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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S12E04 — Wolf Cola - A Public Relations Nightmare
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
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Season 12, Episode 4 — Wolf Cola - A Public Relations Nightmare
#1
♪ Go for it, go for it, go
#2
♪ Go for it, go for it, go
#3
♪ Go for it, go for it, go
#4
♪ Go for it, go for it, go ♪
#5
Go for it, go for it.
#6
Somebody's chipper this morning.
#7
Oh, you guys were there all this time? I didn't see you.
#8
We just didn't want to interrupt your morning routine.
#10
- Yeah. - Hey, Frank.
#11
- How's Wolf Cola doing? - Funny you should ask.
#13
They're slurping it up like candy. I'm telling you, they're addicted.
#14
If I recall, Wolf Cola used to just be a money laundering front.
#16
They can't get enough of it.
#17
It's become the official drink of Boca Raton.
#19
The group released another video today.
#20
Preliminary investigations have revealed
#22
although how and why Boko Haram has adopted it as their official soft drink
#23
is unknown at this time.
#25
Boca Raton, Frank?
#26
Or the official soft drink of Boko Haram?
#27
Whoops.
#28
How do you confuse a city in Florida with a terrorist organization in Africa?
#30
It is, if you're an elderly cokehead,
#31
trying to launder money through a dummy soda corporation.
#32
This is bigger than cola, Dee.
#33
This is gonna touch all of Frank's Fluids.
#35
Wolf Cola, some Nip boba drink, Fight Milk.
#36
- Fight Milk? - Fight Milk!
#37
Wait, that's our drink. You've been selling that?
#38
It's selling like crazy with the UFC guys.
#39
- UFC fighters are drinking Fight Milk? - What?
#40
Buying it like crazy.
#42
Remember, we designed that for bodyguards, by bodyguards.
#43
And it makes total sense, because the best bodyguards
#44
- are former UFC fighters. - Of course.
#45
And the best UFC fighters are former bodyguards.
#46
- So, bodyguards, UFC fighters... - It's a revolving door.
#48
Let's get out there. Let's mingle with these dudes.
#50
Fight Milk's back.
#51
- Fight Milk! - Yeah!
#52
Found my go bag. Dee, come over here and dye my hair blond.
#53
- Go bag? - You're gonna go blond?
#54
Yeah. This is not funny.
#55
It's very funny to me, 'cause your life's falling apart.
#56
You really screwed yourself this time. Do you mind?
#57
Go ahead. I'm screwed? You're going down, too, buddy.
#58
What?
#59
Remember when you wanted all the power, so you could get the puss?
#60
I made you executive vice president of worldwide distribution.
#61
Shit, but nobody knows that, right? I only wanted the illusion of power.
#62
The illusion. I never saw an ounce of puss.
#63
This is a good day for me. You're going down, too? This is great.
#65
- What? - Yes.
#66
Goddamn it, Frank, why would you lump me into this?
#67
It's a family business. I wanted it to be wholesome.
#68
- Okay, all right. - Oh, no.
#69
Don't panic. I got this. We just need to face this thing head-on.
#70
And we need to do it right away, okay? Because we only have...
#71
Twenty-four hours.
#72
This is why we had to wait for you to go to Bed Bath & Beyond?
#73
Yes, bitch. Now, listen. We live in the age of the 24-hour news cycle,
#75
If we don't, Internet trolls will control the narrative.
#77
Mercedes built Nazi tanks,
#78
and the Jews are still driving their cars around.
#80
and he's the highest paid athlete of all time.
#82
What about the Catholic Church?
#83
That's a good point.
#86
- And we do not, so... - No.
#87
Here we go.
#411
Wait, are you saying you're an animal rights activist?
#412
No, I'm actually the opposite.
#413
I can't imagine a bigger waste of people's time and energy.
#414
If you can eat fried chicken, then I should be able to eat fried dog.
#415
I should be able to eat a bucket of fried dog at a chicken fight.
#416
All I'm saying is, look, let's just, you know, let's be consistent.
