maybe a bit much.

#238
- Fuck you. -Bullshit!

#239
- Bullshit! - This is exactly the type of Hollywood bullshit

#240
- that America is sick of. - What are you talking about?

#241
Hollywood's completely out of touch.

#242
- So out of touch with what people want! - Don't you want to give people

#243
- what people actually want? - There's a bigger issue here.

#244
Movies are different now.

#245
You lost a sense of community.

#246
Interesting. Go on.

#247
Look, years ago, before the Internet,

#248
we would all go out to the movies together.

#249
Yes. This is exactly what studios

#250
are trying to bring back. A-An event.

#251
- A place we can all go to enjoy as a community. - Yeah.

#252
I mean, it used to be

#253
you give the creep-show at the window a couple of bucks,

#254
you could spend all day in there popping off.

#255
And the joy of it was that there were people popping off

#256
at the same time.

#257
I mean, n-not that you looked

#258
at each other. It was dark.

#259
You weren't looking for the gay thing.

#260
But it gave you a sense of something bigger than yourself.

#261
Now, they... you know,

#262
got rid of all these movie theaters.

#263
They're taking all the sex out of the movies.

#264
And what am I supposed to do?

#265
Go home, turn the lights off and pop off in front of Charlie?

#266
No, thanks.

#267
I'm sorry.

#268
Are you talking about pornography theaters?

#269
I'm talking about community, honey.

#270
Right. E... Uh, yeah, even if the studios

#271
wanted to put back in the nudity,

#272
they couldn't because of the new rating.

#273
Wh-What do you mean, the new rating?

#274
Thunder Gun: Maximum Cool will be rated PG-13.

#275
What?

#276
Now, that's quite a midpoint twist.

#277
They did it! They did.

#278
They ruined everything with this PC bullshit.

#279
Straight white men can't have anything anymore.

#280
Men? Look, don't forget white women.

#281
We got completely passed over.

#282
Yeah, and I can't follow any of this.

#283
We're feeling a lot of outrage right now, you know,

#284
because we want something, and we know we deserve it,

#285
- but we're not getting it. - Mm.

#286
I'm mad, but I don't know at what anymore.

#287
That's what it is!

#288
That's what it is! I'm pissed!

#289
- Aah! I'm mad. - Listen, listen.

#290
Our way of life is changing,

#291
- and that's scary. - Right.

#292
- We don't want to change. - Oh, that makes me so angry.

#293
- Makes me mad. - I want to cling

#294
to the way things were, but they're done.

#295
- Let's get out of here. - Let's run from this.

#296
- We'll run from it. - Wait, wait, wait,

#297
- wait, wait. - Do we have to, legally?

#298
Guys, we can't run. Come on.

#299
What's ThunderGun's slogan?

#300
"No hesitation, no surrender, no man left behind."

#301
Did we leave a guy in there, though?

#302
Goddamn right we did, Charlie,

#303
and his name is John ThunderGun.

#304
Like it or not, we have a civic duty to uphold.

#305
We owe it to ourselves, to ThunderGun,

#306
and to movie audiences all over the world

#307
to put a stop to this liberal, PC bullshit.

#308
Mm-hmm. - But I think we have been selected

#309
for a cosmic reason here; to put an end to this.

#310
To not pull our punches.

#311
To save the dong.

#312
Save the dong.

#313
- Save the dong. - Save the dong.

#314
- I agree. - Oh, for God's sakes.

#315
- This is why you don't include women. - Are you kidding me?!

#316
What?!

#317
Don't you see that there was a rhythm?

#318
- Like a cinematic rhythm. - Oh, let's do it again.

#319
- Let's do it again. - No way. No way!

#320
- I get it now. - You-you can't...

#321
You can't give women the zingers.

#322
Now, you listen here, you goddamn Hollywood communist.

#323
I live in Roxborough.

#324
Again, I didn't make this movie.

#325
Listen to me, listen to me. If you start to strip sex

#326
out of our communities, out of our culture

#327
and-and even our art,

#328
not only do you isolate people, but you create an oppression

#329
disguised as morality.

#330
I mean, the... the Thunder Gun series

#331
has always been groundbreaking in so many ways,

#332
notwithstanding the recognition of an inequality

#333
that was present in cinema since its beginning days.

#334
The objectifying of the female form. I mean,

#335
with Thunder Gun, a great injustice was rectified. Okay?

