Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S13E03 — The Gang Beats Boggs - Ladies Reboot

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 13, Episode 3 — The Gang Beats Boggs - Ladies Reboot

#1
I'm confused. Wade who?

#2
Wade Boggs. He's a Hall of Fame baseball guy

#3
who drank 70 beers on a cross-country flight.

#4
We're gonna beat that record.

#5
That's why I booked us these tickets.

#6
Uh, I thought we were flying to Los Angeles

#7
for the Women's March.

#8
Mm-hmm. You are correct that this is an all-female flight

#9
on the way to the Women's March...

#11
It's about the Boggs thing.

#12
I didn't know it was an all-female flight.

#13
That feels dangerous.

#14
What are you... no, hey! Come on!

#15
- Oh! - Can't smoke on an airplane.

#16
Goddamn, when's the last time you flew?

#17
Yeah, I don't get it. You already did this.

#18
Shouldn't we do our own thing? Why are we copying the guys?

#19
No, that's the whole point.

#20
It's the same exact thing, but it's with women.

#21
Right? So it's a new idea.

#22
Okay, I just feel that if it's all with women,

#23
- then it should be better. - Why can't we just do the same thing?

#24
Because if we do the same thing then why are we doing it at all?

#25
Yeah, I got to say I agree with that.

#26
I mean, why can't we just come up with our own record to break?

#27
Like some badass woman who could really throw them back?

#28
You know, Judy Garland, Liz Taylor...

#29
Joan Crawford...

#30
Betty Ford!

#31
No.

#32
Those are all sad examples of alcohol abuse.

#33
The Boggs thing just feels more fun, you know?

#34
When women do it, it just feels sad.

#36
but I figured I could do that and participate

#38
What kind of plane is this?

#40
with the whites and we're way back here?

#41
Wow. I never heard you talk so much. Truly awful.

#42
What is going on with her? Why is she so perky?

#43
She ate all her nicotine patches already.

#44
Ate them?! What? You're not supposed to eat them.

#45
Oh, my God, there was a two-week supply.

#46
You know what? Who cares? Who cares?

#47
In that case, since you're all hopped up,

#49
Just mark everybody's shirts every time they finish a beer.

#54
en route to the Women's March.

#55
Hell yeah! Can't wait.

#56
Oh, no. Two women pilots.

#57
- I'm getting out of here. - No, no, no. S-Sit down.

#58
Sit down. You're not getting... everything's fine.

#59
You're not getting off. Sit down.

#60
We're in mid-goddamn-air. You know what? Drink your beer.

#62
Keep going like that, we might have ourselves a real scrimmage.

#63
She's gonna be passed out by Indiana.

#64
Just mark her shirt off while she's still in the game.

#65
Was not expecting this line.

#66
Why do women pee so much?

#68
- I wasn't. - All right, shut up.

#69
What's with this line? It hasn't moved.

#72
All right. Nine, huh?

#73
- Yeah. - Nine, Waitress.

#74
Very nice. I like that.

#75
Some record chugging. What's your secret?

#76
- I'm an alcoholic. - That'll do it.

#77
Artemis, one? Only one? Come on.

#78
Just feels lazy and uninspired to do exactly what the men did.

#79
Let's at least beat a female sports star.

#80
Ooh, I like that idea. Like who?

#81
Secretariat?

#82
The racehorse?

#83
I like that. Let's beat a Secretariat.

#85
She should be a boss. But fine.

#86
I don't get into this bathroom soon I'm gonna shit my pants!

#87
Yes! Do it! See? That's what I'm talking about.

#88
Gross-out humor. It's like taking the original

#89
to the next level. See? Nobody expects that from women.

#90
It's so much more shocking, isn't it?

#92
Oh. Here we go.

#93
Yes. Thank you. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

#94
- I need two more beers. - We're out.

#95
No problemo.

#96
I planned for this.

#97
Mm-hmm.

#98
They don't check medical bags.

#100
How's that for originality?

#101
What-what the hell?

