Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S12E03 — Old Lady House - A Situation Comedy

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 12, Episode 3 — Old Lady House - A Situation Comedy

#1
No, your mom is the monster, all right?

#2
- My mom is the sweet one. - Oh, the sweet one?

#4
but we're not having an argument about who's sweeter.

#6
All right, look, my mom's been calling me, like, all the time, okay?

#7
She's clearly upset.

#10
My mom has a great relationship with me.

#11
- She never calls you! - She calls me all the time!

#12
- Yes, she does! - I have proof.

#13
Look at this. I got this in the mail.

#14
Is that, like, a ransom note for Mac's mom?

#15
Huh? No. This... My mom sent this.

#16
Why would your mom write a ransom note to herself?

#17
It's not a ransom note. This is just how she writes notes to me.

#18
That's like a bunch of gibberish, Charlie.

#19
I don't know... Is that a hieroglyph of a dog?

#21
She feels trapped inside her own home.

#23
Okay, guys, I think I have a pretty simple solution here.

#25
my surveillance system's just lying around in storage.

#26
I got about a baker's dozen of cameras. They're just sitting there.

#27
I say we set them up in your mom's home,

#28
and find out what's really going on in there.

#29
- That could work. I mean, yeah. - Great idea.

#30
- You don't think that's creepy? - What?

#31
- He's talking about spying on your moms. - So what?

#33
Uh, they're not women. They're old.

#34
At a certain point, a woman goes from being a woman

#35
to just being an old person.

#36
- True. - What happens to a man?

#37
A man lives and then dies. Why are we having this argument?

#38
- A man remains a man. - Dennis, it's a great idea.

#39
And no one's gonna get hurt.

#40
It's not like they're gonna get exploited in any way, right?

#41
No, no, no, exactly.

#42
I think once we have a look at what's going on in there,

#44
Oh, it's so nice of you

#47
No, no, no, Mom. We aren't gonna touch the gifts.

#48
We don't touch them. We just look at them.

#49
And they look back at you, and they... Hands off.

#50
Mom, make sure you don't water this plant.

#52
She has a very nurturing nature. She'd...

#53
Mrs. Mac, are you gonna water the plants?

#55
- I'm so glad to see you. - Yeah.

#56
- I was worried that you were dead. - Okay. Why?

#57
Oh, my mom also thought I was dead,

#58
and she also loves me very much.

#59
No, I don't.

#60
Oh, she meant the first part. She meant the first part where I...

#61
Because she can't imagine a life without me, right, Mom?

#62
I don't give a shit.

#64
I'll put you out of the misery of this conversation. Mom?

#66
Anything that's bothering you? Anything you wanna talk about?

#68
that you wanna talk about that's bothering you...

#70
You're asking her the exact same question I just asked.

#71
Do you own all of the questions? Do you own that question?

#72
You're gonna steal my question?

#73
Mom, what happened?

#74
She poured hot soup on me!

#76
- She poured hot soup on her. - She was adjusting her--

#77
- What... - Wait a second.

#79
We could also get some soup.

#80
No, the video. We can go back and watch the video and see...

#81
- what actually happened. - We can watch and see... Yes.

#83
Gentleman, welcome to your moms.

#84
Wow, man. This is a serious setup.

#86
All right, there was an incident with some soup.

#87
And, uh, did you get anything?

#88
'Cause I'd like to see if his mom poured on my Ma on purpose.

#89
She definitely did pour it, and she definitely did it on purpose.

#90
- There you go. She's abusing my mom. - It's clear as day.

#91
But what's really interesting

#92
is what seems to be happening right here in the live feed.

#93
Oh. You want to sleep.

#94
Well, I'll sleep you.

#95
Huh.

#96
What the hell, man?

#97
- That's your mom abusing my mom! - No, it's not!

#98
- That's just one of those things... - What thing?

#99
Where you're just like, it's like, a "Why, I oughta," but it's no big deal.

#100
- Why, I oughta what? - Why, I oughta bludgeon you with a hammer.

#101
But she's not actually gonna do it.

#102
It's like how Ralph Kramden on The Honeymooners

#103
would always say, "Why, I oughta." He was threatening to beat his wife.

#104
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah. You know? I mean, it's funny,

#105
- 'cause he's not actually gonna do it... - That was funny, yeah.

#106
even though the threat is always there. He might...

