Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S13E07 — The Gang Does a Clip Show

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 13, Episode 7 — The Gang Does a Clip Show

#1
My phone is moving slow as shit.

#3
- going super slow, too. Yeah. - Really?

#4
I heard if you just do the new software update,

#5
- then everything moves faster. - Oh, there's a new update?

#6
- Yeah, yeah. Just go to settings. - Uh-huh.

#7
- Uh-huh. Is that the little gear thing? - And then... Yep.

#8
And then just click update.

#9
How long's it gonna take?

#10
Uh, says 30 minutes.

#11
- What? - What?!

#12
What?

#13
What are we gonna do without our phones for 30 minutes?

#14
We don't need the phones.

#15
Maybe... Oh. What if we just kick back

#16
and remember some of the good old days?

#17
No. What?

#19
Look, we can think of something to do.

#20
- I don't know, it does sound kind of fun. - That's what you do

#21
when you start getting old.

#22
You know, you start reliving the glory days

#23
'cause you can't think of anything new to do.

#24
Do you remember the time that I sewed myself into the couch naked?

#25
Uh, yes...

#26
- Remember? - Oh. Yes

#28
Oh, what in the hell?

#30
- Oh, no. - What is happening?

#32
- Too hot. - Why are you naked, Frank?

#33
- It was too hot. Leather couch. - Okay. But did you hear?

#34
- She called you an asshole. - She called you an asshole, Frank.

#39
I-I was just sweating bullets.

#40
- You were soaking. - Slimy.

#42
- And I was not there. I was not there. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

#43
We were there, and it was like that.

#44
Yeah, we were there. Guys, guys, uh, what about this memory?

#45
Uh, hola, estúpidos.

#46
- What is that? What is that from? - What are you doing?

#48
- I... - You're just doing a bad accent?

#49
- What, what...? - That's not... No?

#52
- I was doing a character. - Oh.

#53
I was thinking we could remember all my hilarious characters

#54
- that I've created. - You've never had any.

#57
Y-You don't remember Taiwan Tammy?

#58
- Oh! Oh, my goodness. - Oh! You can't do that.

#59
- We decided that isn't funny anymore. - You can't...

#60
- No, that's right. - As a society.

#61
All right. Well, what about my Saint Patrick's Day? The...

#62
I'm Crazy Pad...

#63
Oh.

#64
Oh! Yes!

#65
- Oh, wow. That was hilarious. - Wow.

#66
- That was funny. - Ow!

#67
- Ooh, ooh, guys! I got an idea. - Ooh!

#68
Why don't we remember all the times

#69
- that Dee's gotten hurt. - No. What? What?

#70
I'm not doing that, okay? No.

#71
I-It's too late. I'm already remembering it.

#72
Holy shi...

#73
I found the kittens.

#74
Oh, come on!

#75
I wanted to, uh...

#77
You guys are exaggerating.

#78
You weren't even there for half of that.

#80
You can't, you can't beat physical comedy memories.

#81
- They're timeless. - Yeah, yeah.

#82
Oh, you know what? Let's remember

#83
all, like, the classic times.

#84
- You know, like, the best of the best. - Yeah.

#85
Ho ho ho ho.

#86
Well, hello, and Merry Christmas.

#88
Ho ho ho ho. You're a big boy, aren't you?

#89
Uh, is he (bleep)?

#90
I got this one.

#91
So, son, what would you like for Christmas?

#92
Huh?

#93
Did you fuck my mom?

#94
What?

#95
Did you fuck...

#97
What do you mean? I, uh...

#98
Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus?

#100
- No, I... - Did you fuck her?

#102
Did you fuck my mom, Santa?!

#103
He's biting my neck!

#104
Wait, you're gonna kill him!

#105
- He's biting my neck! - You're gonna kill Santa Claus!

#107
Because I cut the brakes. Wild card, bitches!

#108
Yee-haw!

#109
- What? Charlie! - What?!

#110
- Seriously? What?! - Abort! Abort! Abort!

#111
You want to maybe put this divider up?

#112
Well, no. We don't want to exclude a great man like Frank

#113
from the conversa...

#114
Oh, my God!

#115
- Call 911! - Oh, no, it's okay.

#117
- That seems really dark. - No, no, it's not dark.

#118
- You're misunderstanding me, bro. Okay? - I-I...

#119
- I think I am. - Yeah, you are.

#120
Because if the girl said no, then the answer,

#122
But the thing is is she's not gonna say no.

#124
Now, you... you've said that word "implication"

#125
a couple of times. W-What implication?

#126
The implication that things might go wrong for her

#127
if she refuses to sleep with me.