#102
Where-where are my beers?

#103
Oh, I had to make room for all my merchandise.

#104
Just, uh, crystals, worry dolls, dream catchers,

#105
labia rings-- your basics.

#108
It's a land of sad,

#111
and clean orgasms.

#113
See? Lookin' at my first customer.

#115
I-I love to scam pathetic, sad, lonely women.

#116
But let's wait till we get to California.

#117
For now, I need to get you drunk.

#118
I need beers. Goddamn it.

#119
All right. Hey, hey!

#120
Hey, you! Servant!

#121
Hold on a sec. Servant.

#122
Oh, dear God.

#123
How do I keep winding up with you people?

#125
Do you...

#126
I used to work at Guigino's.

#128
and I waited on you guys at the Super Bowl.

#129
- Nothing? Mm? - Nope.

#130
- Forget it, forget it, forget it. - Nope. Nope.

#131
What can I do for ya?

#132
Hold on a second.

#134
Shouldn't there be a woman servant

#136
Well, it's "flight attendant,"

#137
and I actually volunteered,

#138
because I think women have been disrespected for far too long

#139
and I wanted to honor them and be their champion...

#140
Great. You're a soy boy beta cuck.

#141
- A what? - Whatever.

#142
Look, uh, we're doing the Boggs thing.

#143
I don't know what that is.

#144
Wade Boggs.

#146
Doesn't matter. Uh, listen, we're gonna need

#148
And you can put it on the Boggs account.

#149
Just make sure you keep all the ladies

#150
in the white tees lubricated.

#151
Okay. I'm afraid we don't have any beer, is the thing.

#152
- What? What did you say? - Yeah.

#153
Uh, in honor of the Women's March, we are serving pink wine.

#154
So we only have rosé.

#155
- Right. Okay. - Yeah.

#157
Uh, we'll take a shit-ton of pink wine.

#158
- Thank you. - Okay. You're welcome.

#159
Hey, hags, come on. I got news.

#162
All racehorses are male.

#163
I know, because I find them so attractive.

#164
Well, that's messed up. Why-why woman horses can't race?

#165
They should be able...

#166
They can run just as fast as the boy horses.

#167
- That's not what we're ta... - They should march.

#168
- Pussies on the track. - Getting off track. That's not...

#169
Pussies on the track. - What are you doing?

#170
- Pussies on the track. - Shut up! Stop it!

#171
- We should not drink in protest. - Stop! Shut up! Okay?

#172
Shut up!

#173
It's all right. It's all right, 'cause I got a new plan.

#174
Okay? You guys need a female athlete?

#175
Check this out.

#176
I happen to know that tennis great Martina Navratilova

#177
drank 70 beers on a flight to L.A.,

#178
only to wake up the next morning

#179
and beat her rival, Chris Evert, at the California Open.

#180
- Mm, that's very impressive. - Mm-hmm.

#181
So now we're gonna try to beat Martina Tinatinova...

#182
No, goddamn it! We're doing the Boggs thing.

#183
We're still doing the Boggs thing,

#184
but you're gonna use Martina as your inspiration. See? Okay.

#185
And we're also switching to pink wine.

#186
How's that, Artemis, for switching it up?

#187
Trying new stuff?

#188
You can't just change one small specific and call it new.

#189
- I changed three! The wine... - We're still copying the men.

#190
- ...the athlete, and the bag! - Copy, copy, copy.

#191
I will drink anything that you put in front of me.

#192
Okay!

#193
Well, there you go. Did you hear that?

#194
You happy? Okay, great.

#195
So, we're all settled.

#196
I just need to do a quick conversion

#197
because beer has a five percent alcohol content

#198
and rosé has a 12% alcohol content.

#199
Oh, dear! Watching a woman do math scares me!

#200
Okay, so every little airplane bottle of wine

#201
will equal 2.4 beers,

#202
so we'd have to drink

#203
29.17 bottles of wine to equal 70 beers. Okay.

#204
So let's just call it an even 29 to win. Good?

