Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S12E07 — PTSDee

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 12, Episode 7 — PTSDee

#1
Come on, this way.

#4
It sounds like it got quiet out there.

#5
Yeah.

#6
Shit! Frank! There's somebody here.

#7
Is anybody here?

#8
Speak up, we will shoot.

#9
Wait, hold your fire, Frank! It's just a kid.

#10
Hey, boy. Is that water for us?

#11
Jesus Christ, Frank, you just killed a kid!

#12
Eh.

#13
Jesus Christ!

#15
I'm gonna give him CPR.

#16
Now, is he blowing someone? What is happening?

#17
- Yeah, looks like it. - Jesus Christ,

#18
Frank, he was just trying to give us water, man!

#19
Forget it, he's dead.

#20
You can't go around killing kids!

#21
Think about his mom and his dad.

#22
- How long they been playing this for? - Oh, dude.

#23
- Three straight days. - They've been playing this

#24
- for three days? - Yeah, absolutely.

#26
No. No, they've just been wandering around the bar,

#27
blowing kids, doing whatever they're doing, you know?

#28
- Frank, behind you! - Is this where we're headed?

#29
As a world? Know what I mean. As a society?

#30
Hey, uh, have any of you seen my guy yet?

#31
- What is this, now? - What? Who?

#32
- What do you want to tell us? Tell us. - Oh, I just

#33
totally hooked up with this super hot

#35
- Oh, you're dating a stripper. - Mmm-hmm.

#36
- Wow, gross. - Gross? If you guys started

#37
dating a stripper, you'd be bragging about it for days.

#40
Uh, she's talking about Channing Tatum.

#41
- He's an actor. - What do I know him in?

#42
- Well, he plays G.I. Joe. - Oh!

#43
- Oh, G.I. Joe's the shit. - Yeah, yeah.

#44
Well, then say G.I. Joe, don't make up a name.

#45
All right, you know what, whatever. It doesn't matter.

#46
Anyway, we had this really amazing connection

#48
- Makes me want to throw up. - Yeah.

#50
is happening right now? I think the guy's

#51
coming by because you stole his watch.

#52
Oh, right, you jacked his wallet or something,

#53
so he'd come over and you...

#54
- Yeah. - To get him to talk to you again.

#55
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#56
- Hello. Hey. - Hey, Mike.

#57
Thanks for calling me.

#58
- Yeah. Thanks for coming by. - So you have my watch?

#59
- Oh... - Yeah. Just diving straight into that?

#60
Listen, um, I'm really glad you called, though.

#62
Thank you for last night.

#63
Yeah. It's like we were having sex and the whole time...

#64
- Yeah. - I was like, "What's become of me?"

#65
You know, all I do is I strip all night,

#66
I play video games all day, I have meaningless sex with strangers.

#67
My own daughter won't even talk to me, you know? So I was like... "Damn."

#69
Oh.

#70
That's why I was crying.

#71
Oh. Right, yeah.

#72
- Yeah. - But don't take it personally.

#73
No. Because it... Why would it be?

#74
- All right, cool. - It's...

#75
- Yeah, cool. - Cool, 'cause it really

#76
helped me realize I got to give that lifestyle up.

#77
- Oh... - So thank you.

#78
You're welcome.

#81
Dee?

#82
- Yeah. - Cool.

#83
Now, can I get that watch, or...

#84
- Dee, I think he just wants his watch. - I think he needs his...

#85
- Yeah, I understand. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

#86
Rock bottom? Me? Uh, hey, buddy, how about when

#87
your daughter stopped talking to you,

#89
I'm not rock bottom.

#90
You know what I am? I'm a rock.

#91
Dee is a rock. In fact, I'm the type of gal

#92
who makes men's lives better.

#93
Hey-o! You guys mind if I shower in that leaky urinal again?

#94
Well, that... Don't count that. That's not a good example.

#95
No, I got to do something about this, God damn it.

#97
tell you something right now.

#98
Sweet Dee is a rock.

#99
God damn it, Frank, you shot a woman.

#100
Who cares? Jesus Christ, man,

#102
I got to take a break.

