Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S14E05 — The Gang Texts

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 14, Episode 5 — The Gang Texts

#1
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Philadelphia Zoo.

#2
- Just a reminder that... - Damn it. Where is Frank?

#3
I'm not missing this lion feeding.

#4
Oh, lions are cool, man.

#5
For sure. But, you know, the best exhibit's

#6
- the meerkats. You know? - Meerkats!

#7
Hey, man, you know, they have those bubbles,

#8
you know, where you can pop your head up out of the ground

#9
- and look around. - Yeah, you're looking around.

#10
It's like you are a meerkat.

#11
No, I'm not waiting for Frank. I'm-I'm just gonna go in.

#12
- No. - 'Cause I-I don't want to wait here for the guy.

#13
I know. But I think we should...

#14
I really feel like we need to stick together.

#15
- Huh? - Dee, will you calm down? She got lost at the zoo

#16
- when we were seven. It's fine. - I-I got trampled

#17
- by wild animals at the zoo when I was seven. - Sheep.

#18
- At the petting zoo. - Goats!

#19
- It was. - You don't have to worry about that. Okay, guys?

#20
Because modern technology has figured this out for us.

#21
We're all connected now.

#22
That is why I started this group text chain.

#23
You know? So we can stay in constant communication.

#24
I'm just gonna hit up Frank real quick,

#25
and we'll find out what's up.

#26
Guys, this way, nobody is gonna get lost,

#27
because the texting keeps us all on the same page.

#28
- Okay. - Oh. Well, see, there you go.

#29
- Frank's five minutes away. - Great. - No, no, no.

#30
No, everybody knows that "five min away"

#31
actually means 20 minutes away, okay?

#32
I'm not missing this live feeding, okay?

#33
Dude, why the big deal about watching a-a lion

#34
eat a pile of dead meat?

#35
Oh, no, no, no. Wrong. Alive.

#36
Okay? Quite alive, I assure you.

#37
- That's a thing? Zoos do that? - That's a thing.

#38
- _ - What's this?

#39
- Dennis has a boner? He does? - Yes.

#40
- No, he doesn't. - Well, goddamn it, he did.

#41
I did. It's gone now.

#42
Uh, do we have to do this whole texting thing?

#43
- I mean, Dee's already annoying. - She's always been annoying, Charlie.

#44
That's why we ditched her when she was seven.

#45
- You... ditched me? - Oh, shut up, Dee. Shut up!

#46
God, don't make this all about you.

#47
- I'm-I'm going in. I don't-I don't want to wait. - Well, then I'm gonna

#48
- go with you, 'cause I don't want to get ditched again. - Fine. Whatever.

#49
- Yeah, we'll catch up with you. - Look, look, look.

#50
And just text us when he gets here.

#51
Who? Frank?

#52
Yes, Frank. Who else would we be talking about?

#53
Oh, well, I just want to make sure

#54
- we're all on the same page. - Oh, my God.

#55
Text us when Frank gets here!

#56
Huh?!

#57
- Frank. Text... - Frank! What? Text us! Text us!

#58
Text us when Frank gets here!

#59
I can't... I can't... You know what?

#60
- I can't... Let me just... I'm-a... - Text 'em now.

#61
I'm gonna text y... Check your phone!

#62
I'm gonna text you!

#63
_

#64
- God, I'm so thirsty. - Yeah.

#65
Well, that's the cinnamon in the churro.

#66
- That'll make you thirsty. - You know what?

#67
I'm gonna... I'm gonna update the group.

#68
Why are you texting that?

#69
Oh, well, I just wanted to, uh, update the group on my status.

#70
Yeah, but that's, like, a sexual thing, man.

#71
That means you're thirsting for something,

#72
which means you're horny for it.

#73
Dennis is funny with the texts, man.

#74
Huh.

#75
Aw, come on. Too late, Dee.

#76
Goddamn it. Where is Frank?

#77
I'm just... You know what? I'm just gonna text him again,

#78
'cause I don't know what the hell's going on.

#79
Where you be?

#80
Huh. What does that mean? He's...

#81
- It's a dancing woman, a smiley face and a gun. - Oh.

