Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S14E06 — The Janitor Always Mops Twice

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 14, Episode 6 — The Janitor Always Mops Twice

#1
_

#2
- _ - I suppose I should start at the end.

#3
- _ - My end, that is.

#4
That poor sap doing the two-step to nowhere is me.

#5
Bet you're wondering how I got into this mess.

#6
Well, like most stories, it started with a white lie

#7
and ended with the dark truth.

#8
I needed a hospital, I needed a day off,

#9
I needed a pretty girl with soft lips and a nursing degree.

#10
What I had was a mop, a bucket, and a bellyful of regret.

#11
_

#12
So, how does an honest man end up spilling his guts

#13
on a dive bar floor?

#14
Don't ask me, pal. I'm just the janitor.

#15
_

#16
Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com

#17
Let's go back to when it all began.

#18
It was a wet Tuesday night, half past closing time,

#19
when the drunks wobble home to their beds

#20
and punch their tickets to an all-night ceiling-go-round.

#21
I had already finished my shift,

#22
or maybe it had finished me.

#23
See, that morning I got called to a crime scene

#24
in the men's bathroom.

#25
The victim? A handicap stall.

#26
The murderer? A butt.

#27
But whose butt?

#28
That, my friends, was the hundred-dollar question.

#29
Ah, the hell with it.

#30
And that's when trouble walked in like it always does,

#31
on a great set of legs.

#32
I got a job for you.

#33
- Not interested. - Well, I ain't asking.

#34
Somebody spilled, and I don't mean to the Feds.

#35
So? You know where we keep the mop.

#36
- I'm knocking off. - Knocking off?

#37
- Or knocking back? - Beat it, Stretch.

#38
- I said I'm off the clock. - Oh. Want it the hard way, huh?

#39
Says he won't do it.

#40
Ah, we got a tough guy, eh?

#41
Hey, Charlie, don't make me mop the floor with you, huh?

#42
Boy, has he got you trained. All that for a whistle?

#43
I wonder what you'd do for a biscuit.

#44
Biscuit? Why, you little...

#45
Don't worry. In five minutes,

#46
he'll be up and chasing his tail again.

#47
You're gonna mop that floor, Charlie, or else.

#48
You see, the bar's been rented out tomorrow

#49
for a private party.

#50
Bigwig. Deep pockets.

#51
You know the type.

#52
If those floors aren't up to snuff,

#53
who do you think he'll blame?

#54
The handsome bartender?

#55
Or the mop jockey in the coveralls?

#56
See you around, Charlie.

#57
Mop the floor. That's easy enough.

#58
Only it never stays mopped.

#59
That's the thing about messes.

#60
They never go away,

#61
only spread around.

#62
Well, hello, sweetheart.

#63
You know, they say any port in a storm,

#64
and this port just... Ah, shit, it's you!

#65
Charlie, come quick. Something awful, just awful's happened.

#66
It's Frank. He's been diarrhea-poisoned.

#67
- Diarrhea-poisoned? - Mm-hmm.

#68
His words, not mine. He's stuck at my place.

#69
He's absolutely carpet-bombed my bathroom. And my carpet.

#70
- Huh. Lot of that going around. - Hmm.

#71
Well, why didn't Frank call me himself?

#72
Why send one of his goons?

#73
What? I'm no goon.

#74
- No? - No. I...

#75
I'm a knockout blonde with a body

#76
that would make a statue blush.

#77
I get more of a goon vibe from you.

#78
All right, go...

#79
Can you just come and get him, please?

#80
And also clean my apartment?

#81
I'll make it worth your while.

#82
Ah, sure, I catch.

#83
Either I take the job, or you and the other goons

#84
- play patty-cake with my kidneys. - Goddamn it!

#85
I'm not a...

#86
I'll buy you a new set of rags.

#87
Hey, that's all you had to say. Let me get my hat.

#88
He's in the bedroom. Here, take a smoke.

#89
It smells like shit in there.

#90
All right. I'll also take a drink.

#91
Make it stiff enough to stand on its head

#92
and sing "Oh! Susanna".

#93
You can have tap.

#94
Ooh. Boy.

#95
Charlie. What are you doing here? Who sent you?

#96
Well, you're in the hot seat, so I'll ask the questions.

