Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S12E06 — Hero or Hate Crime

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 12, Episode 6 — Hero or Hate Crime

#1
What's going on with you? Are you limping?

#3
- And my glutes are, like, so sore. - Yeah.

#4
Know what it is?

#5
- Yeah, big-time. - Howdy.

#6
- Hi. - It's very windy today, isn't it?

#7
Yeah.

#8
Oh, man, look at this. Dog shit.

#9
Did you just step in that on purpose?

#10
Oh, no, I just, you know, I didn't really see it.

#11
You pointed it out to me and then stepped directly in it.

#12
- Since when do you read? - What? Nothing. No.

#13
Books are stupid. I don't. I was just...

#14
I didn't time it out. Why would I do that?

#15
No idea. Why are you still standing in it?

#18
- Sometimes it's in, sometimes it's out. - Are those mirrors?

#19
- No. - You creep.

#20
Look out, faggot!

#23
Hey, Frank, what the hell was that?

#25
- But you called me the "F" word. - So what? I'm a hero.

#26
You used a slur, dude. That's like a hate crime.

#27
That's hateful speech.

#28
- You really can't. - But he saved his life.

#30
You're entitled to nothing!

#31
Listen, motion to present articles of confederation.

#32
- Motion denied. - Shut up, bitch.

#33
- You don't deserve anything. - Excuse me. Hey. Can I help you?

#34
Usually, we're a pretty reasonable crew.

#35
- Yeah, right? - Yeah.

#36
We have our differences, but we settle them in-house.

#37
We have a good process. There's filibusters, the whole thing.

#38
- No. - This one's a doozy.

#39
This one we can't do in-house.

#40
That's why I wanted to bring in a third party.

#42
- That's you, guy. - Yeah, that's you.

#43
Because a great injustice has occurred, okay?

#44
Frank committed a hate crime.

#45
I saved your life.

#49
- What? - No.

#50
- Way off. - No, no, no.

#51
- No, it's not about that at all. - Yeah, it's about this.

#52
A $2 scratcher lottery ticket.

#53
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

#54
You've hired an arbitration attorney

#55
to figure out which of you is entitled to a $2 scratcher?

#56
- Now you're getting it. - Me.

#57
- He's getting it. - Smart guy.

#58
Each one of us feels that we're entitled to that ticket.

#59
We need you to tell us who it belongs to.

#60
Why don't you scratch it, see if it's worthless,

#61
then you wouldn't have to go through all of this?

#62
- So he's not getting it. - What?

#63
- Is he serious? - Do you not want a job?

#64
Hold on. Is it Phil? Is your name Phil?

#65
- Yeah, Phil, yeah. - It is Phil?

#66
It's Phil.

#67
This ticket represents hope, okay?

#68
Potential, yeah?

#69
Promise.

#70
The very foundation upon which this group rests, eh?

#71
- Yes. - And that hope belongs to me.

#72
It belongs to me, you son of a bitch!

#74
Each of you will have an opportunity to plead your case.

#75
The only rule I have is that you each treat each other

#80
Well, I'm very happy to do so.

#81
- I do have a few questions. - Fire away.

#82
Yeah.

#83
Now, the ticket in question, uh, who purchased it?

#84
Me! Thank you. It was me. That's why this whole thing is so cut and dry.

#85
Hold on. I purchased the ticket, and therefore the ticket belongs to me.

#88
And as I was putting my book into my purse,

#89
the ticket flew out and landed on the ground.

#91
And why hadn't you scratched the ticket yet?

#93
But as long as you don't scratch it, then you're not a loser.

#94
- Hmm. - In fact, you're a winner.

#95
Potentially.

#96
- God, Dee... - That is so sad!

#97
- It's so pathetic. - What...

#98
- It is pathetic. - So sad.

#100
talking about how the ticket represented hope.

#101
Somehow coming from you, it just came off so sad.

#102
Hold on. Motion for sub-arbitration to determine whether or not that's sad.

#103
- Motion accepted. All in favor? - Aye.

#104
Motion passed. It's sad, Dee.

#105
I'd also like to point out that while Dee's version is the truth,

#106
it's not the whole truth.

#107
Why don't we talk about the contents of Dee's purse?