#103
It's driving me insane.

#104
Come on, how are we gonna win if you keep quitting?

#105
I don't care!

#107
- Yeah. Yeah. - This is pathetic.

#108
Dee can't handle a little rejection.

#109
Mac's banged up over

#111
- Yeah. - It's...

#113
because he gets to take his clothes off

#114
in front of a bunch of horny ladies.

#115
And then he has sex with one disgusting bird.

#116
- Yeah. - Come on, man,

#117
- that's not trauma. Not real trauma. - Nah. It's not even that bad.

#118
I mean, if anything, that's insulting to people

#119
- who have experienced real trauma. - I think it is. Yeah.

#120
I mean, like you, for instance.

#121
Uh, me?

#122
Well, yeah. Sure, man. I mean, you grew up fatherless.

#123
You were raised by a woman who was basically a prostitute.

#124
Well, the father stuff was real. Yeah, without a doubt.

#125
Got some daddy issues there. And you, too. I mean,

#126
like, you know, what happened with you

#127
with Ms. Klinsky, the librarian. I mean, you were raped.

#128
And that's got to affect you.

#129
- That's trauma. - Will you stop? Why do you guys...

#130
That wasn't a rape, okay?

#131
- It was. - That was a mutual... No, stop.

#132
She's an older woman, you were a younger...

#133
A woman can't rape a guy.

#134
An older woman can rape a younger...

#135
- Doesn't matter. That's not the point. - Right, right. This is separate, yeah.

#136
it's not the point. The point is, yeah, fine, I'll do it.

#137
You'll do what?

#138
I'll strip. Yeah.

#139
Huh. I didn't realize you were talking about that.

#140
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Huh.

#141
You know, if this Mike fella wants to walk away

#142
from an amazing stripping career, hey, I'll take up that mantle.

#143
You know, frankly, I'm a little disappointed

#144
in myself for not thinking of it before.

#145
- You know? It just makes sense. - Right, yeah.

#146
Here's the thing, man. I can't do it without you.

#147
I need you to get my back.

#148
Oh, uh, you want me to strip with you?

#149
Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no. I... No, I just literally

#150
need you to have a look at my back, you know,

#151
make sure there's no moles or, like, unsightly hairs,

#152
- bumps, zits, that kind of thing. - Ah, yeah...

#153
- And then, you know, get after it. - Yeah, I'll clean you up.

#154
All right, all right, I can do that.

#155
Cool, man. You be my boy?

#156
Yeah, I'll be the boy.

#157
Well, just be my bag boy.

#158
You know, carry around my lotions, my oils, my scents, my razors.

#159
Cool, man. Chill.

#160
- Yeah, that's cool, right? - Yeah, that's cool, bro. Cool.

#161
Frank, where are you, man? I can't see.

#162
Jesus Christ.

#163
Oh, who's there? Oh...

#164
Hey, boy.

#165
How you doing, man?

#166
No! Baba!

#167
- Mama! - Oh, shit!

#168
Oh, no, man! I'm so sorry, man.

#169
Hey, son.

#170
Dad? What are you doing here? How did you get in the game?

#171
Guess we

#172
won't be having that catch

#173
after all.

#174
You were gonna have a catch with me?

#175
I was, but

#176
you killed me, son.

#177
I love...

#178
Wait! Wait, Dad! Who do you love? Dad, who do you love? Wait.

#179
Dad, who do you love? No, Dad! No!

#180
What the hell?

#181
Oh, was that a dream?

#182
Dennis?

#183
Oh, my God, I just had the weirdest dream.

#184
- What? - Frank.

#185
Look, I can't sleep. I'm having nightmares.

#186
- Dead kids, dads. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Mac.

#187
Slow down. What are you saying?

#188
I got to quit the game, dude. I can't

#189
- do this anymore. - No, no, no.

#190
Don't quit just yet.

#191
- Look, have a drink and calm down. - Okay, fine.

#192
I'll calm down. I'll drink some whiskey or something.

#193
Yeah, stuff it down with brown.

#194
That's the best way to deal with things.

#195
Okay.

