Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S11E07 — McPoyle vs Ponderosa - The Trial of the Century

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 11, Episode 7 — McPoyle vs Ponderosa - The Trial of the Century

#1
You really think Jackcan handle this case?

#2
Yeah, he's a lawyer.

#3
Besides, Bill, you're broke.

#4
He's the best lawyer you can afford.

#5
Yeah, Bill, you got to relax, okay? Uncle Jack

#6
and I... We got this case. Now... Now, listen to me.

#8
But... But I've done my research. I got something with this

#9
bird theory that's gonna blow the court away.

#10
I... I... I don't... I don't think we should pursue

#11
- this bird nonsense, Charlie. - Yes.

#12
- I... I'm well-versed in bird law. - Look,

#14
This goes well, it's party time.

#15
What is that?

#16
- Is that... Is that drugs, Frank? - Yeah.

#17
No, dude, I need you keeping him clean,

#18
all right? That's why you're here.

#19
I got to have the drugs here

#20
to keep him clean.

#21
Well, that doesn't make sense.

#22
I... Get rid of the drugs, Frank.

#23
- I... I don't want that. - Hey, boys.

#24
- You ready for the big show? - Yes, good, how you feeling?

#25
You good, you do your homework, you know your talking points?

#26
Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, cool as a cucumber.

#27
- You can... You can get off my back. - Well, don't sass me,

#28
- I just... It was just a general - Well, then don't hound me.

#29
- question, Dee. - I'm just saying if you don't want sass,

#31
All right, whatever.

#32
Mac, why are you here?

#33
This is your big day, dude. McPoyle suing Ponderosa?

#34
It's huge, it's like the trial of the century.

#35
Come on, man, everybody's got a thing. Don't leave me out.

#36
Frank's got a thing, Dee's got a thing. Dennis has got a thing.

#37
Dennis has a thing... What are you talking about?

#38
- Oh! - D... What are you doing here?

#39
There's got to be a way to get this court

#40
to let me out of my alimony payments.

#41
I mean, have you guys seen Maureen? The woman has gone

#43
I shouldn't have to pay for that,

#44
so I'm gonna talk to the judge, get him to throw it

#45
on the docket, you know what I mean?

#46
No, absolutely not.

#48
Buddy, you don't have a case, okay?

#49
You are not a lawyer.

#50
Uncle Jack's just got you here handling

#51
his papers for him 'cause he can't do it

#52
'cause he's wearing those goddamn...

#53
Big hands over his hands.

#54
- I don't know what that is. What is that? - I don't know what it is.

#55
All right, well, either way, this whole thing's gonna be

#57
- No, it's gonna go fine. - No, it isn't.

#58
No, it's gonna be fine. This is hardly the trial

#60
On a scale of one to ten, how much sass

#63
What's the Jew lawyer doing here?

#64
Not Jewish, and even if I was,

#65
what difference would it make?

#66
I meant that as a compliment.

#67
Everybody knows Jews are the best lawyers.

#68
I can't wait to crush you people.

#69
I'll be representing Liam McPoyle today.

#70
- Where is Liam? - Well, he actually got pinkeye

#71
in his one good eye.

#72
Well, in truth, someone named Doc McPoyle

#73
attempted to put some sort of healing milk in his pinkeye

#74
and it got infected, but that doesn't matter.

#75
The point is...

#76
You'll be dealing with me today.

#77
And you'll be dealing with me today.

#78
Jack Kelly, lawyer.

#79
Good to see you again.

#80
Are those fake hands?

#82
You know what, good luck with all of that today.

#83
Did you see his hands? They're beautiful.

#84
- I think we should settle. - What...

#86
67th District Court is now in session.

#87
Judge Clarence Melvoy presiding.

#88
Please remove your hats and turn off your cell phones.

#89
Okay. We have McPoyle v. Ponderosa.

#90
Seeking damages for the loss of an eye in the form

#91
of a one-time payment to the sum of...

#92
$200.

#93
Are the plaintiffs present?

#94
I will be representing

#95
the plaintiffs, Your Honor.

#97
And I just, uh, wanted to say I'm very excited

#98
to be here. I do estate law,

#99
and this is my first actual trial.

#100
Uh, Your Honor, and if I may, uh, Charlie Kelly, cocounsel.

#101
Uh, background in bird law, uh...

#103
Yeah. But excited to be, uh, in the people's court

#104
a... And a big fan of black judges,

#105
too. Stop touching me.

#106
Okay. Look.

#108
I have a very long day ahead of me,

#109
so I'm gonna need to keep this thing moving.

#111
The... The hammer? Do we... Is there a...

