Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S14E09 — A Woman's Right to Chop

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 14, Episode 9 — A Woman's Right to Chop

#1
MAN: Tonight, look upon the evl

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that you did.

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ANNOUNCER: A Christmas Carol premieres December 19 at 7:30 on FX.

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ANNOUNCER: FXX presents...

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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

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DENNIS: My God, for the love of God, there's two more of 'em.

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FRANK: I mean, it's giving me indigestion.

#8
-CHARLIE: Yeah, man. -MAC: I'm tired of looking at it.

#9
CHARLIE: And where are they even coming from, dude?

#10
It's that new salonthat opened up down the street.

#11
I thought it was gonna be good for business,

#12
-but this is hard to look at. -DEE: I don't even understand

#13
-why you guys give a shit. -Why do we give a shit?

#14
-Yeah. -These women have mutilated themselves, Dee.

#15
It's an abomination.

#16
Once you go down that road, it's,

#17
you... there's no turning back.

#18
It's just, like, the dumbest hat, too, like...

#19
A hat? Are you talking about their hair?

#20
That's hair? Oh, my... I thought that was, like,

#21
a little comedy hat or something.

#22
That's their actual hair... Why would anyone do that?

#23
MAC: Wait a second. Poppins?

#24
-Oh, shit. -Oh, my God, it's Poppins!

#25
Poppins! He came back!

#26
My dog came back!

#27
How the hell is that dog still alive?

#28
Yeah, Mac, why don't you just

#29
put that poor thing out of its misery?

#30
Put him down? What, are you crazy?

#31
This is my dog, Dee. I love him.

#32
DEE: Well, he doesn't love you.

#33
Comes around every three or four years,

#34
eats a bunch of batteries or whatever,

#35
takes a giant dump on the floor,and then leaves again.

#36
Dee, Poppins comes and goes as he pleases

#37
'cause that's his right as a male.

#38
-FRANK: Mm. -Right?

#39
-Women are never gonna get that.-They'll never get it.

#40
Yep. We are hunter-gatherers, Dee.

#41
And if we decide to leave, we're gonna leave.

#42
-Yeah, 'cause that's nature. That's tradition. -That's bullshit.

#43
Traditional roles are ridiculous,

#44
and they're made up by men.

#45
If I want to have a baby and then abandon that baby,

#46
I have the right to do that.

#47
-Oh... -A woman abandoning her child?

#48
-DENNIS: Yeah, that's awful, Dee. -FRANK: That's cheap.

#49
And it's not natural. You know what I mean?

#50
Like those haircuts. I mean, they...

#51
that's traditionally a man's look.

#52
Women can't just adopt it.

#53
You know? I mean, look, it's one thing

#54
for, like, a 60-year-old art critic to do it,

#55
but, I mean, these are young, sexually viable women

#56
making themselves no longer sexually attractive to me,

#57
and that upsets the natural balance of things.

#58
-Mm. -DEE: What? No.

#59
If women want to get short, ugly, lesbian haircuts,

#60
then they deserve to do that because it's their body

#61
and, therefore, their choice.

#62
Oh, you're gonna make it about that?

#63
You know what? Killing babies is wrong, Dee,

#64
and God forbids it.

#65
FRANK : Oh, God.

#66
Here comes another one.

#67
- It's too much!

#68
MAC: I'm telling you, man,

#69
something is wrong with Poppins.

#70
His belly's all big.I've never seen him so run-down.

#71
I mean, it's not like he's never been sick before.

#72
You remember the time he drank an entire pot of coffee?

#73
-That wasn't good. -No, this is different, dude.

#74
-Yeah. -This is... Look, check this out.

#75
-Oh, yeah. That's not good. -Nothing. Nothing.

#76
-I mean, it's just like...

#77
Where'd you get the air horn?

#78
Oh, I-I picked it up at the hardware store

#79
-when you were grabbing coffee.-Yeah.

#80
Yeah. Why?