#82
I know what that means.

#83
He's stuck behind a woman driver and he wants to shoot himself.

#84
- Oh. - Mm-hmm.

#85
All right. Well, I'm just gonna update everybody.

#86
- "Late." - Yeah, but come on, man.

#87
You keep sending updates with no new information.

#88
No, no, I'm just keeping the whole group updated

#89
the way a meerkat might.

#90
Yeah, but a meerkat's efficient in how it updates.

#91
You know what I mean? Like, one little chirp,

#92
it can warn a whole group of, like, an eagle or whatever.

#93
It doesn't need to, like, chirp over

#94
and over and over again, you know?

#95
I-I'm sorry, a-are you schooling me on meerkat knowledge?

#96
- Seems like I have to. - Oh, oh, is that right?

#97
Well, first of all, smarty-pants,

#98
they don't chirp. They chirrup.

#99
Oh, yeah? You think you know a ton about the meerkat?

#100
Well, did you know that the alpha pair will scent-mark

#101
the subordinate to show that it's the leader?

#102
If they find the weak one, they start pissing all over it.

#103
Yes. Of course I know that, Charlie.

#104
We watched the same documentary.

#105
By the way, I'm not the one that passed out halfway through

#106
and scent-marked all over himself.

#107
- I drank a case of beer, man. - So did I.

#108
I also drank a case of beer, and I didn't piss myself.

#109
All I'm saying is you don't have to text, like,

#110
every three seconds, you know?

#111
Aw, goddamn it. Where is Frank? I just...

#112
- You're gonna text it again? - Yeah, I'm gonna...

#113
- I just got to make sure everybody knows. - It just means that you're...

#114
you want... you're horny. Oh.

#115
Ah, Dennis g... Dennis nailed it.

#116
- What-what does that mean? - A peach is a butt.

#117
You're horny for a butt.

#118
- I'm-I'm horny for a butt? - 'Cause you're gay. - FRANK: Hey-o!

#119
- Sorry I'm late. I had... - Oh.

#120
...had to get a bag of bananas so I could taunt the gorilla.

#121
It took you two hours to get bananas?

#122
Yeah, well, I was stuck behind that woman driver.

#123
I thought I texted you that.

#124
Yeah, we got that.

#125
- Let's just go inside. - I...

#126
Aw, c... Too late, Dee. Come on.

#127
- She sucks. - Pick up the pace with it,

#128
- you know? - She sucks.

#129
- I texted a peach. - I already did that, Dee.

#130
Oh, yeah. There it is.

#131
You know, speed's very important in comedy texting, Dee.

#132
If it looks like you thought about it for a while, it's pretty lame.

#133
- Yeah. I know. - Yeah.

#134
Ooh, you know what I'll do? I'll do a fist. Right?

#135
So it's like he's thirsty for a fist in the butt.

#136
I don't think anybody's gonna get that.

#137
You know? Plus, the moment is long gone. I mean...

#138
Goddamn it. What...

#139
No, that... I was wrong. That was funny. I...

#140
Oh, Dee.

#141
Well, you guys are too fast on this thing.

#142
_

#143
- Don't answer. I got this. - Let me just...

#144
- I can... No, no! No. - But you're... Okay, go, go.

#145
I got it, I got it. Okay.

#146
What's a... funny thing I can...

#147
Oh, my God. Stop. I...

#148
- _ - _

#149
- Go. - Well, I mean...

#150
- Look at that. - Yeah, but...

#151
- Quick. Concise. Job done. - Whatever.

#152
- Okay. - No confusion.

#153
- All right. Sea lions, here we are. - Okay.

#154
- All right. Where are they? - Yeah.

#155
I don't know.

#156
- _ - _

#157
- Mm? - Wait a minute.

#158
- He said in front. He's not in front. - Eh.

#159
- Exhibit ent... - Entrance?

#160
Oh, come on. I got to go rescue these guys

#161
at the exhibit entrance? Excuse me, sir?

#162
Sir? Yeah.

#163
Um, h-how long do we have till the lion begins feeding?

#164
Uh, we're five minutes out.

