Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S13E04 — Time's Up for the Gang

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 13, Episode 4 — Time's Up for the Gang

#3
Charlie, this is a sexual harassment seminar.

#4
There are no "good seats." Where are you going?

#6
I mean, I'm not saying it doesn't happen to, like,

#7
loads of women all the time,

#8
but I don't harass anybody, so why am I here?

#9
Because some Internet warrior put Paddy's on a list

#10
of unsafe places for women. And we can't have that, okay?

#11
- Not in this climate. - Right.

#12
Ugh! You kids and your climates.

#13
Back in the day, I banged all my secretaries.

#14
- Frank. - That's the way you did it.

#15
You hire some girl with no experience,

#16
you bang her, you promote her.

#17
It's a win-win situation for everybody,

#18
except for the wives.

#19
Frank, modulate your volume, okay? This is serious, okay?

#21
You guys should be really worried.

#22
I'm not worried about anything, man.

#23
If anyone should be worried about weird shit with women, it's you, bro.

#24
The only reason we're here

#25
is because you DENNIS'd someone, probably,

#26
and she put us on the list. We're only here 'cause of you.

#28
- You happy? - Happy?

#29
You guys, this isn't about me. I don't know if you noticed,

#30
but women are on a little bit of a rampage right now

#31
and anyone could be taken down at any moment,

#32
so, you know, no, I'm not happy right now.

#33
Who could possibly be happy right now?

#34
Hey-o! Who's ready to party?!

#36
♪ Time's up, time's up, time's up. ♪

#37
Hello. I'm Kate.

#38
And I want to begin today by addressing the reason

#39
that we're all here, the so-called

#41
Ah, yes. Uh, just a quick question.

#42
How many points do we need?

#43
I'm sorry, points?

#44
Yeah, how many points do we need to score

#45
to get our name taken off the list?

#46
Oh. No, there's no points.

#47
Everything is graded by points, right?

#48
I mean, otherwise, how could the Eagles have won the Super Bowl, right?

#49
All you have to do is complete the seminar

#50
and then your bar will have its name removed from the list.

#51
- There you go. Simple. - Yeah, but our-our name

#52
shouldn't even be on that list 'cause, like,

#53
we don't really have any history of misbehavior at Paddy's Pub.

#54
Well, I'm sure a lot of people here today feel that way,

#56
And your dicks in your pants.

#57
Ma'am, that kind of language is inappropriate in a professional setting.

#58
That's one of the things that you'll learn in the seminar.

#59
Uh, yes? Do you have a question?

#60
Statute of limitations.

#62
but since you asked, the federal law is 300 days

#63
from the last act, depending on the state and...

#65
- Frank! - What?

#67
Hold on a second there.

#68
Uh, pardon me, Kate, but, um, aren't some states considering

#70
Some states like, uh, Nevada?

#71
Yes, that's right.

#72
Can they do that?

#74
Nevada, huh?

#75
Ah, it's getting warm in here.

#77
You can continue now.

#78
I promise you there will be no further interruptions.

#79
Right. We're gonna jump right into the group work.

#80
Half of you are gonna go with me

#81
and the rest will be led by my associate Alan.

#83
Oh! Here comes the boss man.

#84
- Finally, a dude. - Yeah.

#85
Yeah, okay, cool. He's in charge.

#88
That's, uh, that's gonna be a lot harder for me

#90
I'm gonna make you so proud.

#91
I'm gonna work really hard and get all the points and...

#93
Well, that's how the Eagles won the Super Bowl.

#94
I know that's how the Eagles won the... but this isn't the Eagles. Okay?

#96
- Oh, go Birds, go Birds. - All right, fine, go Birds. Yes.

#97
I know. Go Birds. Get your hand off my knee.

#98
Look, just sit here and do nothing.

#99
So, in this room

#100
we're going to be talking about harassment

#101
in the workplace.

#103
I'll just need another volunteer from the group.

#104
- Oh! Oh! Alan! - Alan! Alan! Alan!

#105
- Uh, so, uh... - Alan! Alan!

#106
Sir, would you mind just jumping in for me?

#107
Thank you.

#108
Um, great. So just read from the script and I'll jump in as and when.