#107
He might cave her face in, but he won't.

#108
Yeah, but he's not gonna, you know?

#109
That's funny. But in this circumstance, it's not funny, because it's my mom!

#110
Right. Wait, actually, you know what?

#111
We don't really know for sure whether it's funny or not.

#112
Let me try something here.

#113
You want to sleep.

#114
Well, I'll sleep you.

#115
Hmm. Well, what is that?

#116
Well, you made me think of, like, sitcoms, The Honeymooners.

#117
I just thought, "This isn't very funny.

#118
"But if I add a laugh track, maybe, I don't know."

#119
But it's not a show. This is their lives.

#120
- But it does kinda lighten it up for me. - It did lighten it. I'm not saying...

#121
Can you play it again without the laugh track?

#122
Yeah, sure.

#123
Well, I'll sleep you.

#124
- That goes right back to super dark. - It's a bummer without it.

#125
It's not funny. Yeah, no. Let me just try it again with the, uh...

#126
You want to sleep.

#127
Well, I'll sleep you.

#128
- That's funny! - I mean, yeah.

#129
It's weird, because the situation really isn't funny.

#130
- And you add a laugh track... - But the laughing tells me it's funny.

#131
- They have timing, man, for sure. - That's great.

#132
I don't understand. Is this a dark situation or a comical one?

#133
We don't really know yet, Mac. But I tell you what,

#134
why don't we stick around back here for a little while.

#135
Let's watch how this whole thing plays out.

#136
I'll keep sweetening the situation as it calls for it,

#137
and you might as well stick around.

#138
Did you just ash in my tapioca?

#139
Mm-hmm.

#140
- All right, yeah. I like that. - This is gold.

#141
- They got something, man. - It's really working.

#142
I don't know what this is, but...

#143
- What's this? - Oh, check it out.

#144
Mrs. Mac and Mrs. Kelly have a classic comedic rivalry.

#145
They're going at it like the greats. Like Abbott and Costello, Tom and Jerry.

#146
- It's amazing. - Huh.

#147
Oh, sorry. Fly.

#148
Buzz off!

#149
If you guys are looking for a comedy troupe

#150
that beats the shit out of each other for laughs,

#151
there's nobody better than the Three Stooges.

#152
Put me on the show.

#153
What show? It's not a show.

#154
We're just watching our moms to figure out what the situation is.

#155
It could be a show, but you're right. It's not a show.

#156
It certainly looks like you're trying to make a show.

#157
I think it's a good idea, and I think you should put me in.

#158
- Why? - Yeah.

#159
'Cause I'm so much funnier than these two.

#160
Look at them, they're just smashing each other with stuff.

#161
I could add a whole physical comedy element, you know?

#162
Hey, I smell chips. What are we watching?

#163
We're not really watching anything yet, until Big Funny shows up. You'll see.

#164
Ooh.

#165
Mrs. Kelly looks hot on screen.

#166
Come on, knock that off.

#167
There's something about people on TV. Catch me up. What did I miss?

#168
Well, the grunty one physically abuses the shrill one.

#169
And the shrill one psychologically abuses the grunty one.

#170
And it really plays. It's really funny.

#171
You know what, actually, I'm gonna try something here, guys.

#172
You are a horrible woman.

#173
And I can't wait until those cigarettes kill you.

#174
And I shall dance on your grave.

#175
Yeah.

#176
This is so great!

#177
And having those other people laugh tells me when I should laugh.

#178
- Good. - Yeah.

#179
I love that.

#180
And the music that I added makes you know that it's light.

#181
It's also helping me realize that I think the situation's okay over there.

#182
Honestly, I'm gonna ignore my mom's note, like I ignore her phone calls.

#183
- I think we're good here. - They have chemistry.

#184
And I really love how playful and fun my mom's coming off.

#185
- Well. - Uh, no.

#186
- Yeah, no, no. - Never. No, no.

#187
I actually find your mom very off-putting.

#188
- Yeah. - She's hard on the eyes.

#189
- Tough on the eyes. - And you know what else?

#190
- Super one-note. - Yeah.

#191
No! No, no, no, no.

#192
My mom's got lots of notes. She's a symphony.

#193
She's getting so many laughs.

#194
- She's pushing... - I'm concerned about longevity.

#195
She's getting laughs from us now, sure,

#196
but I think that we're gonna have a problem in the long run.