#97
- Who poisoned you? - Nobody.

#98
- Bad shrimp. - What? No.

#99
No, this morning you barged in here saying, "They got me.

#100
"I've been diarrhea-poisoned.

#101
The rat bastard liquefied my guts".

#102
That sounds like you.

#103
Quit flapping your gums, goon!

#104
- Yeah. - All right, you know what?

#105
- Just, whatever. Here. - You're giving off

#106
- big goon vibes, Dee. - All right. Uh...

#107
- Very goonish. - Just don't ruin my chair.

#108
Goddamn it.

#109
All right, Frank, you don't want to talk names?

#110
Let's talk about the weather instead.

#111
Where were you when the brown lightning hit?

#112
I was on my way to work. I bumped into a dope fiend.

#113
He must have stuck me with a needle.

#114
Don't be a liar, Frankie-Boy, or your pants will catch on fire.

#115
Or they would, if you were wearing any pants.

#116
No, my guess is, it started some time last night

#117
when you were locking up Paddy's.

#118
You waited out the shit storm in the handicap stall.

#119
When I came in in the morning, you fled the scene,

#120
hightailed it to the nearest apartment... Dee's...

#121
only your pants didn't make the trip. How am I doing?

#122
So that means

#123
whoever got to you got to you last night.

#124
So who was it, Frank?

#125
Lay off it, gum-scraper. I'm warning you.

#126
Sorry, chum.

#127
You mess with the toilet, you get the janitor.

#128
You won't help me? Then, fine.

#129
I'll catch the rat bastard myself.

#130
The next day, I hit the pavement

#131
looking for anybody who had a problem with Frank.

#132
And, buddy, I found enough beef to open a hamburger store.

#133
Trouble is, none of 'em had seen Frank in days.

#134
So it all meant diddly.

#135
When it got dark, I swung by Paddy's.

#136
Maybe the bad guy was hiding at the bottom of a beer bottle.

#137
I should've swung my head into a beehive.

#138
It would've been safer than turning that corner.

#139
Leave me alone!

#140
You're making a big mistake.

#141
Hey! What's the matter, Joe?

#142
They don't teach you manners at the School for Big Palookas?

#143
The lady said scram.

#144
You think you can clean up this mess? Be my guest.

#145
I'm a janitor. Cleaning up messes is what I do.

#146
Now dust, before I beat you like an old rug.

#147
He sized me up. But he didn't like the fit.

#148
Suit yourself.

#149
But you'll be back.

#150
They all come back.

#151
There, there, sweetheart.

#152
No use crying over smashed pie.

#153
Now, there was a dame worth the cover charge.

#154
Her eyes glistened in the moonlight

#155
like fresh gasoline puddles.

#156
They were the kind of eyes you could fall in...

#157
and summer in.

#158
- And winter in, too. - Sorry about that.

#159
My boyfriend looks like a bad apple,

#160
but once you get to know Vince, you'd like him even less.

#161
You're too nice a girl to be playing with rotten apples.

#162
Well, my pies haven't always been so sweet.

#163
But I'm trying to turn that all around,

#164
make an honest living selling home-baked goods.

#165
But he won't stand for it.

#166
Oh, gee, there goes my rent money.

#167
Well, if you need a place to stay...

#168
You're a good man.

#169
I wouldn't want to drag you into my troubles.

#170
I ain't the type that drags.

#171
I can see that.

#172
Find someplace safe.

#173
If he shows up again, call me.

#174
I'll straighten him out.

#175
Funny.

#176
You don't seem like the straightening type.

#177
Maybe 'cause you got me all twisted.

#178
Say, fellas. What's the score?

#179
Frank hosed us. Turns out this party's not for the bigwig.

#180
- It's for his daughter. - He hosed us.

#181
Yeah, there's no booze, no legal cooze.

#182
Sounds like a snooze.

#183
- And there's barely any dudes. - Don't add on.

#184
- There's a rhythm. - Come on.

#185
Well, you must be pretty mad at Frank.

#186
Oh, yeah. I hate his guts.

#187
Funny you should mention his guts,

#188
considering Frank got diarrhea-poisoned.

#189
In his guts.

#190
You two wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

#191
Can I get a Red 40?

#192
Yeah. Here's your Red 40, kid.