#109
"Good morning, boss."

#110
"Hello, Johnson. Have that report on my desk by 5:00.

#112
And stop.

#113
Now, can anyone tell me what the boss did wrong there?

#114
Yeah. He mumbled his lines. I didn't believe a word out of his mouth.

#115
Uh, no, sorry. I mean in the scenario.

#117
B-But she didn't hear it.

#118
This is just locker room talk between guys.

#119
Now, that's actually a common misconception, okay?

#120
Lewd comments can be a form of harassment

#121
even if directed to a third party.

#122
- But it's not for her. It's about her. - No, sorry. It's-it's actually,

#123
it's the employee who's talking to the boss

#124
that is the one that was offended.

#125
- What? Why? - No, no, no, the employee

#126
- would find it hilarious. - Yeah.

#127
I mean, not this guy 'cause the boss sucks at telling jokes.

#129
Well, also, we really don't know how funny the joke is yet

#130
'cause we haven't seen the girl's boobs. Can we see them?

#132
Maybe try a different scenario. Thanks, gents.

#133
Just, uh, uh, take a seat.

#135
- I am the head of security at Paddy's Pub. - He's our doorman.

#137
Great. So, you check IDs. That-that sort of thing.

#138
- He should. - Not once has he ever checked an ID.

#139
- It's one aspect of the job. - Yeah, he should.

#140
Why don't you, why don't you hop up here and we'll do a little

#141
scenario that-that might be a little more familiar to you.

#142
- You are very tall. - Yes, I am.

#143
Now, should I take my shirt off for the scenario?

#144
Because I feel like standing next to you,

#146
but if I were to take my shirt off, they would be intimidated.

#147
I'm not in the scenario.

#148
- We're good. We're good. - Yeah, we're okay.

#149
- We get it. We get it. - That's him doing his gay guy thing.

#150
So, uh, can we also get a female customer?

#151
- Ooh, yeah. - A volunteer?

#152
I will be the young female customer.

#153
Young female customer. Great, good. Yes.

#154
Okay. Well, um, just, uh, do your job as you would normally

#155
and I will, um, you know, jump in if you cross over into any gray areas.

#156
Okay. So what's my character?

#157
Uh, you're just trying to get into the bar.

#158
Yeah, but why?

#159
To get a drink, I suppose.

#160
Why? I just drank three beers on the way over.

#161
You don't show up at a bar sober.

#162
What a waste of money. What are you gonna...

#163
Just you're trying to get into the bar.

#164
- I'm here for revenge. - Okay. Sure.

#165
Alan, what's my character again?

#166
- You're the doorman. - Right.

#167
And how many drinks have I had at this point?

#168
You are... you're not in the scenario.

#169
- I've had five. - Okay. Marvelous.

#170
Let's, uh, let's begin whenever you're ready.

#171
Excuse me, sir, have you...

#172
I got your cargo!

#173
- Whoa! - Wow.

#174
Jesus Christ.

#175
Why did you do that?

#176
Oh, well, well, she came at me,

#177
- and it was sort of my instinct. - That was amazing.

#178
- That was great, right? - You got me, like, a foot off the ground.

#179
- A-Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah. No, it doesn't hurt.

#180
Did it-did it make you feel humiliated?

#181
Did it make you-make you feel small?

#182
That's what it is, it made me feel teeny-tiny.

#183
- Like Thumbelina. - That's what I was going for. Thumbelina!

#184
That's the highest I've ever gotten.

#185
He's never gotten me that high before.

#186
You're lucky I haven't called the police.

#187
Why-why would you call the police?

#188
Oh, wait. H-Hold on. Is that sexual harassment?

#189
No, that is sexual assault.

#190
- Really? - Assault?

#191
No. Dee, Dee. I did not assault you.

#192
Please tell Alan that I did not assault you.

#193
Well, now that I've gotten a little distance from the event...

#194
Wha... No, Alan, we do this kind of stuff all the time.

#195
W... Charlie, would you tell him?

#196
- He's gone. - If you do this all the time,

#197
you-you've got a big problem, all right? She could press charges.

#198
- Could I? - No.

#199
No! Dee. No.

#200
- He just said I could, so... - Oh, God.

