Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S13E06 — The Gang Solves the Bathroom Problem

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 13, Episode 6 — The Gang Solves the Bathroom Problem

#1
All right, well, that about does it,

#2
which means we are officially

#3
- on island time. - Oh, yeah.

#4
- Yeah, baby. - Here we go.

#5
- Island time. - Ah, Frank.

#6
I'm so excited about this concert.

#7
- Thank you for the tickets. - Yeah.

#8
- Oh, I love Jimmy Buffett. - Oh, yeah.

#9
And those Parrothead broads, they're wild.

#10
- I noticed that. They're nuts. - Yeah, yeah.

#12
I hope he plays "The Piña Colada Song," man.

#13
- Oh, yeah, that's the best. - I gotta hear it.

#14
Yeah, I wish he would, too, but he won't,

#15
'cause that's, uh, that's not Buffett.

#16
- Huh? - Yeah, no. H-He does.

#17
It's, uh, the one that goes...

#18
- ♪ If you like piña coladas ♪ - ♪ Coladas ♪

#20
Yeah, no, I know the song, I know the song,

#21
but it's sung by a man named Rupert Holmes.

#22
- Who? - Are you sure? I feel like that's Buffett.

#23
We've been going to see Buffett for 20 years.

#25
No, but he's not gonna play all

#26
of his hits every single time.

#27
Yeah, no, he is. That's what he does.

#28
That's actually the only thing he does.

#29
And that's just not one of them. But, hey, listen, buddy,

#31
and request away. I won't stop you.

#32
♪ If you like making love at midnight ♪

#34
Oh! I hope he plays that one.

#35
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all do. - Yeah, he won't, he won't.

#36
- W-Were you in the women's room? - Mm-hmm.

#37
Well, don't do that. Don't use my bathroom.

#38
Why not?

#40
Oh, no. Well, now, as a gay man,

#41
I just feel more comfortable in the ladies' room.

#42
Oh, come on, the-- with the gay thing again.

#43
Like, look, it makes me uncomfortable

#44
that you're in there using my bathroom. How about that?

#45
Look, the whole men's and women's

#46
bathroom thing is antiquated.

#48
Get off me! Get off me!

#49
- Get him off me! - Settle down!

#50
Don't. Come on. L-Listen--

#51
I know, I know, listen.

#52
We always do this. We...

#53
We always get in some major tiff right before Buffett,

#54
and then, you know, it just, it just ruins

#55
- the whole island vibe, you know? - Yeah.

#56
Come on. We're not doing that this time.

#57
All right? This whole bathroom issue

#58
is a simple problem with a simple solution.

#59
So why don't we just sit here and let's just figure it out.

#60
All right, now we're talking.

#61
I tell ya, there's never been a problem so big,

#63
and a little Chinese takeout.

#64
We should've got cheeseburgers.

#66
for paradise.

#67
- I get it. - That is Buffett, that one, right?

#68
- Yeah, that's Buffett. - That's Buffett, okay, cool.

#69
Uh, if I may go first. I'd like to go first.

#70
Oh, are we doing a whole stand up...?

#71
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's gonna do it.

#72
Now, guys, I believe that, as a gay man,

#74
because I feel more comfortable around women.

#75
- Okay, why? - Well, "A," we both like dudes,

#77
- so there's no hanky-panky. - Well, that tracks.

#78
- Yeah, sure, that makes sense. - Yeah, yeah.

#79
Done! I'm using the ladies' bathroom, right?

#80
N-n-n-n-n-n-- My turn.

#81
- My turn, right? - Oh, do you have to...?

#82
- The floor is yours. - I thought Mac just solved it.

#83
- No. No, no. Okay. - No. -All right.

#85
for example-- and, "B," I find you disgusting.

#86
I don't want men pooping next to me.

#87
Would you let a trans woman go in there?

#88
Of course I would.

#89
- But not me? - No, not you, because you're a man.

#90
You're a gay man, but you're still a man.

#91
I don't know why you're being such a bitch

#92
about this, Dee. I've been pooping next to you for months.

#93
- What are you talking about? - You've been in the stall

#94
next to me.

#95
I-I recognize you from those pink heels you have.

#97
The ones with the straps that-that make those giant feet

#98
look so dainty and cute.

#99
Mac, I don't know what you're talking about.

#100
Mm, uh...

#104
is about why this bathroom is so much cleaner than ours.

