Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S14E03 — Dee Day

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 14, Episode 3 — Dee Day

#1
(bell dings)

#2
I love you.

#3
ANNOUNCER: FXX presents...

#4
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

#5
DENNIS: Okay, now put your arms back.

#6
You're like a... you're like a rocket ship, okay?

#7
Now left.

#8
Now right. Now left. Now right. Now go lower.

#9
-MAC: Oh, come on. Come... -(Charlie whistles) -Can you guys go lower?

#10
Dennis, is this really necessary?

#11
Mac, you have the tendon dexterity of a sow,

#12
so yes, it's necessary. Guys, we're about to embark

#13
on the most important 24 hours of our lives here.

#14
Okay, it's important to stay limber and loose.

#15
Uh, yes. Very good, Charlie.

#16
-Can we just start? -No, we can't just start, okay?

#17
Preparation is the key to victory.

#18
-Oh. -DENNIS: Yes, Charlie.

#19
You're really nailing this today.

#20
I got my eye on you. Okay.

#21
Now, does everybody know what they're supposed to do?

#22
Yes. Dennis, I know exactly what you told us to do.

#23
I've memorized it. I know where to be

#24
and when to be at all times.

#25
Okay, good. Yeah.

#26
Needy and desperate for approval,

#27
but, uh, good. Charlie.

#28
-(blows) -Now look at that. You see that?

#29
With one little gesture,

#30
he tells me everything I need to know.

#31
That wordless display of confidence earns my confidence.

#32
Don't. I did it already.

#33
You're so desperate.

#34
-I thought it was cool. -Okay, now, listen. Guys, guys.

#35
We have exactly one day to pull this off,

#36
so everything needs to be executed to absolute perfection.

#37
And, gentlemen, if we do that, well, the world is our oyster.

#38
Don't say "oyster." Say "clam."

#39
-The world's our clam? -Yeah.

#40
-I like clams better. -You like clams? Well,

#41
-that doesn't sound very good. -They're both shellfish,

#42
-so it's kind of the same, isn't it? -Yeah. One's disgusting,

#43
-and one's delicious. -Yeah, okay.

#44
-I personally prefer barnacles. You know what I mean? -MAC: Oh.

#45
-Yeah, there's some meat in there. -I like abalone.

#46
-DENNIS: Well, okay, guys. -Abalone's interesting.

#47
-I'm a clam person. -Seagulls...

#48
-Oh, mussels. What about mussels? -DENNIS: All right, guys.

#49
Let's not get into a whole thing.

#50
We're getting derailed, okay? Uh...

#51
We can spend the whole day talking

#52
about which shell creatures we do or don't prefer

#53
or enjoy at any given moment.

#54
That's not what we're doing here.

#55
Okay, look, we put in the work.

#56
Right? We're ready. We've done our dry run.

#57
And if we put our minds to it,

#58
nothing, absolutely nothing can stand in our way.

#59
-World is our clam. -Bring it in, boys. -DEE: Oh!

#60
* Uh, Dee is in the house *

#61
* Uh, Dee is in the house, uh, Dee is in the house *

#62
* Uh, Dee is in the house. *

#63
-First things first, we got to ditch Dee. -Oh, shit.

#64
-Yeah, let's ditch her. -DEE: Guys,

#65
I am so excited to get started.

#66
Get started on what?

#67
Oh, my God. You forgot.

#68
(chuckles): Oh, that makes it so much better.

#69
Oh, guys.

#70
From noon today until noon tomorrow,

#71
it's Dee Day.

#72
-What? -Oh, my God.

#73
-No. -I completely forgot. -Oh, shit.

#74
-No, I... -No, wait, wait, wait.

#75
I know, I know. See, we did all your days,

#76
and now it's my turn.

#77
So that means, for the next 24 hours,

#78
you got to do everything I tell you to do,

#79
and you got to listen to me.

#80
And you can't complain, otherwise you're gonna get

#81
-one of these. -(air horn blares)

#82
-(groans) -And I tack another day on.

#83
-Dee, please, please don't do this to us. -Oh, you better

#84
cram your insults in now while you got...

#85
oh, few more seconds left, guys.

#86
CHARLIE: You... (stammers)

#87
-Dee's a bird! -(frantic shouting)

#88
-Dee Day begins in three... -Dee's a bird! You're a bird!