#336
Fairness of the sexes.

#337
A unification of the human condition.

#338
I'm sorry, is this still about the flaccid penis

#339
you'd like to see?

#340
You're goddamn right!

#341
- Yeah. - We want to see it.

#342
Yes, we want to see the man's dick, but...

#343
I guess what I'm saying is that it's no longer

#344
just about gratuitous boobs,

#345
it's also about gratuitous penis.

#346
I mean, ThunderGun was about progress.

#347
Right. Uh, I think we all can agree

#348
that public opinion has sort of turned against the idea

#349
of someone exposing themselves.

#350
Oh, here we go. Here we go.

#351
- This is a different thing. - You're not understanding it.

#352
See, ThunderGun didn't take his dick out to intimidate people.

#353
He did it because he had accomplished his mission.

#354
He wanted to kick back and call it a day.

#355
He did do it once to intimidate someone,

#356
- but that was the bad guy. - It was the bad guy.

#357
And it just so happened the bad guy was a female.

#358
That was the best one. That was the best one!

#359
- That was funny. - It made me wish I had a dong

#360
that I could pull out to celebrate my accomplishments.

#361
You know? Or maybe just feel the cool breeze

#362
gently tickle the shaft on a, on a crisp autumn morn.

#363
I don't know, whatever men do to... to feel powerful.

#364
- That's what it is. - It really is. It really is.

#365
Listen, Moderator, the point is this.

#366
I mean, it used to be only, like,

#367
the hard-line conservatives, like the pearl-clutching types,

#368
were the only ones that were overly vocal

#369
and extreme in their policing of sexuality.

#370
But now you got this, like, liberal wave

#371
of moral authority sweeping the nation.

#372
You know, it's nuts. I mean, think about it.

#373
If the conservatives had always run Hollywood,

#374
movies would have sucked.

#375
You know what I mean? The art would have suffered.

#376
So I guess the question we're asking is

#377
how will art fare under the oppressive thumb

#378
of this new liberal Hollywood moral PC elite?

#379
Well, I don't know. It's tough to say.

#380
But is that a world that we want to live in?

#381
I say no.

#382
I say give me dong

#383
or give me death.

#384
Yeah!

#385
Yeah, man, don't tell me

#386
what I can see and what I can't see.

#387
So, uh, just to be clear here, they didn't make it PG-13

#388
because of political correctness.

#389
- Oh, did they not? - No. No-no. They-they made it PG-13

#390
because rated-R movies

#391
aren't making as much money anymore.

#392
Because of streaming, and most importantly,

#393
- piracy. - Piracy, huh?

#394
Yeah, and how have you all been viewing the franchise?

#395
- Oh, no-no, not through piracy. - No.

#396
In f... In fact, we, we-we saw the last installment

#397
of-of the franchise out in the theater.

#398
- We barely made it. - We barely made it.

#399
Oh, wait, no-no, hold on,

#400
but Frank called in that bomb threat.

#401
Oh, but-but that was okay, because remember,

#402
then we went home, and we, we saw it on the Internet.

#403
- Caught it online. - We caught it online.

#404
Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah. On that website that has all the movies.

#405
So, that's... that is pirating.

#406
No, no, no, pirating is stealing.

#407
We didn't steal it, okay? We just downloaded it.

#408
Uh, the website is called "MoviePirate.com."

#409
And the other one is called,

#410
uh, "FreeMovies/Arrrgh."

#411
Ah, I'm starting to see a little bit of a pattern here,

#412
because, uh, I also use one called "StolenMovies.free."

#413
So... you're part of the problem.

#414
Because of people like you, the studios felt like

#415
this was their only recourse.

#416
PG-13 opens up a whole new market.

#417
You're saying it's our fault that we don't get to see the dong?

#418
You're coming in there changing everything, you know,

#419
getting rid of the dong, I mean,

#420
how is that even Thunder Gun anymore?

#421
Well, yeah, th-they're changing it.

#422
They're rebooting the entire franchise.

#423
- What? - What d... What?

#424
You guys didn't get that from the final scene?

#425
Uh, no, what...?

#426
Okay. Let's review.

#427
I'm not gonna make it through this one.

#428
We can both go detonate the hydro-fusion bomb.

#429
No hesitation. No surrender. No man left behind!

#430
Not this time.

#431
No, Dad.

#432
Please.