#105
Don't worry about it, this is the last time

#106
you're gonna be in here.

#107
Charlie, what is taking so long?

#108
Give me a minute. Give me a minute!

#109
Uh...

#110
Oh, there they are!

#111
Those are the pink heels I was talking about.

#112
Charlie, are you a cross-dresser?

#113
No! I just like to use the women's bathroom,

#115
And very clean.

#116
Yeah, and, look, I-I just,

#117
whatever, I slip on the heels,

#118
in case someone looked under the stall.

#119
I didn't want anyone to be uncomfortable.

#120
- That's it. - Okay. But what's with the wig?

#121
Come on!

#122
Don't make me do the whole thing.

#125
Goddamn it. It...

#128
the whole look together, so, you know...

#129
You are a cross-dresser.

#130
No, I'm not. Look, I was raised

#131
by a single mother, you know?

#132
And we were always on the go, and sometimes

#133
we'd be at, like, a museum or, you know, a stadium,

#134
and I'd have to go to the bathroom, and my mom wasn't

#135
gonna put me in the men's room by myself,

#137
She would slip it on, and I would go in and out

#138
of the women's bathroom and no one would notice.

#139
And then, you know, as the years went by,

#140
I just got more comfortable pooping

#141
with a dress, so, whatever, it's not that weird.

#142
- Hold on, though, it's very, very weird. - It is so weird.

#143
Look, lots of people do it. It's...

#144
- I doubt it. - I don't know anybody who does it.

#145
- Uh, no. - Not one person on the planet.

#146
It is what it is, I mean,

#147
it's the only way I can poop, so...

#148
- O-kay. - I guess it is what it is.

#149
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. - It is what it is, and it is very strange,

#150
but it does bring up an interesting point.

#151
You see, Dee, you did mention moments ago

#152
that you would be comfortable having

#153
a transgender woman use your bathroom.

#154
Of course I would, so what?

#155
- Well... - No. That's not,

#156
that's not the same thing, he's not transgender.

#157
Well, no. He's-he's not transgender,

#158
but he identifies as a woman when he poops.

#159
No. No. Goddamn it, you're only saying that

#160
'cause my bathroom's nicer.

#161
No, no. I-I think, I think Mac is right.

#162
I think this system is antiquated, and I think--

#163
- Is that, is that a hand dryer? - Oh, damn.

#164
- Yeah, there's a hand dryer in here. - Oh, goddamn it.

#165
Well, let's vote. All those in favor.

#166
- MAC/DENNIS/CHARLIE/FRANK: Aye. - No. Goddamn it.

#167
Nice. Okay, well, I knew we could solve it, guys.

#168
- This is great. - And then should we also change

#169
the signs on the doors

#170
to reflect that it's not a boys' room

#171
- and a girls' room anymore? - Right. Yeah, no.

#172
We'll pop some new signs on there real fast.

#173
You know, so it's clear that any gender can use any bathroom.

#174
- Yeah, yeah. - How hard could that be?

#175
The dress is making me have to poop really bad, so I'm gonna...

#176
Okay, let's do it.

#177
- Oh, goddamn it. - Gotta poop, gotta poop.

#178
W-Wait, wait, wait, wait. So, I'm sorry,

#179
what's wrong with this one again?

#180
Well, I think it's confusing, is what the problem is.

#181
- Mm. Mm-hmm. - Like, maybe we need words

#182
or something.

#183
Well, also, like, what's with the floating starfish

#184
trying to eat the rock?

#185
- That's a baby. - That's a baby?

#186
- Yes, that's a... - That's a baby?

#187
So, now what's happening, you got wheelchair guy's back there

#188
throwing babies around trying to get them in wheelchairs?

#189
- It's confusing. - Okay, all right.

#190
So what if I cover up the baby, how about now?

#191
I don't get it. Now it looks like you either got to be

#192
in a wheelchair or a he-she to go poop in there.

#193
No, no, no, no, Frank, come on, don't say "he-she."

#194
What?

#195
- It's hermaphrodite. - Oh, nope.

#196
Dee, you can't say that anymore, either.

#197
- It's intersex. - Well, this is all confusing.

#198
Why do I have to keep learning new things?

#199
How about this?

#200
We'll call the bathrooms gender neutral.

#201
That makes me uncomfortable, because I'm not neutral

#202
- about my gender. - Mm.