#89
-...two... -You're a bird! (shouts) -I hate you, bird!

#90
-You're a stupid...! -...one.

#91
(clock chiming, cuckooing)

#92
As we all know, you guys just love to talk and talk about

#93
why men this and why God that and on and on and on and on.

#94
And I-I can't even begin to count the number

#95
of pointless monologues I've been forced to sit through.

#96
But not today. Today, it's you

#97
who will be forced to sit and just listen.

#98
And my first topic?

#99
My feelings.

#100
-That's fair. -MAC: Yeah, I'm into it. -DEE: Thank you.

#101
-I'm excited. -DEE: Thought you would be.

#102
Now, when I wake up in the morning, I feel sad.

#103
And I feel sad for a very long...

#104
DENNIS: (groans) Today of all days,

#105
and now I'm being forced to listen to her feelings?

#106
I won't do it. And who cares about her feelings anyway?

#107
Nobody, that's who.

#108
What about my feelings? Now, that's interesting, okay?

#109
Plus, the plan. We can't afford to waste a second,

#110
and these pea-brains are probably forgetting their parts

#111
with every second that passes by.

#112
MAC: Uh-oh. I'm forgetting my part of the plan

#113
with every second that goes by.

#114
Dennis is gonna yell at me again.

#115
Hey, why was Charlie outshining me earlier?

#116
I mean, what's that all about?

#117
It's like he wants something from Dennis.

#118
But what?

#119
Attention? Love?

#120
Why'd he throw me that look? Does he want to replace me?

#121
Is that what's going on? What the hell does he want?

#122
CHARLIE: I'm pretty sure Dennis has candy.

#123
I heard a crinkle in his pocket

#124
that sounded like the wrapper of a candy.

#125
I gave Mac a look to let him know

#126
that I figured out Dennis has candy.

#127
Hopefully, if we nail this plan,

#128
he'll give us some candy.

#129
I want that candy.

#130
FRANK: You know who eats raw shellfish?

#131
Seagulls, that's who.

#132
Clams you bake. Clams you fry.

#133
Pop a rubber band around them, stuff them full of bread,

#134
boil them shits for an hour.

#135
There's a million ways you can prepare a clam.

#136
"Make the world your clam."

#137
Just sounds better.

#138
And that, I believe, is the reason

#139
for all of this toxic masculinity.

#140
-Would you agree? -Huh?

#141
-Yes. -Yeah. Well... -A-Absolutely.

#142
-Yeah, absolutely. -Yeah. Everything... -Absolutely.

#143
Everything you were saying, we were totally listening.

#144
-That's totally true. -DEE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#145
Okay, cool. Um, I'm gonna go take a quick squirt

#146
'cause that beer just went right through me,

#147
and then we'll move on to the next thing.

#148
-Thanks, Dee. -Sounds fun. -All right, Dee.

#149
-Sounds fun. -Yeah, Dee, this is gonna be great.

#150
-I'm looking forward to it. -This is really cool.

#151
-So excited. So excited. -I'm enjoying this a lot.

#152
-Goddamn bird! -(grunts)

#153
-I'm gonna... -Where's the scream pillow?

#154
Yeah, yeah. No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

#155
Guys, wait. We can still pull this thing off.

#156
We can still pull this thing off.

#157
I-I just came up with another plan.

#158
It was actually based on what Dee just did.

#159
She just went to the bathroom.

#160
See, everybody's got to take a dump

#161
at least once in every 24-hour period.

#162
This got me thinking, right? So, at some point today,

#163
each and every one of us will have to take a shit, right?

#164
We're gonna have to go find a bathroom, and at that point,

#165
you will go and execute your part of the plan.

#166
-Sounds good. That's good. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#167
-See what I'm saying? All right. -Yeah, yeah.

#168
So, Charlie, now it is time

#169
-for you to take your shit. -CHARLIE: Is there time?

#170
-Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. -Okay, great. Nice.

#171
And then, Charlie, go poop, and then we'll get started.

#172
What? No, that's not what he's talking about, Mac.

#173
What he means is that it's time for me

#174
to go to the school, break in

#175
using my old janitor's key, right?

#176
Go into the nurse's office,

#177
'cause he's probably still on his lunch break.

#178
Make the call. Call the valet.

#179
Let him know that his kid's "sick"

#180
and needs to be "picked up from school" ASAP.

