Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S12E01 — The Gang Turns Black

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 12, Episode 1 — The Gang Turns Black

#3
I can't think of a better way to have a movie night

#4
than in the middle of an electrical storm.

#5
- It's kind of cozy. - Cool.

#6
Why do we have to watch The Wiz? This movie sucks.

#7
It's Old Black Man's night to pick the movie.

#8
- But he's asleep. - Yeah, but...

#9
Why do a remake of The Wizard of Oz? The original was a classic.

#11
It's very difficult being a black person in America, you know?

#12
So what? Doesn't mean I want to watch Orlando Bloom in Boyz n the Hood.

#14
- If you flip it, it's weird, man. - I would see that.

#15
Look, this may be a little bit touchy for me to say,

#16
but black people have a lot more opportunities these days.

#18
That doesn't mean there's not problems.

#19
What about the whole Black Lives Matter thing?

#20
Sure, no, good point.

#21
But I don't know why it took 'em so long to realize that their lives matter.

#22
They've always mattered.

#25
it's kind of tough out there right now for everybody.

#26
Really, our lives aren't all that different.

#27
Oh...

#29
I think it came through the electric blankets.

#30
- Yeah, we got electrocuted. - Holy shit.

#31
Look at this, the VCR's toast.

#32
Uh, wait a sec...

#34
- Oh, my God. - He's gone.

#35
- What the hell? - What?

#36
Uh...

#37
Guys?

#38
You're gonna wanna see this.

#39
What?

#40
Well, that's interesting.

#41
What the hell is happening?

#42
Why are we black people?

#43
But only in our reflections.

#44
This is insane.

#45
Are we in a dream? Do we gotta pinch ourselves or something?

#46
Why is it daylight outside?

#47
- How is this happening? - Forget how. We're past that.

#48
It is happening. It just is.

#49
Give me one good reason

#50
Whoa

#51
What are you doing?

#52
Give me one good reason

#53
Why we're this way

#54
Why are you doing this?

#55
I don't have a reason

#56
Whoa

#57
I don't have a reason for a thing

#58
That's happened today

#59
I wonder why we're singing

#60
Every word that we say

#61
I wonder if we're living out The Wiz in some way

#62
No, it's not, because nobody switches bodies in The Wiz.

#63
Gotta be something else.

#64
I think we're experiencing something a little more like...

#65
The Hot Chick, The Change-Up

#67
Vice Versa All of Me

#68
Like Father, Like Son

#69
Dating the Enemy

#70
A Boy Thing, A Girl Thing

#71
13 on 30

#72
Detention Face/Off

#73
Right. Actually, Face/Off wouldn't work,

#74
- that's a face-switching movie. - No.

#76
- Hmm? - What the hell's a Quantum Leap?

#78
where Scott Bakula would leap into other people's bodies,

#80
These are not good reasons

#82
Now I'm just confused and I don't know

#84
- Wow. - Shit.

#85
- I don't know what that was. - Super weird.

#86
I think I know what's happening. I think we're in the respite of a musical,

#88
that doesn't fit into rhyme form.

#89
- Clearly, that's what's happening. - Yeah.

#90
So, let's talk fast before another song starts.

#91
- Good idea. - The problem is we don't know the rules.

#92
And we won't figure this out until we figure out what the rules are.

#94
Christ, I'm singing again.

#95
What are the rules?

#96
When you've just turned black

#97
And you can't switch back

#98
Well, you got to go And find out the rules

#99
Oh.

#100
- Oh, my. - Wow.

#101
Holy shit, what have I done? Um, okay, look.

#102
This is gonna keep happening, I think. So, let's figure this out, soon.

#103
Let's split up. You two, go and try and find Old Black Man.

#104
- I'm sorry. Old Man. Just Old Man. - Yeah. Yeah.

#105
And help him out. Do the Quantum Leap thing.

#108
try to figure out whose bodies we switched with.

#110
What are the rules?

#111
What are the rules?

#112
What are the rules?

#113
What are the rules?

#114
When you just turned black

#115
And you can't switch back

#116
Well, you got to go and find out the rules

#117
I think we're in The Wiz

#118
Don't force the Wiz thing.