#201
It just, i-it... did somebody turn up the heat?

#202
Yeah, you sweating? You sweating a little bit, Ronald?

#203
- Yeah? - No, it's just the climate is...

#204
But the term "sexual harassment"

#205
wasn't coined until 1975,

#206
- by a woman named Carmita Wood. - Carmita Wood. Oh. I'm sorry.

#207
- Sorry. - You really know your history.

#208
- Well, this is important stuff. - Oh, please.

#209
- God, get lost, Dee. - No way, I'm on a roll.

#210
So who could tell me... Hey.

#211
Is it sexual harassment when a man

#212
constantly calls his female coworker a bird?

#213
That depends. Is that a sexual innuendo of some kind?

#214
Just a big dumb flightless bird.

#215
Well, it's not very nice, but it's not sexual harassment.

#216
Nice try, you dumb bitch.

#217
Um, Kate, if I may, yeah.

#218
Um, federal law really only recognizes

#219
two types of sexual harassment:

#220
quid pro quo and hostile work environment.

#221
That is very good, Dennis.

#222
- Thank you. - No, no, don't do that.

#223
This man is a monster. Believe you me.

#224
- What? - He is the worst person I know.

#225
You got to protect me on this, Larry.

#226
I... Start with the secretaries.

#227
Oh, Jesus Christ, Frank. Pants.

#228
I was sweating through my clothes.

#229
It's this damn climate.

#230
Sir, that robe is inappropriate.

#231
- And I don't think... - Hon, I'm on the phone, you see?

#232
I don't know. I bought her a Camaro. No,

#233
you know I don't go Chinese.

#234
I don't know why, I just don't.

#235
Korean?

#236
Oh, put her on the list. I really did a number on her.

#237
Yeah...

#238
Why don't we take a break?

#239
Got to get your shit together, Frank.

#240
- You... - Oh, I wish I was dead.

#241
These vultures are picking my carcass clean.

#242
Whoa, Frank. Hey, stop talking.

#243
- Where'd you get that robe? - Upstairs.

#244
I got to get one of them, man. Nice.

#245
Whoa. Wait, Jesus, Mac. What the hell happened to you?

#246
I'm gonna be honest. The first half has not gone well.

#247
- You got exposed, too? - Oh, yeah, he did. Big time.

#248
He did a role-play thing, it went bad.

#249
Wait, role-playing thing? Y-You were supposed to do nothing.

#250
I mean, n-now you're all sweaty and twitchy?

#251
Well, it's-it's so hot in here.

#252
I mean, I feel like they crank up the heat.

#253
Oh, they cranked it up. I'm roasting.

#254
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Which one of you just grabbed my ass?

#255
Did you see that? Did you see...

#256
Th-That is a problem for us.

#257
Their powers are growing. Okay?

#258
Now, we got to start taking this more seriously, okay?

#259
Can you guys just go back in there and do nothing, okay?

#260
Just don't say or do anything.

#261
Can anyone tell me

#262
the two types of sexual harassment?

#263
Oh. Oh, oh. Uh, uh, flirting and groping.

#264
No! Uh, groping and-and dick pics.

#265
Yeah, I-I know that sending dick pics is one of them.

#266
You're kidding. Christ.

#267
- I got to shoot some texts. - Actually,

#268
it's quid pro quo and hostile work environment.

#269
Would you please stop interrupting me? Because...

#270
- Ooh, ooh, burn. - And you.

#271
Could you please sit down?

#272
- No, it's cool. I'm on your side. - There are no sides.

#273
Shit, I just looked at her tits.

#274
- Frank! Don't tell her that. - Okay, don't panic.

#275
A passing glance is not sexual harassment.

#276
Oh. I like your tactic here. Get them all horny with your titties.

#277
That's when they make their mistakes.

#278
Ma'am, that's victim blaming.

#279
No, I'm blaming Frank. He's been staring at your boobs

#280
this whole time. Still doing it.

#281
Frank!

#282
What? I'm not allowed to like things anymore?

#283
- It's a compliment. - How is that a compliment?

#284
Well, they're not that great.

#285
Make her feel good.

#286
- Hey, hey, hey. Don't let them get to you. - Okay...