#197
You just don't understand the nuance of her performance.

#198
- I don't. - Cut to a close-up.

#199
We need more close-ups.

#200
Mm.

#201
And she's constantly looking directly into the camera somehow.

#202
- She's repulsive. - She is repulsive.

#203
You know what? I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna show you.

#204
She can pop, okay?

#205
She's gonna pop. You'll see.

#206
Uh-oh.

#207
- Hang on. - What's up?

#208
My mom's trying to call me.

#209
Hmm. Oh, wait, you know what? Don't pick up.

#210
- Oh, no, I never would. - Okay, good.

#211
But let's let that play out.

#212
Camera one.

#213
Oh, Charlie.

#214
Charlie, please pick up.

#215
One, two, three.

#216
Charlie, where are you?

#217
One, two, three.

#218
Oh.

#219
God, it's me, Bonnie.

#220
I'm so worried about my Charlie boy.

#221
Please don't have him be in a ditch somewhere,

#222
or squished between two trains,

#223
and his body mangled,

#224
so if they move the trains,

#225
all his guts and bodily fluids and organs spill out.

#226
Please, God.

#227
Don't have him die.

#228
Aw.

#229
I knew it.

#230
She's a star.

#231
- Charlie, this could be huge. - Yeah?

#232
I think this really could be a show, with your mom as the star.

#233
Imagine what that would do for your mom. What do you think?

#234
Oh, shit.

#235
Well, now I'm thinking about my mom starring in a show, and I like it.

#236
Um, now I'm thinking about minotaurs.

#237
Now I'm thinking about a hoagie sandwich.

#238
Now I'm thinking about a glass of water to go with the chips.

#239
How many of my thoughts do you need? Do you want me to go on, or...

#240
No, that's... We're good.

#241
Mom, you know that I think

#242
you're the most captivating and beautiful woman in the world, don't you?

#243
- No. - Oh! I got something for you.

#244
Sort of brighten you up a little bit.

#245
- What the hell is that? - Lipstick.

#246
"Heartbreaker." Just like you.

#247
- I ain't wearing no lipstick. - Come on, Mom.

#248
Be agreeable, which makes you rootable, which makes you likeable.

#249
- you! - That's a joke.

#250
That's a joke. We will beep that, I think.

#251
He will beep that, and that'll be funny.

#252
Let me just try and put some of this...

#253
Buzz off!

#254
That's good. "Buzz off."

#255
You know, that's like, uh, a call back, which could become a catchphrase.

#256
You should probably think of a few more, so you're not just too one-note.

#257
What about, um, "I can't even"?

#258
Or "That went well"?

#259
I'm gonna take a shit.

#260
That's not a good catchphrase. It is healthy, though.

#261
Oh...

#262
Cock-a-doodle-doo!

#263
What are you doing?

#264
Just the wacky neighbor, swinging by with the usual hijinks.

#265
Aga-aga-aga-agoo.

#266
I'm sorry.

#267
Do I hear someone upstairs?

#268
Oh, neighbor! Just swingin' by to say hello.

#269
Will you look at that?

#270
I've got my dumb head stuck in the banister.

#271
- Dee's a nightmare, dude. - It's awful.

#272
You're not gonna try and put a laugh in, or...

#273
Uh, nowhere to put it.

#274
- Can't tell where the jokes should to be. - Exactly.

#275
Whoops. Okay, it's actually a little bit stuck.

#276
Mac? You wanna come pull on me?

#277
Dee, I don't know what you're doing,

#278
because none of this is playing, and you're not funny at all, and--

#279
Hey, you know what, Dee?

#280
From here, what you're doing actually is kind of funny.

#281
I wish we could get Mac out of there.

#282
- Oh, I know. - Terrible.

#283
- He's making me sick. - Yeah. Ugly.

#284
Mrs. Kelly, can you please help me out? My head is really stuck.

#285
Um, I don't do well with emergencies, and I have to answer the door.

#286
- Hi, Jack. - Hi, Bonnie.

#287
Just stopping by to pick up that hard drive

#288
I accidentally left under the floorboards.

#289
- Oh, come on in. - Okay.

#290
Man, what is Uncle Jack doing there?

#291
- He's awful. - So creepy.

#292
He's gonna ruin the show.

#293
That creepy pedophile vibe he's got going on is gonna be a tough sell.