#128
Now, not that things are gonna go wrong for her,

#130
- I'm not gonna hurt these women. - Oh, okay.

#131
- Why would I ever hurt these women? - I don't know.

#132
I feel like you're not getting this at all.

#133
I'm not getting it.

#134
I am gonna punch a hole through your face.

#135
I'd like to see you try that.

#136
I don't feel we're reading as eagles.

#137
No, bro. We look like assholes.

#138
They didn't turn out the way that I had envisioned.

#139
I'm getting more of a chicken vibe.

#141
You know, you and me palling around.

#142
Getting nuts. Doing crazy...

#143
I'm not doing any kind of things

#144
that you want me to do with you, Uncle Jack.

#145
And action.

#146
I'll read the words you wrote.

#147
"Hello, fellow American.

#148
"This you should vote me.

#150
Thank you."

#151
Thank you.

#152
"Taxes, they'll be lower... son.

#153
"The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do,

#154
Philadelphia, so do."

#155
I'm gonna gun this car as fast as it goes

#156
- directly into that wall. - Mm-hmm.

#157
The last possible second, we jump out to safety,

#158
and we're dead to the world.

#159
Okeydokey. Good luck with that.

#160
Wait, where are you going, dude?

#161
Well, I'm gonna... I'm gonna watch you do it.

#162
- No, we need to do it together. - I'm not really doing anything.

#163
Well, yes, you are, Charlie. You're here for moral support on top of that.

#164
I know, but if no one's actually seeing us

#165
jump out of the car, whatever, it's not exciting.

#166
Well, it's... We're gonna kill ourselves together.

#167
- I'm gonna watch you. All right. - Get out, get out, get out!

#168
I'll do it myself. Get out!

#169
The whole thing's really better without me anyway, Mac.

#170
I'm telling you, it's gonna be great without me.

#171
- All right, buddy, good luck. - Pussy.

#172
Mac?

#173
Holy shit, dude!

#174
- Are you all right? - Yeah.

#175
- Why didn't you jump out? - I'm okay.

#176
♪ Freedom ♪

#177
♪ Hold on to my freedom ♪

#178
♪ My freedom ♪

#179
♪ You've got to give for what you take ♪

#180
♪ Freedom ♪

#181
♪ Freedom... ♪

#182
Hey, dude, I can't... I-I can't...

#183
I can't do any of this shit anymore.

#184
- Okay? I'm... I'm leaving. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#185
No, hold on a second. You can't just leave.

#186
- Dennis. - Yeah, dude. What-what about us?

#187
I mean, what about... what about the bar?

#188
Good-bye, Paddy's Pub.

#189
Good-bye, Philadelphia. Good-bye, Charlie.

#190
Mac, Dee, Frank.

#191
The bar is done.

#192
Good-bye, Philadelphia.

#193
Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second. What...?

#194
- What the hell was that? - Yeah.

#195
What was that? I am not an ostrich.

#196
Yeah. No, no, no, that's not what I'm talking about.

#197
I'm talking about the last memory

#198
where Mac turned the lights off to the bar.

#199
Yeah, what about it?

#200
Well, that never happened. I-I turned the lights off.

#201
No, that's not how I remember it.

#202
No, Mac, that's not what happened.

#203
- Yeah, thank you, Dee. - Pretty sure I turned the lights off.

#204
Oh, right. Yes, it was you, and then I flipped them back on.

#205
Yeah. Yeah, and I was like, "No! Get him out here.

#206
- Let him go." - Yeah, actually, we did a great bit.

#207
We're like... ♪ Ah, ah-ah-ah, ah, ah, ah. ♪

#208
No, no. Wait, wait. No, guys. No, remember?

#209
I quit the bar,

#210
I moved to North Dakota, and I shut the lights off.

#211
Wait. You went to North Dakota?

#212
I don't remember Dennis leaving.

#213
Wait. No. Goddamn it. Come on, guys.

#214
The... Look, this is how it went down, okay?

#215
Good-bye, Paddy's Pub.

#216
Good-bye, Philadelphia. Good-bye, Charlie.

#217
Mac, Dee, Frank.

#218
The bar is done.

#219
- So, go! - ♪ Da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! ♪

#220
- Stop sucking and go. - ♪ Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da ♪

#221
Stop sucking and go.

#222
Stop sucking and go.

#223
- So was, uh... sneaking that... - No.

#224
- Yeah. I told you. Yeah, wasn't that good? - Yeah, right.

#225
Okay, now, see,

#226
now you're infecting my memory with your memory,

#227
and I can't even remember my own life correctly.

#228
- Yeah. - I think you are remembering it right.