#287
Okay? Your tits are fine.

#288
Okay, everybody,

#289
if, uh, you could take a seat, please.

#290
So, now what we're gonna do is, uh,

#291
imagine a-a hypothetical scenario,

#292
uh, based right here in Philadelphia.

#293
So, uh, imagine a-a woman, we'll call her "the waitress,"

#294
who works at a local coffee shop.

#295
Now, i-in this particular instance, this waitress

#296
is being harassed by one of her customers.

#297
He's following her home from work, uh,

#298
digging through her trash and calling her repeatedly,

#299
until she complains to her boss about it.

#300
Now, the boss does nothing.

#301
Can anyone tell me who's legally at fault here?

#302
- Ooh. Wow, what do you think, Charlie? - Yeah.

#303
I-I think the waitress is.

#304
Y-You know, 'cause, for... She doesn't realize

#305
that, like, true love is in front of her stupid face.

#306
- Well... - Why would she say that's an assault?

#307
Hold on a second. Now, this is just a-this is just

#308
a hypothetical, uh, scenario that he's painting.

#309
He's not getting the whole big picture, right?

#310
- Well, of course, it's a hypothetical. - I know, but maybe

#311
she, like, only thought, like,

#312
she wasn't into him, but then, like,

#313
15 years later, when she needed a baby, like,

#314
really bad, and she'd been in and out of, like,

#315
- a women's shelter, he banged her. - Sorry.

#316
That-that doesn't mean that the customer didn't harass.

#317
All right, well then, I think all of the customers' friends

#318
harassed her, too, because they all banged her.

#319
- I mean, he did. - That's true.

#320
Oh, well, don't bring me into th...

#321
This is a hypothetical scenario. I'm not involved.

#322
- Neither are you. - She also did hand stuff to Mac.

#323
She did. I-It wasn't very good, though.

#324
All right, look, are you trying to tell me that no matter what,

#325
it's always just gonna be the customer's fault?

#326
It is, in fact, the boss's fault.

#327
The boss.

#328
Well, that makes sense. I always hated Seth.

#329
- He's a real creep. - Well, you don't know his name

#330
because this is hypothetical, and he didn't say t-that...

#331
Well, it doesn't matter anyway, 'cause she just said

#332
what I-what I did to her wasn't harassment

#333
because Seth did it to her.

#334
Sorry. I... Can I just make this very clear, okay?

#335
What the customer did was harassment.

#336
- Right. - Yes. If it were you.

#337
And so, take in the information, but don't take it personally.

#338
Uh, yeah, technically, don't, like, I get, like, a free pass

#339
and stuff? 'Cause I mean, I was molested.

#340
Ah... W-Well, now, actually, that is true.

#341
He did get molested by his Uncle Jack.

#342
His-his Uncle Jack got to him pretty good.

#343
- No, Uncle Jack never molested me. - Oh.

#344
- I dodged him. - Oh, no, he got you. He got you.

#345
- He got you big time. - You weren't there.

#346
- You wrote a whole play about it. - Yeah, you did write a play.

#347
- I got molested by Dee. - What?!

#348
What? Oh, c... That's ludicrous.

#349
No, it's true. Like, a couple years ago,

#350
she banged me, and I didn't want to do it.

#351
- There you go. - Wait, wait. You had sex with Charlie?

#352
- Oh, God. - You had sex with Dee?

#353
- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

#354
We, okay, it was a mistake.

#355
- Yeah, I'll say. - I-It... I re-I regret every second of it,

#356
- but it was consensual. - It was not!

#357
I totally wanted her to stop, and, like,

#358
I was very intimidated by her larger frame.

#359
- Oh, yeah, I can see that. Yeah. - So, you know.

#360
I have a petite frame. I... I-It's a Thumbelina frame.

#361
- I don't... Not to me. - Y-You didn't tell me to stop.

#362
Yeah, and I kept saying...

#363
And you're like, "Shut up! Stop talking! Be still.

#364
"Let me do my thing. I can't, I can't get off

#365
with you moving and talking and shit."

#366
Oh, shit. Yup. That's ringing a bell.

#367
Jesus, Dee. Ugh, God.