#181
My man. With that kind of focus,

#182
we're gonna be able to pull this thing off.

#183
-Yes! -Way to go. -Yeah! And then when he's there,

#184
-that's when he poops. -Wrong!

#185
-Totally wrong. Just go, Charlie. Go. -CHARLIE: Okay.

#186
A-And keep this kind of good focus in mind

#187
when it comes to what's inside your pants,

#188
'cause I want that, man.

#189
Okay. Yeah. All right, great.

#190
-I want what's in your pants. -DENNIS: No, no.

#191
-All right. -(door opens)

#192
Okay. Where's Charlie?

#193
He had to take a shit.

#194
-(chuckles) Yeah. -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

#195
-And I, too, have to take a shit now, as well. -Oh, what?

#196
No. What, now? No.

#197
Well, make up your mind, or I-I do the horn.

#198
-Okay. It is a bit of an emergency. -No, it isn't.

#199
He-- You can, you can hold it. He's gonna hold it.

#200
-(school bell ringing) -CHARLIE: Knock, knock, knock. -(door opens)

#201
Hey! How you doing, old Terry?

#202
Old buddy, old pal!

#203
-(laughs) -Do I know you?

#204
Ah, come on, it's me! It's Charlie! Remember?

#205
I used to be the janitor here a few years back.

#206
Yeah, well, I got fired on account of a relationship

#207
I was having with a Juggalo child, you know.

#208
That's not the point. The point is though

#209
I got my old job back.

#210
I'm ready to have new relationships with the children.

#211
And in case you're wondering how I got in the building,

#212
that's how.

#213
Oh.

#214
Right.

#215
And if memory serves,

#216
you usually take your lunch break about now.

#217
So how about you pop on out, eat some lunch,

#218
and I'll clean up your office.

#219
Oh, uh, I ate already.

#220
Did you?

#221
Lunch is at noon. It's 12:30.

#222
Oh, yeah. Look at that there.

#223
You know what happened though, Terry, was I got a little

#224
held up on account of it being Dee Day and all.

#225
-It's not D-Day. -You know what?

#226
Actually, Terry, I should tell you this.

#227
Um, I saw some kids breaking in to your car outside.

#228
I ride a bike.

#229
Yeah. That's what I meant.

#230
They were breaking on in to your bicycle.

#231
Kicked it in half. Filled it with horse manure.

#232
-Kind of a prank, I guess. -Yeah, I don't believe you.

#233
Well, only one way to find out. Better pop outside, take a peek.

#234
My bike is fine.

#235
One step ahead of me, aren't you, Terry?

#236
(chuckles): Okay, you know what happened?

#237
Dee Day just threw everything off, okay?

#238
So I'm just gonna slide on in here.

#239
Maybe I'm gonna make a little phone call.

#240
No big deal. And I'm not gonna make a phone call.

#241
I'll just have some candy, then.

#242
And I'm not gonna have any candy 'cause candy's for the kids.

#243
Terry, this has been an unfortunate, uh...

#244
Hey, can I use your phone and pretend to be you?

#245
No.

#246
Okay. That's strike three on my, uh, count.

#247
Uh, I'm gonna fuck your bike up, Terry.

#248
-What the hell is this? -(Taiwanese accent): Charlie, you would not

#249
-believe what we're doing. -Oh, my God. What is that?

#250
(Puerto Rican accent): Ladies just doing it for themselves. I'm just playing.

#251
-I'm Martina Martinez. -CHARLIE: Oh, no.

#252
You don't have to do the accent anymore, Frank. You're offstage.

#253
-Oh, my God. This is so racist, right? -It's insanely racist.

#254
We didn't want to do it, but you know, Dee's humor is so lowbrow.

#255
Oh, my God. What is she...?

#256
Uh, she wants to do a whole retrospective

#257
of her stupid characters.

#258
-Wrote a play about it. -Her characters suck!

#259
-I know! -Her characters suck!

#260
(Irish accent): Charlie, thank God you're here.

#261
-Go get into costume. We're up next. -MAC: Dennis.

#262
Oh, Dennis, uh, you're offstage,

#263
so y-you don't have to do the accent anymore.

#264
That's why you suck at everything, Maxie.

#265
I say if you're gonna do a racist stereotype,

#266
you best do it right. I mean, that's a bit much, but you know.