#203
- So now you're uncomfortable, okay. - Okay.

#204
We put one sign on each door, both of them say "gender fluid."

#205
Right. 'Cause that-that implies, like, you're this,

#206
- you're that. - I don't know. I don't like

#207
thinking about gender fluids.

#208
Like, just, uh, it's a gross image to me.

#209
- All right. Well... - You know what? Look, look.

#210
It's just all so confusing.

#211
You know, we got to make this much simpler.

#212
I have an idea, if I could just go do one that I think will

#213
- clear it all up. - Great. Go for it, buddy. Hop to it.

#214
All right, do it, yeah.

#215
- Quick. - Is the Internet working?

#216
- Hmm... - Well, hang on. Hey.

#217
Yes, but you stay off it. You stay...

#218
- No. No. - No, no. I'm just...

#219
You crashed our last three laptops, man.

#220
- You are not doing it again. - Bring it out here.

#221
Do it out here where we can see what you're doing.

#222
- No, I'll do it in the office. - Do it in front of us.

#223
It'll take me, like, two minutes. Two minutes.

#224
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - You go fast.

#225
I'm-I'm finished.

#226
- I'm finally finished. - Oh, God. It's about time.

#227
Goddamn it.

#228
- He's limping. - Are you chafed?

#229
- He's chafed. - Huh? Oh, yeah. Super chafed.

#230
Hey, do you know

#231
how to get Russian malware out of a computer?

#232
- No. - Then the computer's broken. Yeah.

#233
- Yeah. - Aw!

#234
- Yeah, but the sign's done. - All right, man.

#235
Let's see what you got.

#236
What do you think?

#237
Well, I don't know what I'm looking at.

#238
Yeah. What-what am I seeing here?

#239
It's just dicks.

#240
- No. There's... I mean, yes. - Oh.

#241
There are a couple of dicks, but...

#242
- It's mostly dicks. - That's a lot of dicks.

#243
- Oh, now... now all I see is dicks. - Mm-hmm.

#244
No, there's also pictures

#245
of road kill and roast beef sandwiches

#246
to accurately depict what a vagina looks like.

#247
- Okay. - Anyone else uncomfortable?

#248
All right. Moving on.

#249
All right. I'm just gonna go back to the office.

#250
- No, you stay here. - No. No, no, no. No!

#251
You are not going back to the...

#252
- Yeah. - All right, all right.

#253
So, this... I think this covers it all, right?

#254
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think. Yeah. There's the man.

#255
- Uh-huh. - The woman.

#256
- Mm-hmm. - That's the he-shes,

#257
or the interspecies, whatever it is.

#258
Yeah, whatever you said.

#259
And this is Christians,

#260
- Muslims. - I assume

#261
the dollar sign is meant to represent Jews?

#262
Well, it ain't the Mormons.

#263
- Uh... - Let's not get into that.

#264
Okay, you know what?

#265
- Why-why are we bringing...? - I was against it. Yeah.

#266
Why are we bringing religion into this at all?

#267
Because I want to know who's in there,

#268
- because it'll make me feel safer. - Oh, goddamn.

#269
Can we please put two signs on the doors?

#270
- Both signs say "toilet." - Yeah...

#271
- Oh. - There's a toilet in there,

#272
and that's all you really need to know.

#273
You make a good point. I think that would work.

#274
Could say "toilet,"

#275
and then it's kind of your choice which one you use.

#276
- Just "toilet." - That actually does work.

#277
- I feel like that totally works. - Yeah.

#278
- We solved it? - Okay, great. We so...

#279
- Did we do it? - We solved it!

#280
- We solved it! - Oh, my God!

#281
- Let's get the hell out of here. - All right.

#282
I feel like it was my idea, but, yeah.

#283
Oh, you son of a bitch. Just go.

#284
- I think I said it first. - Just go.

#285
You guys, you go, and I'll-I'll lock up, okay?

#286
I've had Chinese food. It wants out, so...

#287
- Yeah. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

#288
whoa, whoa, whoa.

#289
Why aren't you using the good bathroom?

#290
Well, 'cause I'm about to do some real damage.

#291
I don't... I don't want to do it in the good bathroom.

#292
Well, I'm-I'm uncomfortable with that.

#293
- How? - So close.

#294
We were so close.

#295
Well, because I just don't want to share my bathroom

#296
- with a bunch of broads. - What happened, Frank?

