Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S11E03 — The Gang Hits the Slopes

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 11, Episode 3 — The Gang Hits the Slopes

#1
Holy shit!

#2
Holy shit, that is steep!

#3
Trust me, this is the best way to learn.

#5
You're gonna be fine, man.

#6
The mountain is a majestical place

#7
where you push your limits and you maximize your potential.

#8
No, the mountain is a place where you party, man,

#10
Yeah, but we're not in a movie.

#11
- I mean, we're gonna get hurt. - We're not gonna get hurt.

#13
- The rules for what? - Everything, dude.

#14
You've seen those '80s movies.

#15
What do I do with my hands? How do I ski?

#16
Well, you're supposed to have poles.

#17
Uh... You know what, hold on to these guys for balance.

#18
- These are glass. - Yeah.

#19
- And don't break 'em, bitch. - What is this,

#20
- a double black diamond? - I wish it was a triple black.

#21
Dudes, let's shred.

#22
I remember

#24
Saw her again

#25
In a magazine

#26
Front cover

#27
Big star

#28
Showing things

#29
That I'd never seen

#30
Well, maybe...

#31
Whoo, yeah!

#32
Still got it, baby!

#33
Rip city!

#34
Wonder how Charlie's doing.

#36
Whoa! Whoa!

#37
Uh...

#38
Yeah!

#39
Another beautiful day at Alpine Ridge.

#40
End of the season is right around the corner,

#41
so get those turns in while you can,

#42
and don't forget to sign up for the big race this Sunday,

#43
which will determine the best skier on the mountain.

#44
That was totally insane. I mean, I can't believe

#45
- you guys can ski like that. - Hmm?

#46
It's just nuts. I'm not doing it again, man.

#47
What are you talking about? It's so dangerous.

#48
No. You did a great job, man. Hey, look, is your body hurt?

#49
- No. - You okay?

#50
- Yeah. - That's 'cause it's mountain rules, man.

#51
I don't get that, though. I just feel like I got lucky.

#52
Nah. You just need to learn to use your edges a little bit more.

#53
- Learn to turn... - Right down the mountain!

#55
No, I don't think I'm gonna be doing that.

#56
I'm gonna get a sensible meal, head back to my room,

#57
log in my times,

#58
chart my progress, 'cause I'm gonna win.

#59
Win what?

#60
- At skiing. - Oh, hey.

#61
What's shakin', brother?

#62
Oh, what's shakin'? Well, I'll tell you

#63
what's shakin'. These skis, quite literally.

#65
I want to make first tracks.

#67
You guys need helmets?

#68
Uh, I'll take a helmet. While you're back there,

#69
could you slap a sticker on the side of mine

#70
that says "pussy"?

#72
Whatever, dude. Part of what makes skiing so fun

#73
is that your brains could get bashed in at any moment.

#74
- Mmm-hmm. - Yeah,

#75
it didn't used to always be this way.

#77
Hot babes, cold brews. And now I hear some

#78
corporate stooge wants to turn this place into a private resort

#79
- for rich CEOs. - They can't do that to Party Mountain.

#80
It's not called Party Mountain. It's called Alpine Ridge.

#81
There's one of those yuppie vultures now.

#82
Don't worry.

#83
We got this covered.

#85
Show this fat-cat asshole what's what! Eat this, bitch!

#86
- Ahh! - Oh, shit.

#88
We thought you were some jerk-off who bought the mountain.

#89
I am the jerk-off who bought the mountain.

#90
- What? - I'm turning it into a members-only resort

#92
Whoa! That sounds amazing, Frank.

#93
- I'm in. I'm in. - What are you talking about?

#94
And ruin Party Mountain?

#95
You know, who cares about your stupid plans?

#96
- Let's go rage, Dee. - Hang on a second.

#97
I'm, like, so lost.

#98
So, uh, who do I go with in this situation?

#100
amongst swine and savages, like you would on any other day,

#101
or... you could get the most out of this mountain.

#102
And you could get the most out of yourself

#103
by joining an elite class of athletes and gentlemen alike.

#104
- Right, Frank? - Yes.

#105
Huh. That sounds kind of cool.

#106
- Yeah. - All right, you guys go.