#267
-Oh, uh, where are we with the phone call? -CHARLIE: Uh, no.

#268
I wasn't able to make it. I was not able to make the call, guys.

#269
-What?! -I'm sorry. Okay, look.

#270
Here's what we'll do. I'll-I'll go to the valet myself, okay?

#271
I'll go to the restaurant. I'll get the key.

#272
I-I can make it work, Dennis, all right? Don't get mad.

#273
-Who's desperate now, Charlie? -Shut up, Mac, you racist!

#274
I'm not racist! She's racist! She's the one that's racist!

#275
-She's making us do it. -DEE: Hey, turkeys! -Shh. Shh.

#276
-What's the holdup in there? -No, no, no, no. Goddamn it.

#277
Look, uh, you stay here, Charlie.

#278
Um, Mac, Frank, you go down there, okay?

#279
Um, you're not on again till the second act.

#280
-I won't let you down, Dennis. -Great. Go, go, go.

#281
-Go. -Go, go, go, go, go.

#282
-Oh, man. -Charlie. Charlie, go get into your costume.

#283
-We got to learn a song. -What? A song?

#284
God.

#285
The glue on these teeth is insane.

#286
I would never be able to get them off and on in time.

#287
Ah, this makeup is making me sick.

#288
-I'm-- I feel awful. -It's not the makeup, Frank.

#289
It's the bag of clams you made us stop before we came here.

#290
The clam is fine.

#291
If w-we got a bag of oysters,

#292
those would've made us really sick.

#293
Whatever, dude. Just focus, all right?

#294
The councilwoman's gonna be here any second.

#295
Yeah, well, what do we got to do now?

#296
Charlie screwed up the whole thing with the valet.

#297
Now how are we gonna get her keys?

#298
-All right, well, I got a plan. -What?

#299
Now, when the valet gets into the next car,

#300
I want you to go to your car,

#301
and I want you to ram him, all right?

#302
Nothing crazy, but it's got to be believable, all right?

#303
Then, I'll step in as the valet.

#304
I'll get the councilwoman's keys.

#305
I'll go get a copy made. I'll be back here ASAP.

#306
I have, I have a suggestion. I mean, if you want...

#307
if you want it to be really believable--

#308
the car accident-- then I think you should do it.

#309
I mean, I'm not saying out loud why you should be the one

#310
to have the car accident, but I think it would play much better.

#311
I do appreciate that you're working

#312
on your prejudices, Frank. I, too, am trying

#313
to become a better man and-- but I just--

#314
I-I-I really think that, unfortunately,

#315
-it is a better plan. -It's a good plan.

#316
So, uh, I'm just gonna go ahead and do that.

#317
Oh! Oh!

#318
(whispering): Okay. Okay, he's coming. Oh, good.

#319
-You go get the keys. I'm gonna go do the acc... -Okay. (retches)

#320
-(groans) -Are you okay?

#321
I'm-I'm... I'm just so sick.

#322
-This makeup is making me... -(car door closes)

#323
-(guttural throat clearing) -Okay.

#324
(gagging)

#325
(continues gagging)

#326
Hello there. I'm the valet.

#327
I'll take your car. (gags)

#328
-Oh, are you okay? -Oh, yeah.

#329
I'm-I'm... I'm fine. I'm aces. It's just...

#330
It's just that I got a little skin thing going on.

#331
But I-I... I may get sick, but it won't be clams.

#332
It won't be the clams, because if it was clams... (gags)

#333
...clams and I was sick, it would be all over the pavement.

#334
-(gagging) -Uh, uh, I'm sorry, but is there someone else

#335
-that can take my car from me? -No. No.

#336
-He's gone. He had a car accident. -An accident?

#337
-Oh, my God. Oh, geez. -Yeah. -(tires squealing)

#338
-(loud crash) -Oh. Oh. -Yeah, there it is.

#339
-That was it. Yeah. -God. Um... -(car alarm sounding)

#340
(retching loudly)

#341
(Frank grunts)

#342
-It's not the clams! -Oh! Uh, yeah.

#343
I'm telling you, it can't be the clams!

#344
It don't make no sense! No, don't go.

#345
-(retching) -(tires squealing)

#346
It's not the clams!

#347
(old man voice): * For the love of God *

#348
* Paddy, don't you see? *

#349
* Your love is all I ever wanted to be... *

#350
-"For me," idiot. -Uh...

