Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S12E10 — Dennis' Double Life

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 12, Episode 10 — Dennis' Double Life

#1
So Dennis hasn't even seen the apartment yet?

#2
No. No. Yeah, Dennis lost a bet, and I got to redesign

#4
- Ooh. Nice. - Ah. That's great.

#5
I'm just excited to have my old place back to myself.

#6
And guys, after the grand opening,

#7
we finally get a chance to fire...

#8
...the rocket launcher.

#9
- Ooh. - Yes! Nice! You got a rocket!

#10
It finally came in the mail, and now we have

#11
the perfect opportunity to celebrate with it.

#12
- Yeah, that will be good. - Fire in the hole.

#13
Guys, guys, guys, listen, listen. There's a girl.

#14
She's coming. There's a girl, Mandy.

#15
Okay, she's here to stay, all right?

#16
you guys have to take my lead because

#17
I'm another guy, so don't address me as me

#18
- because I'm somebody else. - Are we us?

#19
Well, yeah, of course you are.

#20
I don't want to be me. Can I be someone else?

#23
- Are you right-handed, or left-handed? - That won't come up.

#24
- Well, it could come up. - It won't!

#25
- I'm gonna go with left then. - Cool, I'll go with left.

#27
Hey! Mandy. Hi.

#29
Why'd you run up ahead of me there, Brian?

#30
Oh, I had to use the bathroom super bad.

#31
Oh.

#32
So, this is the hangout spot then, huh?

#34
Oh, so that must make you

#35
- Prudence then. - Yes.

#37
- She is Prudence, and I'm Griffin. - No, he's Mac!

#38
He's just Mac, so don't... Yeah.

#39
And that's Charlie, and that's Frank.

#40
And he's left-handed.

#41
- Yeah. - Oh.

#42
I suppose I didn't know that about you.

#43
Yeah. No, well, there was really no reason for it to come up.

#45
- Mandy. - Hi.

#47
Oh.

#48
Yeah. He's my son.

#50
- Left-handed or right-handed, man? - What's going on here, dude?

#51
All right, look, you guys remember when we did that Boggs thing.

#52
We flew out to California? Well, if you recall,

#53
I actually got off in North Dakota.

#54
Right? Being out of town, I thought, naturally,

#55
I'm gonna have a little bit of fun, you know,

#56
so I picked up Mandy there at an Applebee's.

#57
Oh. I was pretending to be

#58
an airline pilot who flies out of Philly named Brian LeFevre.

#59
I went to an old character.

#60
I needed a complete back story for the manipulation.

#62
Yes, but in this scenario, she's my sister.

#63
See, I'm always tweaking things based on the situation.

#64
And needless to say, it worked like a charm.

#66
she calls me up, tells me she's pregnant.

#67
- Oh! - Christ, what am I gonna do here?

#68
And need I remind you,

#69
once she finds out that I'm not who I said I was,

#70
and that I don't have any money, she could come after the bar.

#71
- She could be entitled to that? - Shit. All right, guys,

#72
everybody just calm down, all right?

#73
Maybe it's not about money for her. Look, as we all know,

#74
everything is about emotion with women.

#75
- Right, Dee? - What?

#77
- All right, Dee, relax. - Oh, whoa.

#78
We're trying to have a rational conversation, okay?

#79
- We're trying to help our friend here. - Look, I think the point is,

#80
maybe we got to close the emotion door

#81
for Mandy by telling her that you're gay.

#83
How am I gonna convince her I'm gay?

#84
Just go with me here.

#85
Brian's not above having a one-night stand with a woman,

#86
but he's got no room for her emotionally

#87
- because he's in love with me. - With you?

#88
- Well, yes, the lover is me, of course. - Mmm.

#90
because it's always about money with women.

#91
That's all there is to it.

#92
So I think the best thing to do is

#93
to find a guy who's got more money than you,

#94
like in that movie, uh, Indecent Proposal.

#95
You get a millionaire to bang her for a million bucks.

#96
She takes the money and runs.

#98
No way. It's too much money.

