Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S14E07 — The Gang Solves Global Warming

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 14, Episode 7 — The Gang Solves Global Warming

#1
101.3 WNFY weather report.

#2
It's a scorcher out there, already 102 degrees.

#3
Residents are being asked to keep their thermostats

#4
at 76 degrees to conserve energy.

#5
Ah, man, global warming. It's out of control.

#6
Yeah. It's hot, baby.

#7
Guys, we don't really have to worry about global warming,

#8
because... yes, is the Earth getting unbearably hot?

#9
Of course it is. But it's all a part of God's plan.

#10
Look, if God wants to roast us like turkeys,

#11
there's got to be a good reason for it.

#12
That's easy for you to say; you're young.

#13
You know who's gonna get hurt the worst?

#14
- Old people. - Old people?

#15
- Yeah. - No, it's the younger generation that's gonna suffer

#16
- from global warming the most. - Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey.

#17
Listen, there's no reason to fight, okay?

#18
We're actually living at a very exciting time right now.

#19
I mean, we're all finally in agreement

#20
that climate change is real.

#21
Well, yes, the 25 years of climate science

#22
finally caught up with my opinions, and, Dennis,

#23
when opinions meet facts, that's when you get truth.

#24
- Oh, God. - Wow.

#25
Yeah, yeah. But the good news is, hey,

#26
for the first time I can remember,

#27
we all have the same truth.

#28
- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

#29
- That's nice, right? Yeah. - How 'bout that?

#30
And, look, while some people are saying,

#31
"Look, we're staring down the barrel

#32
of a global catastrophe here," that is true, but I think

#33
if we all work together, we can solve this problem.

#34
Guys, we can beat the heat.

#35
Oh! Hey!

#36
- Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! - * The heat is on *

#37
* On the street *

#38
- * To stay alive * - _

#39
_

#40
* 'Cause the heat is on *

#41
* Whoo! *

#42
* Oh-whoa-ho, oh-whoa-ho *

#43
* Tell me can you feel it, tell me can you feel it *

#44
* Tell me can you feel it *

#45
* The heat is on. *

#46
_

#47
Guys?

#48
Feeling that? Nice and cool, huh?

#49
Turned the AC way down.

#50
Yeah, I don't know why we're wasting our AC on strangers.

#51
No, Frank, we're not wasting it.

#52
No-no-no-no. We're adapting to climate change.

#53
People are animals.

#54
When push comes to shove,

#55
- there's no "together." - No-no-no, see, listen.

#56
By-by-by cranking the AC down below the recommended,

#57
uh, settings, and getting the word out

#58
that Paddy's has the best AC in town,

#59
we're actually helping our business

#60
and helping the environment.

#61
No, that doesn't work. Shame's better.

#62
Like I do with my shoes, you know what I mean?

#63
How would I know what you mean?

#64
My shoes that are made out of recyclable materials.

#65
I did a whole Instagram Story about it.

#66
Talking about how great the shoes are,

#67
making people feel stupid for not having them.

#68
You know, you remember.

#69
Who the fuck do you think is watching your... What?!

#70
- Not-not one person on Earth is... - Get out of here.

#71
What are you talking about? Plus, how is there any plastic

#72
left in the ocean after they used it

#73
to cover your gargantuan feet?

#74
Yeah, big feet. Hey, guys, though,

#75
we got a little bit of a problem.

#76
Uh, there's, like, a, I don't know, like, a backup

#77
of the water lines or something. The ice machine's broken.

#78
We don't have any ice.

#79
Oh, shit. Okay, well, just, uh, call the store

#80
and have them deliver some ice.

#81
And make more waste by having a big smoke-spewing truck

#82
deliver ice to us when we could just simply get off our asses

#83
and go get it ourselves? Hey, guys,

#84
listen, I just wanted to talk about the importance

#85
of not only talking the talk, but also walking the walk.

#86
Oh. As I'm saying that, it's reminding me

#87
I'm loving my new eco-friendly shoes.

#88
See there? Not only am I helping the environment,

#89
I could also get some free swag

#90
- if I keep it up, play my cards right. - That's awesome.

#91
You're such an awesome eco-warrior.

#92
And since you want to walk the walk,

#93
why don't you walk to the store and pick us up some ice?

#94
- I just might. - Okay, then do it.

#95
- Maybe I will. - Get out and go!

#96
Could even do an Instagram Story about it on my way there.

#97
Oh, super cool!

#98
- Go! - Fine. - Go, go and go

#99
- and go and go and go and go and go, go, go and go. - Fine!

