Home » Scrubs » S01E05 — My Two Dads

Scrubs

Season 1, Episode 5 — My Two Dads

#1
Hey, how's he doing?

#2
He was admitted with neutropenic fever, but his white blood cell count's stabilized.

#3
Best I can say is he's not getting any worse.

#4
- How you feeling, Jared? - Okay, I guess.

#5
Okay? I heard your dad arranged for a visit from The Rock?

#6
Oh, yeah. I'm 13, I must love wrestling, right? Woo-hoo.

#7
Come on, The Rock's a movie star.

#8
Out of anything in the world, what could a guy possibly wanna see more?

#9
- [applause] - Guys, we need an answer.

#10
Name one thing guys wanna see more

#11
than anything in the whole wide world?

#12
Okay, Louie, we're gonna go with boobs.

#13
[cheering]

#14
Show me boobs.

#15
- [ding] - [Louie] There they are.

#16
- [cheering] - Good job!

#17
I wanna see 'em on a real girl. A cute girl.

#18
You're cute.

#21
♪ I'm no Superman ♪

#24
What's your point? Ammonia too strong?

#25
- Oh, no, I have a... - That's one.

#26
Keep pushin'.

#27
Hey, there, sport. Got your page.

#28
This better be good. Paging the Chief of Medicine.

#30
I, uh,... Sir, I was going over Mr. Martinez's chart,

#31
and it seems like the T.I.P.S. procedure he's scheduled for is completely unnecessary.

#32
Why would you think that's unnecessary?

#33
Well, he's dead.

#34
Well... Excellent catch, Dr. uh,...

#35
Dr. um...

#36
Dorian! You see me every day.

#37
Say my name. Say it!

#38
Martinez.

#39
That was the name of the patient, sir.

#40
- Avery. - No, that's the...

#41
manufacturer of the clipboard, sir.

#42
Fine work, doctor. Fine work.

#43
I hear that.

#44
[Kelso] Ammonia's a little strong today.

#45
That's two.

#46
Steady, boy.

#47
Okay, now, Rowdy.

#48
I swear, when you're not here, he does it.

#49
I'm sure. He's shy.

#50
I think you should go ahead and do it.

#51
- I am not flashing my breasts. - Why not? It's easy.

#52
- You just go like this. - [whoosh]

#53
Ooh, that's hot.

#54
[laughs nervously] I went by pediatrics.

#55
They thought it was funny.

#56
I'm borrowing a sweatshirt.

#57
What did we agree you would do every time I left a room?

#58
Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

#59
That's better.

#60
[both laugh]

#61
My man Turk is getting it daily, nightly and ever-so-rightly.

#62
Ow! What up, dawg!

#66
What did you just say?

#67
What up, dawg?

#68
Why would you think that Turk and I slept together?

#69
Because I'm a nurse? Because I'm Latina?

#70
No, just because you guys have been dating for a while.

#71
Do Latina women put out more? That's not something I've heard.

#72
- Turk told me. - No! I didn't!

#73
No, I swear. Look, he assumed.

#74
Uh-huh. And did you correct him?

#75
Well, you know, I've been really busy at the hospital lately.

#76
[Carla] Is that how you see this relationship?

#77
As some mad dash to the finish line?

#78
Because I'll take you into that bedroom right now,

#79
and you will be walking sideways for the rest of your life,

#80
because I will have used all your up and down.

#81
Now, is that what you want?

#82
- No. - Good.

#83
Because what I want is for this to be a real relationship.

#84
I want us to know each other better than we know ourselves.

#85
- Wow. - That's right, "wow".

#86
So if you really want me "daily and nightly and ever-so-rightly",...

#87
That sounds like something you'd say.

#88
...show me that you know me.

#89
So, anyway, I think you should let the kid meet the ladies.

#90
So, you're the one who told Kelso Mr. Martinez was dead?

#93
Well, I'm new, but I'm relatively certain that invasive vascular procedures

#94
have a low success rate on dead people.

#95
That T.I.P.S. procedure was for Mrs. Blitt down in 103.