#99
All right, next plan. Dee.

#100
Yeah, no, I've got a great plan,

#101
but, uh, I'm thinking that this isn't my problem, and, also,

#102
you guys wouldn't listen to me no matter what I said.

#103
Good point. Charlie, plan.

#104
I got it. If I just get the waitress pregnant,

#105
she's gonna be tied to me for life,

#106
so, I got to do that.

#107
He's already on to another thing.

#108
All right, Christ, uh, I got to do something here.

#109
- Fine. Mac, we'll go with your plan. - Yeah!

#110
- Yes! Yes. - Mmm.

#111
- Is the apartment ready? - Yes.

#112
You are not gonna believe what I did to it.

#113
Surprise!

#114
Huh. It looks, uh...

#115
Exactly the same.

#116
I was able to track down versions of our old furniture,

#117
and even found replicas

#118
of all the knickknacks that burned in the fire.

#119
- It's bizarre. - Bizarre in a good way.

#120
- No. - You don't like it?

#121
No.

#122
Hey, so, I don't mean to interrupt here, fellas,

#123
but I'm a little bit confused.

#124
You never told me you had a roommate.

#125
It's time, Brian.

#126
Here's where things get a little bit tricky.

#127
Um, there's really no easy way to say this,

#128
but, um, Mac and I aren't just friends.

#129
- He's actually my, uh... - Lover.

#130
- Partner. - Yes, well, we do make love.

#131
- We don't actually make love... - He's the power bottom.

#132
- He generates tremendous power... - Yeah. No, I...

#133
- ...from the bottom. - I don't. I don't, actually.

#134
- Don't sell yourself short. He does. - No, no. It's not that I...

#135
It's just that we don't have sex.

#136
Yeah, I, uh... I sleep with women,

#137
but I'm emotionally involved with Mac,

#138
which is why...

#139
And this is the hard part, I...

#140
I don't really... I don't have room emotionally

#141
in my life for you.

#142
Okay. Uh... Wow.

#143
Well, I'm a little bit shocked here.

#144
- Sure. - Mmm.

#145
But I guess the most important thing is

#146
for Brian, Jr. to have a relationship with his father.

#147
And you know, Mac, you seem like a real stand-up fella,

#148
so, if you boys are open to it,

#149
the only thing I can think of better

#150
than Junior having one dad is, well, him having two.

#151
- Ooh... - Eee...

#152
- Yeah. No. - Wow. I wasn't expecting that.

#153
We're the type of guys that, um...

#154
Who would love this.

#155
Oh!

#156
Yeah. Coming.

#157
Hey, come on in.

#158
All right, Charlie, you got 15 minutes,

#159
and it's a dollar a minute starting now.

#160
Oh, no.

#161
No, no, no, no. No, we're not doing this. Uh-uh.

#162
Uh, now hear me out. It's not about sex.

#163
- Okay, good. - It's about having a baby.

#164
- And I'm gone. - No, no, hang on. Hang on, one...

#165
Just one second. Come on.

#166
Look, I know you've always wanted a baby, right?

#167
I see you. You poke around preschools

#168
and the playgrounds, and you got that longing look in your eye.

#169
Oh, God, that's so creepy.

#170
Well, look, I can tell you this.

#171
It...

#172
It's not gonna happen for you.

#173
- Excuse me? - Yeah, you ain't gonna have a baby.

#174
Check this out.

#175
Your life has been on a slow, but steady decline for years.

#176
You were a coffee shop waitress, right?

#177
On-again, off-again troubles with alcohol.

#178
Living in a women's shelter.

#179
And finally, all women's Achilles' heel time.

#180
Time.

#181
Okay. Are you done?

#182
Because I feel like there's more.

#183
- I'm seeing a whole... - Yeah, I'm getting to the good part.

#184
Look. Frank will provide for us.

#185
- Right? He's got tons of money. - Mmm-hmm.

#186
You're never gonna have to work

#187
another day in your life. See? Zzz.

#188
All the way to sitting on the beach

#189
- in Rio de Janeiro. - Driving the lane to fame.