#107
Why should I go with you?

#108
- Go with them. - Who cares? We're here for two days.

#109
- You guys it is! - All right.

#110
Hey-yo!

#111
Hey, man. Remember us from the ski shop?

#113
- Yeah! - Come on in.

#114
Yeah!

#115
Awesome. Awesome.

#116
Well, looks like you guys had a real shit-kicker last night, huh?

#117
Rager!

#118
Oh, oh, the cans.

#120
- Oh. - Mmm.

#121
That's my roommate, Turkey.

#122
We call him Turkey, 'cause his favorite drink is Wild Turkey.

#123
- Awesome! Yes! - Oh, badass!

#125
What are you, coming from a Gatsby party?

#126
No, I was in court all day.

#128
- Oh. - Mmm.

#129
That's a bit of a downer. Yeah.

#130
Yeah, pretty much.

#131
Hey. Hey, Roach. Roach, come meet some people.

#132
Who stole my goddamn burrito?

#136
Did you come in it?

#137
Did you come in my burrito?

#138
I didn't come in your burrito! I wouldn't do that to you!

#139
He's a little squirrelly from the concussions.

#140
Like I said, no helmets back in the day.

#141
Guys, I got to admit, this is, uh...

#142
It's not as much of a party vibe as it is a, uh...

#143
- A pathetic vibe. - Yeah.

#144
Yeah, I mean, come on, this used to be Party Mountain,

#145
you know, and Babe Manor, that's the capital of Party Mountain.

#146
- Yeah. - When was the last time

#148
Oh, uh... My daughter stopped by about six weeks ago.

#149
- Served me a court summons. - I say count it.

#150
- No, don't. Don't count it. - Oh, guys, guys,

#151
guys, guys, don't you miss the old days,

#152
when you were the kings of this mountain?

#154
I do.

#155
Let's take back this mountain!

#156
Why don't you guys dig deep and show me those inner party animals.

#157
Let's crush some brews!

#158
Let's empty some cans!

#159
- Yeah! Whoo! - Yeah!

#160
Hey, hey, hey!

#161
- Rent money! - No, no.

#162
- No, no, no, no, no. - Whoa, no, no.

#163
- Drink 'em. - Drink 'em.

#164
Oh, yeah, it's been so long, I forgot.

#165
Let's drink 'em, then recycle!

#166
Yeah!

#167
- Sure. Yeah. - Okay.

#169
high-speed lifts, five-star lodging, and a state-of-the-art spa.

#171
Well, Frank, it's marvelous.

#172
- Thank you. - There's only one thing missing.

#173
What's that?

#174
- The Dennis Reynolds Ski Academy. - Could be a good idea

#175
to get a model of that.

#176
- What are you doing? - Hmm?

#177
What are you doing, eating a tree?

#178
Yeah, I thought this was made out of candy.

#179
It's a plastic tree, Charlie. It's not made out of candy.

#180
You said that this was a candy model.

#181
- I never said it was a candy model. - I believe I heard

#182
you mention it was a model made out of candy.

#183
Well, let's just focus on the banquet that I'm having tomorrow night

#184
to entice local investors.

#185
It'd be a good idea to get a model of the banquet.

#186
We could make that candy.

#187
I'd like to get a visual on that banquet.

#188
- And we may as well make it candy. - It should be candy.

#190
The only model that you should know is Tatiana.

#191
Tatiana, come in here.

#192
Meet Tatiana.

#193
She came all the way from Bulgaria

#194
to hand-deliver her finest caviar.

#195
Nicely done, Frank.

#196
She'll be a fitting reward for me after I win the big race.

#197
Until then,

#198
Tatiana, I want you to clean yourself,

#199
for I will enter you hard and deep,

#200
and it will last for as long or as short as I please.

#201
But you will be clean.

#202
Only when you are clean will you know my power.

#203
What the hell is that?

#204
It sounds like a party.

#205
Go, go, go, go, go, go! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

#206
Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

#207
This is so great. I can't thank you enough. I feel alive again.

#208
And look at all the cans.

#209
- We're gonna be rich! - You got to drop it

#210
with the cans, all right? Nobody cares about the cans.