#297
- We decided we were all cool with it. - We were fine.

#298
I didn't know she was gonna smash in there.

#299
A woman is not a lady when she's dumping up a john.

#300
Also, this brings up an interesting point.

#301
We should probably confine Dee's damage

#302
to, like, one bathroom or the other, you know?

#303
Otherwise, I'm gonna have to clean both.

#304
Charlie, you're the janitor.

#305
You should be cleaning both bathrooms regardless.

#306
- He hasn't been. - Clean both bathrooms!

#307
I do it.

#308
Yeah, all right. Well, now you're just, like,

#309
kind of getting off-topic here, you know?

#310
I have an idea. The guys should be able

#311
to pick whichever bathroom they want.

#312
- Dee has to stay in hers. - What?!

#313
- All in favor. - Hey, that's majority rules.

#314
- Get out of here. - Yeah, yeah.

#315
- There you go. Solves it. - No. No, no, no.

#316
Absolutely not. No. You guys can't take away

#317
my right to choose.

#318
- Oh, you want to go there? - I do want to go there.

#319
My body, my choice. It says so in the Constitution.

#320
- Okay, well, the Bible says... - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

#321
No, no, no, no, no, no. Guys, don't do this. No, come on.

#322
It's crazy. All right. Don't make this about abortion.

#323
Guys, we always do this. We veer wildly off-topic,

#324
and the next thing you know, we're having some ridiculous

#325
argument that has nothing to do with what we're trying

#326
- to solve, you know. - And then tempers flare.

#327
Exactly. We're talking about evolution all of a sudden.

#328
Then we're arguing about racism or whether or not ghouls exist.

#329
- They do, though, 'cause I've seen one. - No, they don't.

#330
- No, they do. - You-you've never seen them.

#331
- Yes, I have seen them. - No, you haven't.

#332
- Yes, I have! - Oh!

#333
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

#334
- No, wait! Hey, stop! Hey, stop! - Charlie!

#335
- You stupid twink! - I'm a bear! I'm a bear!

#336
- You wish you were a bear! - Take it easy! Hey!

#337
Get-- Stop! We're off-topic. This is not Buffett.

#338
This is not... We're not being very Buffett right now.

#339
- That was not Buffett at all. - We're not being very Buffett.

#340
- It wasn't very Buffett of me. - It's not Buffett, man.

#341
All right, all right. Oh! I got an idea.

#342
It should just be about what's going on in there, right?

#343
What if we have

#344
separate bathrooms... for separate bodily functions?

#345
Oh, like a piss room and a shit room.

#346
Yeah. Exactly, okay? And, uh, we just

#347
put very simple labels on the door.

#348
Room number one for when you got to empty your balls,

#349
and room number two for when you got to empty your butt.

#350
Pee is not in your balls, but... yeah. Okay.

#351
No. I don't think it's gonna work because

#352
nobody can shit when everybody knows you're shitting.

#353
- Why not? Everybody shits. - Yeah.

#354
Yeah, but it's a shameful act that we all do in secret.

#355
- That's true. - Even dogs know that.

#356
You ever see their eyes when they're doing it?

#357
- They know. - Mm.

#358
They look at you like this.

#359
- Yeah. - Yeah. They're ashamed.

#360
Yeah, well, guys, it's a system that invites abuse.

#361
I mean, who here would use the piss room to shit?

#362
No, that's the whole point, is that you just pee in it.

#363
- I wouldn't do that. - You use the shit room to shit.

#364
Yeah. No one's gonna do that.

#365
- Pee over there. - Really?

#366
Yeah. I'd-I'd poop in the pee room.

#367
I would poop immediately in the pee room.

#368
100% of the time I will shit in the piss room.

#369
- You're totally right. - Actually, don't like this idea.

#370
See? There you go. I rest my case.

#371
Yeah. But you know what? Maybe people would be

#372
a little less inclined to cheat, and they wouldn't feel ashamed,

#373
if they had a little bit more privacy.

#374
Like, what if the partitions

#375
went all the way down to the ground?

#376
- Hmm. - Yeah?

#377
And you created sort of a dome of privacy.

#378
- So you're closed in. - You're closed in.

#379
You know what you could do? You could add

#380
a scented candle in there for the smells.

#381
- Right. - And some noise to cover the sounds.

#382
- Mm-hmm. - Yes.

#383
Loud noise, like screaming.