#351
* Wanted for me.

#352
Ha.

#353
Okay. Then you do the...

#354
(sighs) Do we have to?

#355
Yeah, I mean. Yeah.

#356
Well, I don't know. Did you want the horn?

#357
(Charlie sighs)

#358
(quietly): Let's just get it over with.

#359
Plant one on me, Covington!

#360
(quietly): Goddamn it. Yeah.

#361
Yeah. (chuckles)

#362
Yeah, I-I'm looking here in the script,

#363
and it says that they kiss,

#364
"with the quivering lips of two souls desperate

#365
to taste the juices of passion."

#366
Did that seem like that to you guys?

#367
-No. -No.

#368
No, me, neither. Okay. So do that, then.

#369
-(beep) -(Irish accent): Gladly.

#370
("Endless Love" by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross playing)

#371
* My love *

#372
-* There's only you in my life * -(moaning)

#373
* The only thing that's bright... *

#374
(giggles): Yeah.

#375
Wow!

#376
(chuckles): Okay.

#377
Very nice. Way better than I was expecting.

#378
(beep, song stops)

#379
Goddamn bitch.

#380
(both spitting)

#381
-Goddamn bitch. -She's sick is what she is.

#382
-Yeah, she's sick. -That's a sick person right there.

#383
And I know we're supposed to be cool with this, 'cause, like,

#384
that's where society's headed, but I'm just-- I'm not there.

#385
-I'm not saying it's not right. -I'm not ready. I'm not ready.

#386
I'm saying I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it.

#387
What did you eat? Why am I getting a weird taste...

#388
-I had cheese. I thought-- Well, I wanted... -(groans)

#389
Well, now you know how it feels.

#390
Oh, I don't want to taste your cheese. It's weird...

#391
Well, I didn't want to taste your cheese, either.

#392
-(spitting, groaning) -(Mac exhales)

#393
-Hey. How'd it go with the valet? -We, uh, we struck out.

#394
-You what?! -No good... -Well, how are we gonna get

#395
in the woman's apartment without her key?

#396
We got to get in that apartment.

#397
We got to set that woman's clocks back.

#398
-DENNIS: What's going on with him? -Clams.

#399
-Where'd you get clams? -Did you eat bad clams, Frank?

#400
-No, don't. -DEE: Hey, guys. Ticktock back there!

#401
(groans) All right, just go finish the goddamn show.

#402
-Yeah, by the way, she made us kiss. -Yeah.

#403
-She made us kiss. -I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that.

#404
All right, let's just get out there.

#405
I don't want to be doing this all week.

#406
-Hey, you guys really did kiss? -Yeah, but don't get excited.

#407
-That's not fair. -But we didn't like it.

#408
-Just go. -Dennis, you should come out with us.

#409
-No, no, no. -Get out! Just go and finish the show.

#410
-Finish the show, all right? -I'm not kissing you.

#411
-Okay. -(Frank sighs)

#412
So, in this scene, Martina enters Tammy's massage parlor

#413
looking for a full-body rubdown.

#414
-What?! -Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

#415
And like all great plays,

#416
this one is going to have a happy ending.

#417
Yeah, that was clams.

#418
Oh, nothing like a day of bird-watching.

#419
So peaceful. So relaxing.

#420
-Wouldn't you agree? -Huh? Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

#421
-Really calming. -And, yeah, it's, uh...

#422
-It's great. -Birds are m-majestical.

#423
Ooh, fun bird fact.

#424
The ostrich's eyes are bigger than its brain.

#425
-Huh. -Do you have any thoughts on that?

#426
-That's... cool. -Good.

#427
-FRANK: Great bird. -It's a good bird. -Ostriches are good birds.

#428
Well, unfortunately, I have to take another piss.

#429
-I'll be back. -Okay. -Okay.

#430
See ya, Dee. We're just gonna look at...

#431
look for some more birds that we love.

#432
-Yeah, we'll keep on, uh... -Yeah, just gonna...

#433
Oh, my God, I want to scream "bird," I want to scream "bird."

#434
-I want to scream, "Bird! Bird!" -That would be so good.

#435
-Do you want me to do it for you, Dennis? -No.

#436
Don't do it. She's probably hiding behind a tree.

#437
Yeah. What's going on with you?

#438
Why are you so off your game today?