#368
All right, but, yeah...

#369
Either way, It does... I can't molest you, you know?

#370
It doesn't work that way, 'cause I'm a woman and you're the man.

#371
Right, right? Back me up, girlfriend.

#372
Actually, a woman can sexually harass and even rape a man.

#373
Is that what happened here?

#374
Gosh, I mean, maybe.

#375
No, no, no, no. You don't, you don't just throw around

#376
the-the "R" word, Kate. It's hot, right?

#377
Yello?

#378
What? Wha... Well, find her through the abortion records.

#379
Can the group from Paddy's Pub please focus up.

#380
You guys have been very disruptive.

#381
Well, maybe you should explain it more better,

#382
because I'm totally confused about...

#383
Maybe if you stopped interrupting.

#384
Maybe if you two stopped sucking a fat dick.

#385
You do suck a fat dick.

#386
You've sucked a dick through this process.

#387
What? Are you kidding me? After all of this,

#388
I ended up firing her?

#389
Oh, my God.

#390
Hey, Larry? How soon can you get to the Hyatt?

#391
My dong fell out. Some woman saw it.

#392
Well, goddamn it.

#393
All right, calm down, calm down.

#394
It's o... Everybody take it easy, everybody take a deep breath.

#395
You know, we're gonna get through this, I-I think.

#396
Look, Kate, uh, you two are clearly

#397
a little in over your heads, here.

#398
Right? Yeah. You're never gonna be able to rein in

#399
this particular group, so I tell you what--

#400
I have some experience running, uh,

#401
little educational seminars like this,

#402
so why don't I take over for a little bit?

#403
You guys, scoot. All right? On your bikes.

#404
Here's a statistic for you:

#405
100% of men are capable of being sexual harassers.

#406
And 100% of women

#407
are capable of being sexually harassed.

#408
Now, am I saying that all men

#409
are sexual harassers? No, no, no, no. No, no.

#410
Of course not. No. Absolutely not. No.

#411
Yes, some men are, uh, well,

#412
they're-they're sexual harassers,

#413
but they don't represent all men, you know,

#414
just like all women aren't represented

#415
by a few bad ones, you know? Women like, uh...

#416
You know, and of course...

#417
And then we got...

#418
Point is,

#419
that gender really doesn't have anything to do with it.

#420
There's really only one thing that determines

#421
whether a person will be accused of sexual harassment,

#422
and that is...

#423
ugliness.

#424
Let me explain.

#425
Now, see, here's a, here's a graph of ugliness

#426
as it relates to time.

#427
Now, you see how the, how the arrow plunges

#428
pretty steeply downward as your ugliness increases.

#429
Now, I want you to imagine a scenario for me.

#430
This man walks into work one day,

#431
sees a woman, and says, "I like your dress."

#432
Oh. Mildly sexual, but innocuous enough, yeah.

#433
Now imagine the same sentence spoken by this man.

#434
Yeah.

#435
Suddenly, you're very uncomfortable.

#436
We're all uncomfortable just looking at him now.

#437
Because he's gross, he's ugly, he's a little bit of a monster.

#438
Now, is it this man's fault that he looks this way?

#439
No. He was, he was born this way, but the point is,

#440
I know it's not my fault, you know? Is it your fault? I don't think so.

#441
It's certainly not the woman's fault, you know?

#442
Point is, know your place, monster man. Your time's up.

#443
Now, I know what you're thinking.

#444
You're thinking, "How do I know if I'm ugly?

#445
Well, if you're not sure,

#446
probably best to assume that you are.

#447
Everyone in this room is. I-I did a scan.

#448
Now here's the part where you say,

#449
"But, Dennis, I can't be ugly,

#450
I'm rich."

#451
And, yes, money can offset and reduce ugliness,

#452
but it actually increases your risk.

#453
You see, a construction worker, he can can catcall women

#454
all day long, right? And he gets away with it

#455
'cause nobody gives a shit, but a rich guy...

#456
A rich guy's fun to take down.

#457
Time's up.

#458
"But, Dennis," you're saying,

#459
"I can't be ugly, and-and it doesn't matter,

#460
because I'm gay."

#461
Well, guess what, pal?

