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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S12E05 — Making Dennis Reynolds a Murderer
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Season 12, Episode 5 — Making Dennis Reynolds a Murderer
#1
911, what's your emergency?
#3
I'm in an alley and there's, um... I'm not really sure.
#4
Sir. Sir, what's in the alley?
#5
Dead. Definitely dead.
#7
Sir, if it's a cat, you need to call animal control.
#8
No, no, no, it's not a cat, it's not a cat, it's a woman.
#9
But also a cat. It's a cat-woman.
#10
Sir, I do not have time for pranks.
#11
No, it's not a prank.
#12
Then is it a cat or a woman, sir?
#13
Both! It's both. Whatever it is, it's neck is broken.
#14
It's dead!
#15
All right. Uh, let's get started.
#16
What do you guys wanna know?
#17
The circumstances surrounding the death
#18
of the woman born Maureen Ponderosa
#19
captivated South Philadelphia.
#20
She was discovered in an alley with a broken neck.
#22
her transition to a cat.
#23
And in her cat form, she went by the name Bastet
#25
The story quickly became fodder for local media.
#26
So much for having nine lives.
#27
This cat did not land on her feet.
#28
She landed on her neck.
#29
Authorities soon focused
#30
on the suspicious nature of her death.
#32
I've been with the Philadelphia Police Department for 24 years,
#33
12 of which were with the Homicide division.
#34
I've seen a lot of things.
#36
Okay. Who am I to judge?
#37
But, really, a cat?
#38
What's next? A watermelon?
#39
First thing we wanted to establish is
#40
to whether the deceased was acting strange.
#42
More like suicide strange.
#45
That's where they add more nipples.
#46
I guess--
#47
I don't know-- she wanted more nipples.
#48
The thought of that just makes me want to blow my lunch.
#49
Now, apparently, the ex-husband was on the hook
#51
He wasn't happy about it.
#53
Was I irritated by this?
#54
Yeah, of course I was.
#56
You know, but I-I remained supportive
#57
and, uh, kept my cool.
#59
No, no, no, no, if you want to get more nipples,
#60
please get more nipples.
#61
Get 1,000 nipples. The more nipples, the better, Maureen.
#62
And you know what? While we're at it, I'm gonna turn myself into a dog.
#63
With 1,000 teeth.
#64
Oh, does that make you nervous?
#65
I find that offensive, 'cause a dog is who I am now.
#66
Now, due to the nature of this call,
#67
we decided to bring him in for questioning.
#68
And he cooperated.
#69
Said he wanted to clear his name.
#70
All right, why don't you tell me where you were that night?
#73
and then went over to the bar for a couple of drinks.
#74
He answered every question.
#75
Even offered DNA samples.
#76
Although he did request to draw his own blood,
#77
which is kind of strange.
#78
Okay. Thank you, Mr. Reynolds. I'll be right back.
#79
Yeah, sure no problem. Oh, actually, Detective, you know what,
#81
If you're a coffee guy,
#82
there's a great place just opened up on 2nd Street
#84
Mr. Reynolds was forthright.
#86
Get me one, too, if you go over there.
#87
Thanks.
#88
It wasn't until I reviewed
#90
Something very unsettling.
#91
24 years on the job,
#92
I'd never seen anything like it.
#94
Never moved.
#95
Never blinked.
#96
Gives me goose bumps just thinking about it.
#98
but my gut told me this guy was guilty.
#99
Of something.
#103
Maureen?
#105
Dennis killed Bastet, all right?
#474
and she would knock an extra 15 bucks off a month,
#475
so of course, I'm gonna let her do it.
#476
Look, is getting groomed like a cat by your ex weird?
#477
Yep.
#478
Is it illegal?
#479
I wish.
#480
The investigation was at a crossroads.
#481
Then another massive break.
#482
Dennis has an answer for everything.
#483
Well, answer me this:
#484
Where's the collar?
#485
Cats have collars.