#196
Kid's a mess.

#197
God damn it, Charlie, we're 30 minutes late.

#198
I'm so sorry I cut your back so many times, man.

#199
- What happened? - I was nervous, dude.

#200
- Why? - I've never cut such a muscular back.

#201
- Thanks, man. - Yeah. Dude, your back looks great, man.

#202
I'm working hard.

#203
Dude, you're putting the work in, and it's showing, man.

#204
Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.

#205
- But let's not talk about it in there. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#206
Don't bring it up.

#207
Can you walk me through what your guy is again?

#208
Okay, so here's the deal.

#209
Who do girls want to have sex with more than anybody else?

#210
- Jugglers. - Jug...

#211
- Dudes who can, like, juggle things. - I know what a juggler is.

#212
You know, with the fire sticks and the balls.

#213
Yeah. No, they don't want to have sex with a juggler.

#214
They want to have sex with their dads.

#215
- Weird. - Yeah, it is weird, so I'm a dad.

#216
Oh. Okay, cool. Oh, and I'm your boy.

#217
- All right, that works. - Well, no. What? Why would you be my boy?

#218
Oh, you said I was gonna be your boy 'cause I have daddy trauma,

#219
and then I didn't realize I was gonna be your boy

#220
in there, but that works great.

#221
No, that doesn't make any sense.

#222
How would you be my...

#223
I'm their dad. How could I also be your dad?

#224
We can't all be related. Christ, Charlie,

#225
- you're not making any sense, man. - Right, right.

#226
Yeah, I mean, you could have a lot of kids, I guess.

#227
I got to say, though, I'm looking inside there,

#228
and this isn't making sense to me.

#229
I mean, these are all older women. Might be

#230
a little bit hard for me to pull off the dad thing at all.

#231
- That's not a good play. - I'm getting a bad feeling about this.

#232
Hey, do you think maybe that's 'cause

#233
- of your librarian trauma? - You're talking about Ms. Klinsky?

#234
- Yeah, she was an older woman, and... - What? No. There was...

#235
Let's not talk... Can we stop talking about trauma

#236
- and cuts on peoples' backs? - Yes.

#237
And let's... It's not sexy, okay?

#238
- Okay, yeah, well, then let's split. - Okay.

#239
- All right, let's go. - All right, man.

#240
Are you the stripper?

#241
- Oh, uh, yeah, that's him. - Uh...

#242
- What, are you 40? - Yup.

#243
Fine. You guys'll do, I guess.

#244
You guys? No. Sorry. I'm just the boy.

#245
- The what? - Sorry. I'm his boy.

#246
Well, you're not my boy. He's not...

#247
Are you gonna stand out here and talk like little bitches,

#248
or are you gonna come inside and take your dicks out for money?

#249
Daddy?

#250
Don't call me Daddy.

#251
Yeah, my generation, we drank our problems away.

#252
But since you softies like to talk about everything,

#253
I figured this was a good thing to do.

#254
A PTSD support group, Frank?

#255
Yeah. Maybe you'll get some help,

#256
- we can finish the damn game. - What's up, dicks?

#257
What the hell are you doing here?

#258
Well, because I am a rock and not a rock bottom, I decided

#259
to reach out to Mike and see if I could get him some help

#260
with, uh, some of these issues he's been having.

#261
I'm confused. Is this a PTSD meeting for vets?

#262
Mmm-hmm, yeah. You're a military guy, right?

#263
No. It was just my stripper character.

#264
Really? Oh, I just figured you based

#265
- your characters off past experiences. - Why?

#266
Okay, look, I'm not gonna pass myself off as a vet, Frank.

#267
- Yeah, I don't feel good about this. - Well, then just don't talk.

#268
You don't have to talk. Just sit down.

#269
Okay, everybody, let's grab a chair, let's get this started.

#270
- Probably not gonna call on you anyway. - Okay, right off the bat,

#271
I can see we got some newcomers

#272
here today. You guys want to introduce yourselves?

#273
Ugh. God damn it.

#274
Uh, I'm Frank.

#275
I've been around the block, seen some action.

