Home » Scrubs » S01E06 — My Bad

Scrubs

Season 1, Episode 6 — My Bad

#1
- [J.D.] Say "ah." - [man] Ah.

#2
- OK, say "oh." - Oh.

#3
Everybody say "Ah, oh, ah!"

#4
Oh... Excuse me.

#5
As legal counsel, it's my job to inform you

#6
that your suspension is effective immediately.

#7
Oh, God, just the messenger.

#8
Your long-term job status will be decided at the board meeting.

#9
Until then, and I cannot bend on this,

#10
I don't want you setting foot on the premises.

#11
- I'm going to be here all day. - Works for me. That'd be good.

#12
I hope that works out.

#13
Dr. Cox, if you need to talk...

#14
[sound of race car]

#19
So, what do you think, Dr. Dorian? Bypass or stent?

#20
Bypass!

#21
Or stent.

#24
♪ I'm no Superman ♪

#31
Nah-nah. You have to touch someone's hiney.

#32
Dorian, come with me. And Dr...

#33
- Reid... - Sure. Why not?

#34
- Take over for him. - Nur-nur.

#35
I'm assigning you to an important board member

#36
whose family built this hospital with their bare hands.

#38
Look for hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.

#39
- What happened? - Pre-syncope.

#40
So, this board member almost fainted?

#41
- I'll fire up the paddles. - Ah, Dr. Weisenheimer's back.

#42
- How was your ski trip? - Sir, I'm confused.

#43
- You annoy me. - Oh, now I get it.

#44
But you have this nauseating charm

#45
everyone else here seems to respond to.

#46
Use it. Okay, sport?

#48
...smokin'-hot bitty.

#49
Who do you love the most?

#50
[mouths]

#51
Sweetheart, are you getting younger?

#52
- Ugh! - This is Dr. Dorian.

#53
He'll be looking after you.

#54
And who will be looking after him?

#55
[lion's growl]

#56
Since your jaw is wired shut, we'll give you IV nutrition, okay?

#57
Sorry. You can't answer. It's like the dentist.

#58
They ask you questions and you have that stuff in your mouth.

#59
Oh, my God, I did it again... Dr. Greenberg.

#60
Doctor? What kind of doctor are you?

#61
I keep doing it. Okay, okay. Just... just act it out.

#62
Head?

#63
Shrinking. Shrink, a shrink!

#64
Wow. I can't imagine picking psychiatry as a specialty

#65
after interning as a real doctor.

#66
That didn't come out right. My dad. He's a doctor too.

#67
He says therapy is for people with more money than problems.

#68
But then... my dad says a lot of things.

#69
- Did anyone page a nurse? - No.

#70
It looks like his eyes are screaming.

#71
Please, we're talking.

#72
Where was I?

#73
- You should get dressed. - I can't. It's still out there.

#74
Don't call my mother it.

#75
It implies you think that she's a monster.

#76
Now, get a move on, it usually gets up to feed about now.

#77
Baby, I don't understand why we couldn't stay at my place?

#78
I could've done the whole show for you.

#79
- There's a show? - Yeah, there's a show.

#80
It involves music, some dancing, occasionally singing.

#81
Can you do Me And Mrs. Jones?

#82
I don't know, what's she look like?

#83
Look, you wanted to spend the whole night together

#84
and I can't leave my mother alone.

#85
She's frail.

#86
[frantic yelling in Spanish]

#87
- Tell her to put the cane down! - [speaks rapid Spanish]

#88
- Tell her to put the cane down! - It's because I'm unmarried.

#89
She doesn't have to know we had sex all night.

#90
- She speaks English. - Then why are you translating?

#91
- You don't speak Spanish! - Oh. Hola!

#92
- No! No! - Mami! Qué te ha sucedido?

#93
Por qué?

#94
Tell her to put the cane down.

#95
I have to be honest, Ms. Sullivan, when Dr. Kelso said

#96
board member, I was thinking this like old, grumpy...

#97
That would be my father. He died.

#98
- I'm so sorry. - 20 years ago.

#99
Oh. I would have said sorry then but I had trouble with my Ss.

#100
[laughs weakly] I was five.

#101
Ss. So... how are you feeling?