#190
Okay, so,

#191
the point is this, life with Charlie and a baby

#192
looking pretty good.

#193
Did you really think that this was gonna work?

#194
- Did you really think that... - Well...

#195
...you would just have me in here and you could just

#196
hurl insults at me.

#197
I've tried everything for years with you.

#198
And I just, at this point,

#199
- I just don't know what else to say. - Oh, my God!

#200
Stop saying things to me. Don't you understand?

#201
This is never gonna happen, so let it go.

#202
Look, why? You won't ever tell me why.

#203
You just say no, and you won't give me a shot.

#204
I don't understand what's so terrible about me.

#205
What's so great about me, Charlie? What's wrong with you?

#206
Why are you so obsessed with me?

#207
I mean, you said it yourself, I'm a mess.

#208
So, why don't you just go find somebody better?

#209
Well...

#210
'Cause there is no one better.

#211
And...

#212
I love you.

#213
Yes.

#214
Those jerks are finally gone.

#215
Time to stretch out around here.

#216
Heyo.

#217
What's the haps, Dee?

#218
What are you doing, Frank?

#219
Oh, Charlie's doing a thing at the apartment tonight,

#220
so I'm gonna crash here. Okay?

#221
No, get a hotel.

#222
You know what, do you mind if I take the bed?

#223
Because I got a little pinched nerve in my neck.

#224
- It's driving me crazy. - Yeah, I mind.

#225
I'm gonna go take a steam bath,

#226
so why don't you whip me up a bowl of that popcorn.

#227
That smells so good.

#228
- No. I'm not gonna do that. - Thanks.

#229
No, no, no, no, no, no. Frank! Stop!

#230
Don't get all emotional, just do it.

#231
I don't want this.

#232
Okay. They're asleep.

#233
Dude, why did you say you wanted to raise the kid?

#234
I just got caught up in the moment, you know?

#235
It was so exciting. Maybe we should do it.

#236
We... We are not a couple, Mac.

#237
Well, no, we would just keep pretending.

#238
I am not gonna pretend to be in a relationship with you

#239
for the entirety of my child's life.

#240
Are you insane?

#241
Okay, I can't handle this right now.

#242
I'm gonna go sleep in your room.

#243
You can sleep on the couch.

#244
Oh, no... Wait, Dennis. Dennis, Dennis, Dennis.

#245
Uh, hold on one second... I-I...

#246
What is this?

#247
This is the gym.

#248
Uh-huh.

#249
And where were you going to sleep?

#250
Well, I figured since we got so used to sleeping in the same bed at Dee's,

#251
that we could just sort of

#252
- continue that here. - Mmm-hmm.

#253
You want to sleep on the couch...

#254
...together.

#255
I'm gonna sleep next to the dildo bike.

#256
The Ass-pounder, uh, 4000, is an exercise bike.

#257
That was, um...

#258
That was not as bad as I expected.

#259
- It was amazing. - It kind of was.

#260
It kind of was amazing.

#261
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

#262
Oh. Hmm.

#263
What is this? What are you doing there?

#264
- This? Oh, this just... - Yeah.

#265
...improves the chances of conception.

#266
Of what?

#267
Of getting pregnant.

#268
Oh. Right. Uh, the baby.

#269
Right.

#270
Hey, you know, speaking of which, um,

#271
I think we're gonna need to make some changes around here.

#272
Oh. Like what?

#273
Um, well, I think you need to repaint, for starters.

#274
Wh-why would I do that?

#275
Charlie, this... This paint could be full of lead.

#276
Are you serious?

#277
I can't carry a baby around lead paint. Or... Or, oh, I'm sorry.

#278
Did you expect me to live in the women's shelter

#279
while I'm carrying your child?

#280
Oh, no, um...

#281
I hadn't thought about it, but you can stay here.

#282
- I mean, that's fine. - Okay.

#283
Wow. Thank you so much.

#284
When this baby comes out, though,

#285
Frank's gonna need to find us a nicer place to live.

#286
But I love this place.

#287
Well, I don't, and it's no place to raise a child, so end of conversation.