#81
I want to jump-start Poppins's system.

#82
You know? But it's not working.Maybe if I do it longer?

#83
-I'll do it super long, huh? -Uh, you know what?

#84
-What if I feed him my coffee, right? -Mm-hmm. Yep.

#85
You blast him with the air horn,a-and that might wake him up.

#86
Oh, and maybe I'll scream into the other ear.

#87
Okay, yeah. Give it a whirl.

#88
Please don't.

#89
Oh, uh, am I not doing it right?

#90
Do you want to give it a go?

#91
Uh, no, I don't. And, yes, you're doing it correctly,

#92
I just prefer you not feed your dog coffee

#93
and blow an air horn repeatedlyinto its ear canal.

#94
Hey, look, if that doesn't makethis dog less sleepy,

#95
-nothing's gonna. -Well, to be clear,

#96
uh, sleepiness is not Poppins' problem.

#97
-Oh, no. Is it a tumor?

#98
If it's not, could you say it in that really funny

#99
Arnold Schwarzenegger voice that's, like, so funny?

#100
-: "It's not a tumor." -You know what I mean? And that always, like... Yeah.

#101
-"It's not a tumor." -It's funny when he says it, too.

#102
Unless it is a tumor,

#103
-and then it's not gonna be funny. -Is it?

#104
Well, uh, there's good news and there's bad news. Right?

#105
Uh, the good news is that Poppins is pregnant.

#106
Wait. Poppins is a girl?

#107
Oh, you didn't know your dog was a female?

#108
Oh, nah, I-I could never get underneath that hind leg

#109
-to check. -You don't want to try to get under Poppins.

#110
I mean, one time I tried to give him a belly scratch

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-and he bit my thumbnail clean off. -He's a monster.

#112
-Uh, "she." -Say what now? -Huh?

#113
"She-She's a monster."

#114
I can't believe that Poppins is gonna be a father.

#115
-A mother. -What?

#116
-A mother? -He is?

#117
Hmm... Okay. Uh, do you two not understand gender?

#118
-No, I mean... -Well,

#119
-we don't really do gender at our bar anymore. -Yeah.

#120
-Mm-hmm. -Like, gender's so, like, old school.

#121
-Like, I-I don't identify... -Um, I'm so sorry

#122
to tell you, uh, the bad news,

#123
is that given Poppins' advanced age,

#124
I'm afraid that she most likelywill not survive the delivery.

#125
-He won't? -Again, she.

#126
And, uh, yeah.

#127
: I-I don't think I've ever seen a dog this old.

#128
It's a miracle that shewas evenable to get pregnant,

#129
so when shegives birth,

#130
shewill most likely die.

#131
Well, you got to kill those babies, then.

#132
- Uh... -What? Dude, what the hell?

#133
I thought you were all pro-lifeand everything.

#134
I am, but this is different. This affects me.

#135
Uh, I'm so sorry, but we don't perform that procedure here.

#136
We can talk to a, like, a doctor, not a nurse.

#137
That's a good idea. Do you have any doctors here?

#138
-Let's go. -I'm a...

#139
Let's go. We'll go find a man.

#140
Okay.

#141
DENNIS: Got some information for you.

#142
-You're gonna want this information. -Great hair. Keep the hair

#143
-the way it is. -Very important information, honestly.

#144
-Keep your hair the way it is. It's really great. -Yeah.

#145
-Oh. Oh... Hi! -Hi... G-Going the wrong way.

#146
-You going in here to get the... Yeah. -I was.

#147
Check this out: um, uh, did you know

#148
that hair only grows about six inches

#149
over the course of an entire year?

#150
Did you realize that? Isn't that mind-blowing?

#151
-Think about that for a second. You know? -Mm.

#152
Here. Grab that for me, if you will.

#153
-Oh, my. -Yeah, it's something else. -You can't get your hair cut.

#154
-You don't want to do that. -Um, now I'll tell you something.