#100
Charlie, come with me; I need someone to video me

#101
so I look more professional.

#102
I don't want to do that.

#103
We'll do a Story about Purina,

#104
tag them, and get you a free case of cat food.

#105
- Done. - Hmm.

#106
Did you see that, Frank?

#107
If you incentivize somebody to make the right decision,

#108
you can get them to do whatever you need them to do.

#109
All right, what about me? Where's my incentive?

#110
Well, uh, how about we lower that AC even more

#111
and see if that helps you?

#112
How would that help me?

#113
Frank, what's the temperature at which a certain body part's

#114
small, smooth muscle cells contract, thereby decreasing

#115
the surface area of the skin, causing that certain body part

#116
to protrude in an unusual fashion?

#117
65.7 degrees Fahrenheit.

#118
- Make it so. - I'll do it.

#119
What are you guys talking about?

#120
Nipples, Mac. Uh, nipples.

#121
Hi.

#122
Son of a bitch charged me $40 for a bag of ice, Charlie.

#123
They... he's taking advantage of this heat wave,

#124
- jacking up the prices. - Yeah, he's smart.

#125
So what's going on with the feet?

#126
- I see you limping here. - Ah!

#127
Yeah, you know what? These shoes, they are,

#128
they're the worst.

#129
Well, my feet are all blistered and swollen.

#130
- Yeah? - But they're so cute and totally on-brand.

#131
- Uh-huh. - What are you doing? Don't do the Story now.

#132
Well, you told me to shoot candid moments

#133
- that seemed honest. - I said staged moments

#134
that looked candid and seemed honest.

#135
All right, well, can we just walk back to the bar? Let's go.

#136
I-I don't know. I honestly don't think I can walk back.

#137
My feet are killing me.

#138
Let's take the bus, then.

#139
Do you have any idea how much pollution a bus causes?

#140
I don't know. Uh, three?

#141
Three?

#142
- Three what? - Pollutions?

#143
- All right, we're not... - I-I'm not a scient...

#144
- I'm not a scientist. - We're not... You're not a scientist.

#145
I get it. We're not taking the bus, though,

#146
because buses are wasteful and more importantly disgusting.

#147
You're just all crammed on there with a bunch of mongrels

#148
breathing directly into your mouth. There's no room. No.

#149
Plus it's the future, Charlie.

#150
- We can just take a rideshare. - Rideshare? Why... What?

#151
Yeah. It's when a bunch of people get the app,

#152
and then y'all take the same vehicle to different places.

#153
Same vehicle, diff... so, like a bus.

#154
Fine, but it's not a bus, it's a car.

#155
- So less room. - Okay. Uh-huh.

#156
'Cause if we just take the bus...

#157
- We're not taking a bus, Charlie! - Okay.

#158
- Taking the rideshare. Come on. - All right. Well...

#159
_

#160
What the hell is this? Hey, Frank, Frank, Frank.

#161
- Hold on. What's-what's going on, man? - What?

#162
I thought you turned the AC up?

#163
- It's getting hot as hell. - I did. I did,

#164
but there's too many people here.

#165
I can't offset the body heat.

#166
- Hey, we got a problem. - Yeah, I... yeah, I saw that.

#167
What's with all the water, man? What's going on here?

#168
Oh, that is probably from

#169
the ice machine breaking down.

#170
The water got backed up and maybe diverted over here.

#171
But that's not what I'm talking about.

#172
- What? - Look.

#173
The fish factory guys heard about the AC.

#174
Now they're hanging out.

#175
- Nobody wants to go near them. - Yeah, well, they're covered in fish parts.

#176
They probably smell like shit. Go kick them out, Mac.

#177
Uh, well, they go to my church.

#178
And if I kick them out, then they'll tattle on me to God.

#179
- Are you kidding me? - No.

#180
You know, Dennis,

#181
I'm not very incentivized here.

#182
These are not the nips I wanted.

#183
Whoa, Frank. Come on, man.

#184
Now is not the time for your racism. This affects us all.

#185
We're all in this together.

#186
Talking about the nipples. I don't see any.

#187
- Oh. Right, right. Sorry. Your, um... - Not... people.

#188
Yeah, no, your track record in that department

#189
is, uh, it's not great.

#190
Yeah, it's just that his misogyny is stronger

#191
- than his racism. - In this case.

#192
- In this case. - All right, well, sorry for, uh, sorry

#193
for jumping on you like that. Um, we can figure this out.

#194
- Of course. God will provide. - Well, we will provide.

#195
I'm looking for answers right now. We will provide.

#196
- I got an answer. God created us. - Okay.

