Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S12E02 — The Gang Goes to a Water Park

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 12, Episode 2 — The Gang Goes to a Water Park

#1
Oh, Christ, does every single one of these kids have the flu?

#5
You're like, "What's that rascal Charlie up to?

#6
"What's he up to this time?" Right, right?

#7
I'm not thinking that at all.

#8
Yeah, well, it's an issue of aerodynamics, really.

#10
And we plan to ride every single ride in there today.

#11
Yeah, the brochure says three days.

#12
We're saying bullshit to that.

#14
All right, well, good luck with that 'cause you got, like,

#15
ten minutes of clean water and then every slide's basically

#16
a urine delivery system.

#17
- Yeah. - We're not gonna get

#18
- drenched in piss. - No.

#19
We're gonna go in there, find our favorite ride,

#20
bomb down it once,

#21
then sit by the pool the rest of the day disease-free.

#22
Don't kid yourself about the water, buddy.

#23
You're not gonna be disease-free. This water's already infested

#24
with every parasite on the planet.

#25
And I, for one, have no intention of stepping foot in any of it.

#26
So what do you come to a water park for?

#27
Hot food, cold beer, bikini'd women seeking relief

#30
- None of which involve piss. - Hmm.

#31
And it's all free, too, if you know how to get it.

#33
Not me, I had my bracelet laminated in the '90s.

#34
I haven't paid to get in here since I was 14.

#35
- Nice! - Nice, nice.

#36
- Oh, smart. - Oh, shush!

#37
- Shush, shush, they're about to open! - Why do we have to shush?

#38
Oh, guys! I almost forgot.

#39
Do not go near the pool drains,

#40
no matter how good you might think they feel on your butt.

#41
- What? - Huh? What?

#42
You do not sit on those!

#44
No one's thinking about that, man.

#45
No one's thinking about that at all.

#46
Oh, good, 'cause it is bad news.

#47
Those things will suck the intestines right out of you.

#48
Like it did to that one kid back in '96.

#49
Now, she had to chew through her intestines

#50
- just to get free. - When I see the drain,

#51
I'm not gonna go try and sit on it.

#52
- Oh, here we go. - Okay, here we go! Here we go!

#53
- We got to go! Get in there! Go! Go! Go! - Christ!

#54
Kiddie Twister Kiddie Twister

#55
Here we go, here we go, here we go!

#56
- Yeah, Kiddie Twister! - I'm so excited.

#57
- It's been, like, 20 years. - What's that?

#59
It turns light red at the slightest hint of piss.

#60
- And I think we're good. - Let's roll.

#61
Hey, guys, guys, guys. Slide's for kids only.

#62
Size requirement.

#63
Shut up, nerd!

#64
Kiddie Twister!

#65
Screw you, nerd!

#66
You're gonna get hurt

#67
Uh, come on, nerd.

#68
Whoo-hoo! Kiddie Twister!

#70
Kiddie Twister!

#71
Kiddie Twis... oh, shit!

#72
Kiddie Twister! Wait, Dee, no!

#73
No, I'm stuck, wait!

#74
Ow!

#75
Shit!

#76
Ow! Ow, Dee, I'm stuck!

#77
Yeah, no shit!

#79
You're blocking me.

#80
Your stupid wrist band got us all jammed up.

#81
It's not just that.

#83
Shit, what are we gonna do?

#84
Uh... Okay. Just remain calm, all right?

#86
Okay, but we got to get unstuck before they send another kid

#87
because... Oh, God,

#88
some big, fat kid's just gonna come blasting down on us.

#89
You're gonna be fine. Trust me.

#90
- Shit! - God damn it!

#92
This is slow, Charlie.

#93
I'm never gonna get through this crap.

#94
We should've gone down the first slide we saw.

#95
I know, I know, but we needed to start at the northmost point

#96
of the park, right?

#97
- Then we work our way south. - Yeah.

#98
And that cuts back on the excess

#99
- running back and forth. - Oh, yeah.

#100
You know, that said, I'm sorry I got us so lost.

#103
- I thought north was, like, up. - "Up"?

#107
We got to get going here.

#108
- I know, God damn it. - Where's he going?

#109
- Coming through. Excuse us. - What, what?

#110
How come he can cut to the front?

#111
Oh, Ethan is here with a special program for children with leukemia,

#112
so he skips to the front of the line.

#114
AIDS!

#115
AIDS, I got AIDS. I got AIDS, we're coming through.

#116
Yeah, yeah, sorry. Cutting through.

#117
I'm his doctor, my patient's got to get to the front of the line

#118
- because he has AIDS. - I got the AIDS.

#119
He got it from a gay guy in the '80s.