#211
Oh, okay, well, what about

#212
- these cans? - Oh! Oh, my God!

#213
- You can't do that! - You can't do that.

#214
Though they don't seem to mind.

#215
They look like they're really enjoying it.

#216
Yeah, mountain rules, baby! Everybody get your tits out!

#217
Hell yes!

#218
He just said, "Take your tits out,"

#219
- and they all just took their tits out. - Yeah, I'm gonna keep mine in,

#220
just for now.

#221
- Party's over, burnout. - Whoops.

#222
Frank Reynolds.

#223
Wow.

#224
It's been...

#225
Thirty years to the day.

#226
How they hanging, Drisko?

#227
Uh, I lost one of 'em. Prostate thing. You know.

#228
Yeah, yeah, me, too. It's still bouncing around in there,

#229
- but it don't do nothing. - I'm gonna stop this.

#230
- You guys know each other? - We skied together.

#231
This mountain wasn't big enough for both of us.

#232
Loser of the big race was banned for 30 years.

#233
Looks like old Frank here let his mouth write a check

#234
his ass couldn't cash.

#235
Well, I just wrote another check.

#236
To buy the mountain.

#237
How 'bout we race for the mountain?

#238
Or are you scared you'll lose?

#239
I don't race no more.

#240
I let my son race for me.

#241
Oh!

#242
Really?

#243
Your son, huh?

#244
Don't think you can beat me?

#245
Oh, I'll beat you.

#246
You better go enjoy your party while it lasts.

#247
It's gonna be your last one.

#248
Burnout.

#249
Last day to squeeze in some turns

#250
before tomorrow's big race. On a side note,

#251
it's good to see Frank Reynolds back on the hill.

#252
We'll see if he can patch things up with old rival Dave Drisko.

#253
But I wouldn't count on it.

#254
- Yo, hey, Dennis, did you just hear that? - What?

#255
The PA announcement. What was that?

#256
Well, there's a lot of people on this mountain, Charlie.

#257
- Everybody's gotta stay informed. - Yeah, but that guy was, like, saying

#258
a bunch of, like, really personal information about us.

#259
- Like, how does he know that? - Right. That's how it works.

#260
Why's he talking about us? There's hundreds of people out here.

#261
Well, we're the most important thing that's happening right now.

#262
- What? - Look, I think I got something

#263
that's gonna clear this all up for you. Meet my race team.

#264
- Where'd these guys come from? - Switzerland?

#265
Yeah, but they came here and they're racing with us?

#266
I don't... I don't understand that at all.

#267
Well, I needed somebody to be behind me.

#268
I mean, this guy's kind of my captain,

#269
and these guys are my goons, you know? If I need 'em

#270
to do something for me, back me up, you know,

#271
- if I'm getting into some... - And they just

#272
- showed up and they're racing with you? - Yeah.

#273
All right. No more questions.

#274
- Okay, good. All right. - Uh, yeah, I... Okay.

#275
All right, now, listen up, guys.

#276
Tomorrow's the big race.

#277
And anything less than first place will not be tolerated.

#278
In fact, it'll be punished.

#279
But, remember, I want you to have fun.

#280
But not if it means you're not gonna get first place.

#281
'Cause I'll punish you.

#282
All right, now go limber up and I'll meet you at the chair.

#283
Let's go, guys. March, march, march.

#284
Wow. Uh, I got to hand it to you, looks like you got a pretty good team.

#285
- I think so, too. - Yeah, yeah. Uh, look, I don't get

#286
anything that's happening. So, uh, I'm out,

#287
you know what I mean? And maybe we should drink some beer,

#288
eat some snow, and just...

#289
What the hell, man?

#290
I'm disappointed in you.

#291
I thought you were a champion.

#292
- Why? - You showed me some real stuff out there.

#293
- I was falling. - You were falling, but you were fast.

#294
But I crashed into some tables.

#295
Crashing and exploding is all part of the learning curve.

#296
I could turn you into a champion, but that's clearly not what you want.

#297
You want to just be a burnout and a loser like those other guys.

#298
Dude, I don't even understand you, man. Just, like, take it easy...

#299
Where are those coming from?

#300
I'm out, dude.

#301
Like, it's crazy to me.