#165
Five minutes out? Okay. Thank you, thank you. All right.

#166
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. I don't want to get lost.

#167
No, I will not adjust my gait to accommodate

#168
your weird insecurities about sheep.

#169
It was a goat, and it was a lunatic.

#170
- Its eyes were going in every direction. - Oh, were they? Fascinating.

#171
- Tell me more! - He pounced on me,

#172
and then all of his friends moved in for the kill.

#173
- Ooh! Terrifying. Ooh! - Don't do that.

#174
It was so scary!

#175
_

#176
- Oh. - What does that mean?

#177
Shit, he's-he's having fun without us.

#178
No, no, no, no, no, no. Mac, that's sarcastic.

#179
If he was having fun, it would have an exclamation point.

#180
I'm gonna de-escalate. I'm gonna de-escalate.

#181
- Probably pissed he can't find us. - Wait.

#182
_

#183
- Oh, shit. - What does that mean?

#184
- Oh... - That's not g... What it means is

#185
that he's already given the information

#186
and he doesn't want to have to repeat himself.

#187
- So you got to scroll up and see. - So, what... Scroll up.

#188
- Scroll up. - Dennis hates to repeat himself.

#189
Well, let's find what he's...

#190
Ah.

#191
"Went to C lions."

#192
Oh. Shit.

#193
Dude, do you think he went to the sea lions

#194
or he went to go see the lion?

#195
- Ooh... - Oh. I don't know.

#196
I don't know. Let me ask.

#197
_

#198
Oh. Yeah, yeah, I...

#199
What'd you get wrong there?

#200
_

#201
_

#202
- Sea. Um... - Dude, just let me, all right?

#203
- Well, it's-it's the predictive te... - It's better...

#204
it's better with pictures.

#205
- Went to sea lion or... - Lions.

#206
...see a lion?

#207
Right.

#208
_

#209
- Oh. He's mad. - Oh, no, but... -Yeah.

#210
- No. - No, it's got an exclamation point.

#211
- That means it's happy. - No, it's all... - He's-he's screaming at you.

#212
- Yeah, it's all caps. - It's all caps. -Screaming?

#213
- Yeah. That's not good. - That's...

#214
- _ - What is this?

#215
- What-what is... - What does that mean?

#216
What does that mean? I don't know. Dee-Dee sucks, man.

#217
- I don't know. - She-she sucks.

#218
All right, watch this.

#219
How about that with the eggplant?

#220
- Oh. Ooh. We're coming. - All right, let's go.

#221
- All right, let's go. - Yeah.

#222
Oh, yeah. "We're coming."

#223
Charlie made it work.

#224
- Oh. - Nice. Nice.

#225
Idiots went to the wrong exhibit.

#226
All right, let-let-let's get back there.

#227
I don't want to miss anything. Come on.

#228
Okay. All right. Well, stop walking like...

#229
Hey, pal. How's it going?

#230
Uh... where's the lion?

#231
- Are we close? Are we close? - Oh.

#232
Yeah, you just missed it. Yeah, he's fed.

#233
- He's back in his cage. - Oh.

#234
He ate the kill? He-he devoured the kill?

#235
- And I wasn't here? - No, the feeding. Yeah, yeah.

#236
- You just missed it. It was awesome. - No.

#237
Man, you said we were five minutes out.

#238
- Yeah, right. - Yeah, but that was only ten minutes ago.

#239
C-Correct.

#240
No, but nobody does it that way.

#241
The five minutes means 20 minutes, man. You can't...

#242
- It's the whole reason I'm here! - Uh...

#243
Yeah, I don't know what to tell you.

#244
Hey, man. You missed it. It was awesome.

#245
- Uh-huh. Yeah. - Oh.

#246
- _ - Uh...

#247
Oh, oh. He's thanking us for something, so that's good.

#248
Dude, how are you so bad at this, man?

#249
He probably missed the feeding. He's blaming us.

#250
- Yeah. - What?

#251
Shit. You think?

#252
- Yeah. - Probably.

#253
No. Hold on.

#254
I'm just gonna send him something real quick

#255
- _ - and make sure everything's all good.