#120
- I'm not gay, I didn't... But... - Well...

#121
There's two kind of AIDS...

#122
There's the vagina AIDS, and then the needle-based AIDS.

#123
I'm a vagina guy.

#124
Well, no, actually my test results show that it was the gay AIDS.

#125
- All AIDS are bad. - Well...

#126
No good AIDS. But I'm telling you, like I said,

#127
this is not the gay AIDS.

#128
Lie back down.

#129
One of these little stinkers yours?

#130
- My son. - This one here?

#131
Mmm-hmm. Oh, yeah,

#132
he's adorable.

#133
- You? - Oh, daughter, yeah.

#134
I try to take her to fun places like this.

#135
Let a little sunshine back into her life ever since her mom...

#136
Oh, my God. Did she...

#137
Die horrifically?

#138
Yeah.

#139
Drowning. Kind of ironic, us being at a water park,

#140
but, you know, you got to...

#141
You got to roll with the punches, you know?

#142
Got to get back out there and live life...

#143
Daddy, Daddy, can I borrow $20?

#144
What?

#145
Oh, hi there, what's your name?

#146
Abby.

#147
I'm hungry, Daddy.

#148
Can I please have $20?

#149
Well, I think you can get something to eat for a lot less than that, hon.

#150
Dad!

#151
I'm hungry, I'm starving,

#152
and you haven't given me any money.

#153
Yeah.

#154
What the hell?

#155
Anything for my little...

#156
Abby.

#157
Interesting.

#158
What's interesting?

#159
Nothing.

#160
I'm done with you.

#161
Keep up.

#162
Aah! Jesus.

#163
You'd think all the pressure would blast us through.

#164
No, it's just squeezing me further into the stuck!

#165
Okay, well, get the bracelet off.

#166
- Just rip it off. - Dee, I'm trying.

#167
I can't get any actual leverage on it.

#168
Besides, it's triple-laminated.

#169
- It's not just gonna rip. - Oh, no.

#170
- I think someone peed. - What! Sherman, did you pee?

#171
- No. - Sherman, my vial

#172
- is turning light pink. - Ugh...

#173
God damn it, Sherman, I ordered you not to pee!

#174
- Sorry! - Oh, disgusting!

#175
Sorry's not gonna cut it, Sherman,

#176
- it's not gonna cut it. - Nobody else pee!

#177
Ah, the sun's just blasting me right in the face.

#178
Why does it have to be right there?

#179
Dee, if God put the sun there, there's probably a reason, okay?

#180
Don't question him. We need God!

#181
God didn't put the sun anywhere.

#182
The sun stays still. The Earth moves around it.

#183
- Oh, Jesus Christ. - Okay. All right.

#184
We gotta get these kids out of here.

#185
All right. I'm going for it. I'm just pulling on one of 'em.

#186
Come on. Ah, this friggin' dome's like a magnifying glass.

#187
Get him through, I can get him.

#188
- Get help. - Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

#189
Kid, kid, kid, listen. Come here.

#190
Before you go,

#191
no matter how alluring it is,

#192
do not put your genitals or your butthole

#193
near the pool drain. You got it?

#194
- In fact, cover your butthole. - Okay, go.

#195
- Okay, kid. Go, kid, go! - Come on. Go.

#196
Cover that butthole, kid!

#197
Mac. Stop talking to children about their buttholes, okay?

#198
- It's not appropriate. - Okay.

#199
Okay. Uh, I think we gotta get another kid out.

#200
You know what? What about this one?

#201
That kid looks passed out, Dee.

#202
Yeah, he's out cold, but I think

#203
I can maneuver his body pretty easily.

#204
Yeah, but if we send him down there, he might drown.

#205
Guys, I gotta take a poop.

#206
I see you stealing. I wasn't stealing them!

#207
I just forgot I was wearing them! Let go of me!

#208
My dad's a cop!

#209
Abigail! What is going on in here?

#210
Where have you been? I've been worried sick about you.

#211
- This your daughter? - Yes.

#212
Officer Dennis Reynolds.

#213
Hi. Off-duty, of course.

#214
This is your jurisdiction.

#215
- Look, I caught her stealing sunglasses. - Yeah?

#216
- No, I didn't! I was just... - Abigail,

#217
I gave you $20 to buy whatever you wanted.

#218
What happened to that? Do you still have it?

#219
Yes.

#220
Well, then you need to pay for these sunglasses.

#221
Actually, no. You know what? On second thought, no.

#222
You don't get the sunglasses.

#223
- You need to be taught a lesson. - I think that she gets...

#224
I really appreciate everything that you do.

#225
Real police officer to security guard,

#226
honestly, I want to thank you for everything.