#417
How you feeling? You've been pounding that new formula?
#418
I see you doing it.
#419
Yeah, and we're not doing so good, asshole,
#420
'cause nothing's coming out of me. My trash can's empty.
#421
We're scared to shit we ain't gonna make weight.
#422
- Guys, don't worry. - Don't worry.
#423
This is all a part of our two-step process, all right?
#424
Right now, you're crow loading.
#425
You've drank about four or five entire crows,
#426
'cause I'm grinding one up for every bottle at this point.
#427
It's that crow enzyme that's jacking you up,
#428
and that's why you look so beefy and so handsome.
#429
Then what will happen is you start drinking the Fight Milk Classic,
#430
and that will make you really sick,
#431
'cause that's just the crow eggs and some fecal matter.
#432
So, you start to puke and be fine for the weigh-in.
#433
You'll be puking on your dick in no time.
#434
That one's real nasty. Don't worry. You'll make weight at the weigh-in.
#435
All I know is, we don't make weight, I'm killing you both.
#436
- Yeah. All right. - That's fine.
#437
We're gonna be... We're good. All right, guys, go kick ass.
#438
Remember, that's the nasty one. Drink that one. That one's got a real...
#439
All right, let's bring out the first fighter, Cub Swanson.
#440
- We gotta get him on Fight Milk. - Yeah.
#441
We gotta get him drinking it.
#442
Up next, the challenger, Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone.
#443
- Cowboy! - Yeah!
#444
Yes!
#445
This is it, dude. If he makes weight,
#446
it's gonna change Fight Milk and our lives forever.
#447
I know, but if he doesn't, we're bolting.
#448
Yeah. I've already scoped out every single exit.
#449
Cowboy! Cowboy! - 155.
#450
Yes!
#451
Yeah. We did it!
#452
- We're gonna be rich! - We did it! Let's go.
#453
Cowboy, how you feeling right now?
#454
I'm feeling good. Ready to put on a show for all these guys.
#455
What the hell is going on? Who are these guys?
#456
I'd like to take the opportunity to thank Fight Milk.
#457
Yes, and thank you, Cowboy, and thank you, Megan.
#458
We'd like to take this opportunity to announce
#459
that Fight Milk is now the official drink of the UFC.
#460
- Now, if you're in-- - No, no.
#461
This is not the official drink of the UFC.
#462
And I don't know who these guys are.
#463
- Security, get these assholes out of here! - Fight Milk!
#464
Fight Milk! Fight Milk!
#465
Fight Milk! Fight Milk! Fight Milk!
#466
Fight Milk! Fight Milk!
#467
The nationwide hatred of Wolf Cola
#468
continues to intensify on an hourly basis...
#469
Holy shit. We're getting hammered worse than before.
#470
Bye-bye, Frank's Fluids.
#471
Turns out there are two things that can't be forgiven,
#472
raping children and disliking dogs.
#473
What will I do with all the merchandise?
#474
Throw it in the garbage, burn it. Who gives a shit?
#475
We're done. Fight Milk shit the bed.
#476
What happened?
#477
Breaking news from the sports world.
#478
Fighters at a UFC event in Philly
#479
tested positive for several banned substances,
#480
stemming from an energy drink called Fight Milk.
#481
We pumped it full of human growth hormone.
#482
Just nothing else was working. It was just giving people diarrhea.
#483
- Mm. - Ugh.
#484
Starting to become known as the official drink of the UFC,
#485
this Fight Milk is a serious smudge for the group,
#486
and a potential public relations nightmare.
#487
Holy shit. Holy shit.
#488
- What? - Guys, this is good.
#489
We're freed, and they are screwed.
#490
This is actually the one good thing about the 24-hour news cycle.
#491
If you give it enough time, something new will come along
#492
to replace people's old outrage with new outrage.
#493
Not much is known about Fight Milk,
#494
except that it's made right here in Philadelphia
#495
by a parent company known as Frank's Fluids.
#496
Goddamn it!
#497
- Start the clock. - Yeah.
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