#102
Great, that's why I'm here. Listen, R.J.

#103
- J.D. - Like it matters. Look.

#104
You seem like a nice, spineless, little boy, so let's be honest.

#105
I'm here because it was the only way to end

#106
my beast of a mother's nagging pseudo-concern.

#107
- That's sweet. - So, do your little tests.

#108
But first, close the blinds

#109
and wash off your eighth-grade-dance cologne

#110
so we don't add nausea to my symptoms.

#111
I'll need lemon wedges for my sparkling water,

#112
which, for some reason, you have yet to get.

#113
- Let me just check out... - Doing things I want first.

#114
- Your little tests later. - Nice to meet you.

#115
I hate you.

#116
Merry Christmas, Dr. Greenberg! I mean, happy Halloween!

#117
Uh, I am so frazzled. I did not sleep at all.

#118
In fact, I haven't really slept since I started here.

#119
It's just so much pressure.

#120
I can't talk to anyone here. It's so competitive.

#121
I used to be able to talk to my mom, but now, I don't know,

#122
she listens, but she just never seems to hear me, you know?

#123
Lonely, depressed, overwhelmed.

#124
And sometimes I have no idea how I'll make it through this.

#125
Oh, no. I don't even like to take aspirin.

#126
- I'd rather just... - Me!

#127
Oh, you!

#128
Ah, Dr. Cox.

#129
I've been thinking about your predicament

#130
and I think I have a solution: cruise ships.

#131
Right.

#132
Everyone'll call you Doc.

#133
You'll visit exotic ports.

#134
Heck, maybe you'll even get to meet Charo.

#135
You should go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bobby.

#136
If your evil genie actually does grant your wish,

#137
and I disappear, the only person you'll have left

#138
to contend with around here will be yourself.

#139
And when you really get to know that person,

#140
oh, dear God, you'll scream so loud,

#141
Satan will want to rip up the contract you signed

#142
just so he can get some sleep.

#143
Look at you with your stiff upper lip.

#144
I think I'm gonna miss that the most.

#147
What are you looking at?

#148
Oh, no, I just... I like your shirt.

#149
- What kind of shirt is that? - It's a white T-shirt.

#150
I knew it.

#151
I will never sleep at your place again.

#152
It wasn't that bad.

#153
I am in such a good mood.

#154
Does she invite the priest for breakfast every day?

#155
Only when she finds me in bed with some guy. So most days.

#156
That's not funny. Okay? That's not funny.

#157
I'm just in a much better place, you know?

#158
- Do I look different? - What kind of a shirt is that?

#159
- I am such an idiot. - I'm in a better place.

#160
So what do you say, my apartment, tonight?

#161
I'll think about it.

#162
Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me?

#163
In a better place, look different, feel good, okay?

#164
That's what usually happens when you see a shrink.

#165
My patient is a therapist. I'm not seeing a shrink.

#166
Stop spreading around embarrassing rumors.

#167
Whoa, I'm just goofing around.

#168
Besides, the last thing I want to do is upset a crazy lady.

#169
- T-shirt. - Is anybody up there?

#170
Up there... up there... up there...

#171
I'm all alone down here... here... here...

#172
It's cold.

#173
I'm frightened.

#174
Just keep moving. Refocus.

#175
Think about helping Dr. Cox.

#176
Ms. Sullivan? Sorry. I didn't realize you're in the bathroom.

#177
- It's OK, come on in. - [flushing]

#178
Come in the room, not in here. What's the matter with you?

#179
Are you even a real doctor?

#180
Look, I know that you're on the board, and I have this friend.

#181
Well, he's a mentor...

#182
- Losing interest! - Sorry.

#183
He's... Wait, wait. Why are you dressed?

#184
I'm going to a party. I assume my tests are normal,

#185
or else you wouldn't be chatting me up.

#186
Gosh, Huckleberry, I sure hope

#187
we can go down to the river sometime and race frogs.

#188
That's it.

#189
Listen, you spoiled, bossy chore of a woman.

#190
- Sorry? What'd you say? - You're in now, go for it.

#191
I'm the doctor here. So put your gown back on,

#192
get back in bed and shut the hell up!