#108
The scratcher ticket, the candy sour worms,

#109
the pack of cigarettes.

#110
Now, what I wanna know is how can a woman

#111
who makes less than minimum wage afford such impulse buys?

#113
Is this about your weight? Because if it is, you're already too bony.

#114
No, I think you're getting pretty tubby in the midsection area.

#115
- What? - Like a bird.

#116
No, no, that's fine.

#117
Her hands are becoming a major problem for me, though.

#118
I have Parkinson's disease.

#119
What?

#120
At least I have a 46% chance of getting Parkinson's disease,

#121
according to a DNA test I took.

#122
The medical journal was because I'm trying to learn

#123
as much as I can about this.

#124
And, guys, according to that, smoking can reduce your risk of--

#125
- Oh, my God, who gives a shit? - Oh, please.

#126
This isn't about whether or not you have some horrific neurological disease,

#127
or whether or not your hands are the right size.

#128
They are, but your elbows are a mess. They're too sharp.

#129
I don't like it. They're stabbing me.

#130
- That's what it is. - You got it.

#131
That's not the point.

#132
The point is how can you actually afford to smoke?

#133
You see, Dee and I had a deal.

#134
I give her money for coffee every morning on the way to work.

#135
And she's instructed to give

#136
a very generous tip to the cashier, Cassie.

#137
"This is from my boss, Dennis."

#138
Now, this establishes both generosity and authority.

#139
Possibly a little dominance.

#140
It's all a choreographed dance between two soon-to-be lovers.

#141
Ah...

#142
Cassie's underage.

#143
No, what?

#144
What are you talking about? Cassie is not underage.

#145
Cassie is 21 years old.

#146
So, the champagne I was purchasing

#147
was to celebrate her legal drinking status.

#148
And to honor her full maturity.

#149
You see, I was waiting for Cassie to mature.

#150
You know, much like an IRA.

#151
You put the money in, then you wait.

#152
And then you make a hefty withdrawal.

#153
Okay, yeah, sure.

#154
Before full maturity, yeah, ew.

#155
But weren't you just saying

#156
that you were doing deposits before maturity?

#157
No. See, that's where you're wrong.

#158
No, I was, between the ages of 18 and 21, simply making investments.

#159
But not for early deposits?

#160
Deposits are part of the withdrawal.

#161
Sometimes I can't make a deposit at all.

#162
Ugh, come on, man. Just...

#163
Okay, just to be clear. A deposit's a load, right?

#164
- Yeah. - Exactly.

#165
That's not what I'm talking about. No, it's totally different...

#166
- Are you sure? - No, with my...

#167
Look, not in this particular case, it's not a load. It's...

#168
Yeah, it's a load.

#169
- Yeah. - But that's not the point!

#170
The point is, Dee has no rightful claim to that ticket,

#171
and I'll prove it.

#172
You see, yesterday, after noticing the contents of her purse,

#173
I decided to follow her this morning.

#174
Cassie never gets her tip, does she, Dee?

#175
No. Because I refuse to tip for coffee.

#176
- I think it's dumb. - Uh-huh.

#177
So, if you were buying circus peanuts, candy sour worms and cigarettes,

#178
I think we all know what that means about the ticket in question, don't we?

#179
I don't. Do you know?

#180
- No. - Totally lost.

#181
That means she bought it with my money!

#182
So, technically, that ticket is mine!

#183
Okay, okay, okay.

#184
Now, let me sum up the facts thus far.

#185
Miss Reynolds bought the ticket with Mr. Reynolds' money.

#186
But Mr. MacDonald currently possesses it.

#187
Correct. But I deserve it, and here's why.

#188
There we were, just walking down the street, minding our own business.

#189
I'd just spotted the perfect pile of dog shit,

#190
and naturally, I stepped in it.

#191
- What? - Whoa.

#192
Okay, I'm a little confused.

#193
Why would you voluntarily step into the dog feces?

#194
- I didn't, really... - You just said you did.

#195
- You said, naturally, you did. - We all watched you do it.

#196
All right, fine.

#197
I voluntarily stepped in the dog shit so that I would smell of dog shit.

#198
Happy?

#199
- Less happy. - Why would I be happy?