#486
Maureen's body
#487
didn't have a collar on it.
#488
Killers keep trophies.
#489
Alls I'm saying,
#490
find the collar, find the killer.
#491
This is not the first time the collar came up.
#492
Dee Reynolds had, oddly,
#493
made the collar an issue during filming.
#494
Hey. Stop!
#495
Stop! Stop with the squirting! Stop! Cool it!
#496
We said one spray and then my line.
#497
I... It was in my contract that we talked...
#498
I put one squirt in there for... on purpose.
#499
And this collar! I... Th-There's something wrong
#500
with the collar. It's driving me nuts.
#501
It... is an actual flea collar?
#502
You son of a bitch.
#503
I-I really think the water activated
#504
some kind of, like, chemical agent. My-my neck's burning.
#505
Was the flea collar actually burning her,
#506
as she claimed?
#507
Are you serious?
#508
Yes, asshole! It was burning my skin!
#509
You want to zoom in on this?!
#510
Hard to say.
#511
But maybe there was another reason she removed it.
#512
Whatever Deandra says is BS.
#513
She's probably just covering for him because she's afraid
#514
he's gonna snap her neck like that crow.
#515
Maybe Deandra didn't want to wear the collar
#516
in order to cover for her brother
#517
and to establish that Maureen never wore a collar at all.
#518
We then discovered something in this piece of footage
#519
that blew the doors wide open on this case.
#520
Was I a person of interest?
#521
Yeah.
#522
I am an interesting person.
#523
But at the end of the day, you know,
#524
I'm just some guy with a crazy ex-wife
#525
who fell off of a roof pretending to be a cat.
#526
That's the end of it.
#527
All my stories checked out.
#528
I was cleared. Case closed.
#529
Find the collar, find the killer.
#530
Find the collar, find the killer.
#531
...'cause a dog is who I am now!
#532
...hit the referee!
#533
Find the collar...
#534
"Very nice."
#535
Find the collar, find the killer.
#536
As of 2017, Dennis Reynolds is still at large,
#537
lurking the streets of Philadelphia.
#538
Guys, this was an open-and-shut case that was shut months ago.
#539
And Maureen never wore a collar. You guys put that there.
#540
Well, yeah, we needed a big twist at the end
#541
to show that you're guilty.
#542
But I'm-I'm not guilty.
#543
What about the security footage of Maureen's death?
#544
I mean, it shows her prancing around on the roof
#545
like an asshole, and then she just falls off.
#546
People don't want to see that,
#547
because it's hard evidence, you know what I mean? Yeah.
#548
Like, it's better to actually sit on that footage
#549
until, like, maybe episode ten, and then let people
#550
decide then if you're guilty or not.
#551
Ten episo... You're gonna do ten episodes of this?
#552
Yeah, but then even then we would keep it vague.
#553
I mean, 'cause that's entertainment, you know?
#554
Someone gets murdered, and then you make a show.
#555
But you never give any actual answers,
#556
because that's what people love. No.
#557
You drag it out. You rake it all over the victim's family.
#558
It's sort of like eating a bag of chips, you know?
#559
It's never gonna actually make you full,
#560
and at the end you're sick,
#561
but you want to go back for more.
#562
You want more chips.
#563
Murder is chips. Okay,
#564
you know what, I don't know what you guys are talking about,
#565
but I'm gonna find these tapes, and I'm gonna destroy them.
#566
Well, we have backups, so it... Oh, you know what? Yeah.
#567
That could make a good episode, where he's destroying--
#568
Let's think about that, right? He's destroying the tapes...
#569
You know what,
#570
that would be
#571
"very nice."
#572
Is that Borat?
#573
Yes! See?
#574
He gets it. He's laughing.
#575
Yeah, 'cause I know he was doing an impression. He's laughing.
#576
Okay, wait, uh, let me... let me think of another one.
#577
Let me think of another one. "I'll be back."
#578
Oh... Who is that? Who is that?
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