#384
- Mm-hmm. - Or just music.

#385
Let's do music. Guys, we're making progress. This is great.

#386
I'll tell you what. Uh, Dee, why don't you go grab some cardboard

#387
- for the partitions. - Yep, yep.

#388
And, um, I'll order us some breakfast burritos.

#389
- It's getting to that time. - 'Cause I'm getting hungry.

#390
- Yeah! - Tasty.

#391
- Extra bacon for you? - Okay, okay. Yeah

#392
- Extra bacon, baby. - All right.

#393
The screaming's kind of cool, right?

#394
It's better. It's better. Works better than the music.

#395
- I never would've thought. - Yeah, yeah.

#396
The music, it was like, I felt like I could hear maybe

#397
a poop or a pee happening, but the screams are...

#398
Right.

#399
And I honestly, I feel like I'm not even in a bathroom

#400
- right now. - Yeah. Here you are eating a burrito.

#401
- Yeah. Yeah. - In a bathroom.

#402
- Oh! That was great. - Yeah, how'd that go? Yeah?

#403
I did something in there. I'm not gonna tell you what, though.

#404
Well, there's no need. I couldn't hear a thing,

#405
- and I can't smell a thing, so... - Yeah. Yeah.

#406
Hey, Frank, how's it going in there, man?

#407
The walls are too high. I don't know where to aim.

#408
- Aim? Aim-aim at the bowl. The toilet. - You just aim at the toilet.

#409
- The same spot. - What are you talking about?

#410
- Ah! - Whoa! Hey!

#411
Oh! Goddamn it.

#412
Never sneak up on a man like that,

#413
especially when he's at his most vulnerable.

#414
Why do you have a gun on the toilet?

#415
I always carry a gun on the toilet.

#416
Otherwise, I can't make.

#417
Well, now I'm very uncomfortable.

#418
Well, tough titties.

#419
I got the right to defend myself.

#420
It's in the Constitution.

#421
Have you ever read the Constitution?

#422
Yes.

#423
No.

#424
This is wild stuff.

#425
There's a part in here that says that freed slaves

#426
are only three-fifths of a person.

#427
- It's wild. Yeah. - Really? It says that in there?

#428
I can't imagine where you're going with this, Frank.

#429
Well, I was figuring that if we handled

#430
this problem like the Constitution, that would mean

#431
that white landowners would get a full bathroom.

#432
Everybody else gets three-fifths.

#433
How do you use three-fifths of a bathroom?

#434
Piss in the sink.

#435
I beg you to stop using the Constitution

#436
in the way that you're using it.

#437
Listen. Frank just gave me a good idea.

#438
- Hmm. - Okay.

#439
Reparations.

#440
Look, minorities have been treated

#441
like shit in this country for so long, right?

#442
So, I say we give them the good bathroom.

#443
You know? I mean, for years and years, they've been oppressed.

#444
The least we can give them is, you know,

#445
a nice place to piss and shit, right?

#446
And we got to put up a sign so that they know their place.

#447
Now, are-are you proposing that we put a sign

#448
on one of the bathrooms that says "minorities only"?

#449
What does the other sign say?

#450
- "No minorities allowed." - That's crazy.

#451
- Do you hear yourself? - That's bad.

#452
You hear where you're running into trouble there, right?

#453
- !! - No, no, it's super progressive.

#454
- No... - Yeah, i-it's a bathroom

#455
- for women, non-whites, and gays. - Uh...

#456
Oh, oh!

#457
Oh, I get it.

#458
And I-I'm 100% on board.

#459
I agree. I'm with you.

#460
Wait a second, Dee. So now you're okay

#461
with Mac using your bathroom?

#462
Yeah. As long as the majority of the people

#463
aren't taking a shit in my bathroom, sure.

#464
Okay, well, let's just go ahead and vote for it. Ch-Charlie?

#465
W-Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second there.

#466
Before you vote, uh, Charlie, uh, you know,

#467
consider this-- there's-there's no shame

#468
in doing what's best for the majority.

#469
I mean, that is what a democracy is, right?

#470
It's trying to please the greatest number

#471
of people in a country.

#472
- White people. - Please don't help.

#473
Okay? Yeah. Uh, what I'm saying is

#474
that you're never gonna be able to please everybody.

#475
It's just-- There's no way, you know what I mean?