#200
I was trying to cover up the smell of the skunk that I let spray me,

#201
so that there would be no questions.

#202
- Now I have more questions. - Of course.

#203
Why did you let a skunk spray you?

#204
- To cover the smell of cologne. - Oh, man.

#205
Go to the beginning. Go to the first smell!

#206
The first smell that begat all the other smells!

#207
The first smell was cigarettes! I've been smoking with Dee!

#208
Fine, I said it.

#209
Oh, okay. So, you thought we would care about the smell of cigarettes,

#210
but not the smell of skunk or dog shit?

#211
It doesn't matter, anyway, because I deserve the ticket.

#212
Because if the shit shoe's a matcher, Charlie gets the scratcher!

#213
- What the shit? - Come on.

#214
That shirt reeks!

#215
Is that what that smell was? I thought it was just him.

#216
It does smell very bad, but give me a cigarette, I'll cover it up.

#217
But if it smells like shit, you must acquit.

#218
If everyone's gonna be smoking on my dime...

#219
Nobody is debating whether or not the shoe print is yours.

#220
We all know that it is, because everybody saw you kick me.

#221
We're debating whether or not you saved my life, which you did not,

#222
because I was just about to do a backflip to safety when you--

#223
Bullshit. He's never once flipped!

#224
- The man has never flipped. - I do flips all the time.

#225
- You've never once flipped. - In the pool?

#226
Which you would not have done had I not warned you,

#227
thereby saving your life!

#228
That is my ticket.

#229
Oh...

#230
Ridiculous. "Backflip."

#231
There I was, minding my own business,

#232
bird watching.

#233
Beautiful day, isn't it?

#234
- It's really gorgeous, and... - Are those mirrors?

#235
- No. - You creep.

#236
He wasn't really bird watching, he was looking up women's skirts.

#237
- He peeps on women. - He's disgusting.

#238
Like I said, bird watching. Not you.

#239
Now, the point is that I said, "Look out, faggot,"

#240
which were the words that saved Mac's life.

#241
Thereby, I am entitled to at least half that ticket.

#242
Why did you use the slur instead of just yelling your friend's name?

#243
There was a lot going on. I needed something that would cut through.

#244
Well, as soon as I said the slur, everybody knew to look at Mac.

#245
Look out, faggot!

#246
Mac knew to look.

#247
Dennis and Dee knew to look.

#248
Charlie, who kicked him in the chest, knew to look.

#249
Hell, even the little kid with the balloon knew where to look.

#250
Okay, it may have been effective,

#251
but it was an offensive slur.

#252
And a bigot should not be entitled to a hero's payout.

#253
You're allowed to use any language you want

#254
to save somebody's life.

#255
- Really? Any language? - Yes.

#256
You gonna let a man die over a word?

#257
Come on. It's just a word.

#258
"Just a word." Oh. Okay.

#259
Frank, tell me something.

#260
If you were going to save somebody else's life from a falling piano,

#261
and you needed a word to just cut right through...

#262
What word would you use to call out to the arbiter?

#263
Uh...

#264
I suppose...

#265
You know what? We're treading on some dangerous territory here.

#266
"Nigger"?

#267
Oh! Whoa!

#268
- What? - You can't use that word.

#269
I'm trying to guess the word that he was saying

#270
- that he thought Frank would say. - You don't say that ever.

#271
- I was not using the word. - Don't ever...

#272
You can't use that word.

#273
Yet, we've just been casually throwing the F-word around willy-nilly

#274
for the past few days, and that isn't a problem?

#275
Well, yeah, Mac, because there's a very dark history

#276
- associated with the N-word. - Yeah.

#277
Did you know that a faggot is a burning bundle of sticks

#278
on top of which they used to burn homosexuals?

#279
So, basically, when you call someone a "faggot,"

#280
you're saying they should be burned at the stake.

#281
Is that right?

#282
- That's, uh... Yes. - That's pretty dark.

#283
- That's pretty dark. - Yeah.

#284
Maybe we shouldn't be throwing around some words.

#285
- Yeah. - Yeah.

#286
- What about "cunt"? - We can't lose that!

#287
- It's a good word. - What?

#288
- And it's just not offensive. - We keep cunt.

#289
It's so funny, especially directed towards a woman when you're trying to insult her.