#276
I was in 'Nam for a while.

#277
Private sector mostly.

#278
I did shoot a couple of dinks

#279
who tried to jack some sneakers off the factory floor.

#280
No big deal. I don't feel nothing about it.

#281
I'm just here to support my buddy.

#282
Uh...

#283
Hello. I'm Dee. I'm a rock. I'm here with this guy.

#284
There was a bit of a mix-up about his military credentials,

#285
but, uh... Whatever.

#286
Now he's under the delusion that he's hit rock bottom,

#287
you know, and I just don't see how that's possibly true,

#288
so we're gonna straighten that up while we're

#289
sitting here today, you know.

#290
Mac's being a pussy!

#291
He doesn't want to fight anymore!

#292
I'm not being a pussy.

#293
I just don't want to kill women and children.

#294
How do I get him to stop thinking of them as real people?

#295
Mike's embarrassed about his dancing, and I just... I don't get that.

#296
I don't... How is that rock bottom behavior?

#297
You know? Think of Channing Tatum.

#298
Can you please explain Channing Tatum to him?

#299
- I'm not sure I follow... - Oh, yeah. He's G.I. Joe.

#300
Mac can't sleep at night.

#301
He's having erotic nightmares and shit.

#302
- He doesn't know what's real anymore. - Yeah.

#303
Mike's embarrassed about his video game-playing, which makes

#304
no sense to me, 'cause you know what? Video games are hard.

#305
- You ever play Fallujah? - Beat it five times.

#306
- You want to play with me? - I'm actually trying to get away from it.

#307
Well, what if he paid you?

#308
- Ten bucks an hour. - 20.

#309
- Deal. - Wow. Really?

#310
Well, will you look at that? Now we're getting somewhere, huh?

#311
That couldn't have happened without your rock, could it?

#312
Wait a second, Frank. What about me?

#313
You're out. Dishonorable discharge.

#314
I'm sorry. What is happening here?

#315
- Doesn't matter. We're done with you. - Yeah, we're good.

#316
- Hey, son. - Dad?

#317
What are you doing here?

#318
I broke out of jail and came straight to see you.

#319
- Because you love me? - 'Cause I'm gonna kill you, son.

#320
What? Oh. Oh, no!

#321
What... What's happening?

#322
When did I get here? How long have I been asleep?

#323
You got here, like, five minutes ago. You've been asleep for 35 seconds.

#324
Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm losing my mind.

#325
- I mean, I'm actually going insane. - You know,

#326
we're all having a little bit of a hard time right now.

#327
But we got to fight fire with fire,

#328
and Charlie and I refuse to be defeated by this.

#329
We're gonna win this war.

#330
- What war? - The war on women!

#331
Women, man!

#332
There's a war on women? Can I get in on that?

#333
Bro, it's been raging

#334
since the beginning of time, bro.

#335
- Oh. - And we're losing ground.

#336
Phone!

#337
Hello.

#338
Ah, yeah.

#339
Uh, yeah, is youse Daddy and the Boy?

#340
Uh, yes, it is. Boy speaking.

#341
Oh.

#342
Yeah. Uh, I hear youse are rule good.

#343
Well, yeah, that is true.

#344
Well, I've got a party for you.

#345
- Um, Daddy wants to speak with you. - Yeah.

#346
Yeah, this is Daddy. What's the gig?

#347
Uh, yeah, a giant party. Tons of sorority girls.

#348
Sorority girls. Oh, sorority girls. Nice.

#349
Did you just lick your hand? Yeah, that...

#350
That sounds good. Um, listen, a few new ground rules, though.

#351
I'm a bad dad now. And, uh,

#352
the Boy's also gonna be dancing with me.

#353
Okay. Uh, whatever. Uh, uh...

#354
Yeah, we need Mike. We need him.

#355
- Mike? Why do you want Mike, Dee? - What? You knew it was me?

#356
Of course I knew it was you. Who else does accents so poorly?

#357
- The accents were terrible. - All right, look, I just...

#358
I want him to have fun, make a ton of money,

#359
party with a bunch of sorority girls, you know?