#193
- No one talks to me that way. - Well, get used to it, missy.

#194
Um, I didn't mean to be such a hard ass, just now.

#195
You can totally wait until I'm gone to put your gown back on.

#196
- Take off your pants. - Yes, ma'am.

#197
I know it's tough leaving your mother at home.

#198
- I'm really glad you're here. - You are?

#199
Yes, I am.

#200
And I promise I'm going to make it worth your while.

#201
Oh, baby, we've already slept together.

#202
You should be careful about the build-up.

#203
- Oh, is that necessary? - Yeah.

#204
Okay, look, I got something for you.

#205
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

#206
- You want to hear it? - OK.

#207
♪ Me ♪

#208
♪ And ♪

#210
Did you learn that for me?

#211
- Mm-hm. - More.

#212
♪ We got a thing ♪

#213
- ♪ Going on... ♪ - [Carla squeals]

#215
Control.

#216
Oh, God!

#217
Dependence.

#218
He was released a couple of hours ago.

#219
And timing.

#220
Your mother broke her leg.

#222
Oh, Dr. Cox have you met...?

#223
You don't have to introduce me to my ex-wife.

#224
Surprise!

#225
You putz.

#226
- Oh, no. - Hello, Jordan.

#227
- Oh, no, no. - Perry.

#228
- Perry? - You never heard that.

#230
Don't look her in the eyes. She'll steal your soul.

#231
So how are things going down in the underworld?

#232
Good. And you?

#233
Still have a rollicking social life?

#234
Since I cut you loose it's been one big party.

#235
In the next five seconds, name some place,

#236
other than the hospital,

#237
you've been in the last month, five, four, three, two...

#238
My car!

#239
On the way to the... big party.

#240
- [wrong-answer buzzer] - Oh, that must have hurt.

#243
Dr. Cox, I know you're suspended

#244
but you're the only one my mother trusts.

#245
Not now!

#246
This is all your fault.

#247
- Hey, Turk, can I talk...? - No. You can't.

#248
That's why they're called your problems.

#249
Sorry.

#250
Happy Halloween.

#251
That'll teach you not to spy on people during their alone time.

#252
When dealing with a crisis,

#254
God, the source is pretty.

#255
Ms. Sullivan?

#256
Excuse me, Ms. Sullivan!

#257
Honey, I think we're way past Ms. Sullivan.

#258
Okay, Jordan...

#259
I just don't think we should see each other again.

#260
The story of my life.

#261
Any time I let my guard down just a little, I get hurt.

#262
I am so sorry.

#263
You know how long it's been since I connected with someone?

#264
It's not fair that just because of him,

#265
I don't get to spend time with...

#266
Boy, it's hard to keep that going.

#267
See you, D.J., I got a date. [laughs] See each other again!

#268
She's gonna be okay.

#269
I don't know, Mom, I'm just feeling lost, you know?

#270
Everyone here is so busy, and I guess I'm just kind of lonely.

#271
Mom, could you just try to hear what I'm saying?

#272
Just this once?

#273
No, I don't have short hair.

#274
Yes, I know short hair gives me pig-face.

#275
Yeah.

#276
- Dr. Cox! - Okay, Linus.

#277
You're way too excited. Get your blankie,

#278
go in a corner, and take a time-out.

#279
Non-displaced femoral fracture, Carla's mom's gonna be fine.

#280
- Okay, what? - Your ex-wife.

#281
- She's the answer. - Things That Ruined My Life?

#282
Things That Took Half My Money? Things With Sharp Edges?

#283
Come on, she's on the board.

#284
Deep down I'm sure she's a reasonable person,

#285
not that I know her or have ever been alone with her.

#286
- But I'm sure if you just... - No.

#287
- Ask. - I'm going to go and do this

#288
just as slowly as possible so you don't misunderstand.

#289
[very slowly] No...

#291
Fine, I'll ask her.

#292
That's a no.

#293
- It's always funny. - Can't believe she's sleeping.

#294
I had the intern give her two valium.

#295
- Why, was she in a lot of pain? - No, she just wouldn't shut up.

#296
I'm sorry.

#297
I notice your little boyfriend's name's not on the cast.

#298
Are you kidding? Making me leave her alone like that.