#476
And, of course, everybody wants their own little piece

#477
of paradise, right? I like mine with--

#478
I like mine with lettuce and tomato.

#479
♪ Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes. ♪

#480
- Mm. - But that's just me, you know?

#481
There's a small minority of people out there,

#482
they like their cheeseburgers with pineapple.

#483
Oh, yeah, I know. Get the hell out of here.

#484
Ew.

#485
- Gross. - What are you thinking?

#486
You know what I mean?

#487
But there is a minority out there, and that's how

#488
they like it. But are we saying that, for those people's sake,

#489
we got to have every single hamburger store

#490
in the whole country offer pineapples

#491
on their cheeseburgers? I don't think that's right.

#492
We'll run out of pineapples.

#493
Mm-mm. We ought to take it off the pizza, too.

#494
Hawaiians are savages.

#495
Okay, you're not helping, all right?

#496
Your racism is making-- I hate when you're on my side.

#497
Mm-hmm. Okay, all good points, you know, strongly made.

#498
I like the hat. I was focused on that most of the time.

#499
But I-I'm kind of leaning towards you.

#500
I don't know why. It might be the shirt.

#501
Look, majority rules may have worked in medieval times,

#502
but we live in a civil society now.

#503
And societies are judged on how

#504
they treat their most vulnerable.

#505
See, we have to give voices to those who have no voice.

#506
- He's right-- - Shut up, Dee! I'm talking!

#507
Women are always... Goddamn it.

#508
Look, what I was saying was that we need to protect

#509
those most marginalized, okay?

#510
We need to change our attitudes.

#511
We need to change our latitudes.

#512
And we need to vote for a minorities-only bathroom.

#513
Okay, uh, also good, strong points there made forcefully.

#514
I was distracted by the shiny shirt. That's cool.

#515
I liked when you snapped at Dee.

#516
It was annoying when she chimed in.

#517
Um, so maybe I'm leaning towards you now. I don't know.

#518
Okay, well, then that means we're all voting for...

#519
Oh!

#520
Wait, wait, wait! I just looked up the demographics of Philly.

#521
It says here that this city is 54% women

#522
and 68% Christian.

#523
- Whoa. - Which means that Mac and Dee

#524
are in the majority.

#525
- Wait, wait, wait, is that true? - Uh-huh.

#526
It also says that 52% are black,

#527
which means white men,

#528
like me and Dennis,

#529
are in the minority.

#530
Uh-oh, we're minorities, which means that,

#531
by your own argument,

#532
we actually should get the good bathroom.

#533
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! I-I'm gay,

#534
so that-that still means that I'm a minority.

#535
Yeah, but are you more gay than you are Catholic?

#536
I don't know. They're at war.

#537
It's all very confusing. Where--

#538
What does it say about transgenders...?

#539
- Less than one percent. - Yeah.

#540
So what am I?

#541
You are white.

#542
Okay, and I'm a...?

#543
Man.

#544
And that would make me...?

#545
- In the minority. - Which means I go towards...?

#546
Us. Y-You know what? Frank, you explain it to him.

#547
I'm gonna-- I'm g-- I'll-I'll kill--

#548
- I'll-I'll smash him and, uh... - You get the good bathroom.

#549
- If I come with you? Okay, it was clear-- - Yes.

#550
It wasn't totally clear before,

#551
- but I get it now. - It should've been.

#552
Oh, boy. Yeah, okay, so yes.

#553
2-I got it.

#554
So all those in favor of doing the actual right thing

#555
and giving the minorities the good bathroom,

#556
- let's go ahead and raise your hand. - Yeah. Hey!

#557
- Okay, all right! Great, hey. - Okay.

#558
Finally, a win for straight white men, right?

#559
Great.

#560
- Now we're talking. Yeah. - Yeah! Finally, something for us.

#561
- We got it. Yeah. Something for the guys. - Something for us. Okay.

#562
- Yeah, let's go to Buffett! - All right, we're gonna--

#563
- Anybody want cheeseburgers? - All right.

#564
- I'm gonna get the grill ready. - Well, yeah, hey, if I'm headed

#565
to paradise, I'm gonna want a cheeseburger.

#566
Let's roll!

#567
- What-what are you guys doing? Let's go. - Let's go.

#568
We're not going.

#569
What do you mean you're not going? What?

#570
You used Buffett's words

#571
to promote discrimination, dude.

#572
It's not cool.