#96
You see, she doesn't have insurance.

#97
Mr. Martinez, on the other hand, had great insurance.

#98
Should I talk slower or get a nurse who speaks fluent Moron?

#99
You don't have to be mean about it.

#100
Well, jeez, newbie, what do you want from me, huh?

#101
[whirring of 9mm camera, gentle guitar]

#102
I don't know if they taught you this

#103
in the land of fairies and puppy-dog tails

#104
where you obviously, if not grew up, then spent most of your summers,

#105
but you're in the real world now.

#106
Nnn-kay?

#110
Luckily, this wasn't...

#112
Do you know what this is?

#113
This is me washing my hands of you.

#114
I will not be in the same room with you again, starting...

#115
now.

#116
[telephones ring, PA announcement]

#117
[cries mockingly]

#118
Tissue?

#119
[TV] It's a challenge...

#120
Little bit of flow, like...

#121
"Fighting Joe" Hooker...

#122
[pop]

#123
[gasps]

#124
I don't need Dr. Cox. Big jerk.

#126
Yes! Yes!

#127
Hey, sport. Or should I say howdy, Mr. Pouty?

#128
Sorry, sir, it's been a rough day.

#129
So I hear. Well, anyway, I'm very proud of you, Dr. um...

#130
Just look at my badge.

#131
Dr. Turk.

#132
Oh, no, this is my roommate's badge. We must have switched...

#133
Oh, that's a great anecdote.

#134
You should write that down in your journal.

#135
Then your kids can read about it when you're dead.

#136
- Sir, they're waiting for us... - In a moment.

#137
If you will promise to go easy on the stories,

#138
I'd love for you to join me for a round of golf tomorrow.

#139
- That'd be terrific, sir. - Super.

#140
[whistling, barking]

#141
[J.D. gulps, Dr.Steadman snarls]

#142
[siren]

#143
You wanna show a woman you know her, you gotta buy her a little something-something.

#144
This makes no sense. None of my patients are improving.

#145
- I'm gonna buy her flowers. - Yeah!

#146
Please, been done to death.

#147
I don't get it. I do everything by the book.

#148
Maybe that's the problem. You approach things too clinically.

#149
How about chocolates?

#150
Mmm. With rich cliché centers?

#151
Have you ever treated your patients with something other than traditional medicine?

#152
I got it. I'm gonna buy her a really nice pen.

#153
No, she loves to write. She handwrites all of her letters

#154
because she says e-mail's too impersonal. That's perfect.

#155
- A pen is good. - Yeah!

#156
- [Turk laughs] - [pager beeps]

#157
[sighs] Now all I gotta do is find time to get out of here

#158
and maybe I'll buy her one.

#159
Look, all I'm saying is there's more to healing than what's in the books.

#160
I talk to my patients. I, I sing to them.

#161
I ask them what their hobbies are,

#162
and tell them ghost stories about an old sea captain.

#163
Thought you'd be interested in that kid Jared's chart.

#164
Wow, look at that white blood cell count.

#165
Yeah. And all it took was a visit from The Rock.

#166
The Rock was here and nobody told me?

#167
The Rock couldn't make it.

#168
Well, somebody did something.

#171
Check her L.F.T.s and coags for me.

#173
the opposite happens.

#175
You're cute.

#176
Who's the present from?

#177
- Oh. My boyfriend. - When did he give it to you?

#180
Newbie, the reason I was all bent out of shape yesterday...

#181
- I accept! - Don't interrupt me. Come here.

#182
Pull that curtain.

#183
Mrs. Blitt over there needs the T.I.P.S. procedure, no insurance,

#184
she can now look forward to a lifetime

#185
of encephalopathy and jaundice thanks to Bottom-Line Bob.

#186
- Is he really that bad? - I hate Robert Kelso.

#187
I hate his family, friends, the guy that cleans his vaguely racist little lawn jockey.

#188
In fact, I hate anybody who even associates with him.

#189
Is that clear?

#190
Totally.

#191
Call me.