#256
- Mm. - Oh, yeah.

#257
He says he's great, so we're fine.

#258
Dude.

#259
- He's screaming at you, man. - Yeah.

#260
Screaming?

#261
Dude, this whole texting thing is your idea,

#262
and you don't know how texting works?

#263
No, he's... He just did it in all capitals.

#264
- That's screaming. - That's a scream.

#265
- That's what you do when you're screaming. - That's not scream...

#266
This is just all one big misunderstanding

#267
due to the sea lions, all right? I know what to do.

#268
I'm just gonna speak from the heart.

#269
Let me just text s-something from the heart

#270
that he's gonna understand, something a little bit...

#271
- All right. - Mmm.

#272
Smell good.

#273
Not really normal to the... if I...

#274
- Come on. - Is there a...?

#275
What rhymes with "limber"? What rhymes with it?

#276
- Hinder. - How do you not get "timber"?

#277
- Timber. - Timber. And...

#278
- Oh. Salutations. - And send.

#279
- Okay. - Ah, dude.

#280
So, let's just give him a chance.

#281
He's probably gonna take some time and respond to...

#282
- Oh! - No, he responded.

#283
- Yeah. - Uh, "K."

#284
- You're dead to him. - Yeah, he's blowing you off, man.

#285
- "K" means "okay." - He is pissed, dude. - "K."

#286
- Yeah. - He is... - "K" means "okay."

#287
- No. - He didn't even bother to read your thing!

#288
- He just sent "K." - How could he possibly read that whole...?

#289
- He read it! - He is pissed off at you.

#290
- Dennis is the fastest reader in America. - Can we just...?

#291
Oh, now he's calling me.

#292
- He's calling? - Oh, good. Good, good, yeah.

#293
You could just text, but no. Call me, call me!

#294
- I want to hear from you. - Okay. You're gonna like this.

#295
_

#296
- Uh, what is that? - I called him the "F" word.

#297
It's a bundle of sticks.

#298
No. Dee, no. You can't do that. That's not funny.

#299
Okay, y-you can't say that word.

#300
I didn't say the word. I did the pictures.

#301
But it doesn't matter. That's offensive, okay?

#302
And it's off-putting, and it's not a good color on you.

#303
Blue? You're gonna go blue? Don't go blue.

#304
That tells me that you're just not funny at all.

#305
_

#306
- Yeah. - What?

#307
Frank nailing it again.

#308
What's so funny about what you did?

#309
Well, it works on two levels, Dee.

#310
It-it says that, uh, Frank's on fire

#311
and also that, uh, Mac is a raging flamer,

#312
which is still totally acceptable, for now.

#313
I have an idea. I have an idea. Check this out.

#314
What is that?

#315
I'm joking that maybe we should get the Jew lawyer

#316
and have an arbitration about what words we can and can't use

#317
to describe Mac's sexuality.

#318
Cool! Super funny

#319
and not the least bit anti-Semitic.

#320
You get it! You get it.

#321
Should we just get out of here?

#322
- Let's do that. - Yeah. Well, hold on.

#323
Well, okay, but hang on.

#324
Wait, Dennis. Hey, excuse me.

#325
Whoa! Whoa, whoa. Dennis, wait, wait,

#326
wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay. Where'd you go?

#327
Where'd you go? Oh, no.

#328
Oh, no.

#329
Dennis!

#330
Why won't Dennis answer my calls?

#331
Dude, who cares? Man, I'm so sick of this texting shit.

#332
- Come on. - It's like we're not even enjoying the zoo, man.

#333
- No see no animals. - "Missed your calls."

#334
- That's what it is. - Jesus Christ.

#335
- Oh, dude, he... - He missed them.

#336
- He's lying to you. - He's avoiding you.

#337
Look, can we just go see the meerkats?

#338
Please? Let's just drop it.

#339
We'll go to the meerkats. We'll have fun.

#340
I want to go taunt the gorillas before they get fed

#341
and they're not hungry anymore.

#342
Why do you even want to taunt a gorilla? What is that?

#343
Oh, it's hysterical.