#193
Look, uh,

#194
Charlie, I don't know what "diarrhea-poisoned" means,

#195
but, uh, I certainly didn't do it to Frank.

#196
Goddamn. Is that Dee?

#197
I told her to stay home and watch Frank.

#198
What is she doing?

#199
Hang on, Dee.

#200
Cricket? What are you doing here?

#201
Dee paid me to cover her shift, hence the getup.

#202
Why were you in the basement?

#203
No reason.

#204
No reason, huh?

#205
I'll give you no reason.

#206
Yeah.

#207
More. Oh, yes. Do it.

#208
Harder. Yes.

#209
I'm a slut.

#210
All right.

#211
Frank let me stay.

#212
Frank let me sleep down there.

#213
I've been working for him.

#214
Doing what?

#215
He's running a cherry racket.

#216
A cherry racket?

#217
You telling me Frank's running underage girls?

#218
I wouldn't put it past him, but, no,

#219
that's not what I'm talking about.

#220
I'm talking actual cherries.

#221
As in maraschino.

#222
Frank hired me to go down to the local bars

#223
and stick my fingers in the garnish stations.

#224
Why?

#225
Why, to contaminate the cherries with feces,

#226
so people get sick, of course.

#227
- My God, that's disgusting. - It's an honest living.

#228
Not really.

#229
Now, why is Frank trying to contaminate cherries?

#230
Oh, I don't know.

#231
He flashed a roll of nickels, and I didn't ask questions.

#232
When someone flashes a roll of nickels at you,

#233
you don't ask questions, you just do.

#234
No matter what they want or where they want you to put it

#235
or where they want to put into you...

#236
I'm gonna turn around now.

#237
I'd been looking at this all wrong.

#238
It wasn't a poisoning. It was a payback.

#239
All right, street rat, I want to know

#240
which bars you hit and when. Spill.

#241
Go kiss a duck. You'll never make me talk.

#242
I'm not slapping you around again.

#243
All right, fine, just get me a pen and I'll write 'em down.

#244
So Cricket had contaminated the wrong guy's cherries

#245
and now Frank was dancing the porcelain rumba.

#246
And I was still in the dark.

#247
And there's only two things you can do in the dark:

#248
you can drink...

#249
and you can hide.

#250
If you came to shoot me,

#251
at least let me finish my drink first.

#252
I'm not gonna shoot you. What if I missed?

#253
Well, then you'd have to say you missed me.

#254
Maybe I did.

#255
Maybe I missed you, too.

#256
Well, you'd better work on your aim.

#257
Sure, I could do that,

#258
- but I'm better at close range. - Yes, you are.

#259
- Can I fix you a drink? - No, thanks. I'm sober.

#260
Plus, I saw you put cat food in it.

#261
Maybe I did, maybe I didn't.

#262
You did, Charlie, I saw you scoop it out of the can...

#263
- I put a little bit in. - ...and it smells so bad.

#264
You're so close to me with that.

#265
- All right, I'll put it down. - God.

#266
So what you doing here, doll?

#267
I told you to find someplace safe.

#268
The only safe place for me...

#269
is in your arms.

#270
Oh, sure, my arms are safe.

#271
It's my lips you have to watch out for.

#272
That's a risk I'm willing to take.

#273
Unless, wait, a-are you telling me

#274
you have a cold sore or something?

#275
- 'Cause I'm not good with that. - Oh, no, we're good.

#276
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#277
Okay.

#278
Morning, dollface.

#279
Goddamn it. Why are you smiling?

#280
Well, I'm trying to look sexy.

#281
- You're supposed to be dead. - I know. I can be dead and sexy.

#282
You're not supposed to be sexy. You're supposed to be the goon.

#283
No, I'm not the goon. I don't want to be the goon.

#284
- I want to be something better. - But you are the goon.

#285
- I'm not the goddamn goon. - You're the goon, Dee.

#286
Who else is the goon? You're the goon.

#287
How could I be a goon? I'm wearing a nightie.

#288
- You're a goon in a nightie. - Maybe that's your murder weapon.

#289
Take it off and you strangle...

#290
Goddamn it. All right, I'm out of here.

#291
All right. Goodbye, goon.

#292
So what's the big idea here, fellas?