#197
All right, you know what? Look, um, I have an idea.

#198
We'll adapt.

#199
Hey, guys. Hey, why create an even bigger carbon footprint

#200
by taking stinky buses all over town when you can just hop

#201
in a, in a, in a rideshare, in an electric vehicle?

#202
I'm loving this ride, y'all.

#203
And cut.

#204
Stop saying "and cut," Charlie. Just take your finger

#205
off the button. You don't have to say that.

#206
Christ. Might as well be in a bus.

#207
I am eating this guy's breath.

#208
- Yeah. - I mean, just straight up eating it.

#209
- It's super hot in here, too. - It's so hot.

#210
- I'm boiling. - Guy? Can you turn the AC up, please?

#211
- We're dying back here. - Uh, sorry, electric car.

#212
AC kills the battery.

#213
Okay, then just turn it on for a minute

#214
and then turn it right back off.

#215
Want me to open a window?

#216
No. No, I actually don't want hot air from the outside

#217
blowing all over the place, but thank you.

#218
You want a breath mint or some gum?

#219
I want some goddamn air conditioning.

#220
What's some gum gonna do?

#221
Well, when someone offers you gum, it's usually a hint.

#222
- That's him! That's not me. - Uh, well,

#223
- it's both of you. It's both of you. - Uh...

#224
I'm gonna give you one star, jerk!

#225
Maybe consider getting some gum for those pits!

#226
What an ass... Hey, everybody.

#227
Just coming back from a real quick trip.

#228
We walked to the store

#229
and then we took a fantastic rideshare home.

#230
And we got a really awesome bag of ice to show for it.

#231
- And stop! - What? What are you doing?

#232
Well, you don't want me to say "cut,"

#233
- so I'll say "stop." It's better. - Well, I wanted

#234
to bring the ice up into the frame so I could show them...

#235
- and don't say, don't say "cut" or "stop," just stop. - Oh, okay.

#236
All right? Let's do it again. Where is the ice?

#237
- Uh, the ice is melted. Yeah, not much left. - Uh...

#238
- What?! - It was super hot in that car, Dee.

#239
Oh, Christ!

#240
- Cat food, please? - Not...

#241
We're not gonna get the cat food 'cause we...

#242
- I can't go back in there without d... Hey! - And go!

#243
We're just getting ice out here.

#244
- And stop. - Beating the heat.

#245
Hey...

#246
- fans. - And stop!

#247
I'm going to murder you.

#248
- Whoa, you're freaking out. - Yes.

#249
I am freaking out. Film when I say "film."

#250
Hey, everybody.

#251
- You said "film." - All good. It's just hot.

#252
It's just so hot. And cut.

#253
- You saying "cut" now? - I say "cut," not you!

#254
- All right, I got a plan. - It's hard to follow all your rules, Dee.

#255
- Just shut up! We're gonna call a car. - Uh-huh.

#256
We're gonna get in the car. We're gonna go get ice.

#257
We're gonna come back with a bag of ice,

#258
and we're gonna shove it in their face...

#259
So we're taking two cars when we could've taken one car

#260
or called the truck and this whole thing

#261
could've been done, like, hours ago.

#262
- Okay. We'll walk. But stop talking to me! - Okay, we'll walk.

#263
- And I'm rolling. - Hi. We're just gonna walk to get some more ice.

#264
_

#265
Hey, Frank.

#266
Global warming is the fucking best.

#267
Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

#268
- Yeah. - Yeah. Over here.

#269
Ah.

#270
- Yeah. - All right, guys.

#271
Listen, we got another problem, all right?

#272
We're running out of glasses and I can't run the dishwasher

#273
'cause it's too big of a power suck.

#274
It's gonna kill the AC.

#275
I got a fix. We got this stuff

#276
back when we were gonna have the Memorial Day party,

#277
but then we had to cancel it because of the blizzard.

#278
- Oh! You bought the... yeah! - Yeah!

#279
- That's working together, baby. - It's plastic.

#280
- Nice work. - The Lord provideth again!

#281
No, Mac! No. The Lord not provideth.

#282
Frank provideth. He's the one who bought the cups.

#283
Frank provideth.

#284
That... well, the Lord provideth the snowstorm in May

#285
that allowed us to get the cups now.

#286
- Uh-huh. - See? It's all a part of his divine plan, Dennis.

#287
And that's locked in, so we're good.

#288
Okay, so all we have to do is nothing?

#289
No. No, because, uh, we have free will, Dennis,

#290
which means that, um, we have to take the necessary steps

#291
to make sure that that plan comes to fruition.