#155
With luxurious locks like yours,it could take, oh,

#156
-three, four years to grow backto its current length. Yeah.-Yeah, if it ever grows back.

#157
-Okay. Thanks. -Well, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second.

#158
If that doesn't convince you, there's more. Um...

#159
Listen, are you familiar withthe television series Felicity,

#160
-starring Keri Russell? Yeah. -Yes. Mm-hmm.

#161
-Well, this is Keri Russell right here. -Beautiful.

#162
-Look at her.Beautiful. Gorgeous.-Beautiful girl. Yeah, gorgeous.

#163
-Yep. -Millions of adoring fans,

#164
hit television show, you know,and then she went and did this.

#165
-Oh, God. -Yeah.

#166
-Look at that. Oh, God. -What a mess.

#167
-Shocking, isn't it? -Still pretty.

#168
With this one tragic decision, Keri Russell a-alienated

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all of her fans, she got her show canceled,

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-and, man, she was never heard of ever again.

#171
Yeah, but Keri Russell works all the time.

#172
Yeah, now, does she still play women?

#173
Look, leave me alone, creep.

#174
-Probably in a cape or something. -Well, no, no, hold on.

#175
You're about to make a huge mistake, lady.

#176
-You don't want to do this. Man.-Hey.-She got in.

#177
-What is this? What are you guys doing? -One got away.

#178
-We let her go.-Well, Dee, we are educatingthe public is what we're doing.

#179
-We're trying to help these women. -Oh, my God.

#180
Will you please leave these poor women alone?

#181
They're clearly bored and lonelyand-and-and needing

#182
to do something extreme in orderto make themselves feel special.

#183
Listen. Take this one for example.

#184
You don't get a monkey cut like that

#185
unless you're broken inside.

#186
I'm sorry. Are you talking to me?

#187
No, sweetie, I'm talking about you.

#188
I'm using you as an example.

#189
I support your choice to look like whatever kind of primate

#190
or simian species you choose, because it is your choice.

#191
Okay? You know what?

#192
Go full baboon, girl. I support you.

#193
No. Dee, Dee, you're not being rational.

#194
Can you at least acknowledge

#195
the fact that men should have some say in what women do

#196
with their hair? I mean, for Christ's sakes,

#197
we're the ones that have to look at it all day!

#198
No, Dennis. I won't acknowledge that.

#199
You have no say. In fact, you know what?

#200
-I'm gonna get the haircut.

#201
Don't do it, Dee. You're gonna,you're gonna look hideous.

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I know I will. I don't havethe face or the body to support

#203
a haircut like that, but I'm gonna do it anyway,

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because I can.

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Because I choose to, and there'snothing you can do about it.

#206
-You don't do it. -Excuse me.

#207
You do not do it. You go back to the bar.

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I command you!

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Dee.

#210
You're not being serious enough.

#211
-Oh... -One monkey cut, please!

#212
FRANK: Oh, God.

#213
You... you bitch.

#214
CHARLIE: Yeah, so,

#215
what we'd like you to do is killthe dog puppies, if you could.

#216
: Hey.Don't-don't say "kill," though.

#217
Uh, sorry, murder them, if possible?

#218
-Say, uh... Uh, no, say, uh... -Uh, sorry, my friend has a...

#219
-"...terminate the embryos." -To terminate...

#220
-Yeah, so if you could terminatethe puppies' embryos?-Yeah.

#221
-Yeah. You know what? Come on. Let me just-let me... -Uh-huh. Sorry.

#222
-Hang on one second.My friend wants to talk to you.-Yeah. I'll do it.

#223
Yes, hi. Yes, we-we need you to perform this dog abortion,

#224
and if you don't, my dog is gonna die.

#225
And he-he-he's not gonna be able to survive the...

#226
Yes, I'm-I'm aware that a boy dog can't have puppies.

#227
-What's with this? I... -I... Yes. Look,

#228
it's a little bit confusing because he used to be...