#227
- Thanks. - This little girl,

#228
she's gonna be grounded for a month.

#229
Come on, Abigail, let's go.

#230
Try to touch me, and I'll scream "rape."

#231
Please. I see the road you're headed down. The lying, the stealing, all of it.

#232
And as somebody who's been down that road,

#233
let me tell you something. You've got real talent.

#234
Okay...

#235
Mmm.

#236
That ought to work.

#237
What are you doing?

#238
Oh, it's a simple lunch play.

#239
I tell the burger stand

#240
some hyperactive brat knocked my food on the ground,

#241
they replace it, no questions asked.

#242
I usually just swipe a burger

#243
off some dumb-ass family while they're not looking.

#244
Well, that begs the question, Abigail,

#245
you want to be a thief or do you want to be an artist?

#246
You see, an artist takes whatever

#247
he wants when somebody's looking right at him.

#248
- These are too small for me. - Yeah.

#249
- You get the point. - Yeah.

#250
Here comes the hot stepper Murderer

#251
I'm the lyrical gangster Murderer

#252
Big up di crew ina di area Murderer

#253
Still love you like that Murderer

#254
No, no, we don't die

#255
Yes, we multiply

#256
- I got AIDS, AIDS. - AIDS! Guy with AIDS, coming through.

#257
- AIDS, coming through. - AIDS, AIDS...

#258
Hey, man, go through. Hey, go for it, go, go, go!

#259
No, you need a raft! You need a raft!

#260
Touch them up and go, uh-oh

#261
Ch-Ch-Chang-chang

#262
Here comes the hot stepper Murderer

#263
I'm the lyrical gangster...

#264
Excuse me, Mr. Officer Murderer

#265
Still love you like that Murderer

#266
Go.

#267
Go.

#268
- My camera! - Oh, great, your camera.

#269
I was really worried about that.

#270
This is my watch.

#271
Cut to fade is me fade to cut is she

#272
Come juggle with me I say every time

#273
Here comes the hot stepper Murderer...

#274
Go.

#275
Go.

#276
- My sunglasses. - Oh, all of our chains!

#277
You know how hard it is to get all of our chains.

#278
- AIDS... - AIDS.

#279
Na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na

#280
Na-na-na-na

#281
Ow!

#282
Stop sending kids, nerd!

#283
- You goddamn nerd! - Go.

#284
- We're making good time. - We're doin' it, Charlie.

#285
- We're pretty much caught up. - Whoa, hey, hey, guys!

#286
What are you guys doing? You guys doing a AIDS thing?

#287
- Oh, yeah! - Yeah.

#288
I gave Frank a couple hickeys

#289
- to sell the lesions. - Sucked on 'em.

#290
Yeah, yeah.

#291
You doing a fake daughter thing?

#292
- Yeah. - Cool. All right, man, see ya.

#293
See ya.

#294
I'm the lyrical gangster Murderer

#295
Excuse me, Mr. Officer Murderer

#296
Still love you like that Murderer

#297
Act like you know, G go

#298
I know what Bo don't know

#299
Touch them up and go, uh-oh

#300
Three, two, one, go!

#301
I got AIDS!

#302
Yeah!

#303
- Frank, we did it, man! - Charlie!

#304
- With time to spare! - Charlie! We...

#305
- Every single ride in here! - We won!

#306
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey! - Hey! Suck on that, river rat!

#307
Every ride!

#308
- We did it. - Oh, shit.

#309
Frank. Look at this!

#310
- Oh. - Oh...

#311
What... What is that?

#312
I don't know.

#313
I mean, that's not on the map... What ride is that?

#314
- Excuse me? Excuse me, ma'am? - Yeah?

#315
What is this ride over here?

#316
Oh, that's our new slide. It's, uh, Thunder Gun Express.

#317
We just finished construction.

#318
It'll be open in a few weeks.

#319
- A Thunder Gun ride? - Yeah.

#320
Like the movie?

#321
Yeah, but there's no water or anything yet,

#322
- so we still have to test it. - Oh, yeah.

#323
It's totally dry.

#324
- Okay, yeah, yeah. - It's not...

#325
No, but it's not, it's not open yet.

#326
It's Thunder Gun, man. No hesitation.

#327
- No, no, no. - No surrender. No man left behind.

#328
We got to get to the top of that slide.

#329
And raw-dog the shit out of it!

#330
- Mac? - Yeah?

#331
My vial is blood red.

#332
That's because the water's not even running through anymore.

#333
It's just pooling up.

#334
Well, I got to tell you something, though, I...

#335
I don't know if I'm gonna be able to hold it much longer.

#336
- What? - I've been in here for so long.