#205
Nerd.

#206
Oh... We're doing a good job on those guys, huh? Mmm...

#207
Oh, yeah. We're tearing it up. Tearing it up.

#208
Yeah. Okay. Whoo!

#209
Man, it is sad that there are only chicks on this plane

#210
'cause, I mean, I am all horned up.

#211
Well, there is a-a male servant.

#212
Oh, yeah? Hot?

#213
No. Soy boy beta cuck.

#214
I know, but, uh, don't get distracted by that, okay?

#215
The main reason I picked an all-female flight

#216
is because sex is how Dennis lost.

#217
Oh, Dennis? I-I like to hear about Dennis.

#218
Tell me more.

#219
He and Frank, he... they made a side bet, you know.

#220
See who could have sex.

#221
And then Dennis ended up banging this disgusting person,

#222
and then he got off at North Dakota to avoid her.

#223
He was... He was the first one out.

#224
So-so Dennis had sex on the plane, how-how many women?

#225
- Just the one. Again... - Hm...

#226
...don't get distracted by that.

#227
Well, I'm gonna beat his record.

#228
There's only one man on this flight.

#229
Okay, well, I will figure something out.

#230
No, no, no. Stop. Stop it, okay? Kno-Knock it off.

#231
You're my Chris Evert. You're my rival, okay?

#232
The only reason you're here is so that my hatred of you

#233
can fuel my desire to beat you, okay?

#234
So I need you staying in the game.

#235
Okay. Then I'm gonna beat you, you skank.

#236
Yes. that is the spirit.

#237
The only way to beat men is by competing against other women.

#238
Here's to that.

#239
Oh.

#240
- Oh, it hurts so much... - Where the hell is he?

#241
I dinged that goddamn thing ten years ago.

#242
Yeah.

#243
So the rose quartz is a healing gemstone,

#244
as well as the lapis lazuli.

#245
And the goddess stone is for putting up your snatch.

#246
- Only $70, ladies. - All right. All right.

#247
What the hell is this shit? What are you doing?

#248
I'm selling my sundries, okay?

#249
Why wait for California

#250
when I've got a captive audience right now?

#251
Here. Drink this.

#252
Mm-mmm.

#253
What is that? Oh, my God.

#254
Are you trying to poison me? That's not alcohol.

#255
No, it's my special "uni-tea."

#256
Well, it's selling like hotcakes.

#257
Drink up, ladies.

#258
It helps your prostate.

#259
Women don't have a prostate, goddammit.

#260
Or is that what men want you to believe?

#261
You're supposed to be drinking wines.

#262
You know, you're not supposed to be selling vag rocks

#263
and-and shit tea.

#264
You ca... Six? Six is pathetic, even for you.

#265
No, you know what's pathetic? Is this Boggs ladies remake.

#266
- Don't do that. - Huh? Yeah, no.

#267
I will do that. This Boggs is busted,

#268
'cause I'm doing my own thing now.

#269
And it's empowering and communal.

#270
Next-level shit, right, ladies?

#271
Not to mention I've already taken these bitches

#272
for three hundo, so, what?

#273
All right, goddammit, Mrs. Mac, Artemis is out.

#274
Yeah. Out... of this world.

#275
Sw... Oh, okay.

#276
All right. Okay.

#277
Yeah.

#278
Yeah, six is a yonic number, I'm cool with it.

#279
Hey, who wants me to read their moon charts?

#280
- Oh, oh. - Yes.

#281
Where's the goddamn drink slave?

#282
Does anybody here do their job?

#283
Oh, hello, Deandra.

#284
Hey. 15, huh?

#285
Nice. I underestimated you, champ.

#286
I'm trying to find the guy to get us some more drinks

#287
to calm your nerves, but I think...

#288
Oh, I don't need any more. I found a man

#289
to help me feel safe.

#290
- Who, the waiter? - No.

#291
A real man.

#292
Yo!

#293
Frank. What... What the hell are you doing here?

#294
I'm posting up.