#439
Well, I-- Charlie has been outshining me all day,

#440
and I want to shine for you, Dennis, so I'm just...

#441
I haven't been outshining you. I was just throwing you looks

#442
because I wanted the candy, but I was gonna share it with you.

#443
-What candy? -Dennis has candy in his pocket.

#444
-Okay, guys, can we get back to talking about the plan? -You have candy?

#445
Look, w-we're getting off track here.

#446
-Dennis has candy? -CHARLIE: I heard it crinkle.

#447
-Yeah, I want that candy, man. -DENNIS: Yes, I have candy.

#448
All right? Of course I have candy.

#449
I keep candy in my pocket sometimes

#450
so that I can get Charlie's focus.

#451
It was working like a charm, man.

#452
I was zoned in on everything you were saying.

#453
Yes, I know it was working; the whole goddamn thing was working

#454
till Dee came through with this Dee Day bullshit.

#455
Are we gonna get the candy, or are you gonna keep it

#456
-in your pocket all day? -I'll have some candy. -Here's the candy.

#457
-Yeah! Yes, I knew it. -Oh, oh, oh! I want...

#458
All right, all right.

#459
-Wow. -Children. Children.

#460
-Good candy, good candy. -This is good candy.

#461
I don't need the candy anymore anyway,

#462
'cause I have a backup plan.

#463
We don't need the councilwoman's keys anymore

#464
to get into her house, because we have me. All right?

#465
So I'll peel off. I'll go seduce her.

#466
She'll invite me into her house,

#467
where I'll bang her as fast as I possibly can, and then,

#468
while she's cleaning up afterwards,

#469
I'll set all of her clocks back,

#470
causing her to sleep late and miss the boat, okay?

#471
So when Dee comes back, just tell her

#472
-I had to go take my shit. -CHARLIE: Nice, man. All right.

#473
-Watch out! -Hey.

#474
-Hey. -Where you rushing off to?

#475
-Oh, I-I got to take a shit. -Do ya?

#476
-Yeah. -Okay. I'll let you do that.

#477
-Okay. -But real quick first.

#478
I wanted to do something with you.

#479
-I really have to shit, Dee. -Yeah, this'll be fast.

#480
-What is that? -Oh, these are makeup wipes.

#481
So that you can remove your makeup.

#482
(chuckles) Makeup?

#483
I'm not wearing any makeup.

#484
Then it won't be an issue.

#485
I mean, I'm wearing a little bit of concealer.

#486
Is that what you're talking about having me remove?

#487
Well, I'm talking about the concealer, yes.

#488
But I'm talking about the rest of the makeup,

#489
the tape you have behind your jaw and your eyes.

#490
I'm talking about the hair paint.

#491
I'm talking about all of it.

#492
DEE: What a nice restaurant this is,

#493
filled with attractive, professional-looking people.

#494
You know what it is? It's the kind of place

#495
where you wouldn't want to stick out like a sore thumb.

#496
How are you liking it, Dennis?

#497
Yes, very nice.

#498
-Yeah? -(chuckles) Yes.

#499
Would you like to go introduce yourself to some ladies?

#500
No, uh, I-I'm okay. Uh, no.

#501
Okay. I'll go round some up and bring them to you.

#502
-No. -Yep.

#503
Hey, don't mind her, dude.

#504
Y-You look great.

#505
Holy shit. That's her.

#506
-Who? -The councilwoman.

#507
-She's right there. -CHARLIE: Who? Right there?

#508
-Right there. That's her. -Right there? Oh, shit.

#509
-Oh, my God, this is incredible. What are the odds? -That's her, yeah.

#510
Dee has no idea how good this is for us.

#511
-Dennis, go do your thing. -This is great.

#512
(stammers): No, I-I...

#513
-I can't. No. -Buddy,

#514
makeup or not, you are the Golden God.

#515
It's all about what's in here.

#516
Oh. Is your pec deflated?

#517
Sh-She took his pads out.

#518
-Yeah, he had... -Oh, your pec pads.

#519
-He had some pads. -No.

#520
Well, either way, man, you can do it. You're our only hope.

#521
-I can do this. -Yes. -Yeah.

#522
-Yeah, it's worth a shot. -Yeah!

#523
-That's the attitude. -Come on, man. -You're looking good.

#524
You got it. You got this. You got this.

#525
-You got this. You got this. -Go, go, go, go, go.