#294
You know, even in Europe. Let me try something.

#295
Let me take that jacket.

#296
Ooh!

#297
- Thank you. - Mm.

#298
Aw.

#299
- Hey, hey, hey! - That's funny from over here.

#300
Yeah, just give me a good push on... Hey, what are you doing?

#301
What the hell was that, man?

#302
What, that fart? I'm just trying some new stuff.

#303
No, not the fart, no.

#304
- The fart's good. - No.

#305
I'm talking about the sound effects under my uncle.

#306
- What? - Well, uh...

#307
I'm trying to make him likeable by turning him into the romantic lead.

#308
Romantic lead? They're brother and sister.

#309
- The audience doesn't know that. - You know what?

#310
I wanna see her bang somebody, but not him.

#311
Yeah. All right. What if you make him, like, a spy or something, right?

#312
And he's looking for his hard drive,

#313
because spies are always looking for hard drives.

#314
Or how about if you write in some scumbag stranger comes in off the street,

#315
and goes to town on Bonnie.

#316
I don't wanna over-write this thing.

#317
All of a sudden, you wanna turn it into a spy thriller?

#318
I don't wanna genre jump.

#319
Let's just see how the romantic lead thing plays out for a minute here.

#320
- All right. - All right.

#321
♪ Life is hard on your own

#322
♪ Life is hard on your own

#323
♪ But here's a place to call home

#324
♪ Old Lady House, where there are no laws

#325
♪ Old Lady House, they're in menopause

#326
♪ Old Lady House

#327
♪ You'll never be alone ♪

#328
Yeah? What do you guys think?

#329
Obviously, the audio is temp, but we could keep my singing voice if you like it.

#330
- I like it. - I like it.

#331
And it feels like a real show,

#332
and I love all the letters flying around on the screen.

#333
- Those are interesting. - Those are names,

#334
'cause it's a credit sequence, which is pretty good,

#335
but why isn't my mom in the credit sequence?

#336
'Cause I feel like she was popping.

#337
You're lucky your mom's in the credit sequence at all,

#338
because I'm writing her off. She's terrible.

#339
- The word thing you did was good. - It was good, right?

#340
We gotta get somebody younger, hipper and more fun in there.

#341
Preferably, somebody of color.

#342
What are you talking about? You can't kick my mom out.

#343
- She lives in the goddamn house. - I'm gonna cut around her, then.

#344
Until the ethnic comes.

#345
- Then we'll need your mom's room. - We're gonna get an ethnic.

#346
You can't get rid of my mom!

#347
I'm getting rid of her. I'm gonna cut around her.

#348
Mac, she's out, she's out.

#349
- He thinks she pops. She's terrible. - Yeah.

#350
Oh, Mrs. Kelly, Mrs. Kelly.

#351
- Hold on. Just give me one second. - One, two, three.

#352
- One, two, three. - What? What?

#353
- One, two, three. - Oh, my God, what?

#354
Hi, Frank. What are you doing here?

#355
I came to see you.

#356
Oh! Frank, is that you? Come help me out, I'm stuck.

#357
Not now, Deandra.

#358
Oh, by the way, none of the stuff you're doing is playing.

#359
Except for the fart stuff.

#360
What fart stuff?

#361
See? You should have farted after you said that.

#362
Just help me get out of this thing.

#363
- Put a fart in, Dennis. - What?

#364
Goddamn it, what's Frank doing over there?

#365
You know what, I think he's playing the scumbag

#366
who comes in off the street to bang your mom.

#367
Well, I don't want him banging my mom, dude. Shit.

#368
Oh! Uh, hi, Frank.

#369
I didn't know Bonnie was gonna be having company.

#370
I would have put my hands on. How embarrassing.

#371
Get lost. I'm gonna bang your sister.

#372
You got it.

#373
Goddamn it, dude. This is gross. I don't want this.

#374
Can we turn this into something else?

#375
You know what? Maybe we could turn this into,

#376
like, a love triangle thing between Jack, your mom and Frank?

#377
No, I don't want a love triangle...

#378
I don't want any shape of love between them. That's just gross.

#379
Ooh!

#380
I'll be in the upstairs attic, rooting around, if anyone needs me.

#381
- Yeah, I do. I need you. - Oh, I'll be up there, Dee.

#382
- Uncle Jack... - Come on, Bonnie.