#119
Wait, where are my keys?

#120
- Where are my keys? - You don't have 'em?

#121
I can't... Wait, what is this?

#122
- It's a wallet. - I know that, asshole.

#123
I'm saying it's not my wallet.

#124
Oh.

#125
I appear to be a guy named Reggie Williams.

#126
- Oh, shit. - Oh.

#127
This is an interesting new rule.

#128
It seems that even though we have our own clothes,

#129
we have access to the pockets of our reflections.

#130
- What movie is that from? - I don't know.

#131
My pockets are empty.

#132
Maybe the lesson we're supposed to learn is that black people are broke.

#133
You're broke.

#134
- Good point. - Shit, hang on a second.

#135
- This kid's got 25 bucks. - Black people are rich. That's the lesson.

#136
I think we're not supposed to make wild assumptions about black people

#137
based upon whether or not we have stuff in our pockets.

#138
Yeah, don't make that assumption.

#139
But you know what the first thing I need to do is?

#140
- Find Reggie Williams. - No, that's the second thing.

#141
I gotta cancel my credit card, 'cause this Reggie guy might have it.

#142
Right, that's the lesson. Black people will ruin your credit.

#143
Guys, you have to stop. What are you talking...

#144
I'm trying to figure out what the lesson is.

#145
- We'll never zap back, making these-- - Hold on.

#146
I was saying that I'd cancel my credit card,

#147
no matter what race the guy was.

#148
But you went right to it. Let's just find the guy.

#149
How will we get in your car without your keys?

#150
I can get in. I've lost my keys before.

#151
You just gotta rock the car a little bit.

#152
And check the back door, 'cause sometimes that's unlocked.

#153
- A wire hanger... - Usually, if I push it a little...

#154
- A coat hanger somewhere. - Just kinda slide the window down...

#155
Car 559, responding to robbery in progress.

#156
It's all right, calm down.

#157
It's all good. We can talk our way out of this.

#158
We get out of this stuff all the time.

#159
Well, I think we just found out a new rule

#160
This is the exact same place where I found Old Black Man...

#161
- What? God! God, Frank. - Sorry, sorry.

#162
- Old Man, in the first place. - Okay.

#163
This has to be our mission. I just feel it. We'll find Old Man.

#164
We'll find him a place to live.

#165
We'll stick him in a nursing home. Can you afford that?

#166
Yes. Then, when we turn white again, I'll stop paying the checks.

#167
Oh, stop! Don't say that out loud.

#168
I feel like whoever zapped us here is probably listening.

#169
Who's that? Who zapped us?

#170
I don't know, Ziggy?

#171
They never really clarified on Quantum Leap.

#172
- They just accepted it. - What?

#173
Nobody went after the guy for revenge?

#174
Can you just move past it like they did? Let's go find your guy.

#175
But let me do the talking,

#176
because guys like Z, they don't like strangers.

#177
Yeah, but you're not you.

#178
Oh, right.

#179
Okay. Well, I got an idea

#180
of how we can ingratiate ourselves to them.

#181
Let's make one thing perfectly clear

#182
I'm gonna say some words down here

#183
I haven't had the chance to say before

#184
Where are you going with this, Frank?

#185
I'm gonna say "homie"

#186
Oh, come on.

#187
I'm gonna say "bro"

#188
Are you serious?

#189
I'm gonna say "my man"

#190
Now you're just stereotyping.

#191
I'm gonna say "fo' sho'"

#192
I'm gonna say the "N" word

#193
No. Stop, stop, stop.

#194
- Why? Why? - Thank you. No.

#195
- We're not saying that. Absolutely not. - Why? I'm black now.

#196
It's probably the only chance I got to say it.

#197
Why are you looking for a chance to say it?

#198
Well, a lot of black guys say it.

#199
Why should they get a pass?

#200
It's just not the same, okay?

#201
You're not one of them

#202
Don't say them

#203
No, that's not what I mean

#204
What do you mean?

