Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S12E09 — A Cricket's Tale

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 12, Episode 9 — A Cricket's Tale

#2
Come back here!

#3
Come back here!

#4
What the hell?

#5
Shit.

#6
You're nothing but a street rat!

#7
I may be a street rat, but I still got your bread, bitch.

#8
Excuse me, excuse me, are you, um...

#9
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm the suck boy you're looking for.

#10
You want my time, you got to pay to spray.

#11
That's my motto. That and you cannot finish inside me.

#13
Dad?

#15
You want me to come work for you?

#17
I'm not getting any younger.

#18
It's time for me to pass the torch.

#20
- You're dying. - What?

#21
I-I figured. You look like hell.

#22
Hey, has anyone claimed your organs?

#23
I'm not dying, you idiot.

#24
I'm retiring.

#25
Oh. My bad.

#27
It's a seller's market right now.

#28
Look what you've become.

#31
smoking PCP or whatever it is you smoke.

#32
Oh, come on.

#33
Do I look like a dusthead to you?

#34
You certainly don't look like my son.

#35
Matthew Mara. You remember him?

#36
Come on.

#38
I'll think about it.

#41
I'm just gonna clean myself up.

#42
Have a little faith.

#43
My friends have a very nice setup

#45
In fact, I'm the type of gal who makes men's lives better.

#46
Hey-o! You guys mind if I shower

#48
Well, that... don't count that.

#49
That's not a good example.

#50
Ah!

#51
Eh. While I'm here, I might as well...

#52
Do a little P to the C to the P.

#53
Take me to the angels, baby.

#54
It's time to come home, son.

#55
Maybe it's time to make a change.

#56
All right, uh, this is the loading dock

#57
where we, uh, ship our supplies from.

#59
this is you.

#60
- Whoa! - What are you doing?

#61
This is nice.

#62
I'm gonna sleep well tonight.

#65
You're gonna sleep at home in a bed.

#66
- Oh. Eh, too exposed. - Yeah.

#67
No. I-I'll sleep in, uh, maybe the crawlspace

#68
- or a cupboard. - This is bullshit.

#69
Hey, hey, hey, Davy, Davy.

#70
- Calm down, Davy. - He's a homeless junkie, Dad.

#71
I don't even understand why we're doing this.

#73
- When did I ever burn Dad? - You stole his identity.

#75
I didn't wet the bed till I was in high school.

#76
Shut your mouth about that.

#78
- Try it. - Hey, hey, hey, hey!

#79
Come on! Take it back!

#80
You want another noogie?

#81
All right, all right, boys.

#82
Boys! Stop it!

#85
Now look here, guys.

#86
We have an important meeting coming up.

#88
And I'm gonna tell them that my boys

#90
Both of them.

#93
- Yes, sir. - Yes. Yes.

#94
All right.

#95
I got my eye on you, loser.

#96
And you stink like piss, by the way.

#97
It's freakin' bullcrap.

#98
What a jerk.

#99
Huh?

#100
Oh. Yeah.

#101
He's always been a hard-on.

#102
He's the one who stinks, by the way.

#103
His shoes smell like rotten eggs.

#108
Sorry. I didn't get your name.

#109
Oh. I'm Belle.

#110
Thus the necklace my mother gave me

#111
that I'm currently guilt-wearing.

#112
Belle.

#113
That's a nice name.

#114
I'm Cricket, uh, Matthew.

#115
It's nice to meet you, Matthew.

#116
Hey, date!

#117
Um, I'm sorry. What?

#118
Shit. Sorry. Um,

#119
haven't done this in a long time. Uh...

#120
would you like to go on a date with me some time?

#121
Yeah. Yeah, I... I'd like that.

#122
- Yeah? - Mmm-hmm.

#123
Okay.

#124
Okay. Bye.

#125
Okay.

#126
Hey, boss?

#127
- You go by Cricket? - I do.

#128
Phone's for you. Line two.

#129
Oh, really?

#130
- Mmm. Hello. - Cricket!

#131
Oh. Cricket.

#132
Damn it! How the hell did you guys find me?

#133
A magician never reveals his tricks, Cricks.

#134
Yeah. We did put that pet-tracking device in him.

#135
Well, wait. Don't tell him that.

#136
Wait. You did what? Wait. Did you put a chip in...

#137
Did you put a chip in me?

#138
Nothing, Cricket. Hey, listen, um, we got a job for you, buddy.

#139
Oh, do you? Well, uh, I'm not doing it.

#140
- Well, you don't even know what it is. - Hey! Yeah. Come on, man.