#288
Whoa. Hey. Hang on.

#289
You're kind of coming on strong right now.

#290
- Are you serious right now? - Well, look...

#291
I'm carrying your child.

#292
- No. - Carrying my...

#293
I am not finished talking.

#294
Who's idea was this in the first place?

#295
Look, I'm just saying if you want to be a mom,

#296
you're gonna have to learn how to control your emotions.

#297
I need to control my emotions?

#298
Or I'm not gonna be a good mother?

#299
Oh, my God!

#300
Dee!

#301
- I'm in trouble here. - What? What are you doing here?

#302
The waitress is totally, like, moving into my apartment.

#303
I can't take it.

#304
I'm gonna need to hide out here for a few days.

#305
- No. No. Hard no. - Get out.

#306
It's like, I didn't think about the whole, like,

#307
having a baby thing, you know?

#308
It's like one thing to trap a person with a baby,

#309
but then when you actually have a baby, then you become trapped.

#310
What baby thing? What are you talking about?

#311
Plus, it's totally turning her into, like, a different person.

#312
She's acting like a real bitch now.

#313
- She's always been a bitch. - Now who's being a bitch, Dee?

#314
I need help here, all right? Look, I got to sleep, okay?

#315
I can't think straight.

#316
- I... Uh, Christ... Is he snoring? - Yeah.

#317
Snoring's the worst. I'm gonna need to crash

#318
- next to you, all right? - What?

#319
Don't be a whore tonight, Dee, and try and bang me again, okay?

#320
Because I got nothing left.

#321
I'm spent, I'm really exhausted.

#322
Too much sex and too much stuff.

#323
Just don't be a whore, okay?

#324
- Dee! Egg! Where is it? - There's no eggs here.

#325
- Where are your eggs? - Dee, where are your eggs?

#326
Dee, eggs!

#327
Dee, we're looking for your eggs. We can't find them!

#328
Come on, leave me alone. Just let me sleep,

#329
I barely slept last night.

#330
Dee. Deandra.

#331
- Look, don't be so emotional. - You're being very emotional.

#332
Get up and get us an egg.

#333
I'm getting like calls up the wazoo from the waitress.

#334
She's asking for, like, groceries and shit.

#335
Who does that? Who just barges into someone's apartment

#336
- and takes over? - Nobody.

#337
Oh, my God, are you serious?

#338
That's exactly what you guys are doing!

#339
Uh, Dee, eggs, okay? I'm freaking out.

#340
What is happening here? I just got rid of two annoying roommates.

#341
This is not supposed to be happening.

#342
God! She's calling me again!

#343
It's like she's totally stalking me.

#344
Dee, what do I do here?

#345
You have been stalking that woman for 15 years.

#346
Now she's finally showing you some attention,

#347
and you don't like it?

#348
Oh, Dee, you know what? Eggs. I didn't ask for your opinion.

#349
Yes, you did!

#350
Hey, oh, good, Dee.

#351
I need you to watch Brian Jr. for a few hours.

#352
- No. - Yeah.

#353
Frank, what the hell are you doing here, man?

#354
You're supposed to be finding my millionaire.

#355
I'm on it. I'm here trying to get her to make us breakfast.

#356
Yeah, we haven't got any eggs. I need an egg.

#357
Dee, why have you not made this man his egg?

#358
Do you want to take care of this child for the rest of your life?

#359
Or do you want me to get out of this situation?

#360
I'm gonna smash it!

#361
Dee, don't get emotional. Christ, if you're upset,

#362
smash an egg into a pan for Frank.

#363
Solve problems, don't cause them.

#364
Oh, gee whiz, look how fancy this place is.

#365
We don't have anything like this in North Dakota.

#366
Yeah? Fascinating.

#367
Um, so, Mandy, um, we have brought you here,

#368
uh, to meet a gentleman.

#369
- Oh. - Um, I just feel really badly

#370
not being able to provide emotionally for you,

#371
so I thought we could set you up with somebody

#372
who can provide for you both emotionally and financially.