#526
-He ain't got this. -That's what his soul looks like.

#527
DENNIS: Hi.

#528
Did I frighten you?

#529
Sorry.

#530
Uh, I'm not, I'm not, uh... I'm Dennis.

#531
Do you like hard candy?

#532
I have candies. Oh, you know what?

#533
Actually, I don't. Scratch that. I...

#534
I threw all the hard candies at those idiot children.

#535
Uh...

#536
Oysters or clams?

#537
-Excuse me? -Oysters, obviously.

#538
(chuckles) You know?

#539
-Mm. -Plus, like, they-they--

#540
You can, you can get sick off clams.

#541
Like, I got real sick off clams when I was, like...

#542
Anything can make you throw up

#543
if you're, if you're, uh... if it's gone bad.

#544
You know, my dad was, like, throwing up off--

#545
He's not really my dad, but you know.

#546
Yeah.

#547
But anyway, it's oysters for me. (chuckles)

#548
-(clears throat softly) -Um...

#549
Hey, uh, you know what? I just realized.

#550
We don't have a lot of time, so let's--

#551
We should get this over with. Can I get your house key?

#552
-What? -We don't,

#553
uh, have to have sex like this.

#554
I can, I can... I can put another man's face on.

#555
If you give me your house key, I can go to your house

#556
and put on some of your makeup...

#557
-Get away from me. -Well, hold on a second.

#558
Um, uh, we-- I'm supposed to be taking a shit right now.

#559
-And so-- Yeah. -Dennis.

#560
What are you doing to this woman?

#561
Uh, it was my turn to take a shit,

#562
and then I was gonna do it with her.

#563
I am so sorry about him. Okay?

#564
This man is clearly a monster,

#565
and he will be punished accordingly.

#566
G-Go wait for me over there, monster.

#567
We'll find another woman.

#568
It's Dee Day.

#569
CHARLIE: Just so you know, you look...

#570
a lot better now, but you looked fine.

#571
I just don't look good when I haven't got enough sleep.

#572
And I got a little nap in, so, you know, I'm back.

#573
-Huh. -Anyway,

#574
I bet you the city council's voted already.

#575
-Dying to figure out which way they voted. -MAC: Oh, dude.

#576
It doesn't matter. Like, the bird bitch ruined everything.

#577
-We had a plan. We had... -Shh. Keep your voice down.

#578
We may have lost this one, but the most important thing

#579
is that we don't get another Dee Day.

#580
Oh, man. That's, like, the 20th piss I took today.

#581
-Oh, yeah? -Well, hey, it's important

#582
-to stay hydrated. -Yeah.

#583
Knock it off. Looks like you guys are gonna make it.

#584
And I have to say, I am very impressed that you were able

#585
to focus on anything other than yourselves for one entire day.

#586
-Well, Dee, it's been a real pleasure. -CHARLIE: Uh, we haven't

#587
-made it yet, so... -FRANK: We've enjoyed it. -It's been really great.

#588
And Dee Day ends officially in

#589
three, two, one.

#590
-(clock chiming, cuckooing) -(Frank sighs)

#591
All right, let me have it. Pile it on me.

#592
-News. -Pile it on me. -TV. TV. Yeah, put the...

#593
-Channel 7. Channel 7. -Put the news on. Put the news on.

#594
-What are you doing? -What channel? What channel?

#595
-S-Seven? Seven? -Yeah, it might be.

#596
-(news theme plays) -In a stunning upset,

#597
local ordinance LC-103 passed today.

#598
The controversial proposal

#599
actually legalizes public urination.

#600
-It passed! It passed! -(excited yelling) -It passed! It passed!

#601
It passed!

#602
-(men cheering, laughing) -Oh!

#603
-It passed anyway. -Nice!

#604
What passed?

#605
Dee, we have been working for weeks

#606
on a very intricate plan

#607
to ensure the passage of that ordinance.

#608
Yeah. All we had to do was stop one city councilwoman

#609
-from voting, that was it. -Yeah, yeah. So we had

#610
this ingenious plan to, uh, get ahold of her keys,

#611
sneak into her house and, uh, turn all of her clocks back,

#612
-mess with her phones a little bit or whatever... -It was a good plan.

#613
...so that she would sleep too late, she would miss the vote,

#614
-and the ordinance would pass, and it passed! -(Dennis and Charlie laugh)

#615
We knew that she would be the one dissenting vote.