#141
- You don't know what the job is, Cricket. - You don't know the job.

#142
Doesn't matter. I know it probably involves hurting me,

#143
degrading me or generally treating me like shit.

#144
- You're not totally wrong. - Yeah. Yeah.

#145
Cricket, uh, we'll give you five bucks, huh?

#146
Yeah, five dollars, Cricket.

#147
The answer is no.

#148
All right. Fine. Three dollars.

#149
Well, you don't go down in negotiation.

#150
- You go up. - With Cricket, you do.

#151
Well, now it's $2.50, Crick, so you want the job or not?

#152
You know, ticktock.

#153
Uh, look, guys, um,

#154
I got a new life, so I don't need anything from you.

#155
Well, Cricket, everybody needs a little extra cash.

#156
Yeah. It's money, Cricket!

#157
Well, uh, actually, that is true,

#158
because I... I do have a date.

#159
Ah. Well, don't make up a story.

#160
I mean, yeah, we don't care what you're doing with the money.

#161
Hey, dipshit!

#162
We're not paying you to talk on the phone.

#163
Speaking of, I need some cash. When do we get paid?

#164
Paychecks come at the end of the month. Who you talking to, huh?

#165
Your drug dealer?

#166
Your skeezy little arrogant douche bag friends

#167
down at the bar?

#168
- Those guys are my friends! - Whatever!

#169
I am so onto you.

#170
And I bet you're gonna be high by the end of the night.

#171
Ooh!

#172
Freakin' bullcrap!

#173
He's getting yelled at.

#174
Well, don't piss off your trick there, Cricket.

#175
- He might cut you up. - Yeah, just

#176
finish the guy off, and then come do the job for us.

#177
All right, what's it gonna be?

#178
We need a decision, Cricket.

#179
Mmm...

#180
Are we ready to party tonight?

#181
So am I!

#182
Got 'em, everybody got 'em.

#183
- Dad? - Oh! Janie? Oh!

#184
Let's just have a good time and get drunk, huh?

#185
Stuff it down with some brown.

#186
Stuff it down with brown.

#187
- Can always stuff it down. - Hey, good job, fellas.

#188
I loved how you ruined that dad.

#189
Ah. I got to say, it's kind of fun

#190
being on the other end of it sometimes, huh?

#191
Okay, time to pay the piper. Who's got the money?

#192
- Yes. - Oh, uh, Frank.

#193
Lemons.

#194
What? No. N-No, okay? No, you're not paying me in lemons again.

#195
Okay? Hey, we had an agreement.

#196
You want to get paid in PCP, Cricket? 'Cause you're just

#197
- gonna spend it on drugs anyway, right? - Oh, yeah, skip the middleman.

#198
Uh, yeah. You want some dust?

#199
No. Okay, normally, okay?

#200
But now I'm off drugs, and I actually have a date,

#201
so I need the money, I really need the money.

#202
Look, Cricket, I'm sure whatever street mongrel you're dating,

#203
she's into lemons, too, so you're good.

#204
God damn it. God damn you, you are the worst person ever.

#205
And by the way, my name is not Cricket, okay?

#206
My name is Matthew Mara.

#207
I'm a person. A person, by the way, who has a job now.

#208
Yeah. I am going to be running a company soon.

#209
- Crick, I love you, but this is so boring. - You're losing me.

#210
God damn it! All right, you know what? Screw you guys.

#211
Hey, Cricket? Cricket? Cricket! Come on.

#212
Cricket, Cricket, calm down, man. Hey, look.

#213
What?

#214
- You want the lemons or not? - Unbelievable.

#215
Yes, I'm gonna take the lemons. God damn it.

#216
- You guys are the worst. - He wants the lemons.

#217
- He needs the lemons. - The guy loves lemons.

#218
He needs the lemons for the scurvy.

#219
Yeah, yeah. He'll be back.

#220
After everything I've done, you know?

#221
After everything they've done to me.

#222
Belle?

#223
What are you doing here?

#224
Promise I'm not stalking you.

#225
I'm just out for a walk.

#226
My dad'll be so worried about me,

#227
but I just had to get out of the house.

#228
Ah.

#229
Ever since my mom died, I'm kind of all he's got,

#230
so he's become a little overbearing.

#231
Yeah, I get that. I got an overbearing dad, too.

#232
- Yeah. - My life's the worst.

#233
Um. Ah.

#234
You're so funny.

#235
Okay.

#236
And cute.

#237
Oh, son of a bitch. Did someone put you up to this?

#238
No. Why?

#239
Look, I am not funny, and I'm sure as shit not cute.