#383
- This boner ain't gonna last forever. - Okay.

#384
Goddamn it, though, he's really gonna bang her?

#385
- Yeah. - Did Mac put a camera in my mom's room?

#386
No, I did.

#387
Listen, people, it does not matter how you try to ruin this thing.

#388
I will make it work, because I'm a genius.

#389
Now look at the... plant! Look at the plant.

#390
Now, look at the globe. Up. Back to the plant.

#391
Can't cut around her when she's in every shot, can you, Dennis?

#392
- Look at the teddy bear and the plant. - Great.

#393
This disgusting bitch is in every shot?

#394
I don't want to stand here no more. I got to take another dump.

#395
Oh, look, Mom, no more shitting, all right?

#396
And when you go, are you not having a full elimination?

#397
Why are you going so much?

#398
Mom? Mom, where are you?

#399
Don't try and steal focus, Charlie.

#400
- Charlie, can't breathe. - What? What?

#401
Help. Help, Charlie.

#402
Get off me, you crazy bitch!

#403
Mom, look, no more shitting! Let's go. We gotta go where the action is.

#404
Mom! Frank!

#405
Come on, stop banging!

#406
Charlie. What a pleasant surprise.

#407
- Get off me, man. Get off! - Mom stays in the picture.

#408
- Let's go, come on! - Charlie!

#409
- I only got to third! - Get out of here. Go.

#410
You can have any woman you want. It's gotta be my mom?

#411
Come on, what are you doing?

#412
Wait, wait, wait. Mom, we gotta go where the action is. Come on.

#413
God... Goddamn it! I was sliding into home, Charlie.

#414
- Get out of here, Frank. - Aw, come on.

#415
- Son of a bitch. Get lost! - Charlie!

#416
I can't breathe. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna die in this banister.

#417
- Charlie, what's going on? - Look.

#418
I'm coming clean. We've been watching you guys, right?

#419
The presents that we brought over, they're hidden cameras.

#420
The teddy bear, the globe, all that shit. I don't know how you didn't see it.

#421
And then we turned it into a show. The show was pretty good.

#422
We had chips. But this all started,

#423
'cause you sent me this in the mail. I got freaked out.

#424
Well, I sent it to you, because I missed you,

#425
I wanted to see more of you.

#426
That's all? It's not because you feel trapped in your own home,

#427
and you guys are fighting too much, or whatever?

#428
No. We get along great.

#429
Oh, but this makes me feel so much better.

#430
Now that I know that you're watching me.

#431
My mom feels the same way.

#432
And she also says that she loves me and misses me.

#433
Shoot, all right, why don't we bring it on in for a hug?

#434
This was all just one big misunderstanding.

#435
Get off me, dude. What are you doing? Get off.

#436
♪ Old Lady House

#437
♪ You'll never be alone ♪

#438
I got to say it, that's the best episode yet. That is!

#439
- It's a classic! - I love the button at the ending.

#440
- Yeah? - That was the biggest joke in the show.

#441
- The biggest moment. It was. - Was it?

#442
- I mean it. - Guys, look, I told you.

#443
- I know my physical comedy. - Yeah.

#444
- Right? - Okay, yeah.

#445
- Oh! Oh! - What are you doing?

#446
- What's wrong? - Hey.

#447
- Show's been cancelled, guys. - What?

#448
I got a four-episode sex arc.

#449
Nah, now that everybody knows they're being filmed,

#450
it's more like a reality TV show,

#451
and I just can't enjoy it when the people who are being filmed

#452
know they're being filmed.

#453
But what about our show? What about making my mom famous?

#454
It's just not funny anymore.

#455
Oh, oh! I know how to make it funny.

#456
Oh!

#457
- What? - Oh, I... I just shit my pants.

#458
- Oh, God! - Oh! Oh, God.

#459
- Oh! - Oh, God.

#460
Oh, Dee. That's not funny.

#461
I just meant to fart. I didn't...

#462
Without the laugh track, that's really horrible.

#463
Yeah, you're just a grown woman who shit her pants.

#464
Now it's funny again.

#465
♪ Life is hard on your own

#466
♪ Life is hard on your own

#467
♪ But here's a place to call home

#468
♪ Old Lady House, where there are no laws

#469
♪ Old Lady House, they're in menopause

#470
♪ Old Lady House, you'll never be alone ♪

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