#229
- Yeah. - It was a pretty good pick

#230
- now that I remember it. - Guys, no, can we not do this?

#231
Can we not start messing with each other's memories?

#232
Okay? Distorting facts, like, basically changes history.

#233
You know what? It's like fake news, you know?

#234
And then, all of a sudden, nobody knows what the truth is,

#235
and facts don't matter. Guys, it's a slippery slope.

#236
Okay, okay, you know what?

#237
Fine. Let's try to remember something

#238
we all know for sure happened like, um...

#239
like The Nightman Cometh.

#240
- What the hell was that? - Huh?

#241
- What was that? - Oh, I'm just remembering

#242
when I-I told Mac I was gonna cut the song.

#243
Right, but why was that memory in a different language?

#244
Oh, shit. You know what's happening?

#245
All right, now I'm getting confused,

#246
'cause I was remembering the time that I spoke Chinese, so...

#247
- You never spoke Chinese. - Yeah.

#248
Yeah, I did. They gave me a magic pill, and I learned it, and I speak it fluently.

#249
- No. - Mm, no, they didn't.

#250
- Mm-mm. - Uh, no, buddy.

#251
Oh, by the way, we're getting way off track here.

#252
- What-what is happening? - Yeah.

#253
Oh, why don't we remember all the times

#254
that somebody didn't know what was happening.

#255
A business opportunity as rare

#256
as the albani berries themselves.

#257
What's happening?

#258
What is happening?

#259
"His name was Dennis."

#260
- I'm-I'm sorry. What is happ...? - Silence.

#261
- What is happening? - We don't know.

#262
Come on now!

#263
- What is happening? - What is happening?!

#264
Reliving old memories is so fun.

#265
I'm having a blast.

#266
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, guys, I got one

#267
I think we can all remember-- the contest.

#268
- Oh, the contest. - The contest.

#269
- Ooh. - Yeah.

#270
Okay. Yeah, yeah.

#271
- Hey. - Hey.

#272
- Hey. - Hey.

#273
Well, where's my money? Who caved?

#274
- Not me. - Not me.

#275
- No. - Hmm. What are you guys looking at?

#276
Oh, there's a naked woman across the street.

#277
This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made.

#278
So my friend Joyce is teaching an exercise class.

#279
I think I'm gonna go tonight.

#280
Uh, the waitress should have taken it back.

#281
So then, um, I got a call this morning.

#282
You know, I was, uh...

#283
I was chosen to go on the space shuttle.

#284
We're going to Mars.

#285
- Uh-huh. - Have a good time.

#286
I'm out!

#287
That was, like,

#288
one of the best memories of all time.

#289
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

#290
- Well, yeah, it's a classic really, and... - Yeah.

#291
- It was so Jewish. Really. - Yeah, uh...

#292
Yeah, it is. It is. The only thing is, though,

#293
is that that wasn't us.

#294
What are you talking about? Of course it was us. We just...

#295
- They just... - Yeah, the whole...

#296
- We're in the apartment. - Yeah, I'm forgetting.

#297
When did we live in New York City?

#298
- God, when was that? - Oh. Oh, uh...

#299
- It was like mid-'90s, right? - '90s, yeah.

#300
- Early '90s. - Early '90s?

#301
Is that right? Yeah, when we were in high school?

#302
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. - Were we?

#303
And-and-and who were those people laughing?

#304
- Fans. - Oh, the fans.

#305
- The fans. - Yeah.

#306
- Right. - The fans?

#307
- Fans. - The fans. Guys...

#308
You guys are remembering an episode of Seinfeld.

#309
- Oh, my God. - Oh!

#310
- That's it. - That's what it is.

#311
- Whoa. - That's what it is.

#312
- Yeah. - Memories are tricky.

#313
- Yeah. - Wait, wait, wait, but when we saw

#314
- that episode, we had our own contest. - Yeah. No.

#315
- That's what it is. - That's right.

#316
- We did that contest. - That's what you were trying to remember.

#317
- Uh-huh. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#318
We had our own contest, except ours was

#319
to see who could masturbate the most

#320
in a 24-hour period.

#321
Yeah, that, uh... that-that landed us in the hospital.

#322
Your penises have suffered severe abrasions.

#323
The skin has been all but removed from the organs.

#324
I've... I've never seen anything like it.

#325
And my vagina?

#326
I'm afraid it's been, uh...

#327
- obliterated. - Yeah.

#328
No. no, no, no. You guys are doing it again.

#329
You're misremembering. Okay, that's... that is not how that

#330
went down, okay? And that doctor-- he...