#192
Yo, Elliot, check out these ass slides.

#193
Oh, my God. How's that stuff even get up there?

#194
I fell on it.

#195
I fell on it.

#196
I fell on it.

#197
I was bored.

#198
The doctors in the ER have a box where they keep all this junk.

#199
Is that next to the Lost and Found Box?

#200
Lost and Found Box? There's no Lost and Found Box.

#201
There's an Ass Box.

#202
Oh, no, that's not Carla's pen?

#203
I had no time to shop!

#204
[Turk screams]

#205
Beautiful day for golf, eh, sports?

#206
[Steadman] Yes, sir, Dr. Kelso.

#207
Look, I don't know what you're trying to pull,

#208
but I am not a guy you wanna mess with.

#209
Steadman, I need a tee.

#210
A tee, or some tea, sir? Because I've brought both.

#213
Excellent, our fourth has arrived.

#214
[tires screech]

#215
What's up, newbie?

#216
[birdsong]

#218
After all, he's here too.

#219
- I thought you hated Kelso. - Oh, I do.

#220
And watching his face as I kick his worthless butt up and down this golf course every week,

#221
is basically,... well, it's the most fun I can have

#222
without being forced to cuddle afterwards.

#223
Oh, good night, Irene! Fantastic golf shot, sir.

#224
Real nice length. Now, does your husband happen to play?

#225
Ha-ha.

#226
But for the record, no, I'm not a hypocrite for being here.

#227
What's your pathetic excuse, you whiny little suck-up?

#229
That'll play.

#230
[Turk] Don't open it! Please don't open it!

#231
Oh, please, don't open it!

#232
Since we've been chatting,

#233
maybe you could raise your heart rate for me? What do you say?

#234
[steady beeping]

#235
What am I doing? This is stupid.

#236
[pop]

#237
[rapid beeping]

#238
[yelps] Oh!

#239
[tires screech]

#240
[tires screech]

#241
[tires screech again]

#242
Please, don't make her open it.

#243
[screech]

#244
Are you that busy?

#245
You do know me. Sweetie, I love this!

#246
Oh. [laughs nervously] It's so, it's so cool. It's cool.

#247
- I'm woozy. - You're fine.

#248
Today's the day I finally beat his uppity, insubordinate...

#249
Hey, great shot, doctor!

#250
You see, son, I always say keep your friends close

#251
and your enemies closer.

#252
Can you believe him? You're away and yet he hit first.

#253
- It's just a technicality. - Ah, but there's the rub.

#254
The rules are there for a reason.

#255
If you break one, why not break them all?

#256
You know that before medicine ever became a business,

#257
the only rule was to do your best to help the patient.

#258
Like it or not, medicine is a business.

#259
If the hospital shuts down, then who are we helping then?

#260
So, what, only people with money deserve medical treatment?

#261
[J.D.] Damn it!

#262
It's about what's best for the hospital.

#263
[whooshing, J.D. groans in frustration]

#264
It's about what's best for the patient.

#265
The only reason I go back to that hospital day after day

#266
is because I care about those patients.

#267
Every one of 'em.

#268
You've got a lot of potential, sport.

#269
You stick with me,...

#270
and you're going to be climbing the ladder very quickly.

#271
Isn't that what you want?

#272
You have to sink this for the win, Cox.

#273
Hey, newbie, come here, I almost forgot...

#274
I'm gonna get Mrs. Blitt her T.I.P.S. procedure tomorrow,

#275
with or without insurance,

#276
and I want you to help me.

#277
Now tell me, Margaret,

#278
do you have the stones to sink a putt when you have to?

#279
[Cox] See you next Wednesday.

#280
I love this game.

#281
I can't decide if I should help Cox or not. It's driving me crazy.

#282
At least you didn't give your girlfriend a gift that used to be inside of someone.

#283
That's true.

#284
I have magic breasts.

#285
How many has she had?

#286
Almost one.

#287
You know what, Cox doesn't need your help

#288
taking her down for a T.I.P.S. procedure.

#289
In fact, he shouldn't even be putting you in that situation.