#112
Here we go?

#113
- Hey. - That's the...

#114
- Awesome. - Yeah.

#115
- It's cool, right? - Yeah, nice.

#116
Your Honor,

#117
Friday the 13th was a night of chaos.

#118
Milk,

#120
Bill Ponderosa,

#123
You might even refer to his family as...

#124
...very creepy.

#125
But they are saints compared

#126
to Bill Ponderosa

#127
and the sordid lot of degenerates

#128
he associates with.

#129
Terrible people who ruin lives.

#130
Ruined mine, cost my client his marriage,

#132
You know what...

#133
I'm gonna sit down.

#134
I'm done.

#135
They just do this to me, okay?

#136
You get the point.

#137
Uh, Your Honor, I'll... I'll, uh,

#138
I'll keep it brief.

#140
Uh, one.

#141
Liam McPoyle has a history of lying.

#142
Two. My client is a loving

#146
Deandra Reynolds,

#149
But you didn't actually see him do it, did you?

#150
- No, I did not. - So is it possible that,

#151
given the traumatic nature of the evening,

#152
that you don't remember the evening

#153
- all that well? - Yes, that's correct.

#154
My car was destroyed and I was locked into a freezer.

#155
My memory was clouded by rage,

#156
and so I misremembered the incident.

#157
An understandable mistake. Could happen to any one of us.

#158
For example, you remember me, possibly,

#159
as a man with small hands.

#160
Yeah, you think...

#161
- What... - You think, "He had small hands."

#162
Do you remember that?

#163
Yeah, sure, okay.

#164
What you remember is false.

#165
- O... Okay. - Yup.

#166
Big, masculine.

#167
My hands tell a story

#168
of greatness.

#169
- And when you look at my right hand... - I'm gonna st...

#170
Uh, uh, I'm gonna stop you

#171
right now. Are you just gonna

#172
talk about your hands for a while?

#173
Uh, no, Your Honor.

#175
Deandra,

#176
here is the statement that you gave

#177
to police.

#178
"Bill did it. That goddamn drug addict

#182
He's guilty, guilty, guilty."

#183
Uh...

#184
Have you ever had sex

#185
with Bill before?

#186
Yeah.

#187
Yes, sure. Because we... We were...

#188
We had a... We were sort of...

#189
We were lovers for a little...

#190
One of his prostitutes, right.

#191
Prostitutes?

#192
Um, I have a receipt for a mink coat,

#193
recently purchased by a Bill Ponderosa

#194
to be delivered to a Dee Reynolds.

#195
A gift?

#196
Yes. I had a birthday.

#197
Six months ago.

#198
- Uh... - Are you aware

#199
that the coat was purchased

#200
at Doyle McPoyle's Trappings and Fur?

#201
- No. - Or that the coat

#202
was not made of mink at all

#203
but rather made of... Muskrat?

#204
Muskrat? Goddamn muskrat? Are you kidding me,

#205
Bill? Okay, you know what, fine, he spiked it.

#206
I'm sorry. What did you say?

#208
No further questions, Your Honor.

#209
Ma'am, do you know what perjury is?

#210
Mm-hmm.

#211
Oh, this is terrible.

#212
- Well, he shouldn't be... - This is terrible.

#213
Wow, you guys are getting crushed in there.

#214
Yeah. Oh, I know. Hey, thanks, Mac. Hi. Great.

#215
Hey, you know, I feel like I'm not being utilized properly.

#216
Well, that's 'cause you don't have anything.

#217
So you're not being utilized at all.

#218
Yeah, but what if I get to deliver the bombshell?

#219
- Oh. - What bombshell?

#220
You guys don't have a bombshell? Oh, my God.

#221
Every good case needs a bombshell.

#222
Oh, Jesus Christ, and, without it, you're screwed.

#223
- You know what, you know what? - Okay.

#224
I'll find one for you. I'm gonna do, like, a hero cop,

#225
- Mark Fuhrman thing... - Oh, Mark Furhman.

#226
And then sort of transition into a Kato Kaelin.

#227
Yeah, I wish you would do none of it.

#228
- Okay. All right. Cool. - I wish you'd do none of it, man.

#229
- I'm on it, I'm on it. - Okay. All right.

#230
Ah, why can't people just stay out of this?

#231
- Yeah, look, there's potentially... - That... That's my bird expert.

#232
He's from Penn. The guy... Like, he's totally official, okay?

#233
Let me do the bird thing. He's an ornithologist.

#234
I don't think it's a good...

#235
- I'm gonna kill, man. - I know, but, Charlie, I'm just...

#236
- Uncle Jack, put me back on the stand. - What?