#616
-So we had to stop her. -Yeah.

#617
-How? -Oh, well, it's a group--

#618
-Uh, well, yeah. -There it is.

#619
CHARLIE: It's all men and she was the one lady.

#620
-MAC: Men are free once again... -FRANK: We are free!

#621
...to relieve themselves where God intended.

#622
You guys are idiots!

#623
That's the most ludicrous thing I've ever even heard.

#624
Why didn't you just go and slash her tires, like,

#625
five minutes before she had to leave for the meeting?

#626
-Oh. Oh. -What? Oh, yeah, just do that.

#627
-(laughing) -Okay, yeah, just do that. -Yeah, sure.

#628
Dee, you know what? You don't get it. Okay?

#629
Women will never understand what it's like to be a man.

#630
Like, we just, like, we need to piss in public, okay?

#631
-We need to hatch plans (laughs) that actually work. -(Charlie laughing)

#632
Dee, your plan would not have worked.

#633
Oh, yeah? My plan did work, jackass.

#634
I got close enough to the councilwoman in the restaurant

#635
to steal her wallet, got her address,

#636
and then replaced the wallet without her seeing.

#637
And then, in the middle of the night

#638
when I told you guys I was going to "take a shit"

#639
like you were doing all goddamn day,

#640
I snuck over and I slashed her tires.

#641
You did? Why?

#642
Did you see how many times I peed today?

#643
I have a teeny, tiny, little bladder.

#644
I want to be able to pee on the street if I have to.

#645
-Oh! You? -Ugh! Gross. -In front of us?

#646
-Just out there in the public? -A woman? -Squat?

#647
-Dee, you nasty. -DENNIS: Nasty.

#648
-Dee, you n... -(laughs): She's so nasty.

#649
No, you know what? You guys are just pissed

#650
-because I outsmarted you. -Oh, you outsmarted us?

#651
-You're embarrassed. -Dee, (chuckles) you spent the entirety of Dee Day

#652
coming up with a plan that eventually led

#653
to us getting exactly what we want, so...

#654
-We scored. -You're a stupid bird.

#655
Don't even bother trying to explain it to her.

#656
Her tiny bird brain will never get it.

#657
DENNIS: Birds don't understand plans.

#658
What about this one? Dee's a bird.

#659
-(laughs) -That's a good one.

#660
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#661
Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh.

#662
You should all probably check your phones.

#663
-DENNIS and CHARLIE: Why? -Oh, I don't know.

#664
Just 'cause I pushed the cuckoo clock ahead an hour.

#665
(clock chimes)

#666
No. Shut up.

#667
Here's the problem, guys.

#668
You just insulted me on Dee Day.

#669
-No. -No, no, no, no. God. -Oh, no, wait...

#670
You know what that earns you?

#671
Another day of Dee.

#672
-Oh, no! -No, no, no, no, no! -(shouting)

#673
-(air horn blaring) -(yelling)

#674
-* I... * -* I... *

#675
* I want to share *

#676
* All my love *

#677
* With you *

#678
* No one else will do *

#679
* And your eyes *

#680
* Your eyes, your eyes *

#681
* They tell me how much you care *

#682
* Oh, yes. *

#683
(trio chanting backwards)

#684
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

#685
WOMAN: I want to thank you for joining the focus group.

#686
-(crashing) -I just want to say thanks to the suits back there

#687
for allowing us to be here.

#688
He thinks that's a two-way mirror.

#689
ANNOUNCER: All-new Sunny.

#690
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.

#691
(deep voices chanting) I... know... more.

#692
I think I'd make a great drag queen. Like, for real.

#693
But the one time I tried it, I looked so much like my mom, it scared me.

#694
And I was sexy as hell.

#695
(deep voices chanting)

#696
I'm Brittany's dad.

#697
I work in the security industry.

#698
Have you ever killed anybody?

#699
Uh, once.

#700
I'm just kiddin', mate. I'm just kiddin'.

#701
(hard rock music plays)

#702
(male vocalist growls)

#703
(singing in Spanish)

#704
-La sangre... -Es la sangre.

#705
ANNOUNCER: Mayans. All new Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

#706
(chattering)

#707
(breathing heavily)

#708
(screaming)

#709
ANNOUNCER: AHS 1984.

#710
Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX.

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