#292
- Which is predetermined. - Yes.

#293
But it doesn't matter what we do if it's all predetermined.

#294
You see how your argument doesn't make any sense?

#295
Uh, that's correct. But it doesn't have to make sense,

#296
because that's where the faith comes in.

#297
Right? I have faith that what I'm saying makes sense.

#298
Okay, so even if it doesn't make sense,

#299
your faith makes it make sense.

#300
- Correct. - Got it. Okay, so there's no way

#301
to have a rational conversation with you.

#302
- No. - Climate change affects us all.

#303
Okay? We're all in this together. All right?

#304
We need to work together, and we can still make a profit, okay?

#305
Don't worry. Just let me think about how to make this work.

#306
Well, think fast, because it's getting hotter in here

#307
and people are gonna start dying.

#308
I got an idea. I got an idea.

#309
Look, the-the music, it's very, very up-tempo.

#310
What if we throw a couple slow jams in here, all right?

#311
Drop the body heat down a notch.

#312
- Let's do it. - That's an excellent idea.

#313
And don't you see how God came through you

#314
to come up with that idea?

#315
Go turn... change the music.

#316
- Change the music. - I'll go change the music. I'm-a change the music.

#317
Son of a bitch.

#318
Charged me 20 extra bucks for this one.

#319
- Want me to film this rant? - No!

#320
Obviously I don't. What is this? What have you done?

#321
Well, I got a nice little trash bag... that's keeping me

#322
a little bit cooler... and then this totally creates shade.

#323
You want me to make you a hat?

#324
No, thanks. I don't want to wear trash on my head.

#325
You're wearing it on your feet.

#326
I paid 90 bucks for these things.

#327
Well, I can charge you for the hat if it

#328
- makes you feel better. - No, that's not the point

#329
- I was making, but the... - Oh, all right.

#330
My shoes do suck. My feet are dead.

#331
Let's just call another car and get back

#332
to the bar before this ice melts again.

#333
Oh, goddamn it.

#334
- What's wrong? - My account's been suspended.

#335
That driver gave me one star, citing "verbal abuse"

#336
and saying I urinated all over the backseat of his car.

#337
That was melted ice.

#338
Actually, I did pee back there a little bit.

#339
- I did, too. It was a very long ride. - You did? I thought you did.

#340
- I did. Yeah. But that's not the point. - Ah, all right.

#341
The point is we're stuck now.

#342
Unless we take the bus.

#343
Goddamn it.

#344
_

#345
How did it get hotter?

#346
I don't know, man. I think the slow jams backfired.

#347
It's like all the friction from the grinding,

#348
like, created a closed system.

#349
I didn't account for all the increased sexiness.

#350
There's a lot of rumblings coming from

#351
- the water section, too, there. - Well, that's 'cause

#352
they're not reusing the cups. You know what I mean?

#353
They don't have any cups left. They're throwing all the trash

#354
- in the water. - And they want more booze.

#355
Which, by the way, we don't have any.

#356
We didn't have enough to accommodate the people

#357
that were here before, and now it seems like

#358
we've doubled in size and we just don't have enough.

#359
- Where is your God now? - Yeah, Mac.

#360
- He will reveal himself at some point. - Oh.

#361
Well, is he gonna do it before all these people revolt

#362
- and destroy the place? - All right...

#363
I don't know, Frank. I don't question God's will.

#364
If he wants to destroy the Earth, that's on him.

#365
- I support it! - What are you talking about?

#366
Guys-guys, stop... Okay, stop bickering.

#367
We can't be bickering. Okay, look.

#368
We said we were gonna beat the heat together.

#369
As a team, as a community.

#370
And that's what we're gonna do, goddamn it.

#371
I got it. I got it.

#372
Hey, uh, everybody, if I could get your attention, please.

#373
I got a quick announcement.

#374
If everybody could just listen up real quick.

#375
- Dennis has an announcement. - Yeah, I have an annou...

#376
You don't need to announce my announcement.

#377
Okay.

#378
Idiot. Um, okay, uh, so, guys,

#379
uh, are you guys having a good time?

#380
What a great party, huh?

#381
That's right, that's right. But check this out.

#382
Check this out. Here's my announcement.

#383
We do need to chill out on the dancing a little bit,

#384
'cause we-we're overworking that AC, but...

#385
Now, now, no, no, I get it,

#386
I get it, I get it, I get it.

#387
Listen, you think I want to be that guy?

#388
I don't want to be that guy, but I think if we just

#389
stop dancing for just a second, the AC can catch up,

#390
this place can cool down.