#240
Nobody put me up to this, okay?

#241
I like you. I do, and

#242
I feel like we have more in common than you think.

#243
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

#244
Go behind some Dumpster and bang?

#245
I was kind of talking about that date.

#246
Oh. I'm into that.

#247
There they are!

#248
Davy, Pops.

#249
I met the most amazing girl.

#250
I'm in love. I'm in love!

#251
And I owe it all to you, Dad,

#252
for giving me a second chance.

#253
Thank you. Now,

#254
let's go in this meeting and show this guy

#255
that he is making the right choice

#256
investing in the Mara brothers!

#257
You missed it, asshole.

#258
Huh?

#259
You missed it. The meeting. We lost the account.

#260
Dad, I told you we couldn't trust him.

#261
God damn it, Matt. This was your chance.

#262
Shit. Okay. Um, I'll talk to the guy.

#263
I will make this right, okay?

#264
He's probably down by his car right now.

#265
Carl Lewis couldn't catch him!

#266
I can.

#267
Mr. Sanderson!

#268
Mr. Sanderson!

#269
Matthew Mara.

#270
Did you just do a flip off that truck?

#271
Yes, sir. That is how dedicated I am

#272
to keeping your business. Now, look,

#273
I know you have your reservations,

#274
but I'm asking you, give us a second chance.

#275
I'm not giving you a second chance. I made my decision. It's final.

#276
Okay. Well, guess I'm gonna have to cut your heart out then.

#277
What did you just say?

#278
I said I guess I'm gonna have to cut...

#279
your heart... out of your body.

#280
You see, uh,

#281
I'm from the streets.

#282
And I'm about to poke you full of holes.

#283
He'll do it!

#284
What? Well, th-that's great!

#285
What changed your mind, Tom?

#286
Uh, your son here made a compelling argument.

#287
What? Oh. Well, see, he's my boy.

#288
We will not let you down,

#289
- Mr. Sanderson. - Uh, D-Davy,

#290
- don't push. Uh... - Yes, sir.

#291
Tom, let's discuss this.

#292
Hey.

#293
What?

#294
Maybe I misjudged you.

#295
Maybe you're not...

#296
just some homeless junkie.

#297
Maybe you're my brother.

#298
Sorry I said that about Carl Lewis.

#299
- Belle. - Heard me comin', I guess.

#300
I think I just saved the company.

#301
Wow. That's great news for you.

#302
And probably bad news for me.

#303
I'm running away.

#304
I got to see the world.

#305
I was wondering if you might want to come away with me.

#306
I-I can't.

#307
I mean, this is my life now.

#308
Yeah. I understand.

#309
Well, I should go.

#310
Hey, um...

#311
could you just help me with my necklace?

#312
I can never seem to get it off.

#313
Sure.

#314
Here.

#315
No, I... I want you to keep it.

#316
Something to remember me by.

#317
Well, good-bye, Matthew.

#318
Well, here's something to remember me by.

#319
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what are you doing?

#320
- What the hell are you doing? - I'm making out with the woman I love.

#321
What the hell are you talking about? That's Dad's dog.

#322
You're making out with my dog!

#323
Dog?

#324
Oh, shit!

#325
Oh, no.

#326
Maybe it's time to make a change.

#327
Nah, I'm gonna smoke it.

#328
- I'm Cricket. - I'm Belle.

#329
That's a nice name. His shoes

#330
- smell like rotten eggs. - Lemons.

#331
- Screw you guys! - You smell his shoes?

#332
Beauty and the...

#333
Beauty

#334
And the beast...

#335
Huh.

#336
He's gone.

#337
Way to go, Rickety Cricket.

#338
So, you did exactly what I thought you'd do,

#339
you goddamn street rat!

#340
Matt, Matt, God damn it.

#341
I gave you a shot.

#342
You can't go around

#343
doing insane shit like kissing dogs.

#344
You got to put all that

#345
nonsense behind you once and for all.

#346
Now, this is my last and final offer.

#347
You cut that bullshit out and come work with me,

#348
or you go back on the street

#349
and crawl back into that manure pile

#350
I found you in.

#351
So, which is it?

#352
Huh?

#353
- Hey-o! - Oh, Cricket!

#354
- Cricket! - Hey, hey!

#355
Hey, you guys mind if I go in the bathroom and smoke some PCP?

#356
- Smoke up, bud. - Yeah, absolutely, dude.

#357
Do what you got to do, man. You do you, bud. You do you!

#358
We don't judge, Cricket, we don't judge.

#359
Have fun, buddy. Go, Cricket.

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