#331
That's not even a real doctor.

#332
That guy was like a figment of my imagination

#333
from when we got stuck in the convenience store.

#334
Well, then you must have described it to me perfectly,

#335
- because I remember the dude. - Yeah, well, look,

#336
you can't do this, okay?

#337
Every time you misremember something,

#338
like, run the risk of altering reality.

#339
- Altering reality? - Yeah, uh, yes. I'm just say...

#340
I'm saying, like, how you remember something

#341
sort of, like, becomes reality.

#342
You're saying I can change reality.

#343
Yeah, well, no, I'm not saying...

#344
No, it doesn't change reality. Reality is reality.

#345
I'm just saying it becomes your reality.

#346
Charlie?

#347
I wanted to talk to you about the other night.

#348
Oh.

#349
Cool. Wh-Which night, though?

#350
'Cause there's been a lot of nights.

#351
The night we had sex.

#352
- Oh, that night. - Yeah.

#353
That was... that was a great night.

#354
It was.

#355
And I'm pregnant.

#356
Wow, like...

#357
is it mine?

#358
Yep.

#359
- Huh. - Okay, I have...

#360
I have so many problems with that.

#361
Come on, man, I'm just trying to, like, remember, like,

#362
something about the waitress so I can alter my reality.

#363
You get it. Like, having a baby, being back together.

#364
Then again, that-that's not remembering,

#365
that's just making stuff up. Also, I have a problem

#366
with how you were attempting to remember, you know,

#367
the way you were just watching yourself watch yourself

#368
through the door, like the...

#369
like the Ghost of Christmas Past or something.

#370
- Well, that's just how everyone remembers. - Mm-mm.

#371
- No, no, it's not. - Nobody does.

#372
But it doesn't matter anyway, because it's not like

#373
he can change reality, right?

#374
Charlie? Give me a hand with this kid, would you?

#375
His diaper smells like a homeless man

#376
took a dump in it.

#377
Oh, shit, that's a baby.

#378
Wait, wait, wait. What the hell is this?

#379
Holy shit, it worked!

#380
I did it! I did it!

#381
- Charlie! Come on! - I'm coming.

#382
Geez, I'm carrying, like, a million things.

#383
- Whoa! Oh! What the hell? - Two Charlies?

#384
Well, it's not like the baby's gonna drop dead just 'cause I'm

#385
two seconds behind you coming into the bar.

#386
Wait a second. Maybe by watching yourself

#387
watch yourself, you created two Charlies?

#388
That's not good.

#389
Hey! Hey, you, man!

#390
Look, that-that's my girl. That's my kid.

#391
You got to get out of here, dude.

#392
Oh, my God, there's two of you?

#393
Okay, well, one of you has to change this baby's diaper,

#394
'cause I need to go get drunk.

#395
Are you gonna... Oh, dude. Thanks a lot, man.

#396
Wait, wait, wait. Why is your voice so high?

#397
My voice is high? I'm the one with the normal voice.

#398
You're the one with the high voice, dude.

#399
I have a high voice?

#400
You're telling me I have a high voice?

#401
Yeah, your voice is crazy sounding!

#402
Are you kidding me?

#403
- Oh, it's hearing itself. - Do you even hear yourself, bro?

#404
This is bizarre.

#405
Look, it doesn't matter, man. You got to get lost, all right?

#406
- There can only be one of us. - Oh, please,

#407
please let me get lost.

#408
You know what? Take the kid, take the girl.

#409
I'll go back to living with Frank, 'cause I miss him.

#410
Aw. Charlie, that is so nice.

#411
I miss you, too.

#412
Wait, wait, wait, this isn't right, this isn't right.

#413
We must not be back in reality.

#414
We must still be in somebody's memory.

#415
- Oh, yeah? Like whose? - Like whose?

#416
- Don't copy me. - I don't know.

#417
Wait.

#418
Frank, why do you have hair?

#419
- I've always had hair. - Bullshit, Frank. You have n...

#420
You know what, we're in his head right now. That's why Charlie 2

#421
was talking about wanting to go back to living with him.

#422
It's insane; Charlie already went back to living with me.

#423
- We're not in my head. - Oh, yeah?

#424
- Nah. Uh-uh. - Then why are your legs so long?

#425
My legs have always been long. It's a burden being tall.

#426
Ah, bullshit, Frank. We're in your head.

#427
Get us out of there. Come on, man.

#428
- Ah... - Ah, yeah.

#429
Oh, you couldn't let me have that memory?

#430
No, Frank, because it wasn't a memory, it was a fantasy.

#431
I liked the two me's. That was a really cool angle, though.