#293
Ah, Frank sent us here to blackmail you,

#294
so you stop sticking your nose in where it don't belong.

#295
Ah, so you're in on Frank's cherry scheme?

#296
Yeah, it's easy money.

#297
After Cricket fondles the cherries,

#298
the bars trash their whole supply

#299
thinking they're all contaminated.

#300
Mac and I rescue the perfectly good cherries,

#301
and Frank resells them to the bars for a neat little markup.

#302
He gives us 30%, only Mac thinks it's ten.

#303
- What? - Shut up!

#304
Come on.

#305
Say, you two fellas know anything

#306
about a guy named Vince?

#307
Hangs around the Waitress like a bad cheese burp?

#308
Yeah, we know him.

#309
Runs with a crew out of a church on South Street,

#310
only he ain't the praying type.

#311
Tell him I want to meet.

#312
Yeah.

#313
You talking to me?

#314
Yeah.

#315
Well, I can't tell 'cause I'm not looking at you.

#316
We ain't looking at you either.

#317
Are you still here?

#318
- No, we're gonna go now. - We're leaving now, though.

#319
That's for the best.

#320
Hey, is it, is it ten percent or is it really 30%?

#321
It's whatever I say it is.

#322
Well, that about sewed it up.

#323
Too bad I have a habit of pulling at loose threads.

#324
The doc says that's why my sutures don't heal good.

#325
So I called up Frank.

#326
He told me to meet him at Paddy's

#327
and he would explain everything.

#328
Yeah, like a brick would explain gravity to my head.

#329
Frank?

#330
Cricket?

#331
No johns in the basement, pal.

#332
Frank!

#333
My guts are cut to ribbons.

#334
- What? Who did this to you? - I did.

#335
I was carrying a jar of cherries, I fell on them,

#336
they bust, they sliced my stomach to bits.

#337
I'm no matador, Frank, so you can cut the bull.

#338
I know all about your cherry scam.

#339
My cherry scam?

#340
Oh, Charlie, you sweet innocent dope.

#341
I'm not the top of this sundae.

#342
This goes all the way to city hall.

#343
It all started when I bribed some bigwig

#344
from the Board of Health to ban Red 40,

#345
- the dye used in maraschino cherries. - _

#346
- Red 40? - I used the guys

#347
to round up all the cherries, and then I sat on them

#348
for a couple of months, and then resold them back to the same bar

#349
for jacked-up black market prices,

#350
but there was a snag in the plan.

#351
The bars wouldn't bite.

#352
Turns out, their customers didn't give a shit

#353
about the cherries, so we had to find other buyers

#354
who'd pay through the nose for their maraschino fix.

#355
Old folks homes for pineapple upside-down cake,

#356
teenage birthday parties,

#357
and teetotalers

#358
who only drink Shirley Temples.

#359
All right, enough talk, Franky.

#360
Save your story for St. Peter.

#361
All I want to know is who poisoned you?

#362
I tried to protect you, Charlie,

#363
but this mess is too big for your mop.

#364
- I'm not the bad guy here. It's... - Who is it?

#365
Who is it?

#366
Where is she?

#367
Man.

#368
- Where is who? - The girl.

#369
She belongs with me.

#370
Well, she's a jewel. She belongs in a crown.

#371
You belong in bracelets.

#372
You're trying to provoke me.

#373
But I know how to control myself.

#374
Red 40.

#375
Okay, Vince, I'll take you to the girl.

#376
But first, let me fix a drink.

#377
You seem like a smart cookie. I think you'd do well

#378
in our organization. You should join us.

#379
And if I refuse?

#380
Well...

#381
that could be bad for your health.

#382
Well, how about I drop by a meeting?

#383
Sounds like a gas.

#384
What is...?

#385
What-what is that?

#386
Ammonia-bleach cocktail, aka the Janitor's Helper.

#387
Luckily, I'm immune.

#388
I've built up a healthy tolerance over the years,

#389
or unhealthy, depending on how you look at it.

#390
Huh.

#391
Charlie!

#392
Thank God you're all right.

#393
I am, but Vince isn't.

#394
He's gonna wake up with his head pounding harder

#395
than a Chinese crossword puzzle.

#396
Huh?