#295
I figure a plane full of broads,

#296
there's gonna be a lot of horny women,

#297
so I'm like a spider waiting back here to catch some flies.

#298
No. No, goddamn it.

#299
This is my all-female version.

#300
You're not supposed to be here.

#301
Whe... In every reboot you gotta have somebody

#302
from the original to make a cameo.

#303
- No. - Hey.

#304
I heard there's a man back here.

#305
Oh. Nope. It's just you.

#306
- Want to rumble? - No, I don't,

#307
but I do want to beat Dennis, so just pop it in.

#308
I'm gonna need more wine.

#309
Whoa, whoa, whoa, drink slave.

#310
Been looking all over the damn plane.

#311
I need more five more bottles.

#312
Sorry, that is not possible.

#313
One of our premier passengers just bought

#314
the rest of the bottles on the plane.

#315
What? Who?

#316
Whoa.

#317
Coach people are not allowed in first class.

#318
Oh.

#319
Okay, so I'm a second-class person?

#320
- Mm. - Is that 'cause I'm a woman?

#321
- Did you hear that, ladies?! - That's not what I said.

#322
Oh, Oh, my God!

#323
Did you just try and slap me in my face?

#324
- No. - Oh, you better say cheese, buddy,

#325
'cause you're about to go viral.

#326
Gotta connect Wi-Fi... Oh, she picked up.

#327
- Oh, hi, Dee. - Hey. Hi.

#328
What are you guys doing on my phone?

#329
How many checks do you have on your...

#330
- It's only got 20-20 beers. - No.

#331
- We knew you wouldn't do it. - No, 20 wines. I sw...

#332
- We had to switch to wine. - Three beers. Three beers.

#333
- They ran out of the beers. - We knew you wouldn't do it.

#334
Wine has a higher blood alcohol content.

#335
They switched to wine 'cause of Women's March.

#336
- There is no smoking in here. - A higher blood alcohol...

#337
Whoever's in... This a friend of yours?

#338
- Who is this? - Oh, my God.

#339
- Goddamn it, Mrs. Mac. - Hello?

#340
Hello?

#341
- It's the women pilots! - What? No.

#342
Oh, we're all gonna crash!

#343
No, we're not. Ma'am. Ma'am.

#344
I've got to get out of here!

#345
- We're fine, calm down. - You've got to take over the controls!

#346
All right, where's the wine?

#347
Which one of you first-class assholes decided

#348
to go and take all the wine?

#349
'Cause I'm gonna be needing a fe-a few of 'em back.

#350
Looking for this?

#351
- Snail? - Yeah.

#352
Heard you were doing the Boggs Soggs lady reboot thing.

#353
Did you lose my invitation?

#354
No. You weren't invited.

#355
Come on. You don't want the coolest chick

#356
in the world around?

#357
You're so jealous, obvi.

#358
I'm not jealous of you, I didn't invite you

#359
because you're the worst.

#360
Oh, really? 'Cause I'm gonna ruin your game now.

#361
Good luck beating the guys.

#362
You're stuck at 20, 'cause I bought all the wine.

#363
Mm-mmm.

#364
- I'm gonna salt you, Snail! (grunts) Back! - Mm-mmm... Mm!

#365
Stop it! Help me!

#366
- Stewardess! - Oh, what now?

#367
♪ When funny little men ♪

#368
♪ Are walking down the golden road ♪

#369
♪ Rainbows, rainbows and wine... ♪

#370
Oh, wine. May I borrow this?

#371
Thank you.

#372
She's gone full Judy Garland. Isn't it glorious?

#373
All right. Well, you don't do the mic thing, though.

#374
The mic thing... Uh, the mic thing is my thing.

#375
♪ Rainbows and wine ♪

#376
♪ Rainbows and... ♪ No! no!

#377
Yeah. Yeah, I did the mic thing last time and it killed,

#378
but when you do it, it just seems to be depressing and sad.

#379
That's because when women drink, it is depressing and sad.