#432
- That was good. - Yeah, okay, fine, but th...

#433
Can we not go there, please?

#434
All right? For Christ's sakes, we can't even just sit around

#435
having memories without things getting out of hand.

#436
Well, at least we're not being lazy, right? We're coming up

#437
- with new stuff. - Yeah, all right, all right, okay,

#438
let's stop, okay? We-we had our fun,

#439
now we're back to reality, a-and let's just,

#440
I'd like to keep it that way, so...

#441
Yeah, software update's almost done anyway.

#442
- Oh, nice. - Okay, good, well... Wait.

#443
- Dee. - What?

#444
Where's your cut?

#445
What cut?

#446
The giant, gaping cut that was-was just on your forehead.

#447
- Where is it? - Oh. I don't... I don't know.

#448
Is she changing reality?

#449
I don't know. I don't know what it means, okay?

#450
But I do know that we're not back

#451
in the real reality, and that's not good.

#452
Wait a second. Are we not? Like, are you sure

#453
she actually fell, that that actually happened?

#454
I don't know. I don't know. I mean,

#455
this is so disorienting. I don't know.

#456
- Dee, snap us back. - I can't. I'm trying.

#457
All right, all right, wha-what if it's not that much different?

#458
You know? Like, what if this reality,

#459
the only difference is that Dee doesn't have a cut on her head?

#460
- Is that that big of a deal? - Yes, it's a big deal.

#461
You're talking about never knowing

#462
which reality you're living in.

#463
Okay, you know what? We need to, we need to orient ourselves.

#464
Um... Frank.

#465
- Yeah? - Are you tall and handsome

#466
with a full head of hair?

#467
I like to think so, but no.

#468
No. Good. Okay, so, Charlie,

#469
is the waitress in love with you?

#470
Aw, I had her for a minute, but no.

#471
Great. Uh, Dee, are you a successful actress?

#472
Oh, I could have been.

#473
Dee, be serious! Yes or no?

#474
- No. - Yeah.

#475
Mac, um, are you my roommate?

#476
- No, of course not. - Oh!

#477
- Okay, well, so there it is. - There we go.

#478
- All right, Mac, it's clearly you... - Oh.

#479
...so snap us out of it, man.

#480
No. W-We're not in my head. I swear.

#481
Yes, we are, man. We're in your head.

#482
You're trying to alter reality.

#483
Dude, if we were in my head,

#484
why would I not want you to be my roommate?

#485
- But... - Ah...

#486
- Oh, I get it. - Wait a minute.

#487
- Dennis, we're in your head, aren't we? - Yeah.

#488
- Yeah. - No. Why would we be in my head?

#489
Dennis, everyone knows that the most annoying person

#490
- in the world is Mac. - Huh?

#491
So why would you ever want to live with him?

#492
No, that's not-- I-- No, he's great as a roommate.

#493
- Is he great? - Yeah, he's great.

#494
Name one way.

#495
Yeah, easy. He, um...

#496
- Oh, your head, yeah! So yeah. - Okay, fine, damn it,

#497
I was trying to, yeah, get rid of him.

#498
So you don't like living with me, Dennis?

#499
Oh, no, I... no, I love having a roommate

#500
who spends three hours a day on a dildo bike.

#501
Guys, see, this is, this is why I didn't want to do this.

#502
You know? No good can come of it.

#503
- It doesn't feel good. - It has been kind of messy,

#504
like, you know, it's been confusing, for sure.

#505
So let's just... we just... so now we just got to make sure

#506
- we're-we're back in reality. - Yeah, but how do you ever know

#507
- if you're in reality? - You know what?

#508
I think I got a top here under the bar. Yeah, I do. I do.

#509
- A top under the bar? - Top? What do you do with a top?

#510
- So? - Well, a top.

#511
Didn't you guys see the movie Inception?

#512
- You know, they spin the top, - No.

#513
and see, the thing is, if we aren't in reality,

#514
- then the top will just spin forever. - Yeah.

#515
But if it wobbles and falls,

#516
then you know you're back in reality.

#517
- Should we give it a spin? - Yeah, let's do it.

#518
- Sure. - Let's see.

#519
Seems like that's gonna go for a while, though.

#520
- It does, it seems like it's gonna... - There you go.

#521
- Gave it a hell of a spin there. - Yeah!

#522
Yeah! Well, it's a good, it's a quality top.

#523
Oh.

#524
- Oh, our phones are updated. - Oh, for real?

#525
- Oh! - There we go!

#526
- Oh, sweet! - Ah...

#527
- Finally. - Um...

#528
Thank God we're back to normal.

#529
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

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