#344
I sit there, eat a banana real slow,

#345
and he comes up to the glass,

#346
and he's banging on the glass like the dumb ape he is.

#347
It will bang its hands bloody trying to get the banana.

#348
How is that funny?

#349
It's funny 'cause he can't get the banana.

#350
All right, dude. You know what?

#351
Go ahead. Go taunt the gorillas, all right?

#352
But I'm going to the meerkats. I'm not going with you.

#353
Suit yourself.

#354
All right, can we just go to the meer...? What are you doing now?

#355
- What is this? - I'm just sending one last text.

#356
You're gonna send another gi... Another gi...

#357
- Okay, it's gonna take a little bit of... Oh! - Oh.

#358
Oh, he read that so fast.

#359
- He didn't read it at all! - I think...

#360
Dude, he doesn't want to talk to you!

#361
Can we just please go to the meerkats, dude?

#362
No. You know what I'm gonna do?

#363
I'm just gonna hang out in the bathroom for a while.

#364
You're gonna hang out in the bathroom?

#365
- Yeah, for a while. - Why?

#366
It's a gay thing, so you really wouldn't understand.

#367
- What? - Yeah, you know, it's, like,

#368
bathrooms at zoos are, like,

#369
big Grindr spots for closeted dads.

#370
Dude, I know what's up here. You're ditching me, man.

#371
You're-you're ditching me

#372
so you can go beg forgiveness from Dennis, dude.

#373
- It's so pathetic, man. - No, I am not, Charlie.

#374
- It's so pathetic, dude. Dude, you're no meerkat. - I am not!

#375
- I'm not doing th... I am a... Don't... - I'll tell you...

#376
You're not a meerkat.

#377
- Don't be... - Meerkats stick together, Mac!

#378
Don't be like that, Charlie.

#379
Of course I'm a meerkat, all right?

#380
Bullshit! Then why aren't you hanging with me?!

#381
I just want to go meet my needs real quick...

#382
What about the needs of the group, Mac?

#383
I'm gonna meet the needs of the group, Charlie, after that,

#384
but I just feel like... Are you...

#385
are you pissing on me?!

#386
- Yeah. - Oh, uh...

#387
Direct eye contact?

#388
Yeah!

#389
- Your neck's very high. - Yeah.

#390
- Okay, I'm done. - Oh.

#391
Don't look at me.

#392
_

#393
_

#394
_

#395
_

#396
_

#397
Goddamn it!

#398
_

#399
_

#400
Dennis.

#401
Y-You came to talk to me.

#402
Unless this is, like, a Grindr situation?

#403
I came to piss.

#404
Look, man, I know that you're mad at me,

#405
but when you said that thing about "C lions,"

#406
- Charlie was like... - Oh, that's a lie.

#407
That's just a lie, because Charlie can't read.

#408
All right, it was all my fault, but it was an honest mistake.

#409
One thing, Mac.

#410
I mean, I came here to see one goddamn thing,

#411
and you ruined it with your texting nonsense.

#412
Yes, but I have some new information.

#413
There's going to be another live feeding.

#414
- Go on. - Yeah.

#415
A goat is to be sacrificed.

#416
I heard an employee in here. He was talking about it.

#417
- Now, I offered to blow him, but he was like, "Nah, I'm..." - Goat?

#418
That's some Jurassic Park shit. I like it.

#419
But if you're gonna join me,

#420
you must follow my every command because, I swear to God,

#421
if you make me miss this one, too,

#422
I will feed you to the lions myself.

#423
Okay.

#424
Are you pissing on me?

#425
Yeah.

#426
You guys grinding?

#427
- Ah. - _

#428
Hey! Where you a...

#429
Where you at, you big, dumb baboon?

#430
Huh?

#431
Uh, excuse me.

#432
Excuse me. Where's the, uh...

#433
- Where's the big animal? The... Uh. - _

#434
Ah. Annoying bird.

#435
- The what? - Nah.

#436
No, it's just the phones are... they're so distracting.

#437
Now, where's the big, dumb, you know, the ape, the animal?

#438
The-the-the silverback?