#433
Sometimes in order to save something...

#434
you have to destroy something.

#435
You'll need this to get out of here, son.

#436
To continue our story.

#437
So, you see, they're rebooting the franchise

#438
for a younger audience.

#439
The only people who are actually

#440
still going to see movies.

#441
I did not get that.

#442
Well, you haven't gotten anything the entire day.

#443
Got to side with Charlie on this one.

#444
I didn't get it. Now, wh-what was with the fire stick?

#445
You mean the torch?

#446
The one he passed to his son Max...

#447
as in Maximum Cool... and said,

#448
"You need to continue our story"?

#449
It's the camera guy who screwed up.

#450
'Cause ThunderGun, he fell into that fiery abyss,

#451
- and for some reason, we're watching the kid... - Yeah,

#452
we wanted to go down into the volcano with John...

#453
No-no, you guys don't get it. It's a cliffhanger. Yeah?

#454
It's a cliffhanger. We're gonna find out what happened to John

#455
in the next movie, Thunder Gun 5...

#456
- Ooh... - Or, or there's a post-credit scene

#457
- that we didn't get to see, yes? - No. No. There's none of that.

#458
This isn't a cliffhanger. He's dead.

#459
John is dead. Now we follow the son's story.

#460
- No! - I don't, I don't want to.

#461
- I don't think so. - No.

#462
You don't have to think. I'm telling you, that's what it is.

#463
ThunderGun fell into a volcano.

#464
He died. And now his son Max becomes Thunder Son,

#465
the face of the franchise moving forward.

#466
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...

#467
He has a son?

#468
Fuck, man! What?

#469
- How do you not get that? - It wasn't clear.

#470
Reshoots. Reshoots. You got to reshoot.

#471
- Yeah, reshoots. - Reshoots to make the movie more clear...

#472
No! That's not what we're gonna do.

#473
We're out of time. That's it. That's... We're done.

#474
But you're ruining our favorite movie! Uh...

#475
- How can we save the movies that we love? - Yeah.

#476
Maybe if you actually go out to the theaters

#477
and pay to see them, then they will continue to make them.

#478
Whoa! Oh, that's easy for you to say!

#479
With your Hollywood liberal bank account!

#480
Jesus! Who are you people?!

#481
I... am ThunderGun.

#482
I... am ThunderGun.

#483
I... am ThunderGun.

#484
I am... Thundergun.

#485
Goddammit, Dee!

#486
- Dee... - How did you not feel

#487
- that I was next and then you? - I don't know.

#488
There was a build to it,

#489
- and then... - It's like, we're trying

#490
to give the woman the final thing, and she can't do it.

#491
- Okay, start it over. - You can't go back.

#492
- Start it over? - You see the problem with women.

#493
Well, RIP ThunderGun, I guess.

#494
Yeah. What a waste.

#495
I recorded that whole thing for nothing.

#496
Dong-less!

#497
Wait a second. You recorded the whole thing?

#498
- Yeah. - Guys... hang on a second.

#499
Do you remember what ThunderGun said?

#500
Sometimes, in order to save something,

#501
you have to destroy something.

#502
And I think I know what we have to do to save Thunder Gun.

#503
Destroy it?

#504
Well, how are we gonna do that?

#505
With a little help. From some pirates.

#506
No hesitation.

#507
No surrender.

#508
No man left behind!

#509
_

#510
_

#511
_

#512
_

#513
_

#514
_

#515
_

#516
_

#517
_

#518
_

#519
Mmm.

#520
I'm bored.

#521
Well, it looks like this new Thunder Gun movie's

#522
pretty good.

#523
Well, you guys want to see it?

#524
We're gonna have to do a mad dash across town, though.

#525
It starts in 30 minutes.

#526
- To the sewers! - To the sewers!

#527
- Let's go! - Let's go!

#528
No, no, I meant like, let's see it on that pirate website.

#529
- You think it's up already? - Here, let me check.

#530
Yeah. We don't have to go across town.

#531
- It's probably on the, uh... - Yeah, it's free.

#532
We can stay here and watch it.

#533
- That way it's free. - Yep. It-it's on there.

#534
- Oh! - Put it... Yeah.

#535
You want to watch it on the phone?

#536
- Oh, good. - All right.

#537
Five tickets for the price of zero.

#538
Put on the Auto Motion Plus.

#539
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com

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