#205
You're not one of us

#206
That's just confusing

#207
Now I'm getting lost

#208
We'll say "N" together

#209
Not saying the "N" word

#210
We'll leave off the "E-R"

#211
Not saying it that way

#212
And that is the end

#213
On saying the "N" word

#214
What's up, my niggas?

#215
What are the rules?

#216
There you go. Hey, see?

#217
- You know what it is? - Yeah. I'm black.

#218
Uh... Too. Uh...

#219
I'm black and I'm a friend of Frank's.

#220
- Right. - And...

#221
And I was looking for...

#222
A man that Frank came and brought to Dee's apartment

#223
to sleep with a bunch of other people, and I...

#224
I don't know how to describe him.

#225
He's old, and, uh...

#226
- And he's... - And, uh...

#227
He's about this tall. He has...

#228
Man, you talking about Old Black Man.

#229
He right over there, laying.

#230
How much does this guy sleep? Is he a cat?

#231
All aboard. Chug-a-chug-a-toot-toot.

#232
You really like that train, huh?

#233
Can you put it down for a sec, so we can talk?

#234
Well, I'm still playing with it, though.

#235
Okay.

#236
Listen, I'm a social worker,

#237
and I have some questions.

#238
Now, are those older guys your friends?

#239
Oh, yeah. That's my gang.

#240
Wait. You're in a gang?

#241
Oh, not like a gang-gang, like a...

#242
Oh, right. This must sound weird.

#243
All right, how can I explain this?

#244
Well, we hang in a bar where I like to clean the toilets

#245
And I also kill the rats and get tanked

#246
And I live in a walk-up in some section eight housing

#247
Where I sleep with a man named Frank

#248
You sleep with him?

#249
Unless he brings home a hooker, then I sleep in the closet

#250
Excuse me can I make this train fly?

#251
Sure.

#252
Is Frank your father?

#253
No, he's just some guy

#254
That banged my mother

#255
Like this guy and the other

#256
She's a hooker and it's sad

#257
But I don't feel all that bad

#258
Guess I'm just another black kid

#259
Who doesn't know his dad

#260
Guess we got that in common, huh, kid?

#261
Oh, unless he knows his dad. Shoot. That was racist.

#262
This is bullshit, man. This is total discrimination.

#263
We were breaking into a car that wasn't ours.

#264
But I think we've got bigger problems on our hands.

#265
- What if we have priors? - I do have priors.

#266
Oh, I have priors, too. I didn't mean us, I meant them.

#267
Dude. That could be... He probably does have priors.

#268
- Yeah. - Oh, no. See, let's not do that.

#269
Let's not go there, man.

#270
Let's not draw conclusions

#271
They're only just illusions

#272
Never, ever, ever just assume

#273
Right.

#274
The road is always two ways

#275
And assumptions make bad through-ways

#276
Let's open up our hearts for much more room

#277
Yes.

#278
Like, maybe, I'm a doctor

#279
Maybe it's just that

#280
Or maybe I'm a French chef

#281
And that's why you're so fat

#282
Maybe you're a fireman

#283
Saving people's lives

#284
Maybe we're just good men

#285
With houses, kids and wives

#286
Let's draw good conclusions

#287
Let's make a better guess

#288
Let's hope we learned our lesson

#289
And just pray for the best

#290
Reverend, I see that you and the deacon are praying.

#291
I apologize about any inconvenience and just want to thank you again

#292
for all the work your parish has done with the police athletic league.

#293
We're church blacks!

#294
Church people.

#295
We're just church people. The fact that we're black is irrelevant.

#296
- Has nothing to... - Ahem.

#297
Will you look at this place, Old Man?

#298
You'll not have to live with that Dee person anymore.

#299
It's a win-win for everybody in this situation.

#300
- Carl. - Ruth.

#301
Where have you been?

#302
Looking for you.

#303
Children, did you find him?

#304
Yes. Yes. Children. We're their kids!

#305
- Shit. We reunited them. - Holy shit. We did.

#306
- That was our mission. - We did it!

#307
Oh, God, yes.

#308
- What's all the hubbub about over there? - Oh, shit.

#309
Oh, what?

#310
That's Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap.