#290
When you're trying to make a woman feel small.

#291
That's extremely offensive!

#292
You could yell "penis" at me, and I'd be fine with it.

#293
Fine, we'll take away your favorite word.

#294
- Yeah. - Yeah.

#295
What, "cocksucker"? What's wrong with that?

#296
You can't say "cocksucker" if we can't say "cunt."

#297
I find it offensive that the idea of sucking cocks is offensive.

#298
Exactly. There's nothing offensive about sucking cock.

#299
Half the population loves to suck cock.

#300
The other half loves getting their cock sucked.

#301
It's kind of a win-win.

#302
We're getting off the point.

#303
In terms of the ticket, I'm calling bullshit on Frank,

#304
because, for some reason, he thinks that I'm gay.

#305
That's why he called me the F-word, which makes him a bigot.

#306
Oh, wait. Uh, catch me up here.

#307
Now, you're not gay?

#308
Obviously not.

#309
Okay. Interesting.

#310
So, Mr. Reynolds, um, simply, was just trying to disrespect you.

#311
He wasn't trying to make a comment about your sexual orientation?

#312
No, here's where things get just a little bit tricky,

#313
because Frank thinks Mac is gay, because...

#314
- Mac is gay. - Yeah.

#315
What? What are you talking about? Enough with this.

#316
- This is boring. - He's into the closet,

#317
he's out of the closet. We don't like you either way.

#318
Look, now, I care about my body.

#319
So, they become obsessed with me being gay.

#320
Obsessed? We're the ones who don't care.

#321
Hold on, Dee. Let me just put this to bed. Mac, we're in support of it.

#322
Just come on out of the closet,

#323
- and be done with it. - You'll feel better.

#324
- You'll feel better. - Come on out.

#325
I honestly have no idea what you're talking about.

#326
Mac, Mac...

#327
We found the bike.

#328
Yeah, so?

#329
The bike in the basement?

#330
What about it?

#331
Oh, Mac.

#332
Mac, don't make me go get the bike.

#333
I've got nothing to hide. Just go get the bike.

#334
I'ma go get the bike.

#335
I would like to present into evidence...

#336
Mac's bike.

#337
What? It's an awesome workout bike. What's the big deal?

#338
Okay.

#339
Mac, why don't you go ahead and operate the bike.

#340
Yeah. Sure.

#341
No problem. Just like any other workout bike.

#342
Well, you pedal...

#343
There you go.

#344
- It's outrageous. - There it is.

#345
I mean, it's just the craziest...

#346
All right, all right. Okay, I...

#347
I know what you're thinking, okay? But it's not what it looks like.

#348
What it looks like is that you're fucking yourself with a dildo bike.

#349
You got the bike shorts with the slits in them in the...

#350
Oh, the ones in the back? That's for air flow.

#351
- This is grotesque. - No, you're not understanding.

#352
I modded out a regular workout bike to create the optimal workout.

#353
- And added a penis. - Yeah.

#354
Oh... I see.

#355
I see where you guys are getting off the rails.

#356
- That's not a penis. - Oh.

#357
It's a fist.

#358
I call it the Ass Pounder 4000.

#359
- And it works like this. - Uh, no...

#360
Imagine you're riding up a steep hill,

#361
and you've already been working super hard,

#362
and you're sweating and you're tired.

#363
What do you do when you're tired? You want to rest.

#364
You go to sit down,

#365
it pushes you right back up in your workout.

#366
The Ass Pounder 4000 will never let you rest.

#367
- See? - We got it.

#368
That's the way it works.

#369
Now, I even have an amazing tagline.

#370
"The Ass Pounder, never stop pumping."

#371
Well, um... Think we've seen enough.

#372
I've certainly learned something.

#373
This has nothing to do with being gay.

#374
This is just the work of a man who's an extreme sexual deviant.

#375
Gay or not.

#376
Can I have one of those?

#377
- Yeah, whatever, dude. - Oh, whatever.

#378
You guys are jealous, because I've got a million-dollar idea and the ticket.

#379
You don't have the ticket yet, bitch!

#380
I bought the ticket.

#381
What are you talking about? Are you crazy?

#382
Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

#383
Now, I've heard from everybody involved, and I will make my decision.