#299
She would have gotten hurt, whether you were there or not.

#300
- Nuh-uh. - She fell in the shower.

#301
So unless you have an extremely disturbing relationship,

#302
I'm afraid you're full of crap.

#303
I'm full of crap?

#304
If you don't care about being suspended, why are you here?

#305
You may scare everybody with those crazy eyes but not me.

#306
You use your mom as an excuse to not take chances.

#307
You're never happy unless you're here.

#308
You're afraid to live your own life.

#309
Admit that losing this place would kill you.

#310
- We done? - That's all I got.

#311
Crazy eyes?

#312
Low blow.

#316
[Cox's voice] This guy's gonna need 30 mEqs of KCL.

#318
Your man Cox is the best.

#319
I know he's got an unorthodox way of doing things,

#320
but all the innovators do.

#321
Now, everybody deserves a second chance.

#322
Am I right?

#323
Who are you?

#325
[elevator bell]

#326
Jordan. I know you're on your way to the board meeting

#327
and I know you don't really like me, but...

#328
I don't dislike you. I nothing you.

#329
Oh, thanks, that's... that's special.

#330
I have to ask you a favor.

#331
But you have to know this is not why we slept together.

#332
Yeah, you had nothing to do with why we slept together.

#333
I think we both know that's not completely true.

#334
Oh, please!

#335
Even though you're terrified Dr. Cox will find out,

#336
if I wanted you to go to his apartment

#337
and have sex with me in front of him, you would.

#338
Please don't do that.

#339
You remind me of him when he was younger.

#340
Then look into your heart and see if you can dig up sympathy

#341
for someone who means a whole lot to me,

#342
and probably means a little to you, too.

#343
- So will you help him? - Ah, sweetie...

#344
No.

#345
- I went to therapy once. - You did?

#346
Yeah. Once though, like back in '93 to '94.

#347
Then a few months in '95.

#348
And then I went to group, which was a disaster.

#349
When I went to college it was my first time away from home.

#350
Things started piling up and I felt I was sinking, you know?

#351
- Yeah, I do. - And no matter how embarrassing

#352
you think it might be,

#353
it's always helpful to talk to someone neutral.

#354
For example, take a look at me. I am now, thanks to therapy,

#355
in a healthy relationship with a beautiful woman,

#356
who won't sleep over because she thinks I broke her mother's leg.

#357
Hey!

#358
Baby!

#359
[laughs]

#360
How long were you back there? For a second, huh?

#361
- I wasn't talking about us... - Turk.

#362
Mom's spending the night here,

#363
so I will be spending the night with you,

#364
only we have to leave right now.

#365
Go.

#366
♪ Me and Mrs. ♪

#367
♪ Mrs. Jones ♪

#374
Yes.

#375
I am bulletproof.

#376
He's taking it well.

#377
So, no hard feelings. Right, amigo?

#378
- Careful. - Catch you on the flip side.

#379
I really think you're making a big mistake.

#380
The most destructive thing about Dr...

#381
Yawn!

#382
I say yawn because when I actually yawn, you don't get it.

#383
See you in hell.

#387
I did it 'cause the thought of you rotting here

#388
in this fluorescent tomb is more fun

#389
than tipping a valet with your alimony check.

#390
Oh, listen here, pumpkin, if you're honestly having

#391
this much trouble getting over me,

#392
just go ahead and give me a call,

#393
and I'll toss you a sympathy throw-down any time.

#396
New problems to be dealt with.

#397
[Spanish-language TV]

#398
I'm watching that.

#399
New issues.

#400
Thanks, Dr. Greenberg.

#401
See you next week.

#402
- She was never boring. - What happened?

#403
You marry somebody just like your mother

#404
then you remember you hate your mother.

#405
You asked her for help, didn't you?

#406
You don't realize how important you are to people around here.

#409
Jeez, Agnes.

#410
Does the field-hockey team know that you're missing?

#411
It felt good.

#412
Although it did take some stones, to be honest.

#413
Stick with the truth and you can't get hurt.

#414
Always been my philosophy.

#415
[whistles] You didn't sleep with her, did you?

#416
God, no.

#417
Philosophy is tricky.

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