#311
I thought you said Blacula, like a black vampire.

#312
Hey. So, we were right?

#313
Wait a minute, are you here helping somebody?

#314
- Are you leaping? - Oh, my God.

#315
The show, I can't get away from it. Look.

#316
That was just a TV character. I'm an actor.

#317
- Why do you got a mop? - Researching a role.

#318
So...

#319
You didn't get a piece of the show? Your residuals ran out. I'm sorry.

#320
I've been working constantly for 30 years, okay?

#321
All right. Okay, yeah.

#322
Well, anyway, we just reunited a family, and we're gonna leap.

#323
- We're gonna leap now. - Yeah, right now. Ziggy, now!

#324
- It's not working. How do you do it? - How'd you do it on the show?

#325
- Just get out, okay? Get out, everybody. - Wait.

#326
Fine. Fine, Scott. But listen to me.

#327
Don't steal our leap.

#328
Yeah. Don't steal our leap.

#329
How did they know

#330
That my wife took it all?

#331
And I'm not researching roles

#332
How did they know?

#333
Ziggy, if you hear me

#334
Take me far, far from here

#335
Let me leap to '89

#336
That was a better year

#337
I miss my old Camaro

#338
And my mansion in Van Nuys

#339
Wish I still hung with Nash Bridges

#340
Played poker with The Fall Guy

#341
Oh, Ziggy, can you see my tears?

#342
Ziggy!

#343
Leap me far

#344
Far from here

#345
Hey, Hollywood.

#346
Why don't you leap on up to the third floor?

#347
Somebody shit all over the dining hall.

#348
Okay, boss.

#349
Dude, can I admit something to you?

#350
I feel like that's the nicest the police have ever treated me.

#351
Well, maybe that's the lesson that we have to learn.

#352
That if you're an upstanding member of society,

#353
then the police will treat you with respect.

#354
Although, I still suspect that we were arrested due to racial profiling.

#355
I don't think so, dude.

#356
- No? - I think it's still unclear.

#357
What are the rules?

#358
Ugh. Here we go with this.

#359
What are the rules?

#360
When your race has changed

#361
Life can be real strange

#362
When you're trying to figure out all the rules

#363
- Hey, guys. - Oh, hey.

#364
- We're not in a Quantum Leap. - What happened?

#365
We reunited Old Black-- Old Man with his wife.

#366
- Nothing happened. - Yeah, we ran into Blacula.

#367
- Bakula. - Bakula.

#368
- Scott Bakula, the actor? - I think he's trying to steal our leap.

#369
- Yeah, he might be. - This doesn't make any sense.

#370
We're not in a classic body-switching movie, either,

#371
because we've been learning lessons left and right,

#372
- and we're still not changing back. - Really? Huh.

#373
Oh! What are the rules?

#374
What are the rules?

#375
What are the rules?

#376
What are the rules?

#377
When you've kept your brain

#378
But the world's insane

#379
How the hell you gonna find out the rules?

#380
Guys, maybe we didn't keep our brains after all,

#381
like the Scarecrow in The Wiz.

#382
I grabbed Dee's VCR. I'm thinking, maybe, if we get this fixed,

#383
we can get shocked again while watching The Wiz,

#384
- And that'll send us back. - My God! Charlie!

#385
I can't believe I didn't think of this.

#386
You guys remember that electronics store on Market Street? The Wiz?

#387
- It's called The Wiz! - Yes!

#388
Maybe we gotta bring the VCR there. Guys, I think we really are in The Wiz.

#389
- You called it, man. - I don't know.

#390
We can't be sure, but right now, it does feel like the path of least resistance.

#391
- It's the only thing we haven't tried. - Right?

#392
What are the rules?

#393
Of being black in America

#394
What are the rules?

#395
Of leaping from your body

#396
What are the rules?

#397
Who can say the "N" word?

#398
What are the rules?

#399
I really wanna say the "N" word

#400
What are the rules?

#401
What are the rules?

#402
Shit, there it is! The Wiz!

#403
I can't do that dance anymore.

#404
- That was exhausting. - It's closed!

#405
- Open up! We need your help! - Open the door.