#302
I'm gonna hang out with Mac and Dee and see if I can figure them out, man...

#303
Oh, yeah, yeah. Go hang with those other two burnout losers.

#304
Yeah, go ahead. You know what your problem is, buddy?

#305
- You got no allegiance. - We're here for two days!

#306
Looks like Charlie Kelly's walking off the mountain

#307
and out of the big race, ladies and gentlemen.

#308
He knows my name!

#309
He knows my name!

#310
Oh, yeah. Here we go.

#311
Take a look.

#312
Oh, wow!

#313
- Can you see through the wall? - Yeah, you can see right through.

#314
- Okay, I think I'm getting it. Yeah. - Yeah? Okay.

#315
- Hey! I heard your guys' voices. - Hey!

#316
What are you guys doing in here?

#317
We are in the middle of a prank war with Frank and Dennis.

#318
All right, nice. What's the prank? What's the prank?

#319
We're drilling a hole in the women's shower

#320
- so we can look at 'em naked. - Yeah.

#321
Why? What does that have to do with Frank and Dennis?

#322
- I don't know. I don't know. - Well, nothing, really.

#323
It's just a warm-up prank

#324
- to get the juices flowing. - Yeah!

#325
Warm-up. We're warming up.

#326
I don't want to be a bummer, but I kind of

#327
don't get how spying on naked, unaware women

#328
- is a prank at all. - Me, either.

#329
- Me, either. Me, either. - Well, the real prank

#330
is when I jam my dick through that hole and yell, "Special delivery!"

#331
- Oh, dude, I don't think so. - Oh, no.

#332
You can't do that, man. You'd get in a lot of trouble for something like that.

#333
- That's, like... Yeah. - Maybe we can just

#334
do something that doesn't involve naked women.

#335
Just... You know, 'cause that's not fun for me.

#336
How 'bout if I show you my dick?

#337
Why would I want that?

#338
Oh, okay, okay, it's a prank

#339
if you don't want to see it, but he shows you anyway.

#340
This guy gets it.

#341
- I think I get it. - It's gonna be hilarious.

#342
I'm gonna get myself hard, and I will show you what I mean.

#343
- Hold on a sec. - Oh. Oh.

#344
Oh, you bastard! You know what, if you guys are already hard,

#345
just go ahead of me and I'll just circle back.

#346
Oh, God.

#347
Jessie is a friend

#348
Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine

#349
But lately something's changed

#350
It ain't hard to define

#351
Jessie's got himself a girl

#352
Oh, shit.

#353
And I want to make her mine

#354
And she's watching him with those eyes

#355
And she's loving him with that body I just know it

#356
Yeah, and he's holding her...

#357
Hello, Charlie.

#358
Oh, my God. Uh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to spy.

#359
I was just walking by. I'm not a Peeping Tom.

#360
Oh, Charlie, I do not mind. We are on the mountain.

#361
Yeah. What does that mean?

#362
Everyone keeps saying, "We're on the mountain,"

#363
but I don't get it, you know what I mean?

#364
Look, where I come from, you know,

#365
jamming your dick through a hole in the wall,

#366
that's assault, that's a felony, and, uh, it's just plain wrong.

#367
Something bothering you, Charlie? You do not like my breasts?

#368
Uh, no, no, your breasts... Your breasts are great.

#369
Do you want to jump in with me in the hot tub now?

#370
Yeah. You know, um... Yeah. Yeah.

#371
I'm gonna stop complaining about the mountain.

#372
I'm just gonna, I'm gonna let the mountain work for me.

#373
Now we're talking.

#374
My! Here we go.

#375
You know, I wish that I had Jessie's girl

#376
I wish that I had Jessie's girl

#377
Where can I find a woman like that? Like Jessie's girl

#378
I wish that I had Jessie's girl

#379
Where can I find a woman

#380
Where can I find

#381
A woman like that?

#382
Welcome to the annual big race.

#383
Who will take home the top prize?

#384
Local free spirit Dave Drisko...

#385
...or fierce new competitor Dennis Reynolds?

#386
The stakes are high because the loser today

#387
is walking off the mountain for 30 years.

#388
Do you realize how important this race is, Dennis?