#380
I had sex in the bathroom with Frank,

#381
and now I'm in a shame spiral.

#382
I'm gonna drink myself to death.

#383
Okay, there you go. Whatever keeps you going.

#384
Stand up, though, okay? Stand up, though, Waitress.

#385
No, no, no, no, no. No, no. Stay with me. Hey.

#386
- Stay with me. Hang in there. - Dennis.

#387
Not Dennis! Don't-don't do...

#388
Don't touch me, okay? Wake up. We're not...

#389
Goddamn it. We're not even halfway to California.

#390
Step aside, Dee, and let me do my job.

#391
Fine. Goddamn it.

#392
Giving up so easy?

#393
Martina Navratilova?

#394
I never thought you'd give up when you're so close

#395
to beating the record.

#396
I can't do it, Marty.

#397
- Don't call me that. - Well, I'm all out of booze,

#398
and I'm all out of motivation.

#399
Right? 'Cause my competition pussed out, up there.

#400
And this one back here.

#401
It was my hatred for them

#402
that kept me going.

#403
It's not about hating your opponent.

#404
Chris Evert and I were actually good friends.

#405
We'd play a hard match,

#406
but then go out for dinner after.

#407
Male opponents have the luxury of hating each other.

#408
But, as women, we had to stick together

#409
to fight for the respect we deserve

#410
and grow the sport.

#411
- Get it? - Yeah.

#412
You and Chris were...

#413
No.

#414
- No. - No.

#415
- Okay, I don't get it. - You and your friends need to...

#416
- You know what? Forget it. - What?

#417
You're using me as inspiration,

#418
but you don't know anything about me.

#419
- I don't even look like this. - Yeah, you do.

#420
No, it's just your imagination filling in the blanks.

#421
Really?

#422
Now you're imagining me as Lori Petty

#423
in A League of Their Own.

#424
That was a good female reboot.

#425
No, it was its own thing.

#426
And just so you know, I never drank 70 beers

#427
before winning the California Open.

#428
That's not even a real event.

#429
Your whole hallucination is a mess.

#430
Who cares? Tennis is boring.

#431
Let's face it, I'm not gonna find my Chris Evert

#432
in this sea of duds.

#433
It's over.

#434
Deandra, you should have let them crazy boys do this.

#435
Well, now, don't you start.

#436
I'll be your Chris Evert.

#437
No, get out of here, Snail. I don't respect you.

#438
Oh, yeah? Well, respect this.

#439
I've been playing the game the whole time.

#440
You're one behind me, loser.

#441
Snail.

#442
Let's do this.

#443
Too much spit.

#444
Ah, I did it! I did it.

#445
I'm Mar-I'm Martina!

#446
It's okay, baby girl. It's over.

#447
I know it's over.

#448
'Cause I beat Martina.

#449
I beat Boggs.

#450
I'm about to beat all of 'em.

#451
No. It's over.

#452
I'm pulling the plug on your male hand-me-down plot.

#453
As women, we deserve better.

#454
We deserve our own story.

#455
What is happening?

#456
That tea that I served

#457
was spiked with ayahuasca.

#458
♪ We're talkin' baseball ♪

#459
♪ Kluszewski, Campanella ♪

#460
♪ Talkin' baseball ♪

#461
♪ The Man and Bobby Feller, the Scooter... ♪

#462
Oh, no!

#463
It's coming out both ends.

#464
The maximum gross-out.

#465
So nobody saw that coming from women.

#466
Oh, God, wha... What is going on?

#467
I'm tripping so hard.

#468
Where are we?

#469
Are we in L.A.?

#470
- No. We're in North Dakota. - Mm.

#471
And only those passengers deemed fit to fly

#472
will go on to Los Angeles.

#473
And you're not one of them.

#474
- No. - Oh. Wait.

#475
One more thing.

#476
Mm...

#477
Okay.

#478
Bye-bye. Thank you for flying with us.

#479
California, USA.

#480
- Meh. - Mmm...

#481
Meh.

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