#237
No, we cannot. Are you kidding me?

#238
You're lucky you didn't get sent to jail.

#239
Yeah, I know. But I think this could work.

#240
I'm gonna say I found some bullshit online

#241
- that proves that lawyer's Jewish. - Oh.

#242
- So what? - So what? He'll be a laughingstock.

#243
- Yes. Yes. - Right?

#244
Because the man is Jewish?

#245
- No. What? No. Not because he's... - Well, that's what

#246
it sounds like you're saying.

#247
N... Not because he's Jewish. Because he's a liar

#248
and because he's embarrassed about being Jewish.

#249
I mean, what is that?

#250
Dee, you blew it. Like, big-time.

#251
I wish you guys would just stay out of this.

#252
I... I didn't... I... I...

#253
Maureen, you are the sister of Bill Ponderosa,

#254
and it was at your wedding that Liam got attacked?

#255
- Meow. - Mmm.

#256
Your Honor, nothing represents the tragic aftermath

#257
more than the dramatic transformation of this woman...

#258
- Uh, cat. - Excuse me?

#259
As I transition from woman to cat,

#260
I must insist on being referred to as a cat.

#261
Objection. She's not a cat, Your Honor.

#262
If the witness wants to consider herself a cat, I will allow it.

#263
I just need to know where all this is headed.

#264
How is this relevant?

#265
Well, it's clearly relevant

#266
the attack had a psychological impact

#267
on all the parties that evening.

#268
No further questions.

#269
Y... Your Honor, do you see what's going on here? This is crazy.

#270
You know what, I'm gonna...

#271
- I'm gonna approach the bench. - No.

#272
- Can I just approach it real fast? - Absolutely not.

#273
All right, earlier, you... You referred to my ex-wife as a cat,

#274
per her request. Uh, now, surely, you wouldn't force a man

#275
to pay alimony to a cat, right?

#276
So motion to establish me not having to pay alimony anymore.

#277
I will not allow that.

#278
Okay, well, so can we just... We'll pop it on the docket?

#279
We can put it at the end of the day if you want.

#280
I just want to clear it up while I got her in a courtroom.

#281
I will not allow that, either. Sit down.

#282
Now you don't allow something. Now you don't allow something!

#283
Allow all this. You gonna allow that?

#284
You know? But you don't... Okay, I'm good. Goddamn it.

#285
Frank,

#286
- did you go to the wedding? - I did.

#287
And I snuck Ryan up in the trunk of my car.

#288
He hadn't been invited to the wedding, on account of the beef with Liam.

#289
And I had him in the trunk of the car,

#290
on account of I didn't want to sit with him

#291
- 'cause he's gross. - Right.

#292
And, uh, uh,

#293
what did Ryan say to you when you got to the wedding?

#294
"I'm gonna kill Maureen Ponderosa."

#295
So, if there's someone to point the finger at, it would be...

#296
His brother!

#297
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, nobody look!

#298
Nobody look! Nobody look!

#299
Nobody look! Nobody look!

#300
Nobody look!

#301
Now, you've stabbed

#302
your brother before, correct?

#303
Oh, sure.

#304
And you were upset at the wedding.

#305
So it's not crazy for me to ask you this.

#306
Ryan McPoyle, did you attack your brother at the wedding?

#307
Oh. I'm not Ryan.

#308
- What, you're not? - Nope.

#309
I'm Lion. Like the animal.

#310
Lion McPoyle.

#311
Wh... Why are you on the stand?

#312
Because you said "his brother"

#313
and threw your big fake hand at me.

#314
- O... Okay. - Ryan's at home with Liam,

#315
taking care of his infected eye.

#316
Okay, uh, uh, boy, let's, uh,

#317
str... Strike that, uh, hand comment from the record.

#318
Uh, would you happen to know

#319
if Ryan stabbed his brother in the eye?

#320
Oh, yeah. I know. He totally did it.

#321
Well, then I guess

#322
we will never know, ladies and gentlemen.

#323
Uncle Jack, he just confessed!

#324
- He did? - Yes!

#325
Yeah, Ryan stabbed Liam. I totally saw it.

#326
Oh, my God! We won!

#327
We... You did it.

#328
We did it. How did I do it?

#329
Lion, was Ryan drinking milk at the wedding?

#330
Of course. Everyone was.

#331
So who did the stabbing doesn't matter, Your Honor,

#332
because they were all still drugged

#333
on Bill Ponderosa's spiked milk,

#334
which is the point I've been trying to make the entire time.

#335
So just to be clear, you've proven my case.

#336
You lose.

#337
I can't follow any of this.