#229
Look, there was a transition at some point, all right?

#230
-He had a sex change.-We see past gender at our bar.

#231
And I don't... They hung up.

#232
-That's the tenth one. -You know what?

#233
The problem is we-we can't get any doctors on the phone.

#234
-I know. -You know? You're always talking to a secretary.

#235
-I know, it's just... -Puts you on the phone with some other female secretary,

#236
-and it's like...-And honestly, I tune them out,

#237
because I can't... they get so high up in the register.

#238
-Yeah.

#239
She's gone too far! She has no idea

#240
of the ramifications of what her actions...

#241
CHARLIE: Whoa. Frankie.

#242
-Take it easy, buddy. Your valve's getting all worked up.

#243
-That's not good.

#244
Hey, your valve's acting up... You know what?

#245
Here, here-- eat some cat food.

#246
-Come on, settle down.

#247
You-you got to get that valve down, man.

#248
-You got to calm that down, all right? -Okay...

#249
-Neutralize it out with the cat food. -Let me have it.

#250
All right, walk me through what's happening here.

#251
-It's Dee. -Yeah?

#252
Yeah, she's gonna do it. She's gonna cut her hair off.

#253
Dennis... put me in charge...

#254
of making sure she doesn't go through with this madness.

#255
Ooh, Frankie, that valveis bad, man. That is backed up.

#256
-You-you drinking enough beer, bud? -No.

#257
Okay. Let-Let's get you another beer

#258
-or something. -Let me have a brew,

#259
and pop me another can of this cat food.

#260
-It's working. -Yeah.

#261
We got to settle that valve down, buddy.

#262
Hey, Frank,

#263
you know anybody that'll do a dog abortion?

#264
Yeah, I got a guy.

#265
Yeah. There you go. Take a look.

#266
You seriously want to buy me a car

#267
as long as I don't cut my hair?

#268
Yeah, and we should look at the convertibles.

#269
I want the wind blowing through

#270
those long, beautiful locks of yours.

#271
-This is ridiculous. -No, it's not.

#272
This has nothing to do with a haircut

#273
and everything to do with you controlling my body.

#274
It's got everything to do with a haircut, Deandra.

#275
Look at this.

#276
What is this?

#277
FRANK: That's me when I was young.

#278
I was like Samson.

#279
I had hair down to my butt crack.

#280
I looked like a Greek god.

#281
You look like a bridge troll.

#282
Well, the point is, I cut it all off.

#283
I-I needed the money and I read an ad...

#284
for a toupee company that said they would give good money

#285
for real hair, so I bought in.

#286
But I shaved it all offto the nub. It never grew back.

#287
And-and, plus, when I think about it,

#288
I get a... pain in my stomach

#289
and I... gastronomical.

#290
-Oh, God. -And I burp.

#291
That's not how hair works. Or gastrointestinal tracts.

#292
I want to show you something else.

#293
What?

#294
FRANK: There it is.

#295
There what is, Frank?

#296
FRANK: That's my old hair.

#297
He-He's given it a good home.

#298
He takes care of it.

#299
Probably better than I would'vetaken care of it myself.

#300
-Wha...? -I come by time to time

#301
to check it out, see how it's doing.

#302
DEE: Oh, my God.

#303
FRANK: Ah, here he comes.

#304
Don't-don't say anything,

#305
because I don't want to make it feel bad.

#306
-Hey, how are you? -Hey, here's my guy.

#307
-Hi. How you doing? -How you doing, Frankie?

#308
-Good to see you. -Very nice to see you.

#309
I love this guy. He's bought, like, five cars off of me.

#310
-You know?-I hope you're using that money

#311
for high-end shampoos and conditioners.

#312
: S... Always with the shampoo jokes.

#313
-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. -I have no idea what you're talking about.

#314
Uh, so, anyway,you here to buy something today?

#315
-Yes. Yeah. -No! No.