#397
- Was that... That one wasn't clear? - No.

#398
All right, I'm running out of them, you know, it's...

#399
But the point is I took care of him.

#400
- My hero. - Yeah.

#401
I guess my pies are finally safe.

#402
Well, not from me. Hand me a spoon.

#403
Say,

#404
why didn't you tell me about Frank's cherry racket?

#405
I don't know what you're talking about.

#406
Yes, you do. You were helping him sell the illegal cherries.

#407
- You connected him with Vince. - Well, I...

#408
I guess I didn't want you to think of me as a petty criminal.

#409
There's nothing petty about you, is there, baby?

#410
Ooh.

#411
Oh.

#412
You idiot.

#413
I didn't tell you because it's my cherry racket.

#414
Frank didn't know what he had. I'm the one

#415
who figured out those cherries had fermented from sitting

#416
in those vats for months. Yeah.

#417
They had turned into a slam-bang booze for the ages,

#418
and we could charge triple in places

#419
where hooch was badly wanted but not allowed.

#420
Old folks homes,

#421
Sweet 16 parties,

#422
court-ordered rehab centers.

#423
It was like shooting fish in a...

#424
Charlie, are you still eating that pie? I poisoned it.

#425
- You did? - Yeah, that's what I'm telling you.

#426
Oh, yeah. You know what?

#427
There's a lot of threads going around; I'm losing track.

#428
- Okay, I poisoned the pie. - Yeah.

#429
- So you should stop eating it. - Right.

#430
- There you go. - It's good.

#431
- Thanks. Appreciate that. - Last bite.

#432
- Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. - And carry on.

#433
- What about Frank? - I poisoned Frank, too.

#434
He figured out what I was up to and he wanted out,

#435
but we were making too much money,

#436
so I diarrhea-poisoned him to shut him up.

#437
Aah!

#438
He got the message in the end.

#439
And Vince?

#440
Oh, Vince caught me smuggling boozy pies into A.A.

#441
and threatened to rat me out to my parole officer.

#442
You see, he wasn't actually my boyfriend.

#443
He was my sponsor,

#444
and he was a real buzzkill, literally.

#445
But why poison me?

#446
Well, you were getting too close.

#447
Or maybe I was.

#448
Either way, I'm leaving town tonight and,

#449
well, I can't have you following me.

#450
Well, you're not gonna get away with it.

#451
Oh, yeah? And who's gonna stop me?

#452
I am.

#453
See, I knew you were lying when I found Vince's A.A. chip.

#454
You used me.

#455
You used me like you used Frank.

#456
And I knew it was only a matter of time

#457
before you tried to poison me, too.

#458
So that's why that shot I took wasn't vodka.

#459
- It was bleach. - What?

#460
- The universal poison antidote. - No, it's not.

#461
It's not?

#462
I mean, if anything, you've ingested more poison.

#463
No, you put bleach on poison, it cancels it out, I'm pretty sure.

#464
No, it makes the poison more poisoning.

#465
No. The two things cancel...

#466
No, you're right. Here come the cherries.

#467
Oh, God!

#468
Jesus Christ, Charlie!

#469
Either way, you're done, baby doll.

#470
I called the cops to take you downtown.

#471
- Oh. - Ha ha!

#472
The gig's up, you ugly dame.

#473
You're under arrest.

#474
- You come with me. - What the hell?

#475
I was undercover the whole time.

#476
I mean, what are you talking about?

#477
- That doesn't even make sense. - Yeah, I switched things up.

#478
Got tired of being called a goon. Let's go!

#479
- Ow! - You're out of here!

#480
- You're really hurting my arm. - Yeah, that's okay with me.

#481
- This is so stupid! Let go of me! - All right.

#482
No, I'm not gonna let go of you.

#483
I got one job to do, I'm gonna finish it.

#484
- Let's go. Yeah. - Ow!

#485
- Yeah, well... - Ow! That hurts!

#486
Yeah, that's all right.

#487
Well, this is where you came in.

#488
Only now, you know the whole sticky situation.

#489
It's not every day that a janitor makes his own mess,

#490
but when he does... ooh, boy.

#491
Now I'm about to shit my brains all over this floor.

#492
But don't worry.

#493
I'll mop twice. I always do.

#494
_

#495
Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com

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