#338
- What? - Guys, I got it.

#339
You... You got what?

#340
I got the bombshell.

#341
Okay, Mr. McDonald,

#342
you recently found out some very interesting information.

#343
Care to share it with the court?

#344
Yes. I've recently been informed

#345
that Ryan McPoyle only drinks mother's milk!

#346
Which means there's no way

#347
he could have drank the milk that Bill spiked,

#348
which means he was sober when he attacked his brother,

#349
which means Bill is innocent!

#350
Case closed! Kaboom!

#351
Bombshell!

#352
I did it. I did it, black judge. I did it.

#353
Mr... Mr. McDonald, how did you come upon this information?

#354
- Oh, I banged Margaret McPoyle. - I'm curious

#355
how she told you, because Margaret is a mute.

#356
Well, guess what, smart guy, I had her write it down.

#357
One more thing, Your Honor. Margaret, you carry a picture

#358
of Mother with you at all times, don't you?

#359
Do you mind showing that to the court?

#360
Your Honor,

#361
Mother is the name of the McPoyle family cow.

#362
The cow that provided the milk for the wedding.

#363
The milk that was drugged by...

#364
Bill Ponderosa.

#365
That mute bitch lied to me for sex.

#366
Bombshell diffused.

#367
Abramowitz!

#368
Your great-grandmother's last name was Abramowitz.

#369
I found it on an ancestry Web site.

#370
That makes you a dirty liar because you are Jewish.

#371
Okay, I... That came out kind of bad.

#372
I... I'm not disgusted by the Jewish part.

#373
It's the... It's the lying part that I was talking about.

#374
This dirty liar is a Jew...

#375
Ish man.

#376
Recess?

#377
Oh, God!

#378
- Oh, that stupid Dee. - All right, calm down, calm down.

#379
Look, as the great Johnnie Cochran once said,

#380
if the glove doesn't fit, give up.

#381
- That's not what he said! That's not... - It...

#382
- How are you a lawyer, Jack? - All right...

#383
I mean, I know more than you. All right, look...

#384
- Watch your voice. Watch your voice. - Okay, okay, let's just...

#385
Let me do my bird thing. Okay, Bill,

#386
I want to do the bird thing. Can we just do it...

#387
Yeah, that's great. No, let's do the bird thing.

#388
- You're good with it now? Okay. - Love it, yeah.

#389
- Jesus, son, what'd you cut this with? - Shut up, bitch.

#390
Son? Your... This is... Your son is your dealer?

#391
He's reliable.

#392
Oh, God. Frank, what are you doing, man?

#393
- Come on, reign it in. - I paid for it.

#394
I'm gonna do it.

#395
Hey, fat ass, this asshole's short 30 bucks.

#396
Go steal another set of my golf clubs, you piece of shit.

#397
- you. - Piss off.

#398
Guys, guys, we're doing the bird theory, all right?

#399
- All right. All right. All right. - I'm taking the lead here, okay?

#400
- Yeah. - All right, let's do it. Birds on three.

#401
- One, two, three. Birds! - Those are just ridiculous, man.

#402
- It's like three hands... - Like eight hands out there. Yeah.

#403
Your Honor,

#404
this is the McPoyle family crest.

#405
On it you will find a bird...

#406
A Pocono swallow, to be more accurate.

#407
A very rare, very elusive bird.

#408
You'll notice its trademark

#409
unibrow, highly uncommon in most aviary circles.

#410
And my research shows

#411
that unlike your typical North American barn swallow,

#412
the Pocono swallow, if kept under the proper conditions,

#413
can live as long as 80 to even 85 years,

#414
much like a parrot

#415
or some of the more resilient coastal gulls.

#416
Your Honor, where is this going?

#417
I don't know, but it'd better lead somewhere fast.

#418
Your Honor, I can assure you

#419
that this will be our final argument.

#420
Well, if it's gonna help end all of this madness,

#421
I'll allow it.

#422
Thank you, Your Honor.

#423
Now, there was another member

#424
of the McPoyle family clan at the wedding

#425
the night of the incident.

#426
A member that none of us have met.

#427
Certainly not anyone on this side of the aisle.

#428
A one Mr. Royal McPoyle.

#429
A bird. The McPoyle family's

#430
pet Pocono swallow, and my research shows

#431
that this particular Pocono swallow

#432
has a history of violence.

#433
Look into the gallery, and you will see Royal's victims.

#434
It took Margaret's vocal cords in 1999,

#435
leaving her mute.

#436
Keith McPoyle lost his eyes and his ears

#437
to it in '76, and we all know

#438
that according to bird law, it's three strikes,

#439
and you're out.