#316
I-I... you're not buying me a car, Frank.

#317
You can't control me

#318
with your cars and your threatsof male pattern

#319
baldness.

#320
That-that was an unrelated burp.

#321
I had four beers on the way here, I'll have you know.

#322
I'm getting the haircut. I'm getting it.

#323
Don't do it, Deandra. You'll regret it!

#324
I'm telling you!

#325
What was that all about?

#326
Just trying to save a life.

#327
Oh. The wind's kicking up.

#328
You better get inside. I don't like to see her struggle.

#329
Okay.

#330
You sure this is the place?

#331
Yeah. This is where Frank said to meet the guy, so...

#332
-What up? -Oh, hey, Z.

#333
-Hey. -How you doing, man?

#334
-What you boys up to? -MAC: Uh, we're waiting

#335
on a doctor that Frank's hooking us up with.

#336
Yeah, that's me, homie.

#337
-Oh. -You're a doctor?

#338
Straight up.

#339
Come on. No, you're not.

#340
Bitch, you don't think I'm a doctor?

#341
I was a medic in Desert Storm.

#342
I did Doctors Without Borders, I saved mad lives.

#343
See, you racist. That's what the problem is.

#344
I'm so sorry, Z. I didn't have any idea.

#345
-That's impressive, yeah. -Sorry. Sorry.

#346
: Bitch, I'm just playing with you.

#347
I ain't no motherfucking doctor.

#348
-Oh!

#349
-Okay. All right. -: Are you serious?

#350
I do still feel bad, though.

#351
-I feel terrible.-I feel bad, too, because I feel

#352
-like I was exposed. -Lesson learned.

#353
-Lesson learned. That was good.-I was... My racism was exposed.

#354
But I do fuck with dogs,

#355
-so tell me what's up. -Oh, okay. Good.

#356
-So, uh, Poppins is sick. -Right.

#357
Yeah, and there's a bunch of babies in there.

#358
Oh, snap. Okay. Right.

#359
Now, the vet said that if he gives birth, he's gonna die.

#360
Oh, so you want me to scoop them babies out

#361
so your dog can die.

#362
-Uh, n-no. The, the opposite, actually. -Okay.

#363
You want me to scoop them puppies out and chuck 'em

#364
and then put your dog out its misery.

#365
-Uh, no. No. -No. Uh-uh.

#366
No, uh, we want you to kill the babies

#367
and keep this dog alive.

#368
Okay, word. I can get with that.

#369
Yeah, is there a version, like, where no dog dies?

#370
Yo, son, that's hard to tell.

#371
I made dogs make babies,

#372
but I ain't never taken no babies out the dog.

#373
Oh, you're a breeder.

#374
-Right.-That's why Frank hooked us up.

#375
-Yeah, yeah. I breed dogs. -Nice.

#376
-I groom dogs. I fight dogs. -Nice.

#377
-Oh. Mm. -I ain't never abort

#378
no dog, but we can get it done.

#379
Poke around in one of them trash cans,

#380
try to find an Allen wrench.

#381
Yeah, I'm starting to think this is a mistake, man.

#382
I don't think he's qualified to do this.

#383
-But... -Yeah, I-I don't know.

#384
MAC: I don't know what else we're gonna do, man.

#385
I mean, we got to save Poppins.

#386
CHARLIE: Oh, shit. Wait. Who's this?

#387
Oh... Oh, my God.

#388
Wait a second. Charlie...

#389
I think this is the real Poppins!

#390
CHARLIE: That's Poppins, isn't it?

#391
I was wondering why I didn't have

#392
to pop this dog's eye back in its socket.

#393
That dog has a very solid eye. It was very mysterious why...

#394
Oh, my God. Yeah, look how dirty he is.

#395
Oh, look. Oh, look at this. He came back.

#396
CHARLIE: He's getting all nose-deep

#397
in, uh... in her goodies there, so...

#398
Oh, my God. Wait a second.