#360
I need to show him that this is a great life.

#361
This is not a rock-bottom life.

#362
We'll do it at Paddy's. It'll be a win-win.

#363
Make a ton of mon...

#364
Yes. Okay.

#365
What? Hello?

#366
God damn it.

#367
This is good. This is good.

#368
Young girl sorority girls. It's, like, age-appropriate for me,

#369
you know? Not like those perverted librarians.

#370
- Cougars. Whatever, man. - Yeah.

#371
And it's gonna be on our home turf. Like, Paddy's.

#372
- Whoa. And with Mike, we'll be like a... - Oh.

#373
We'll be like an elite stripping dance force, like a unit, man.

#374
- Dude, we're gonna look good, man. - Yeah, man.

#375
- We're gonna win this war. - Oh, hell yeah.

#376
- We're gonna win this war on women. - Oh, yeah.

#377
You know what, Mac, maybe we could use you after all.

#378
- He's asleep. - Yeah, he's out.

#379
It's amazing! I can't believe they have zombies

#380
on the final level!

#381
I love zombies. Ghouls, too. I love ghouls.

#382
Right now, if we can just make it to that second box

#383
over there, we can grab the all spark coin

#384
and we can win the game.

#385
Can win the game.

#386
Can win the game.

#387
Frank? Where are you, man? I can't see.

#388
Shit! Frank!

#389
Frank. Frank.

#390
Frank! Frank!

#391
Oh. What happened?

#392
Where am I?

#393
Oh, you're in the back office. You passed out

#394
playing the game, dude. We dragged you back here so you could sleep.

#395
Oh, Mac. I think I was too hard on you.

#396
I think I got PTSD, too.

#397
- Oh, no. We don't have that. - Huh?

#398
Yeah, I actually slept about ten hours last night, dude,

#399
and I feel great.

#400
I think we were just suffering from sleep deprivation.

#401
Well, where's Mike? I want to finish the game.

#402
Oh, we finished the game. Yeah, like, right after

#403
you passed out, Mike and I just got in there.

#404
- Dude, it was awesome. - Do you want to do it again?

#405
No, I don't want to play anymore.

#406
Well, where's Mike? I'll do it with him.

#407
He's out, too. Yeah, he's doing

#408
some weird stripping thing with Dennis and Charlie.

#409
I only woke you up 'cause I figured you'd want to see it.

#410
- Yeah? - Yeah.

#411
I really appreciate you getting me this gig. I mean, truthfully,

#412
I don't think I was ready to give this lifestyle up.

#413
Of course not. Why would you? You're really good

#414
at dancing. That's nothing to be ashamed of.

#415
Listen, you like video games? I got you paid for it.

#416
You're a great stripper? I got you this gig.

#417
- You know what I'm gonna do for you next? - What?

#418
I'm gonna reunite you with your daughter.

#419
- Oh, man. - Yep.

#420
Look, I really appreciate everything you've done.

#421
It really, really means a lot to me.

#422
Eh, well, you just needed your rock.

#423
- Fire it up. All right. No, feels good. - Smell good? Everything poppin'?

#424
- What do you think? Like how it smells? - It looks good.

#425
- You can't see the blood. It's patched up. - Okay, good.

#426
- What do you think about my prop, hmm? - That's really cool.

#427
- A little kid licking that up there. - What-what am I smelling?

#428
- Cheese. Yeah, yeah. - Is that made of cheese?

#429
- I painted the rest with magic marker. - Oh, Christ.

#430
Why did you make a cheese lollipop? It stinks.

#431
- For my nerves. Yeah. - That smells horrible.

#432
Oh, God. There's nothing sexy about cheese. Put it away.

#433
Ladies,

#434
are we ready to party tonight?

#435
So am I.

#436
All right.

#437
We're gonna see some skin tonight. Yeah.

#438
Scars and all. This, actually, is a real scar, too.

#439
And I got a good story behind that.

#440
This is, uh... They took out the kidney, actually,

#441
from the front... A Chinaman. And he did not know

#442
how to do it, I'll tell you that much.

#443
Cricket was a bad idea, huh?