#440
Bye, bye, birdie.

#441
Ready, boys and girls, because here's where it gets good.

#442
Ryan McPoyle didn't attack Liam. Royal did.

#443
And Lion was lying about Ryan attacking Liam

#444
to protect Royal from the chair.

#445
Or lethal injection.

#446
Or perhaps some sort of small bird guillotine.

#447
I wouldn't understand the physics of it.

#448
I'm not an executioner.

#449
I'm just the best goddamn bird lawyer in the world.

#450
So, bottom line... And listen up, numbnuts,

#451
'cause it blows a hole in your case...

#452
Birds don't drink milk.

#453
Objection, Your Honor.

#454
There's no Royal McPoyle.

#455
Perhaps, or perhaps not.

#456
Your Honor, I call Pappy McPoyle to the stand.

#457
Pappy McPoyle, patriarch of the McPoyle family.

#458
Royal was your pet bird. You've had him since you were a boy.

#459
And isn't it true that you never go anywhere without him?

#460
Yeah. Yeah.

#461
I have seen...

#462
Raccoons and oysters dancing...

#463
In the head of a pin with the angels.

#464
They are laughing.

#465
All right, Your Honor,

#466
clearly, this witness is mentally unwell

#467
and cannot answer any of the questions properly...

#468
Uh, perhaps, Your Honor, or... Or perhaps it's just a cover.

#469
But it's quite all right.

#470
I don't have any further questions.

#471
Oh, except one more.

#472
Didn't the bailiff ask everyone to remove their hats?

#473
That is true.

#474
Mr. McPoyle,

#475
would you please remove your hat?

#476
- Hmm... - Mr. McPoyle, please remove your hat.

#477
Perhaps he is too insane to understand the question.

#478
Why don't I just...

#479
Ladies and gentlemen, Royal McPoyle.

#480
Chickadee, dee, dee, little birdie.

#481
Let's dance.

#482
Your Honor, this is Mr. Belka Maier.

#483
He's a professor of ornithology at the University of Penn.

#484
Mr. Maier, it's safe to say

#485
you're a bit of an expert on birds, yes?

#486
I believe you're correct.

#487
And you would understand this Pocono swallow quite well,

#488
- wouldn't you? - Yes, I do.

#489
Then please ask it if it attacked Liam!

#490
Ask... If... What?

#491
Mr. Maier, I would like you to please talk

#492
to the bird and say, "Did you attack Liam McPoyle?"

#493
I can't converse with... With a bird.

#494
Well, I thought you were an expert on birds.

#495
I am an expert on birds, but...

#496
Well, I need you to communicate with the bird.

#497
- This is very important, and I need to... - But it's a...

#498
Well, this is a bit embarrassing, Your Honor.

#499
Perhaps this man has lied about his credentials.

#500
Uh, fortunately, I am familiar with a little bit of pigeon.

#501
Perhaps I can get through to it in some way.

#502
Okay.

#503
Your Honor, this is nonsense.

#504
Look, kitty.

#505
Yeah, kitty. Chase the laser beam, kitty.

#506
Order.

#507
Your Honor, you've got a man speaking to a bird.

#508
And yet, you refuse to rule

#509
on me having to pay alimony to this cat.

#510
- What is this? - Order!

#511
It's a mockery of justice, Your Honor.

#512
This is ridiculous, and this...

#513
I said, order!

#514
He's talking to the pigeon!

#515
I'm not paying alimony to a goddamn cat!

#516
Order! I want order in this court!

#517
Fly, my pet!

#518
Fly!

#519
Bring me their eyes!

#520
Bring them to me!

#521
Oh!

#522
In my 35 years on this bench, I have never seen

#523
such a mockery made of this courtroom.

#524
You people have wasted my time,

#525
you've wasted the taxpayers' time,

#526
and this justice has heard enough.

#527
I am throwing this case out.

#528
I should've done it hours ago.

#529
He's throwing it out! That means we win!

#530
That means we win! That means we won!

#531
Damn, damn, damn!

#532
Order.

#533
- Eat that! - Damn it!

#534
Order!

#535
This court has ruled.

#536
Now, I suggest

#537
that you people get the hell out of my courtroom

#538
before I put you all in jail.

#539
- You got it! - Get out!

#540
Bailiff, next case.

#541
Ridiculous.

#542
We have Morgan State Delivery

#543
v. the proprietors of one Paddy's Pub.

#544
Oh! That's us. Yeah, that's us, Your Honor. Oh, that's us. Oh!

#545
Oh, hell no! Uh-uh.

#546
- All right. - Uh-uh!

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