#290
- You're right. - Hell, yeah, I'm right!

#291
Screw Cox.

#292
- Not afraid of him, are you? - Hell, no!

#293
Okay, maybe a little.

#294
- [yelps] - [crashing]

#295
- That's four. - That's three.

#296
That's five.

#297
[continuous beep]

#298
Still nothing? All righty, we're through here.

#299
- Somebody call it. - [Elliot] Wait.

#300
[pop]

#301
Right. Time of death, 6:20.

#302
[beeping remains unchanged]

#303
Hey. There's my buppy.

#304
Did you just say "buppy"?

#305
Uh, 'cause that's not gonna work for me.

#306
Carla, we gotta talk.

#307
We can talk later.

#308
Later's good. Mm.

#309
Let's just worry about getting you better. Okay, gorgeous?

#310
I decided that Cox was wrong.

#312
I want you to do a wallet biopsy on her,

#313
and if the insurance doesn't check out,

#314
I want her back to the nursing home before she so much as gums down a single fruit cup.

#316
[Muzak]

#318
with pre-renal azotemia?

#319
Bag her.

#320
[screams]

#321
Come on, I wanna show you something.

#322
Wait. It's about the pen.

#323
So, I thought a really nice one would be a great gift,

#324
and I see a great one... in the Lost and Found Box.

#325
There is no Lost and Found Box. There's an Ass Box...

#326
Yeah, there is.

#327
Oh.

#328
And to think you were this close to getting everything you wanted.

#329
I assume this is what you wanted.

#330
Yes.

#331
And yet you come home and tell me

#332
that your thoughtful token of love

#333
wasn't a token of love at all. It was an ass pen.

#334
You come home and tell me this because being open and honest

#335
is more important to you than having sex with me?

#336
Are you coming or what?

#337
Hell, yeah.

#338
Stay, Rowdy, stay.

#339
It took me three hours to realize...

#340
- Excuse me, miss. - Can I help you?

#341
I'm afraid I have an awful case of the gotta-see-'ems.

#342
You know, that's not even a real disease.

#343
At what point did I become a crazy person?

#344
Oh, come on. Yes, exposing yourself to a dead guy

#345
might have been a tad unorthodox,

#346
and, yes, it might be a little hard to live down.

#347
- I'm waiting for the "but". - So's everyone else here.

#348
- [drumroll] - That's not funny.

#349
- Thanks. Glad I shared. - Come on.

#350
When I look at you, I look at a doctor

#351
who will do whatever it takes to help a patient.

#352
- Really? - Yeah, really.

#353
And on that note...

#354
If you still want my help, I'm on board.

#355
Are you kidding? It's way too big of a risk for a peon.

#356
Look it, I just wanted to see what team you were playing for.

#357
- So it was all a test. - Besides,...

#358
I already did it.

#359
[Kelso] Cox!

#360
Run, Junior. Daddy's home.

#361
Did you actually think I wouldn't find out what you did?

#362
- What did I do? - You insolent...

#363
I'm insolent?

#364
I know it sounds melodramatic,

#367
they were battling for my soul.

#368
- She needed the T.I.P.S... - I've got you this time.

#369
I can taste it!

#371
The dark side versus the light.

#372
[like Darth Vader] I've been waiting for this moment all my life.

#373
[electrical fizzing]

#374
Easy, Chewie.

#375
[roars]

#376
[Cox] I'll teach you to respect this institution.

#377
I hope you learn from this.

#378
No!

#379
[record scratches]

#380
You're suspended. Effective immediately.

#381
[telephones ring, PA announcements]

#382
Well, sport. It looks like a permanent spot just opened up

#383
on the golf course.

#384
How does joining the Chief of Medicine for a weekly round sound?

#385
Actually, sir, I'm not really that into golf.

#386
Well, I guess that's your choice, isn't it, Dr. Dorian?

#388
Whoo!

#389
That's one for me.

#390
- [J.D. meekly] Ow. - That's two.

#391
[J.D.] I'm hurt.

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