#444
Yeah, I know. But we needed that, like, you know,

#445
- McConaughey emcee-type. - Yeah. But looks like we got

#446
AIDS Dallas Buyers Club McConaughey,

#447
- not Magic Mike McConaughey. - That is what he looks like.

#448
It's a good crowd, though. It's a good crowd. All right, well...

#449
That was the first time that I really thought,

#450
"Hey, I might actually, uh...

#451
"I might die, and no one's gonna remember."

#452
All right! Hey!

#453
Let's, uh, keep it movin'.

#454
Keepin' it real, keepin' it sexy, and takin' back the power,

#455
let's give it up for Daddy and the Boy!

#456
Hey, Boy, let's have a catch.

#457
My child arrived

#458
Over here, Pop.

#459
Hey. Good throw, son.

#460
I love you, Dad!

#461
- I love you, too, son. - Oh?

#462
And even though I never even said it enough.

#463
- What is this? - I wasn't a good... Shh!

#464
I wasn't a good father to you, and I regret that now.

#465
No, that's fine, because now is our chance to connect.

#466
This is super weird.

#467
Hey! Shush, all right?

#468
This is our thing. We have the power. You don't talk.

#469
All right, you know what, Dad, don't listen to them,

#470
'cause we're gonna win this war.

#471
- This is not sexy! - Just take something off!

#472
You know, you take something off!

#473
All right, look, it's too hot for baseball.

#474
I'll take my clothes off now. I think.

#475
- Okay! - Yeah, now we'll take our clothes off.

#476
Yeah!

#477
Wait, wait, son, don't. Don't. They're laughing.

#478
Don't take your clothes off if they're laughing. We have the power.

#479
- It's not a joke! - It's not a joke, all right? This is sexy.

#480
Oh, stop, sto... Oh, you know what?

#481
You might want to check your programs 'cause I'm bad dad now.

#482
I'll take you to your goddamn room.

#483
- I'll bend you over my knee. - Take your dicks out!

#484
All right, listen to me. This is it, this is what you were made for.

#485
Now you get out there and save the day, soldier.

#486
This is about a father and a son

#487
- whose relation... - Oh, come on!

#488
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...

#489
Soldier Boy Mike.

#490
Everybody got 'em Everybody got 'em

#491
Everybody got 'em Everybody, everybody

#492
Everybody got 'em Everybody got 'em

#493
Everybody got 'em Everybody, everybody

#494
Everybody got 'em Everybody got 'em

#495
Everybody got 'em Everybody, everybody

#496
Everybody got 'em Everybody got 'em

#497
Everybody, every...

#498
- Dad? - Oh! Janie?

#499
- Oh! - Your cock was in my face!

#500
Oh, God, I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to!

#501
You're disgusting! My finger touched your asshole!

#502
Never talk to me again!

#503
I got you!

#504
I got you. I'm your rock bottom?

#505
I'm your rock... That's your rock bottom,

#506
sticking your dick in your daughter's face, you son of a bitch.

#507
- Why would you do that? - Get out of here!

#508
That's my daughter!

#509
Oh.

#510
Yes!

#511
- Wow. - Jesus Christ.

#512
Wow, Dee, that was dark. That's like the darkest thing

#513
you've ever done. You know what that was?

#514
- That was your rock bottom. - Yeah.

#515
- Yeah. - Whatever.

#516
Feel good. I don't want to talk about it.

#517
I don't want to talk about my thing. You want to talk about your thing?

#518
No, no, let's not. You know what we should do? Let's just, uh...

#519
let's just get drunk. Let's not talk about trauma.

#520
Or deal with any of that shit.

#521
Let's just have a good time and get drunk, huh?

#522
Stuff it down with some brown.

#523
And the cat's in the cradle

#524
And the silver spoon

#525
Little boy blue and the man in the moon

#526
"When you coming home, Dad?" "I don't know when

#527
"But we'll get together then

#528
"You know we'll have a good time then"

#529
My son turned ten just the other day

#530
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on, let's play

#531
"Can you teach me to throw?" I said, "Not today..."

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