#373
Um, so we are here to meet a millionaire.

#374
Oh, geez.

#375
I don't know.

#376
Yeah. No, I know.

#377
It's a little str... Oh!

#378
- Hey. - Let's do this.

#379
Oh.

#380
Uh, Frank, where's the, uh, millionaire?

#381
I am the millionaire, I'm the guy.

#382
- What? - Mandy, here's what we're gonna do.

#383
I'm gonna make you a decent proposal.

#384
Not an indecent proposal like the movie,

#385
because I think to pay a million bucks to get laid,

#386
that's out of the question.

#387
I'm gonna offer you $5,000.

#388
What are you doing, Frank?

#389
Look, I'm gonna give you $5,000, we bang,

#390
you take the money, you go up, you get on a plane,

#391
you fly to wherever the hell it is in the sticks,

#392
and, uh, you know, $5,000 goes a long way up there.

#393
If you need more money, call me up,

#394
come back, we bang again.

#395
Price goes down 'cause I already had you.

#396
But if you want to bring a girlfriend...

#397
Price goes back up.

#398
- Well, I don't know what to say here. - I do.

#399
Five grand is a lot of money. Is that offer just out on the table?

#400
- I'm not gonna bang you. - I don't want to bang you, either, Frank,

#401
- but I'll power through for five grand. - Well, no, you wouldn't want to,

#402
because you're emotionally involved with me.

#403
Aw. Shit. Sorry, Dennis.

#404
- Hey. Dennis? - Brian, I meant. I'm sorry.

#405
Yeah, sometimes... Brian is his name.

#406
Dennis is his sex slave name.

#407
- He's my gimp. - What? No. I...

#408
- I don't have a sex slave name. - Wait.

#409
- I'm not... - Wait, hold on,

#410
what's going on here, Brian?

#411
Look, I'm gonna go to the can and make my morning move.

#412
You want the cash, you come on in, earn it the hard way.

#413
Okay?

#414
If the broad comes, order me an egg.

#415
Well, that was a disaster. Frank almost ruined everything.

#416
Okay, do you want me to go down to the car and talk to her?

#417
And spin more perverted tales about me? Why am I a gimp?

#418
Oh, God, just get your kid and get out of here, Dennis.

#419
Yeah, I'll get the kid,

#420
but I got to come back because I need to crash here tonight.

#421
I'm not sleeping next to Mac's dildo bike again. What?

#422
- What? - No, me too.

#423
Your bed is working wonders for my pinched nerve.

#424
Yeah, you know what? I'm gonna crash here for a little bit too.

#425
I feel like I got to ghost the waitress for a while on this.

#426
I'm gonna stay as well because I need to sleep next to Dennis.

#427
All right, then we're gonna need a lot of eggs.

#428
- Dee, how about a carton of eggs? - Oh, my God.

#429
No, goddamnit, I didn't want to be wrapped up in this!

#430
I didn't want to be wrapped up in the kid thing,

#431
that's your mistake.

#432
Listen to me,

#433
I can figure this out, I've got a new plan

#434
and you're all gonna goddamn listen up, okay?

#435
It's time for Brian LeFevre to die.

#436
Over here. Over here. Hmm?

#437
- Go, go, go, go, go, go. - What... What is-what is going on here?

#438
I thought... I thought we were gonna go see the Liberty Bell.

#439
There's no time for that, there's no time.

#440
What... What is going on here, Brian?

#441
All right, listen to me, because we only have a few minutes

#442
before they realize they can't hear or see us back here.

#443
What? Who?

#444
My name... My name isn't Brian LeFevre.

#445
My real name

#446
is Dane Brass.

#447
And I hold top secret government information.

#448
Okay? They're after me, that's why everything's been so weird.

#449
That's why I haven't been able to speak openly with you.

#450
And you and Brian Jr, you'll have to get away from me

#451
because it's not safe.

#452
What do you mean it's not safe? I don't... Oh, my God.

#453
- You're bleeding! - Oh...

#454
Oh, oh. I've been shot.

#455
Well, I didn't hear any gun...