#391
I don't want to stop.

#392
You don't want to stop? Yeah, I know.

#393
Nobody wants to stop.

#394
We're all having a good time. But maybe we just, like...

#395
Uh, you know what? Let's not stop.

#396
Let's not stop at all. Let's just chill out.

#397
We'll chill out for a second, you know what I mean?

#398
We'll chill out. We'll slow things down.

#399
- I don't want to slow down. - Okay, listen,

#400
I know you don't want to slow down, I get it.

#401
Nobody wants to slow down.

#402
It's all good, but we got to work together, right?

#403
We got to, we got to work together to keep this place cool

#404
and to keep everything kosher, all right?

#405
One other announcement: uh, we're running a little low

#406
on tequila and other liquors.

#407
All right, so...

#408
I'm not talking crazy stuff here.

#409
We got plenty to go around, all right?

#410
Maybe instead of ten shots, we do, like, five or six.

#411
That's it. You know?

#412
I... I-I want ten shots.

#413
You want ten shots, but, you know,

#414
ten shots is too much for you and five to six is plenty.

#415
Don't tell her what she needs.

#416
Stop. Everybody st... O-Okay. I get it. Look, l-let's not...

#417
You're losing them, you're losing them!

#418
All right, look, I'm not trying to bring the mood down, guys.

#419
This is... It's all good. Okay? Just... let's just recognize

#420
that just... whoa, pal. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#421
Okay, look, stop.

#422
I'm just saying we're in a little bit of a tricky situation here.

#423
We can figure this out.

#424
Just, it's getting real hot in here.

#425
Okay? And we're running a little low on resources.

#426
It's fine. W-We... But if we adapt, we'll keep the party going

#427
for a long, long time. So who's with me?

#428
I got the booze!

#429
Oh, my God. That bus was hot as shit.

#430
- The third bus was the hottest, you know what I mean? - Yeah.

#431
It's those local buses. We should've just gotten off

#432
- at the express and walked, but that's... - It's all the buses.

#433
- They're bad. - Whoo.

#434
- Please tell me the ice didn't melt. - Uh, no,

#435
but somebody ripped a hole in the bag

#436
- and stole it. Yeah. - What?!

#437
- How did you not notice that? - Oh, I don't know.

#438
My back must have gone numb from the ice on my back.

#439
- You know what I mean? - Oh, no. No. I can't go all the way

#440
- back to that store. I can't do it. - Oh, no.

#441
No, that's too many vehicles.

#442
But how are your feet feeling, though?

#443
Oh, I got to say, though,

#444
Charlie, the feet are feeling real good.

#445
- Whatever you made... - I'm pretty proud of that shoe.

#446
- Uh, you should be. - Yeah. That's the medical sponge, which is...

#447
- I don't want to hear any of the details, though. - Oh, okay.

#448
- I'll spare you. - Okay? Thank you.

#449
Whoo. So what's the plan now?

#450
I got one last idea.

#451
Hey, oh! Ice!

#452
We got ice.

#453
What's going on in here? Who are these guys?

#454
Uh, these are our friends

#455
from the fish factory. What's up, guys?

#456
They're actually pretty good dudes once you get to know them.

#457
Yeah, nice c... not like the people we had in here before.

#458
- They were terrible. - Uh, well, what happened to the party, though?

#459
People were animals, just like I said.

#460
All right, well, while you guys were in here

#461
destroying the environment, I got ice,

#462
with barely a carbon footprint.

#463
And I also made a pretty sweet Insta Story

#464
to spread the word and shame my followers.

#465
- Mm-hmm. - Check it out.

#466
What up, Dee's Nuts?

#467
Just another important Insta message for you.

#468
Don't forget to reduce, reuse and...

#469
I'd rather drive six Hummers

#470
than smell your shit breath, loser!

#471
Well, these shoes suck. They're terrible.

#472
My feet are all blistered. What are you doing? Don't...

#473
- You're the stupid idiot! Okay? - No. You put my ice bag down...

#474
I'm not putting the ice down! I'm taking the ice!

#475
- I'll give your money this time. - Get the hell out of my store.

#476
But you try and gouge me again, you son of a bitch,

#477
I'll gouge your eyes out!

#478
There you go.

#479
Last time you get recycled.

#480
Hope a bird chokes to death on you.

#481
I hate the bus! Oh, you're disgusting!

#482
I can't stand being near you low-life degenerates!

#483
Ah. Yeah. Not tipping you either, so don't even ask.

#484
- And cut. - Okay, stop saying "and cut."

#485
Goddamn it, Charlie.

#486
- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com

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