#399
Charlie,

#400
maybe the puppies inside of this dog are Poppins's!

#401
Oh, my God. Poppins is the dad?

#402
Yes!

#403
-CHARLIE: Uh... -That is so cute.

#404
-Yeah. -MAC: He came back

#405
-to take care of his family.

#406
He likes to take...Oh, no, he did not. He did not.

#407
-MAC: There he goes. -He wanted the blanket.

#408
Yeah, he's a survivor. He's gonna

#409
take what he needs.

#410
CHARLIE: He's gonna do what he's gonna do. Wow.

#411
-Bye, buddy. -Bye, Poppins!

#412
All right. See you in a few years.

#413
-Mm-hmm.

#414
All right. What are we gonna do

#415
-with this piece of shit? -Mm-hmm.

#416
Listen here, you monster.

#417
Okay, well, if you see her,can you call me? I'm just really

#418
freaking out. It's not like her at all.

#419
Um...

#420
I'm so sorry. Um, can I help you?

#421
Yeah.

#422
Yes. I'm sorry, the...

#423
Your tears were unexpected. I, uh...

#424
Yeah.

#425
Sometimes I find it very arousing, tears,

#426
but this time, I wasn't...

#427
I-I wasn't coming in-in that zone.

#428
You know what I mean? So, I, uh, was...

#429
I just wasn't ready for it.I was... I was gonna do a th...

#430
I could switch gears, though. You want to do...?

#431
We could do a... This could be an arousing thing. I...

#432
What is happening?

#433
Right. Sorry. Uh...

#434
Yeah, so, no. I... No, I came here with a plan, and, um...

#435
Yes, I'm gonna stick to that plan, so... Sorry.

#436
-I'd like a haircut, please. -Oh.

#437
Yeah, sure. Um, if you can justleave your name and number.

#438
What do you mean "yes"?

#439
-I can... -Sorry. What?

#440
I can make you an appointment ifyou leave your name and number.

#441
-Right on. -And I can

#442
-give you... -You cut men's hair?

#443
Yeah. We cut anyone's hair who needs it.

#444
Good. As it should be.

#445
-Good. -Yeah.

#446
So...

#447
Are you okay?

#448
You won't outsmart me.

#449
Sorry. I-I...

#450
I thought you were gonna say that you only cut

#451
women's hair, and I was gonna claim discrimination

#452
to get you shut... it doesn't matter.

#453
I have to admit, you've-you'veput me a bit out of sorts. I...

#454
With the, with the, the tears and the...

#455
arousal and your face and words. I...

#456
Can we start over? Uh...

#457
Do you want an appointment?

#458
No! No.

#459
I-I... Because I don't want a-a-a haircut from a butcher.

#460
All right? I'm not gonna get butchered

#461
like you've butchered these poor women's hairs.

#462
-Are you insane? -No.

#463
Look, I can be reasonable, okay?

#464
I don't expect to save everybody from this,

#465
but I can save one person, all right?

#466
My sister Deandra Reynolds.

#467
She-she has an appointment here,

#468
and I want it stricken from the record.

#469
-Yeah, I'm not gonna do that. - Look,

#470
you don't understand, okay?

#471
She's... she's my twin sister, all right?

#472
Fr-From a genetic standpoint, I mean, her hair is just

#473
as much mine as it is hers, you know what I mean?

#474
I-I-I... I have every right to stop her from killing it.

#475
Okay, I don't know what's going on here,

#476
but I don't have time for this.

#477
Oh, yeah, yeah, you're very busy

#478
destroying young people's lives,aren't you?

#479
Yeah. Doesn't surprise me it's reduced you to tears.

#480
I'm cryingbecause my dog is lost, asshole.

#481
What's your dog look like?

#482
Oh, shit.

#483
MAC: Well, this all worked out

#484
-pretty well, didn't it? -Yeah, yeah. -Well, yeah.