#456
Oh, well...

#457
Yeah, not there it is there. That was the sound of it.

#458
Normally you'd... You'd hear it before you see the blood,

#459
but, uh, not in this case.

#460
Run!

#461
Oh, it's killing me. Run, Mandy, no.

#462
You... You have to run and not ever look back.

#463
Or contact me ever again.

#464
And you'll never get any money or assets from me

#465
because if you do, it'll be unsafe for you.

#466
Run!

#467
Oh, my God!

#468
- They got Dennis. - Dane.

#469
Uh, Dane, of course, Dane.

#470
Yeah, he had so many identities, it's hard to remember...

#471
We got to get him to a hospital!

#472
Not a regular hospital, though, 'cause technically,

#473
he's not supposed to exist. A bad guy one.

#474
Oh, no, I've lost my lover.

#475
I'll need a new gimp!

#476
I'm not his lover.

#477
Never had sex. Not a gimp.

#478
Oh, run, Mandy. Oh. Good-bye.

#479
Uh... Good-bye, Mandy, good-bye.

#480
Brian Jr.

#481
Aw.

#482
Well, there it is.

#483
Well...

#484
Okay.

#485
Are you all finished?

#486
Come on.

#487
You can open your eyes now, I know you're not dead.

#488
Ah, geez.

#489
You big city folks sure like to complicate things, don't ya?

#490
Look, all I wanted was for Brian Jr. to have a father,

#491
but we don't want to be with a man

#492
who doesn't want to be with us.

#493
So, I guess we'll just

#494
be getting back to North Dakota now.

#495
Okay, now,

#496
you want to come on up here and say good-bye to Brian Jr?

#497
Oh. Yeah.

#498
Okay.

#499
- Hey. - Yeah.

#500
Hey, buddy.

#501
Um...

#502
Good-bye and, um...

#503
You know, you be...

#504
You be good to your mom and, uh...

#505
Okay, you all done?

#506
Yeah.

#507
All right.

#508
Okay.

#509
Here we go.

#510
Bye, Dada.

#511
Bye.

#512
Well, all right.

#513
It was sure nice getting to know you all.

#514
Whoever the heck you are.

#515
What you gonna do when you get out of jail?

#516
I'm gonna have some fun

#517
What do you consider fun?

#518
Fun, natural fun.

#519
I can't do this.

#520
What are you talking about, bud? The plan worked.

#521
No, this... No, this is crazy.

#522
What are we doing? I can't... I-I can't...

#523
- I can't do any of this shit anymore. - What?

#524
What's going on?

#525
Okay, I'm... I'm leaving.

#526
I'm gonna go be a dad.

#527
Well, hold on a second, you can't just leave.

#528
Yeah, you can't just go become a dad, Dennis.

#529
That's not the way it works.

#530
You don't know the first thing about it.

#531
You know what, Frank, I'll figure it out, okay?

#532
Because I don't want my kid to grow up like I did.

#533
With some asshole dad who was never even around.

#534
You talking about me or Bruce?

#535
You!

#536
Okay, you know what? This is nuts.

#537
I got to... I just got to go.

#538
It's done. It's done, guys.

#539
Good-bye, Paddy's Pub.

#540
Good-bye, Philadelphia. Good-bye, Charlie.

#541
Mac, Dee, Frank.

#542
The bar's done.

#543
Well, hang on a second.

#544
- Actually, it's not done. - We're still in here.

#545
Shh, just let me...

#546
Don't start talking, I can tell...

#547
- We weren't gonna say anything. - The pause is too big.

#548
Well, this is, again, this is why I'm leaving.

#549
Oh, good-bye.

#550
Good-bye. Good-bye.

#551
- Hmm. - Bye.

#552
- Hmm. - I can't believe he's actually gone.

#553
- Yeah. - That's crazy.

#554
Well, now what?

#555
What a shot!

#556
Oh, my God!

#557
Whoa!

#558
What you gonna do when you get out of jail?

#559
I'm gonna have some fun

#560
What do you consider fun?

#561
Fun, natural fun.

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