#337
Don't you do it, Dee! Don't you do it!

#338
The problem is it's already happening. I'm peeing on your shoulder right now.

#339
But I don't mean to, I'm sorry.

#340
- It's warm. - You bitch!

#341
When we get out of here, I'm gonna kill you!

#342
What am I supposed to do? How are you even holding your pee?

#343
We've been stuck in here forever!

#344
Oh, I peed as soon as we got in the slide.

#345
Me, too. What?

#346
- Ew! - What?

#347
- These animals are, they're laughing! - Of course they are!

#348
I think they're actually enjoying this shit!

#349
Oh, they love every second of it!

#350
- They're just pissing all over us! - God damn it.

#351
We're gonna die in here with them!

#352
Wait, wait, wait. Wait a second, Dee.

#353
- I've got an idea! - What?

#354
If we can get Sherman's mouth

#355
to this bracelet, we can get out of here.

#356
- You said you couldn't rip through it. - No, I can't.

#357
But Sherman can chew through it!

#358
Like the girl in the pool drain

#359
when she got her anus stuck, she chewed through

#360
her prolapsed anus and chewed herself to freedom.

#361
- What are you talking about? - Sherman!

#362
Get your mouth to this bracelet and chew!

#363
Aw, screw it. Try it.

#364
Chew like you've never chewed before.

#365
Go, Sherman, chew!

#366
Whoa!

#367
Whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing?

#368
I got some boy to give me this.

#369
I said I'd kiss him if he met me in the parking lot.

#370
Then I swiped his wristband, so he can't get back in.

#371
Nice.

#372
Thanks. Well, I got to roll.

#373
What do you mean? Where you going? We're just getting started.

#374
Yeah, but my mom said it's time to leave.

#375
Wow.

#376
That's a disappointing glimpse into your future.

#377
Now, why don't you tell your mom

#378
you want to stick around for a little while?

#379
That won't work. She never listens to me.

#380
Oh, now, see, no. That bothers me.

#381
A genius whose fate is controlled by an idiot?

#382
You think I'm a genius?

#383
Yes! Yes, I think you're a genius. Are you kidding me?

#384
When I was your age, I couldn't have accomplished

#385
half the things you did today.

#386
See, this is why the Chinese are destroying us.

#387
If you were born in China,

#388
you'd be the head of some factory by now.

#389
Or they would've thrown you in a river,

#390
'cause you weren't a boy.

#391
All right, it's not a great analogy, but you get my point.

#392
Abby...

#393
You deserve better.

#394
Here, I... I want you to have it.

#395
No, what do you mean? You earned that.

#396
No, please, take it.

#397
So you never forget me.

#398
Thanks, Dennis.

#399
For being the first adult to actually give a shit about me.

#400
You!

#401
Yes?

#402
We need to have a conversation.

#403
Your daughter is a special kid. A gifted child who should be treasured.

#404
If she were born in China, she...

#405
Wait, I already did that. Didn't work.

#406
If she were born in...

#407
What country treasures their women?

#408
- What are you talking about? - What am I talking about?

#409
Mom, can I have a slushy?

#410
Yes, in just a minute.

#411
Is that Abby's brother?

#412
I don't have a daughter.

#413
Yes, you do. The girl that was just...

#414
Please take it.

#415
So you never forget me.

#416
See, an artist takes whatever he wants

#417
when somebody's looking right at him.

#418
What is wrong with you? Why are you...

#419
Huh.

#420
How would you even describe something like that?

#421
It's so beautiful.

#422
They should've sent a poet.

#423
- All right, let's go, let's go. - Okay.

#424
- All right, all right. Here we go. - Okay.

#425
Oh, oh.

#426
All right.

#427
- This should be good, right? - Oh, that's great.

#428
- That'll do it. - Oh!

#429
Who's going first?

#430
Well, it should be you, right? I mean, you pulled off the AIDS thing.

#431
Oh, Charlie! Charlie! All right!

#432
Let's go before we get caught. Let's go before we get busted.

#433
- All right, here we go. Ready, Frankie! - All right.

#434
- I won't let you down! - All right!

#435
- I like the spirit here. - Oh!

#436
Oh, it burns! It burns! It burns!

#437
Aah!

#438
My back!

#439
That guy has AIDS!

#440
Aah! Aah, my back!

#441
AIDS! Everybody out.

#442
Aah! Aah!

#443
- We're free! - Oh, my God!

#444
- Ah, we're free! - We're free!

#445
Is that blood?

#446
There's AIDS blood in the pool!

#447
That's goddamn AIDS blood!

#448
Has anyone seen my son?

#449
God damn it!

#450
I hate this goddamn water park!

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