#462
You-you are ugly,

#463
and it doesn't matter how much you work out.

#464
It's never gonna change that fact.

#465
You've also objectified tons of men, including me.

#466
You know, you got to stop kissing me, man.

#467
I don't want it. I don't want you touching me at all.

#468
Okay, it's never gonna happen. All right?

#469
Not willingly. Your time's up.

#470
"But Dennis, I can't be ugly. I'm a hopeless romantic."

#471
But no, you're-you're not.

#472
Okay, you're-you're a sad, pathetic wretch of a man,

#473
so desperate to be loved

#474
that you'll actually go rifling through somebody's garbage.

#475
And there's nothing--

#476
nothing-- more unattractive than desperation.

#477
Yeah, so you te... No, not him.

#478
No, talking about you. No.

#479
Not him, either. Yeah, I am talking

#480
about y... You know what, never mind. Your time's up.

#481
"But Dennis...

#482
"I-I... See, I can't be ugly, right?

#483
I'm a woman."

#484
Well, no, women can be ugly,

#485
and you are one of them.

#486
One of the ugly ones. You're lanky, and your hair's--

#487
well, it looks like a wig. Yeah. What's going on?

#488
Is it a wig? Doesn't matter. Your time's up.

#489
But guys,

#490
I got some good news for you.

#491
Okay? It's not a crime to be ugly.

#492
But you can't be ugly

#493
and sloppy.

#494
So, take me, for example.

#495
I'm neither. Yeah, you see that?

#496
That is 11% body fat. Now, the only place you're gonna...

#497
- What year was that photo taken? - No, no, no.

#498
Not taking questions right now, Mac. So just... Yeah.

#499
Point is, I keep my body tight.

#500
But I also keep my life tight.

#501
I got the tapes. I got the receipts.

#502
They're all time-stamped and coded.

#503
After every encounter, I received a text

#504
confirming each partner's consent and enjoyment.

#505
Now, you may ask, "Well...

#506
would a woman really-really text that, Dennis?"

#507
Their phones did.

#508
I got the documents to prove it, so don't try coming at me.

#509
But some of you--

#510
you just haven't been careful enough.

#511
So you're asking yourself, "What can I do to save myself now?"

#512
You got to clean up your act. Otherwise, you're going down,

#513
and you're gonna take me down with you,

#514
and I ain't going down.

#515
You understand? I've been telling you this for years,

#516
but you refused to listen.

#517
And so that's why I had to find a way to make you listen,

#518
which is why I created the Shitty Bar List.

#519
What?

#520
That's right.

#521
I made the spreadsheet, I posted it online,

#522
and I even hired these two bozos to host the seminar.

#523
Wait, you hired us?

#524
You're a monster.

#525
Oh, yeah? Prove it.

#526
Oh, wow! I feel like we should clap.

#527
- Yeah. - Yeah.

#528
- That was pretty good. - That was awesome.

#529
Yeah. I'm gonna be honest, I didn't follow most of it,

#530
- but so cool, man. - Yeah.

#531
Pretty drastic move to publicly expose us,

#532
but I see why you did it.

#533
Yeah, but it's true. I mean, women are out to get us.

#534
Well, well, no, no. Women are right.

#535
I mean, men are monsters. We're constantly harassing them.

#536
I'm just saying we need to be more careful

#537
so we don't get accused.

#538
And we should probably stop harassing them.

#539
Uh, well, you know, I don't know. One step at a time.

#540
We don't want the whole system to collapse,

#541
- you know what I mean? - Ease-ease into it.

#542
- It'd be chaotic. Yeah, yeah. - Ease into it.

#543
Yeah.

#544
Yeah, yeah. You guys want to go grab some margaritas by the pool?

#545
- I do. - Booze.

#546
- I'm ready for some booze. - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

#547
- Let's go. - Yeah.

#548
Me, too. Oh!

#549
- Oh, "MeToo." - Very good.

#550
- That's great. - Very good, and for a woman, a good joke.

#551
Hey, you guys think that Alan guy's got a big dick?

#552
- Oh, yeah. - Huge.

#553
I saw it in the bathroom. I sought it out.

#554
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

« Prev Page 1 of 1 Next » Back to Search