#573
No, but you guys have to go. I mean,

#574
you're the only two other real Parrotheads of the bunch.

#575
I mean, Frank's just going 'cause the chicks are wild.

#576
You know what I mean?

#577
And, Charlie, he doesn't know what's going on.

#578
I know.

#579
- Yes, I do. - He has no-- No. What are the songs?

#580
- What's another Buffett song? - ♪ Aruba, Jamaica... ♪

#581
- That's Beach Boys. - It is.

#582
- I don't know the songs. - Yeah. That's the Beach Boys.

#583
Well, there's no sense in going to Buffett

#584
if they're not-- we're not all gonna go.

#585
Then we're not going to Buffett.

#586
♪ If you like piña coladas... ♪

#587
Please don't, Charlie. It's too-- it-it--

#588
- It hurts too much. - I thought you-- Come on, man.

#589
I thought you said it wasn't Buffett.

#590
Yeah, but i-it's close enough.

#591
You guys ever listened to the lyrics to that song?

#592
- It's super dark. - Is it?

#593
- Mm-mm. - Yeah, it's about

#594
a guy trying to cheat on his wife.

#595
Don't tell me that, man. It's, like, such a happy song.

#596
You know? Who doesn't like piña coladas?

#597
I don't. You know, they're not my first choice.

#598
Just as a woman on the go, I got to be able

#599
to really put 'em back, and if you drink those too fast,

#600
- you'll get that-that frozen headache. - Hmm.

#601
As a straight man, I actually love piña coladas,

#602
but I don't like getting caught in the rain.

#603
It flattens my hair. Yeah.

#604
And you guys know how great I look in leather.

#605
As a gay man, I do.

#606
And that's what's so annoying about you, Mac.

#607
That's not really a gay thing. That's just a you thing.

#608
It's so annoying.

#609
What about that bullshit about making love until midnight?

#610
I mean, as a senior citizen,

#611
- I can't get it up past 6:00, 6:30, tops. - Mm...

#612
- Really? - Oh, geez. I got that

#613
- to look forward to, huh? - Really.

#614
You know, as a straight man who poops transgender...

#615
- You got to just let that go. - I'll probably stop doing that.

#616
- It's not a thing. - It's time to stop doing that.

#617
I guess, you know, guys, when it comes down to it,

#618
we all identify very differently out here.

#619
You know? But in there...

#620
in there, we're not so different.

#621
In there, we're all the same.

#622
In there, we're all just disgusting, vulnerable, ashamed.

#623
Like a bunch of filthy animals dumping in a shithouse.

#624
It's the one common thing amongst a-a king and a pauper.

#625
- Right. - You know? We all got to take a shit.

#626
Yeah, right. Why are we trying to make everyone

#627
feel comfortable in there? When the truth is

#628
no one's ever gonna feel comfortable shitting next

#629
to another human being. It's just awkward.

#630
Well, if we're never gonna get

#631
anybody to feel good about shitting together,

#632
how are we gonna solve the problem?

#633
Hold on a second. Hold on. Listen.

#634
- If we're all the same in there... - Uh-huh.

#635
then why don't we just focus on treating other people

#636
the way that we want to be treated?

#637
Dee...

#638
we were just talking,

#639
- and you just barged right in. - Yeah, shut the fuck up.

#640
- Shut the fuck up. - Like, interrupting and talking nonsense.

#641
- That was, like, so pretentious. - Yeah.

#642
- Something very pretentious about it. - We were talking.

#643
- I really feel like we're right in the... - All right. Okay.

#644
Hey, you know what, guys? I think I may have just come up

#645
with a solution for our bathroom problem.

#646
Uh-huh.

#647
- Yeah, that'll do it. - There we go.

#648
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's perfectly clear. - We did it.

#649
Guys, if we leave right now, we can still make the concert.

#650
- Let's do it. - Buffett!

#651
Ooh, let's go.

#652
♪ If you like piña coladas ♪

#653
♪ And getting caught ♪

#654
♪ In the rain ♪

#655
♪ If you're not into yoga ♪

#656
♪ If you have half a brain ♪

#657
♪ If you like making love at midnight ♪

#658
♪ In the dunes of the cape ♪

#659
♪ Then I'm the love that you've looked for ♪

#660
♪ Write to me and escape ♪

#661
♪ I didn't think about my lady ♪

#662
♪ I know that sounds... ♪

#663
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

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