#384
But let me make one thing clear.

#385
In order for this to be entirely just,

#386
I will make my decision based on fairness and compromise.

#387
You understand?

#388
Okay, I think I'm all caught up.

#389
- So, what's the verdict? - What do you got?

#390
I think it's actually pretty straightforward.

#391
Mr. MacDonald is in possession of the ticket, so he has ownership.

#392
However, he would not be in possession,

#393
if his life were not saved by Mr. Reynolds,

#394
who set off the chain of events, saving him.

#395
So, I see it as a 50/50 split.

#396
- Are you kidding me? - I'm a hero!

#397
- You bitch! - 50/50 split?

#398
Nothing for kicking him out of the way?

#399
- Nothing for who paid for the ticket? - I bought it!

#400
And this bigot here is gonna get a hero's payout?

#401
He may be a bigot and he did use disgusting speech,

#402
but it's not technically hate speech

#403
since Mr. MacDonald does not claim to be gay.

#404
Oh.

#405
Oh, does that mean if I claim to be gay, I get all of it?

#406
Well, um, yes.

#407
You would be entitled to keep all of it.

#408
I claim to be gay!

#409
- No, no, no! - No. Now you're gay?

#410
- There's a history behind it. - I've been gay forever.

#411
Everybody knows it. Even the balloon kid.

#412
Soon as he gets that ticket, he'll go back in the closet.

#413
- This isn't fair. - Mark my words.

#414
If he's gonna do it, he's gotta stay out, which he won't, I guarantee you.

#415
Fine. Whatever. I'm out! Totally out. I'm gonna...

#416
Excuse me, would you please do the honors on my ticket, please?

#417
- It's probably worthless. - Okay. Sure.

#418
Let's see what we have here.

#419
Okay.

#420
Wow.

#421
What?

#422
- What is it? - Well, you're a winner.

#423
What? How much?

#424
$10,000.

#425
- No! No! - Oh, my God!

#426
Gay Mac rules!

#427
- Bullshit! - Gay, gay, rich Mac!

#428
If you will just sign this,

#429
releasing the ticket and agreeing to my ruling.

#430
Don't mind if I do.

#431
I wonder what I'm gonna do with all this money.

#432
Maybe start an LLC.

#433
Ass Pounder 4000.

#434
It's all going right into the product.

#435
Sign the paper, so you can go back in the closet.

#436
- Yeah. - Go ahead.

#437
- You go back in. - Go ahead.

#438
You signed it, got your money. Go back in the closet. Get it over with.

#439
We know you'll do it, so you might as well just do it.

#440
Yeah. Yeah.

#441
I don't know. Maybe I'll stay out.

#442
- Really? - Yeah.

#443
It doesn't matter. You can go back in. You signed the paper.

#444
You got your money.

#445
No, I think I'm out now.

#446
Yeah. I'm... I'm gay.

#447
Actually feels pretty good.

#448
See ya, guys.

#449
- Wow. - Finally.

#450
- Good for him, right? - Yeah.

#451
- Absolutely. - Guess I'm happy for him.

#452
It's a relief, honestly.

#453
All right, if you'll just take care of this,

#454
then we'll be all done.

#455
- What's this? - That would be a bill.

#456
- Ooh. - Oh, money stuff.

#457
That goes to Frank.

#458
I know it's steep, but you did go through three arbiters,

#459
and you've been here 17 hours.

#460
- Seriously? - I'm exhausted.

#461
What's it add up to there, Frank?

#462
$9,986.

#463
- Yikes. - Holy cow.

#464
You guys aren't cheap.

#465
The arbitration was Mac's idea.

#466
- Let's let him pay for it. - Great idea.

#467
- That's fair. - In fairness' sake.

#468
- He's got the money for it. - He's got the money now.

#469
But maybe let's make him pay it tomorrow.

#470
- Let's let him have this. - Yeah.

#471
Poor guy did just come out over a $14 scratcher.

#472
- That's all that's left? - Yeah.

#473
- Oh, no. - That sucks.

#474
Oh, no.

#475
You know, I'm happy for him, but I do still hate him.

#476
Oh, yeah.

#477
- It's not a gay or straight thing, is it? - No. It's a Mac thing.

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