#389
Well, yeah, 'cause he just said how important it is.

#390
I hope you got your bags packed.

#391
I'm gonna get rid of you once and for all, Frank Reynolds.

#392
I'm gonna save Party Mountain

#393
and bring back the glory of the good old days.

#394
Freeze! Police!

#395
David Drisko, you're under arrest.

#396
Oh, shit!

#397
They framed Drisko so he couldn't do

#398
- the big race! - Oh, come on!

#399
This man has committed a litany of sexual assaults.

#400
His semen was recovered from crime scenes

#401
all over the mountain.

#402
Let's go, pal.

#403
- Lose the hat. - What?

#404
This guy might not be as cool as we thought he was.

#405
Even his awesome hair is bullshit.

#406
- You forgot one charge. - What's that?

#407
Assaulting an officer!

#408
Never stop partying!

#409
Oh!

#410
- That'll do. - You know? If I'm being honest,

#411
- he probably deserves it. - Yeah.

#412
Never stop partying, bitches.

#413
Never stop partying!

#414
So,

#415
which one of you losers wants to win a silver medal?

#416
Ugh. Not me. I got blasted last night.

#417
- I'm so sick. - I don't feel good, either.

#418
I'd also like to remove myself from the sexual predator team.

#419
Well, I guess that does it.

#420
The winner by default of the annual big race is...

#421
Not so fast!

#422
This is good.

#423
So you gonna race for them?

#424
No, Dennis, I'm gonna race for everyone.

#425
I want to race for the people.

#426
You see, last night Tatiana taught me

#427
all about Communism.

#428
Cold, hard winters, gross soups.

#429
She also taught me a lot about sex.

#430
Sweet sex, amazing sex, a lot of sex, Jacuzzi sex, Dennis!

#431
Jessie's girl...

#432
It was amazing.

#433
So I get it now. I like the mountain.

#434
I understand the rules.

#435
And I'm gonna shred.

#436
Well...

#437
This ought to be rich.

#438
He's getting destroyed.

#439
Oh!

#440
Oh!

#441
My ankles are broken!

#442
My ankles are broken for sure!

#443
His ankles are broken!

#444
He has broken his ankles!

#445
Oh, they're surely broken!

#446
Charlie can still win!

#447
Go, Charlie! Come on, Charlie!

#448
- Little faster! Come on! - A little faster, bud.

#449
Straighten out!

#450
- No! No! No! - No!

#451
Yeah!

#452
Okay.

#453
I won! All right.

#454
The mountain is ours, Frank!

#455
Uh... Not exactly. Uh...

#456
Actually, uh, the whole Snow Palace thing was, uh, all for show.

#457
Huh?

#458
I needed to distract the local environmentalist groups

#459
while I fracked the mountain.

#460
What? You fracked the mountain?

#461
Yeah. Yeah, the banquet, the race... It was all set up.

#462
It was just a diversion, it was

#463
a distraction, because I wanted to get into this hill

#464
and suck out its natural resources.

#465
So all this here was just one big setup?

#466
Yeah. I hired the hookers,

#467
- so you could rip their tops off. - That makes sense.

#468
- Oh... - That makes a lot of sense.

#469
- So what do we do now? - I'm good. You want to...

#470
- You want to stick around, it's okay. - No.

#471
It'd be good to go back to Philly, right? I mean...

#472
I'm pretty tired. It was quite a weekend.

#473
Honestly, I don't even like skiing that much.

#474
I need to go see a doctor.

#475
Yeah, I should probably see a doctor, too, actually, I guess,

#476
- if Tatiana was a hooker. - Oh, yeah.

#477
- Oh, God, gross. - Yeah. That's not good.

#478
- Help. - I'm gonna stay on this side.

#479
Well, folks, you heard it.

#480
Frank fracked the mountain, and it looks like

#481
- we'll all be out of jobs. - Oh... God!

#482
So, did you even hire that guy?

#483
You know, Charlie, I have no idea who that guy is.

#484
Huh. I guess some things really are different on the mountain.

#485
Yeah.

#486
Oh, yeah

#487
Uh-huh

#488
Whoo!

« Prev Page 1 of 1 Next » Back to Search