#485
-I can't believe how quick you gave up Poppins's puppies,

#486
though, you know? You didn't even think about keeping 'em.

#487
Well, that's a lot of responsibility,

#488
-Charlie, right? -Yeah, that's true.

#489
And plus, there's no doggypaternity test to actually prove

#490
that they were Poppy's puppies in the first place.

#491
That's true, too.

#492
MAC: You know? But, hey,

#493
if Poppins wants to stop by and say, "What's up?"

#494
and, like, be a dad for while...

#495
-DENNIS: Right. -...he's gonna.

#496
-Exactly. -Or he won't.

#497
Yeah, that's how I do. That's how I do.

#498
But, guys, seriously, we got to stay vigilant, okay?

#499
I mean, yes, we were able to stop Dee

#500
from doing something horrible.

#501
But, you know, we can't restuntil every single woman is free

#502
from the choiceof ruining their lives forever.

#503
-Mm. -So what are we gonna do?

#504
I was thinking we use shame.

#505
-It's a great motivator.

#506
CHARLIE: Hello... oh, my God!

#507
-Oh! -Oh!

#508
-Oh! Aah! -Oh, my God!

#509
-Dee, what have you done?! -Yeah. Yeah.

#510
I told you I was gonna get the cut!

#511
-Goddamn it! -Oh.

#512
But then I went into the salon,and the woman refused to see me.

#513
She refused, she said,

#514
'cause she was-she was doing some sort of trade

#515
in a dog-kidnapped situation. I don't know.

#516
I ended up having to do it all by myself! That's right!

#517
-Listen, l-listen.

#518
-It looks... terrible. -DEE: I...

#519
-So bad. -I mean, really, really bad.

#520
I know it looks terrible! The scissors were dirty,

#521
and they weren't even sharp.

#522
But now it's done. It's done now.

#523
There's no turning back.

#524
What have I done? What have I done?

#525
I've-I've forced my sister into a back-alley chop.

#526
Guys, I think we-we need to realize something.

#527
We're never gonna be able to stop women

#528
from doing whatever the hellthey want with their own bodies.

#529
-Thank you! -Okay?

#530
And if we can't stop them from making stupid

#531
and selfish choices, then we need to give them a place

#532
to go to bestupid and selfish.

#533
-Thank you. -Where it's safe.

#534
-Yes! -Where they won't do bullshit like this.

#535
-It's bullshit! -This is a bullshit haircut!

#536
I know!

#537
Okay, guys, here's something else, too.

#538
I don't care about any of this, really, you know?

#539
If I'm being honest,I don't care that much, either.

#540
-Right? -DEE: Oh...

#541
-Like, who gives a shit? -Yeah.

#542
Yeah, I guess I don't really care that much, either.

#543
-What?! No, you... No. -I don't know,

#544
it just... it's annoying, but I don't care.

#545
We don't really care.

#546
Why did you guys makesuch a big deal about it, then?

#547
Well, uh, you know, that's, like, a guy thing.

#548
Well, 'cause we're-we're used to being in charge,

#549
and we want to make sure that...

#550
You did! You cared! You cared so much,

#551
and then I did it, and now what am I supposed to do?

#552
-I care. I know what to do. -You do?

#553
I got a guy.

#554
-Hey. -FRANK: Oh.

#555
How that wig feel, Dee?

#556
-Really good. -FRANK: Oh.

#557
It feels great. Thank you, Z.

#558
Now, Dee, just rememberthat one day you may get a call

#559
from the woman who gave birth to that hair.

#560
And, uh, I would consider some visitations.

#561
Nah, she ain't got to worry about that.

#562
I groomed that shit off a border collie.

#563
Well, then you're good.

#564
Hey. Might be some fleas up in there, but she good.

#565
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

#566
Tonight, look upon the evil that you did...

#567
Ebenezer Scrooge.

#568
ANNOUNCER: A Christmas Carol premieres December 19 at 7:30 on FX.

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