#406
Back up. Here he comes.

#407
What do you want? We're closed.

#408
- We're here to see the Wiz. - We gotta talk to him.

#409
There's no Wiz. It's just the name of the store.

#410
- Oh, yeah? - All right, man.

#411
Can you just fix this VCR for us, please?

#412
- Go away. Come back when we're open. - Wait. Just hear us out.

#413
Excuse me

#414
My kind brother

#415
Ooh...

#416
Ah...

#417
But can you lend a hand?

#418
Ooh...

#419
Ah...

#420
We really are in trouble

#421
Ooh...

#422
Ah...

#423
We really need a friend

#424
Ooh, ooh

#425
Ah...

#426
We're trapped inside these bodies

#427
Trapped inside We're trapped inside

#428
Ooh...

#429
It's so hard to understand!

#430
Ooh...

#431
But if you look inside our souls, sir

#432
Ah...

#433
You'll see that we're white men

#434
Oh, I see. Yes! I see it now.

#435
Let me fix your VCR.

#436
Yeah! Oh, great!

#437
Thank you! Thank you!

#438
- That's a nice white man. - And the song helped.

#439
- It worked. - 911? I'd like to report a disturbance.

#440
He's calling the cops.

#441
That racist bastard!

#442
What happened is we intimidated him 'cause we're black.

#443
- My God. - You know why he's calling the cops?

#444
Because he thinks we're insane people.

#445
We were singing and talking about switching bodies.

#446
- What are the rules? - I'm sick of that one.

#447
I don't wanna sing that song again.

#448
That being said, it's difficult to decipher

#449
when exactly we're being discriminated against.

#450
Well, look.

#451
Maybe that's the lesson here

#452
Things are not always that clear

#453
- That's definitely true. - They're not.

#454
We have a lot in common

#455
But too much of it is fear

#456
You're right.

#457
So, here come those police again

#458
Shit.

#459
But let me talk 'cause they're my friends

#460
They like me

#461
They gave me this train

#462
He's got a gun!

#463
- Oh, God! - They shot Charlie!

#464
Freeze! Get on the ground!

#465
We just learned our lesson

#466
Aah, yeah!

#467
A horrible lesson

#468
Aah, yeah!

#469
We just learned our lesson and we wanna go home

#470
Our home White home

#471
Just say home We really, really wanna go home

#472
Let's click our heels together

#473
Whoa, yeah

#474
And pray we leave forever

#475
Oh, yeah

#476
We just learned our lesson and we wanna go home

#477
Our home White home

#478
Just say home! We really, really

#479
Wanna go home

#480
Over the rainbow!

#481
I wanna, wanna, wanna wanna, wanna, wanna go home

#482
I wanna, wanna, wanna wanna, wanna, wanna go home

#483
I wanna go home I wanna, wanna, wanna go home

#484
I wanna go home I wanna, wanna, wanna go home

#485
Go home! Go home! Go home!

#486
- Wake up! - Hey, go home!

#487
- Go home! - Wake up!

#488
- Go home. - It's morning. You know the routine.

#489
Go home. Or wherever the hell it is you go during the day.

#490
I had the craziest dream.

#491
You were there. You were there.

#492
- You all were singing. - That's great. We don't give a shit.

#493
We don't like hearing about people's dreams.

#494
Yeah, let's go, chop-chop. Come on.

#495
Does this mean you didn't learn your lesson?

#496
What is he talking about?

#497
Learn a lesson from your dream?

#498
How would that work?

#499
The only thing we learned is you have terrible taste in movies.

#500
- Let's go. We'll see you later tonight. - Yeah. We'll see you, pal.

#501
Hit the road. Do your day thing.

#502
He wants me to learn a lesson from his dream.

#503
We got to have peace

#504
To keep the world alive and war to cease

#505
Oh, boy.

#506
What are the rules?

#507
We got to have joy

#508
True in our hearts with strength we can't destroy

#509
People, hear us

#510
Through our voice the world knows there's no choice

#511
We're begging save the children

#512
The little ones who just don't understand

#513
Give them a chance

#514
To breed their young and help purify

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