#439
Yeah, the dummy. Yeah.

#440
Yeah. Uh, well, that's Andy. Uh, Andy...

#441
- Andy the dummy. - Yeah.

#442
- He can be pretty shy. - Yeah... He can be... Yeah.

#443
So, yeah. So, sometimes you have to

#444
- look to find him 'cause... - Ah... Oh, excuse me.

#445
- _ - What does this bitch...

#446
What is she talking about?

#447
I...

#448
Hey! Hey!

#449
Hey!

#450
You big, dumb... Where's my bananas?!

#451
Son of a...

#452
You bastard!

#453
Give me those bananas!

#454
Come on.

#455
_

#456
_

#457
_

#458
_

#459
_

#460
Learn to read, idiot.

#461
_

#462
Goddamn it!

#463
Okay.

#464
So, this should be getting started any minute.

#465
I'm gonna drop a quick pin because I think the guys

#466
- are gonna want to see this. - Yeah.

#467
You know, I got to say, something feels a little off

#468
to me a-about all this. W-Why are we in the exhibit?

#469
That doesn't feel safe, you know.

#470
And why are a bunch of children in the exhibit as well?

#471
Yes, that does seem a little strange, doesn't it?

#472
Hi-hi. Uh, sir? Excuse me.

#473
Uh, yeah.

#474
When is the goat to be slaughtered?

#475
Excuse me?

#476
When is the goat going to be fed to the lion?

#477
Uh, my friend engaged in a sexual exchange for information

#478
and was told there was going to be a sacrifice.

#479
Well, he tried but I said no.

#480
- Oh, that's... - It's not what you think.

#481
I think there's been some miscommunication.

#482
This is the-the petting zoo.

#483
We're feeding the goats. We're not slaughtering them.

#484
Uh...

#485
- Dennis, I, uh... - It's fine.

#486
No, it's fine, Mac.

#487
This is all fine.

#488
- Why don't we just go to the next exhibit. - Oh.

#489
Cool. Yeah, I thought you were actually gonna be upset with me.

#490
Dennis?

#491
Dennis?!

#492
Dennis? Dennis!

#493
_

#494
- Here you go, ma'am. Have fun. - Huh? What?

#495
- No. What's this? - Okay, kids.

#496
Let's go!

#497
What?

#498
No, get away from me.

#499
No. God, please help me!

#500
_

#501
_

#502
_

#503
_

#504
_

#505
_

#506
- Oh! - Meerkats! Meerkats!

#507
- That was amazing! - I knew what you were saying

#508
- by the looks on your faces. - Yeah. -Yeah.

#509
Hey, guys. I-I felt connected to you for the first time today.

#510
Yeah, see, that's what it's all about.

#511
- You know what I mean? - Dude, Charlie,

#512
that smile said a thousand words, you know?

#513
It was like, "I told you so,"

#514
but also, "I forgive you." I understood everything.

#515
- Yeah, I forgave you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I could tell, Mac,

#516
by the look on your face, that you really were sorry

#517
- about me having to miss that lion feeding. - Mm-hmm.

#518
And I-I really appreciated that, bro.

#519
See, that's the thing, you know?

#520
Like, even though we were texting all day

#521
and we were in constant communication,

#522
I don't really think we were communicating at all.

#523
- That's a real form of communi... - Yeah, I am getting one, though.

#524
- Yeah, me, too. - I do want to... Bowling ball,

#525
water, eggplant, queen...

#526
Oh, Frank is pissing on Mac. Very good.

#527
- Yeah. - Yes, I am.

#528
- Yeah, yeah. - Come on.

#529
- Oh, he is! - He is for real.

#530
- Nice one. - That's a great text, Dee. - Thank you.

#531
- Oh, ah... You want a great text? I'm gonna... - _

#532
- No, no, Dee... Dee beat you to it. - Yeah.

#533
Huh? What do you think?

#534
Well, then, I'm gonna do one from the heart.

#535
- I'm gonna do one from the heart. - You liked it for real?

#536
Oh, Mac, I like that. What is that?

#537
I mean, they are... they're just funny.

#538
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com

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